(title of show] MUSIC AND LYRICS BY BOOK BY Jeff Bowen Hunter Bell [title of show] was originally produced on Broadway by Kevin McCollum, Jeffrey Seller, Roy Miller, Laura Camien, Kris Stewart, Vineyard Theatre and LAMS Productions at the Lyceum Theatre, where it opened on July 17, 2008. Originally produced by the Vineyard Theatre, New York City, February 2006. [title of show] was originally presented by Bridge Club Production at the 2004 New York Musical Theatre Festival THEATRECALS ailucetcomany 601 West 26th Street + Suite 312 * New York, NY 10001 Tel 800/400.8160 or 212/564.4000 + Fax 212/268.1245 www.rnh.com This Libretto Edition Copyright © 2009 by Jeff Bowen and Hunter Beil. International Copyright Secured. All Rights Reserved.COPYRIGHT WARNING Professionals and amateurs are hereby advised that this material is fully protected by copyright in the United States of America and throughout the world. All rights, including performance of any kind or nature by professionals or amateurs, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio or television broadcast, cable television, videotape, audio recording, ‘motion pictures and rights of translation into foreign languages are strictly reserved. Any performance, copying (including photocopying), arranging, adapting, inserting or storing in a retrieval system, transmitting in any forms or by any means whatsoever, including mechanical or electronic, or any portion of this material without the prior written consent of the copyright owners is an infringement of copyright thereby entitling the copyright ‘owners to injunctive and other relief to the full extent of the law. (RHO.8/24/2011.RS)CAST OF CHARACTERS Jeff — a composer/lyricist Hunter ~ a book writer Susan — their actor friend Heidi — their actor friend *The production pianist appears onstage at the keyboard throughout the entire performance, He is referred to gs“Larry.”) Ifit is a female pianist, then “Mary.” TIME AND SETTING Time: {time] Place: [place]MUSICAL SYNOPSIS UNTITLED OPENING NUMBER... Company Scene 1: Phone Call 1 ‘TWO NOBODIES IN NEW YORK . Jeff & Hunter ‘Answering Machine Message 1 (Hunter) Scene 2: Meet and Greet ‘Answering Machine Message 2 (Hunter) AN ORIGINAL MUSICAL... non Answering Machine Message 3 (Hei Scene 3: Procrastibating Jeff & Blank Paper MONKEYS AND PLAYBILLS so Company Scene 4: Post Monkeys THE TONY AWARD SONG wn Jeff & Hunter Scene 5: Pre “Part Of It AIP” PART OF IT ALL annnen Jeff & Hunter ‘Answering Machine Message 4 (Susan) 1AM PLAYING ME. & Others ‘Scene 6; Bench Scene WHAT KIND OF GIRL IS SHE?.. .Heidi & Susan Scene 7: Dream Sequence DIE VAMPIRE, DIE! wennesne Susan & Others Answering Machine Message 5 (Jef) Scene 8: Filling Out the Form FILLING OUT THE FORM ssemneneompanny ‘Scene 9: Mail It! Mail It! ‘Answering Machine Message 6 (Kris Stewart) MONTAGE PART |: SEPTEMBER SONG. hl Company MONTAGE PART 2: SECONDARY CHARACTERS. Heidi & Susan MONTAGE PART 3: DEVELOPMENT MEDLEY. Company Scene 10: What Now? ‘Scene 11: Meet And Greet 2 CHANGE IT, DON’T CHANGE IT.. ses Company ‘Answering Machine Message 7 (Sutton Foster) AWKWARD PHOTO SHOOT... ssreeene COMPANY Scene 12: Final Phone Call A WAY BACK TO THEN... Scene 13: Pre-9 ‘NINE PEOPLE'S FAVORITE THING FINAL!NOTES AND THOUGHTS FROM THE AUTHORS: Hunter Bell & Jeff Bowen What is {title of show]? {title of show] began in the Spring of 2004. While working our various day jobs, we received an e-mail mentioning a new musical theatre festival that was accepting submissions. With three weeks until the submission deadline, we made a commitment to write something and mail it. Very early on, we found that what made us think and laugh and write the most was writing about writing. So we kept on writing... and writing... and writing, ‘We made it into the New York Musical Theatre Festival’s inaugural season and met producer Kevin McCollum who encouraged us to keep working. So we did. And after several workshops, a stop at The O'Neill Center, a brief run at Ars Nova in New York City, a successful off-Broadway run at the Vineyard ‘Theatre and with blood, sweat, tears, time, agents, managers, love, support, family, friends and hard work, Kevin and a team of supportive co-producers transferred [title of show] to Broadway where it played at the historic Lyceum theatre, It was a dream come true. This show is about that dream and the friendships that made it happen. Who Says Four Chairs and a Keyboard Can’t Make a Broadway Musical? ‘The look of the original Broadway production of [title of show] was incredibly simple, beautiful and unique. We created our world with four chairs (very distinct to each character) and one keyboard, It was always our intent to explore whether or not people simply talking and listening and being their true, honest selves without bells and whistles was enough to make an evening of musical theater. title of tone Here are some tips for the actors to follow that helped the original cast at each and every show: 1. Really listen. If you are thinking about listening, then you are not really listening. 2. Ifthe words feels strange to you, that does not mean that you need to act strange or use a strange speaking voice, Just talk. 3. This is the first time you have lived this story. You don’t know anything that’s coming, 4, Trying to land a joke will result in you not landing a joke. 5. Breathe. 6. Enjoyment.FROM THE ORIGINAL BROADWAY PRODUCER: Kevin McCollum ‘The power of this show is that even though things are tough, you can never play any scene as a victim. Creating a new show is hard, frustrating and beautiful, if you refuse to fee! sorry for yourself. FROM THE ORIGINAL DIRECTOR; Michael Berresse [title of show] is a musical that was written by two guys named Jeff and Hunter about two guys named Jeff and Hunter writing a musical called [ttle of show] and periodically in that musical, the characters of Jeff and Hunter (originally played by the writers Jeff and Hunter) acknowledge that they are appearing in the finished show they have not yet written. Clearly, the “meta” aspect of the show adds a very specific layer of fun and curiosity to the story but don’t be fooled. At its heart, [title of show] is a classically structured book musical about very universal themes: friendship, creation, trust, risk and following your dream. ‘A major part of what makes those themes resonate is the writers” ability to capture and explore as they call it the beauty and humor and entertainment in how people really talk (or sing) to one another. While there are certainly moments intended to be broad, heightened commentary (“Original Musical” and the “Dream Sequence” to name two), in general, protecting that honest conversational quality is a vital part of the story’s integrity. That said, pace is your friend in this show, particularly in scenes that contain a great deal of exposition like the “Meet and Greet” and the section from the “[title of show] show” through “Awkward Photo Shoot”. The show loses a lot of its surprise and appeal if your audience gets ahead of you. ‘Two dramaturgical notes: ‘One of the most critical events chronicled in [title of show] is the real-life-imitates art shift in the characters’ self-perception. In addition to gaining legitimate industry recognition, many of the pipe dreams expressed by the characters start becoming realities along the way. Throughout the Off-Broadway montage, there should be a distinct tonal progression from happy-go-lucky unknowns to grown-up industry professionals who are starting to live their dream. By the time Susan says, “John Cameron Mitchell is here” for example, we should have aclear sense not only of her amazement but also of her investment. That shift in identity radically heightens the sense of loss when the opportunities come to a screeching halt which in turn allows for renewed momentum for the back third of the show. Secondly, a few words about Jeff and Hunter’s final phone call and “A Way Back To Then”: Though their friendship is cemented from the get-go, this exchange is the real coming-of-age for the guys” understanding of their creative partnership. It is also what catapults them (and us) back to remembering, the purity and joy of their (our) original dreams and passions. “A Way Back to Then” is not just a ‘beautiful ballad, it is the essential conduit through which that purity and joy moves from your characters to your audience. One of my favorite examples of Jeff Bowen’s subtie genius is the pronoun progression of this song from “I”, to “we”, to “you”. That generosity by lyricist and performer is what helps elevate “9 People’s Favorite Thing” to an anthem not of self-satisfaction but of acceptance, inclusion and joy. Lastly, true friendship, uncompromised creative expression and the courage to invest are the foundations on which this show was ultimately built. [title of show] not only helped us discover what we wanted to say as artists, it reminded us why We started down that road in the first place. We hope it offers you the same.ORIGINAL BROADWAY PRODUCTION [title of show] opened on Broadway at the Lyceum Theatre on July 17, 2008. Produced by Kevin McCollum, Jeffrey Seller, Roy Miller, Laura Camien, Kris Stewart and Vineyard Theatre; Associate Producer: Rachel Helson, Sara Katz, LAMS Entertainment, Jaimie Mayer, Heather Provost and Tom ‘Smedes; Book by Hunter Bell; Music by Jeff Bowen; Lyrics by Jeff Bowen; Musical Director: Larry Pressgrove; Music arranged by Larry Pressgrove; Scenic Design by Neil Patel; Costume Design by Chase ‘Tyler; Lighting Design by Ken Billington and Jason Kantrowitz; Sound Design by Acme Sound Partners; Associate Scenic Design: David Barber; Assistant Lighting Design: Craig Stelzenmuller; Associate ‘Sound Design: Nick Borisjuk; General Manager: The Charlotte Wilcox Company; Company Manager: Alexandra Gushin Agosta; Production Stage Manager: Martha Donaldson; Stage Manager: Tom Reynolds; Technical Supervisor: Brian Lynch; Piano: Lary Pressgrove; Dance Captain: Benjamin Howes; Casting: Telsey + Company; Press Representative: Sam Rudy Media Relations; Marketing: Scott ‘A. Moore; Advertising: SPOTCo, Inc.; Promotions: HHC Marketing; Originally presented at the 2004 New York Musical Theatre Festival, partially developed at The Eugene ONeill Theatre Center; Choreographed and Directed by Michael Berresse with the following cast (in order of appearance): Jeff Bowen . Hunter Bell Susan Blackwell Blickenstaff Howes (for Hunter, Jeff) Standbys: Courtney Balan (for Heidi, Susan), Benja[0-1 ACTI (Lights up to reveal JEFF and HUNTER, two struggling writers. They sing.) USIC 1: UNTITLED OPENING NUMBER JEFF A, D, D, D, D, F SHARP, A WILL BE THE FIRST NOTES OF OUR SHOW. HUNTER WE'LL START WITH THE SEED OF AN IDEA, HUNTER & JEFF ‘THEN PLANT IT ONTO PAPER WITH A DIXON TICONDEROGA. AND THEN WATCH IT SPROUT INTO A MUSICAL, AND THEN WE'LL HELP TO MAKE IT GROW... BIGGER. ‘NOTHING GUARANTEES IT WILL STAND OUT AND ITS FUTURE IS UNKNOWN. JEFF SO IN THE MEANTIME WE WILL SCHEDULE, ALOT OF MEETINGS IN HELL'S KITCHEN HUNTER TO COLLABORATE IN MY LIVING ROOM, JEFF & HUNTER BUT WE CAN'T DO IT ALL ALONE. (HEIDI and SUSAN enter and join song.) HEIDI & SUSAN So, : HUNTER & JEFF HEIDI & SUSAN WE'LL GET TOGETHER ALL OUR FRIENDS, AH, AH, AND EXPLOIT ALL OF THEIR TALENTS. AH, AH, WE'LL EXPLORE THE LATEST TRENDS AH, AH, AND AVOID THEM WHEN WE BALANCE, AH, AH. THE BOOK WITH THE SCORE, ‘SUSAN & HEIDI BOOK WITH THE SCORE, ALL THE SCORE WITH A LYRIC, APPEALING TO THE JUDGE,(THESE ARE SHAPES.) GENTLY NUDGING THE SATIRIC, HEIDI, SUSAN & JEFF AH. HUNTER HEIDI, SUSAN & JEFF WE'RE TRYING HARD NOT TO DUPLICATE OOH WHAT WE'VE SEEN AND HEARD BEFORE, OOH AND IF BARTOK’S HERE HE’LL APPRECIATE OOH IF WE'RE INVENTIVE WITH THE SCORE. OOH ALL SO WE'LL PUT IN A SYNCOPATION AND WE'LL ADD A QUARTER NOTE. AND WE'LL SOFTLY START THE CODA FROM A VERY TINY POINT. AND THEN WE'LL GET A LITTLE LOUDER TO FURTHER EMPHASIZE THE POINT, AND THEN WE'LL CROSS DOWNSTAGE TOWARD YOU. SUSAN & JEFF AND NOW WE'RE YELLING FORTISSIMO! HUNTER YELLING FORTISSIMO! HEIDI YELLING FORTISSIMO! ALL OH, IT’S THE OPENING SONG. IT DOESN'T HAVE A TITLE. NO, AND IT’S NOT VERY LONG, BUT IT’S THE STARTING POINT OF OUR MUSICAL. AND HERE'S THE FIRST SCENE OF OUR MUSICAL! (As the WOMEN exit, JEFF and HUNTER cross to opposite sides of the stage into two pools of light representing their apartments. JEFF's cell phone rings...) Scene 1: Phone Call 1 JEFF : (Answering his cell phone.) Hello? HUNTER So last night, a tranny stole my shrimp. JEFF What? What are you talking about?1-1-3 HUNTER 1 was eating outside in Chelsea at Seafood Mare or Mer, however you say it, and this drugged-out tranny staggers over and grabs the shrimp off my plate, JEFF Wow. HUNTER She was a zesty mess in a dirty dress. The manager gave me another plate, so it was fine. But, it kind of freaked me out. JEFF Well, trannies need their protein too. HUNTER ‘They do. They do. That’s just a little cautionary tale about eating outdoors in Chelsea, JEFF ‘Oh my god! Did you hear that Mary Stout got hit by a hot dog cart? HUNTER What? Is she okay? JEFF Yeah, I think so. HUNTER ‘Trannies stealing shrimp, Mary Stout hit by a hot dog cart...its all too much sometimes. JEFF Only in New York kids...only in New York. HUNTER What are you doing? JEFF Working on a website for a new client and listening to Henry, Sweet Henry. What are you doing? HUNTER ‘Ummm...half looking at internet porn and half watching “Doc Hollywood” on HBO On Demand. Did you see that email I forwarded you? JEFF Which one? HUNTER About that new musical theatre festival? JEFF ‘Yeah, I think we should submit something.HUNTER Submissions are due in three weeks, so that would give us what...three weeks? Do we have anything. ready to go? JEFF Ummm...n0, HUNTER Hmmm, JEFF I thought we could write something new. HUNTER In three weeks? JEFF Sure. They wrote Wonderful Town in a month. HUNTER Really? JEFF Yeah. HUNTER 1 don’t know...there’s a new season of “The Bachelor” starting up. JEFF ‘And I did just get the first season of “Wonder Woman” on DVD. HUNTER See, we're gonna be extremely busy this month, JEFF No, we should do it. HUNTER Ugh. JEFF Look, i'm gonna go to the park and do some bird watching. Let's both brainstorm and Pll come over later. HUNTER Okay. Bye, JEFF Bye.1-1-5 (JEFF drags his chair across the stage and places it next to HUNTER's chair.) HUNTER What are you doing? JEFF What do you mean? HUNTER You said “I’m gonna go to the park and do some bird watching” but then you just dragged your chair over here, Should we have some transition music, something to indicate time passage? JEFF Well, it’s too late now I'm over here, so let's just pretend time passed. Did you brainstorm? HUNTER If by brainstorm you mean masturbate and watch “Doc Hollywood,” then yes I brainstormed. JEFF Excellent, 7 HUNTER Mexillent! JEFF So...what are we writing? (A beat) HUNTER ‘You want to adapt something? Poem...short story? JEFF No. I think we can come up with something original. HUNTER But what? You and [ haven’t been writing at all. JEFF So let’s use this to get us off our asses. It'll be a writing exercise. Let's just make a pact that we'll write for three weeks, right up until the deadline, and no matter what we have, we'll put it in an envelope and submit it. HUNTER I don’t want to submit something half-baked and get rejected by the festival. JEFF I don’t think we should worry about whether or not we get into the festival.HUNTER (mitating INTO THE WOODS) “The festival?” JEFF “The festival?” JEFF & HUNTER “The King's Festival?” JEFF “And her father had taken for his new wife...” JEFF & HUNTER “The festival!” HUNTER But there are judges. People will be reading our stuff. I don’t want to look like a total jack-off. JEFF Well, look at it this way, anything we write will be better than Shogun, the Musical. HUNTER ‘Aw snap, I thought Shogun, the Musical was good. JEFF Actually, I never saw it, so that’s not fair. HUNTER I didn’t see it either, but I have opinions about stuff I've never seen al the time. In fact I have a whole riff on Ruthless: The Musical, and guess what? JEFF Never saw it? HUNTER Inever saw JEFF ‘My back hurts. HUNTER What if the first scene is just us talking about what to write? We could put this exact conversation in the show. JEFF Wait, so everything I say from now on could actually be in our show? HUNTER Yeah,1-1-7 JEFF Like this? HUNTER Like this. JEFF And this? HUNTER And this. JEFF (Pause.) This too? HUNTER This too. JEFF So I could say “Wonder Woman for President”, and that would get into our show? HUNTER Uh-huh, JEFF “Wonder Woman for President.” I'd watch a show that says that. HUNTER Me too. But do you think other people will wanna watch something like that? (After a beat, underscore vamp begins:) Soin WUE ene eiasan ns JEFF WHAT IF THIS DIALOGUE WERE SET TO MUSIC? WHAT IF WHAT WE'RE SAYING COULD BE SAID IN A SONG? HUNTER HEY, THAT'S NOT A BAD IDEA. PERHAPS WE COULD USE IT: MUSIC IN A MUSICAL. HOW CAN WE GO WRONG? JEFF & HUNTER WE COULD ASK SIGNIFICANT QUESTIONS. WE COULD GET IMPORTANT POINTS ACROSS LIKE: HUNTER “ARE WE WRITING FOR ART?”1-1-8 JEFF Yeah! AND “IS ART A SPRINGBOARD FOR FAME?” HUNTER AND “WILL FAME GET FOLKS TO TRUST US?" JEFF & HUNTER BUT WILL THEY TRUST US IF IT’S JUST US, ME AND YOU? TWO NOBODIES IN NEW YORK. HUNTER HEY, I THINK IT’S WORKING. WE’RE DISCOVERING CHOICES. LOTS OF THINGS TO THINK ABOUT WHEN WRITING A SHOW. JEFF YEAH! CREATING A VEHICLE TO SHOWCASE OUR VOICES AND I DON’T MEAN OUR VOCAL CHORDS; | MEAN WHAT’S BELOW. HUNTER Uh-huh, JEFF & HUNTER WE COULD ASK SIGNIFICANT QUESTIONS. WE COULD GET IMPORTANT POINTS ACROSS LIKE: HUNTER “ARE WE WRITING FOR ART?” JEFF AND “IS ART A SPRINGBOARD FOR FAME?” HUNTER AND “WILL FAME GET US A PAYCHECK?” JEFF & HUNTER BUT, WILL A PAYCHECK MEAN THAT WE'RE SELLOUTS? AND IF WE SELL OUT, WILL THEY YELL OUT “ME AND YOU?” TWO NOBODIES IN NEW YORK. HUNTER Key change! JEFF MAYBE SOMEDAY OUR SHOW WILL GET A THEATRE AND IF NOT THIS FESTIVAL THEN SOMEWHERE OUT WEST. HUNTER T.V. ACTORS IN OUR SHOW, WHAT COULD BE BETTER?WE COULD GET..... JEFF Sweeter. HUNTER What? JEFF ‘Sweeter. We've been over this a million times. You know the lyric is “sweeter.” HUNTER But, here’s the deal, one of them sounds like it’s two syllables and the other sounds like it’s three syllables, So it’s like: Sweeter...hee-a-ter. Does that rhyme? JEFF Yes. I'm sorry, Larry. From the key change... Five, six, seven, eight! MAYBE SOMEDAY OUR SHOW WILL GET A THEATRE AND IF NOT THIS FESTIVAL, THEN SOMEWHERE OUT WEST! HUNTER T.V. ACTORS IN OUR SHOW, WHAT COULD BE SWEE-A-TER? JEFF WE COULD GET THAT WOMAN WHO WAS ON “EMPTY NEST.” HUNTER Dinah Manoff?! She’s awesome! JEFF Yeah! HUNTER ‘She was in Grease. JEFF Yeaht HUNTER & JEFF And Leader of the Pack! WE COULD ASK SIGNIFICANT QUESTIONS. WE COULD GET IMPORTANT POINTS ACROSS LIKE: “ARE WE WRITING FOR ART?” AND “IS ART A SPRINGBOARD FOR FAME?” AND “WILL FAME GET US A SITCOM?” AND “WILL A SITCOM GET US ON ‘ELLEN?” AND “WILL ELLEN GET FOLKS TO LIKE US?” AND IF THEY LIKE US, WILL THEY MIC US, ME AND YOU? TWO NOBODIES IN NEW YORK! NOBODIES IN NEW YORK! 1-1-91-2-10 (Blackout ) ((n the scene transition, the following sound cue plays.) Answerin, hin 4 ANSWERING MACHINE (V.O.) ‘You have one new message. (Beep) (HUNTER) Hey Jefly it’s me I got your message about Heidi, and Susan is in as well, so that's good. Oh, by the way, I've been listening to the Brooklyn promo CD I got in the mail, and on the inside cover it has this quote that says...wait let me read it to you... “Unlike anything you have ever heard before” ...actually, it was like everything I’ve ever heard before. I wish they’d just be honest and put like, “Brooklyn: totally derivative, but we're singing the shit out of it!” Okay, see you in a bit. (Beep) ‘Scene 2: Meet Greet (HEIDI enters Hunter's apartment. HUNTER is at the door to greet her while SUSAN and JEFF await her arrival.) HUNTER Hi, Heidi? HEIDI Hi. HUNTER Heidi, I’m Hunter. (HUNTER shakes her hand.) HEIDI Nice to meet you. HUNTER Nice to meet you. SUSAN Hi I’m Susan, HEIDI Susan? Hi, nice to meet you. SUSAN Likewise.1-2-11 JEFF (To HEIDI) Hit HEIDI Jeffrey! (EFF and HEIDI embrace. Some time has passed since they have connected.) JEFF ‘What are you all cute for? HEIDI Oh, 1 just came from an audition. JEFF For what? HEIDI ‘Mamma Mia. _ 7 JEFF On the Broadway? ; HEIDI On the Broadway. JEFF What part? HEIDI I's a replacement understudy/ensemble/ofi-stage singer/dance captaiwvassistant stage manager track. JEFF How'd it go? HEIDI I didn’t get it. Wah-wah. JEFF Oh no. HEIDI Yeah... we sang...danced...read...sang again...they narrowed it down to three of us, and then they measured us. I didn’t fit the existing costume so another girl got the job. And, can I say that the girl who did get the job... gorgeous, stunning, but she sang a little something like thi (HEIDI sings awkwardly.) But she did fit that silver spandex jumpsuit so no job for me. And now I'm embarrassed, I just met you guys and I’m way too talky.1-2-12 HUNTER Please, you keep talking and this show will write itself, JEFF Heidi, you're gonna get another job in like five minutes. HEIDI You're sweet. Susan, you look nice. Did you have an audition today? SUSAN I'm not really auditioning at the moment, HEIDI No? ‘SUSAN No, because I’m actually starring in litle play called Corporate Whore, where | play the role of “Office Manager.” It’s a compelling drama, Heidi. And apparently, today’s show was in Smell-O-Vision. Damnit! I cleaned out a closet full of marketing materials this morning, and I smell like a combo platter of kitty litter box and hot dog water. HUNTER Heidi, welcome to Susan. ‘SUSAN Hi, Heidi, HEIDI So you've stopped auditioning? SUSAN Pretty much. HEIDI Do you perform at all anymore? SUSAN Ido stuff with these wieners, and stuff 1 write, but I sort of stepped off the showbiz ride, HEIDI Really? Why? SUSAN Fora lot of reasons: burn out...September 11", which was difficult. I'm a handsome lady, which makes me a tough sell, plus, I've got the paralyzing stage fright and the insecurities, HEIDI I think we've all got the insecurities. SUSAN Good times ain’t it?1-2-13, HEIDI Do you miss it? SUSAN Sure do ax a lot of questions, don’t she? I’m just kidding, Um... I've got nothing to complain about. I make good money; It’s not like I have to work in the salt mines. But enough about me...who's up for more Susan talk? I’m kidding. Heidi how do you know these nerds? HEIDI Jeffrey and I did a show together. JEFF We did that production of Tommy in Brazil together. ‘SUSAN Shut it! Y'all were in Brazil together. Tell me a wacky Brazilian anecdote. HEIDI ‘A wacky Brazilian anecdote...um...let’s see... SUSAN Did you get a Brazilian wax? HEIDI No, but that would be wacky. SUSAN That would be waxy, Heidi! That would be waxy. (Pokes HUNTER) Pay attention to me, HUNTER Okay, I'd ike to get started if you guys don’t mind, because I don’t want to keep everybody too long tonight. JEFF ‘Why? What's on TV? HUNTER Cake baking competition on the Food Network, (HUNTER begins to hand out copies of information on the festival.) This is stuff I downloaded about the festival. Larry, one for you too, (He hands one directly to LARRY sitting at the keyboard.) Heidi, did you meet Larry? HEIDI Hi, Larry. (LARRY waves from keyboard.)1-2-14 ‘SUSAN (Reading hand-out.) | see that John Cameron Mitchell is on the board of this festival thing, Do I get to meet him if I do your little show? JEFF Maypbe. HUNTER Also did you see where Michael Crawford and Jim Dale are on the advisory board? (HUNTER indicates the names to JEFF as they appear on the hand out.) How cool is that? You've got your Broadway and your West End “Bamums”, “Bamums”! (HUNTER does an elaborate perhaps flamboyant move/homage to Barnum.) HEIDI Is it me or did it just get like three degrees gayer in here? HUNTER Awww. (HUNTER and HEIDI connect “good-naturedly”) Now, (Indicating SUSAN.) I've talked to you. Heidi has Jeff explained to you what we're trying to do? HEIDI He has. So...as of now, there’s no script? JEFF Not yet. HEIDI And it would be a musical? JEFF Yeah, ‘SUSAN 1 just want to jump in here and say that I support an experimental piece and you guys completely, but I have me doots about doing a musical. { get nervous about singing, finding my part, harmonies, me singing songs and songs that are sung by me in general. JEFF Don’t worry, we'll replace you when we get to Broadway. ‘SUSAN Fair enough. (Beat)12-15 JEFF Farrah Nuff; that’s a good drag queen name... SUSAN Haha, I like that. Text it to me. HEIDI What? (HUNTER pulls out his cell phone to send SUSAN a text message with the drag name.) ‘SUSAN When we come up with a good drag queen name we text it to each other. I'm gonna order a turkey burger. You guys want anything? (SUSAN pulls out her cell phone to order.) ALL I'm fine. Nah. I'm good., (ete,) SUSAN (Mhile calling in order on cell phone.) Yes, PII hold... HUNTER (Looking at his cell phone HUNTER reads off saved list of drag queen names.) Heidi, here are some oldies but goodies, “Sara Sota.”...“Minnie Van Rental”... JEFF Heidi, do you play any instruments? HEIDI No, why? HUNTER 1 like this one: “Dorothy Chandler Pavillion.” ‘SUSAN Iplay an instrument, JEFF No you don’t. SUSAN can play the skin flute brother..alh, no I didn’t! Yes I did... (The diner guy on the phone takes her off hold.) uh, yes hello, Order for delivery... turkey burger deluxe, fries crispy, and a diet Sprite, Oh, and a pickle. Address?1-2-16 HUNTER (HUNTER continues reading saved names.) “Lady Footlocker”... SUSAN Address... HUNTER ..My address? It’s 3... SUSAN (Interrupting.) It’s 123 America Street...and the phone is 555-5555. The area code is also 555. Thank you. (She hangs up) I said that because if this gets into your litte play, I shouldn't say your address in front of an audience, JEFF ‘Then how will you get your turkey burger? ‘SUSAN It'll get here, Jeff. It Il get here. HUNTER Allright, All right. So the festival runs in September... JEFF ..and if we get chosen, we would run six performances... HUNTER and then we'd transfer immediately to the intimate Radio City Music Hall. ‘SUSAN I'm worried about it being so close to my wedding dates. HEIDI You're getting married? ‘SUSAN Tam in November, and these g’nerds are my beautiful, beautiful maids of honors. HUNTER Ok, we'll have plenty of time to worry about scheduling, dates, all that stuff, Right now I think we need to get out of this scene because it feels long. (Blackout) nswering Mac! e2 ANSWERING MACHINE (V.0.) You have one new message.[-2-17 (Beep) (HUNTER) Hoy, Jefty it’s me. You might be sleepin’. I'm done catering and heading home. Hey guess who dropped a tray filled with entrees tonight? Did you guess me? ‘Cause if you did...you guessed right. Can we please get rich and successful soon? Me no likey catering. Call me later. Bye. (Beep,) (Underscore begins. Lights up on JEFF and HUNTER. JEFF plays himself, while HUNTER plays “Blank Paper") aon ire BLANK PAPER/HUNTER Hey little guy, why so blue? JEFF Well Blank Paper, I'm trying to write an original musical in two and a half weeks and I’m a little stuck. BLANK PAPER/HUNTER Well motherfucker, why don’t I give you a crash course on how to go rom this (He indicates the front side of his sandwich board, a blank page of notebook paper.) to this! (He flips to his back side revealing the words “An Original Musical by Jeff”) JEFF (Wide-eyed,) Wow! An original musical! BLANK PAPER/HUNTER That's right cracker! Now there aren’t many of us around and it's a long journey, so let’s get started. JEFF Did you just call me a cracker? Is this character black? BLANK PAPER/HUNTER Motherfucker, I can be anything you want me to be. That’s the point! I'M AN ORIGINAL MUSICAL, ORIGINAL MUSICAL. THOSE OTHER SHOWS CAN STEP TO THE REAR. IF YOU LEND ME YOUR EAR T'M GONNA EASE ALL YOUR FEAR AND PROVE THAT ALL YOU NEED IS WHAT'S RIGHT UP HERE. (BLANK PAPER/HUNTER dances.) Chi-con, chi-con, bump, bump, bump.1-2-18 JEFF ‘Okay, now I can't decide if you're trying to be “Mazeppa” or Randy Newman. BLANK PAPER/HUNTER Yes! You see a lot of times musicals are based on plays like Spring Awakening, Vanities or Picnic, which became Hot September, Other times they're based on books, like Shrek, The Little Mermaid, and Mary Poppins, But more recently, musicals have been based on movies, like Shrek, The Little Mermaid, and Mary Poppins, Hairspray, Billy Elliot, A Catered Affair, The Lion King, Legally Blonde, 9 to 5, Spamalot, Young Frankenstein, Catch Me If You Can,... JEFF Wow, really? Movies make good musicals? BLANK PAPER/HUNTER Well, they make musicals. JEFF P'm trying to write a musical about two guys writing a musical about two guys writing a musical. BLANK PAPER/HUNTER That sounds like some crazy shit bitch! But it’s original and I ike that. Sing with me! (They two sing and dance together.) JEFF Okay, will! BOTH I’M AN ORIGINAL MUSICAL, ORIGINAL MUSICAL JEFF LIKE KWAMINA HUNTER AND STARLIGHT EXPRESS, JEFF MY SHOW WILL BE A SUCCESS BLANK PAPER/HUNTER AND NOT A BIG MESS LIKE CHESS. JEFF AND I'LL MAKE BROADWAY MY ETERNAL ADDRESS. BLANK PAPER/HUNTER ‘Whoa, whoa! Easy motherfucker! Broadway? Let’s start with off or off-off Broadway.1-2-19 JEFF But why can’t | dream big? BLANK PAPER/HUNTER Well if it was a jukebox musical, a revival or a recognizable commodity, I'd say dream away bi-atch. But, original on Broadway? Baby, that ain’t gonna happen...unless... JEFF Unless what? BLANK PAPER/HUNTER Unless you've got some stars in mind, JEFF Well, we'd love to have Alice Ripley. She’s fierce. Hey, that’s the first time I've ever said fierce! That's the second! BLANK PAPER/HUNTER Playa, I mean TV stars, movie stars, pop stars...like Toni Braxton or Ashlee Simpson. JEFF BUT | BELIEVE WHEN IT COMES TO MAKIN’ A HIT BROADWAY SHOW, A GOOD PRODUCT WITH TALENTED PEOPLE IS THE WAY TO GO! BLANK PAPER/HUNTER PEOPLE DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT TALENT. THEY WANT A NAME! ‘AN AUDIENCE WANTS TO SEE PARIS HILTON AS “MAME!” JEFF Who wants to see Paris Hilton as “Mame?” BLANK PAPER/HUNTER I don't know. A lot of people. Shit! Let me get this straight you want to do a completely original musical? JEFF Yes. BLANK PAPER/HUNTER. With an unknown cast. JEFF That's right. BLANK PAPER/HUNTER On Broadway. JEFF On Broadway. BLANK PAPER/HUNTER Ok little dreamer. I can dig it. But let's talk size baby. ..’cause if you’re on Broadway it’s got to be big! Legay girls! Sexy male dancers! Ingénues! Soubrettes! What you thinking? Cast of 20? 30?1-2-20 JEFF Um, maybe like four or five BLANK PAPER/HUNTER (Losing it,) Four or five? What? You? (Calming down.) Okay, okay et it. / Love My Wife... Romance/Romance...now just add that big lush orchestra and you got somethin’. JEFF Maybe....or maybe just a keyboard. BLANK PAPER/HUNTER WHAT! Well you gonna have a turntable? A friggin’ electric blimp? Something? JEFF No. BLANK PAPER/HUNTER Oh my god! Your ass is crazy motherfucker, but like you. You may just be crazy enough to fuckin’ fuckity fuck succeed motherfucker... JEFF (Interrupting) ‘What's with all the foul language? Is that appropriate or even necessary? BLANK PAPER/HUNTER Well, if you don’t like it make me say something else. Iam Blank Paper! Your Blank Paper! [’ll say whatever you want me to. Just put your pen to the paper and write! JEFF Twill, I will! 111 write! BLANK PAPER/HUNTER Now we're talking! (The two join forces and take the number home!) BOTH WRITE THAT ORIGINAL MUSICAL. ORIGINAL MUSICAL. ORIGINAL IN EVERY WAY. JEFF IT WON'T BE BASED ON A PLAY OR A MOVIE. BLANK PAPER/HUNTER IPRAY THAT JESUS CHRIST WILL HELP YOU GET TO BROADWAY. AND YOU CAN THANK HIM IN YOUR BIO SOME DAY. SO, LITTLE GUY, SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR NAIVETE.123-21 JEFF AND I WILL PERSEVERE THROUGH MY FEAR AND I'LL TRAVERSE THROUGH THE FRAY! BOTH AND I/YOU WILL WRITE MY/YOUR WAY RIGHT STRAIGHT TO THE GREAT WHITE WAY! BLANK PAPER/HUNTER Oh, yeah! (Blackout) Answering Machine Message 3 ANSWERING MACHINE (V.0.) ‘You have one new message. Beep) (HEIDI) Hey, it’s Heidi. I got your e-mail and I'm pretty open to meet this week. Just have a few auditions and Pm recording a demo, but other than that... (HEIDI burps and gets tickled at herself) ‘Oh my god, I’m so sorry. I just had a diet coke and that snuck up on me. Okay, call me and I look forward to you playing this message for me later. Bye. (Beep,) s Procrastibating (Lights up on JEFF and HUNTER on their phones in their apartments. JEFF rummages through a box of old Playbills,) (*Note: There is no phone ring into this scene. HUNTER picks directly up when lights come up and we are into the scene.) HUNTER Hello? JEFF I just got off the phone with my mom and she won a flat screen TV at bingo. HUNTER ‘Your mom will win some shit at Bingo. JEFF P'm gonna see if she'll bring it up here. HUNTER How bigis it?1-3-22 JEFF That's what my date said. HUNTER Word. JEFF Word. It’s like 42 inches. HUNTER ‘That's what my date said, What are you doing? JEFF I'm going through my collection of Playbills from flop Broadway shows looking at song-lists for a little musical inspiration, Let me tell ya, there are some gems here. The Golden Apple, Merrily We Roll Along, Got Tu Go Disco. C'mon! How's your writing coming? HUNTER I'm actually trying to decide how to kill myself, because my piece of shit Commodore 64-ass computer crashed. I lost the last two hours of work! JEFF Hunter. HUNTER Yep. JEFF Apple “S”! You're supposed to save that shit, HUNTER I know! I thought it was auto-saving, Ugh, I want a new computer, it’s like I'm trying to write this on an Atari JEFF How much did you lose? HUNTER It saved up until my line, “It saved up until my line”... (Exasperated,) I don’t know what we're doing, Jeff. JEFF Just start. That’s all you have to worry about...starting. Get away from your computer, grab a note pad and a pencil, and just go write. Anything you want. Just play. Doodle, Whatever. Okay? HUNTER Okay. JEFF Anything you want.13-23 HUNTER Okay. JEFF Good. I’m going back to my Playbills. You go write and don't jack off or watch TV. HUNTER Are you calling me a “procrastibator”? (EFF hangs up. Lights out on JEFF.) Hello... hello? (A beat.) OK, just write anything. Anything. Ugh! I don’t know what to write! (SUSAN appears representing thoughts in HUNTER's head.) TERM eee nee) SUSAN You can do this Hunter-unter-unter, Stop forcing ideas...cas...cas. That shit is no fun...un.,.un... (Lights up on JEFF as HEIDI appears as thoughts in his head) HEIDI Jeffic.,.effie..effie... use those Playbills in front of you...ont of you...ont of you... ‘SUSAN (SUSAN hands HUNTER a notepad and a pencil.) Use what’s inside of you... ide-of-you...ide-of-you... HEIDI ‘THERE'S THE GOLDEN APPLE AND GOLDEN RAINBOW, GOLDEN BOY AND GOLDILOCKS. SUSAN Writing should feel easy, like a monkey driving a speed boat...ced boat...ced boat. HEIDI BEG, BORROW OR STEAL, BUCK WHITE, BIG DEAL AND BRING BACK BIRDIE AND BAGELS AND YOX. SUSAN Close your eyes. Breathe. Ladle into that barrel of monkeys you call ahead, and scoop out an image monkey. HEIDI THERE'S HURRY, HARRY, HAPPY AS LARRY, MARILYN AND VERY WARM FOR MAY.123-24 ‘SUSAN HEIDI Now let that image monkey drive a speedboat. MAY, MAY MAY.. And you... you water ski behind it! HEIDI OH, BROTHER, OH, BOY, OH, CAPTAIN, OH, LOOK, OH, PLEASE, OH, COWARD, OH, MY DEAR, OH, KAY! ‘SUSAN Stay behind the image and write down what you see on your monkey ski-trip. Ready? Go! ALL OKAY, OKAY, OKAY OKAY, OKAY, OKAY OKAY, OKAY... \ (HUNTER and JEFF begin to write and create with the women guiding them.) HUNTER & SUSAN SEE THE MONKEY JEFF & HEIDI SAIL AWAY HUNTER & SUSAN ON HIS SPEEDBOAT. Irs JEFF & HEIDI ‘SIMPLY HEAVENLY HUNTER & SUSAN TO JEFF & HEIDI RIDE THE WINDS. HUNTER & SUSAN HE DRIVES BY A JEFF & HEIDI STEEL PIER HUNTER & SUSAN IN JEFF & HEIDI PORTOFINOHUNTER & SUSAN TOBE JEFF & HEIDI THE FIRST HUNTER & SUSAN TOHEAR A JEFF & HEIDI BAND IN BERLIN. HUNTER & SUSAN HE STOPS BY A JEFF & HEIDI CARNIVAL IN FLANDERS HUNTER & SUSAN AND MEETS A LADY-MONKEY NAMED JEFF & HEIDI CARRIE. HUNTER & SUSAN AND, THROUGH THE, JEFF & HEIDI MOTHER EARTH HUNTER AND SUSAN THEY MEANDER ANDINA. JEFF & HEIDI HOUSE OF FLOWERS HUNTER & SUSAN THEY MARRY. JEFF & HEIDI SOON HUNTER & SUSAN SOON AFTER THEY’RE JEFF & HEIDI WORKING HUNTER & SUSAN ON THEIR LOVE 13-251-3-26 AND AT ALL DIFFERENT TIMES IT WAS WILD AND WONDERFUL. SUSAN THEN ONE DAY THE LADY-MONKEY SAID TO HIM, ALL DUDE, | GOT TU GO DISCO. IFEEL A CHANGE IN THE HEIR. 1 WANT SOMETHING MORE. IT'S SO NICE TO BE CIVILIZED. AND, LL MISS THE STARS IN YOUR EYES AND YOUR SMILE. BUT [’VE GOT TO HIT THE TRAIL, JEFF & HEIDI COME SUMMER HUNTER & SUSAN HE WENT BACK TO HIS SPEED BOAT AND WATCHED. JEFF & HEIDI CENSORED SCENES FROM KING KONG. HUNTER & SUSAN HE FOUND HIS JEFF & HEIDI SHELTER HUNTER & SUSAN ON THE SPEED BOAT AND HE THOUGHT, ALL “HERE'S WHERE I BELONG; JUST ME AND MY SPEEDBOAT... MERRILY WE ROLL ALONG!” ALONG! ALONG! MONKEYS AND PLAYBILLS AND PLAYBILLS AND MONKEYS AND MONKEYS AND PLAYBILLS AND MONKEYS AND PLAYBILLS AND MONKEYS AND PLAYBILLS AND MONKEYS! PLAYBILLS! MONKEYS AND PLAYBILLS!124-27 (The number does not button and HUNTER drives forward,” in the zone,” writing like mad.) ene 4: Post Monkeys HUNTER ..and monkeys and Playbills...and monkeys and Playbills. (He reads from his pad.) “See the monkey sail away on his speedboat,” What? This shit is crazy, but I like it, What do you guys think? HEIDI I'm sorry are we in this scene now? HUNTER What? 7 SUSAN I thought we were like your spirit guides or something, HUNTER Oh. Let's just say we're all here now. ALL Yay! We're here now! (efc,) (They shift the scene and put away props from previous number, driving forward) HUNTER Jeff, you were right. [just have to start writing and then keep writing, And... and even if an idea seems nuts, We just have to keep reminding ourselves nothing we write is a waste of time. We've got to let the paint dry, . HEIDI like that. Let the paint dry. ‘SUSAN Paint dry! Paint dry! ALL aint dry! Paint dry! HUNTER I don’t know. 1 fee! like we're breaking new ground and who knows, if we keep it up, maybe one day we could win a Tony Award. ALL No way! Stop it! HUNTER No, I’m serious, you guys. We could win a Tony Award!1-5-28 (SUSAN and HEIDI freeze. Lights shift) PRS LGN) WHAT IF THIS SHOW WON A TONY? WHAT IF THIS SHOW WON A TONY AWARD? PAPA, WOULD THAT CHANGE THE WAY YOU SAW YOUR LITTLE BOY? NOW HE’S A MAN AND HE NEEDS YOU... (EFF stops HUNTER) JEFF Stop, Stop! Hunter, what are you doing? (HUNTER starts again,) HUNTER FOR IF THAD A SHINY, SHINY TONY AWARD... JEFF Hunter, stop! (Music stops) Larry, don’t encourage him, We're not singing that song. HUNTER But that I like that song. JEFF like that song too, but we agreed that it was just such obvious pandering, HUNTER All right, we'll eut it JEFF Do you have your hand in your butt? (HUNTER pulls his hand out of the back of his pants.) HUNTER What? No. SUSAN ‘Can we break out of this freeze? HUNTER (Oh yeah. I forgot. Hey, can you bring those props out with you?125-29 JEFF Take those props. (The women strike props while HUNTER and JEFF continue with the scene.) - HUNTER What? JEFF You said, “bring those props out.” Bring involves movement of an object towards you while take involves any movement not towards you. Just remember that you have your waiter bring you your food, but he takes away your empty plate. HUNTER Oh, that’s easy enough. (HUNTER gives JEFF the “upside down finger.” By the way can you hear this or do you want me to bring it up to you? JEFF ‘Thats nice. HUNTER Anyway, don’t you ever sit on the terlet fantasizing about winning awards? JEFF No. HUNTER Not even an OBIE? JEFF Would you stop? HUNTER Stop what? Daydreaming? Why? So I can think about how lame my real life is? I'm sorry, but I daydream all the time about being on Broadway, doing the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, I wanna meet Roma Torre, I am so sick of temping or catering. I mean can you imagine if we got to make our living just writing? Actually making money doing what we love? You know the other day I went to the ATM, Machine and I forgot my... JEFF That's redundant, HUNTER What? JEFF The ‘M? already stands for “machine.” It’s like you're saying “Automated Teller Machine Machine.”1-5-30 HUNTER Well, anyway I went to the ATM and I forgot my pin number and the. JEFF ‘That's redundant too, Personal Identification Number Number. HUNTER Okay, so anyway | forgot my PIN,..totally forgot it, and 1 was gonna say the irony is, it didn’t matter “cause there was no money in my account anyway. JEFF ‘That's not really ironic, that just sucks. {t would be ironic if... HUNTER ‘he point is, I'm ass-broke, | don’t have dental insurance. Look at this Oh my god, I'm gonna kill you! old British tooth JEFF All right, allright, HUNTER I'm serious, Jeff. | wanna do this. I know I’m a writer. { know you're a composer. I want the rest of the ‘world to know it too. I just want us to figure out how to be a part ofall that, Werke APART OF STEADYING A LIFE THAT SEEMS UNSTABLE WITH A PAYCHECK IN MY POCKET TO HELP ME PAY THE RENT. APART OF BEING FINE WITH SPLURGING ON THE CABLE AND NO MORE PHONE CALLS TO UNEMPLOYMENT. JEFF APART OF DUCKING OUT BEFORE THE SHOW'S FINALE TO GET TO THE OPENING NIGHT AT TAVERN ON THE GREEN. APART OF MY SHEET MUSIC ON SALE IN SHUBERT ALLEY AND A TRENDY PHOTO SHOOT FOR A HOMO MAGAZINE. BOTH ALL OUR GAY SKILLS FILLING PLAYBILLS. WE'LL BE PART OF IT ALL. HUNTER . APART OF A PRICEY MEAL AT SOMEPLACE CHIC IN MIDTOWN JEFF WITH A VIEW OF OUR BILLBOARD HANGING HIGH ABOVE TIMES SQUARE. ‘APART OF A HOUSE UPSTATE TO SPEND THE WEEK WINDING DOWN, WHILE OUR MUSICALS ARE PLAYING FROM BOSTON TO BEL-AIR,1-5-31 BOTH IF WE NEED A QUICK VIP TICKET TO WICKED, WE'LL GET IT ‘CAUSE WE'RE POPULAR AND PART OF IT ALL. PART OF IT ALL, PART OF IT ALL. PART OF IT ALL, PART OF IT ALL. ‘THERE'LL COME A DAY WHEN WE LOOK BACK AT THE TIME WE SPENT WRITING THIS VERY SHOW, OUR ATTEMPT TO STAY ABOVE THE DERIVATIVE TRICKS AND THE CRITICAL UNDERTOW. OUR SHOW, THOUGH SMALL, WILL HAVE BEEN PART OF IT ALL. HUNTER PART OF FANS TO CAPTIVATE! PART OF THE PRESS TO NAVIGATE! JEFF PART OF LUNCH WITH BERNADETTE! PART OF A COAT OF MARMOSET! BOTH PART OF A NIGHT TO STARE AT YOUR SUPER-AWESOME SARDI’S CARIC’TURE! PART OF THE ROAR IN MGM! PART OF A STAR IN BETHLEHEM! AND IF WE GET TO BROADWAY, WE’LL FIND A PLACE IN THE HIST’RY BOOKS OF BROADWAY AND LEAVE BEHIND THE TWO NOBODIES NO ONE KNEW, WHEN ME AND YOU BECOME PART OF IT ALL, PART OF IT ALL, PART OF IT ALL! Shields and Yamell! (They mime.) JEFF A PART OF DREADING THE DAY THEY POST THE CLOSING NOTICE. HUNTER A PART OF WANTING TO THROW THE TOWEL IN NOW AND THEN. BOTH ‘A PART OF KNOWING THAT THE WAY WE'LL STAY AFLOAT IS TO RISE BACK UP AND JUST START OVER AGAIN. WE'LL BE PART OF IT ALL! Blackout.) Answer Machine 41-59-32 ANSWERING MACHINE (V.O,) You have one new message. (Beep) (SUSAN) Hello...t’s me corporate whore Susan calling. Are you screening me? Am I getting’ the ole screen? The sereened in front porch? Are you sitting on the screened in front porch in an old timey rocking chair drinking an Arnold Palmer screening my call? At any rate, Ihad to pull up the old carpet in the conference room today because the new carpet was getting laid. | was not getting laid...he carpet was. Picture me in an Ann Taylor Loft pantsuit and mules on all fours pulling up smelly ass carpet. Realness. Okay, let me know what time you want to meet for eats and talks. I like you. Bye. (Beep) (Lights up on JEFF and HEIDI rehearsing by the piano.) MUSIC 7: | AM PLAYING ME HEIDI I'M STANDING HERE JUST LEFT OF CENTER. AND SOMETHIN’ AIN’T CLEAR: WHEN DID I SIGN ON THE LINE OF THIS DECREE? eff corrects HEIDL) JEFF “CREE. HEIDI ‘CREE. Sorry. STUCK IN A SHOW WHERE | AM PLAYING ME, That’s funny. JEFF Keep going. HEIDI I'M TRAPPED IN A HOLE. ‘NOWHERE TO GO WITH MY ROLE. STRAININ’ MY NECK FOR AN EXIT THAT SETS ME FREE, ~ JEFF FREE. HEIDI FREE. ‘STUCK IN A SHOW WHERE 1 AM PLAYING ME.1-6-33 (Lights down on JEFF and HEIDI. Lights up on SUSAN and HUNTER sitting together.) ‘SUSAN How's the writing? HUNTER It’s going. Jeff's been working a lot with Heidi trying to write a song to showcase her voice. SUSAN Is this show gonna become too much of a fancy musical for me to be in? HUNTER 1 don’t know...mmaybe. Actually, I’m starting to think our play is a little “donuts for dinner.” SUSAN Is that a show? HUNTER No, donuts for dinner, you know? It sounds like a good idea but thirty minutes later, you're hungry for something a little meatier. ‘SUSAN A little meteor like a tiny asteroid’? HUNTER Exactly. No, I mean I don’t want this to be just sketches and novelty songs linked together. I want there to be substance, not just fluff...not that there's anything wrong with fluff, but I want to strive for something that makes people really pay attention. You know what I mean? ‘SUSAN | totally stopped listening. (Lights down on SUSAN and HUNTER. Lights up on JEFF and HEIDI) HEIDI NOT A CHANCE FOR MY CAREER TO ADVANCE AND THERE’S NO STRAIGHT GUYS HERE FOR ME TO ROMANCE. 1GUESS ILL SWALLOW MY PRIDE AND MAKE THE BEST OF THE REST OF THIS SPREE! JEFF SPREE! HEIDI THAT IS THE NOTE I’M SINGING, JEFF. STUCK IN A SHOW WHERE I AM PLAYING ME!1-6-34 JEFF ‘Thanks, Heidi. We may actually use that one. HEIDI W's cute, Like it. JEFF Okay, I’ve got to eat something, I’m getting hangry. HEIDI Hangry? JEFF Hungry and angry. Larry you want anything? Larry? (LARRY does not respond.) Is okey, Larry. We've worked it out with the union, so you can talk. LARRY Really? JEFF Yeah. LARRY What was the question? JEFF If you want me to get you something to eat. LARRY No, I'm good. | ate earlier. JEFF Okay. (Lights down on JEFF and HEIDI. Lights up on SUSAN and HUNTER) HUNTER Hey, want part of my Hot Pocket? (HUNTER can either eat a Hot Pocket or simply mime this.) When you want a great meal with out a big deal, what’re ya gonna gel? SUSAN Copyright Infringement. What are you doing? HUNTER | was thinking we could do some product placement in the show. They do it in movies, why not in musicals?1-6 -35 SUSAN Wow. Really? HUNTER Or we could go full-titt NASCAR and just put sponsor patches all over our costumes. Budweiser...STP.. SUSAN (SUSAN mimes affixing a patch to the length of Hunter's penis) ...Hostess, (Lights down on SUSAN and HUNTER. Lights up on JEFF and HEIDI. JEFF is eating a turkey burger in a take-out container.) HEIDI ‘Where'd you get that? JEFF It’s the turkey burger Susan ordered earlier. Shh, Don’t tell her. SUSAN (in the dark) can hear you, Jeff. JEFF (To Heidi) Hey thanks by the way. HEIDI For what? JEFF For jumping on the ride and just being game forall this. | know you’re used to the Great White Way. HEIDI Jeff, I've done two Broadway shows. JEFF Well, that’s two more than any of us. (Lights down on JEFF and HBIDI. Lights up on SUSAN and HUNTER) SUSAN Wanna know a secret? HUNTER Yep. SUSAN love working on this with you guys.HUNTER like it too. SUSAN So, I've hired an assassin to kill y'all for making it harder to go to my day job, (Lights down on SUSAN and HUNTER. Lights up on JEFF and HEIDL) HEIDI ‘Anyway, I’m loving this! You're writing songs for me. You know I’ve been in this business since I was seven and this is the first new role I've ever created? JEFF Really? HEIDI Yep. I mean I've been so lucky. I’ve been able to support myself as an actress, which is pretty rare. I've bowed on a Broadway stage... and there is nothing like that feeling. But, being in some giant ensemble or being an understudy I never felt like I got to show all of me, For once, I don’t have to fit the mold, I am the mold, Not the smelly mold. You know, the mold. (Lights back up on SUSAN and HUNTER) SUSAN Hey, do you think Heidi's funny? HUNTER What? HEIDI Jeff, this is a little out of the blue but whaddya think Susan thinks of me? SUSAN T'm serious, JEFF ‘What do you mean? HUNTER She's very funny. HEIDI 1 just wonder what she thinks sometimes. SUSAN Funnier than me? HUNTER Different funny.1-6-37 (Bossa Nova begins.) ERS aes SUSAN don’t know. HEIDI Idon’t know. HEIDI & SUSAN I was just wondering. .. WHO THE HELL Is... ‘SUSAN HEIDI? HEIDI -SUSAN? BOTH WHAT KIND OF GIRL IS SHE? 1 WONDER SOMETIMES IF SHE. HEIDI EVEN LIKES ME. SUSAN --EVEN LIKES ME, HEIDI ‘SHE SEEMS TO MAKE YOU SMILE. SUSAN SHE’S GOT A PRETTY TV NOSE. HEIDI SHE’S GOT A KICK-ASS STYLE. SUSAN AND SHE'S GOT VERY KICKY CLOTHES. HEIDI AND SHE OWNS HER APARTMENT TOO. SUSAN «+. SUPPOSE.1-6-38 HEIDI AND MINE BLOWS, (They sigh) (QUEL GENRE DE FILLE EST SUSAN? SUSAN ...EST HEIDI? BOTH SHE SEEMS SO “JE NE SAIS QUOI.” HEIDI SHE SEEMS SO INCROYABLE. SUSAN AND I FEEL SO BOURGEOIS. "BOTH THAT’S JUST MOI. IT's JUST... HEIDI She's so downtown and funky and sassy. SUSAN She's so uptown and fancy and Broadway. HEIDI I'M USED TO BEIN’ THE FUNNIEST GIRL IN THE ROOM THAT'S WHAT EV’RY SHOWMO SAYS. SUSAN AT LEAST MY NOSE COULD TAKE HER NOSE. INA CAGE MATCH OF NOSES... HEIDI Jeff, it’s hard to share the lady spotlight. SUSAN I didn’t sign the permission slip for any new girly-ftiends, Hunter. HEIDI SHE’S GOT THOSE EYES. SUSAN SHE’S GOT THEM BOOBS. HEIDI I'VE GOT THESE THIGHS!1-7-39 ‘SUSAN I need your shoe! BOTH PLUS! SHE MIGHT TRY TO STEAL MY HUSBAND. SHE MIGHT TRY TO HAVE MY BABY. IGUESS I'LL JUST SIT BACK AND WAIT AND SEE: WHAT KIND OF GIRL IS SHE? WHAT KIND OF GIRL IS SHE? SUSAN WHAT KIND OF GIRL IS SHE? HEIDI ARE YOU GONNA EAT THAT PICKLE? ‘Scene 7: Dream Sequence (The lights shift and we are in a nonsensical “dream world.” The actors move through the space in wacky dream ways: swimming, chicken walk, etc.) DES ee Bla SAL CRAs aes SUSAN | 7 (With a British accent.) Where are we, guvna? HUNTER (With a British accent.) ‘We must be dreaming my lord! JEFF (Sans accent.) Why do you have a British accent? HUNTER I thought we could all be British in the dream. British or Cockney, it’s your choice. Cue the fog! (Fog Horn blows off stage.) JEFF Fog? We don’t have a fog machine, HUNTER Well, you'll still need this lantern. (HUNTER mimes holding a lantern.)1-7-40 JEFF I'm not holding a mime lantern. HUNTER Suit yourself, but who knows what lurks in this dream? (Horse-drawn carriage SFX) HEIDI God bless us every one! JEFF What? ‘SUSAN Excellent. A fake-fogay dream sequence. HUNTER ‘Sequins? 1 wish we were wearing sequins! JEFF Hold on. Now are we all dreaming at.. HUNTER British, Master Jeffrey! JEFF (Half-committing to his British accent.) Are we all dreaming the same thing at the same time, or is one of us dreaming and the others are in our dream? HUNTER (Dropping the British accent) All right, all right, you can drop the accent. But, can we at least enjoy the dream? HEIDI Hey! can fly! (HEIDI starts “flying” as we hear whooshing air SFX.) HUNTER Me too! SUSAN This rocks! (They pretend to “fly”. JEFF reluctantly joins.) HUNTER Where should we fly to?1-7-41 JEFF We could fly around that preposition at the end of your sentence, : SUSAN Why are you correcting grammar? We're flying! JEFF Just because we're flying doesn’t mean we... SUSAN (Ghushing JEFF.) Bpppp! Bppppp! Bpppp' HEIDI Hey! We're over New York City! (New York traffic/street sounds SFX.) ‘SUSAN Look it’s the cast of “Project Runway”! And there's Tim Gunn! HUNTER Itis! It’s Tim Gunn! HEIDI And Heidi Klum! ALL (EXCEPT JEFF) (They impersonate Heidi Klum.) You're eizah in or you're out. Auf wiedersehen! HEIDI Look there’s Times Square! HUNTER How cool must it be for tourists to come to Times Square and see things they could never see back home?! SUSAN There’s Red Lobster! HEIDI Look at all the Broadway theaters! HUNTER ‘There’s the Naked Cowboy! And there’s Mamie Duncan Gibbs! (He shouts.) “Hello Mamie!” JEFF ‘There's Mamie Duncan Gibbs?127-42 HUNTER Ub-huh, Keep Flying! JEFF This is ridiculous. HUNTER But is a dream, and in a dream anything is possible...oh fuck it. (He drops “flying” thing and the lights change. We are abruptly back in the room.) Does this whole flying-dream-thing suck? ‘SUSAN Let me ask you? What's the reason? HUNTER We needed a transition scene, and I didn’t know what to do, so-1 made us fly. My writing is like a drag queen, fabulous late at night, but in the daytime, not so much, JEFF ' you just need to give yourself a funny line there? HUNTER A litte bit, Plus, I'm trying to put in some pop culture stuff. A lot of our references are so obscure, We're talking about Henry, Sweet Henry and Bagels and Lox. People are gonna be like “what the hell?” JEFF The show is called Bagels and Yox not Lox. HUNTER My point exactly. Ugh, I’m questioning everything! JEFF Please, I threw out an entire ballad this morning ‘cause I was afraid people would be like “Ooh, look at him he's writing a serious song. ..he’s so serious.” HUNTER I've got these voices in my head saying this whole thing is just weird, self referential, self-indulgent bullshit. SUSAN You know what y’all, “Die Vampire, Die.” HEIDI , What do you mean? : SUSAN T'll tell you what I mean, (Underscore begins.)1-7-43 MUSIC 10: DIE VAMPIRE, DI There are some people in the world who say writing stories, or composing music, or dancing sparkly dances is easy for them; nothing interferes with their ability to create. While I celebrate their creative freedom, a little part of me wants to punch those motherfuckers in the teeth. This song, I sing this song for ‘you guys and for all the rest of us. Help me out, y'all. HEIDI, HUNTER & JEFF We'll sing back up. : SUSAN YOU HAVE A STORY TO TELL, A NOVEL YOU KEEP IN A DRAWER. HEIDI, HUNTER & JEFF OLD SOCK DRAWER. ‘SUSAN YOU HAVE A PAINTING TO PAINT, BUT YOU'RE LAZY LIKE AN OLD FRENCH WHORE. HEIDI, HUNTER & JEFF JE SUIS WHORE. ‘SUSAN YOU HAVE A MOVIE TO MAKE, SHRINKY DINKS YOU CAN BAKE, BUT YOU BEST GRAB A STAKE ‘CAUSE HEIDI, HUNTER & JEFF IN SWEEP THE VAMPIRES, OOH IN CREEP THE VAMPIRES, KNEE DEEP IN VAMPIRES, FILLING YOU WITH DOUBT, OOH INSECURITY ‘BOUT WHAT YOUR ART SHOULD BE. OOH IN SWEEP THE VAMPIRES, OOH \ ALL DIE, VAMPIRE! SUSAN YOU SKETCHED THAT TURTLE YOU SAW IN AN AD ON LATE NIGHT CABLE TV. 7 HEIDI, HUNTER & JEFF ‘TIPPY TURTLE! SUSAN BUT YOUR 4TH GRADE TEACHER SAID,127-44 HEIDI “You can’t draw.” SUSAN OH, THOSE VAMPIRES WON'T LET YOU BE. HUNTER & JEFF Fuck you, Miss Johnson, Word, SUSAN AND WHEN THEY COME, RUN LIKE HELL. SEE THOSE BATS IN YOUR BELFRY, THEN CALL ON VAN HELSING. SUSAN HEIDI, HUNTER & JEFF IN SWOOSH OOH ‘THE VAMPIRES. IN WHOOSH OOH ‘THE VAMPIRES. BABA GHANOUSH OOH ALL THE VAMPIRES. FILLING YOU WITH THOUGHTS OF OOH SELF-CONSCIOUSNESS. FEELINGS OF WORTHLESSNESS. THEY'LL MAKE YOU SECOND-GUESS. DIE, VAM.. ALL -PIRE! HEIDI, HUNTER & JEFF THERE ARE SO MANY VAMPIRES INSIDE, OUTSIDE AND NATIONWIDE. IT HELPS TO RECOGNIZE THEM WITH THIS VAMPIRE HUNTING GUIDE. SUSAN Listen closely, my children. A. Vampire is any person or thought or feeling that stands between you and your creative self-expression, They can assume many seductive forms, Here are just a few of them. HEIDI, HUNTER & JEFF ‘TELL US, SUSAN! . SUSAN First up are your Pygmy Vampires. They'll swarm around you like gnats, and say things like: HUNTER ‘Your teeth need whitening,17-45 HEIDI You went to State School? JEFF You sound weird. HUNTER Shakespeare— HEIDI Sondheim— JEFF And Sedaris— SUSAN «Did it before you, and better than you. Or they might say you cannot sing good enough to be in a musical. Or they might say. HEIDI, HUNTER & JEFF YOUR SONG IS REPETITIVE. YOUR SONG MAKES ME TIRED. YOUR SONG IS REPETITIVE AND IT DOESN’T RHYME. AH. SUSAN ‘TO KEEP THAT SONG FROM YOU, BUT YOU TELL THEM... ALL DIE VAMPIRE, DIE - HIE - HIE! ‘SUSAN Brothers and sisters, next up is the Air Freshener Vampire. It might look like a Precious Moments Angel with a can a Renuzit in its tiny ceramic hand, But don’t be fooled, ifit smells something unpleasant in what you're creating, il urge you to- HEIDI, HUNTER & JEFF (They mime spraying air-freshener cans.) psssssst SUSAN it with some pine-fresh smell-em-ups. The Air Freshener Vampire doesn’t want you to write about... JEFF Bad language, HUNTER Blood, HEIDI Or blow jobs.1-7-46 ‘SUSAN It wants you to clean it up and clean it out, which will leave your work toothless, gutless and crotch-less. But you'll have two tight paragraphs on kittens that your memaw would be so proud of. You look at that Air Freshener Vampire in its doe-eyed, sweet-cheeked, judgey fuckin’ face and you say: 4 at HEIDI, HUNTER & JEFF ” MORTE VAMPIR, MORTE. SUSAN ‘The last Vampire is the mother of all Vampires and that is the Vampire Of Despair. It'll wake you up at 4am to say things like. JEFF Nobody cares what you think. HEIDI ‘You look like an idiot. HUNTER No matter how hard you try, you'll never be good enough, SUSAN Why is it, ifa stranger walked up to me on the subway platform and said these things, I'd think he was a mentally ill asshole, but if the Vampire inside my head says it, it’s the voice of reason? JEFF YOU HAVE A STORY TO TELL, PULL YOUR NOVEL OUT OF THAT SOCK DRAWER! HEIDI YOU HAVE A PAINTING TO PAINT. YOU BEST PAINT IT AND THEN HEIDI & HUNTER PAINT SOME MORE! SUSAN HEIDI, HUNTER & JEFF OH BABY, YOU MUST ESCAPE, 00H, OOH, THEN GRAB IT BY THE NAPE OF ITS NECK, OOH, BY THE TRACHEA. 00H, FUCKIN’ BREAK IT. AH, GO ON DRIVE THE STAKE IN. AH, YEAH, THERE’S NO MISTAKIN’, AH, ALL NOW YOU'RE SHAKIN’ BAKIN'! DIE VAMPIRE! ISAID, DIE VAMPIRE! ISAID NOW, DIE VAMPIRE, DIE! IN FLY THE VAMPIRES, 71-847 OH MY, THE VAMPIRES, ‘THEN DIE THE VAMPIRES, FILLING YOU WITH LIFE, CREATIVITY, ALL THAT YOUR ART SHOULD BE. QUT GO THE VAMPIRES! DIE VAMPIRE! DIE VAMPIRE! DIE VAMPIRE, DIE! Blackout.) An: lachil 5 ANSWERING MACHINE (V.0.) You have one new message. (Beep) (JEFF) Hey, it’s Jeff. Jeff. Jeff. Do you ever have those days where your name sounds weird? Jeff. Jeff. That sounds weird, doesn’t it? Jeff. (A beat) ‘Why does that sound weird? Jeff. I'm gonna go get my comic books, grab some food and Il be at your place in a bit. Bye. (Beep) Scene 8: Filling Out The Form (Lights up on HUNTER and JEFF. HUNTER is working in his notebook, while JEFF readies the seript and festival application.) HUNTER P'm nervous about finishing this application and getting to the post office, JEFF ‘Now, here's a question. If the festival does pick us, have we thought anything about production values? HUNTER Not really. JEFF Do you envision costumes or costume changes in the blackouts? HUNTER Nah, one costume all night is fine, less trouble, JEFF Okay gross. And what about a set?1-848 HUNTER Well, | guess until we raise ten million dollars, we'll just use four chairs, JEFF ‘And if we raise ten million dollars? HUNTER Four chairs made out of diamonds! JEFF And are we keeping the character’s names as “Hunter” and “Jeff”? HUNTER Yeah | guess so, Because it would be so weird to me to be like, “Hey, [insert actors name playing the role of Jeff].” JEFF ‘What if our show ever got to Broadway and people paid like ninety ora hundred bucks to see the show? That's alot. But ifthe show's like 90 minutes...are you listening. ..ifthe show is 90 minutes and people pay ninety dollars, that’s a dollar a minute. Or, if you get seats in the nose-bleeds it's like fifly cents a minute. That’s a good deal. You can’t get anything for fifty cents anymore. HUNTER Well, we'll just have to make sure that something kick-ass is happening every single minute of the show so people fee! like they’re getting their money's worth, (HUNTER continues working in his notebook and JEFF goes back to script for just a little too Jong. They hold...and then hold some more. Nothing is happening. Eventually... SUSAN enters.) SUSAN Hey, bitches. Hey, other bitches, JEFF Hey, Connie. SUSAN “Connie”? JEFF Pm just experimenting with some character names, SUSAN Oh! Well, i it's all the same, I would like to be called “Tulita Pepsi.” (She strikes a pose.) “Tulita Pepsi!” (JEFF pulls out phone to text HEIDI this new drag queen name.) JEFF [got it.1-8-49 ‘SUSAN It's settled then. HUNTER (Referring to ideas on his notebook) Okay, ’'ve made a short list of what to call our show. Festival of Dreams? SUSAN Booooo! HUNTER Your Arms Too Short to Write This Musical? HUNTER What about Remi, but with two t's? SUSAN That’s pretty good. JEFF Well, the form is asking for “title of show”. What if we just called it “(title of show]"? (EFF hands HUNTER the festival application indicating the title field.) HUNTER Hmm, [title of show]. ‘SUSAN What about Color Me Susan? Susan With a “Z"? (HEIDI enters with the demo CD.) HEIDI (Referring to cell phone message from JEFF.) “Tulita Pepsi”. That's a good one. It took me longer than I thought to burn the demo CD, but it’s all on there, What did I miss? JEFF We're thinking of calling our musical /title of show). HEIDI What? JEFF Well, the form’s asking for /title of show], so we just thought that... SUSAN So [title of show] would be on the poster and the programs? JEFF EFF quickly agrees.) Yeah, yeah, yeah.18-50 HUNTER We could have a tag-line that said like “For anyone whos ever dreamed, it’s time to believe in dreaming again... (ttle of show]...it's time...believe...dream.” SUSAN ‘That's beautiful, baby. HUNTER Okay Larry, let's fill out the rest of this form. (Underscore begins. Hunter fills ou the application throughout the song) MUSIC 11: FILLING OUT THE FO! JEFF & HEIDI DOOT DOOT DOOT DOO DOO LOOT DOOT DOOT DOOT DOO DOO DOOT (ete) HUNTER ‘Number one: title of show...we got that... /ttle of show]. Number two: Name. Address... okay. Number four, yes, five...okay...Number six: description of show in forty words or less...how about, (He writes) this show fuckin’ rocks! JEFF, HEIDI & HUNTER FILLIN’ OUT THE FORM. FILLIN’ OUT THE FORM. THE FORM. JEFF & HEIDI DOOT DOOT DOOT DOO DOO DOOT DOOT DOOT DOOT DOO DOO DOT (ete,) HUNTER Genre of your show. Is it good or bad that we don’ fit any of these categories? (He writes) “None of the above”. Is there a producer... (He writes) well, not yet. JEFF, HEIDI & HUNTER FILLIN’ OUT THE FORM. FILLIN’ OUT THE FORM. THE FORM. JEFF & HEIDI DOOT DOOT DOOT DOO DOO DOOT DOOT DOOT DOOT DOO DOO DOOT (ete,)1-8-5! HUNTER Hey, Susan, Help us fill out the chord while I fill out this form, (Underscore continues.) ‘SUSAN Ugh. This is what I was talking about. I’m not going to be able to hear my part. HUNTER I'll be fine. SUSAN Will it Hunter? Will it? Will it? Will it? ALL FILLIN’ OUT THE FORM. FILLIN’ OUT THE FORM. LARRY (Stopping them all.) ‘No! No! Susan you're on the ninth. (LARRY sings her part.) FILLIN’ OUT THE FORM... Let's try you with Jeff. (LARRY sings JEFF'S name on his pitch,) JEFF... JEFF FILL... LARRY (Singing SUSAN'S name on her pitch.) SUSAN... SUSAN SUSAN... LARRY (Counting them in.) ‘Two, three, four... ‘SUSAN & JEFF FILLIN' OUT THE FORM. FILLIN’ OUT THE FORM... SUSAN ‘YOUR NOTE CAN SUCK MY NOTE ‘CAUSE YOUR NOTE IS MY NOTE’S BITCH. LARRY Okay, okay. Let’s try everyone.1-952 (Assigning pitches.) JEFF... JEFF FILL... LARRY SUSAN... SUSAN AH... 7 LARRY HUNTER... HUNTER AH... LARRY HEIDI... HEIDI ME... LARRY ‘Two, three, four... ALL FILLIN' OUT THE FORM. FILLIN' OUT THE FORM. FILLIN' OUT THE FORM. FILLIN' OUT THE FORM, THE FORM. (The application, script and CD are sealed into the envelope). FILLING OUT, FILLING OUT, THE FORM. ‘Scene 9: Mail It! Mail Itt HUNTER ‘Oh my god. (HUNTER stares at the envelope) We did it. We actually did it. JEFF We did. We wrote for three weeks. HEIDI I'm proud of you guys. SUSAN Me too.19-53 HUNTER Is this really what we're submitting? JEFF Yeah SUSAN Mail it! Mail it! HEIDI & SUSAN Mail it! Mail itt HUNTER wait! (Underscore begins. Susan and Heidi are in a separate world. Their lines spoken as if voices in the guys’ heads.) MUSIC-11A: THE MAILBOX I'm freaking out. My stomach feels sick. SUSAN & HEIDI 7 “Die Vampire, Die.” JEFF You're really nervous aren’t you? HUNTER Yes. Aren’t you? JEFF I'm pretending not to be, HEIDI “{ think we've all got the insecurities.” HUNTER Do we need to do one more scan, maybe cut some stuff? SUSAN “You'll have two tight paragraphs on kittens.” JEFF We're not making any cuts. I’m proud of what we've done. HEIDI “[ ike that. Let the paint dry.”1-9-54 HUNTER P'm proud too, so why does that have to change if they don’t choose us? ‘SUSAN “Don’t say that of course you were meant to have children.” (SUSAN and HEIDI exit sheepishly.) HUNTER Jeff, what if they don’t pick it? JEFF ‘Then that'll be Act I HUNTER I guess, Well no matter what happens, I'm proud of us. We did it. JEFF We did it. HUNTER We wrote and completed a show. That's not nothing. JEFF Congratulations. HUNTER Congratulations, (HUNTER leans in to kiss JEFF.) JEFF What are you doing? HUNTER Nothing, I was totally kidding, I was like aaah... (SUSAN and HEIDI re-enter) HEIDI Hey you guys, Susan and I have a question...If the finished script is in that envelope, should we still be talking? (Blackout) ine Messi ANSWERING MACHINE (V.0.) You have one new message.1-9-55 (Beep) (KRIS STEWART) Hello, this is Kris Stewart, executive director of the New York Musical Theatre Festival, and I'm calling to let you guys know that we are interested in giving you a slot to present “Title of Show”, Please call me back at (212) 462-9080 and we can talk about more details. That is my home phone, so I just ask that you be discreet with that. Thanks. Beep.) MUSIC 12: MONTAGE PART 1: SEPTEMBER SONG ALL AH (Lights up on JEFF answering phone. The scene is familiar and replicates JEFF and HUNTER's opening phone call positions. In this brief exchange, we are in a scene from [title of show] at the New York Musical Theatre Festival, ) JEFF Hello? HUNTER So last night, a tranny stole my shrimp. (SFX of canned laughter.) (The number explodes into a musical medley/montage of scenes and moments onstage and off, time traveling from various locales from the NYMF festival to eventually Off-Broadway.) ALL FESTIVAL MEDLEY. FESTIVAL MEDLEY. JEFF & SUSAN LOTS OF THINGS ARE HAPPENIN’ AT THE FESTIVAL IN SEPTEMBER. LOTS OF PEOPLE ARE COMING TO WATCH US DO OUR STUFF. HEIDI & HUNTER OUR PANTS ARE WHAT WE'RE CRAPPIN’ IN AT THE FESTIVAL IN SEPTEMBER. WE'RE NERVOUS AS HOLY HELL ALL AND DID WE DO ENOUGH ‘TO GET SOMEONE WITH MONEY SUSAN TO LIKE US?1-9-56 JEFF TRUST US? HUNTER NEED US? HEIDI LOVE US? (Backstage at the opening night at NYMF. HUNTER has his shirt off and is fanning his underarm.) SUSAN Happy festival opening, y’all! Hey naked HUNTER Stop. I'm waiting until the last minute to put my shirt on because I get all sweaty under my left pit when Pm nervous. SUSAN ‘That's specific, HEIDI You should go on stage like that. HUNTER I wouldn't be caught dead without a shirt on stage. We should have Jeffy take his shirt off. JEFF P'mnot taking my shirt off HUNTER ‘Take your shirt off and we'll start the scene over. Heidi, you take your top off, too, HEIDI ‘What? I'm not going to take my top... HUNTER Both of you take off your fucking shirts, so we can sell some tickets to the show. (HEIDI and JEFF remove shirts.) ‘SUSAN Yeah! HUNTER ‘That’s hot. ‘SUSAN Now y'all kiss. Seriously, kiss.1-9-57 (They get dressed.) JEFF This is ridiculous. [’m not kissing her. SUSAN PI kiss her. HUNTER (Oh my God! This show has everything! Half naked guys and girl on girl action! HEIDI & SUSAN FESTIVAL MEDLEY. (The women kiss.) JEFF & HUNTER VEG’ TABLE MEDLEY. TV ACTORS IN OUR SHOW, WHAT COULD BE SWEETER? WE COULD GET THAT WOMAN WHO WAS ON “EMPTY NEST”... (SUSAN and HEIDI are once again backstage at another NYMF show as JEFF and HUNTER “perform” on stage.) HEIDI Hey Swasson. You okay? SUSAN No. I’m bummed we only have four more of these. I like doing this show. It balances out my day job which is killing me softly! I wrote this song sitting at my desk today...and I'd like to sing it for you now... CAN’T YOU SEE THAT I'M DYING INSIDE? CAN’T YOU SEE THAT I’M DYING INSIDE? IF YOU SHINED A FLASHLIGHT IN MY BUTT, YOU'D SEE I’M DYING INSIDE. HUNTER & JEFF HEIDI ARE WE WRITING FOR, ARE WE WRITING FOR, INSIDE! ARE WE WRITING FOR, ARE WE WRITING FOR HUNTER & HEIDI FESTIVAL MEDLEY. SUSAN & JEFF FESTIVAL MEDLEY.