Kimberly Ponce Gonzalez

Comm 2110
Submitted to: Professor Sarah Billington
Submitted on: 12/08/19

Overview
This paper is an outline of my personal change project. My entire goal was to reduce conflicts
with my mother by managing the miscommunication we have been having. This included a small
group of strategies from the Beebe, Beebe and Redmond text, including being clear while
reducing malapropism (pg 158); stopping hate speech (pg 161); and using the extended “I”
language (pg 166.) I had encountered a couple of constraints. Them being: speaking before
thinking, and being selfish. The results I had were mainly positive consequences, other than
having to work on remembering to implement strategies in the heat of moments. My goals for
the future is to use the different strategies on other relationships as well as using the
communication accommodation theory.

Unwanted Communication Pattern

I have an unwanted habit of miscommunicating with my mother like not being clear because I
would think the person I am speaking with would automatically understand me. I would think
that since I, myself can understand what I am saying, they would too. A habit that can come
along with not being clear is bypassing as well. This is where a word can “mean different things
to different people.” (Beebe 8e, pg 157.) I wanted to get better at being more specific when
having a conversation so then less misunderstandings and conflicts would occur. This not only
would help my interpersonal communication, but also help the relationships I have, especially
with my mother. The consequences of not being clear in my conversations with my mother have
led to more conflicts because of misunderstandings. This had made it harder to have regular
day-to-day conversations.

Below are two example conversations I have had in the past with my mother:
● The first situation is when my mother and I had a conversation about how many credits I
needed for my associate’s degree. She had told me I needed 60 credits. At the time I
thought I only needed 34 credits, not knowing that the 34 was just the first half of the
degree. My mother had questioned me on why I didn’t have my credits close to 60 and I
had said that I didn’t need 60 credits I only needed 34. She was confused on how I was
explaining it all. I wasn’t as specific as I should have been. “For most communication,
the object is to be as specific and concrete as possible. Vague language creates confusion
and frustration.” (Beebe 8e, pg 158.) As the text shows, our conversation was filled with
confusion and frustration since on my mom’s part, she was trying to say I needed 60
 credits, and on my part I was confused on why she said I needed 60 and that I only
needed 34.
● The second situation is a conversation that had happened at the dinner table where the
idea of moving to California had popped up. This idea has been a recurrence over the past
few months but on this particular day I had wanted to ask if this idea was just an idea or
actually going to happen. My mother’s husband had said that they stopped looking at
houses in Utah and he had replied that they were. My mom had shown me a look of
confusion. She asked me why I had a sudden change of opinion and I replied that I never
technically said I was okay with moving. I could have included the extended “I” language
where I “don’t want [my] listener to take [my] message in an overly critical way.” (Beebe
8e, pg 166.) If my sentences started with “I” it could have been more personal and made
it so she could understand me better than my past explanation.
In both situations it shows how easy it can be to be so broad in explaining things that it’s
confusing. In the first situation I didn’t explain something as simple as why I need 34 credits. In
the second situation I didn’t explain my feelings as to why I didn’t like the idea of moving to
another state. Both of these situations could have been resolved with a little more detail that
could go a long way in the conversation.

Strategies
In order to get rid of the bad habit of not being clear, I needed to apply certain strategies. I
wanted to help not only my communication habits but as well as help conversations I have with
my mother.

The first strategy I wanted to use is to ​be clear​ and reduce ​malapropism​. (Beebe 8e, pg 158.) I
wanted to be as understandable as I can be. This means speaking in as much detail as possible to
clarify what I was trying to get through. Along with malapropism I had to be careful with the
way I phrased my sentences. I chose this specific strategy because if I was more clear on my part
of the conversations then I could get my mother to understand what I am saying and our
conversations would be more successful. This would also have our conversations be more lasting
than cut abruptly. And I thought if I used this strategy enough it could replace the other habit of
not being clear and I could adapt to use it for the future.

The second strategy I wanted to use was reduce any harm or disrespect towards my mother’s
feelings and values. By doing this, I wanted to stop ​hate speech​ (Beebe 8e, pg 161.) I know
many people have had hate speech with their mothers and fathers and that it could be normal but
I wanted to reduce mine to the point of it being nonexistent. I didn’t want to offend my mother
whenever we are having a conversation. Usually the hate speech would occur in the heat of the
moment when things weren’t going my way like not being listened to. I chose this strategy to
help decrease the negatives and help increase the positives on the long term effect of my
relationship with my mother.

The third strategy I wanted to use was the ​extended “I” language​. (Beebe 8e, pg 166.) This is
where you begin a sentence starting with “I” rather than “You” because it gives it a more in
depth meaning and has more effect than if you use “You” because the other person wouldn’t
want to listen as much as when you use “I.” I chose this strategy because this gave a bit more
empathy than using “You” at the beginning of the sentences and putting blame on my mother for
certain situations. I hadn’t used this theory as much as I could have but it has me know that I can
now.

Constraints
I did run into some constraints through this process. One of the constraints I encountered was my
speaking before thinking. This would happen quite a bit where I wouldn’t think of my responses
like when my mother told me my brother was coming over without notice and I had plans
already made. I spit out that I was going to go with my friends still when I should have thought it
through. I think it’s natural to spit thoughts out easier when you are upset in any way because
your mind is clouded with your emotions.

Another constraint I ran into was being more selfish in conversations and not listening as much. I
noticed that my conversations were mainly me being defensive towards my mother like the time
of where she asked for her insurance card and I got defensive and said I didn’t have it. I tended
to think that not everything was my fault and it can be a part of human nature because humans
don’t like the idea of being the problem or causing the problem so we blame others or describe
the situation out to not be as big of a deal even if it is.

Implementation
Constraints are just a part of the process and without having good results you have to have little
changes here and there in order to get there. I had to overcome speaking before thinking and
being selfish in some ways. Those ways were the different strategies I had. These constraints
became constraints because of my thoughts clouding what the right thing to do was or simply
forgetting I was supposed to be working on becoming better. Once I remembered to do these
strategies it helped me with my struggles.

One of the strategies I have had the most success in was the be clear one because over time I had
realized that the more detail I give my mother the happier she is and the more understanding she
is as well. It definitely isn’t something I can get down in one day. It took time and it helped with
the constraint of not being selfish and becoming more ​other-oriented ​because I was more aware
of my mother’s feelings (Beebe 8e, pg 2.) since she gets worried for me and is protective. An
example of this is about a month ago on journal entry #15 my boyfriend had invited me to see a
movie with his brother and I knew my mother had work until 6:30, so I texted her on my lunch
break to let her know what time the movie was, where, and with who I was going with. She had
said yes. This made more​ agreeableness ​(Beebe 8e, pg 39.) because she could trust me and we
cooperated well with each other.

Telling details in a conversation may not seem like it’s a big deal but details can be the biggest
part to connect the bigger picture. I used to paraphrase a lot but not the good kind of
paraphrasing where it was short and you could understand. It was just jumbled thoughts mainly
said. This was a part of the speaking before thinking constraint. I worked on saying details while
paraphrasing​ like saying the “key ideas of [my] partner’s message that helps [me] check the
accuracy of [my] understanding,” (Beebe 8e, 136.) of what they said. Any details that followed
along with the key points that were important, I would say. An example of this is journal entry
#20 where my mom asked my half-sister, half-brother, and I if we wanted to go see Frozen 2.
My half-sister didn’t want to go so my mother personally talked to me and asked me what time
would I finish work and if I could buy the tickets for the movie. She had briefly told me to
choose a time after 6:45pm. I told her okay and then clarified by saying “Okay. I will buy 3
tickets at the District for the 7:00 showing. Is that okay?” and she replied with a yes. This had
helped us both understand because I replied back with the same detail in a paraphrased form.

Another time I was better at not being selfish is when I had taken steps on not using​ hate speech
(Beebe 8e, pg 161.) and​ separating the people from the problem ​(Beebe 8e, pg 235.) This day
was when I had to go babysit my sister at her house. My mom had a last minute notice of this
happening so I now understand why she was frustrated at the time. In the moment of that I
wanted to tell her to stop and listen to me and say other things that could have been hurtful
towards her. So the specific behavior that was causing all the intense feelings were more
impulsive and unfair to her. She had no notice of her needing to be babysitted and she had a right
to feel angry. I didn’t understand that and I wish I had thought it through to see her point of view
of it all.

Results
The implementation of the strategies had positive and negative consequences. One of the positive
consequences was being able to listen more than at the beginning of this project. I have gotten
better at listening to listen rather than listening to just speak my opinion. This can be called
mindfulness​ where it is “the ability to think consciously about what you are doing and
experiencing.” (Beebe 8e, pg 32.) This helps me understand the other person, being my mother,
when we have daily conversations on different things. The more I understood her the more I
knew how important it was to be clear in my conversations so she could understand me just as
much.
Another positive consequence is with being able to listen more. I have become more selfless in
my conversations with my mother. Asking questions can have a big impact on this because the
other person feels like you care about them and it also can clarify meanings and get rid of
malapropism​ or ​restricted code ​where certain words have a certain meaning and only a person
or group or culture can understand it (Beebe 8e, pg 159.) And if there is more clarity in the
communication then the happier we both are because we understand each other.

A negative consequence that I have had is sometimes being in the heat of the moment and
forgetting that I am trying to get better at my communication skills. When you are upset it can be
easy to forget everything positive and shove negativity through your words. I can’t be perfect at
this but I am better at it than how I was at the beginning of this project. I think that just with
more practice I can get even better at my communication skills with not only my mother but
other relationships in my life.

I am satisfied with the changes because it has overall helped my communication skills a lot more
than at the beginning of this project, and class. I can keep using these strategies to have healthier
relationships and that makes me happy about it. I have gotten better at not using malapropism
because if I get a word mixed up I would explain something that would relate to that certain
meaning of the word so it wouldn’t be the other meaning.

Recommendations
I will definitely be using all the different strategies and theories in the future as well because it
actually makes a difference in the relationships we have in our lives. It all has benefited my
relationship with my mother and we have gotten closer from it. Our relationship would have
stayed the same or worsened if I hadn’t taken this class honestly. The modifications I would
make is mostly just doing these strategies on different people besides my mother because as
important as my relationship with hers is, I do have others I can mend. I am also going to try to
keep the hate speech to the lowest minimum it can be and change it into something positive. A
theory I want to use more often is the ​communication accommodation theory ​where “all
people adapt their behaviors to others to some extent.” (Beebe 8e, pg 109.) How I would use this
theory is use the strategies I have used so much that the people I care about are influenced by it
and use them as well. I think it could help a lot of relationships all around, and not just mine.
 Works Cited
Beebe, Beebe, & Redmond. (2017.) Interpersonal Communication: Relating to Others. Boston:
Pearson