"One lawyer can steal more than a hundred men with guns.

" - The Godfather

"To be, or not to be."--Hamlet "Do-bee-do-bee-do."--Sinatra
'Shut up,' he explained. - Ring Lardner, The Young Immigrants, 1920
43rd Law of Computing:^Anything that can go wr^Seek Error reading Drive C:^Abort
, Retry, Ignore, Fail?
A Big Mac, french fries and a large Coke!
A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
A bird in the hand can be messy.
A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
A day without sunshine is like night.
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
A half moon is better than no moon at all.
A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. -
Robert Frost
A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
A pessimist complains about the noise when opportunity knocks.
A plucked goose does not lay golden eggs.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
A shortcut is the longest path between two points.
A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic. - Joseph Stalin
A small good deed is better then the grandest intention.
A wise man can see more from a mountain top^than a fool can from the bottom of a
well.
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
Above all else -- sky.
According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally wort
hless.
All people are equal, but some are more equal than others. - Eu
All cats are gray in the dark. - Benjamin Franklin
All great discoveries are made by accident.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise man to be able to sell it. - S
amuel Butler (1835-1902)
Anything is possible, unless it's not.
As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
Auribus teneo lupum. (I hold a wolf by the ears.)
Beam me up, Scotty!
Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt
.
Between two evils, always pick the one you never tried before.
Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose.
Blackberries are red when they are green.
Buy low, sell high.
Carpe Diem.
Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint him.
Computers can never replace human stupidity.
Dating is like Geometry: If you've got the curves, I've got the angles.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
Do not believe in miracles--rely on them.
Do you know what floccinaucinihilipilification means?
Doing nothing makes you tired 'cause you can't take a break.
Don't be mad about growing old, some aren't that lucky.
Don't everyone thank me at once.
Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
Don't judge a book by its movie.
Don't let school interfere with your education.
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today, it's already tomorrow in Aus
tralia. - Shultz
Eat shit -- billions of flies can't be wrong.
Even the blind can see money. - Chinese proverb
Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you just how
busy they are?
Every time I lose weight, it finds me again!
Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television. - David L
etterman
Everything going good? you must have overlooked something.
Exhaustion error: DOS is too tired to boot.
Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail in the same way.
Fact--red lights always last longer then green ones.
Fatal error at 2dh^^Abort, Retry, Ignore, Curse me out?
Feel good? don't worry, you'll get over it.
Felson's Law:^^To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many
is research.
Finagle's First Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
Forgive your enemies but never forget their names.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. - Dr. Thomas Jones (1916-1981)^
Massachusetts Institute of Technology
Fudd's First Law: "If you push something hard enough, it will fall over."
Gargling twice daily is a good way to see if your neck leaks.
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you shoul
d.
Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters needs p
ounding. - Abraham Kaplan
God must love the common man; He made so many of them.
Gumperson's Law: The probability of anything happening is inversely proportional
to its desirability.
Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion.
Hartley's First Law:^^You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to f
loat on his back, you've got something.
Have the courage to live; anyone can die. - Robert Cody
Have you ever shown a novice the "any" key? ... Was it the power switch?
He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know.
He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
He who shits on the road will meet flies on his return. - South African Saying
Hoare's Law of Large Problems:^^Inside every large problem is a small problem st
ruggling to get out.
How come wrong numbers are never busy? - Stephen Wright
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
How many weeks are there in a light year?
I don't care how much a man talks, if he only says it in a few words. - Josh Bil
lings
I doubt, therefore I might be.
I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it. - Samuel Goldwyn
I happen to know quite a bit about the South. Spent twenty years there one night
. - Dick Gregory
I know karate...and seven other Chinese words.
I love the smell of Napalm in the morning. - Apocalypse Now
I think, therefore I am paid.
I think, therefore I am. I think.
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure. - Graffiti
I Writing about art is like dancing about architecture. - Anon.
I was born in 1962. True. And the room next to me was 1963... -
I will defend to your death my right to my opinion. - Author Unknown
I'd love to, but I never go out on days that end in "Y".
I'd love to, but I'm having all my plants neutered.
I'd love to, but my subconscious says no.
I'd love to, but the man on television told me to stay tuned.
I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me.
I'm not completely worthless, I can always serve as a bad example.
I'm not lost, but I don't know where I am.
I'm okay and you're okay. . . but I'm more okay than you are. - Unknown
I'm trying to loose weight, but it keeps finding me.
If a string has one end, it has another.
If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
If anything can go wrong, it will.
If at first you don't succeed, give up. No use being a damn fool.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
If God had wanted man to fly, He would have given him airline tickets.
If it looks easy, it's tough. If it looks tough, it's impossible.
If Mohammed can't go to the mountain, then that's his problem.
If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
If we can't fix it -- we'll fix it so nobody can. - B. Gibbons
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars. - J. Paul Getty
If you knew what Mona Lisa knew, you'd smile too.
If you want to look young and thin, hand around old fat people. - Jim Eason
If you're feeling good, don't worry; you'll get over it.
If your aim in life is nothing; you can't miss.
If your computer speaks English it was probably made in Japan.
Imitation is the sincerest form of plagiarism.
Immortality: A fate worse than death. - Edgar A. Shoaff
In a museum in Havana there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus. . . one when
he was a boy and one when he was a man. - Mark Twain
In every real man is a child hidden that wants to play. - Freidrich Nietzsche
In space, no one can hear you fart.
In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals.
In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.
Ingrate: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigest
ion.
Is this bullshit or fertilizer? - Author Unknown
It is morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem.
Jones' Motto: Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed. - Southe
rn California Oracle
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're NOT trying to get you. - Anony
mous
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows wha
t it is.
Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid;^Open it and you remove al
l doubt.
Know yourself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.
Leave no stone unturned.
Liar: One who tells an unpleasant truth.
Life is an illusion and reality is a figment of the imagination.
Life is that brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.
Life is wasted on the living. - Zaphod Beeblebrox IV
Light at the end of the tunnel? look out for that train.
Love is a matter of chemistry, but Sex is a matter of physics.
Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first!
Make the most of the best and the least of the worst.
Make three consecutive correct guesses and you will be considered an expert.
Many alligators will be slain, but the swamp will remain.
Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
May you never live to see your wife a widow.
Men have many faults, Women only two: Everything they say, And everything they d
o!
Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last.
Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images. - Jean Cocteau
Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
Monday: In Christian countries, the day after the football game.
Mr. Cole's Axiom:^^The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
population is growing.
My brain hurts!
Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist.
Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river.
Never say anything more predictive than "Watch this!"
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
No good deed goes unpunished.
No one knows what he can do till he tries.
Nobel Prize money is a lifebelt thrown to a swimmer who has already reached the
shore in safety. - George Bernard Shaw (Attrib.)
Nothing is ever a complete failure; it can always serve as a bad example.
Nothing is sometimes the best thing to say.
Nothing makes a politician forget campaign promises faster than being elected.
Old age = you + 20 years.
One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
Optimist is person who thinks he can break up traffic jam by blowing horn.
Ours is a world where people don't know what they want and are willing to go thr
ough hell to get it.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it is too dark
to read.
Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world really isn't out to get you.
People smart enough to give good advice are usually smart enough to give none.
Positive expectations yield negative results.
Proper treatment can cure a cold in seven days -- but left to itself it'll hang
on for a week.
Reading is to the Mind, what exercise is to the Body. - Joseph Addison
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction.
Resist everything but temptation.
Rubbing hair restorer into your scalp is a good way to insure hairy fingers.
Rule of Feline Frustration:^^When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and loo
ks utterly
content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.
Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
Say nothing and they think your stupid... talk and they know for sure.
Scientists will study your brain to learn more about your distant cousin, Man.
Semper Fi, dude.
Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
Sevareid's Law: The chief cause of problems is solutions.
Sex is like snow...^^You never know how many inches you're going to get or how l
ong it will last.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
Shit Happens.
Short cut... the longest distance between two points.
Sign on bank: "FREE BOTTLE OF CHIVAS WITH EVERY MILLION--DOLLAR DEPOSIT."
Smile, tomorrow will be worse.
Smile! It makes people wonder what your up to.
Smile! It makes people wonder what you've been up to.
Smile! Things can only get worse.
Some people believe anything if you whisper it.
Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.
Speak the truth but leave immediately after. - Yugoslav Proverb
Success isn't how far you got, but the distance you travelled from where you sta
rted.
Teamwork is vital... it gives you someone to blame.
Tell a child he got 1 right, not 99 wrong.
That which does not kill us makes us stronger.
The F-15 Eagle: If it's up, we'll shoot it down. If it's down, we'll blow it up
. - A McDonnell-Douglas ad from a few years ago
The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to t
he left.
The future is a myth created by insurance salesmen and high school counselors.
The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature is to buil
d better mice.
The hardest job of all is trying to look busy when you're not.
The Law of Selective Gravity (The Buttered Side Down Law): An object will fall s
o as to do the most damage.
The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.
The light at the end of the tunnel...is the light of an oncoming train.
The longest word in the English language is the one following the phrase: 'And n
ow a word from our sponsor.'
The Maintainer's Motto: If we can't fix it, it ain't broke. - Lt. Col. Walt Weir
, USA
The more you say, the less people remember.
The only race worth winning is the human race.
The only thing constant is change.
The only thing wrong with doing nothing is that you never know when you're done.
The other line moves faster.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your
action.
The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go to erase i
t.
The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing i
t.
The scariest words known to man:^"We need to talk."
The secret of dealing successfully with a child is not to be its parent. - Mel L
azarus
The shortest distance between two points is under construction. - Noelie Altito
The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
The statement below is true.^^The statement above is false. - Paradox
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
The truth is the one thing that nobody will believe. - George Bernard Shaw
The way to a woman's heart is through the left ventricle.
The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
The world isn't worse. It's just that the news coverage is so much better.
There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.
There is always an easier way to do it.
There is no devil; it's God when he's drunk.
There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
There's at least one fool in every married couple.
Thinking is wise, planning is better, doing is best.
Those of you who think you know everything are annoying those of us who do.
Those who do the most usually demand the least.
Time is the image of eternity.
To be, or what?
To climb the ladder of success you must get through the crowd at the bottom.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be SHOT AGAIN!
Trying to ... is like trying to take a drink from a fire hose
Unwritten laws can not be erased.
A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
Want to have some fun? Walk into an antique shop and say, 'What's new?'
We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.
We know the sound of two hands clapping, but what of the sound of one?
We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best friends are tr
ying to kill us.
Westheimer's Time Estimation Rule: Estimate the time you think it should take, m
ultiply by 2,
add 3, and change the unit of measure to the next higher unit.
What costs little is valued less.
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
What you are, not what you have, is what makes you rich.
When a hammer is the only tool, everything looks like a nail.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
When choosing between two evils I always like to take the one I've never tried b
efore. - Mae West
When elephants fight it is the grass that suffers. - Kikuyu proverb
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I'm beginning t
o believe it. - Clarence Darrow
When nothing can possibly go wrong, it will.
When the plane you're on is late, the plane you need to transfer to is on time.
When things are going well, something will go wrong.
When you are in shit up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
When you finally discover all of Life's answers, they'll change the questions.
Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
Where profit is, loss is hidden nearby. - Japanese proverb
Why are today's rough times always tomorrow's good old days?
Why do you always find something in the last place you look?
Why does bread always fall butter side down?
Why does the other line always move faster?
Winners never quit and quitters never win.
Wise man see more from bottom of well than fool from mountain top.
Yesterday is a memory. Tomorrow is a vision. Today is a bitch.
You always find something in the last place you look, unless it's not there.
You are so narrow-minded you can see through a keyhole with two eyes.
You can always find what you are not looking for.
You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word. - Al Capo
ne
You can't have everything... where would you put it? - Steven Wright
You can't kiss a girl unexpectedly--only sooner than she thought you would.
You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
You don't know what you want, and are willing to go through hell to get it.
You must ask much to get a little. - Anonymous
You used to be indecisive. Now you're not sure.
You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.
You will see the light at the end of the tunnel; unfortunately, it will be the l
ight of an oncoming freight train.
You're being logical, but you're not thinking.
Youth is wasted on the young.
Nobody notices when things go right.