CHAPTER 4

Personality Development

Personal development covers activities that improve awareness and identity, develop talents
and potential, build human capital and facilitate employability, enhance the quality of life and
contribute to the realization of dreams and aspirations. Personal development takes place over
the course of a person's entire life.[1] Not limited to self-help, the concept involves formal and
informal activities for developing others in roles such as teacher, guide, counselor, manager, life
coach or mentor. When personal development takes place in the context of institutions, it refers
to the methods, programs, tools, techniques, and assessment systems that support human
development at the individual level in organizations.[2]
Personality Development quintessentially means enhancing and grooming one’s outer and inner
self to bring about a positive change to your life. Each individual has a distinct persona that can
be developed, polished and refined. This process includes boosting one’s confidence, improving
communication and language speaking abilities, widening ones scope of knowledge, developing
certain hobbies or skills, learning fine etiquettes and manners, adding style and grace to the way
one looks, talks and walks and overall imbibing oneself with positivity, liveliness and peace.

The whole process of this development takes place over a period of time. Even though there are
many crash courses in personality development that are made available to people of all age
groups, implementing this to your routine and bringing about a positive change in oneself takes a
considerable amount of time. It is not necessary to join a personality development course; one
can take a few tips and develop his or her own aura or charm.

 You may have heard this a million times “Think Positive”. It works.
 Smile. And smile some more. It adds to your face value and to your personality as well.
 Read a few articles in the newspaper loudly. This will help in communicating fluently.
 Follow table manners and dining etiquettes
 Take good care of your health, dress well, be neat and organized
 Prepare a chart that mentions your strengths and weaknesses. Now concentrate on the latter
and find ways to improve upon the same. Do not forget to strengthen your strengths.
 Spend some time alone concentrating on you and yourself alone.
 Practice meditation and yoga. It will help you develop inner peace and harmony that will
reflect outside.
 Do not live a monotonous life. Be creative and do something new all the time. Nothing
bigger than the joy of creative satisfaction
 Be Good: It is vital not just to pretend to be a helpful person; you genuinely have to do
that to be that person. For instance, you realized that someone is in need, you can guide
and say that I feel if you go to that person, he can be of help to you. Or you can give
small piece of advice. Satisfactions that you get after helping someone is amazing, and
believe me that will reflect on your face and personality development.
  Do you really need to change: Come let’s understand when it’s time for you to change?
Suppose, you are talking with someone and that person, is nodding but not interested in
you or your topic! The person is looking at his watch while speaking to you. The person,
suddenly hop on to some other person and speak for hours with that person. There is
sudden silence in the room as soon, as you enter. So, come out of your cocoon and see
the world with unbiased eyes. Soon, you will realize that you need to adapt to new
environment.
 Work on Inner beauty: We all work on external appearance, but when you speak
everything get reflected, weather you are arrogant, dominating, self-centered or not
concerned. From your actions and way to behave and speak it all gets reflected. So make
sure that you work on your inner beauty or personality. As to have a great look it takes
you just couple of months, but to have a great personality development you need to work
for years to develop that aura and confidence which will make you “a complete man”.
 Work on your confidence level: Well you need to develop a carefree attitude, be
confident, you need to think, people will speak negative about you as they are jealous of
you, or they don’t want you to become the center of attraction. Another thing is that you
can be with your friends and publish start speaking, develop the habit of participation and
speak in the discussion going on. Speak less but speak relevant. So that you gain
confidence and people around will understand that you can also speak and can give your
own advice.
 Learn from Mistakes: If you are learning any new thing, you are bound to make
mistakes, be prepared to say sorry and apologies genuinely. By saying sorry you are able
to make a respectful corner among your friends and colleagues. Learn from your
mistakes, forgive yourself and move on. Do not stop until you have learned from your
mistakes. This may take you years to learn and that is fine, at least you are learning and
trying your best. You are thousand times better than the people never try and are timid to
confront their introvert personality.

BODY LANGUAGE

People use different ways of communication in their social lives as well as in their professional
lives. Apart from the verbal language we mostly use, there is another important aspect of
communication called body language. It is the non-verbal communication in the form of body
postures, gestures, eyes, and hand movement.
This type of non-verbal communication is the most reliable and quick way of sending thoughts,
expressions, and messages. Our body postures, gestures, eye contacts, the tone of voice, or the
hand movements are unconscious and are controlled by the limbic system of the brain. The
person making such kind of actions is mostly unaware of the messages he or she is conveying
through body language.
Similarly, the other party immediately notices the body language of the person and interprets it
before he tries to get the verbal message of the other person. The interpretation of body language
and its different signs varies according to the society, culture, the perception of the recipient, and
many other factors. That is why communicating through body language is often ambiguous.

Importance Of Body Language In a Career

 Research shows that 55% of communication consist of body language. So, the effectiveness of
professional life depends on how a person communicates through his or her body language.
 Sometimes communicating through written letters and verbal language is not enough to convey
the message or convince the other party, so in that case, responding through different non-verbal
techniques prove successful.
 A person appearing for job interview must learn to master the art of non-verbal communication
as it is the quick and direct way to respond or understand the other person’s directions. The job
candidate, through his proper body gestures, confidence, face expressions, even the dressing, can
impress the interviewer. Similarly, if he can interpret the interviewer’s body language, he can
easily understand his intentions and in return respond accordingly.
 Through powerful body language, a person can motivate his subordinates, successfully carry out
his business deals and meetings, impress his superiors, or smoothly carry on with his team
members.

How To Improve Body Language

Improving and learning the art of non-verbal language is not a rocket science. A person needs to
have a sharp observation of other people, broad perception, and understanding of different
societies and cultures. For instance, understand the social and cultural background of the
interviewer in the case of a job interview or working in a foreign country.
Similarly, to better deal with your colleagues in a multinational firm, one must understand
different norms of different cultures and different perceptions of different societies. There are
numerous examples of using body language at a workplace to achieve success.

 A confident posture in a job interview like sitting straight with high head gives a very
positive impact. If you are seated in an awkward position with your arms folded, it shows a lack
of confidence and interest. A smiling face has an immediate positive impact on the other person.
 Similarly, the tone of voice matters. A low to medium tone should be used in the workplace to
give a positive image. Sometimes the harsh and loud voice is considered as rude.
 Maintaining an eye contact with another person is crucial in establishing an active
relationship with someone else. Studies show that 50 to 60% eye contact is necessary during a
conversation to show your level of interest. Gazing in other directions here and there can give an
impression that you are least interested in the discussion. Rather, one should look downwards in
between to break the eye contact.
 Understanding another person’s body language can help you respond accordingly. For
example, during an interview or a business meeting, if the speaker senses a negative response
from the body language of the opposite party, he can quickly alter his course of action
accordingly and try to convince them. The non-verbal communication is as important as the
verbal communication to excel in our professional lives.

GROOMING
 the things that you do to make your appearance clean and neat,
for example brushing your hair, or the things that you do to keep an
animal's hair or fur clean and neat

Personal appearance is an often-disregarded part of communication and presentation skills.

When you are speaking in public, you may be representing your organisation or just yourself. It
is still you at the front. It is you that the other person, group or audience sees and before you have
time to open your mouth and say anything, certain assumptions, both consciously and
subconsciously, have been made.

First impressions are very important - they can be about attitude as well as dress.
Visual impact is at least as important as verbal impact. People will very quickly make
assumptions based on your personal appearance, including your facial expressions, the
clothes you wear, how well-groomed you are and your body language.

Clothes and Grooming

Perhaps the most obvious element of personal appearance, and certainly the easiest one to
change, is what you wear and how well-groomed you look.
Nobody is likely to be able to tell you exactly what is appropriate attire in any given situation.
There will, however, be plenty of people to tell either you or someone else if you get it wrong.
The questions that you have to ask are:
What sort of external image is appropriate to the organisation you represent?
What image will fit with the event that I am attending?
Only you can answer these questions.

 Some organisations are happy for people to be casually dressed. This is particularly true in the
technology industry.
 Other organisations may expect smarter attire, especially if you are representing the organisation
at an external event. There is, however, a whole range of options from smart casual to smart
business. This can be especially challenging for women, although it is also more obvious if men
get it wrong, and wear/don’t wear a suit at the wrong times.
It is important to be suitably dressed within expected limits.
You should also ensure that you are appropriately groomed. This does not mean that women
have to spend two hours putting on make-up before attending an event. It does, however, mean
that you should be clean, your clothes should be clean and ironed, and that your hair should be
tidy.
Nobody expects you to be packaged into something you are not. However, your appearance is a
reflection of your own self-esteem. You should aim to present yourself to your best possible
advantage. Whilst you might be casually dressed when working within your organisation, a more
formal approach may well be preferable when representing your organisation at an external
meeting.
Good grooming and a tidy appearance is always preferable, whether casually or more formally
dressed. It presents a much more professional appearance.
It also suggests that you think that you are relatively important: that you matter. This is important
if you wish to be taken seriously. Nobody is going to respect someone who does not look like
they respect themselves.

Facial Expressions
Little can be done to alter your face, but a lot can be done about the expression that is on it!
It does not matter how the day started or what minor crisis has occurred along the way. People
have not come to this event or meeting to see you looking gloomy. If you do not look interested
and enthusiastic about what you are saying, why should anyone else care?
It is your duty—to yourself as well as to the organisation that you represent—to convey a calm,
friendly and professional exterior, whatever you may feel inside. Try to smile and appear
optimistic and confident. More to the point, try to convey how you (should) feel about a subject
in which you are an expert: at least interested and capable, and preferably enthusiastic.
Paradoxically, simply behaving as though you are confident can actually help you
to become more confident. This is very much a ‘virtuous circle’.
For more on this see our page: Non-verbal Communication: Face and Voice.
Mirror, mirror on the wall...
he reflection you see in the mirror is not necessarily a true likeness of the face known to family,
friends and colleagues because they see you off-guard, in repose, concentrating on a task, or
listening to them.
Most people unconsciously change their expression when looking into the mirror.
It is quite natural to ‘play to a mirror’, possibly by raising an eyebrow, pulling a face or smiling
at the reflection. This is why people often feel self-conscious when they see a ‘bad’ photograph
of themselves.
The Real You:
It is human nature to make compromises. We all change our approach depending on the people
we meet and what we feel is expected from us.
Your 'on-duty' self, the one who functions in public, is different from your 'off-duty' self, the one
concerned with home, family and friends.
These differing roles all require their own particular qualities and skills in personal
communication and can also call upon different requirements of attitude and personal
appearance. Your external image, your personal appearance, is how you are seen by the world,
whereas the real you (not a role model or the person you would like to be) is someone who is
honest with themselves.

Body Language
See our page: Body Language for more information.
Understanding body language is one of the most important aspects of personal presentation. The
image conveyed by the physical self should support and enhance what is being communicated
verbally. If the visual image differs widely from the spoken message, it is often the non-verbal
account that is believed.

The way you sit and stand, your gestures and mannerisms and your facial expressions will
say far more about you and how you are feeling at any given time than the words you are
using. When individuals are nervous or uneasy, their behavioural 'bad habits' become
more pronounced.
Awareness of your body language, of how you behave under pressure, what signals you are
unconsciously giving, how nerves and stress affect you physically, can help you understand how
you 'come across' to others. It can also explain how the wrong impression is sometimes given
and how confusion can occur.
Working on body language is a way of improving personal presentation. For example, when
concentrating on something rather hard, your expression may look troubled, when in reality you
are not anxious at all, just absorbed. This does not mean you should go around with a fixed
smile on your face. However, you do need to be aware that your physical self might send one set
of signals when your mind is involved elsewhere.
Body language can also be used as a mask to convey contrary feelings. How often have you
nodded firmly when you did not understand a word, smiled when your instinct was to scowl, or
clapped enthusiastically at the end of a talk that nearly put you to sleep? In these cases you were
not being hypocritical, but using body language positively as the mechanism of good manners.
Our gestures are part of our personalities, a part of how we express ourselves. Hand and arm
movements can add emphasis, aid explanation and convey enthusiasm. They only become a
negative signal when repeated so often that they become irritating to the observer. Listeners can
become so side-tracked by the sight of someone constantly playing with their hair, tapping on the
table with a pen, etc., that they no longer listen to the spoken word. These negative signals can
break down the communication process.
Corporate dressing refers to sensible dressing at work place which helps an individual to make a
mark of his/her own in the first meeting itself. Corporate dressing teaches an individual to dress
according to the organization culture. Do not wear something which will make you feel odd one
out at the workplace. Dressing sensibly makes you feel confident throughout the day. Believe
me; you do not feel like working if you wear a wrinkled shirt or ill-fitting pants to work. No one
knows you better than you yourself. It is not necessary that something which looks good on your
colleague would also look good on you. Don’t purchase anything just because it is in fashion.
Please use your common sense. If a dress is not looking good on you at the showroom, it will
look the same even at home. Dress according to your body type, weight and complexion.
Remember, appearances are extremely important.
Corporate dressing plays a crucial role in enhancing one’s personality. An individual with a
pleasing personality is respected and appreciated by all. He can easily charm anyone and win
people over.
You need to feel good about the way you look. Make sure your clothes fit you well. You need
to feel comfortable in your dress. Too tight and revealing clothes make you popular at the
workplace for all wrong reasons. Nobody bothers to notice you, if you are not sensibly dressed.
Formal dressing, if done correctly helps you create the first impression. Remember, you seldom
get a second chance.
Personal grooming and corporate dressing actually go hand in hand. Donning an expensive
business suit will not help, if you are not neat and clean. Here comes the importance of
personal grooming. Personal grooming is defined as the art of cleaning and maintaining one’s
body parts. Personal grooming is essential for everyone irrespective of the gender and nature of
profession. Personal hygiene, if neglected can ruin your personality. Would you feel like
speaking to someone who has bad breath or someone who has sweat stains all over his shirt? I
am sure the answer would be a big NO. The same goes with others as well. Flaunt your clean,
simple yet elegant look.
Male professionals need to:

 Shave Daily/Trim moustache or beard

 Comb hair properly
 Wear crisp, wrinkle free shirts preferably in subtle colours and well fit trousers in blacks,
blues or greys.
 Wear a mild perfume
 Trim his nails

Female professionals need to:

 Tie hair in a neat ponytail or bun.

 Wear flats to work.
 Wear minimal make up
 Get rid of facial hair or hair in any other body part(hands, legs, area around the lip)
 Smell good
 Clean their hands, feet and take care of finger as well as toe nails. Preferably use a
transparent nail paint.

Avoid wearing loud colours to work. Casuals, chunky jewellery, stacks of bangles, multiple
chains /bracelets are strict no no at workplaces. Corporate dressing along with personal
 grooming help you create a presence that exudes professionalism, leadership, confidence
and elegance.
Attitude
A predisposition or a tendency to respond positively or negatively towards a certain idea, object,
person, or situation. Attitude influences an individual's choice of action, and responses to
challenges, incentives, and rewards (together called stimuli).
Attitudes represent our evaluations, preferences or rejections based on the information we
receive.

It is a generalized tendency to think or act in a certain way in respect of some object or situation,
often accompanied by feelings. It is a learned predisposition to respond in a consistent manner
with respect to a given object.

This can include evaluations of people, issues, objects, or events. Such evaluations are often
positive or negative, but they can also be uncertain at times.

These are the way of thinking, and they shape how we relate to the world both in work and
Outside of work. Researchers also suggest that there are several different components that make
up attitudes.

One can see this by looking at the three components of an attitude: cognition, affect and
behavior.

3 components of attitude are;

1. Cognitive Component.

2. Affective Component.

3. Behavioral Component.

Cognitive Component

The cognitive component of attitudes refers to the beliefs, thoughts, and attributes that we would
associate with an object. It is the opinion or belief segment of an attitude. It refers to that part of
attitude which is related in general knowledge of a person.

Typically these come to light in generalities or stereotypes, such as ‘all babies are cute’,
‘smoking is harmful to health’ etc.

Affective Component

Affective component is the emotional or feeling segment of an attitude.

It is related to the statement which affects another person.

It deals with feelings or emotions that are brought to the surface about something, such as fear or
hate. Using the above example, someone might have the attitude that they love all babies because
they are cute or that they hate smoking because it is harmful to health.

Behavioral Component

Behavior component of an attitude consists of a person’s tendencies to behave’in a particular

way toward an object. It refers to that part of attitude which reflects the intention of a person in
the short-run or long run.

Using the above example, the behavioral attitude maybe- ‘I cannot wait to kiss the baby’, or ‘we
better keep those smokers out of the library, et

Personality, a characteristic way of thinking, feeling, and behaving. Personality embraces

moods, attitudes, and opinions and is most clearly expressed in interactions with other people. It
includes behavioral characteristics, both inherent and acquired, that distinguish one person from
another and that can be observed in people’s relations to the environment and to the social group.
Personality refers to an individual’s characteristics, style, behavior, mindset, attitude, his own
unique way of perceiving things and seeing the world. Genetic factors, family backgrounds,
varied cultures, environment, current situations play an imperative role in shaping one’s
personality. The way you behave with others reflects your personality. An individual with a
pleasing personality is appreciated and respected by all.
Effective Communication skills play a crucial role in honing one’s personality. Communication
helps individuals to express themselves in the most convincing way. Your thoughts, feelings
and knowledge should be passed on in the most desirable manner and effective communication
skills help you in the same.
A person should speak really well to make a mark of his/her own. Remember, no one would take
you seriously if you do not master the art of expressing yourself clearly and in the most
convincing manner.
Not all people are blessed with excellent communication skills; they acquire the same with time
and practice. People with great communication skills tend to have a better and impressive
personality than those who have problems in communicating as interacting with others is not a
challenge for them. Individuals with effective communication skills can easily converse with
other people around be it their fellow workers, peers, family and so on.
Effective communication skills strengthen the bond among individuals. It is also said to
improve the interpersonal relationships with other people.
Careful selection of words is essential for effective communication skills. You really need to
know what you are speaking. You never know what might hurt the other person. Never even
think of being rude to anyone.
Speak convincingly so that the other person understands what you intend to communicate.
Your style of speaking has a tremendous impact on your personality. Speaking slowly always
helps as it allows you to find appropriate words and also reflects thoughtfulness. Emphasize
important and relevant words for the other person to realize the importance.
Speaking confidently is the key to an impressive and great personality. Do not show signs of
nervousness while interacting with others. There is no point of being nervous unless and until
you yourself are not sure of what you are speaking. Develop proper eye contact with the other
person. Do not look around while interacting with the other person.
Take care of your body language. Correct body language exudes confidence which further
hones an individual’s personality. Do not fiddle with things around while speaking.
Be very particular about the pronunciation of words. If you are not very sure of how to
pronounce a particular word, avoid the same in your speech. Pronouncing words wrongly creates
a bad impression on others.
You really do not need to speak with a fake accent to prove that you have excellent
communication skills. Avoid copying others. An individual should have his/her own style to
stand apart from the rest. Speaking articulately enhances one’s personality and makes him/her
different from others.
Do not play with words. Never try to fool anyone as you might fall in the trap later on. One
should always say things straight to the point.
It is important to be a good and patient listener for effective communication skills. Observe
whether the other person is listening to you or not. Allow the other person to speak as well in
case of queries or confusions.
The process of enhancing one’s personality refers to personality development. An impressive
personality helps an individual to make a mark of his/her own and also stand apart from the
crowd.
Personality development plays an essential role in reducing stress and conflicts not only at the
workplace but also at homes and our personal lives. Personality development teaches an
individual to smile even at the times of crisis or unwanted circumstances.
Flashing your trillion dollar smile not only makes you look good but also makes you popular
among other people. A negative statement, if delivered with a smile does not hurt much.
Individuals who spend maximum part of the day striving hard to accomplish goals and objectives
of organization sometimes even forget to smile. No organization pays you for free. Every
manager expects his team members to deliver their level best.
Individuals who have to work really hard to earn their bread and butter are often under stress.
They seldom enjoy their lives and eventually lose interest in whatever they do. People respond
to stress differently. Personality development sessions help individuals deal with stress in a
mature way. Never adopt a negative attitude in life. Trust me, it will lead you nowhere. There is
absolutely no point crying over spilt milk. Remember “after every dark night comes a bright
morning.”
Never crib over petty issues, rather learn to fight tough times with courage and a smile. Negative
people always have a negative answer for every question. Try to look at the brighter sides of
life. Personality development trainings help you see life from a broader perspective. A positive
attitude goes a long way in reducing stress and making the world a better place to live.
Personality development prepares an individual for even the worst situations and helps him deal
with adverse situations sensibly. Every problem has a solution. You just need to be patient
enough to find an appropriate solution to the problem. Never lose your cool as it will land you in
deeper troubles later on.
Do not spread unnecessary rumours about anyone, be it your manager, fellow workers or anyone
else within the system. Conflicts arise when people backstab each other and spread baseless
stories. One should learn to mind his/her own business. Do not interfere much into anyone else’s
personal life. How would you feel if someone else shows too much interest in your personal life?
Obviously one would feel bad and irritated. Avoid criticizing others. Personality development
plays an imperative role in strengthening the relationship among individuals. Be polite to
everyone. Respect your fellow workers at workplace. You have no rights to hurt or make fun of
any individual irrespective of his/her income, family background, designation or level in the
hierarchy. Readily help others. This way people will speak high of you even in your absence.
You need to respect others to gain respect in return. Be a little flexible and broad minded.
Conflicts also arise when individuals carry their ego and personal grudges to work. There is
absolutely no place for ego at workplaces. You just can’t afford to be rude with your team
members just because you had a fight with your girlfriend previous night.
Learn to be a good human being. Personality development not only develops and enhances your
outer self but also inner self. Do not try to create problems unnecessarily. You need to be a little
adjusting to reduce stress and avoid conflicts.
HOW TO BEHAVE AND REACT IN A PROFFESSIONAL ENVIRONMENT

1. Be of great character. Carry yourself with decency and integrity.

2. Master several skills that make you the go-to-person on your team for these skills.
3. Don’t be afraid to learn new skills.
4. Share your knowledge with peers if they express interest.
5. Be reliable and dependable. Come to work on time, arrive on time and prepared for meetings,
and deliver quality work product by deadline.
6. Maintain a positive attitude and inspire those around you.
7. Take ownership. If you screw up, admit it and fix it if you can. If you can’t, find someone
who can.
8. Be proactive. If you see a need, fill it. If you see a challenge or opportunity coming down the
pike, address it.
9. Be diligent. As stated in item #5, above, deliver the best work product you can on deadline.
The quality of your work speaks volumes about you.
10. Exercise self-discipline. Be sure you are up to your professional best during working hours,
and leave your personal life outside of the office whenever possible.
11. Exude dedication: to quality; to use of resources in the smartest way possible; to professional
growth and development; and most of all, to your company.
12. Put the mission first. Always. It’s not about you or your ego; you are there to work toward
completing the mission, whether it is the mission for this particular job or the company’s
overall mission.
13. Understand important data that defines success in your role. Whether it’s Return on
Investment, or Earnings per Share or Turnover Rate or another data point.
14. Be an efficiency tightwad. Identify ways to save the company money, time and other
resources. Then share them with your supervisor.
15. Pitch in – even when a task is not in your job description but needs to get done because it’s
crunch time for your team. If a supervisor asks, just pitch in and get it done. It’s all about
team work and you never know when you are going to need the help!
16. Don’t whine about problems. Identify opportunities and challenges, and offer solutions, too!
17. Don’t be afraid to advocate an alternative position. Just be sure you can back it up with a
reasoned argument, while keeping your ego in check. Refer back to item #12.
18. Dedicate yourself to transparency and have nothing to hide.
19. Be organized. Know what you’ve got and where it is located. That way, you won’t lose
valuable time because something fell through the cracks.
20. Communicate clearly and concisely. Deliver the facts in as few words as necessary to get the
message across.

HOW TO COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY

The science of communication isn’t hard to understand. Be clear, be compelling and be
responsive. To communicate more effectively, it means doing these three simple things really
well. And that’s where communication becomes incredibly challenging. As a leaders and
employees, we all need to communicate constantly, whether in person, via email or chat, or in
presentations. We also all want to be as clear, compelling, and responsive as possible.
The disconnect occurs because what is clear to you may be completely unclear to your colleague.
Think about a time when a conversation with a colleague or your boss was less effective than
what you’d hoped. I bet you don’t have to look back very far. I can think of several instances in
the last few days…and I’m sure I’m not alone. So why is this? What makes it so hard to grasp
how to best communicate with other people, especially at work?
The biggest difference in communication has to do with the brain and how we’re wired. No
matter who you are, people are thinking across common factors. We know this because we’ve
tested it in the workplace, and because it’s been rooted in solid personality theory. You can take
a look at our technical manual to learn more, but since that’s a pretty dense document, the main
points are that thinking can be characterized in four key dimensions and behavior can be
measured across three different spectrums.
However, even though we’re all accessing these same factors (Analytical, Structural, Social and
Conceptual Thinking and Expressiveness, Assertiveness, and Flexibility Behavior) every person
is using them completely differently. A person who thinks abstractly about issues is tapping into
strong elements of Analytical and Conceptual thinking…they think in big picture ideas, they
want data to back up decisions and they’re concerned more about if the direction is right than in
precisely how things should get done.
On the other hand, a person who thinks in a more concrete factor is pulling from the other two
thinking attributes, Social, and Structural. What does that mean? Well, they actually not only
want the details, but they’ll get energized by putting ideas into action…by understanding who
can make things happen. But they’re going to look for much more depth in the process in order
to feel comfortable.
This is why it so hard to be clear, compelling and responsive. Because clarity looks much
different from one person to the next. What is compelling can be worlds apart. Being responsive
is about listening deeply to other people, who are likely not speaking your language.
However, creating a common language isn’t impossible and becoming a more effective
communicator isn’t either. You don’t have to abandon who you are…because that’s when you’re
at your most compelling and clear. But you do have to understand where others are coming from
and adapt your approach. Here’s how to do it from all facets of the thinking and behavioral
spectrum.

1. Make sure your message is backed up by data: To appeal to Analytical thinkers,

communicating clearly means knowing what you’re talking about. You don’t need mountains
of facts, data and logic, but you do need to be able to back up your ideas and what you’re
saying. Off the cuff won’t work.
2. Create next steps: Structural thinking is built on clarity moving forward. You don’t need to
provide every detail under the sun, but being clear on expectations and next steps or what you
want from your colleagues will make a huge difference.
3. Ask for feedback and involve others: Social thinking is rooted in relationships. You’d think
that by default, communication is about connecting with others. You’d be wrong. Think about
how many times people are talking for themselves and not for those to whom they’re
speaking. Don’t do that—think of the listener.
4. Be visionary, give people a reason to listen: Compelling communication happens when you
believe in an idea and provide the WHY! There’s nothing worse than having no idea why
you’re in a meeting or what a presentation is about. Give people the vision.
5. Express yourself while being open: Expressiveness runs the gamut, from those who are
more quiet to those who are more gregarious. Even if you’re quiet, communication can be
effective, but maybe it’s done through email or 1-on-1. Be open to different ways to
communicate and know that others require that same kind of openness.
6. Drive things ahead and involve others in doing so: Communication can be directive or
inclusive, and both are necessary. Reading the situation is critical to know how to best assert
yourself. Knowing how to actually get stuff done means that communication will be more
effective because your colleagues will see how it is moving forward.
7. Be flexible and understand that changes happen: Communication isn’t a one-and-done
thing. Effective communication is an ongoing process, and that means embracing all facets of
the Flexibility spectrum, from staying the course (and communicating why) to shifting
direction (and communicating why).

What is effective communication?

Effective communication is about more than just exchanging information. It’s about
understanding the emotion and intentions behind the information. As well as being able to
clearly convey a message, you need to also listen in a way that gains the full meaning of what’s
being said and makes the other person feel heard and understood.

Effective communication sounds like it should be instinctive. But all too often, when we try to
communicate with others something goes astray. We say one thing, the other person hears
something else, and misunderstandings, frustration, and conflicts ensue. This can cause problems
in your home, school, and work relationships.

For many of us, communicating more clearly and effectively requires learning some important
skills. Whether you’re trying to improve communication with your spouse, kids, boss, or
coworkers, learning these skills can deepen your connections to others, build greater trust and
respect, and improve teamwork, problem solving, and your overall social and emotional health.

What’s stopping you from communicating effectively?

Common barriers to effective communication include:

Stress and out-of-control emotion. When you’re stressed or emotionally overwhelmed, you’re
more likely to misread other people, send confusing or off-putting nonverbal signals, and lapse
into unhealthy knee-jerk patterns of behavior. To avoid conflict and misunderstandings, you can
learn how to quickly calm down before continuing a conversation.

Lack of focus. You can’t communicate effectively when you’re multitasking. If you’re checking
your phone, planning what you’re going to say next, or daydreaming, you’re almost certain to
miss nonverbal cues in the conversation. To communicate effectively, you need to avoid
distractions and stay focused.

Inconsistent body language. Nonverbal communication should reinforce what is being said, not
contradict it. If you say one thing, but your body language says something else, your listener will
likely feel that you’re being dishonest. For example, you can’t say “yes” while shaking your
head no.

Negative body language. If you disagree with or dislike what’s being said, you might use
negative body language to rebuff the other person’s message, such as crossing your arms,
avoiding eye contact, or tapping your feet. You don’t have to agree with, or even like what’s
being said, but to communicate effectively and not put the other person on the defensive, it’s
important to avoid sending negative signals.

Effective communication skill 1: Become an engaged listener

When communicating with others, we often focus on what we should say. However, effective
communication is less about talking and more about listening. Listening well means not just
understanding the words or the information being communicated, but also understanding the
emotions the speaker is trying to convey.

There’s a big difference between engaged listening and simply hearing. When you really listen—
when you’re engaged with what’s being said—you’ll hear the subtle intonations in someone’s
voice that tell you how that person is feeling and the emotions they’re trying to communicate.
When you’re an engaged listener, not only will you better understand the other person, you’ll
also make that person feel heard and understood, which can help build a stronger, deeper
connection between you.

By communicating in this way, you’ll also experience a process that lowers stress and supports
physical and emotional well-being. If the person you’re talking to is calm, for example, listening
in an engaged way will help to calm you, too. Similarly, if the person is agitated, you can help
calm them by listening in an attentive way and making the person feel understood.

If your goal is to fully understand and connect with the other person, listening in an engaged way
will often come naturally. If it doesn’t, try the following tips. The more you practice them, the
more satisfying and rewarding your interactions with others will become.

Tips for becoming an engaged listener

Focus fully on the speaker. You can’t listen in an engaged way if you’re constantly checking
your phone or thinking about something else. You need to stay focused on the moment-to-
moment experience in order to pick up the subtle nuances and important nonverbal cues in a
conversation. If you find it hard to concentrate on some speakers, try repeating their words over
in your head—it’ll reinforce their message and help you stay focused.

Favor your right ear. As strange as it sounds, the left side of the brain contains the primary
processing centers for both speech comprehension and emotions. Since the left side of the brain
is connected to the right side of the body, favoring your right ear can help you better detect the
emotional nuances of what someone is saying.

Avoid interrupting or trying to redirect the conversation to your concerns. By saying

something like, “If you think that’s bad, let me tell you what happened to me.” Listening is not
the same as waiting for your turn to talk. You can’t concentrate on what someone’s saying if
you’re forming what you’re going to say next. Often, the speaker can read your facial
expressions and know that your mind’s elsewhere.

Show your interest in what’s being said. Nod occasionally, smile at the person, and make sure
your posture is open and inviting. Encourage the speaker to continue with small verbal
comments like “yes” or “uh huh.”

Try to set aside judgment. In order to communicate effectively with someone, you don’t have
to like them or agree with their ideas, values, or opinions. However, you do need to set aside
your judgment and withhold blame and criticism in order to fully understand them. The most
difficult communication, when successfully executed, can often lead to an unlikely connection
with someone.

Provide feedback. If there seems to be a disconnect, reflect what has been said by paraphrasing.
“What I’m hearing is,” or “Sounds like you are saying,” are great ways to reflect back. Don’t
simply repeat what the speaker has said verbatim, though—you’ll sound insincere or
unintelligent. Instead, express what the speaker’s words mean to you. Ask questions to clarify
certain points: “What do you mean when you say…” or “Is this what you mean?”

Hear the emotion behind the words

It’s the higher frequencies of human speech that impart emotion. You can become more attuned
to these frequencies—and thus better able to understand what others are really saying—by
exercising the tiny muscles of your middle ear (the smallest in the body). You can do this by
singing, playing a wind instrument, or listening to certain types of high-frequency music (a
Mozart symphony or violin concerto, for example, rather than low-frequency rock, pop, or hip-
hop).

Skill 2: Pay attention to nonverbal signals

The way you look, listen, move, and react to another person tells them more about how you’re
feeling than words alone ever can. Nonverbal communication, or body language, includes facial
expressions, body movement and gestures, eye contact, posture, the tone of your voice, and even
your muscle tension and breathing.

Developing the ability to understand and use nonverbal communication can help you connect
with others, express what you really mean, navigate challenging situations, and build better
relationships at home and work.

 You can enhance effective communication by using open body language—arms

uncrossed, standing with an open stance or sitting on the edge of your seat, and
maintaining eye contact with the person you’re talking to.
 You can also use body language to emphasize or enhance your verbal message—
patting a friend on the back while complimenting him on his success, for example, or
pounding your fists to underline your message.

Improve how you read nonverbal communication

Be aware of individual differences. People from different countries and cultures tend to use
different nonverbal communication gestures, so it’s important to take age, culture, religion,
gender, and emotional state into account when reading body language signals. An American
teen, a grieving widow, and an Asian businessman, for example, are likely to use nonverbal
signals differently.

Look at nonverbal communication signals as a group. Don’t read too much into a single
gesture or nonverbal cue. Consider all of the nonverbal signals you receive, from eye contact to
tone of voice to body language. Anyone can slip up occasionally and let eye contact go, for
example, or briefly cross their arms without meaning to. Consider the signals as a whole to get a
better “read” on a person.

Improve how you deliver nonverbal communication

Use nonverbal signals that match up with your words rather than contradict them. If you say
one thing, but your body language says something else, your listener will feel confused or
suspect that you’re being dishonest. For example, sitting with your arms crossed and shaking
your head doesn’t match words telling the other person that you agree with what they’re saying.

Adjust your nonverbal signals according to the context. The tone of your voice, for example,
should be different when you’re addressing a child than when you’re addressing a group of
adults. Similarly, take into account the emotional state and cultural background of the person
you’re interacting with.

Avoid negative body language. Instead, use body language to convey positive feelings, even
when you’re not actually experiencing them. If you’re nervous about a situation—a job
interview, important presentation, or first date, for example—you can use positive body language
to signal confidence, even though you’re not feeling it. Instead of tentatively entering a room
with your head down, eyes averted, and sliding into a chair, try standing tall with your shoulders
back, smiling and maintaining eye contact, and delivering a firm handshake. It will make you
feel more self-confident and help to put the other person at ease.

Skill 3: Keep stress in check

How many times have you felt stressed during a disagreement with your spouse, kids, boss,
friends, or coworkers and then said or done something you later regretted? If you can quickly
relieve stress and return to a calm state, you’ll not only avoid such regrets, but in many cases
you’ll also help to calm the other person as well. It’s only when you’re in a calm, relaxed state
that you’ll be able to know whether the situation requires a response, or whether the other
person’s signals indicate it would be better to remain silent.

In situations such as a job interview, business presentation, high-pressure meeting, or

introduction to a loved one’s family, for example, it’s important to manage your emotions, think
on your feet, and effectively communicate under pressure.

Communicate effectively by staying calm under pressure

Use stalling tactics to give yourself time to think. Ask for a question to be repeated or for
clarification of a statement before you respond.

Pause to collect your thoughts. Silence isn’t necessarily a bad thing—pausing can make you
seem more in control than rushing your response.
Communicate effectively by staying calm under pressure

Make one point and provide an example or supporting piece of information. If your response
is too long or you waffle about a number of points, you risk losing the listener’s interest.
Follow one point with an example and then gauge the listener’s reaction to tell if you should
make a second point.

Deliver your words clearly. In many cases, how you say something can be as important as
what you say. Speak clearly, maintain an even tone, and make eye contact. Keep your body
language relaxed and open.

Wrap up with a summary and then stop. Summarize your response and then stop talking,
even if it leaves a silence in the room. You don’t have to fill the silence by continuing to talk.

Quick stress relief for effective communication

When a conversation starts to get heated, you need something quick and immediate to bring
down the emotional intensity. By learning to quickly reduce stress in the moment, you can safely
take stock of any strong emotions you’re experiencing, regulate your feelings, and behave
appropriately.

Recognize when you’re becoming stressed. Your body will let you know if you’re stressed as
you communicate. Are your muscles or stomach tight? Are your hands clenched? Is your breath
shallow? Are you “forgetting” to breathe?

Take a moment to calm down before deciding to continue a conversation or postpone it.

Bring your senses to the rescue. The best way to rapidly and reliably relieve stress is through
the senses—sight, sound, touch, taste, smell—or movement. For example, you could pop a
peppermint in your mouth, squeeze a stress ball in your pocket, take a few deep breaths, clench
and relax your muscles, or simply recall a soothing, sensory-rich image. Each person responds
differently to sensory input, so you need to find a coping mechanism that is soothing to you.

Look for humor in the situation. When used appropriately, humor is a great way to relieve
stress when communicating. When you or those around you start taking things too seriously, find
a way to lighten the mood by sharing a joke or an amusing story.

Be willing to compromise. Sometimes, if you can both bend a little, you’ll be able to find a
happy middle ground that reduces the stress levels for everyone concerned. If you realize that the
other person cares much more about an issue than you do, compromise may be easier for you and
a good investment for the future of the relationship.
Agree to disagree, if necessary, and take time away from the situation so everyone can calm
down. Go for a stroll outside if possible, or spend a few minutes meditating. Physical movement
or finding a quiet place to regain your balance can quickly reduce stress.

Skill 4: Assert yourself

Direct, assertive expression makes for clear communication and can help boost your self-esteem
and decision-making skills. Being assertive means expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs
in an open and honest way, while standing up for yourself and respecting others. It does NOT
mean being hostile, aggressive, or demanding. Effective communication is always about
understanding the other person, not about winning an argument or forcing your opinions on
others.

To improve your assertiveness:

Value yourself and your options. They are as important as anyone else’s.

Know your needs and wants. Learn to express them without infringing on the rights of
others

Express negative thoughts in a positive way. It’s OK to be angry, but you must remain
respectful as well.

Receive feedback positively. Accept compliments graciously, learn from your mistakes, ask
for help when needed.

Learn to say “no.” Know your limits and don’t let others take advantage of you. Look for
alternatives so everyone feels good about the outcome.

Developing assertive communication techniques

Empathetic assertion conveys sensitivity to the other person. First, recognize the other person’s
situation or feelings, then state your needs or opinion. “I know you’ve been very busy at work,
but I want you to make time for us as well.”

Escalating assertion can be employed when your first attempts are not successful. You become
increasingly firm as time progresses, which may include outlining consequences if your needs
are not met. For example, “If you don’t abide by the contract, I’ll be forced to pursue legal
action.”
Practice assertiveness in lower risk situations to help build up your confidence. Or ask friends
or family if you can practice assertiveness techniques on them first.