Rebuilding Trust

If we have been badly hurt, threatened, betrayed or abused by others, often we find it hard to trust
again. But if we go through life never trusting anyone, it makes it hard, if not impossible, to build
deep and meaningful relationships with others.

So how could we approach this difficult issue, knowing there are no easy answers?

Well, first we should note that there is a difference between ‘blind trust’ and ‘mindful trust’. ‘Blind
trust’ means trusting someone completely without taking the time to assess whether they are
deserving of your trust. ‘Mindful trust’ on the other hand, means that we have taken the time to
assess what type of person we are dealing with, before we decide to trust them.

We might question how honest, open and truthful they are. We could also consider how sincere
they are (do they mean what they say?), how reliable they are (do they follow through on the things
they say they will do?), how responsible they are (do they consider the consequences of their
actions?) and how competent they are (are they actually competent to do the things they say
they’re going to do?)

As we get to know someone, we are able to assess whether they are sincere, reliable, responsible,
and competent, based on our direct observation of their actions. We can then establish mindful trust
rather than relying on blind trust.

Second, a general principle in the ACT model is to distinguish feelings from actions. While we have a
lot of control over the actions of trust, we have very little control over the feelings of trust. So what
does trust feel like? Well, usually it is a feeling of security, comfort, confidence, safety, calmness,
relief – or some mixture thereof. So how likely is it that if you’ve been hurt or abused in a significant
relationship, that you will have positive feelings when you enter your next significant relationship?
Highly unlikely, is the obvious answer. The feelings you are likely to have are those of anxiety, doubt,
insecurity and vulnerability.

So, the question to ask yourself is: If developing meaningful relationships truly matters to you, are
you willing to make room for these feelings, and take them with you into the new relationship?

Third, remember that while you can’t control the feelings of trust, you can control the actions. So
rather than leaping head-first into a new relationship, you can take small actions of trust – just baby
steps initially – and mindfully assess the consequences. As the other person starts to prove
‘trustworthy’, you can then take larger actions of trust (and continue mindfully assessing the
consequences).

And you keep on doing this – step by step – all the while making room for those perfectly normal
feelings of anxiety, insecurity, and vulnerability (which will probably intensify as the size of your
trusting action increases). And if the other person keeps on responding appropriately – then maybe,
after a while, you will start to develop the feelings of trust. But this is not in your control. Only the
actions are in your control.

Fourth, it’s important to acknowledge that one thing you can never have is absolute certainty. If you
want absolute certainty that you will never get hurt again in a significant relationship, the only way
you can achieve that is to avoid ever getting into one. And is that the life you would really choose to
have? If meaningful relationships are part of a rich and full life for you, then are you willing to make
room for uncertainty; unhook from the ‘I’ll get hurt story’, and breathe into that knot in your
stomach, and make some space for that tightness in your chest?

© Russ Harris 2017 www.ImLearningACT.com

Fifth, find a healthy balance between trust and self-protection. If you’ve met someone new, it may
be wise to ask others what they know about this person. In some situations, it may be wise to check
up on them – to see if they were telling the truth, or if they followed through on their promises. In
some situations, it may be wise to wait a long time before you are ever alone together. Obviously as
a genuine trusting relationship is established, these self-protective actions will become less
necessary.

The key is to find a HEALTHY balance. If it’s all about self-protection, you’ll destroy the relationship
or prevent it from getting established, but if it’s all about trust and you neglect the self-protection,
then you’re taking unnecessary risks. It’s about finding a balance that works, and expecting that
balance to shift over time, assuming the relationship goes well.

Finally, these same principles apply in long-established relationships where trust has been abused. If
one partner has cheated or lied or deceived or manipulated or harmed the other, then the wronged
partner has to make a choice about whether or not to continue with that relationship. If the
wronged partner chooses to stay, they can expect to have plenty of thoughts and feelings of
suspicion, insecurity, jealousy, anxiety, anger etc – all of which they will need to unhook from and
make room for, if they want their relationship to survive, recover, and thrive. Neither partner should
expect feelings of trust to return for a long time.

And again, the aggrieved partner will have to find a healthy balance between actions of self-
protection and actions of trust. In other words, if your husband has cheated on you, it’s reasonable
to call him at the office when he says he’s working late. If your wife has frittered the mortgage away
on gambling, it’s reasonable to keep an eye on all her bank accounts. As genuine trust is gradually re-
established, these self-protective actions will become less necessary. But it may take a long time.

© Russ Harris 2017 www.ImLearningACT.com