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“To love oneself,” wrote Oscar Wilde, “is the beginning of a life-long romance.” As is the tale of
every love story, times will bring both sun and storm, testing our deepest intentions on how we
relate to ourselves. Love comes easy on good days, when our self-esteem stands tall on our
accomplishments. It’s when we fall that our self-directed goodwill often deserts us. Suddenly, we
remember all our faults. Our internal monologue muds with harsh judgments. We blame and
shame ourselves for our pain. We abandon ourselves and look to whoever (and whatever) would
give us comfort. One way to winning back our own hearts and reclaiming our well-being is
through self-compassion.  

As a concept derived from Buddhist psychology, self-compassion entails treating oneself with
kindness and care, like we would treat a dear friend. Kristin Neff, one of the leading self-
compassion researchers, has identified 3 main components of self-compassion: self-kindness,
feelings of common humanity, and mindfulness. Self-kindness refers to acting in kind and
understanding ways towards ourselves. For example, instead of being critical (I’m so
disorganized! I’ll never be successful!), our inner voice is supportive and warm (It’s OK that I
missed the deadline. I worked hard and I’ll make it next time). A sense of common humanity is
the recognition that everyone makes mistakes and no one is without their weaknesses. Accepting
that we are not alone in our suffering comforts us with feelings of inclusivity rather than
alienation. Finally, mindfulness offers a “meta-perspective” on our hardships, helping us to not
exaggerate our distress and become engulfed by it.
Source: Marianna Pogosyan

A wealth of research has shown the positive consequences of self-compassion on numerous

aspects of our wellbeing, including a greater life satisfaction, emotional intelligence,
interconnectedness with others, wisdom, curiosity, happiness and optimism. Self-compassion is
also associated with less self-criticism, depression, anxiety, fear of failure, and perfectionism
(Neff, 2009). Importantly, to reap the benefits of self-compassion, we don’t need to compare
ourselves to others or inflate our egos. Thus, self-compassion can lead to greater emotional
resilience, since unlike self-esteem, our heightened feelings of self-worth will not be contingent
on our successes.

Strategies for increasing self-compassion

Chris Germer, a clinical psychologist and co-founder of the Mindful Self-Compassion training
program, has been witnessing firsthand the transformative power of self-compassion among his
clients. He views self-compassion as an antidote to the habitual threat-based reactions (fight,
flight, freeze) that people have when things go wrong. Instead of becoming self-critical (fight),
abandoning ourselves (flight) or getting stuck with “why me?” ruminations (freeze), self-
compassion gently turns us towards self-care.
Here are some behavioral and mental strategies from Germer on how to increase self-
compassion.

Just as you would with a dear friend who is struggling, ask yourself this question:

“What do I need?”

Surprisingly, as Germer points out, we are not very good at answering this question for ourselves
when we feel under threat. When you can’t identify your needs, asking yourself the next question
can help you towards the right direction: