GOTTLEIB & HINZE

Gottlieb
I think your only purpose is to catch mice.

Hinze
If, in our intercourse with human beings, we had not developed a healthy contempt for speech, we would
all speak.

Gottlieb
Well, I'll grant you that! — But why do you never let anyone become aware of this ability of yours?

Hinze
To avoid being burdened with responsibility; once the power of speech is beaten into us so-called dumb
brutes, we won't be able to take any pleasure out of life. Look at all the things dogs are compelled to do
and learn! And horses, those poor martyred creatures! The foolish animals have revealed their
intelligence; they just had to indulge their vanity. We cats, however, are still the freest race because we
are clever enough to behave in so clumsy a fashion that human beings have quite given up all ideas of
training us.

Gottlieb
But why do you reveal all this to me?

Hinze
Because You are a good and noble man, one of the few who take no delight in servitude and slavery; so
You see, that is why I reveal my true nature to You.

Gottlieb
giving him his hand.
You're a good friend!

Hinze
Human beings labor under the misapprehension that the only remarkable thing about us cats is that
strange purring which arises from a certain sense of well-being; for that reason they often stroke us
awkwardly, and then we only purr to ward off blows. But if they knew how to manage us in the right way,
believe me, they could accustom our good nature to anything, and Michel, Your neighbor's tom-cat, would
even at times be pleased to jump through a hoop for the king.

Gottlieb
Generous Hinze! Ah, how unjustly do people speak ill of you and deride you when they doubt your true
loyalty and devotion! My eyes are being opened; how my knowledge of human nature is increasing, and
so unexpectedly!
KING & PRINCESS

King
A thousand handsome princes, my esteemed daughter, have already sued for your hand and laid their
kingdoms at your feet, but you have refused them all. Tell us the reason for this, my treasure.

Princess
Most gracious father, it has always been my belief that my heart must first evince certain sentiments
before I can pass under the yoke of matrimony. For a marriage without love, they say, is truly a hell upon
earth.

King
That is right, my dear. Yes, yes, what you say is indeed true: a hell on earth! Alas, would that I were not
qualified to discuss it! Indeed I should have preferred to remain blissfully ignorant of it! But as it is, my
dear, I could a tale unfold, as they say. Your mother, my consort of blessed memory — ah, Princess, see,
even in my old age the tears rush to my eyes — she was a good queen, she wore the crown with a
sublime air of majesty — but she gave me very little peace. — Well, may she rest in peace among her
royal relatives.

Princess
Your majesty excites himself too much.

King
When I think back on it now — O my child, on my bended knee I implore you — consider carefully before
you marry. — It is a great truth that linen and a bridegroom should not be bought by candlelight; a sublime
truth which every maiden should have inscribed in letters of gold in her chamber. — Oh, how I suffered!
Not one day passed without a quarrel; I could not sleep in peace; I could not conduct my imperial affairs
at my own convenience; I had notime for personal reflection; I could not read the newspaper without
being distracted. —At dinner, I could never enjoya fine roast or indulge my appetite; every morsel I
swallowed was seasoned with irritation; every course was served with so much squabbling, scolding,
sneering, grumbling, griping, grouching, nagging, sulking , biting, grousing, growling and groaning, that
more often than not I wished I were amongst the dead rather than amongst the dishes. — And yet my
spirit occasionally yearns for you, my dear belated Clothilde! — My eyes are filling up again — oh, what a
foolish old man I am!

Princess
affectionately
O father!

King
I tremble whenever I think of all the dangers that face you; for, even if you do fall in love now, my dear,
and even if your love and affection are requited — ah, just think, my child, wise men have written weighty
tomes, often closely printed, warning of the dangers of love; simply falling in love and being loved in
return can be enough to make one miserable: the happiest, the most blissful emotion can ruin us; love is,
as it were, an ingenious puzzle cup: instead of nectar, it often dispenses poison; next thing you know,
your pillow is drenched in tears; all hope, all comfort are gone.
CRITICS

Critic 1
Why, it's getting crazier and crazier. — What was the purpose of that last scene, I wonder?

Critic 2
No purpose at all; it was totally unnecessary; just an excuse to introduce some new piece of tomfoolery.
We seem to have lost sight of the cat altogether. There's no fixed point of view at all.

Critic 1
It's just as if I were drunk. In what period is the play supposed to be set, then? Obviously, the hussars are
a recent invention.

Critic 2
We simply shouldn't put up with it; we should kick up a racket. We haven't the faintest idea now what this
play is about.

Critic 1
And no love interest, either! There's nothing in it for the heart, nothing for the imagination!

Critic 2
I don't know about the rest of you, but at the first sign of any more nonsense, I'm going to start stamping
and hissing.

Critic 3
to Critic 2
I like this play now.

Critic 2
Very nice, very nice indeed; he's a great man, the author — he has imitated The Magic Flute very well.

Critic 3
I especially liked the hussars; people are usually too apprehensive to bring horses onto the stage — but
why not? They often have more sense than the humans. I would rather see one good horse than several
human beings in a modern play.

Critic 2
The Moors in Kotzebue[1] — after all, a horse is just another kind of Moor.

Critic 3
Did you notice what regiment the hussars belonged to?

Critic 2
No, I wasn't paying close enough attention to them. — Too bad they took themselves off so soon; actually,
I'd like to see a whole play with nothing but hussars in it — I really like the cavalry.
KING & LEANDER
King
But what's wrong with the world today? Why
does one no longer engage in intelligent
conversation at the dinner-table? I cannot enjoy
a bite unless my mind has some nourishment
too. Court scholar, have you decided to play the
Court fool today?
Leander
eating
May it please your majesty—
King
How far is the Sun from the Earth?
Leander
Two hundred thousand and seventy-five miles
and a quarter, assuming fifteen miles to one
degree.
King
And the circumference of the circle within which
the planets taken together revolve?
Leander
If we tally the distances each planet covers
individually, the sum-total works out at a little
more than a billion miles.
King
A billion! — People sometimes express their
amazement by saying, Ei, der Tausend![1] But
now we even have billions! There's nothing in
the world I like better than to hear of such large
numbers — millions, trillions — that gives one
something to think about. — Upon my soul,
that's quite a lot, a thousand million, more or
less.
Leander
As the numbers increase, so human intelligence
expands.
King
But tell me, approximately how large is the
circumference of the entire Universe, including
the fixed stars, galaxies, nebulae, and all the
other rubbish?
Leander
That number cannot be expressed at all.
King
threatening him with his scepter
But you shall express it, or else—
Leander
Well, if we consider a million as one, then
approximately ten times a hundred thousand
trillion units, each unit representing one million
miles.
King
Just think, children! — Would you ever have
believed that this little universe of ours could be
so immense? Oh, but how that exercises the
mind!
Hanswurst
Your majesty, it is surely a very strange
immensity that has in it even less food for
thought than for one's stomach; it seems to me
that this bowl of rice here is far more immense.