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Have Lots Of Friends But

Still Feel Lonely? Here’s The
Reason Why

Mahmudul Islam
Feb 28, 2018 · 3 min read

Courtesy: Pixabay

When was the last time you felt lonely? Was it a

week ago? Yesterday? Perhaps a few hours ago?

And why exactly do you think you felt lonely?

One of the common beliefs is that being

lonely is the same as being alone. This means
your periods of solitude should obviously be
counted as your periods of loneliness.

This, however, is not entirely true.

If you choose not to socialise a lot with friends

or you prefer spending a great deal of time
alone, it does not actually mean you are lonely.
Isolation or solitude can be a factor but that
does not tell the whole story of how lonely a
person is.

If you are alone and upset, you are not necessarily

lonely. Do not give the state of solitude a bad rap.

There are in fact people who maintain enough

social connections. They occasionally or
regularly hang out and attend parties, but still
feel lonely and isolated deep inside.

Because what is missing in those

relationships is the vital element of
closeness.
It is the element that determines the quality of
the relationship.

It is the element that makes a relationship

meaningful.

It is the pivotal element that determines

whether you feel truly connected to the
person(s) you are with.

This is where the following deEnition of

loneliness from the Encyclopedia of Human
Relationship comes into play:

“Loneliness is the distress that results from

discrepancies between ideal and perceived social
relationships.”

You may have lots of friends, but how close are

you with them? Do you feel genuinely connected
to them when they are around you? Does it give
you a feeling of satisfaction when you are
spending time with them?

If not, you will be distressed. You will feel a

sense of sadness and disappointment.

Eventually, you will feel lonely. You will feel

disconnected.

You can have a large network of friends but still feel

lonely unless you have authentic, deep connections
with them. Photo by Naassom Azevedo on Unsplash

In this interview with The Guardian, Professor

John Cacioppo, director of the University of
Chicago’s Centre for Cognitive and Social
Neuroscience, said:

“The brain is the organ for creating, monitoring,

nurturing and retaining social connections. So it
does not matter whether you actually have these
connections. What is important is whether you
feel that you have them.

There is a big diEerence between objective

isolation and perceived isolation, and perceived
isolation is loneliness.”

Having a lot of friends and not having any close

tie with them is not the solution. That is the
situation when people feel lonely in a crowd.
Evidently, a relationship that only exists on the
surface level lacks the closeness element.

On the other hand, having a few friends is just

Ene if there is this intimate, meaningful
relationship where both parties understand
each other well. It gives the feeling that “I have
people in my life who really understand me and I
understand them too at the same level.”

As Professor John says:

“In fact, often times, fewer is better.”

The next time you feel lonely,

do not jump to the conclusion
that you need more friends.
Instead, examine your existing relationships.
Work to improve them. Make them better and
stronger by becoming closer to them.

As relationship coach Kira Asatryan writes:

“The feeling of closeness arises between two

people when they both feel that the other
understands them well and cares about them
deeply.

This feeling of being understood and valued —

this feeling of closeness — is what you are really
craving when you are lonely.”

. . .

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WRITTEN BY

Mahmudul Islam

Writing Brings Me to Life. I Sing Finnish, Hindi and

Bengali Songs with Karaoke. Personal
Development| Intercultural Relationship|
Meaningful Conversation

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