Rewrite the Stars

Summary: “It took approximately 1 week for Barclay to realise he kept on accidentally flirting with
the Agent. It took him another 2 to realise the agent was flirting back. It took him much less time
than that to know he was Absolutely Fucked.”

Aka: Barclay Absolutely Can Not Date the federal agent staying in Amnesty Lodge, no matter how
nice and attractive he is.

An: This was not the first TAZ fic I expected to be posting, but it was the first TAZ fic that demanded
you be written. Sternclay is Iconic and I almost cried when Griffin confirmed that it had been his
intention. This is inspired by my love of this duo and also my personal knowledge that even if you try
to avoid it, when you’re in the situation of liking someone and <i>knowing</i>they know and that
they like you back, even if you’re not officially dating you might as well be. I may have been a wee
baby of 14 when I was in that situation (hence us not actually being dating, I did Not Feel Ready) but
I almost fuckin decked my ‘friend’ when she kept on flirting with the guy, and he’d kissed me on the
cheek before we actually dated and at 14 that’s as good as being married. Title is obviously from
“Rewrite the Stars” in The Greatest Showman because while that movie does not own my historical
accuracy and not glorifying horrible people heart, it does own my 11 years of dancing and loving
musical theatre heart, and rewrite the stars is like.... the Entire Reason this was written. Tbh there’s
a few songs from that movie that feel like they could be thinly veiled metaphors for being gay (or, I
guess, dating the very cryptid you were sent by the FBI to hunt), but that might just be me. Or the
fact that the point of the movie is that it’s okay to live outside of the boundaries society places for
us. Either works.

Fic:

Barclay knew it was wrong. He hadn’t even needed Mama’s warning that just because Agent Stern
had proven himself to not be a massive dick over the half year or so he’d been living in the lodge
didn’t mean he wasn’t going call the rest of the feds in the minute he got any more concrete proof
to tell him that. He’d known it since the agent turned up at Amnesty Lodge all those months ago and
his first reaction was to think ‘Oh, fuck’, but in the ‘why am I so gay’ way rather than the ‘there’s a
federal agent researching unexplained phenomena staying in amnesty lodge’ way.

Him knowing it was wrong didn’t stop him from finding Agent Stern attractive as hell. And it didn’t
quash the crush that inevitably developed when the members of Amnesty Lodge’s (read: Barclay’s)
intrinsic needs to be nice outweighed their concerns that he’d find something to take back to the
FBI.

It did, however, stop him from acting on said crush. Kind of.

***

You see, although Barclay did his best, he wasn’t very subtle about a lot of things. Hiding the fact
that he was Bigfoot from 90% of the people living in Kepler and any tourists that decided to stay at
the Lodge? Easy. Especially when he had his bracelet and didn’t need to hold up an 11-year-old that
was surprisingly good at karate to steal a car and escape the unusually dedicated Forest Rangers.
But making sure whoever he liked Did Not Find Out About It for reasons ranging from a childish ‘But
what if he doesn’t like me back?’ to the current and much more serious ‘I am Bigfoot. He is Hunting
Bigfoot. If we dated I’d feel uncomfortable unless I Disclosed The Fact That I Am Bigfoot To Him
which I Definitely Cannot Do.’? You may as well have asked him to stop being Bigfoot.

So. It took approximately 1 week for Barclay to realise he kept on accidentally flirting with the Agent.
It took him another 2 to realise the agent was flirting back. It took him much less time than that to
know he was Absolutely Fucked.

***

“Mama, what do I do?”

Barclay sat in the foyer, slumped forward onto the table in front of him, while Mama nursed a cup of
coffee next to him.

“It’s not actually that hard Barclay, you just gotta stop flirting with the man.”

Barclay groaned.

“It’s not that simple, because I’m not trying to flirt with him. It just... happens.”

“Well then you gotta stop it from ‘just happening’, I guess.”

Mama, although she tried very much not to show it, was amused at Barclay’s predicament.

“But I don’t know how! Also, it would be weird if I immediately stopped flirting the moment I noticed
him reciprocating, that would just look like I was messing with him.”

Mama sighed.

“If I was a bigger believer in the ‘power of love’ I’d suggest actually dating him so that if he ever finds
anything out, he has proof that not all Sylph are bad. But I know that would probably just make it
seem like you were manipulating him, so that’s out.”

Barclay grimaced

“Yeah, and even if it didn’t that’s not something I ever want to hide from someone I’m dating... So
you have no advice?”

Mama shrugged.

“I guess you’ve just gotta work out a plausible excuse for not dating him, because chances are he’ll
end up asking you out before you have a chance to dig yourself out of this mess yourself.”

***

Mama’s prediction was right. Three days after their conversation, Barclay found Agent Stern sliding
into the seat across from him, looking decidedly more uncomfortable and nervous than Barclay had
ever seen him.
“Agent Stern? Are you doin okay?”

Stern tried putting on a smile, but it faded quickly when he realised how forced and plastic it
probably looked.

“Haven’t I told you that you can call me Joseph already? And I’m fine... just wanted to ask you o-
something.”

Barclay grinned a little when Stern Joseph tripped over his words, but mentally started panicking. He
really didn’t want to have to turn the other man down outright, so he was hoping Stern wouldn’t
push past his initial reasons. Mostly because he was half certain this conversation was going to end
up with him immediately agreeing to go on the date, no attempt at rejection given. (Hey, Barclay had
pretended to be many things through the years. There was a reason that list didn’t contain the
words ‘A functional gay.’)

Then again, if Stern was the type of guy to keep on pushing past a rejection, no matter how nebulous
the reasoning for that rejection was, Barclay didn’t know if he did want to date him after all. No
matter how pretty his face was.

“What was it, St- Joseph?”

The agent genuinely smiled at the usage of his first name, however awkward it felt to Barclay to say,
which made Barclay smile, which left the two of them staring stupidly across the table to each other
for far longer than they should have. Joseph was the first to break eye contact, flushing and rubbing
the back of his neck semi awkwardly.

“Come on, you know I don’t bite!” Barclay said, fondly amused by the agent while simultaneously
relieved that he’d managed to catch the ‘unless you want me to’ that had threatened to follow his
words.

“You can absolutely say no, if I’ve been misreading the situation or if you can’t date a resident of the
lodge or, you know, any other reasons you might have, but… would you like to go out to lunch with
me? In a romantic way?”

Barclay audibly sighed and he saw Stern’s face fall.

“Oh- I’ll just g-“

“No! It’s just- I really, really, want to, don’t get me wrong.”

Stern nodded.

“But- can you tell me honestly, how long do you think the Bureau are gonna let you stay in Kepler?
How long until they give up the ghost and decide to reassign you somewhere else?”

“Oh. I actually don’t know, but… Probably-” Here, Stern sighed, and realisation crossed his face.
“Probably less than a year.”

Barclay glanced down, disappointed despite himself.

“If, if I date anyone, I want to know there’s the option for something… long-term. I, well, I can’t see
myself leaving Kepler any time soon, and long-distance relationships aren’t exactly… practical, when
one person is living in the radio quiet zone.”
“That’s… fair. I hadn’t really thought about the fact that I won’t be stationed in Kepler forever, to be
honest. I suppose I… well, forgot.”

Stern looked surprised at his own admission, and Barclay smiled softly at him.

“Kepler has a habit of doing that to people. It’s just that most of those people have more of a choice
in when they leave.”

***

The thing is, while Stern and Barclay certainly weren’t dating, their respective subconsciouses took
their admissions to each other as a complete ‘go ahead’ with the whole flirting thing. (Well.
Barclay’s subconscious was at fault for his constant flirting. For all he knew, Stern had better control
over himself than that, especially given the whole ‘agent in the FBI thing’.) (He didn’t.) So while they
weren’t dating, they weren’t… not dating. As Barclay eloquently explained to the Pine Guard when
Aubrey tentatively asked why he suddenly seemed so cosy with the fed that was “Literally hunting
you, Barclay, I mean I trust your judgement but that seems a little risky??”

“What Barclay is trying to say is that he’s a gay mess but not enough of a mess to think dating Agent
Stern with things standing how they are currently will end in anything but heartbreak on both sides,
so he is very carefully Not Dating Him. By going on weekly ‘platonic lunches’ and specifically brewing
the Agent’s favourite coffee blend every morning rather than rotating them like he usually does.”

Barclay flushed when Mama’s words cut through his rambled explanation, especially when it was
followed by Duck, Ned, and Aubrey all turning to look at him with various levels of amusement on
their faces. It was only made worse when Aubrey reached out an arm to pat his knee comfortingly in
an ‘I’ve been there’ kind of way.

“People are really pretty,” She stage whispered, conspiratively, “and sometimes that makes me do
dumb things. At least you’re managing to keep some kind of line in the sand, however shaky that line
happens to be.”

Add more???

End AN: btw, this is working on the assumption that the bom boms come every three months,
because the timeline is hella vague and confusing and also in the finale they say Stern’s been at the
lodge for about a year and that’s the only way that can come close to working as Water happens in
October and Calamity happens after “holidays have descended”. I know they probably don’t come at
the exact same intervals but just… its confusing enough lol

***

Chapter 2??????

END AN: I would like everyone to know that this very nearly contained a scene written to “The Other
Side” where Barclay tried to get Stern to ditch the FBI and live permanently in Amnesty Lodge, but it
didn’t quite fit the vibe of how I’d characterised both of them and how I wanted the story to go. But
that… still might get written as a separate au piece where Stern realises more solidly that something
is going on earlier in the piece. And I say maybe only because I have a habit of hyper fixating on new
things really easily. I already have a note open in my phone for it.

Notes: starts after the clamity,