Decoding Fruit by Molly Smith Metzler

DREW​: Surprise Page!

PAIGE: Oh no.

DREW:​ Paigerama!

PAIGE: NO! No, no, no, no, not now.

DREW:​ The Paigester!

PAIGE: NO, Drew—

DREW:​ What up, ho!

PAIGE: You cannot do this to me! I am literally out the door!

DREW:​ Gotta love Fung Wah Bus, huh!? Boston to New York like that.

PAIGE: At 5am? You didn’t take your meds, Drew.

DREW:​ I took ‘em.

PAIGE: Goddamit, no, you didn’t. How many did you miss? Just today? Mom and Dad don’t
know you’re on a field trip, do they? Of course not. You’re gonna let them wake up and find you
gone. Scare the bejesus out of them.

DREW:​ Did you say bejesus? Wow.

PAIGE: My car is on its way. My flight to California is at seven and at noon I’m the guest – the
guest, Drew – on Good Day San Francisco. You have to go back to Boston.

DREW:​ But I came here to see you. I missed you, Paige.

PAIGE: You saw me two days ago at Christmas dinner, Drew.

DREW​: Yeah, but I didn’t hear about your book! I’m really interested in… broken art?

PAIGE: Baroque Architecture? No you’re not. You didn’t look up from your Super Station when I
was telling everyone.

DREW:​ Actually, it’s a Playstation. And I do feel really guilty about—

PAIGE: Why’s your left hand in your pocket?

DREW:​ Cus it’s maxin’ and relaxin’.

PAIGE: Then lemme see it Drew.

DREW:​ Fuck you, Paige.

PAIGE: Fine. I’ll just call Mom.

(Paige goes to the phone and Drew pulls his hand out of his pocket. It’s a mess.)

PAIGE: Oh, Andrew, ugh! I thought you were done doing this!

DREW​: Look, it’s still functional.

PAIGE: What did you punch?

DREW:​ Cement.

PAIGE: This is not my problem. You know I have to call Mom.

DREW:​ They said they’d commit me if I did it again.

PAIGE: Mom and Dad don’t mean that.

DREW:​ They said if I hurt myself one more time I’m going you know where.

PAIGE: Does it hurt a lot?

DREW:​ No?

PAIGE: You fucking idiot. I can’t believe you did that.

DREW​: Look I’m okay to fly!

PAIGE: To fly?

DREW:​ Yeah to San Francisco! You need a bodyguard. Come on! I’m buff.

PAIGE: You can come on my next book tour. When you’re better.
DREW:​ Look Paige, you’ll write another book - but I’ll still be me. I’m not gonna get better.

PAIGE: (Into phone) Hi, it’s Paige. I’m gonna be a few days late getting out there. I’m really sick,
the flu I think. When you get this, call Janice at Good Day. Thanks.

DREW:​ Liar.