A Peaceful Country 

I do remember the days I stood at my door, 

I was younger then, 
And unlike my other friends’ dads 
You looked something of a part-time dad to me 
I was younger then 
Confused, 
Why you had to leave after staying for fifteen to twenty days with maa and me 
Your uniform different from anything I’d ever seen, 
Maa told me you serve our country 
And I questioned each time 
Why you couldn’t serve the country from right here 
From our home 
I was younger then. 
Dad, I was always mad at you 
Each time you left for the borders 
To protect it, 
The grief was always different, always new. 
I wanted your time. 
For you to prioritize my existence over all others 
I wanted your time 
And though every action of mine  
Reflected how much you meant to me, 
I never got to tell you I loved you 
I never said it out loud. 
And although it was reflected 
In every canvas I painted or doodles I drew 
I ​never s​ aid it out loud 
I kept it like a guarded secret 
You were my only weakness 
I never said that dad, 
I love you 
I’m older now 
And as I read your letter for the 67​th​ time 
I can't move 
I feel paralyzed 
And I don’t know what to say or do 
You say you’re not returning home this year 
 And that you wish you could tell me and maa 
That you’re okay 
And that all’s going to be fine 
And that you’ll be gone only for a while 
But you’re not going to return, 
I know that, 
I’m older now 
You say I’ll have to take good care of maa 
Like I always have 
I’m older now 
You say, I’m older now 
And I still cannot believe this 
And I still feel like you’ll be away  
But just for a while, 
Then come back home to us 
Just come back home dad 
Just come back home 
The newsreader said that day 
“Ours, is a peaceful country” 
That jawans like you protect us, 
But dad, who was protecting you 
You said you were proud of what you do 
-did, what you did 
And you were always there  
If not physically 
And I secretly admired you 
No matter what happened, you’d always come through 
And I want to tell you 
How much I love you 
And as I read your letter, 
with cloudy eyes 
For the 70​th​ time 
The newsreader on the TV says 
“Ours, is a peaceful country” 
And I get up from that chair, 
And leave. 
 
 
Swastika Thakur, 26.4.19