Wang 1

Writing Project 1 (Original)

Text from my initial A comment or The change(s) I How this change

WP submission question I received made to what I impacts my paper:
(from initially wrote:
whom/where?)

The definition of love “The paper tends to Narrow down my It will change the
differentiated from oversimplify and rely topic into a more whole organization
storytelling and on sweeping specific one since the of my paper and
philosophy. statements about love is a complex direction of analysis.
complex topics and topic to analyze and Moreover, the
don't bring in any then adds more content of my paper
evidence from your evidence to support will be deeper and
samples to support my claims. focus on genres’
your claims.” from difference.
professor Feldman

Writing Project 1 (Rewrote)

Text from my initial A comment or The change(s) I How this change

WP submission question I received made to what I impacts my paper:
(from initially wrote:
whom/where?)

In order to orient to “Your thesis could be I will add more It will make the
different audiences and more specific: what is specific information thesis more specific
purposes, each genre it about news articles about school bullying and strengthen the
has a set of
and blog posts that and how these genres introduction.
conventions and
rhetorical situations. made you choose communicate it. Also,
these genres over I need to include
how they talk about conventions and
the topic of bullying? audiences for each
Can you preliminarily genre in the thesis.
state a few
conventions or
mention the context
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or audience of each
genre up front, here
in the thesis?” from
professor Feldman
The newspaper article “You need to find I will find two more It will complement
titled “School FOUR examples to examples and include more examples and
Bullying’s Impact Can discuss: per the them in my paper. evidence for my
Last a Lifetime: Study”
prompt.” from analysis of those two
posted on U.S.News
and the blog post titled professor Feldman genres. Also, it will
“Why Do We Hurt change my
Each Other?” is organization and
indicative of their structure.
respective genres.
“You protect the world, Professor Feldman: I will delete the Reduce grammar
and I protect you.” italicize titles of quotations and mistakes in my
This famous sentence movies and books - italicize the title. paper.
is from the Chinese
quotations are used
film called “Better
Days,” which launched for articles or
in October. chapters.
U.S.News Professor Feldman: I will check every Reduce grammar
proofread: space specific word and mistakes in my
needed between U.S. names. paper.
News

The need for I think this I will change it to The word choice is
newspaper articles is conclusion of this “timeliness and important for a paper.
accuracy and authentic genre’s needs is reliability.” It will make my
fact itself
inaccurate. paper more
convincing.
The “40 percent” is a I think this evidence I will change it to It will make my
roughly but scientific cannot show the fact support the reliability paper more
number from testing to itself. Instead, it can of the newspaper convincing.
show the fact itself.
show the reliability of articles.
news.
 Wang 3

However, for the blog I think this sentence I will divided into It will make this
post, its need is can be another two paragraphs. paragraph more clear.
engaging and personal beginning of a new
story.
paragraph.
Paragraph 2 I think in the second I will add the It will make this
paragraph, the thesis examples from “7 paragraph more
lacks evidence. Ways to Deal With convincing.
Bullying at Summer
Camp” and “Toronto
mother of 12-year-old
boy who died by
suicide calls for
bullying inquiry.”
Unlike blog posts, they I think this is not true I will re-organize my It will make my
do not need to make for the newspaper words to represent paper more
the fact to be articles. It also should more logical convincing and
fascinating to attract be fascinating
meaning. reliable.
readers. somehow.
School bullying is a hot I think this thesis I will add the story of It will make this
topic at that time, so need more specific the Toronto woman thesis more
the article “School examples to support. who calls the bullying convincing and
Bullying’s Impact Can
inquiry from reliable.
Last a Lifetime: Study”
published on April 26, “Toronto mother of
which is every daily 12-year-old boy who
health news for the died by suicide calls
U.S. News (Mozes). for bullying inquiry.”

Blog posts are not only I think there is no I will change the It will make this
entertaining but are an evidence to show function of blog post thesis more
excellent way to blog post pass on to convey personal contextual and
instruct and pass on knowledge in my
ideas and stories. reliable.
knowledge. paper. It need to
change.
 Wang 4

Writing Project 3

Text from my initial A comment or The change(s) I How this change

WP submission question I received made to what I impacts my paper:
(from whom/where?) initially wrote:

I think nobody will Professor Feldman:I I don’t think anybody It makes the sentence
think more money is a don’t think anybody thinks that more easier to understand.
bad thing. thinks that more money is a bad thing.
money is a bad thing.
So, what I want to Professor Feldman: In this project, what I Better transition than
express is that we can Replace “so” with “In want to express is that previous. “So”
use economic thinking this project.” and “to we can use this kind cannot connects two
to understand this
be more rational” of economic thinking sentences. And these
world to be more
rational. changes to “more to understand the changes can make
rationally.” world more this sentence more
rationally. logical and fluent.
I chose the textbook Professor I added the title of It will help me to
from my Economics Feldman:Give the title this book. indicate which
class written by Edgar resource that I want
K. Browning because
to translate.
it contains a discourse
that is still relevant in
contemporary society.
To make it more Professor Feldman: I will change Word choice is really
fascinating, I chose the Wrong Word “fascinating” to important to make
new genre of the blog “interesting.” readers easier
post because it is one
understand.
of the new avenues in
the modern age where
the mass seeks
primary information.
Reading this blog, Professor Feldman: I will rewrite it to Just like what the
they have an Add examples from “Reading this blog, professor suggests, it
opportunity to choose the source text here, they have an can be more clear
whether to learn
like the quote you use opportunity to choose and specific.
theories behind this
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price decreasing in your blog for whether to explore

phenomenon or just example, to present how sellers gain from
know how to save this more clearly! trade and buyers
money from buying air
Also, cite in MLA if cover their “sunk
tickets.
you do this. cost” or just know
how to save money
from buying airline
tickets (Browning).”
Reflection Part. Professor Feldman: Benjamin: Needed for the
You do need to still “Translation is prompt. It will make
include evidence via properly essential to my projects more
1-2 quotes or
certain works: this reliable.
paraphrasing with
citation from the does not mean their
readings from this translation is essential
unit (Benjamin, Giles, for themselves, but
or McCloud ideally). rather than a specific
significance inherent
in the original texts
expresses in their
translatability.”
By translation, the Professor Feldman: Through translation, It will be more clear
audience can change Replace: “By” with the audience can and accurate.
when the first text “Through” and “first” change when the
changes as a way of
with “source” source text changes as
interacting and acting
changes linguistically. a way of interacting
and acting changes
linguistically.
change the discourse Professor change the discourse It changes
community to Feldman:Replace: community to a dual organization level
travelers, students who “travelers, students audience: a general sentence structure so
want to save money, who want to save audience who plans to that this sentence
and every general money, and every” travel by air and become more precise.
audience who plans to with “a dual specific audience of
travel. audience:” and add: students who want to
“by air and specific save money.
audience of students
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who want to save

money”
However, there were Professor Feldman: However, I had many It is one grammar
many problems when I Passive voice! Turn problems when I mistakes that I rarely
started to translate. this into active voice: started to translate. care about. After the
“I had many change, it will
problems…” become more fluent
and clear.
Another difficulty I Professor Feldman: Another difficulty I It will make the
encountered was the This is a little encountered was the sentence easier to
comprehension of the confusing application of my understand.
source text as a way
comprehension of the
that would enable me
to comprehend the source.
new text and genre.
I searched its I think I can add some I just add “Just like It will make more
definition and citations from Walter Benjamin sense that why I want
examples in Google, readings to support points out that to do this process.
and then I watched
my ideas. Professor translation can
some YouTube videos
to see how others Feldman:Explain why represent the hidden
connect this idea with you wanted to focus relationship whether
daily examples. on it in the translation it is specific or
then…. seminal (Benjamin).
My job is to translate
original professional
text into an easier
understanding,
popular style
writing.”
I used simple sentence Professor Add pictures to my It will make my blog
structures that were Feldman:Why no translation and then post more fascinating
short in order to graphics or pictures? explain how these and attract readers.
reduce the length of Usually travel blogs effectively work to
paragraphs and make have a ton of those. I my translation.
for easier reading. suggest you add some
in and discuss the
impact of visual
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rhetoric using the

McCloud reading.