Youne FRANKENSTEIN ACT ONE Scene 1 On the front cloth, we see a forbidding castle atop a distant hill. A MUSICAL PRELUDE begins and we see the title “Young Frankenstein” projected on the cloth. A light appears in a castle window, followed by a projection along the bottom of the cloth “Transyloania Heights, 1934.” We hear the funereal SOUND of tolling CHURCH BELLS as we bleed through the scrim to reveal the village square in the small European village of Transylvania Heights. It is a gloomy and drizzly afternoon in late spring. LIGHTS up on a HERALD, ringing a handbell Pree Tut Omen HERALD MAKE WAY! MAKE WAY! A funeral procession enters headed by a censor-swinging PRIEST, followed by a pair of UNDERTAKERS carrying an ornate coffin with the words carved on its side, "Dr. Victor von Frankenstein, 1833-1934." The coffin is followed by a GRAVEDIGGER. Make way for the funeral procession of Doctor Victor von Frankenstein, maker of monsters! A crowd of solemn VILLAGERS, in dark funereal garb and holding black umbrellas, stand back as the coffin passes. As the coffin exits, they step forward. ALL LISTEN TO OUR TALE OF WOE, A STORY WE MUST TELL, WHAT HAPPENED IN THAT CASTLE, MADE OUR LIVES A LIVING HELL! A MAD MAN WHO WAS CRAZY BROUGHT A DEAD MAN BACK TO LIFE, WHO HURT AND LAMED, AND KILLED AND MAIMED, OUR TOWN WAS TORN WITH STRIFE! ‘The rain subsidesYouno FRANKenstein WOMEN BUT NOW WE'RE NOT AFRAID NO MORE, WE SEE A BRIGHTER DAY. ALL HE'S LAID TO REST, WE'RE TRULY BLESSED, AND THIS IS WHAT WE SAY. THEY throw off their dark cloaks to reveal brightly colored costumes as the sun appears, THINGS ARE SWELL NOW, RING THAT BELL NOW WE'RE IN HEAVEN, NO MORE HELL NOW NOW THE DOCTOR'S DEAD, GOODBYE TO DREAD WE'RE THE HAPPIEST TOWN IN TOWN! ‘As ZIGGY snaps a photo, INSPECTOR KEMP appears, interrupting the VILLAGERS and their dancing. KEMP Hold the happiness! VILLAGERS Kemp! Kemp! It's Inspector Kemp! It’s Kemp! WOMAN VILLAGER Hold the happiness? Why, Inspector Kemp? KEMP Because as long as a Frankenstein lives, our village is in danger! MALE VILLAGER #1 But, Inspector, the Baron is dead. And he was the last of the Frankensteins! KEMP | No! | VILLAGERS No? KEMP One lives! (The VILLAGERS gasp) A grandson!YOuNG FRANKENSTEIN ZIGGY Who is he? HERALD What does he do? . KEMP He's a professor, the Dean of Anatomy at New York’s most famous institute of higher learning, the Johns, Miriam and Anthony Hopkins School of Medicine! As long as this young Frankenstein walks the earth, we will never be safe! MALE VILLAGER #2 You're right, Inspector, those Frankensteins are dangerous! KEMP You're telling me? I'll never forget, when I was a young man, one of Frankenstein's creatures came rampaging through our village. I tried to stop him, but I couldn't. He tore off my left leg and my right arm. VILLAGERS Oooh! KEMP Thad to go all the way to Vienna to find a top surgeon who could put me back together again. MALE VILLAGER #3 A top surgeon in Vienna? That must have been expensive. _ KEMP Expensive? Are you kidding? It cost me an arm and a leg, ZIGGY Which cost more? The arm or the leg? KEMP We have to get a new village idiot. (as HE exits) Beware of the Frankensteins! ZIGGY I may be the village idiot, but I ask you, what are the chances of a New York doctor ever coming to Transylvania? ALL ’ None! Yeah!-4e YounG FRANKENSTEIN (ALL) | (as THEY begin to exit) ON THIS HAPPY DAY WE SAY AMEN WE HAVE WANTED THIS SINCE GOD KNOWS WHEN ZIGGY NO MORE FRANKENSTEIN | ALL YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN ZIGGY NO MORE FRANKENSTEIN ALL WE'RE THE HAPPIEST TOWN IN TOWN, NO MORE FRANKENSTEIN ZIGGY NO MORE FRANKENSTEIN ALL NO MORE FRANKENSTEIN ZIGGY NO MORE FRANKENSTEIN | WOMEN | NO MORE FRANKENSTEIN ZIGGY | NO MORE FRANKENSTEIN, , WOMEN NO MORE FRANKENSTEIN ZIGGY NO MORE FRANKENSTEIN ZIGGY & WOMEN FRANKENSTEIN...FRANKENSTEIN FRANKENSTEIN....FRANKENSTEIN We transition into Scene 2...YounG FRANKENSTEIN = 5 - ACT ONE Scene 2 Lights up on three MEDICALS STUDENTS, standing against a black drop covered in scientific proofs and formulas, questioning DR. FREDERICK FRANKENSTEIN. . STUDENTS (picking up the VILLAGERS singing) FRANKENSTEIN, FRANKENSTEIN, FRANKENSTEIN, FRANKENSTEIN. NEURO Mace STUDENT #1 IT'S BEEN SAID THAT YOUR GRANDFATHER BROUGHT DEAD TISSUE BACK TO LIFE, IS THAT TRUE, DR. FRANKENSTEIN? STUDENT #2 IT’S BEEN SAID THAT YOUR GRANDFATHER CREATED A HORRIFYING MONSTER, 1S THAT TRUE, DR. FRANKENSTEIN? STUDENT #3 IT’S BEEN SAID. --May, even sung. THAT YOUR GRANDFATHER'S MONSTER HURT AND LAMED, KILLED AND MAIMED, IS THAT TRUE, DR. FRANKENSTEIN? STUDENTS IS THAT TRUE, DR. FRANKENSTEIN? IS THAT TRUE, DR. FRANKENSTEIN? 1S THAT TRUE, IS THAT TRUE, IS THAT TRUE, IS THAT TRUE, DR. FRANKENSTEIN? A lecture hall in a medical school materializes, with a sign that reads “Johns, Miriam & Anthony Hopkins School of Medicine, Founded 1874.” As the MEDICAL STUDENTS take their seats, DR. FREDERICK FRANKENSTEIN is revealed. He turns to address his STUDENTS.Younc FRANKENSTEIN FREDERICK That's Fronkensteen! My name, it's pronounced Fronkensteen! (laughing) ‘Yes, yes, the whole world knows what my grandfather did. But please, do I look like the kind of madrian who'd prowl around graveyards, digging up freshly buried corpses? . STUDENT #3 Well, Professor. FREDERICK Don't answer that! 1'M NOT A FRANKENSTEIN, 1 DON'T INDULGE IN HIJINKS ‘OR TOMFOOLERY! I'M NOT A FRANKENSTEIN, 1 DON'T BELIEVE IN MUMMIES, GHOSTS, OR GHOULERY! IDEAL IN FACT NOT FICTION, 1AM A SCIENTIST, I LIVE FOR TRUTH AND REASON, THAT'S THE REASON I EXIST There is a vast difference between my crazy grandfather's delusional experiments and my own devotion to pure science. Which leads us directly to the subject of today’s lecture. HE holds up a brain in a display case. THE BRAIN! ‘THERE IS NOTHING LIKE THE BRAIN HEARTS AND LUNGS ARE SIMPLY TINKER TOYS WHEN STACKED AGAINST THE BRAIN! INSANE! I’M INSANE ABOUT THE BRAIN! NO INVENTION IN THE UNIVERSE IS EQUAL TO THE BRAIN! ‘THE MOUTH’S A MARVEL WHEN IT COMES TO EATING, I'VE NOTHING AGAINST THE WOMB,YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN (FREDERICK) I THANK THE BLADDER WHEN I’M EXCRETING, AND I ALWAYS GIVE THE ELBOW ROOM! BUT THE BRAIN! PLEASE ALLOW ME TO EXPLAIN, ‘THERE'S NO ORGAN CAN COMPARE TO IT, ISWEAR TOIT, IT'S PLAIN, I'S THE BRAIN. A STUDENT raises his hand to ask a question, STUDENT #2 Sir? FREDERICK Yes? STUDENT #2, T'm not sure I understand the distinction between reflexive and voluntary nerve impulses. FREDERICK Very good. Since our lab work today is a demonstration of just that distinction. HE bangs a gong and a pair of ASSISTANTS wheel in a gurney on which lies MR. HILLTOP. Mr. Hilltop here, with whom I have never worked nor given any prior instruction to, has graciously offered his services for this afternoon’s demonstration. HIS MEDULLA OBLONGATA, TELLS HIS BRAIN STEM THAT IT’S GOTTA SEND AN IMPULSE FULL OF DATA WHICH CREATES A LOTTA PAIN. HIS FRONTAL LOBE GETS BUSY WITH A THOUGHT THAT MAKES HIM DIZZY, PUTS HIS CORTEX IN A TIZZY, SO HE NEVER WILL COMPLAIN, THAT'S WHAT I LOVE ABOUT THE BRAIN! Mr. Hilltop, would you please hop up on your feet and stand beside this table, With much effort, MR. HILLTOP gets down off the gurney and stands next to FREDERICK Nice hopping. Mr. Hilltop, will you raise your left knee, please,YounG FRANKENSTEIN MR. HILLTOP does so and continues to balance on one foot during the following (FREDERICK) . You have just witnessed a voluntary nerve impulse. Mr. Hilltop, you may lower your knee. MR. HILLTOP does 50 Reflex movements, on the other hand, are those which are made independently of the will FREDERICK raises his knee as if to get MR. HILLTOP in the groin Why you dirty rotten yellow son-of-a-bitch! MR. HILLTOP (Doubled over and holding his groin) Ooooh! FREDERICK EVEN THOUGH I ALMOST KNEED HIM HIS REFLEXES HAVE NO FREEDOM TO REACT WHEN I MISTREAT HIM, IT'S IMPORTANT | EXPLAIN SYNAPTIC NERVE CONNECTION GOES ITS WAY WITHOUT DETECTION BRINGING CRANIAL PROTECTION IN A NEVER-ENDING CHAIN! | ‘THAT'S WHAT I LOVE ABOUT THE BRAIN! | But what if we were to block those nerve impulses by simply applying local pressure... : HE takes a metal clamp from one of the ASSISTANTS and places it around the back of ‘MR. HILLTOP's neck. «which can be done with any ordinary metal clamp, just at the swelling of the posterior nerve roct...for say, oh, four seconds. HE smashes his knee into MR. HILLTOP's groin } Why you mother-grabbing bastard! MR. HILLTOP does not react, but his eyes cross ‘As you can see, even though I have just smashed my knee into his crotch, he does not react. He feels absolutely nothing, MR. HILLTOP (quietly, in pain) Mmmm...