Raelee Taylor
Professor Feldman
Writing 2
12/04/2019
REVISION MATRIX WP3
Text from my initial
WP
submission:(Note
which WP)
In my translation, I
would like to focus on
getting the point of the
negative behaviors using
the data in a less
intimidating way and
faster so the audience will
have a chance to get to it
before they get too bored
and stop reading.
Translations between
source to source can be
useful if done correctly
but they can also miss
what the original source is
saying and send an
entirely different message
from the original source.
… drinking.”,(Ragsdale,
38)
In my translation of the
article, ““Liquor before
beer, you're in the clear”:
binge drinking and….
The author then gives
actual data from a survey
questioning student in and
A comment or The change(s) I
question I received made to what I
(from initially wrote:
whom/where?)
KJ: this sentence is a bit In my translation, I want
confusing and saying too to focus on getting to the
much point of the negative
behaviors using the data
in a less intimidating way.
This new translation will
reach the audience faster
before they give up on
reading because they lose
interest.
KJ: there needs to be a Translations between
comma with “but” source to source can be
useful if done correctly,
but they can also miss
what the original source is
saying and send an
entirely different message
from the original source.
Feldmam pointed it out on … drinking”(Ragsdale)
my physical essay that the
punctuation and citation
were wrong.
Feldmam pointed it out on In my translation of the
my physical essay that the article, “‘Liquor before
punctuation was wrong. beer, you're in the clear’:
binge drinking and….
Feldman pointed out on The author then gives
my essay that I needed to actual data from a survey
cite my paraphrasing from questioning student in and
How this change
impacts my paper:
This change makes the
sentence much smoother
and easier for the reader to
read. It is also more clear
after being fixed.
The change fixes a regular
mistake in the paper
which makes the paper
present better to the
reader.
This change will make my
essay better because if I
cited something wrong the
reader may not think I’m
credible and dismiss the
whole essay.
This change also increases
my credibility because a
reader will dismiss pieces
of writing that have
mistakes because they
may think the writer is not
very intelligent.
Since I am paraphrasing I
need to cite my source.
This helps my essay
not in Greek life about
their drinking habits,
which she then analyzes
to support her claims of
risky behavior in Greek
life.
the article. not in Greek life about
their drinking habits,
which she then analyzes
to support her claims of
risky behavior in Greek
life (Ragsdale).
because when people do
not cite their sources they
get in trouble for stealing.
After citing, I will not get
in trouble.

The evidence is
convincing of the
statements made about
students in Greek life so
Ragsdale then goes onto
how it can be improved.
Feldman point out on my The evidence supports the
essay that the sentence statements made about
structure sounded students in Greek life,
awkward. which prompts Ragsdale
to explain how it can be
improved.
Now that the sentence is
fixed it flows smoother
with the other sentences
and will be able to get the
point across better to the
reader. It is also more
clear now.

No sentence, but to be Feldman wrote on my In McCloud’s chapter This change should

placed in the middle of
paragraph 6
essay that I should add a titled “Writing with further support my
quote or reference Pictures” in the writing 2 reasoning for picking
McCloud in this area. reader, he writes, “Comics comic stripos as my
requires us to make a translations and how I did
constant stream of choices it.
regarding imagery,
pacing, dialogue,
composition, gestures and
a ton of other
options…”(McCloud
187). Comics give me a
lot of options on what I
want to show and say. The
way things are put
together directly affect
how the comic is received,
so picking specific
information from the
original because it is
needed to influence the
reader.

I also had difficulties
decided what route to take
the comic because it is a
very serious issue and is
not a laughing matter so I
didn’t want to make it
funny even though I really
enjoy funny comic strips.
I did not like the I also had difficulties
placement of the sentence, deciding what route to
so I moved it close to the take the comic because it
beginning of the is a very serious issue and
paragraph and fixed a is not a laughing matter,
word in the sentence and so I didn’t want to make it
some punctuation. funny even though I really
enjoy funny comic strips.
This change makes the
layout of the paragraph
better so it reads smoother
and has a greater impact
because it is in a better
area.

(MOVED IN THE
PARAGRAPH)

I feel like the translation
would be successful in my
intended purpose but I
feel like more translations
into other genres could
While rereading my essay The Translation should be This change will improve
I really disliked these successful in influencing my essay because it
sentences and just wanted the audience to changing makes more sense the way
a whole rewrite with their habits, but it may be it was written now. It also
them. more successful if there reads smoother and is
help impact even more was a whole campaign more clear.
and maybe get more with even more genre
students to change their translations other than
ways. I wouldn’t change comics because comics
anything except add more can only reach so far.
genre translations to
influence current Greek
life community even more
that the comic strip may
have.

No actual comic in essay
Feldman pointed out that I
had no actual comic, I just
had a description. I
needed a physical and
visual one to make the
paper better
**see actual comic in
final draft of essay**
This change will make my
essay better because I am
giving the reader a visual
of my translation so they
can fully understand it.

REVISION MATRIX WP2

Text from my initial
WP
submission:(Note
which WP)
A peer reviewed article is
an article that is evaluated
by one or more specialist
from the field that the
article is written for.
A comment or
question I received
(from
whom/where?)
While rereading my
paragraph I felt like this
sentence would fit better
before I introduced the
peer reviewed article I
would be using.
The change(s) I
made to what I
initially wrote:
A peer reviewed article is
an article that is evaluated
by one or more specialist
from the field that the
article is written for.
(MOVED TO EARLIER
IN PARAGRAPH)
How this change
impacts my paper:
This change improves my
paper because it makes
more sense in it’s new
position and the paragraph
reads smoother.

No Hook Feldman pointed out on As a preteen, I gained an My change improves my

my essay that I had no
hook in my introduction
paragraph.
interest in psychology. I paper because it pulls
was amazed at the way people into the paper and
psychology explained makes they more
why humans did certain interested in finding out
things and how our brains about what I am going to
function. Since, I was say
always told that sociology
was similar to
psychology, I was
interested in learning
about it as well. After
learning about both
disciplines I have to ask
the question is there really

...a print book (“Wrongs
of passage: fraternities,
sororities, hazing, and
binge drinking”, by Hank
Nuwer),...
She does not point out any
specific benefits or
drawbacks from her
sources she just uses
them.
Sometimes it is hard to
see which one is which in
academic peer reviewed
articles like the ones used
in the essay but it can be
seen with the way that
author starts to conclude
with the evidence.
When comparing the two
disciplines on the same
topic in these articles and
books, they are very
similar in identifying and
analyzing characteristics
about certain behaviors
usually using statistics and
real life proof, but
Psychology focuses on
why people behave the
way they do and
Sociology focuses on how
people’s behaviors affect
society.
The author uses a lot of
other academic sources
a difference between
sociology and
psychology?
Feldman pointed out on ...a print book (Wrongs of This change also increases
my essay that I was passage: fraternities, my credibility because a
presenting the book wrong sororities, hazing, and reader will dismiss pieces
since it should be in binge drinking by Hank of writing that have
italics. Nuwer),... mistakes because they
may think the writer is not
very intelligent.
Feldman pointed out that Got rid of sentence in The change improves my
the sentence was dry and I paragraph. paper by becoming more
realized there was no concise since I got rid of a
point for it in the essay. sentence that was not
needed and did not fit.
Feldman points on my Sometimes it is hard to This change improves my
essay that I should expand see which one is which in paper by giving more
a little on this topic. academic peer reviewed insight into what i meant
articles like the ones used in the first sentence. If a
in the essay but it can be reader is confused the
seen with the way that second sentence should
author starts to conclude clear up their confusion.
with the evidence. Once
the author’s get to the
explanation, they are able
to start applying their own
views and opinions on the
situation, which is when
the discipline starts to
come into view for the
reader to see.
Feldman pointed out in While analyzing the This change will improve
my essay that the thesis article and the book, it my essay because it
had some awkward was discovered that the makes more sense the way
phrasing. disciplines are very it was written now. It also
similar in identifying and reads smoother and is
analyzing characteristics more clear.
about certain behaviors
usually using statistics and
real life proof, but
Psychology focuses on
why people behave the
way they do and
Sociology focuses on how
people’s behaviors affect
society.
I noticed while rereading The author uses other This change makes the
the essay that this academic sources about sentence much smoother
about negatives of Greek
life and times where
Greek life is not being
inclusive for all and
examples of Greek life not
being inclusive.
sentence was a little bit
confusing so I tweaked it
a little to read better.
negatives of Greek life
and other’s personal
accounts of times where
Greek life is not being
inclusive for all.
and easier for the reader to
read. It is also more clear
after being fixed.

The discipline this book
falls under is psychology
because after the author
introduces the behaviors
of students in Greek life
he then tries to explain
why people behave this
way and why people
continue to be a part of
these negative habits.
Feldman pointed out to
me that my essay could
use more of my own
analyzation.
The discipline this book This change improves my
falls under is psychology paper because it supports
because after the author my argument in a clear
introduces the behaviors concise way that is not
of students in Greek life confusing.
he then tries to explain
why people behave this
way and why people
continue to be a part of
these negative habits.
During this explanation,
Nuwer also uses key
words from Psychology
that also makes this book
easy to identify as falling
under a Psychological
discipline.

Nuwer presents these
sources by starting to talk
about the stories of the
scources and what the
people went through.
These sources most
definitely get the point
across because anyone
who reads about it will
feel for the people who
had to go through these
harsh life struggles.
Feldman pointed out to
me in the essay that these
sentences were repetitive
and I realized that since I
had already mentioned it
earlier in the paragraph
these sentences were not
needed.
Got rid of sentence in
paragraph.
The change improves my
paper by becoming more
concise since I got rid of a
sentence that was not
needed and did not fit.

The author assumes that
the reader has a general
understanding of what
Greek life is and probably
is able to recognize
characteristics of
inequality in society.
While rereading this
paragraph I realized That
this sentence doesn’t work
as a final sentence in the
paragraph so I moved it
near where I was already
talking about the
audience.
The author assumes that This change improves my
the reader has a general paper because it makes
understanding of what more sense in it’s new
Greek life is and probably position and the paragraph
is able to recognize reads smoother.
characteristics of
inequality in society.
(MOVED TO EARLIER
IN PARAGRAPH)