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not suitable for squares!
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PORK #13 winter 2013 LIL’ PIGS MAGAZINE-COMING 2014!

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Do you want to hear a dirty joke? A pig fell in the mud. Do you want to hear a clean joke? A pig took a bath.
 Gewalttätigen & Zie
rlichen!

by Sean Äaberg
CONEY ISLAND ETERNAL Pictured are “A Coney Island of the
Coney Island is our Shangri-La. The remote & Mind” by Lawrence Ferlinghetti, a
mythological nether regions of American Pop collection of cool poems that refer-
Culture. Fueled on hot dogs & egg creams, popu- ence both Bosch & Dante by a far-
lated by greasy thrill seekers recently passed out Beat Poet, a Tilly Circus Punk
under the guiding torch of the Statue of Liberty, by Yesterday’s Trash, Coney Island
Coney Island is our Shangri-La. As time trundles White Fish, a Coney Island ditch-
forward, washing away everything, we must weed jaint, a Coney Dog, a Coney
keep what we want to carry on with us into the Island Gimmick & Coney Island
future in our minds & in our hearts, where they Baby by Lou Reed, currently my
will live on forever, so that if & when the USA favorite Lou Reed record. “Ah, but
ceases to exist, even as we push forward into remember that the city is a funny
territories unknown, we carry the seeds of our place, Something like a circus or a
own creation with us & can plant them any- sewer. And just remember different
people have peculiar tastes.” party favors
where, anytime.
THE ATOMIC ELBOW ZINE fukitor comix
Jason Karns knocks out these great, How ill is this
We were watching Ghostbusters on Hal- patch? Diggit.
loween & Egon said, “Print is dead!” & fucked up comix that could, would &
me & Katie just cracked the fuck up. You should be carried in whatever the PORK
won’t read about it in whatever of the version of 7-11 is. Over the top violence
lamestream media still exists, but this & gore executed in a bold, 80s flavored
is the best time for zines & mini-comics underground style which I woulda just
EVER. Case in point, “The Atomic Elbow” ganked if I had come across this as a
Professional Wrestling zine. This thick, well ten year old, luckily for me there was
made zine includes detailed plot synposes TMNT comix to copy. Perfect bathroom
of the WWF Rock&Wrestling cartoon that reading, great to leave in your tour van,
are longer than the cartoon actually was, sneak a copy into your Rabbi’s briefcase
profiles of wrestlers, crazed gazing at spe- or place one in your doctor’s waiting
room & watch interesting reactions goblins by sam gaskin
cific matches & a lot more, perfect for the I have a soft spot for goblins & for
obsessive pro-wrestling fan or those that rumble up from the upset stomachs of
the hapless victims. If it’s not Fukitor, well-done, cool mini-comix like this
are thinking about becoming one. one by Sam Gaskin. Mini-comix
Fukit!
life is posers vol. 1 FUCK YUPPIE SYMPATHY make great stocking stuffers & ev-
I love the cover for Who Killed Spikey One of the worst things to eryone should have a stack of them.
Jacket’s record & at first I thought it was
the dude who did the “40 oz Casualties”
happen to America is yup- savage damage digest
pification. The deliberate Always a good read, I dig that the Savage Damage
record cover, but then I discovered that crushing of working-class
it was Mike Rufio & that he also did this Digest goes into so much krazy detail in their inter-
culture in order to make views & overviews of Rock&Rollers that were kinda
great comic “Life Is Posers” detailing way for progressive middle
the lives of a bunch of Punks & associ- to the side of the spotlight. It’s this kind of devotion
class values has created a & obsession & attention to detail that makes for a
ated characters & all the dumb stuff that soulless nightmare of shitty
goes on living in a Punk house, trying to good zine & it’s what zines should be about. Like
fashion, twee music, pre- miniature dioramas with endless details spiralling
hang out with “real Punks” & even the cious food, street wimpi-
philosophical issues of Punk rats. What into the pages. The interview with Greg Ingraham
ness & an almost canni- from the Avengers was great, early San Francisco
more do you need? Oh, also you can read balistic animosity towards
LIP in PORK! Get the collection though, Punk & who am I kidding, early Punk in general was/
those that don’t tow the were so much more in the spirit of what we’re about,
second one out soon. line. I declare war on you. without all the fucking new left rules & shit.
totally ‘tudin’ tops!!!
When we saw this “It’s Not Safe Here - FOR YOU” t-shirt by Negative patches
Outlook we were dying & knew we had to have it! The Seditionaries- All PORK readers are
style Mohair Sweater is always radical get them from Pretty in Punk dirty birds & if they’re
UK & this delightful Cockstika t-shirt by Addicted to Chaos is sure to not, they wish they
upset the chickens in your local coffee house. Bok bok. were. I don’t associ-
ate vultures with sex,
although maybe with
that gross knobbly
TOPPS GARBAGE PAIL KIDS MINIKINS neck & stubbly hair
Topps is putting out so much Garbage Pail they’re kinda like a
Kids stuff these days, it’s nuts. This is what shaved scrotum & a
I’ve been waiting for, little rubber Garbage dick with a beak, but
Pail Kids figures similar to the “Cheap Toys we’ll leave that for the
birds. This Sid Lives
& Crummy Candy” GPKS of the 80s. You sid-style locket swastika guitar patch
get these 1” figures in blind bags with some This classic Sid Vicious is rad, reproducing
solid color & some painted, they’ve got great style locket neclace is
sculpts & the only down side is that they’re a the “Sid Sings” record
the Punk Rosary. I had label just in order to
little pricey. I heard the second series is com- one locked on my neck confuse the issue.
ing out any time now also which is great! for a year, for Punks!
rough stuff jewelry
This Mexican Biker Ring style zango bango rings
Chief Skull by REPOP MFG If you’re familiar with old Easyrid-
is dope & tough & rough ers & Iron Horse magazines, you’ll
stuff, check out all their great remember the far-out Zango
items. The grinning skull ring Bango jewelry ads in each issue.
is a repro of some Lithuanian Line-drawing illustrated rings,
ring found after WWII & has pendants & earrings of super
a lot of character & reminds gnarly designs straight out of the
me of traditional Japanese stoner, fantasy, scum part of the
style skulls, find it if you can. 70s where PORK was birthed. A
The big, honkin’ onyx ring place where Hobbits smoke PCP warbird cuff
is by Fine Light Trading & & drive their enchanted vans REPOP MFG makes all their stuff
would look good on anyone’s into the woods to watch elves in the USA & are all feisty about
finger. Finally is Betty Boobs sunbathe in the nude. Anyhow, I it, which I agree with. They are
the titty tease from Tomb- decided to see if they were still also a prime purveyor of reju-
stone Silverworks if you making jewelry & turns out that venation of that ancient symbol
need something to nervously they are! Under a new name, of good, the lucky pinwheel, the
fondle while you’re waiting which is Blackheart Metals. They 4 Ls of Love, Light, Luck & Life,
for your man. have all their old designs avail- the rolling log, the swastika & for
able, they make them in house that, we salute you!
down in SOCAL & you gotta check
them out!

north no name patches r. crumb’s weirdo years

Meanwhile in Japan, the Weirdo
Rock&Roll scene is knocking out
some mind-blowing shit. Case
in point, these North No Name
patches are fucking gorgeous
& speak the secret language of
American scum culture that is
largely forgotten even in THIS
country. How the Japanese man-
age to dig up this iconography is
almost beyond me, except that
I know that Japanese culture
has a stronger sense of aesthet-
ics & an animistic background
in Shinto towards all of these
objects which really shines
through in everything they do.
These patches are limited run &
super cool.
“I tried to give up drugs by drinking.” -Lou Reed
Looking back on Crumb’s 80s work, it’s wild to
see how hard the 80s were on the 60s. Crumb
retreats into draftsmanship, even including
yuppie characters in his comics, you can
tell that his world has become dominated by
his wife Aline Kominsky who has become a
woman-power, go-getter, yoga yuppie, but was
fucking wooly, sweaty biker dudes on the side.
Anyhow, Crumb perfects his craft & loses his
soul in these comics & moves to France, leav-
ing us behind to defend the faith.
rochester teen-set outsider dirty donny’s two much
This zine is like the Platonic ideal of crappy little After a couple of lung blistering at-
Punk zines. Scrappy, opinionated, occassion- tempts at smoking some of the pieces of
ally difficult to decipher & pocket sized, I look flash off this model, I realized that it is
forward to each issue. Get a bunch & give them made out of plastic resin, not that other
to your friends. Keep up the bad work guys! kind. Sculpted by Japanese Weirdo
drone wars artist Chop, Dirty Donny’s newest model
juicy jay watermelon papers When the system no is a radical scumbag monster digging
Most of the Juicy Jay papers repeat a little longer has human blood graves in the groovy graveyard. It’s a
image of whatever flavor they are, like Dum pumping through it, the great package put together by AMT,
Dums lollipops, but the watermelon papers question is, “Who’s zoo- coming in at over 9” tall with lots of fun
are red with black seeds & the coolest! min’ who?” decals including rockers!
SUPPORT OUR ADVERTISERS!!! THEY’RE PUTTING THEIR MONEY WHERE THEIR MOUTH IS & HELPING TO SPREAD ROCK&ROLL, WEIRDO ART & BAD IDEAS ACROSS THE WORLD! TELL ‘EM PORK SENT YOU!

How do you keep a pencil-neck busy? Write ‘Please turn over’ on both sides of a piece of paper.
 of Couer d’Alene,
REVOLT! are a Street Punk group out of the remote territory Slob, the couple
Idaho. Fronted by the stunnin g Kay Kaos & the revoltin g Rob
& bad attitudes put
make my inner Chaos Punk proud. Big hair, studded leather from the dreadfully
them in the same tradition of the best Street Punk. Buffered ! are keeping
boring reality of America with vast quantities of beer, REVOLT Kay & Rob in a
the faith in a neck of the woods that needs it most. I talked with
dumpster in Spokane, Washington over 40s of Lucky Lager.

teenage Punk living

SEAN: When I was aa, I would sometimes
in Oakland, Californi tnumbered & thus,
freak out over how ougine living in Coeur
alone I was. I can ima l that way also.
d’Alene, Idaho can fee
es. We are con-
Kay: Sure fucking doby everyone around
stantly outnumbered
us.
ll when dudes try to
Rob: It’s funny as he I have our handguns
jump us and Kay an d
on us, hahah!
4, Street Punk is
SEAN: It’s almost 201 I felt like I was
having a resurgence,ng a dead horse
almost cursed, beati sed with when I got
which I became obses 8. I had first, second
Hailing from Huntsville, Alabama, Nightmare Boyzzz have just cut one way into Punk in 198 nks telling me I had
of the best records I’ve heard in a while, out now on Slovenly. I had the honor & third generation Pu
apped up into it,
of doing the cover art for “Bad Patterns” as well as the disturbing task of hand- no place getting so wr almost 26 years
writing all of head Nightmare Boyzzz’ Chris Jordan’s angst-ridden lyrics. We had so late in the game. It’sgoing away & if I
the Nightmare Boyzzz play a PORK PARTY at Behavior Castle earlier this year: they later, this shit is never with it, it’s just going
lit the place up & gave 100% blasting out rocking Power Pop that pierces through have anything to do
their veil of scum, but carrying the infected piece into your ears & infecting your to grow.
brain.
te, Street Punk will
Rob: Like my prosta it explodes and takes
grow and grow un til
me with it.
Street Punx are
SEAN: Tell us about the writing & recording of “Bad Patterns”. Kay:.....wow, anywaydecade. The kids
around decade afterto stay, Punx from
CHRIS: I wrote all the songs over the course of the band’s three year existence. are pissed and here or they never
Some of the songs were super early. “Bender” is the first Nightmare Boyzzz song the past won’t let it dies on, cuz once it’s
ever, we just never recorded it til now. The songs are pretty personal but I tried to were. That’s why it livebetter. Society is a
cover that up with poppy hooks and shit. Although a couple of the songs, the band yours there is nothingstand it anymore. So
didn’t even learn till we were in the studio. We had just gotten off of a fairly lengthy disgrace, and I can’tthen I’ll pass out on
tour and recorded it in a small town at our friend John Paul’s house. I mostly just I’ll drink until I puke g drunk punk!
played the Aladdin game on Sega. It was fun! the floor. I’m a fuckin

SEAN: Power Pop always says 70s Amusement Parks & County Fairs to me, goin’
on the roller coaster & the ferris wheel & stuff, cotton candy but with that thinly ay from the tart
veiled aggro & sex that’s always there behind the candy apple veneer. But dang which never shied aw
N: ha s very English roots festyle, a big part of all of this is
man, these lyrics are a plunge into some serious shit, when I was writing them out I SEA Str eet Pu nk
ons of Punk fashion/li a fetish. A lot of
wanted to see if you’re okay! & trollopy manifestatithe aesthetic & the gear & it’s definitely fore, you can’t
be ing ob ses sed wit h ets , you rs are to the
CHRIS: Haha, yeah I’m okay! I always get my demons out via song. I’m a pretty con- t denying one’s... ass
Punk has been abou ht?
tent person most of the time. Thanks for checking! he lp wh o you are rig

SEAN: Good! What are some crazy tour experiences you guys have had? Kay: Up the Slut Punx se days? Who
Street Punk world the
CHRIS: Haha, oh man there was a bunch on this last tour. In Charlotte, Josh ate a N: is do ing big things in the ?
SEA Wh o els e
keep an eye out for
bunch of acid and kept asking me how many times he’d walked in and out of the should PORK readers how to live.
bathroom, and we met this dude wearing a pink fedora who we nicknamed “Ko- ’re not here to tell you
b & Ka y: you r own eyes open, we
caine Kumar”, he was a trip. Also in Baltimore... Ro Ke ep
in the USA &
y few Rock&Rollers
SEAN: What happened in Baltimore? N: at numbers, there are vereet Punks. PORK is about the “Big
SEA If you loo k
rs & even fewer Str o this thing so we’ve got numbers
even fewer Punk Rocke int
works to pull people ople who were the most in the way
CHRIS: I left with someone else, but the rest of the dudes were in the van. Jimmy Ten t” of Ro ck& Ro ll & pe
s a kid , som e of the more than others
was driving and this dude was putting cones in the road and he ran over them, & a voice. When I wa ne, because some of us enjoy the chaos ns, whatever.
‘cause he was like “Hey fuck you, why do you get to put cones in the road.” Turns we re in the Pu nk sce up set tin g the chi cke
ngs, hurting people, k, PORK says, “Go
out he worked for the city and they got pulled over by like thirty cops. They took & end up breaking thifelt like I couldn’t catch a break, but loo
Jimmy’s knife but let them keep our baseball bat and baton. I think they were mostly An yho w, I fre qu en tly
laughing at them. Later I accidentally flipped off an undercover cop in Brooklyn but for it.”
he didn’t beat me up, so all in all, I’d say it was a success! er with minors!
Fuck shit up! Drink be
Rob: Cause Damage! se days.
SEAN: Dang! Ha ha. Do you have any Nightmare Boyzzz Alabama recipes to share ied, such pansies the
y: s be come so fuckin’ pacif. Nice boys (and girls) don’t play
with PORK readers? We’re compiling a PORK cookbook. ka Ev ery on e ha
e, this is not a costu
me
Punk Rock is not saf
CHRIS: Yeah man! The best drink ever is what we call the “Toby Keith.” You just get Ro ck& Ro ll.
a big gulp of Mt. Dew from the 7-11 and dump some cheap vodka in it. We walked to ht.
the Rocky statue in Philly while drinking those. It was awesome. Rob: Yer goddamn rig tions on rebel-
sonable to put restric
y: do people think it is rea
SEAN: Shit man, I used to do those with white cherry Slurpees, vodka & caffeine Ka Wh y the fuc k
pills! It used to just be getting fucked up but now I call it the “White Trayvon”. lion?
CHRIS: Haha, awesome! les
writes the ru ly
Rob: But who ... .F es t. Serious
for Rebe lli on
e bill.
we want on th
lt?
next for Revo
SEAN: What’s
d
Hard-ons an
Rob & Kay: es. Playing free
hand gr en ad rd-
no one. Reco
bar shows torbage in Holly-
ing som e ga ing
SEAN: Justin Crumpton is playing guitar on the record but he left the band yah? ar. Contribut
wood next ye ency of minors.
to the de lin qu beer!
CHRIS: He’s a good guitarist. He quit. We replaced him. Wish him the best, I think e want more
Beer, beer, wfucking PORKERS -
he has a new band. I love our new lineup though. Cheers yo u
t everything!
Revolt agains
SEAN: Cool, so what’s the current line-up of Nightmare Boyzzz?

CHRIS: We’re a five piece now. I’m just front-manning, which is pretty fuckin cool
cause I can get weird with the crowd. Our new lead guitarist is Josh Macero. He
used to front the band Thomas Function, and he’s been totally shreddin. Michael
Grossman is still on bass. Jimmy Simpson on rhythm. And TINO beats the drums.

SEAN: What are some bands PORK readers should pay attention to in your neck of
the woods AND what’s next for the Nightmare Boyzzz?

CHRIS: There’s a band from Huntsville called Randy and the Erasers that I think are
gonna be huge once they start releasing stuff and touring. We are about to hit the
studio to record a new E.P. and then hit the road again. Hopefully we will be out for
most of next year.

SEAN: See you then!

“Every act ofmusic
“Rock&Roll rebellion
- the expresses a nostalgia
music of freedom,
frightens
for innocence
&unleashes
people & an appeal all
to the essence
manner of being.” - defense
of conservative Albert Camus
mechanisms.” -Salman Rushdie
SUPPORT OUR ADVERTISERS!!! THEY’RE PUTTING THEIR MONEY WHERE THEIR MOUTH IS & HELPING TO SPREAD ROCK&ROLL, WEIRDO ART & BAD IDEAS ACROSS THE WORLD! TELL ‘EM PORK SENT YOU!

How do you catch King Kong? Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.
 nt
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yhem.
Acoustic Ma

“Rock&Roll is an attitude, it’s not a musical form of a strict sort. It’s a way of doing things, of approaching things... It’s a way of living your life.” -Lester Bangs
 pel!
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terior
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Gunni
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for R
ock&R
oll!!!!

Jimmy b
NTB live at the Star Bar eating them dr
ums!
How many Punks does it take to screw in Q. Wanna hear
a lightbulb? 20.a1bad joke? itA.inThe
to screw andRock&Roll Hall aofsellout.
19 to call him Fame.

There’s not a lot of information about the Swamp Wizards art gang out
there. The boys let me hop onto their “Slices From The Swamp” pizza
art show at Sizzle Pie & I got down with the motley crew of denim-clad ink
scratchers. Me & Sketchy Tank hashed out the Swamp Wizards deal &
you heard it here first.
SEAN: How did Swamp Wizards start?
SKETCHY TANK: Me, Tallboy & Dresden The Barbarian all met & loved
each other’s work so we decided to do a show together called “the Unholy
Trifecta” in downtown San Diego at the Molotov Gallery. While planning the
show, we started passing around ideas & came up with the idea to start an
elite art gang… it just felt so right.
SEAN: As Swamp Wizards, do you pull your power from the swamp?
ST: Hell Yes we do! Straight outta Swampton!
SEAN: Who all is in the Swamp Wizards art gang?
ST: Dresden the Barbarian is the “Carl Winslow” of the whole crew,
keeping the family in line & shit. Tallboy is like “Miss Cleo” always coming
up with some crazy-ass mind wizardry shit. 1-800-TALLBOY Chris Col-
lins is the “Martin Lawrence”, he is unpredictably awesome. Phil Guy, he
like “Laurence Fishburne”, he dont fuck around, straight up business every
day. Matt Kerley be like “Miles Davis”, he is smooth as hell & loves them
big booties. Nick Potash is on some “Marion Barry” shit, he so out there
& bad ass that you know he’s smoking crack with hookers. Gorgeous
George is like “Lenny Kravitz”, supermodels & Rock&Roll! Chris Yvon
is the “Ike Turner”... do I need to explain. King Ron, he’s “JJ Walker”,
big fucking smiles & always Dynomite! Burney is the “Cuba Gooding
Jr”, always working hard & staying busy on some next level complex shit.
Honkey Kong! The “Michael Winslow” of the wizards, always funny shit
“You can take the wizard out of the swamp, but you can’t take the swamp out of the wizard.” -Porkland saying
coming out his mouth. Mike Giant is the “Morgan Freeman”, the one with
all the wisdom. And last but not least, yours truly, Sketchy Tank, I am the
“Theo Huxtable”, I am the brother always there for my family.
SEAN: They say the pen is mightier than the sword. When I was in middle
school, this chick sitting next to me flipped out & stabbed me like 13 times
with a pencil & it took me a second to realize what was happening & knock
her to the ground. As a tank, swamp wizard, are you allowed to use weapons,
or just magic & pens?
ST: Swords are way more powerful than pens, if you would have been
stabbed 13 times with a sword you wouldn’t be here today! haha. We use
mind fuckery… the kind of shit that makes people lose sleep at night.
SEAN: When is Sharpie going to get with it & start sponsoring guys like us?
ST: No shit!? I know Faber Castell sponsors some artists. Faber Castell, if
you’re reading this get at me!!! ha ha!
SEAN: You’re going to have a Swamp Wizards hootenanny, what is the main
dish & what booze is served?
ST: PIZZA & BEER!!!
SEAN: What’s next for the Swamp Wizards?
ST: We have some shows lined up, & we have some surprises in the works.
We are gonna butt fuck the worlds eye balls out!
I have cobbled together some Swamp Wizards work for your enjoyment. Make
sure to check out Tallboy’s “Night Watch” zine.
RUBBER TRAMPS DO IT IN A VAN!
When I was a young, impressionable Punk Rocker I read a zine “Gozar
My Love” by this San Francisco Punky Weirdo dude living in his car, it made car liv-
ing seem like “a way out” of the system which I’ve always been attracted to. At the time I
was freaked-out, abusing speedy asthma drugs, going through my own form of Hulkama-
nia with puberty & not handling it that well. Living in a car, travelling, squatting all called to
me, but I knew that I couldn’t handle it & would probably be abducted by aliens. Years later,
I’ve got my act together but with the wife & three sons & dog, car living sounds like a fuck-
ing nightmare. Luckily I’ve got Jeff Kish & the Rubber Tramps to live vicariously through.

SEAN: What called you to living in your van?

JEFF: I looked back at the way I had lived my life, took the time to assess what made me the
happiest, & decided it was ridiculous to keep living a lifestyle where the majority of my time
& money wasn’t devoted to those things. Travel, adventure, & experience are the things I
enjoyed most, but they had been relegated to the back burner while I had been participat-
ing in the rat race, working too hard for things I didn’t really want. I thought about it more, &
realized I could have a lot more of the things I wanted if I wasn’t spending so much time &
energy on maintaining a household.
SEAN: Your van is kitted out beautifully, you built a lot of the stuff in your store Rock&Rose,
how did you get your start & what other wild stuff have you built over time?

JEFF: My grandfather was a carpenter, & my father always had tools & wood scraps to
mess around with when I was younger. I built tree forts, ramps to jump my bike off of, &
cages to keep reptiles in when I was kid. I still build tree forts actually. The last one was 200
square feet with a view of the Columbia River.

SEAN: What are some van details we should pay attention to?
JEFF: My van was built on the cheap. The entire interior was built with reclaimed wood I
pulled out of junk piles in pallet yards. I keep warm with surplus wool military blankets.
I stay organized with fruit, beer, & dynamite crates. I only used natural materials. It’s a
tiny space but the wood & organic fibers make it cozy.

SEAN: A lot of people’s rights are tied into having property.

Nomadic people, have had lots of trouble from governments & small
minded types have a lot of issues with travellers.

JEFF: It’s not just one group or another, it’s EVERYONE vested in the housing
system. Those that stand to profit from rents, sales & property tax have a huge
problem with anyone that’s not spending their money to keep their system afloat,
& those that unhappily contribute to that system resent those that have the guts
to see their way out of it. Beyond that, people without addresses are harder to
track & control, & authorities hate individuals with that kind of freedom.

SEAN: So much of the media being produced is set up to increase the funding of
NGOs, non-profits & other aid projects so they make people seem like they have
no options outside of the system. Because most media is produced to serve in-
terests other than the common good, they aren’t going to encourage a “can-do”
attitude which van living embodies.

JEFF: Yeah man: there’s a system in place, & those with the power only stay in
power when everyone else participates in it.

SEAN: I just drew this Van Club logo for you, tell me about the Rubber Tramps.

JEFF: What I’m trying to do with the Rubber Tramps Van Club is get a bunch of
like-minded people together. There’s this sense of dropping out of one com-
munity when you move into a van, so I thought it might be cool to bring all those
people together to form another one. You don’t have to live in your van full time
to join the club, but you gotta be able to sleep in it & rubber tramp a lil bit.

What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!

 wop bomma loo wop HEY KIDS! WHAT TIME IS IT?
a wamma bamma lou!!!
PORK TIME!!!

YES! BUT IT’S ALSO OH! DID YOU NO! I GOT YOU ON THE FIRST DAY
PORKMAS TIME!!! GET ME A 12 PRESENTS!!! OF PORKMAS, MY
PRESENT?! TRUE LOVE GAVE
TO ME:
WOW!

ON THE 4TH DAY OF ON THE 5TH DAY OF

ON THE 3RD DAY OF PORKMAS MY PORKMAS, MY TRUE PORKMAS, MY TRUE
TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME: LOVE GAVE TO ME: LOVE GAVE TO ME!

THREE POUNDS
OF WEED! A POOKIE & THE POODLEZ SHOW!!!
FOUR NASTY TATTOOS!

ON THE 7TH DAY OF PORKMAS, What do you call

HELLO LADIES ON THE 8TH DAY OF PORKMAS,
a potato that smokes
MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME: weed? A baked potato. When & GERMS! MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME:
do you kick a midget in the
balls? When he is standing
next to your girlfriend saying
her hair smells nice. What’s
long & hard & has cum in it? a
cucumber! Why was the guitar
teacher arrested? For finger-
ing A minor. Why is santa so
jolly? Because he knows where
all the naughty girls live. Why
did Hitler commit suicide? He
got the gas bill. What has a
whole bunch of little balls &
SEVEN TERRIBLE JOKES!!! screws old ladies? BINGO! EIGHT BURGER TAPES!!!

ON THE 12TH DAY OF PORKMAS, 11 NASTY KNIVES! 10 ZINES & MINI- A POOKIE & THE POOOOODLEZ SHOW!
MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME: COMIX! 9 BAGS OF STUDS & SPIKES! 8 4 SLEAZY TATTOOS! 3 POUNDS OF
BURGER TAPES! 7 TERRIBLE JOKES! 6 WEED! A PAIR OF UNSANFORIZED, SEL-
CHEAP TALL BOYS! VEDGE JEANS! & A VAN IN A TREEEEE!

TWELVE CHEEZY PIZZAS!!!

“The two most joyous times of the year are Christmas morning & the end of school.” -Alice Cooper
 H HEEEY AMELIA, DO REALLY? IT’S PORK TIME YOU IDIOT!
WIT LIA YOU KNOW WHAT
E T! TIME IT IS?
M
A AR
H

A VAN! ...IN A TREE! ON THE 2ND DAY OF PORK-

MAS, MY TRUE LOVE GAVE
TO ME:

DOES THAT DANG!

COME WITH
DRIVING
LESSONS?

A PAIR OF UNSANFOR-
DON’T TELL YOUR MOTHER! IZED SELVEDGE JEANS!

POOKIE SMOOCHEZ!!! ON THE 6TH DAY OF PORKMAS, MY

TRUE LOVE GAvE TO ME:

PRECIOUS &
I JUST WANNA GROW UP & DARLING!

BE A ROCK STAR! SIX CHEAP TALLBOYS!!!

ON THE 9TH DAY OF PORKMAS, ON THE 10TH DAY OF PORKMAS, ON THE 11TH DAY OF PORKMAS,
MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME: MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME: MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME:

NINE BAGS OF STUDS & SPIKES!!! TEN ZINES & MINI-COMIX!!! ELEVEN NASTY KNIVES!!!

MERRY PORKMAS EVERYBODY!!! MERRY PORKMAS EVERYBODY!!! AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
SEE YOU IN 2014!!!

Why doesn’t Santa have any kids? He only comes once a year.
 f o r a c l e a n c a u s e
dirty needles
re
RKLAND, whe
in th e ra in y world of PO bridge undersides
Living nses of sce to
y & vast expa either acquie
the soggy sk ooting dope or speed, to e are plenty of dirty
sh th er
give way to burn right through it, ilt weiner-butts like to
the gloom or found. Yuppie white gu n name 500 products
needles to bew the average person ca ow only a handful of
cry about ho ery store shelves but kn Well, our PORKLAND
from the grocanimals, bugs & the like.jars, poop socks, used
local plants, udes such items as piss arded crack pipes, e
territory incl ratched scratch-its, disc ass, old tires, soy-sauc
condoms, sctts, broken car window glreligious tracts, psycho
cigarette bu rats, pigeon feathers, candy wrappers, fast
buckets, dead n shoes, soile
d panties, ids, broken umbrellas,
-a
letters, rotte astic straws, used band If this was my home of
food bags, pl in mags & dirty needles. It is from this American
discarded sk e’d be bullet shells too. Dirty Needle Free-
Oakland, therat the electric folk-art ofy was born, guided by
landscape thbroidery by Cody McElrogiven form by the rude &
stitched Em all graf fiti philosophy & epit tattoo flash. I hung
bathroom st raphy of the most decr e, I drew a quick little
crude iconogy at See See Motor Cof fe ed it into a ra
dical patch
out with Cod tone design & he rock
vulture tombsright now!
I’m wearing

been
r work I had -
I ca m e across you jackets with the emon
SEAN: The Pacific Theater tou& the dragons & tigerer was
day rist s
over rea e ev
obsessingmaps of Japan & Ko me they were. If ther ery, the
id
broidered ping off how awesohed machine embro
them & tripart doing free-stitc at place?
a time to st , what put you in th
time is now mething I
ery was so d
m ac h in e embroid y wife was diagnose for
-stitched g until m patches
CODY: Freeally that into startin ided to make somebecause not
was not re ic renal failure. I dec with my paintings, of dollars
with chronw I had to add along ntings for hundredsa handmade
an art sho ple want to buy pai ount of money on know that
a lot of peoill spend a decent amw off. I didn’t really the art
but they w could wear and sho that much. So after Needle
patch they e going to be into itatches sold out Dirty
people wer over a hundreds p
show wheny was born. kes
Embroider idery” evo
ir ty N ee dle Embro
name “D
r company t the name.
seAN: You orhood, tell us abou
h b s worth of
my neig
vo lved a couple yearlay on words
at in f ap
a history th oin, so it was kind o ld be creating I
CODY: I had glin g w ith her at ch es I wou
g
hell, stru figured the kind o . f p
joke and I act Rock&Roll types
would attr

for
s to “tattoos
ed these patchethe similarities?
SEAN: Yo u lik en
hat are
did tattoos, w t I do, you ar is
e
clothes,” you oing and wha
tw ee n ta tto ag e an d th ere
milarities be a desired im
CODY: The si needle to leave behind it takes to get the desire
d
co nt ro lli ng a ac tic e th at n th e tw o is
amount of pr rent betwee I really do wish
a frustrating ly thing that seems diffe one position, machine.
ef fe ct . Th e on n’ t fixed in
o machine is a tattooing
that the tatto achine was as nimble as ang
th e se w in g m 70s Rocker G
ne in th e 90 s that 60s & af filiation & that
told someo egs culture
SEAN: If youbecome the dominant dr machine embroidery on .
style would be getting free-stitchedit, but here we are. Riff
people would t no one w ou ld be lie ve
ould
their cuts, I be The Stones w
pe op le in the 90s that the same reac-
told a lot of ably have
CODY: If you g today they would prob
still be tourin we are, double rif f .
tion. But here h your finger
. H av e yo u sewed throug
itars) Ha ha share?
SEAN: (Air gu t accidents you need to
yet? Any grea ce
fingernail on
si de of m y finger to my . But I’ve broken
sewn the needed it’s
CODY: I have that is as many times as tless needle
s so I guess
and hopefullying machines and coun
multiple sew e.
payback tim

e doing this, n
one out ther ca
E kn ow , yo u’re the only to start doing this so it s
r as W ople hand
SEAN: As fa saying you want other pees for the kids with idle
ng
but you werence, do you have challe
build & adva -
out there? of free-stitch
he r pe op le are capable d patches are
what ot perfectly mea
sure
want to see e art and
CODY: I just hine. Computerized andement that breathes mor t into it I
ing on a m ac man invo lv e peop le ge
n you add hu tter, so if mor t else I
cool but wheto it, it becomes way be as inspiration to see wha
charac te r in titio n bu t
it as a compe
don’t think ofof.
am capa bl e t the same asng
pa tches is almos , Rolli
aphics of slea
zy no ve lty ltures, skulls came
e fingers, vu
SEAN: The gr tattoos, walking middl ember the first time yo
u
sleazy novelty joints, etc, ca
n you rem it?
to
Stones logos, agery & what drew you a
across this im es when I was
lu s st or es and thrift stord bomber jackets
rp dere
ly the army su rean embroi
CODY: Probabs wanted one of the Ko tuff !
kid. I’v e alw ay he s ar e so
old biker patc & is on
but all of the kidney failure the
s w ife Ti er ra had sudden is worki ng his fingers toer
od y sa id , hi w on e. C od y ge t to ge th
Like C she can get
a ne
their last stitc
h to
go ahead
dialysis until ng sewing machines toNow is the right time to you! He
bone & w or ki lady rig ht . geth er fo r
tch to do his can stitch to ng out.
enough scra irty Needle Embroideryt him up & work somethi
& see w ha t D piec es , hi
rds & custom
does standa mbroidery@gmail.com
dirt yn ee dl ee

Why are jokes & patches alike? They’ll both have you in stitches.
 & his great band “The
radical Rock&Roll & Weirdo Artwith the sound of scut-
ing it down in Baltimore with his
Alex Hagen “the Pagan” is hold en the Pagan at the Virgin House over a six pack of Natty Boh
Ravagers”. I caught up with Hag
tling cockroaches in the walls. feel?
imagery & how did it make you
you came across Weirdo type
SEAN: When was the first time ything looked in the
6 yrs old. I loved how dirty ever funny. Also the MAD
& Stimpy show when I was like so
HAGEN: Most definitely The Ren It grossed my mom and grandma out and I thought that was art appealing to me.
textures and characters’ faces.that my mom immediately took away also made that kind of
magazines my dad bought me
Rock&Roll Weirdo scene?
imore pertaining to the PORK
SEAN: What’s going on in Balt e now. What I’ve
’ve been carrying PORK for a whilws have been more
Haus are the best stores. They Sho
HAGEN: Atomic books & Novelty& flannel & an increase in cool hair, denim & leather jackets. Rock&Roll is making a
noticed is a decrease in beards a divide between Hard Core Punk & Garage which is cool.
fun & there seems to be less ofK has definitely influenced that.
comeback in Baltimore & POR vision & style
et techniques for keeping your
rent people, do you have any secr
SEAN: You do lots of work for diffe ts’ needs?
intact whilst satisfying your clien I
erstand and talk to a client so
s that are pret ty well developed and I really try to und ons last spri ng and now
HAGEN: Not really! I have 3 style
through with it. I really just star
ted drawing Weirdo illus trati
know what they want before I go Punk, or Rock&Roll art. It’s less
wan t to hire me for that style. My other style looks like 70’s for BITERS and FULL BREACH
I have lots of people that and half tone s. The stuf f I do
high contrast photos king at a design agency for
illustration and more working withdo a lot of work for squares which I got good at from word identities/logos. That’s
77 is more in that directio n. I also help businesses with bran
of restaurants around town and where your logo is carved
2 years. I make menus for a lot es you feel like a total playboy to take a girl to a restaurant
where the cashola is and it mak
out in the signage.
agers?
SEAN: WHat’s up with the Rav
e out with a glow in the dark 12
k&R oll ban d I’ve had for about a year now. We just cam es are bands like DI/Adoles-
HAGEN: RAVAGERS is my Roc
on Cricket Cemetery Records.
I would say main influ enc
hed one in October with
inch EP called Livin’ in Oblivion York bands like Dead Boys. We’ve been touring a lot. Just finis the 1st annual gathering of
cents mixed with late 70’s New th for
ing in Atla nta with the Hea rt Attacks and Wyldlife this mon
DINOS BOYS and are play
the playboys.. haha!
oning on everything?
SEAN: Do you put Old Bay seas new hand crafted
I just ate it in ice-cream from thisa six pack of Natty-
pizza. It’s really good on pizza. s with
HAGEN: Not everything…Mostly ously it’s best dumped all over a bushel of steamed crab
ice-cream parlor in town but obvi
Boh.

Cop: “How high are you?” Typical PORK Reader: “No you dumbass, it’s “Hi, How are you?
CHRISTMAS THE RED HATTED STEPCHILD? OCCULT COCONUTS! CHAOS PUNK UFOS!
THE WORD ON THE STREETS. THE WEIRD ON THE STREETS. the weird reading the word on the streets. bad ideas!
ARCHAEOPOP
THE PAST IN POP CULTURE WITH PROFESSOR DAN SHOUP
what is the real Christmas?
Gay Love Child of Mithras & Sol Invictus?
Christmas was invented long after Jesus died. Of the four
gospels, only Luke and Matthew bother to mention his birth
at all, but none of them give a specific day. Some scholars
even think the whole birth story was made up around the
time the gospel of Luke was written (75-100 AD), possibly as
part of an argument about Jesus’ divine status as the son
of God. The first historical evidence for December 25th as
Jesus’ birthday is in a calendar from 354 AD, and even then
there’s been some disagreement about the day: Armenians
celebrate Christmas on January 6, for instance.
By the time Christmas appears in the historical record,
December 25th had been known as the birthday of the sun
god Sol Invictus (‘the unconquered sun’) for generations:
Emperor Aurelian dedicated a temple to him in Rome’s Cam-
pus Martius on December 25th, 274. Sol Invictus’ popularity
had begun about 50 years before when the worship of the
Syrian sun god Elagabalus was brought to Rome and mixed
with Roman and Greek concepts. The Emperor Constan-
tine’s coins showed the god as his companion, and the Arch
of Constantine near the Colosseum was placed to frame
the colossal statue of Sol Invictus that once stood near by
and gave the Colosseum its name (it was ‘the place by the
colossus’).
Sol Invictus played an important role in the cult of Mithras as
well. The worship of Mithras came from Persia and became
popular among Roman soldiers, who spread it around the
Empire. Roman Mithraism was kind of an ancient Freema-
sonry, with secret handshakes, occult rituals, and seven
grades of initiation. Its theology was secret, but the central
scene in Mithraic art is the god slaying a bull in a cave, while
looking over his shoulder at Sol Invictus. Mithras, with the
help of Sol, later ascends to heaven. Like Christians, Mithra-
ists practiced baptism and anointing, held a ritual dinner
where bread and wine were shared, and saw their god as
a mediator between god and man, who also ascended to
heaven.
Even the early Christians saw similarities between their
religion and the cults of Mithras and Sol. A mosaic found in a
Christian crypt under St. Peter’s in Rome depicts Christ just
like Sol Invictus or Mithras, ascending to heaven in a chariot
pulled by horses, with sun rays coming out of his head!
Many ancient churches were also built on top of Mithraist
cave shrines. It was a milieu of cultural appropriation: a lot
of people felt free to mix imageries to suit their taste, though
less chill (or more insecure) church fathers insisted that Sol
and Mithraism were just evil counterfeit versions of Christi-
anity. There was some uncertainty about who had the idea
first of celebrating a resurrection on December 25th – but
most Christians and Sol worshippers probably could have
cared less.
You’ve probably heard stories about the pagan elements in
Christmas before. In the middle ages, Christianity absorbed
another set of vaguely pagan flavors from yule, the ancient
Germanic midwinter festival. These include the yule log, a
symbol of the rebirth of the sun, and the Christmas ham,
which started out as a wild boar that was ritually sacrificed
for the midwinter feast. In fact, the first ‘war on Christmas’
was started by the Puritans, who saw it only as pagan super-
stition: Christmas was banned in Massachusetts from 1659
to 1680. (That’s one of the better endorsements of Christ-
mas: if the Puritans hated it, it must have been fun).
If you want to be a nerd, there’s all kind of historical ‘got-
chas’ out there that you can use to say that Christmas is
‘just a copy’ of something else. But that would totally miss
the point. No historical event has just one origin or just one
meaning. Jesus is the reason for the season? True! The
dark of winter drew peoples’ attention for millions of years
before Christ? True! The yule log was originally pagan?
True! Christmas shares elements with Mithraism and the cult
of Sol Invictus? Also true! Literal minds – atheist, Christian,
whatever – want to draw straight lines across history to find
‘the truth’, but the past doesn’t work that way. Look at the
history of Christmas and it’s a tangled, meandering mess,
an endless tangle of influence, appropriation, re-appropri-
ation, and parallel (but not necessarily rival) developments.
There’s something for almost everyone there. History is full
of rhythm, rhyme, and familiar smells that you can’t quite
place.
Speaking of re-appropriation: these days we focus a lot
on the time before Christmas. But until recently, it was the
twelve days of Christmas – December 25 to January 6,
Christmas to Epiphany – that was the real party. A chaotic,
drunken festival, an echo of the Roman Saturnalia where
peasants beat up the lords and aristocrats wore rags. Back
in the 1850s, the Victorians cracked down on the party and
turned Christmas into a commercial holiday with a whiff of
piety. Let’s get to work: Bring back the twelve days!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
“You never know when you’ll have a bad idea for a worse joke.”
SCRATCH AND SNIFF - GORILLA MY DREAMS
by Danny James and Lambi Hausen
I finally found myself abandoned. I think it was Times Square
because I was surrounded by an unusual amount of obnox-
ious corporate buildings. This was nice this was easy. Without
thinking much, I entered the closest of three single-screen
movie theaters. This is defiantly experimental. I was no longer
a liability to my friends, an ability to make their own designs
regarding… oh, I passed out from drinking warm whisky -- the
movie was Snakes on a Plane. they got mad at me -- now I was
free to make my own bad decision and pass out whenever I
damn well pleased.
A man in a trench coat sat next to me in the theater -- I know,
I know, but I am a human boy. I wasn’t scared but I wasn’t
uninterested. Okay, it’s a moot point, as I was saved by a very
large woman who entered the theater stage right, noticing me
and not my shadowy companion, and exclaimed “well, well,
well I guess it’s just you and me here after all.” It was probably
more like a a “I guess it’s just you and me, huh?”, anyway it’s
something I can’t quite capture because it was in her body
language. As soon as she sat in the chair next to mine the wraith
disintegrated and remerged in the back row. After exchanging
life stories with mama I went outside to call Lambi, no longer an
object of my affection, although she was never an object to me,
and and my affections still stand or stood.
_________ …. ________
Oh sweet jesus how far back do we go, I don’t even remember
this phone call.
This is what I remember.
I had taken a job at a coffee shop, having been unemployed for
several months following a… what would you call a breakdown;
you know if you don’t completely fall apart but kind of keep
clawing through?
Anyway you get the picture – I had taken to shooting dice and
drinking whisky in the early afternoons, having worked the
morning shift – my days had become this bender of work and
drink and fucking and sleep – I don’t know how long it had
been on like that, some weeks or months – That is where I met
Graham Marrow, he zeroed in on me immediately – He was
rough and desperate – wagging his tongue insistently and his
limbs inexhaustibly like the Silly Symphony, “Skeleton Dance”.
I suppose in my own delusion I thought it was hyperactivity
and a lack of proper socialization due to his upbringing as a
Jehovah’s Witness in rural Oregon – and come to find out it was
a decade long methamphetamine addiction. What can I say, we
all know hope and despair are frequent bedfellows.
He had been pricked in my life for almost exactly one week
when he proposed to me at an Indian restaurant sometime after
10pm. I was very sick; I remember I had ordered the food extra
spicy as hot as they could make it, thinking this and frequent hot
toddies constituted a kind of Naturopathic Treatment. It occurs
to me now that I may have agreed, in-between sneezes.
-------------….---------------
Jan, you sonofabitch I have been trying to get a hold of you.
Lambi, Guess where I am!?
Good God only knows.
What do you mean? I have been calling.
Well whomever it was that you’ve been calling, it wasn’t me.
That’s such bullshit I don’t even know where I am.
Okay, okay what does it look like where you are? Describe it to
me.
All the taxis are running in one direction and it is not where I
want to go. It’s painful.
It is painful. Are you safe?
What do you mean am I safe? I’m safe. I’ve got a MOTHER out
here… I miss you.
When do you get home?
As soon as I can pay for a $1,500 broken vase.
Oh, I don’t even want to know what happened. Why don’t you
have one of your bitches pay for it?
I don’t talk to her anymore. We are not on speaking terms.
So it’s her vase you broke? Oh no, it’s not the same girl you
pushed off the balcony is it?
No, no, balcony girl is fine. I am staying with her now. She is
great, you two would get along.
I highly doubt that. But I am glad she is okay. Hold on I’m get-
ting another call.
Fuck that, who?
Just this guy.
Just this guy, I don’t know what that means, I don’t remember
the names of any of these guys you choose.
I haven’t chosen anyone, period. He is some guy, let it go.
Okay. Hey I should probably go, I think someone is following me.
NEXT: QUIXOTIX!!! To be continued...
ACHTUNG! BURGER RECORDS AND SMiLE! PRESENTS:
DANNY JAMES
LIVE AT CAFE DU NORD
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 14 A Two Over Ten Production
I was free to make my own bad decision and pass out whenever I damn well pleased.
BAD news for
BAD times for
BAD people!!!
the road to hell is paved with uptight honkeys!
“I have almost reached the regrettable conclusion that the
Negro’s great stumbling block in his stride toward freedom is
not the White Citizen’s Counciler or the Ku Klux Klanner, but the
white moderate, who is more devoted to “order” than to justice;
who prefers a negative peace which is the absence of tension
to a positive peace which is the presence of justice; who con-
stantly says: ‘I agree with you in the goal you seek, but I cannot
agree with your methods of direct action’; who paternalistically
believes he can set the timetable for another man’s freedom;
who lives by a mythical concept of time & who constantly ad-
vises the Negro to wait for a ‘more convenient season.’ Shallow
understanding from people of good will is more frustrating than
absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will. Lukewarm
acceptance is much more bewildering than outright rejection.”
- Martin Luther King Jr.
YOU’RE STILL WRONG - POST MRR COLUMNS
“I feel like I’ve been freed from a strong & terrible master.”
-Socrates, when he found he could no longer maintain an
erection.
“I want you to imagine your ideal vacation spot,” the anes-
thesiologist tells me. “Warm. The waves lapping. You’re ly-
ing... basking in the sun. Nothing to do but relax and sleep.”
“My ideal vacation spot is a jungle in Africa,” I tell him, “with
naked natives begging for a crack at my white little body.”
He chuckles.
“Shouldn’t I be counting back from 100 or something?” I ask.
“You could try that,” he says.
“100... 99... 98...” I start. I get to 45.
“Something’s wrong,” he says. “You should have been out by
89.”
“My arm is killing me,” I tell him.
He walks to where the IV is puncturing a vein in my arm.
A clear, slightly viscous liquid drips from the vein onto the
floor.
“Shit!” he says.
Not exactly what you want to hear from a doctor.
The surgeon speaks this time. “Bring it around this side,”
she tells him. “Here, put it in his hand...in the back of his
hand.”
The sleep doc walks the needle around to my right side. He
pokes it into a vein in the back of my hand... tapes it down.
“100... 99... 98..” I say. I get to 92.
AUGUST 2013 It’s been a few hell-months for me. Besides
getting fired from MRR, I develop a hernia. Then, WITH the
hernia (in my body, not as a tool), I have to move furniture
so the bedbug guys can bedbug-proof the apartment. My
neighbors have ‘em. Soon, I’m suffering a bloody scalp
where books and a heavy speaker tumble onto my head as
I move a bookcase. A few days later, I lose a best friend,
an Israeli, because I’ve posted a facebook article critical
of Israel. Then, I have the hernia operation and awake with
horrible pain... in my shoulder! I needed the Oxycontin for
THAT! Not for my balls! Then, I find that the Oxycontin is
stupidly mixed with Tylenol so that if I have a beer and take
the pills my liver will dissolve. I can barely crawl out of bed.
I can’t use my stomach muscles to sit up. My shoulder pain
won’t let me use my arms to push myself up. Then, lying in
 “Why do you always have to get the most disgusting food?”
bed, my apartment fills with red dust... like a Gobi sand-
storm... so thick I can’t see. (They’re renovating the apart-
ment next door and sanding down the bricks to make them
look authentic.) Then, I start coughing from the dust, and the
cough tears at my just repaired abdominal muscles making
the blood trickle downward so my cock and balls turn black
from collected hemoglobin. (Photos soon on flickr.)
My pal Wanda stops in to nurse me. She has the keys. We’ve
been friends for more than two decades. Just friends...
She’s a lesbian, of course and she lives just down the street.
It’s a pleasure to see her leather-jacketed crew-cut self
swagger in through the bedroom door. She brings me a cup
of coffee from the Korean deli downstairs, and for some
reason a bean burrito.
“I can’t fart!” I tell her. “Gas just bubbles around my intes-
tines... like a juvenile delinquent... just hanging out...no
place to go.”
“It’s a breakfast burrito, Mykel,” she tells me. “It’s good for
you. Let me microwave it up.”
FLASH TO TWO YEARS AGO. I’m with my top-tier pal Sid.
We’re eating at a Mexican place in some state that does not
border on water. I order pig’s cheek taco.
“Why do you always have to get the most disgusting food?”
he asks.
“What do you mean disgusting?” I say. “How do you know
it’s disgusting? What if I like it?”
“I was just asking?” he says. “Just asking.”
BACK TO NOW: “Where’s the microwave?”asks Wanda.
“I can’t eat a burrito!” I cry. “I’m in pain. I can’t fart. I’ll
explode.”
“I was just asking,” she says.
FLASH BACK TO SID AGAIN: This time we’re couch-surfing
together... somewhere in the South, I think. The hostess is
a beautiful Latina. I can see both of us eying the parts she
shows when she’s leaving.
“Mykel,” says Sid, “do you ever think that you’re too old for
some of these girls. I mean, how can you expect anything
more than a smile when you’re old enough to be her father...
her grandfather?”
“What the fuck?” I say. “Let a girl wiggle her ass and the
insults start flying.”
“Insults? What insults?” says Sid. “I was just asking. That’s
all.”
RIGHT NOW: Yeah, I KNOW, just asking implies motive
behind the question. Yeah I KNOW questions themselves
can be irritating (What’s it like living your whole life as a
short person?), insulting (Don’t you think that people would
have more respect for you if you didn’t act like a 60-year old
baby?), racist (Why don’t Jews ever want to split the bill?),
and just asking doesn’t make them any less so. But ASKING
opens a door. Allows discussion. An answer, even if it’s that
the question is irritating/insulting/racist. It starts a dialog --
or should -- even if the dialog is about the question itself.
Lisa Carver (formerly Lisa Suckdog) posted on Facebook
how she lost friends by simply asking if CLASS WAR was
the same as CIVIL WAR. Just asking the question, lost her
friends, probably with accusations of you’re conservative, a
sell-out, or who-knows-what else. She’s not the only one.
Only in The Gambia have I met people who could talk about
anything, answer any question with a smile and another
helping of tea. Only they were not offended by the question,
but offered a thoughtful answer without taking ANYTHING
personally. This is NOT The Gambia.
Now, I’m writing my first column outside the yoke of Maxi-
mum Rock’n’Roll. I’m responsible to my readers, and them
only. I’m gonna ask a lot of questions here. I hope I don’t
lose friends... but it’s a writer’s dilemma: ask the questions
or BE NICE. The first choice will lose you friends. The sec-
ond will make you a bad writer.
Some questions need to be asked. For all but two years
after Timmy Y’s demise, MRR has been ruled by a cabal of
Iron Ladies. Like my Israeli friend who saw my criticisms of
Israel as “permission to kill Jews,” critical questions about
women at MRR are met with everything from vague hostility
to charges of ENCOURAGING RAPE. So now that I’m rela-
tively free, with friends, not a vocation, at risk, I will ask what
needs to be asked.
FLASH TO BEDSIDE: Wanda sits on a step ladder next to the
bed. She holds the coffee, with a straw for me to sip. I lay on
plumped up pillows.
“Hey Wanda,” I say. “Can I ask you a bunch of questions?”
“Sure,” she says, “no harm in asking questions.”
“Okay,” I tell her, “but the questions might make you mad. I
don’t want to risk your pouring hot coffee on my testicles.”
“Mykel,” she says, “I’ve known you for 20 years. I don’t think
you could ask anything to offend me. Besides, you’re only
asking, right?”
“Right,” I tell her.”And even more. I don’t want you to answer
the questions right now. I want you to take ‘em home with
you. Sleep on ‘em. Bring me some answers with my morning
coffee tomorrow. You can ask me if you don’t understand
something. But don’t answer. You can ask a question, but no
comments until you think it over. Okay?”
She doesn’t answer.
Wiseguy.
FLASH TO LAST MONTH: City Court. I’m here... called for
jury duty. In the first case I’m called for, a drug possession
case, I don’t even make it to the jury box. The second case
is a rape. I make it to the final stage on this one. It’s a charge
“Please, even a chuckle makes it feel like my insides are tearing themselves apart.”
against a homeless guy, brought by a drunken college girl.
I’d better not get on THIS jury. I might not survive.
During the person-by-person questioning, one of the pros-
ecutors reads New York’s definition of RAPE: penetration,
no matter how far, of the penis into the vagina... without
consent. And I think, what the fuck?
If rape is defined as penetration, no matter how far, of a
penis into a vagina, without consent... that means only men
can be rapists and only women can be victims. Women can-
not rape men or other women. Men cannot rape other men.
If a woman is drunk she is considered unable to give con-
sent... if she has sex, it’s rape. If a man is drunk, it doesn’t
matter. Only the woman’s condition matters. Is there another
crime so divided that only one gender can be the criminal,
and the other the victim? Could you imagine a crime where
only one RACE could be the criminal and another the victim?
What would that say about such a society?
BEDSIDE: “Okay Wanda,” I say. “The first question comes
from some thoughts I had in court.”
“What were you on trial for?” she asks me.
Wise guy. pork army mexico city needs protection, from pork?
Some of America’s Uptight Honkeys & their simpering al-
I explain the situation and ask her the question. She keep lies thought PORK’s new character “Acapulco Goldberg”
her composure. the Jewish expat Beat Poet on a Carlos Castaneda trip, was
racist, “an update of the lazy Mexican stereotype” one said.
“So you want me to go home and think about this? Right?” More complained that his jokes were racist. Joke writer Sean
Aaberg said, “Acapulco Goldberg’s character requires a cer-
“That’s right,” I say. “Otherwise it’ll just turn into a stupid tain amount of race & cultural specificity which many uptight
argument.” control freaks identify as “racism” when it suits their political
needs. But if we’re talking about ill will or judgment, we’ve got
She nods, tapping her unpainted nails against the step lad- nothing but good feelings for Jewish Beat Poets & Mexican
der. “Anything else?” Stoners.” In Mexico City, PORK ARMY commandantes Pugy Sin-
ner of Rock&Roll band Ugly Miss Piggy & Nestor Diaz Sanchez
“Yeah,” I tell her. “You know I’m pro-abortion. Look around. (pictured) eagerly await every new issue of PORK like some
It’s obvious we need more of them. But there’s something kind of Rock&Roll Quetzalcoatl. Pugy said, “They think we don’t
else. If abortion is legal, who should decide if the woman have a sense of humor or something? We were so happy that
gets one or not? The father? The pregnant woman? If it’s the PORK came to Mexico!”
woman who makes the sole decision (in my opinion, it should
be), then why should she be able to sue for child support? If
a man says, ABORT, but the woman says I’LL KEEP IT, then
it’s the woman’s choice ONLY. Should the man be forced to
pay for something he had no say in? If the baby were a 50-50
choice to make it and keep it, okay... split the costs 50-50.
But if it’s only up to ONE SIDE to have a baby or not, why
should the other side pay anything?”
That’s a lot to get out in one breath... too much. I inhale and
my lungs fill with brick dust. I start coughing. The pain is
unimaginable. I feel like I’m going to split open. Stitches tear.
My entire large intestine slide down the inguinal canal. At
least it feels that way.
Wanda comes to the rescue, sliding the coffee-with-the-
straw under face. I take a sip. Spit up all over my pajamas.
Wanda gets a paper towel from the kitchen and pats up
coffee. I’m breathing hard now. My lungs whistle with each
breath.
“Are you okay?” she asks.
I nod.
“Did you get that question?” I try to say, dribbling more cof-
fee into my beard..
She nods.
“Anything else?” she asks.
I nod... and hold up a finger to tell her I’m trying to get my
insides together. More gas rumbles through my guts. It
presses against my anal sphincter in a desperate bid for
freedom. Freedom denied.
I talk some more. “we’re going to have to send you back
“If abortion is legal,” I say, “then a mother choosing to for being a disruptive presence.”
destroy her fetus is not a murderer. BUT, the law says that
making a pregnant woman lose a baby, (say someone hits
her in the stomach), is MURDER in the eyes of the state.
STRENGTH THRU PORK IS ME & YOU. WITH SEAN AABERG
How come? Either killing a fetus is murder, or it isn’t? If it When I was a kid my folks were looking into moving back to
ISN’T murder, then why is the fetus destroyer charged with Montana from Oakland. We checked out this old Victorian
murder? If it IS murder, then why do mothers have the right farmhouse out in the middle of nowhere, the closest busi-
to murder their children in the womb and not after they’re ness being a pretty funky convenience store which had that
born?” 1974 Hamm’s beer feeling that I love. The house had been
abandoned for a while & there was lots of party detritus
“Does it matter that I’m a lesbian in answering all these from kids screwing around there: empty beer bottles,
abortion questions?” asks Wanda. graffiti, turds & dirty mattresses. In one of the rooms there
was a kid’s chest of drawers covered in old Weirdo stick-
“Naw,” I tell her. “It matters that you’re smart and you’re a ers like Weird Wheels, Wacky Packages & the like. I felt like
girl... It also doesn’t hurt that you’re here nursing me.” the kid was trying to communicate with me, to show me
that there was another one of us out there. I stick PORK in
“Okay,” she says, “Is there a way you can get more girls to weird places so that other people can happen upon it & be
nurse crotchety old men with hernias? I think it’ll help make reminded that this is out there & fighting on regardless of
more lesbians.” where so much of the country is going. We’re trying to find
the lost tribes of Weirdo Rock&Rollers out there, those that
I laugh. have kept the faith & we’re calling you back. Reinforcements
are coming! The PORK ARMY is crushing forwards!!!
“OW! OW! OW! Jeezus fuck that hurts,” I groan, “Please,
even a chuckle makes it feel like my insides are tearing
themselves apart.”
“Okay,” she says, “you have more questions?”
“Yes,” I tell her, “Why are liberals outraged at U.S. MILITARY
RAPE? Why is that more important than military murder?
Why are we worried more about soldiers abusing each other,
than about soldiers (or drones) murdering non-soldiers?
Why is equality among killers more important than prevent-
ing killing in the first place?”
“You finished Mykel?” she asks.
I can see that she’s not very pleased.
“You’re not going to hurt me?” I ask. “Roll me onto the floor,
make cough, do something that will pull at my delicate
sutures?”
“Of course not,” she answers. “What makes you think that?”
Then, she tickles me.
Q: What is brown, hairy & rigs elections? A: The Black Magic Coconut.
 I was shadowed by mysterious figures who were not who they
claimed to be. Mysterious aircraft hovered over my neighborhood!
My name is Chris Pittman, I am a UFO investigator. Since the
1990s, I have investigated a large number of UFO sightings
all over the United States. Most of the sightings I investigated
were simple misidentifications of normal things like aircraft and
weather, but there were a number of truly inexplicable reports
by credible people that I could not explain. I have written and
lectured about UFOs and related topics and I have done very
many interviews for radio programs, newspapers and televi-
sion, including a number of appearances on the popular show
“Ancient Aliens” on the History Channel. I am also a proud
Punk, I sing in WHO KILLED SPIKEY JACKET? and I have been
a part of the Boston Hardcore Punk scene for more than 15
years.
I meet very many Punks with a strong interest in UFOs
and the paranormal, I think that only makes sense. Punks are
of course distrustful of authority and the conspiracy theories
about UFOs have a strong appeal. The type of mind that finds
meaning in tasks like studding jackets and collecting obscure
records from other countries may also be willing to invest the
time needed to try to make sense of wild claims about en-
counters on the fringes of human experience. Also, speculat-
ing about UFOs, monsters and aliens is just fun. In my years
doing this I have met and worked with some very intelligent
and hard-working people including some of the big names in
the UFO field. I have sometimes talked to them about my band
and lifestyle and they seem to think it is great, I think because
they can identify with being a misunderstood outsider. UFO
study is an insular subculture of its own, with its own lingo and
ethics, cliques and scenes. For the most dedicated, UFOs are a
lifestyle.
Most Punks I meet who know about my UFO studies
or who have seen me on TV think what I do is really cool, but
of course there are some who think I am a kook, or who have
other not-so-nice things to say. I saw a discussion about my
band on the Internet where a picture of me wearing a suit on
TV was offered as proof that I am not a Punk. It was suggested
that I wear a suit every day as part of my regular job as a UFO
Expert for the History Channel. While I wish that was in fact my
job, the reality is that sometimes TV producers dictate what you
have to wear. I had to buy that suit jacket the night before the
interview, and I do these interviews usually only a few times a
year, nobody makes a living as a UFO investigator. I would love
to go on TV talking about UFOs wearing my studded jacket and
the other clothes I wear every day, and I have done lectures
and interviews in my everyday clothes when I can get away with
it, but I understand that it is hard enough to be taken seriously
when talking about bizarre and unproven claims even when one
is not dressed in a way most people don’t understand. And the
fact is I am willing to make some compromises to put myself out
there as someone who studies UFOs because I am passionate
about the subject and I enjoy talking about it with people.
I don’t “believe” in UFOs, that’s a word I associate
with faith and that has never been a part of my approach. I
have studied UFOs very intently and my conclusion, based on
my research and first-hand investigations, is that some UFO
sightings represent genuine encounters with a non-human intel-
ligence. There is, unfortunately, no proof of this; my conclusion
is based on an assessment of a lot of evidence but no con-
crete absolute proof. To me, there is nothing conclusive in that
evidence to strongly suggest that UFOs are alien spaceships,
and I think that it is more likely that the non-human intelligence
behind these sightings is based right here on this planet. I
also conclude that world governments know less about this
intelligence than I do, and I think the so-called “UFO Cover-Up”
is not hiding aliens in jars at Area 51, but rather decades of
helplessness and confusion on the part of governments and
militaries. The UFO phenomenon is more strange and complex
than any simple narrative about aliens in metal craft collecting
soil samples and probing people. It’s as old as humanity and it’s
mysterious and baffling and also, I think, very sinister.
I’ve had a lot of frightening experiences doing this.
I used to participate in regression hypnosis sessions with
so-called “UFO abductees,” the hours spent watching these
people re-live this vastly terrifying and traumatic experience
before my eyes were some of the scariest times in my life. On
one occasion I watched a woman lying still on a couch under
hypnosis suddenly develop huge bruises on her face, out of
nowhere. Any experienced UFO investigator will have a long list
of inexplicable experiences they have had working on cases.
Once, a co-investigator and I interviewed a witness in a very
compelling multiple-witness case associated with a lot of good
evidence. This witness was a sound engineer, he had wired
microphones in the room to record his own interview. My inves-
tigation partner and I both were using our own recorders during
this session, too; tape recorders we had both used countless
times. The interview session was frightening and compelling. At
the end of the session, we had three blank tapes. Not one of the
recorders had functioned at all. How can I explain that? I can’t.
There came a time in my life where things like that became com-
monplace. Colleagues died under mysterious and suspicious
circumstances, I was shadowed by mysterious figures who
were not who they claimed to be. Mysterious aircraft hovered
over my neighborhood and were reported on by the local news.
It became overwhelming and I had to step away for a while for
the sake of my own safety and sanity. I still really enjoy collect-
ing these stories, and talking about them, but I don’t get out
there on the scene and investigate reports in the way that I once
did very much anymore. There is a line you can cross and once
you pass it there are still more questions than answers, it’s not
worth it. Once you start looking at UFOs, they start looking at
you. And it’s dangerous.
I wanted to close with an observation that few in
the UFO field want to talk about. From the late 1940s through
perhaps the early 1970s, UFO evidence in the form of landing
traces, film and photos, and radar data piled up at a rapid pace.
There were “waves” with huge numbers of sightings, and lulls
in activity, but virtually every year yielded strong new evidence.
Once you start looking at UFOs, they start looking at you. And it’s dangerous. Send your questions to ask@theslowpoisoner.com or via the
Nothing surpasses the beauty and elegance of a bad idea.
There were times when great cases were reported on a weekly
if not daily basis -- for instance, cases where UFOs were
simultaneously seen by trained observers such as pilots, and
tracked on multiple radar screens. These cases made a strong
case for UFOs as actual physical craft of some kind, apparently
under intelligent control. Today, sightings like those seem-
ingly common in the 1950s and 1960s happen rarely if at all.
There are very few credible landing cases, few close daylight
encounters of any kind, and not much in the way of truly com-
pelling new photos and video. Most new sightings are of distant
lights at night, these are nearly impossible to evaluate. UFO
conferences now are often a mix of re-hashed old cases from
before the 1980s, and discussion of dubious and controversial
“abduction” claims. Today, with the incredible proliferation of
smartphones, a huge percentage of the population is carrying
a high-resolution digital camera and video recorder at all times.
If UFO activity had continued as it did decades ago, we would
expect to see a huge influx of new UFO photos and videos- but
we don’t. Some assert that this is proof that UFOs are not real,
I don’t see it that way. The phenomenon is still here but it has
changed. To be honest, sometimes I doubt that the cases I have
investigated in recent years, though entirely credible and unex-
plained, have the same root cause as those classic cases from
long ago. I wonder if maybe aliens didn’t really come here, do
their thing for a while, and then go back where they came from
-- leaving the UFO field running mostly on hype alone for the last
40 years.
WEIRD NEWS OF THE WORLD!!!
IT’S A WILD & WOOLY WORLD OF WEIRDNESS OUT THERE &
JJ MK LURKS IN THE ALLEYWAYS & GRAVEYARDS OF HITH-
ERTO UNKNOWN LANDS, OBSCURED BY FOG & MAGNETIC
FIELDS! A REPORT ON witchcraft! hoaxes! cryptoids!
ufos! ghosts! cults! conspiracy theories! scien-
tific scares! the occult! & all manner of weird-
ness from the MESSY, DOCUMENT STREWN desk of the
northwest’s premier dubiologist, jj mk!
AUGUST 7 WITCHCRAFT
Four men arrested in a Nepal village after accusing an elderly
widow of witchcraft, who they beat and then forced to eat hu-
man excrement!
AUGUST 13 GHOSTS
A Pennsylvania ghost hunter was arrested for stealing $2,500
while volunteering and ghost hunting over night at the haunted to trade off the resistance load with a flexible weight. It’s
Norristown Preservation Society Selma mansion!
SEPTEMBER 6 WITCHCRAFT
A black magic enchanted coconut found near a voting booth
(apparently its magic is specifically aimed at voting results) is tumorous jowls will fire A SWARM OF LOCUSTS STRAIGHT
to blame for voter rigging on the island nation of Maldives in the INTO YOUR EYEBALLS. HORDES OF FLAMING BEHEMOTHS
Indian Ocean!
the black magic coconut
September 13 GHOSTS
Rosie O’Donnell refuses to buy Olivia Newton-John’s Florida
home, despite the Australian singer hiring a professional to ex-
orcise the home, which is rumored to be haunted (the previous
owner committed suicide there)!
OCTOBER 2 WITCHCRAFT
Archeologists discover that only twenty-five years ago, Bulgar-
ians began to slow down the ritual practice of vampire slaying
funeral rituals, which included staking a corpse to the coffin
and beheading it!
OCTOBER 9 CRYPTOID
A surge of mutilated animals seem to coincide with eye witness
testimonies of a big, black, winged creature flying throughout
the community of Chicxulub Puerto, Mexico!!!
OCTOBER 20 CONSPIRACY THEORY
A new book concludes that after his assassination, President
Kennedy’s brain went missing…and his little brother may have
been the thief!!
OCTOBER 22 PSYCHIC PHENOMENON
A UK school bus driver is fired after refusing to pick up school
children at their route, due to a psychic premonition warning
the driver of danger!
NOVEMBER 7 WITCHCRAFT
Gloucestershire, UK, police have recently reported responding
to over 999 emergency calls, all involving vampires, were-
wolves, witches and wizards!?!
social network at facebook.com/TheSlowPoisoner
Wintertime is upon us, which means King Doldrums’ icy
tentacles are reaching down from the top of Mount Melan-
choly, bringing with them MADNESS & SUICIDE. What does
this mean for you, loyal PORK reader? Troubles, troubles
troubles! But never you mind - The Slow Poisoner is here to
help!
Where is a good place to hide the body?
- Beth Dean, San Francisco, California
My personal preference is to dig a shallow grave at the foot
of an apple tree. The roots of the apple tree (Malus domesti-
ca) are enterprising and hungry, and known to TWIST THEIR
WAY THROUGH THE CHEST CAVITY AND SLITHER DOWN
THE SPINE of the corpse. As the tree grows, the decayed
body will disappear up into the trunk, hidden from all but the
most unfortunate logger. Note: do not try this with a peach
tree, as a peach tree will only spell out your name with its
branches as it points to THE GREASY EARTH THAT BEARS
EVIDENCE OF YOUR SAVAGE MISDEED. Another great
method of corpse disposal is to wrap the body in an oriental
rug, which will ensure a quick mummification of your enemy,
who can then be encased in your curio cabinet as an antique
object d’art. This latter approach is similar to the cover-the-
victims-in-concrete-and-sell-them-to-art-dealers method
employed by beatnik sculptors in the late 1950’s. Thirdly,
there’s a dumpster behind the Pak-N-Save on 19th street
that is rarely opened; if you liquefy the cadaver with a weed-
whacker and some carbolic acid, then pour the poor devil
into the trash receptacle with a garden funnel, none shall be
the wiser!
Is it up to code in my area to run a 60-amp circuit through a
90-degree bend at 4 inches or do I need to go 6 inches?
– John Larson, Kansas City, Missouri
If you’re using pressure treated runners on a concrete pad,
regulations stipulate 4 inches will suffice for running a 60-
amp circuit through a 90-degree bend, provided that you uti-
lize a 20A GFCI exterior receptacle. Using the AWG (Ameri-
can Wire Gauge) diameter calculation, apply the formula of
D(AWG)=.005 x 92. Some find the 700 circular mils per amp
rule to be conservative, but for short lengths, it makes sense
also important to keep your neutral and ground wires sepa-
rate; if they should cross, the fanged mouth of Hell will open
as a gaping chasm beneath your blackened toes, and a sev-
en-headed scarlet beast with ten horns protruding from its
SHALL REMOVE YOUR SKIN SLOWLY WITH SALTY TONGS
WHILE SINGING IN PIERCING FALSETTO VOICES.
How does the magic hand work?
– Twisted, from the Eye of the Storm
The magic hand, or Hand of Glory, is the dried and pickled
hand of a man who has been hanged. Usually the left (or
“sinister”) hand works best. First, you’ll need to find yourself
a hanged man – this is easily accomplished by visiting the
town square after a murderer is caught, while the culprit is
still swinging from the gallows pole. With a serrated knife or
sharp hatchet, cleave the claw from the condemned. While
you’re at it, pluck five hairs from his or her evil head as well.
PLACE THE DISMEMBERED EXTREMITY IN A JUG FULL OF
SALT AND LONG PEPPERS overnight, and in the morning
insert the five hairs into the tips of the dead man’s fingers,
like wicks in the candles of a candelabra. When the sun goes
down, light the hairs on fire and hold the dead man’s burning
hand out before you (like a lamp) as you walk through the
village; your fellow citizens will fall into uninterruptable slum-
ber, and the Glory Hand will enable you to pass through any
locked door. You may now rob the townsfolk to your hearts’
content. Be careful not to get caught, however, or you are
likely to be hung in the town square and have your hand
sliced off by a fellow rapscallion!
Are there any carnivorous plants in Antarctica?
– Archbishop Jason Polland, Cedar City, Utah
Yes there are, provided that you are willing to travel back
in time. Six million years ago, Drosera spatulata (or “spoon-
leaved sundew”) coated the icy plains of Antarctica with
its pink, spiny prickles, before continental drift eventually
ran them up the mountains and into oblivion. If you want
to see them today, you will have to bend the laws of time
and space. Fortunately, this is not the impossibility it once
seemed. Einstein has demonstrated in his Rules of Special
Relativity that to achieve the speed of light (and thus travel
through time), an object’s rate of movement must accelerate
in accordance with increasing density. In other words, RUN
DOWN A HILL WHILE EATING DONUTS - soon you’ll be back
when it all began!
ASTROLOGICAL NOTES FOR THE QUARTER: Venus may be
the goddess of love and beauty, but as her planet goes retro-
grade between December 21st and January 31st, we’ll see
an increase of volcanic activity in our bathtubs. Those born
under the Capricorn sign will find that their alphabets to be
lacking crucial letters; if your moon is in Gemini, expect to
receive a large package of entrails.
CONFIDENTIAL to Glenn in Scottsdale: I would have to side
with your neighbor on this one. As the old saying goes, “A
shoe raised in anger in the morning leads to crows’ eggs by
afternoon.”
ARE YOU WONDERING HOW THAT THING
GOT ON YOUR HEAD? ASK THE ONLY MAN
WHO KNOWS, THE SLOW POISONER!
There’s this big book on zines at the Library (Powell’s), & it’s got all the covers of all these zines from, like,
1910 & shit, with stupid descriptions written next to them. It’s a pretty awesome book though, mostly
because it has pictures of all the covers of Sniffin’ Glue. That’s probably the first zine ever, really. That &
PUNK, with all the John Holstrom art & shit. It’s pretty extensive, with some 70s zines, like sci-fi zines & shit
like you used to get at comic conventions back then. Fanzines, you know, made by fans, duh. Unfortunately,
though, there’s no mention of early 60s zines like HELP, & the MAD inspired stuff, with Pro Junior in it - the
Harvey Kurtzman-esque shit that inspired the 60s underground humor mags. When Sniffin’ Glue came out,
it was pretty hard to find - like, you might see a copy at some junkie’s house, or find one in the gutter, but
it’s not like it was in the Record Store on St. Mark’s. PUNK Magazine was one of those mags that was too
well done to be underground, but was anyways because of content, or fate. Some would argue that without
at least some desperation, it’s hard to really put any soul, or even interesting content into art. It’s easy to
find passionless, self-serving art, writing, or music. It’s vapid, & doesn’t stand up to the rigors of time. It’s a
shadow of real art - it’s the band’s fourth album. It provokes no thought - the malaise & boredom that
comes with satisfaction is reflected in the uninspiring content. For me, doing zines isn’t so much a
reflection of my surroundings & experiences as a triumph over them. It’s not like I’m saying, “Hey, I’ve
done this shit, check it out!”, I’m more like saying, “Hey, I’ve done this shit, & then actually put out a comic
in the middle of it.” Although it’s probably a shitty comic, & will only sell 50 copies, at least it’s realistic, &
drawn good. Then, hopefully, I can put in some material about people that aren’t usually exposed to being
the subject of a comic - you know, cool weird or normal people. That’s why when I see horribly shitty art,
just total garbage, I feel obligated to tell the world how much it sucks - it’s assaulting my eyes with its sheer
lameness. Vanilla, middle of the road, ego-stroking bullshit, manga fan art, & bad sketches of, fuck, I don’t
know, dirty laundry or pussy willows in the snow in Wisconsin or some shit - that crap’s got to go. I just
can’t stand seeing it in the same paragraph with something cool. It’s like graffiti on a Van Gogh or some-
thing - it’s aggravating in its lack of expression, its waste of a message, its sheer self-serving, art school
dullness reflecting a casual sense of privilege & laissez faire that begs for energy, perhaps even arson.
But, that’s just my opinion - some people might like coffee table zines that match the sofa. I personally think
it’s a mental rim job though, to not at least fuck up the status quo somehow. You owe it to all our forebears
who put out the great zines in the past, to show them they didn’t waste their time by taking risks & losing
money putting out cool shit. There is not a lot of violence in zines.There’s probably some violent slogans in
some anti-government zines, but they’re pretty vague & not very interpersonal; smash the state, hate
capitalism, that kind of stuff. You don’t find a lot of examples of zines being directly connected to violence.
That’s why what happened to me the other night is all the more fucked up. I did a poster for my friend’s
band, & he said I should come check out his gig at a house party. I don’t go out to Punk shows that much
anymore, so I figured sure, why not. I hit the joint wearing my cool old Punk Rock vest, & found the dumpy
house right away - there were all these beer swilling retro sluts out front. A real sophisticated looking
crowd. So I go to go in, & this kid at the front door hits me up for 5 dollars. I was all like, “I’m Bobby
Madness - I did a poster for the band.” So then he says, “There’s 6 bands - 5 dollars.” So I gave him 10, &
went downstairs. It smelled like piss & stale Hamm’s. The sound was so shitty, the singer sounded like a
Hitler speech. Then this group of Green Day on welfare lookin’ motherfuckers were eyeballing me, so I
figured they wanted to fuck me or something. One of them comes over & says, “Hey, are you really Bobby
Madness, the cartoonist?”. I figured, hey, I’m finally getting my props. So I said, “Yeah!”, & he said, “Your
comics are racist, homophobic bullshit.” I couldn’t think of a comeback, so as he walked away, I screamed,
“Homophobic? I used to suck dick all the time!” But right before that, the band hit the last note on their last
tune, so all everybody heard was, “I USED TO SUCK DICK ALL THE TIME!!!” Now the whole place stared at
me, & I was pissed. So I went to chill. Then after a minute, I went up to him & said, “Hey, have you seen my
new zine?”, & he was like, “No”, & I said, “Yeah, it’s called “I’m Gonna Punch You In The Face - here’s a
free copy”, & punched him in the face. I was drunk, though, so it was a glancing blow, & my fist hit this
chick walking by right in the left tit! She fell backwards crying, & spilled beer all over 5 Rose City Boot Boys.
I said, “Sorry, ladies”, to lift the tension. Next thing I know, for no reason they jump me! So I try to stand up,
but like 5 guys are beating my ass - so I’m staggering around like a 10 armed tasmanian devil, & everything
in the house gets wrecked. Finally, I grabbed a reciever off a broken shelf & smashed it into one fucker’s
head, then threw another guy into a tropical fish-tank, & when it smashed people slipped around, & in the
chaos, I kicked out a window upstairs after grabbing a computer, & split. Luckily, I wasn’t hurt, so it all went
well, but I think that’s a good example of zines & violence! One thing about Portland & the country in
general, is that it’s non-racist, non-sexist, & non-homophobic. Working within the parameters of this
dynamic makes it challenging to be humorous. It’s not impossible; it just takes more work. Lucky for me,
I’m in the final phases of my court ordered sensitivity training. I’ve been taking courses in political
correctness for 2 years, to improve my sensitivity level & beat an Assault 4 rap. It’s eye-opening to take
everyone else’s comfort level into consideration constantly, but it beats jail. One thing about being so PC
though, is it’s really hard to get laid. I mean, I’m into foreplay & mood setting, but this new sexuality is like
the Da Vinci Code or something! It would probably be easier to put a bill through congress than to get laid,
if you’re a white male these days, what with taking on the sins of the patriarchy constantly. I can handle it
- hey, it’s all my fault anyway, right? But nonetheless, the primary sexual urges felt by any human being are
undeniable. That’s why I was pretty surprised when I found out that while I wasn’t paying attention, my dick
made a zine! I don’t know how it happened. I saw it around town, & was like, “Hey, that zine looks cool. I
wonder who made it?”. Well, imagine my surprise, when I found out it was made by my own penis without
my knowledge! It was pretty good too, with some insightful articles on birth control & reproductive rights.
Hygiene tips & band reviews were decent, & the wacky copy machine cover was hilarious. Still, & I guess
this is just my “control freak” nature coming out, but I really think, since it is MY dick, that it could have told
me that it was putting out it’s own self-published magazine. Like, what next? My other body parts haven’t
put out any zines - I hope! I know my brain doesn’t contribute much. I guess he was just bored, lonely, sick
of being ignored. I’m glad he found a way to express his feelings & communicate. Maybe he could trade
with other genitalia of all creeds & races. God knows there’s a lot of penises out there in the same boat.
I’m curious as to when the next issue will be out, & what kind of discourse will follow. I’m not sure who it’s
been talking to, but I know my dick has access to the internet. Honestly, it’s about time my dick got more
involved in what’s going on around it - it’s been surreptitiously involved in the decision making process for
awhile anyway. So hey, zine community, let’s give a shout out to my dick!

Why did the elephant go in the mens restroom? To get some nuts.
SHAMEFUL FUNNIES MAKING LIGHT OF LIFE’S TRAGEDIES, LAUGH A LITTLE AT THE EXPENSE OF CARTOONISTS ON

FORMERLY CALLED “GRAPHIC NOVELS” & “SEQUENTIAL ART”, COMICS ARE FINDING A NEW AUDIENCE WITH STONERS,

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How do you get a record company executive out of a tree? --Cut the rope
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