EMPEROR PIGS, SEASON 1, EPISODE 1: "FIRST DAY"

WRITTEN BY PERSEPHONE ROSE

SCENE 1: THE INTERVIEW

MAGGIE
(Narrating)
I was completely forthcoming at my
interview. I wanted to make sure
I'd have a job where I could
just... Be myself. I mean, I knew I
had a problem, but if it was all
out in the open, I figured... Well,
you know, if I slipped...

GORDON
Okay, I need you to be completely
honest with this next question.
Why did you leave your last job?

MAGGIE
Honestly? (Nervous laugh) Well, I
volunteered for nine months at an
assisted living facility. Reading
to them, cleaning up the dining
area, things like that. There was
this one elderly resident there...
And one night-- My last night-- I
ate him.

GORDON
You... Ate him?

MAGGIE
I'm sorry. You said to be honest.

GORDON
Okay. Would you elaborate on how
you 'ate' this man, then?
MAGGIE
I... Just sort of devoured him, I
suppose. I didn't really think
about it. My stomach growled, my
mouth watered, I reached out with
my claws and clamped my jaw around
his neck. I usually eat from the
neck down and save the face for
last. I know most wolves eat the
face first, but I love the seeing
that blank stare during a feeding.
I ate most of his body... Not the
feet, though. I'm just not a feet
girl. Couldn't ever really get into
them; building up all that sweat
and moisture from being enclosed in
shoes. And who knows what all they
walked on throughout the day?!
Err-- I mean, I ate him.
 2.

MAGGIE
(Narrating)
Yep. I was completely forthcoming.

GORDON
I see.

MAGGIE
I'm sorry, I'm just terrible at
interviews! I am a hard worker,
though!!

GORDON
A hard worker that... Eats people.

MAGGIE
I'm getting that under control,
though, really! (Pause) I'm
totally blowing this, aren't I?

GORDON
Can you elaborate on how he tasted?

MAGGIE
I'll just go. Wait, what?

GORDON
The man you ate. Can you describe
the flavor? If you're going to
work in my restaurant, I need to
know you can aptly describe complex
flavors.

MAGGIE
He was... Savory. Lightly salted?
Definite hint of iron, but not too
overwhelming.
GORDON
Go on.

MAGGIE
And fear. Sweet, juicy fear. I
could smell his adrenaline, his
worry... It was pure bliss. I ate
the eyes last just to make i fear
last longer.

GORDON
Great. When can you start?

THEME SONG AND INTRO CREDITS

MAGGIE
The City of Roachia. The bad part
of town, if there even is any other
part of town, that is. Brimming
with all sorts of other-worldly
(MORE)
 3.

MAGGIE (cont'd)
monsters and poverty. Of course,
we're no different. We open our
doors to everyone, especially the
worst sleaze this city has to
offer, and serve up all number of
greasy delights and smokeables.
Welcome to Emperor Pigs.

ANNOUNCER
Featuring Jessica Rose as Maggie.
Sarah McManus as Rove.
Alexander Doddy as Peter.
Persephone Rose as Fernod.
And Carlos Ortega Jr as Gordon.
Episode 1: "First Day"

SCENE 2: ON THE JOB TRAINING

JACK
I don't know how you can stand that
woman, I mean, she actually wants
to abolish slavery!

DEVON
Yeah, but, she's a real freak
between the sheets. Makes it all
worthwhile.

JACK
Oh yeah, does she...

MAGGIE
(Narrating)
My first day at Emperor Pigs Pizza
and Cigs probably could have gone
smoother. I was terribly nervous
when I arrived, handing Mister
Gordon my paperwork and checking in
with him. I noticed my new
coworkers were eyeing me strangely
from behind the counter, chatting
about something. Probably me.

FERNOD
Look at the new meat. (Evil laugh).
New meat, new treat.

ROVE
Shut up, Fernod. She's totally a
wolf. Can't you tell? She's mine.

FERNOD
There's no such rule. Fernod can
take the dog if he wants.

ROVE
You wouldn't.
 4.

CARL
Hey Fernod, Rove. How's it going?

ROVE
Hey, Carl. wow, that was fast! You
might be the best driver we've had
around here yet.

FERNOD
There's another delivery waiting to
go out in the back if you're up for
it.

CARL
Great!

ROVE
Damn it Fernie, why would you do
that?

CARL
(Shrieks in terror, abrupt stop)

FERNOD
(laughs maniacally)

PETER
(From the back room) You ASSHOLE!!!

FERNOD
(Continues laughing maniacally)

PETER
I swear, Fernod, I will end you.

GORDON
What's going on here?
ROVE
Hey, boss. Fernie's gone and lost
us another driver.

GORDON
Now, Fernod, we've talked about
this. You'd better go back there
and apologize to Peter.

MAGGIE
What... Just happened?

GORDON
Folks, I'd like you all to meet the
newest addition to our family. This
is Maggie.
FERNOD
Mag...gie. (Licking lips)
 5.

ROVE
(Quietly, to Fernod:) Behave
yourself, you bloody imp. (To
Maggie:) Pleased to meet you,
Maggie. I'm Rove, and my...
Apparently thirsty... colleague
here is Fernod.

FERNOD
(Loudly) I am not an imp! I am one
quarter devil, or do I have to
(attempting to sound 'booming':)
PROVE IT TO YOU ONCE MORE?

GORDON
Fernod. Go tell Peter you're sorry.
And help him get that turban back
on. Rove, you better supervise
him. Maggie and I will be back
there in a moment.

ROVE
Sure, boss.

ANGRY CUSTOMER
Excuse me. I would like to place an
order.

GORDON
Yes, of course, I'm sorry. How can
we help you?

ANGRY CUSTOMER
You guys have bread here?

GORDON
Well, we specialize in pizza,
wings, calzones... We do have bread
STICKS, that sort of thing. We also
have our own line of cigars, vapes,
tobacco and marijuana products.

ANGRY CUSTOMER
Yeah, yeah. But do you have bread?

GORDON
We don't typically sell bread by
itself.

ANGRY CUSTOMER
King Pizza does. Will you serve me
bread or not?

GORDON
I suppose we could cook up a pizza
dough for you. Does that sound
reasonable?
 6.

ANGRY CUSTOMER
Well, is it bread? I specifically
told you that I want bread. And
what are you looking at, girl?

MAGGIE
I'm sorry. Nothing. I'm not looking
anywhere.

GORDON
All right. I'll heat up a dou...
bread... for you.

ANGRY CUSTOMER
Finally. Was that so hard? Now, can
I have cheese on the bread, hmm?
And tomato sauce, and those
pepperonis you put on pizzas?

GORDON
Do you want... a pepperoni pizza?

ANGRY CUSTOMER
Oh, for fuck's sake! I don't want
your damn pepperoni pizza! I just
want a baked bread with tomato
sauce, cheese, pepperoni, and
whatever the spices are that you
put on the pizzas.

MAGGIE
Forgive me, but isn't what you're
describing... Technically... A
pepperoni pizza?

ANGRY CUSTOMER
Well of course it is. But Fernod
told me if I order it like this, I
don't have to pay as much! This
way I just pay for the bread.

GORDON
I'm sorry, but I really am going to
have to charge you for a pepperoni
pizza.

ANGRY CUSTOMER
This is BULLSHIT. I come here every
day, and I am charged for a bread,
not a pizza. Let me talk to your
manager.

GORDON
I am the manager.
ANGRY CUSTOMER
No. I'm not an idiot. Let me talk
to FERNOD.
 7.

GORDON
Fernod is... not... the manager.

ANGRY CUSTOMER
That's it. I'm leaving. I will be
in touch with Fernod and you will
all be fired!

GORDON
(Pause) Well, Maggie... Would you
like to meet the rest of our...
Aaand hold that thought. Hello,
welcome to Emperor Pigs, may I take
your order?

POLITE CUSTOMER
Hi! How are you guys today?

GORDON
We're doing well. We're training a
new employee today. This is Maggie.

POLITE CUSTOMER
Ohh, Maggie. What a beautiful name!
I once knew a buffalo named Maggie.

MAGGIE
That's nice...

GORDON
What can we get for you?

POLITE CUSTOMER
Well, I was walking by, and the
aroma of your little shop caught my
nose like a worm would a baby
fishie. I just had to stop in!
What would you recommend, Maggie?

MAGGIE
Well, anything with meat on it,
really.

POLITE CUSTOMER
Oh, that sounds positively
delightful. I'll take an anything
with meat on it.

SFX: LOUD CRASH FROM KITCHEN

PETER
(Shouting in back) You mangy
hobgoblin!! Why would you do
that?!?
FERNOD
(hysterical laughter)
 8.

PETER
(Shouting) Rove!! Help me get it
back on!

FERNOD
(Laughter continues)

POLITE CUSTOMER
Um... What's going on back there?

GORDON
We're getting a new air filter
installed.

POLITE CUSTOMER
Oh, I see. Perhaps I should come
back another time?

GORDON
Nonsense. We'll have your "Anything
with Meat" out in just a moment.

POLITE CUSTOMER
You guys are always so sweet here.
Thank you, Gordy.

GORDON
Not a problem. Maggie, would you
ring that bell and call out the
order to Pete back there?

SFX: BELL RINGS

MAGGIE
(awkwardly) Uh... One "Anything
with Meat."
PETER
(Shouting) Yeah, just wait a
goddamn minute, okay?!?

POLITE CUSTOMER
You know, it's really okay. I'll
come back later.

GARY
What's going on today, Gord-o? You
guys slackn'?

GORDON
We're training a new...

GORDON
Maggie, could you get that?
SFX: PHONE RINGS
 9.

MAGGIE
(In background:) Uh.. Emperor Pigs,
can I help you?... Yes... Pizza...
I'm sorry, what?... Okay... Okay,
what size?... okay. Large, uh,
sausage, pepperoni, and... What was
that last part?... I don't know if
we serve that. Oh, I think Fernod
is busy, actually...do you want me
to have him call you back?... Okay,
but for your order...? I
understand. Okay, I am actually
positive we do not sell cocaine
stuffed crust.

GARY
Gord-o, I want my usual.

GORDON
Okay. Six piece wings, and an extra
tomato calzone with two boxes of
signature sauce cooked in?

GARY
Goodness gracious! That's why I
said "my usual."

GORDON
Sure. That'll be 14 husks.

GARY
Now, you wait just a darn tootin'
minute. You are definitely
over-charging me, it's never that
expensive!

GORDON
I'm sorry, Gary, let's see where I
made the mistake. (Pause) Okay,
six piece wings... 4 husks,
calzone... 6 husks, plus extra
tomatoes--

LILY
Hey, G-Man! You got any new bud
flavors?

GARY
Excuse me, girl. Wait your turn.

LILY
What's your beef, man?

GARY
I will tell you my beef. My beef
is insolent, privileged, youth like
you cutting the line and behaving
like--
 10.

GORDON
Guys, guys! Relax. Lily, I'll be
right with you, I promise. Now,
Gary. Let's be reasonable here.

SFX: PORTAL OPENS, CUSTOMERS SCREAM AND SCATTER

LORD HOLGAR
(Booming voice) I want six pizzas
topped with freshly sacrificed
goat...

MAGGIE
...can I call you back?

GORDON
(Losing it:) GODS DAMN IT, Lord
Holgar. How many times have I told
you not to cut the line?

LORD HOLGAR
I'm sorry. The phone line was busy.

SFX: MAGGIE BECOMES THE WOLF, MORE CUSTOMER SCREAMS, FLESH

TEARING SOUNDS

MAGGIE
(Narrating)
I looked down at my hands. The fur
was growing. Everything was all
just so overwhelming. I tried to
stop, tried to reel it all back in.
But I couldn't. Between the
screaming in the back and customers
being so mean to Mister Gordon-- I
just lost it. I became the wolf,
leapt over the counter. I sliced
the throat of the demon who just
appeared, "Lord Holgar" I think it
was. He fell to the ground. But I
didn't stop there, I tore into the
guy arguing about prices, I
devoured every customer who even so
much as looked at me. I was the
beast. And it felt great. And
then I heard the silence and knew
I'd probably just lost the gig. I
turned back to the counter,
nostrils flaring, a spleen caught
in my tooth, dangling. Mister
Gordon was staring at me, and
Fernod, Rove, and a golden skinned
fellow wearing a turban had come
out from the back to watch. Fernod
began to clap slowly.

SFX: SLOW CLAP

 11.

FERNOD
She's totally mine.

LORD HOLGAR
(Grumbling as he gets up) Of all
the terrible customer service
atrocities I have received at this
little shithole of a pizza shop.
This... Is the worst.

MAGGIE
(Narrating)
Lord Holgar pushed himself off the
ground. I didn't even stop to
consider he might have a different
physiology. He wasn't a particular
demon-type I was familiar with,
considering that I usually just
kill and eat humans. He turned to
face me, spreading a pair of
horrifying dark purple wings. His
eyes were in slits.

LORD HOLGAR
I will be filing a complaint with
the health department. But for you,
little bitch-pup, I will have to
plan something much more...
Delightful.

SFX: PORTAL

MAGGIE
(Narrating)
In much the same way he appeared,
Lord Holgar vanished into some form
dark energy portal. My new
coworkers rushed around the counter
toward me. My human form was
returning, and I bowed my head,
submissively, awaiting the
scolding.

GORDON
Maggie, are you all right?

MAGGIE
I'm sorry, Mr. Gordon...

FERNOD
That was GREAT! Hahahaa! You sure
showed that freak. Ahahhahaha!

ROVE
Shut up, Fernod.
 12.

GORDON
Maggie, it's all right. You're not
in trouble. Believe it or not,
we've dealt with worse situations
around here. We've all got
something we're dealing with here,
and sometimes things get rough. We
just have to push through and try
our best. Fernod is one quarter
devil, I've been fruitlessly trying
to get him to stop making deals
with customers.

FERNOD
I have obsessive commersive
disorder.

GORDON
Peter here is a gorgon. Under that
wibbly wobbly turban is a head of
terrifying snakes that turn anyone
who sees them into stone.

PETER
Howdydo, miss.

GORDON
And Rove here is a wolf, just like
you.

ROVE
It's going to be okay, Magz. I'll
help you get through this. Listen,
Gordon's going to have to close up
shop for a week or so until this
all blows over. We usually head out
to The Mullet Man for drinks after
work, and it looks like we'll be
going in a little early today. Why
don't you come along and we can get
to know you better? First round's
on me.

GORDON
You guys go ahead, I'll probably be
tied up with the chief inspector
for a while. I think I'll sit this
one out. Maggie, don't feel broken
up about this, okay? It was an
accident. Things happen.

AKIKO
Um, excuse me... Are you guys
hiring?
SCENE 3: THE MULLET MAN

SFX: BAR NOISES

 13.

MAGGIE
(Narrating)
I was surprised by how calmly my
new coworkers seemed to be taking
things. Relieved, really. Seeing
them get along so casually at the
bar, I felt like I might finally be
able to fit in somewhere. Like I
finally had a home.

PETER
...As I picked myself up off the
ground, my turban slipped, and she
saw my snakes. I guess it was all
for the best, though. When the
school was finally able to arrange
a substitute, there wasn't enough
time left in the year for him to
administer the quiz.

SFX: HEARTY LAUGHTER FROM ROVE, PETER, MAGGIE, FERNOD

ROVE
(Laughing) Okay, okay, now tell the
one about the Easter Island Giants!

PETER
Actually I was hoping we could get
to know Maggie a bit.

WAITER
All right! A pitcher of our finest
ale. Anything else I can get you
guys this afternoon?

ROVE
We're all right for now.
WAITER
Great! Let me know.

PETER
So, Maggie. How'd you get to be a
wolf?

MAGGIE
(Narrating)
I told them my story. All of it.
About how I had been a simple
farmhand from the west. And the
handsome man who had whisked me
away. His name was Heraldo (sighs).
Oh, Heraldo. He was a dream. He
asked me to marry him on that
extremely rare night, once every
nine years, when all six moons are
visible. I was ready to say yes, of
course. But he held his finger to
(MORE)
 14.

MAGGIE (cont'd)
my lips and told me to wait. He got
up and ran to his car to get
something... He was only gone for a
moment. But that was all the time
it took for the pack of wolves to
snatch me away. They didn't leave a
trace. He must have thought I
ran... After I turned, I just... I
didn't have the courage to face
him. I was afraid I might... Eat
him. That was a year ago, mind you.
I'm sure he's forgotten all about
me.

MAGGIE
So how do you deal, Rove? I mean,
with the urges...

ROVE
Uh, deep meditation. Special
chanting, eating a lot of
hamburgers, I'll tell you that. I
mean, a lot of hamburgers. I'll
show you sometime. I've got a year
or so's supply of frozen patties in
my den.

PETER
Hey... Woah, Look at the time!
It's getting late, we'd better get
going if we're going to clean up
before bedtime... Say, Maggie, do
you think you could help us out?

MAGGIE
Sure, what's up?
FERNOD
(laughs) Oh, we've got a spot of...
Detail cleaning to do at the store.

ROVE
Hardly. We just need to move,
uh... Carl. Out of the back room.

PETER
I've got a storage unit on the
outskirts of town. We'll just prop
him up there with the others until
we can find a buyer.

MAGGIE
Others...? Buyer...?
FERNOD
(Laughs hysterically)
 15.

ROVE
(Annoyed) Fernod has a... Habit...
See, Gordon's always trying to hire
humans-- he wants to be seen as an
equal opportunity employer-- But
FERNOD here keeps finding ways
to... Make them disappear. His
latest kick has been tricking them
into seeing Pete's snakes.

PETER
As annoying as it is, it does help
keep the lights on at the store.
I'm able to sell them online as
statues for a pretty decent sum.
Gordon doesn't realize it since I
do the bookkeeping... But if it
weren't for the supplemental
income...

MAGGIE
I understand. All right, I'm in.

SCENE 4: THE HAUL

MAGGIE
(NARRATING)
When we got back to the store, we
found it empty, and oddly, with the
door unlocked.

ROVE
Gordon must be under a lot of
stress.

PETER
Yeah. Well, let's just get this
done with so we can all get some
rest.

MAGGIE
(Narrating)
We made our way into the back room.
And there was stone-statue Carl,
curious expression, and hand
outstretched-- permanently reaching
for that new delivery. It was odd,
watching them work. As angry as
Peter had sounded with Fernod
earlier, they seemed to have a
system down for this sort of thing.
We lifted the statue onto the bed
of Peter's truck. Rove rode up
front, and Fernod and I climbed
into the bed to hold... Carl...
Steady.
 16.

FERNOD
So, Magz, what are you doing
tonight after all this excitement?

ROVE
(Growls) Watch it back there,
leprechaun.

MAGGIE
Honestly, I think I'm going to call
it a night after this. I'm kinda
exhausted.

FERNOD
Oh come on, honey. I know a great
club...

PETER
Knock it off, Fernod. She said no.

FERNOD
(Whispering creepily) Call me
later.

MAGGIE
(Narrating)
We rode on in silence for a bit
after that, with Fernod's glowing
yellow eyes continuously examining
me... Closely. He certainly was a
bit... Strange. We arrived at the
storage facility and unloaded Carl
into the unit. There were six or
so statues already inside.

MAGGIE
All of these you...
PETER
Accidents. Honestly.

FERNOD
(Devilishly) Not accidents.

ROVE
The few humans Gordon hired. You
know, Fernod, you really should
slow down with this. He might snap
at any moment and fire you.

FERNOD
Old Gordie? Hardly a chance. He
needs me and he knows it. I'm the
whole reason we even have
customers!
 17.

PETER
I've got two bidders currently for
the lot. The winner will probably
be pleased to receive the bonus.

MAGGIE
I wonder who they were. Did they
have families? Isn't anyone
looking for them?

ROVE
Nah, mostly nobodies who couldn't
get a job anywhere else. Minimum
wage is fine and the norm for us
beast types, but with humans? It's
the lowest of the low on their
social order chain. So the sort of
human Gordon hires, well, no one
bats an eye when they go missing.

SFX: FERNOD'S CELL PHONE

FERNOD
Oooh, this'll be good. Gotta get
this! (Pause) Hello? A deal, huh?
(Pause) Not with me, what? (Pause)
Oh (Pause) Yes, of course. Yeah,
yeah, whatever (Pause) It's for
you, new meat.

LORD HOLGAR
(Over the phone)
Hello, bitch-pup.

MAGGIE
What do you want?
LORD HOLGAR
I have a proposition for you. You
see, I have your manager... Gordon.

MAGGIE
Oh my gods.

LORD HOLGAR
Well he's not exactly what I
ordered. I'd much rather consume
something a bit... Wolfier. So I'd
like to make a little trade.
Him... For you.

MAGGIE
(Narrating)
I felt my hands shaking. I was in
total shock. This was all entirely
my fault. If it weren't for my
anger issues, Mr. Gordon would be
okay and the store would still be
(MORE)
 18.

MAGGIE (cont'd)
open. And after he was so kind to
offer me a job. I started to cry.

SFX: MAGGIE SOBBING

LORD HOLGAR
Oh, come now, bitch-pup, don't make
this harder than it has to be. You
(pause) For Gordon. The store
reopens and it's happily ever
after. Except, of course, for you.
Look, I'm not an unreasonable
demon. I'll give you some time to
think it over... Say, twenty-four
hours?

MAGGIE
(Through sobs)
I'll do it.

LORD HOLGAR
(Pause) ...Well, okay then. That
was much easier than I expected.
Let's meet at a neutral place, say,
Chinatown, on Friday around noon?
I hear Master Chang's makes a smart
Egg Drop Soup!

MAGGIE
(Narrating)
I felt like nothing mattered
anymore. Even if we were able to
rescue Mister Gordon without making
the trade... Well, I doubt he'd
let me keep the job anyway. My
world was over, and there was no
point fighting it anymore. I wiped
my eyes as best I could, took a
deep breath, returned Fernod's
phone to him, and left.

END THEME AND CLOSING CREDITS

ANNOUNCER
This has been Postal Roach's
presentation of Emperor Pigs:
Episode 1: "First Day."

Written by Persephone Rose.

Featured in the cast were

Jessica Rose as Maggie
Carlos Ortega Jr as Gordon
Sarah McManus as Rove
Alexander Doddy as Peter
Persephone Rose as Fernod
Zachary Kim as the Angry Customer
(MORE)
 19.

ANNOUNCER (cont'd)
Grant Patrizio as Lord Holgar
Jenna Birmingham as the Polite
Customer
Jei Evans as Gary
Mike Trentacosta as Jack
Kayla Ott as The Mullet Man
Waitress
Dirk Allie as Carl
NUCLEARpaste as Devon
Brooke Goodman as Lily
and Terra as Akiko

Original Music arranged and

performed by Meghan Rose Scott.

Emperor Pigs Theme Song by Jordyn

Oran.

Our sound engineer was Persephone

Rose.

Emperor Pigs is a creation of

Persephone Rose.

The executive producer for Postal

Roach is Persephone Rose.

Production Copyright 2019 by

Postal Roach.

Visit us on the web at

PostalRoach.com