HOW TO

HANDLE
DIFFICULT
PEOPLE
Participant Notebook

PRESENTED BY

ROCKHURST AUDIO

CONFERENCE SERIES,

A DIVISION OF ROCKHURST

UNIVERSITY CONTINUING

EDUCATION CENTER, INC.

Copyright 2008, Rockhurst University Continuing Education Center, Inc.

 Participant Notebook

So, Just Who Is Difficult?

And Why?
The behavior/reinforcement continuum:

All behavior is adaptive. The difficult person uses his or her bad behavior because it has worked
in the past. To stop the cycle of inappropriate behavior, we must interrupt the patterns that
difficult people are accustomed to using. The first thing we need to discuss here is a general
strategy for dealing with difficult people, and then we will look at the general categories of
difficult people.
To modify your own behavior/reinforcement continuum, you must first examine the expectations
you carry in your own head. To interrupt another person’s pattern of behavior, you can use the
symptoms of his or her behavior to help examine that person’s expectations.

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How to Not Get Trapped in the Cycle of Difficult Behavior

Expectations … and Their Symptoms
Expectations are directly related to our behavior. One of the most powerful internal forces that
influences our behavior is our expectations.

The Symptomology of Unrealistic Expectations

High Expectations
The “shoulds” — When you hear yourself
“shoulding,” e.g. “I should have; you should
have,” that signals that expectations may have
been too high.
Low Expectations
The “nevers” and “can’ts” — When you say
things like, “We can’t; I’ll never be able to,” it
may signal that you’re underestimating your
abilities and expecting too little.

Tips for Setting Realistic Expectations

• Compare your current expectations or goals to your past record or experience.
• Use others to test your expectations.
• Test whether you really believe you’re being realistic.

Communicate Your Expectations

• Clarity is always a critical success factor whenever there is more than one person
involved in accomplishing something.
• Clarity and communication are essential for good relationships, productivity, and keeping
unnecessary conflict to a minimum. Spell out your expectations and confirm that others
share this understanding.
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Typical Weapons Difficult People Use and How to Counteract Them

Arm Yourself…
Emotional Tactics / Non Emotional Responses
Never confront difficult people on an emotional basis; they are experts at emotional response.
Because their own emotional tactics have always worked for them, difficult people have more
practice and are better armed for emotional “warfare.” A basic trick for dealing with a difficult
person is to disarm him or her with non emotional responses.

Emotional Tactics Disarming Non Emotional Responses

Anger Find out why they’re angry; listen
Insulted Ask them what wouldn’t be insulting in this situation
Guilt Focus on the issues, not the attacker’s expectations
Exasperation Understand their feelings; empathize
False flattery Refocus the discussion on task, not feelings

Three Ways to Bring Out the Best Response in a Person

1. Listen first.
Make interactions other-oriented by taking on the role of listener first. Be genuine in your
responses and probe the speaker for clarification or more information when you don’t
understand.

2. Lead with a positive.

Stay focused on the positive aspects and strengths this person possesses. Lead with a
compliment or reflection of this person’s assets.

3. Demonstrate your own best traits.

Be, and appear to be, open, calm, and flexible. Orient yourself so that you will look for
the other person’s more positive traits as well. By giving the sincere impression of
openness and ease, you increase the likelihood that the other person will react more
positively and calmly.

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The EASY Script

A Strategy
The key to using the EASY script is to keep your language nonthreatening and your arguments
unemotional and quantifiable. Don’t express how you feel about something, state your
observations in quantifiable language (the observations are of the behavior you want to change),
and make your expectations for change measurable.

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The Four Most Difficult People

The Bull
1. Characteristics — Demanding, pushy,
sardonic/skeptical

2. Reasons — Bulls have very high expectations

for how a task should be performed and high
expectations for how other people will
perform on that task.

3. Coping strategies:
• First, react differently; be calm.
• Stand up for yourself.
• Give them time to blow off steam and
run out of things to say.
• You may have to interrupt to join in the conversation..
• Do something deliberate to get their attention.
• Get them to sit down (a less aggressive position).
• Talk for yourself only — speak from your point of view.
• Avoid a battle.

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The Four Most Difficult People, continued

The Time Bomb
1. Characteristics — Explosive temperament,
loud negativism, behavioral “storms”

2. Reasons — Time Bombs suffer from low

expectations of both people and tasks. The
classic explosive behavior of the time bomb
is due to the feeling that his or her world is
out of control.

3. Coping strategies:
• Best method: Help him or her regain
control.
• Be patient — let the person run down (you may have to interrupt, though).
• Show your sincerity, and your desire to talk.

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The Four Most Difficult People, continued

The Whiner
1. Characteristics — Whiners can’t perform on
tasks. They focus on the down side; they are
easily distracted and try to get other people’s
help or to manipulate other people into
taking over tasks altogether.

2. Reasons — Whiners have low expectations

for the outcomes of assigned tasks but have
high expectations of people around them.
Because Whiners have high expectations of
the people they work with, they expect co-workers to come to the rescue when things
are bad. Trouble is, Whiners have no faith in task or environment, so things are always
bad. Because things are always bad, Whiners always need to be rescued.

3. Coping strategies:
• Remember, these individuals are accustomed to being passive — it will require some
patience for you to cope with them.
• Listen closely — let them feel important.
• Acknowledge them and what they’ve said.
• Ask them to be specific (pin down the time, place, and person they have a complaint
about).
• Don’t agree — just listen.
• Avoid A-D-R (Accusation-Defense-Re accusation).
• State the facts and go to problem solving.

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The Four Most Difficult People, continued

The Know-It-All
1. Characteristics — Smug, task-centered, insensitive,
prone to take on more tasks than they can handle

2. Reasons — Know-it-alls have a great deal of faith in

their own ability to perform on any task but little
faith in the capabilities of their co-workers or
subordinates to perform.

3. Coping strategies:
• Try to get them to understand other views.
• Be sure and research — know what you’re
talking about.
• Listen attentively.
• Question them without antagonizing.

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 Participant Notebook, continued

Expectations
Build Your Own, Don’t Accept Someone Else’s

Remember:
Difficult people have certain expectations about how others will respond to them. It is critical to
avoid playing the role that the difficult person casts you in. Refusal to play by the rules someone
else has established for you breaks the patterns of behavior and reinforcement and interrupts the
patterns of difficult behavior — it also forces the person who is being difficult to proceed based
on your expectations.
Usually, difficult people want you to behave in one of two ways:
1. Passive/Submissive — Often the difficult person wants to “steamroll” co-workers until
they are afraid to confront. This type of behavior is calculated to force you to reflexively
accept inappropriate behavior.
2. Counter attack –—are forced to attack back. This is always a bad idea. Behaving
inappropriately is foreign to most people and therefore few people have any real
expertise in being on the attack. By definition, the difficult person is very used to
attacking co-workers and subordinates, and simply through experience and practice they
are better at being on the attack than the better-behaved people around them.
Difficult people often wait for you to follow their lead. They expect you to either go on the
attack yourself or mirror the behavior they are prescribing for you.
All inappropriate behavior must be challenged or it will continue indefinitely.

Verbal Attacks — “Autopilot”

• The fisherman sets up the bait, hoping he can hook you into his attack.
• Unspoken
• Presupposed idea/indirect attack (only implies certain things without really saying
anything). “If I weren’t ___________, I bet you’d give me …”

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Things Getting Really Hard to Handle?

Here’s How to Stay in Control
• Own your emotions.
• Take a time-out if you need to let emotions re-balance.
• Ask yourself four questions about the situation:
1. What past experiences were similar to this situation, and what did I learn from them?
2. What is my level of commitment to this person or situation?
3. What other factors are influencing my thinking in this situation?
4. What do I stand to lose?

How to Use Your Anger as a Powerful and Positive Tool

• Aggression, or anger, is an emotion. It can be seen as negative or positive.
• Anger never causes a behavior to happen.
• Anger demands action.
• You can make anger a powerful, positive tool.
• Threats to life, security, and self-esteem trigger a two-part limbic surge:
1. Hormones called catecholamines are released, generating a rush of energy that lasts
for minutes.
2. An adrenocortical arousal is created that can put you on edge and keep you there for
hours, sometimes days.

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Bonus
Materials
Dear Customer,

You are a valued customer and to say “thank you,” we have

included the following as a bonus for you. We believe you’ll
find it helpful as a job aid or to further your knowledge
beyond today’s broadcast.

Thank you,

Susan Enyeart
Director, Curriculum Development
 Bonus Material:
THE EASY
SCRIPT
EXPLAINED
PRESENTED BY

ROCKHURST AUDIO

CONFERENCE SERIES,

A DIVISION OF ROCKHURST

UNIVERSITY CONTINUING

EDUCATION CENTER, INC.

Copyright 2008, Rockhurst University Continuing Education Center, Inc.

 The EASY Script Explained

1. Express how you feel.

2. Address the situation.
3. Say what you want to happen.
4. Use a “Yes” or “no” question.

Express How You Feel

The whole point of using your own feelings as a starting point is that no reasonable person can
argue with you about your emotions. Statements like, “I am disturbed,” are not negotiable. If
you say that you are disturbed, we have to assume that your statement of the state of your mind
is exact. A key point: address the situation, not the person. You are disturbed about the behavior,
not the person behind the behavior.

Address the Situation

At this point, you must be completely unemotional. Also avoid absolutes such as, “You always
…” because as soon as you use that “always,” the person you are speaking to will certainly
remember the one time they didn’t. Again, it is best to use a quantifiable statement and directly
address the facts.

Say What You Want to Happen

Stick to what is quantifiable here; what you want to happen, when you want it to happen, how
you want it to happen, etc. Be precise and attempt to be as unemotional as possible. Remember,
it is important to never engage the difficult person on an emotional basis, because they, not you,
are the experts of emotional speech.

Use a “Yes” or “No” Question

Good sales people call this a “close.” The “yes” or “no” question forces the difficult person to
commit or not. If they give you the answer you want, then they have an obligation to do what
they have agreed to do.

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The EASY Script Explained, continued

Here’s What an EASY Script in a Less Emotionally Charged

Situation Might Look Like
Say that you supervise a person named Charley who is habitually late. You want to address the
situation in a way that does not cause Charley to get overly emotional about you confronting him.

Express how “Charley, I am disappointed.” Here, you are telling Charley how you
you feel feel. He can’t argue with how you feel
about something. Avoid, “Charley, you are
always late!” Charley remembers that he
isn’t always late. Two weeks ago on a
Friday, he was ten minutes early.
Address the “You have been late for work You have the exact numbers and can
situation four of the last eight days.” demonstrate that Charley has in fact been
late 50 percent of the time.
With some people, you might need to
address why tardiness is a problem.
Statements like, “Charley, we can’t start
unless everyone is here,” may sometimes
be necessary. However logical the
problems created by bad behavior might
be to you, it is just possible that Charley
doesn’t understand them.

Say what you “We start at 9 AM, but you
want to happen need to be here a little early
so that you are settled and
ready to go. I need you to be
here at 8:45.”
Be precise and to the point. Give Charley
exact times that he needs to come in, or
precisely what ideal behavior would be in
a given situation.

Use a “yes” or “Can you do that?” Charley is now forced to commit.

“no” question

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 The EASY Script Explained, continued

Dealing With Highly Emotional Difficult Behavior

Generally speaking, the way someone behaves at any given moment is the best they can do
based on the tools that person has. When you are dealing with highly emotionally charged,
difficult behavior, it is first critical to interrupt the flow of those undesirable emotions. Crying,
screaming, and other forms of “explosive” emotions require an audience to be effective. If you
can exit the scene of the emotional wreck, do so. Leaving will shorten the amount of time that
the emotional behavior goes on. If you can’t escape emotional misbehavior, then you must
interrupt it. The key is to make emotional misbehavior unproductive to pursue.
Sometimes it is effective to simply let the emotional person vent. Wait for a pause (there are
always short gaps in emotional ranting) and jump right in and stop him or her. If you do not
have time to wait for a pause and cannot leave, then start saying the person’s name until you get
his or her attention, then start with the EASY script.

Express how There are two possible Here, you are telling Charley that you are
you feel approaches here. If you know not distressed by him; you are distressed
the person extremely well, that the situation is occurring.
you might be able to start When you offer to solve the problem, you
with, “Charley, I am are telling Charley how you feel; you are
distressed …” feeling helpful.
If you are unsure of the
person you are speaking with,
or do not know him or her
well, start out by stating what
you can do: “Charley, I can
help you with this …”

Address the “You are upset because…” Do not pause at any point. A pause is
situation Charley’s cue to explode again. Describe
for Charley how he feels. He will probably
agree with you even if you are wrong
about the way he feels, because he hasn’t
thought about the way he is behaving. The
real key here is to have something that you
can “give” Charley. “You are upset
because Bill missed your appointment
with him …”
Say what you “I can reschedule your time You are fixing Charley’s problem here.
want to happen with him for tomorrow at 2
PM.”
Use a “yes” or “Is that acceptable?” Charley is now forced to commit.
“no” question

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Dealing With Your Own Feelings
in Difficult Situations

Ask Yourself Four Questions About the Situation

1. What past experiences were similar to this situation, and what did I learn from them?
(Projection)
2. What is my level of commitment to this person/situation? (Relationship)
3. What other factors are influencing my thinking/this situation? (Present Event)
4. What do I stand to lose? (Risk)

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