Adult Bullying How to Recognize it and Deal with it Effectively Dr. Michael R. Weber, Superintendent Michael. Weber@pwssd.k12.wi.us Port Washington-Saukville Schoo! District 100 W. Monroe Street Port Washington, WI 53074Adult Bullying How to Recognize it and Deal with it Effectively by Dr. Michaol R. Weber We all have an innate desire for happiness and positivity. We live healthier, think clearer, and accomplish more through this positive energy. When we are harassed, belittled, criticized, or “bullied”, our happiness and positivity suffer, resulting in lowering of our positive energy. In the workplace, employee production, problem solving, and attitude diminish. Many people harass, pick on, criticize, negatively gossip about, and bully others, even though they may not be adult bullies. However, the recipient feels the same. There are some people who actually fit the definition of “bully”. The literature and research define an adult bully as someone who persistently uses intimidation and manipulation to get their way. Tagging someone as a bully or not is less important than identifying the bully-type behavior and protecting yourself and your positive energy. Therefore, we will focus on the hurtful behavior and not the “evil” person. Focusing on the “evil” person only produces. hate, gets us nowhere, and serves iy to increase the other person's control over us. So what can we do? Understand the bullying behavior. Trying to understand what created the bullying behavior gives you a better sense of control, helps you develop anti-bully behavior strategies, allows you to “outwit” his/her behavior, and helps keep you from getting caught off guard.1. People who use harassing, negative, and bullying behavior oftentimes feel inferior to you personally or anyone else whom they perceive as having more or being more. Two of our greatest fears are not being enough and not having enough. Sometimes they think by focusing on other's faults, the attention is off their shortcomings. And then again, sometimes they knock you down so they can feel taller. Finally, they may see you as a threat and become competitive for perceived superiority over you. Most of us have a sense of remorse and compassion, which helps us control our behavior so as not to hurt others. The thinking part of our brains overpowers the more primitive lower parts. Some people have an absence of remorse or compassion because of their early developmental experiences and/or how they view the world. Sometimes if an adult was a childhood bully or bullied by others, the primitive part of their brains become embedded in their long-term memory, blocking feelings of compassion and remorse. This can create very reactive, aggressive behavior and a short fuse toward anger. With no remorse or compassion, the individual's bullying behavior can be very hurtful and aggressive. Logical empathetic reasoning is usually unproductive and only increases the negative manipulative behavior. This type of no-remorse behavior needs to be hit head-on. The third type of harassing, critical, bullying, and negative behavior comes from arrogance and self-righteousness. Arrogant behavior results in the perception that the person is superior to and better than others. Consequently, they belittle and talk down to others in a self-righteous manner to get you to do or say what they want you to do. This arrogant perception results in a habit of disdainfully lecturing the ‘little people” about how things ought to be done. They think they know what is best and their self-righteous values 2are superior to yours. Consequently, they will use whatever means necessary to force their values on you. Perhaps the most difficult component of adult bullying behavior is that there are generally no negative consequences so they keep doing it and actually get reinforced for their bullying behavior, because they get their way. “They get away with it.” When no one confronts their behavior or holds them accountable, the advantages of bullying outweigh the disadvantages, because there are none. Many times when people are suffering, it is difficult for them to care for anything other than their own pain. They will say and do things that they would not normally do so as to relieve some of their pain. Also, they can become angry, overly sensitive, and envious of your health. Psychological Realities: Be aware of some realities when being harassed, belittled, criticized, or bullied. 1 You are not the problem. The problem is the bully. Never blame yourself for being harassed or bullied. You are not responsible or accountable for the bullying. It started long before you met up with the person over something you have no control over. “There is a point of basic human dignity in every person which must never be offended.” ~ Norman Vincent Peal Harrassing, bullying, and belittling behavior can permeate this point of human dignity. If this happens repeatedly to a person, he/she suffers the most painful form of self-dislike and it can create changes in personality. 34. Harassing and bullying behavior says more about the other person than it does you. You are actually stronger and more mentally stable than they are. 5. Weall enter into what Richard Carlson calls thought attacks. The more we think about a negative event, the more exaggerated it becomes, and we make it out to be worse than it actually is. 6. Your Line of Life A B Frustration Neutral Stress Normal Depression Feeling pretty good Anxiety A B c Frustration Neutral No-limit living Stress Normal Total wellbeing Depression Feeling pretty good Highly spiritual Anxiety Independent of the good opinion of others People who intentionally work at moving from B to C are rarely bullied and have fewer thought attacks. Successful techniques to combat bullying and harassment: Based on my research, writings of several authors, and stories from adults who where bullied or harassed, the following is a list of specific techniques that have been successful against bullying and harassment.Get your facts straight about what happened by writing them down to help prevent “thought attacks”. Then write down the best solution to the situation. What small steps can | take to resolve this issue? Keep a log book of the details of each bully or harassment incident. Include dates, times, who was involved including bystanders who may have witnessed it. Keep a strong upright posture, walk and sit with confidence. Keep your head up and walk with determination. You communicate strong messages by the way you carry yourself and less likely to experience bully-type behavior from others. Push back respectfully. Let others know you do not want to be treated in such a manner. Use phrases such as: = ‘What did you just say to me?” (This keeps attention on the misconduct). = “Your language (behavior) is over the top, and if you want to speak to me, you must be respectful.” = “Twill no longer tolerate your abusive behavior, so our conversation is over.” Call them on their bullying and harassing behavior by focusing on them and their behavior, not on how it makes you feel Use the word you instead of | because it puts the focus directly on them. For example, don't say; “! don’t appreciate your comments.” Instead say “You need to talk to me more respectfully”. When you use |, it does not motivate them to quit. It actually reinforces them.1 13. 14. . Tell someone higher up in the Team up with others to confront the behavior. A show of force can be very effective Leaving a situation and moving on to something else may not be the best course of action because you cannot run away from bullies. They are everywhere. organization and ask for assistance to corral the “bully” and get him/her under control. The only people the bullies admire are those people who do not allow them to get away with the bullying and harassing behavior. Therefore, ignoring is rarely successful. . Take command of the situation and do what is necessary to stop the attack by staying calm, assertive, respectful, and factual. For example: "Fred, before we start the meeting, you need to be calmer and more respectful to the group. You have much to contribute and we want to hear from you, but it must be respectful without interrupting others and without complaining. Only then are you welcome to stay.” Be firm and clear when stopping harassing and bullying behavior. Many self-righteous bullies feel they are entitled to do what they please, even if it interferes with other's rights and psychological space. Become positively intolerant by having pre-thought out directives to use, which establish your boundaries and are not open to discussion, such as: * "You need to rethink how you talk to me about this topic.” * “Your negative, prejudiced comments are inappropriate.”15. 19. 20 21. 22 When you push back at bullying and harassing behavior, make sure your comments are directives and not open for discussion. Don't make “feely” comments, looking for an apologetic response — you won't get it. Be firm and clear in setting the boundaries. . You can certainly try to use conflict resolution techniques, but if the other person truly is a bully, this will only serve to reinforce the bully behavior because they know they got to you People who use bullying and harassing behavior function at a very low primitive brain level — what is reinforced escalates and what is punished goes away. Have the courage to “punish”, not reinforce. . A “pattern interrupt” is very effective. We all have predictable patterns of behavior. When we interrupt our “pattern” by body posture, facial expressions, verbalizations, it stops people in their tracks, gets attention, and sets our boundaries. If it is your boss or supervisor, you can try talking to them along with no one else around. You can also develop a support network of others. You can talk to his/her boss and you can dust off your resume. Instead of yelling back, pull out a note pad and pencil and say; “Now would you repeat what you said so I have it for the record.” or “Justa minute. Say that again so | can write it down for the record.” Listen to your intuition. Sometimes you have to go with your gut. Analyze your own behavior to see if you are encouraging the harassment or bullying. Regardless, develop verbal and body language techniques to stop it. . Please keep in mind this psychological observation “. bullies generally are emotionally stunted humans in that they have some problems within themselves that causes them to seek temporary pleasure by targeting their anger, misery, etc. ‘on to somebody else.” ~ Alex Gadd 724. 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30. Maintain your sense of humor and positivity because it helps you have the energy and creativity to handle bullies. “Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.” ~ Anonymous Maintaining your own emotional stability, self-confidence, and attitude also helps you handle bullying and harassing behavior. “Ifyou don't leave me alone, | will find someone who will.” ~ ‘Anonymous Portray an enthusiastic/positive attitude. People do not harass/ bully positive energetic people, because they cannot get to them. Use reframing — turn a harassing and bullying comment into a more positive direction to communicate the message that their comments do not bother you. For example, “Sorry you are disappointed in my performance with that comment, but I got your last report done early and thoroughly so you were well prepared to present it to the Board of Directors. Thank you and have a good day’. (Then walk away, do not wait for a response or for them to frame it back to a negative.) Be impervious to teasing bully behavior by giving body language that says “Lam so bored with this.” You can also agree and exaggerate a teaser bully’s behavior. For example, if he/she ridicules your perceived lack of computer skills, you can say, “Yeah, if someone asks what kind of computer do you have, | say grey”. Remember, if they cannot get to you, you are no fun, so they will leave you alone. “Whenever | was upset by something in the paper, Jack always told me to be more tolerant, like a horse flicking away flies in the summer.” ~ Jacqueline Kennedy 8The ten elements of an effective bully prevention program: Focus on the environment. Form a group to plan and coordinate activities. Garner adult support for bullying prevention. Assess the extent of the bullying. Train adults on how to identify, prevent, and what to do about it. Establish and enforce rules and parameters. Increase supervision in hot spots for bullying Intervene consistently and appropriately. Focus some classroom time on bullying prevention and intervention. 10. Continue these efforts over time — there should be no end date. ©EnNearena Adapted from: U.S. Department of Health and Human Services National Bullying Prevention Campaign (www.stopbullying.gov)In conclusion, use this handout to help you: 1. Understand bullying behavior, because this will give you power and strength. I. Be aware of the psychological realities of harassing behavior, because this will keep you from blaming yourself and will maintain your positive self-esteem. Il. Finally, hold your own against bullying and harassing behavior by practicing any of the 30 specific suggestions. From this point on, you will never become the victim again. Have some fun with your "bullies", because you are now in control. You are now a verbal samurai.ko nN Resources: . Take the Bully by the Horns by Sam Horn Beat the Bully: A Guide to Dealing with Adult Bullying by Alex Gadd Pulling Your Own Strings by Wayne Dyer . The Bully at Work: What You Can do to Stop the Hurt and Reclaim Your Dignity on the Job by Gary Namie and Ruth Namie . Complete Guide to Understanding, Controlling, and Stopping Bullies and Bullying at Work by Margaret Kohut . Adult Bullying: Predators and Victims by Peter Randall U.S. Department of Health and Human Services National Bullying Prevention Campaign (www.stopbullying.gov)