Dear Jessica, Introduction 1.

I'm sure you planned on changing your title, but I think since you
are talking about hunting, maybe you could come up with a title that shocks the reader, kind of
like Hank Shaw's introduction did for us. 2. I think you did a good job of introducing your topic,
but maybe you could talk more about the significance of it. Why does it matter to the reader? I
would also suggest possibly using more scholarly, compelling word choice that really grabs the
reader and wants them to read something that they are invested in, instead of just a plain
essay. 3. I think your essay could be made more clear with changing up the language. I would
definitely revise your thesis, as I had to read it several times before I really knew what your
claim was. Reading it in my head I also got a little tripped up over what your point was because
the sentences didn't really flow at times. Argument: 1. In your argument paragraphs, I can tell
which side you are on. For you first paragraph though, I think you may have missed the mark a
little bit. The purpose of the first paragraph was to explain an objective view, without bias, of
the opposing side. Then in another paragraph you explain all the reasons why their argument is
wrong. You did well at explaining your understanding in that paragraph, but it did seem like you
were rambling at the end. Then, you skipped the paragraph where you are supposed to explain
your side and its weaknesses but ultimately that yours is better. I am not sure if you already
intended to add those paragraphs but that would be a good way of meeting your word count!
2. I think your evidence could use some more work. I thought the sources you used made
sense, but it just did not come across as very strong or substantial to me. 3. I guess the problem
I am having reading this like I talked about in #1 is that it is hard to tell which paragraph is the
argument and the counterargument. Revising the language you use and focusing on one thing
at a time could probably help this. You could also put in more focused topic and closing
sentences in your paragraphs so the reader knows exactly what they are going to be reading.
Conclusion: As a side note, I typically avoid using phrases like "all in all", "to conclude" and the
like. I thought the first have of your conclusion was good, and you were summarizing nicely.
However, in the second half it kind of felt like you were telling me how to write an
argumentative paper and it lacked a lasting thought.
Sincerely, Samantha
Also don't forget a works cited!