J

PROJECT
Managers
SHOULD

O KNOW

K
E
Image courtesy of rakratchada torsap / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
S
 The
MECHANIC
A project manager, hardware engineer and software engineer
were in a car heading down a hill when the brakes failed. The
driver managed to get it stopped by using the gears and a
convenient dirt track.

All three jumped out and after peering under the car the hardware
engineer said,
"I see what the problem is and with this handy roll of duct tape I
think I can fix it good enough to get us to the next town".

The project manager quickly interrupted,

"No, no, no. Before we do anything we need to decide on a vision
for our future, figure out a plan and assign individual
deliverables".

At which point the software engineer said,

"You know what, I think we should push the car back up to the top
of the hill and see if it happens again".

http://blogs.msdn.com/saraford/archive/2004/06/14/155399.aspx10
 The
Glass To the
PROJECT
To the To the MANAGER,
OPTIMIST, PESSIMIST, the glass is
the glass is the glass is twice as big as
half full half empty it needs to be!

Image courtesy of Carlos Porto / FreeDigitalPhotos.nethttp://www.businessballs.com

The
SALESMAN
Question:
"What is the difference between a Project
Manager and a used car salesman?"

The answer:
"The used car salesman always knows
when he is lying."

http://www.asapm.org
The PM’s
KNOWLEDGE

Question:
When do we really know how long it will
take to complete the project?

Answer:
After we are done!

-- http://www.simpleprojectmanagement.com
 The
GENIE
A project manager, a software developer, and a
hardware engineer came across a lamp.

As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says…

"I will grant each of you one wish."

The hardware engineer says,

"I want to spend the rest of my life living in a huge
mansion with no money worries and surrounded by
beautiful women who worship me.“
The genie grants his wish.

The software developer says..

"I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a yacht
cruising the Caribbean, no money worries and
surrounded by beautiful women who worship me."
The genie grants his wish.

Then it is the project manager's says...

"I want them both back after lunch"
http://asocialstudies.wordpress.com/2006/09/22/pmp-joke/
 The
HOT AIR BALLOON
A woman was lost in a hot air balloon. She spotted someone.
She shouted, "Hey, I don't know where I am. Can you help me?“

The man responded, "You're about twenty feet above the ground,
three miles East of the Mississippi River.“

"You must be a Geologist," the woman replied.

"Why yes!" said the man, "How did you know?".

"Everything you have told me is true, but I do not know what to
do with this information. You haven't been any help at all," she
explained.

"Ah, you are a Project Manager," noted the man.

"Yes, I am a Project Manager. How did you know?" she asked.

"You have no idea where you are or where you are going. You've
gotten to where you are now due to a lot of hot air. And now you
expect me to fix your situation. You are in the same situation now as
you were before I came along, but somehow this is my fault!"
http://www.brighthubpm.com/methods-strategies/14022-top-five-project-management-jokes/
 The
BODY PARTS
The body parts argue over who should be in charge.
The brain says he should be in charge because he keeps
everything running.
The blood says he should be in charge because he delivers oxygen to
everything else.

The stomach says he should be in charge because he provides energy.

Suddenly, the rectum speaks up and says he should be in charge because he is

in charge of getting rid of waste.

They all laugh at the rectum and call him names.

Frustrated, the rectum shuts down and stops working.

Soon the brain is hurting, the stomach is all bloated, and the blood is full of
toxins. So, they give in and let the rectum be in charge.

You do not always have to be smart to be in charge, just an a**hole.

http://www.brighthubpm.com/methods-strategies/14022-top-five-project-management-jokes/
The
TALKING FROG
A project manager was out walking in the countryside one day
when he found a talking frog.

The frog said, "Hey, if you kiss me I’ll turn into a beautiful
princess, and I’ll stay with you for a week as your mistress.“
The project manager took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it,
and put it back into his pocket.

The frog called out once more, "If you kiss me and turn me back
into a princess, I’ll stay with you for as long as you wish and do
absolutely anything that you want."
Again, the project manager took the frog out of his pocket,
smiled at it and put it back.

Finally, the frog demanded, "What’s the matter? You can turn me
back into a beautiful princess, and I’ll stay with you forever and
do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?“

The project manager replied, "I’m a project manager. I simply

don’t have time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog….that’s cool."

http://fearnoproject.com/tag/jokes/
 The
GOLFER
A pastor, a doctor and a project manager were playing and were
waiting for a particularly slow group ahead. The project manager
exclaimed, "What's with these people? We've been waiting over
half and hour! It's a complete disgrace."

They spotted a green keeper and asked him what was going on. The
green keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so
we always let them play for free anytime."

The three golfers fell silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "Oh dear, that's so sad. I shall say some special
prayers for them tonight." The doctor added, rather meekly, "That's
a good thought. I'll get in touch with an ophthalmic surgeon friend
of mine to see if there's anything that can be done for them."

After pondering the situation for a few seconds, the project

manager turned to the green keeper and asked, "Why can't they
play at night?"

http://www.cvr-it.com/PM_Jokes.htm
The
TITANIC
What is the favorite line that
the project manager likes to
say to the sponsor?

.
.
.
.
.

"You jump, I jump!“