Act One The tizing-room of the Brents’ counter home. Wednesday afiernoon. (Grand ‘Theatre, Weston-super-Mare. Monday 14 January.) From the estate agent's description of the frroperty> : A delightfiil 16th -centwery posset mill, 25 miles from London. Lortiigly converted, old-world atmosphere, many period features. Fully eqsipped with exery aad to modem teing and beautifully furnished throughout by ower now! resident abroad. Ideal for overseas compan) seeking perfect English setting to house senior executive. Mintnoum three inantivs" let. ulppbr sale agents: Square, Squire, Harkham and Dudley. ‘The accommodation: comprises: an open-plan, living area, coith a statroase leading toa gallery, A notable feature 1s the extensive range of entrances and. exits provided. On the gol lor the front door gives ances to the mature garden and delighiful village beyond: Another door traly to the elegant panelled study, and a third to the tight and ater modern sercice quarters. A fourth doer opens into a berurians bathrourn/ WC suite, and ¢ fill-tength south-facing window affords extensive views. On the gallery level is the door to the master bedraam, and nother ta «sonal! but well-proportianed linen cae A corridor ives access to all the other rooms in the upher parts of ‘the house. Another beautifully equipped bathroom / WC suite opens off the landing hadfieray ufr the stairs: Al i all. & siperd example of the traditional English set-builder’s craft —a place where the discerning theatvegoer will feel instantly at home. Introductory music. As the curtain rises, the award-winning modern jelephone is ringing. Enter from the service quarters Mirs Clackett; a housekeeper of character. She tt carrying an impuninig plain of sardines. Mre Clackett {i's no good you going on. 1 can’t open _ sardines und answer the phone, I've only got one pair of feet.12 Noises OFF | ‘She pats. the sardines doccm om the telepharce table by the sofa, and picks up the phone. Hello’. . . Yes; but there’snoone here, love ... No; Mr Brent's not here .. He lives here: yes, bot he don’t live here now because he lives in Spain. ...Mr Philip Brent, that's tight... The one who writes the plays, that’s him, only now. he writes them in Spain . .. No, she’s in Spain, roa, theyre all in Spain, there's no. one here... Am Jin Spain? No, 'm not in Spain, dear. T look after the house forthem, bur T go home at one o'clock on Wednesday, only I've got a nice plate of sardines to put my feet up wath, becatse it's the royal what's it called on the telly — the royal you know— where's the paper, then .. =? She picks up the newspaper Hning on the sofa and searches tn it, ... And if it’s to. do with letting the house then you'll have to ring the house agents, because they're the agents. for the house... Squire, Squire, Hackham and who's the other one «+? No, they're not in Spain, they're next to the phone in the study, Squire, Squire, Hackham, and hold on. I'll go. and look, She replaces the recetiur. OF so the stage-ditections say in Robin Hanseminger’s play, Nothing On. Jn fact, Hough, she puts the recemer down beside the phone instead, Always the same, isn’Lit. Soon as you take the weight off your feet, down it all comes-on your head. Exit Mrs Clackett into thy study, still holding the newspaper. Or.s0 the Stage direction says. In fact, she maxes off holding the plate of Sardines tstead of the newspaper. Ax whe does so, Dotty Orley, the adiréss tbko is playing the part of Mrs Clackett, comes out of character to comment on the move, Dotty And | take the sardines. No, I leave the sardines. No, I take the sardines.ActOne 15 The disembodied voice of Lloyd Dallas, the director af Nothing On, replies jrom somethere out mn the darkness of the auditorium, Lieyd You leave the sardines and you put the receiver back, Dotty Oh yes, I put the receiver back. She puis the recetwer back anil moves off agein weaith the sardine’, Lloyd = And you leave ihe sardines, Dotty And I /kae the sardines? Lloyd = You lea the sardines. Dotty | put the receiver back and I leave the sardines. Lleyd Right. Dotty We've changed that, have we, love? Lloyd No, love. Dotty ‘That's what I’ve always been doing? Lloyd | shouldn't say that, Dowty, my precious. Dotty How about the words, love? Am I getting some of them right? Lloyd = Some of them have @ very familiar ring. Dotty Only it’s like a fruit machine in there. Lleyd [know that, Dotty. Dory Lopen my mouth, and I never know if it’s going 10 come out three oranges or two lerions-and a banana. Lloyd Anyway, it’s not midnight yet. We don’t open ull tomorrow, So you're holding the receiver. Dotty I'm holding the reesiver, Lloyd ‘Squire, Squire, Hackham and, holdon.,.’ Dotty: resumes her performance as Mrs Clackett.14 Noises OfF Mrs Clackete Squire, Squire, Hackhem and. bold on, don't go away, ['m putting it doves. She replaces the receiver. Always the same, isn'ta. Put your feet wp fornwo minutes and immediately they come running after you. ‘Exit Mars Clackert tito the siady, wil holding the nemawpiper, Only she isn’t holding the nexespaper. | The sonnd off @ key in the lock: Lieyd Hold it. The front daor opens. On the doorstep stands Roger. Selim ¢ cardboard box. He is about thirty and has the well-ateesnted arr of a man rela handles high-class real esteste. Roger ... [have a housekeeper_yes, but this is her alternoon off, Llayd Hold it, G Enter Viedsi through the front door. She is a desirable property ih her carly twenties, well-built and beautifully mamiaimed throughout, Dorr! Roger So we've got the place entirely to ourselves. Lloyd = Hold it, Brooke. Dotty! Enter Dotty from the study, Dotty Come back? Lloyd = Yes, and go out again with the newspaper. Dotty The newspaper? Oh, the newspaper. Lloyd = You put the receiver back, you leave the sardines and you go aut with the newspaper. Garry Here you are, love, Dotty Sorry, love.ActOne 15 Garry (embyaces her) Don't worry, love. It's only the technical. Lloyd I's the dress, Garry, honey. It's the dress rehearsal, Garry So when was.the technical? Lloyd = So when’s the dress? We open tomorrow! Garry Well, we're all thinking of ivas the technical, (To Dotty.) Aren't we, love? Dotty It's all those words, my sweetheart, Garry Don'tworry about the words, Dotty, my pet. Dotiy Coming up bke oranges and lemons, Garry Listen, Douy, your words are fine, your words are better than the, do you know what I mean? (Jo Brooke.) Isn’t that right? Brooke (Her thoughts elsewhere) Sorry? Garry (to Dotty) 1 mean, OK, so he’s the, you know. Fine. But, Dotey, love, you've been playing this kind of part for, well, you know what Lmean. Lloyd All night? So Garry and Brooke are off, Dotty's holding the receiver... Garry No, but here we are, we're all thinking, my God, we open tomorrow, we've only had a formight to rehearse, we don't know where weare, but my God, here we are! Dotty That's right, my sweet. Isn'rthat right, Lieve? Lleyd = Beautifully put, Garry. Garry No. [nat we've got to play Weston-super-Mare all the rest of this week, then Yeovil, then God knows where, then God knows where else, and so on for God knows how long, and we're all of us fecling pretty much, you know... | To Brooke.) I mean, aren't yan? Brooke Sorry?16 Noises OF Lioeyd Anyway, you're off, Dotty’s halding the receiver... Garry Sorry, Lloyd. But sometimes you just have to come right out with it. You know? Lloyd | know: Garry Thanks, Lloyd. Lloyd OK, Garry. So you're off... Garry Lloyd, let me just say one thing. Since we" stopped. ve worked with a lot of directors, Lloyd. Some of them were geniuses, Some of them were bastards, But I've hever met one who was so totally and absolutely... [ don’t kriow. .. Lleyd = Thank you, Garry. I'm very touched, Now will you get off the fucking stage? Exit Garry through the front door. Lloyd And, Brooke ... Brooke Yes? Lieyd = Are you in? Brooke In? Lloyd Are you there? Brooke What? Lloyd = You're out. OK I'll call again. And on we go. Exit Brooke though the front door. Loyd = So there you are, holding the receiver. Dotty So there | receiver back and I 1. holding the receiver. T pur the ave the sardines. [ tes Glackett Always the same story, isn’tit. . . Lloyd = And you take the newspaper. Ste vomes back, ond picks up the newspaper cand the recetcer.ActOne 17 Dotty | leave the sardines, 1 take the newspaper. = Mrs Clackett Always the same story, ist’ Lit. It's a weight aff your mind, isa load off your stomach. Dotty And off'ar last Igo. Lloyd Leaving the receiver. She replaces the receiver and goes off into the study, Enter Roger ar before, with the cardhoard box, Roger | ., [have a housckecper, yes, but this is her afiernoon off Enter Viel ax before. Roger So we've got the place entirely to ourselves. Roger ges hack and brings’ in a flight bay, and closes the frunt door, Vil just check. Heopens the door to the sereice yuarters, Vicki gazes rovnd, Roger Hello? Anyone at home? Closes the door. No, there’s no one here. So what de you think? WVieki Great. And this is all yours? Roger Justa little shack in the woods, really. Converted posset mull. Sixteenth-century, Vicki [It must have cost a bomb. Reger Well, one has to have somewhere to entertain one’s business associates. Someone.coming at four o'clock. in fact. Arab sheikh, Oil. You know, Vicki Right. And I've got to-get those files to. our Basingstoke office by four. Roger Yes, we'll only just manage to fit it in. 1 mean, we'll only just do it. Imean. ..16 Noises OF Vicki Right, then. Roger {pdiing dene the box and opening the flight hex We won't bother to chill the champagne. Vicki All these doors! Roger Qh, only a handful. really, (Ae opens the nariows doors one «fier another iu demonstrate.) Study... Riiehen... And a seli-contained service Nar for the housekeeper. Vicki Terrific, And which one’s the... ? Roger What? | Vicki You know... Roger The usual offices? Through here. (Me opens the dorenstairy bathroom doar for er.) Vicki Fantastic. Exit Wield into the bathvoom. Eater Mrs Clackett from the study, evithout the newspaper. Mrs Clackett Now I've lost the sardines... Mutual surprise Roger closes ihe dowr to the hathroom and slips the champagne back into the bag. Roger [in sorry. I thought there was no one here. Mrs Clackern [Pm not here. I'm off, only it’s the royal you know, where diey wear those hats, and they're all covered in fruit, and whe are you? Roger I'm from the agents. Mrs Clackett From the agents? Roger Squire, Squire, Hackham and Dudley. Mrs Clackett Oh. Which one arc you, then? Squire, Squire, Hackhana, or Dudley? Roger ['m Tramplernain.Act One 19 Mrs Clackett Walking in here as if you owned the place! Tthought you was a burglar. Roger No, L just dropped in to - . . go into a few things . .. The bathroom door opens, Roger clases i, Well, to check some of the measurements... The bathroom door opens. Roger clases if. Do one or two odd jobs... The bathroom door opens. Rager closes it. Oh, and a client. I'm showing a prospective tenant over the house. The bathroom door opens. Vicki What's wrong with this door? Roger clases it, Roger She's thinking of renting it. Her interest is definitely aroused. Baler Vicki, from bathroom. Vicki That's not the bedroom. ? No, that's the downstairs bathroorn the housekeeper, Mrs Grackett, Roger The bedroor and WC suite. And thi Mrs Clackett Clackert, dear, Clackett. Vicki Oh. Hi. Roger She's not really here. Mrs Clackett Only it’s the royal, you know, with the hats, Roger (fo Mrs Clackett) Don't worry about us. Mrs Clackett (picks up tle sardines) VM have the sound an low. | Roger We'll just inspect the house.= 20 Noises OfF Mrs Clackett Only now I've lost the newspaper. Exii Mrs Clackett into the siudy, carrying the sardines. Only she teaver them behind. Loyd Sardines! Roger I'm sorry about this Vicki ‘That's ull right. We don’t want the television, do we? Lloyd = Sarclines! Enter Dotty fiom tle stiedy., Dotty I've forgotten ihe sardines, Garry Lloyd! These sardines! '‘They‘re driving us all mad! Lloyd Something wrong with the sardines? Poppy! Garry There's four plates of sardines coming on in Act One alone! They go here, they go there. Ske takes tiem — 1 take them. (To Brooke.) [ mean, don’t you feel, you know? Brooke (¢lsecehere again) Sorry? Garry ‘The sardines. Brooke What sardines? Enter Poppy, the assistant stage manager, from the wings. Poppy Change the sardines? Lloyd Make it tour grilled turbot, Ol the bone. Garry (fo Lloyd) OK, it’s all right for you, You're sitting our there. We're up here. We've gat to de it, Plus we've got bags, we've got boxes. Plus doors, Plus words, You know what I mea Doty We're not getting at you, Poppy, love. We think the sardines are lovely. Ga Tm just trying to, you know; ry J yg to. yActOne 21 Lloyd So what dy you want to change, Garry? The bags? The boxes? The doors? Dotty We can’t start changing things now, love! I'm just saying: Wards. Doors, Bags, Boxes, Sardines. Us. OK? I've made my point? Lileyd = You certainly have, Garry. Got that, Poppy? Poppy Um. Well. Lloyd = Right. On we go. From Dotty’s exit. And Poppy. . . Poppy Yes? Lloyd = Don’t let this happen again. Poppy Ob. No. ut Poppy into the wings, Garry Sorry, Lloyd. | just thought we ought to, do you know what I mean? Lieyd Of course, Garry Better out than, you know. Lloyd = Much better. As long as Dotry’s happy. Dotty Absolutely happy, Lloyd, my love. She goes to the study door, Lieyd Will youdo something for me then, Dotty, my precious? Dotty Anything, Lloyd, my sweet. Lloyd Take the sardines off with you. Eat Mrs Clackett into study, carping the sardines. Roger I'm sorry about this: Vicki That's all right. We don’t want the television, da =?22) Noises OF Roger Only she’s been in the family for generations. Vicki Great. Come on, then. (She starts upstairs.) P've cot to be in Basingstoke Iny four. Roger Perhaps we should just have a glas of champagne. Vicki We'll take tt up with us, Roger Yes. Well .. Vicki And con't ler my tiles our of sight. Roger No. Only _. Vieki What? Roger Well... Vicki Her? Roger She jay been in the family lor generations. Enter Mrs Glackett from the study, sith the nesispaper but twithoul the sardines. Mrs Clackett Sardines... Sardines... 14 not forme - of course, dear, only [ will just say this: don’, chink about it—take the phinge. You'll really enjoy it here. Vicki Oh. Great. Mrs Clackett (io Roger) Won't she, love? Roger Yes. Well. Yes! Mrs Clackett {/0 Vicki) And we'll enjoy having you. (To Roger.) Won't we, love? Roger Oh. Well. Vicki ‘[ertific, Mrs Clackert Sardines, sardines. Gan't put your feet up on an empty stomach, can you. Fixit Mirs Clackett fy service quarters.AetOne 23 Vieki You see? She thinks it’s great. She's even making us sardines! Roger Well... Vicki | think she’s terrific. Roger Terrific. Wieki So which way? Roger (picking up the bags) All right. Before she comes back with the sardines. Vieki Up here? Roger Yes, yee. Vieki In here? Roger Yes, yes: yes. Excunt Roger and Viel indo mezzanine buthroum. Vicki (off) It’s another bathroom- They reappear. Roger No, no, n0. Vicki Always trying to get me into bathrooms, Roger | mean in jw. He nods al the next door — the first along the gallery, Wiel leads the wey in. Roger jollnws. Vicki Oh, black sheets! (Ste produces ane.) Roger It's the airing cupboard. (Fe throws the sheet back.) ‘This one, this one. He drops the bag and box, and struggles nervously to oper the second door alone ihe gallery, the bedroom, Wicki Oh, you're in areal state! You can’teven get the door open. | Bxcunt Roger and Vicki into the bedroom.24 Noises OF Only they can't, because the bedroom door won't oper. The sound of a key in the tock, and the front door opens. On the doorstep stands Philip, carrying a cardboard box. He iv we his forties, With a deep suntan, and writes athactine mete plays with a chenming period almosphere, Philip... No, it’s Mrs Clackett’s afternoon olf, remember. Lloyd = Hold it. Enter Flavia, sarying a flight bug like Roger's. Slur av in her thirties, the perfect companion piece to the abeve. Lloyd Hold it. Philip We've got the place entirely to ourselves. | Philip closes the door. Only the door 1u0n’t stay closed. A pouie, while Garry strauples to open the door upsiars, and Frederick strugiles tn close de doar downsteirs. Lloyd = And Gor said, Hold i. And they held it. And Godt saw that it.was terrible, Garry (lo Frederick and Belinda, the actir and actress paying Philip and Flavia) Sorry, loves, this door won't open, Belinda Sorry, love, this door won't close. Woyd And God said, Poppy!" Frederick Sorry, everyone. Am I doing something wrong? You know how stupid 1am about doors. Belinda Freddie, my sweet, you're doing it perfectly. Frederick As long as it’s not me that’s broken it, Enter Poppy from the wings, Lloyd = And there was Poppy. And God said, Be fruitful and multiply, and fetch ‘L'im te fix the doors: