. TERRI DEMARTINI EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND "You Bet" Written by~ Ellen Sandler & Steve Skrovan Directed by Will Mackenzie i Copyright © 1999 HBO Independent Productions All Rights Reserved. ‘This script is not for publication ar reproduction. No one is authorized to dispose of same. If lost or destroyed, please notify the Script Department. “THE WRITTEN CREDITS MAY NOT BE FINAL AND SHOULD NOT BE USED FOR PUBLICITY OR ADVERTISING PURPOSES WITHOUT FIRST CHECKING WITH THE NETWORK TELEVISION DEPARTMENT. #9902-403 EINAL DRAFT August 20, 1999EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND "You Bee" FINAL DRAFT ae 8/20/99 TEASER EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND "You Bet" TEASER EADE IN: ‘INT._RAY_AND DEBRA‘S KITCHEN - NIGHT (NIGHT 1) (Ray, Debra, Frank) RAY_ENTERS WITH HIS BRIEFCASE, HOME FROM WORK. HE LOOKS DAMP. RAY (ENTERING) Hey, powder puff. FRANK TURNS FROM THE FRIDGE, HANDLING A COUPLE OF APPLES. RAY SEES HIM. A BEAT. RAY (CONT'D) That's right. I'm talking to you. What are you doing here? FRANK I got a rash on my leg. RAY Then,, by all means, touch all my food. DEBRA ENTERS WITH A TUBE OF OINTMENT. DEBRA (HANDING HIM BOTTLE) Here's the ointment, Frank. FRANK Thanks. HE STARTS UNBUCKLING HIS PANTS.EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND nyou Bet™ FINAL DRAFT 8/20/99 RAY Uh, Dad, that’s to go. FRANK Alright, alright. FRANK STARTS TO GO. DEBRA (TO RAY) Hi. (KISSES HIM) Ew, you're all wet. What happened to you? RAY Iwas in the Giants’ locker room, and I ended up in the shower with Joe Taggart. FRANK STOPS AND EXCHANGES A LOOK WITH DEBRA. FRANK Don't tell your mother. It'll kill her. RAY I was doing interviews. Listen, it's after practice, everyone's pretty much cleared out. I hear the shower still goin', and I look in. FRANK What are you lookin’ in for? RAY Nothin’, the shower was still goin’, it’s a waste of water. (MORE) TEASEREVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND nYou Bet" FINAL DRAFT 3. 8/20/99 TEASER RAY (CONT'D) Anyway, it was Joe Taggart and he’s just sittin’ on the floor with his head down and the water goin’ on him. And you know what he says to me? FRANK Do my back? RAY He tells me he just found out that his favorite receiver, Ricky Furlong, who also happens to be his best friend, has... been... with his wife. DEBRA (SHOCKED) .No! FRANK And when you say, “been”, you mean... RAY Yep. Doin' the ole wee wacky woo hoo. FRANK (SHAKING HIS HEAD) Women. DEBRA . You automatically blame the woman? FRANK She's cheatin’ on her husband. DEBRA What about the best friend? He has no responsibility?EVERYBODY 8/20/99 LOVES RAYMOND "You Bet" FINAL DRAFT 4. FRANK Let me explain something. God programmed man to sow his seed where he may. He programmed woman to limit the crops to one farmer. This broad obviously didn't get with the program. DEBRA (70 FRANK) Well, maybe the woman was unhappy. Did you ever think of that? RAY He told me everything seemed fine. DEBRA (TO RAY) Well, maybe he was out of touch with her feelings. RAY Maybe he had a lot on his mind. DEBRA Maybe she needed someone to talk to. RAY Maybe all her talking was complaining. DEBRA Maybe he was on the road a lot. RAY Maybe he was trying to make a living! DEBRA Maybe when he was home, he just sat on the couch and watched TV all the time!EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND "You Bet* FINAL DRAFT 5. 8/20/99 TEASER A MOMENT, THEN: FRANK When are you gonna learn, Ray You can’t talk sports with the wife. cur to: OBENING CREDITSEVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND "You Bet* FINAL DRAFT 6. 8/20/99 T/A ACT ONE ‘SCENE A EADE_IN DEBI (Ray, Debra} IT'S DARK. DEBRA IS ASLEEP. RAY SHUFFLES IN, BAREFOOT, LOOKING PREOCCUPIED. HE GETS INTO BED AND WORKS HIS WAY UNDER THE COVERS DEBRA STARTLES AWAKE. DEBRA (YELPING) Ah! RAY (STARTLED BY DEBRA) Ah! What?! What's wrong? DEBRA, Your feet are freezing! RAY I know, I'm trying to warm ‘em up. DEBRA Don‘t warm ‘em up on me! HE TOUCHES HER AGAIN. SHE JUMPS AGAIN. DEBRA (CONT'D) Ah! Stop! I'll call the cops, RAY What am I, a leper? : DEBRA I wish you were. Then you might not have feet. Why are they so cold?EVERYBODY 8/20/99 LOVES RAYMOND syou Bet* FINAL DRAFT oe T/A RAY I went downstairs for a little while. I couldn't sleep. DEBRA ‘That's what you get for scarfing down a whole bag of cheeseballs before bed. RAY Hey, don’t start on my cheeseballs. Listen, I was thinking about my Dad. There's something weird about him. DEBRA Hey. I will not sit idly by and allow you to besmirch the good name of Frank (WAVING HANDS IN AIR) “Hey, Everybody, I’ve Got A Chicken Bone Up My Nose” Barone. RAY I don’t mean that kind of weird. This is like an attitude thing. It’s Hard to describe... it started the other day. I'm working on my colum... ‘TIME DISSOLVE TO:EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND "You Bet" FINAL DRAFT 8. 8/20/99 eB INT. _RAY'S OFFICE - FLASHBACK “= DAY (DAY XJ (Ray, Frank) CLOSE ON RAY CONCENTRATING INTENSELY. WE PULL BACK TO REVEAL HIM AT HIS DESK, A BOTTLE OF ELMER'S GLUE IN HIS HAND. HE HAS COATED THE PALM OF HIS OTHER HAND WITH IT AND IS BLOWING ON THE GLUE. THEN, HE PEELS OFF THE GLUE. IT COMES OFF IN ONE LARGE PIECE. RAY Ooooch. ERANK COMES DowN THE STAIRS. FRANK Hey. RAY Hi... (BEAT, SHOWING THE DRIED GLUE) fake skin. RAY TACKS IT 10 THE WALL, NEXT TO THREE OTHERS. RAY (CONT'D) What's today, Thursday? FRANK Yeah. RAY WRITES ON THE FAKE SKIN. RAY Did you want something? FRANK No, I just wanted to return the ointment.EVERYBODY 8/20/99 LOVES RAYMOND you Bet" FINAL DRAFT RAY Yeah, how'd that work out for you? FRANK NODS, STILL SMILING. A MOMENT. FRANK Good, good. RAY You didn’t come down here te show me, did you? FRANK Wah. Hey, you know, I was talkin’ to Garvin and Stan the other day, ‘and they read your colum. They were goin’ on about how much they liked it. RAY Oh, yeah? Tell ‘em thanks. FRANK Me, too. I thought it was good, too. You're a good writer. I ever tell you that? RAY (CONSIDERING FOR A MOMENT) No. FRANK You're a good writer. RAY .++Thanks. zBEVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND "you Bet" FINAL DRAFT 10. 8/20/99 BE FRANK So, whatcha workin' on there today? RAY Just something about Ken Griffey gr. FRANK Yeah? RAY Yeah, he's been in a slump, so he called his father to fix his swing. Did you know he does that? FRANK Oh, yeah? That's a good father. (BEAT, THEN) Hey, remember how I took you out to the playground there at the school? f hit fly balls to you... RAY oh, yeah. Yeah. I remember that day. FRANK I liked that. (BEAT) Me and you should do that again sometime. RAY LOOKS AT HIS FATHER. ON RAY'S PERPLEKED EXPRESSION, WE TIME DISSOLVE TOEVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND "You Bet* FINAL DRAFT 11. 8/20/99 re ACT _ONE ‘SCENE _C INT._RAY_AND DEBRA'S BEDROOM - PRESENT - NIGHT (NIGHT 2) (Ray, Debra) RAY AND DEBRA ARE WHERE WE LAST LEFT THEM. SHE LOOKS AT HIM FOR A MOMENT, THEN: DEBRA Wow. ‘That is weird. RAY It was. It was like he was trying to be... a dad or something. The last couple of days he’s been like all... pleasant. DEBRA Pleasant. Wonder what’s wrong with him. RAY Remember that construction worker in “Ripley's Believe It Or Not” who got a metal rod stuck through his brain? The guy lived, but his personality changed. DEBRA Let me guess. He was suddenly more irritable. : RAY Yes. But with my dad, it’s the opposite. (MORE)EVERYBODY 8/20/99 RAY Nops, LOVES RAYMOND "you Bee" FINAL DRAFT 12. ue RAY (CONT'D) ALL of a sudden, he’s like a nice guy. I mean at first it seemed kinda fake. But then... I don’t know... we were just talkin’ and he was... ‘listening’. It was nice. I don’t know, I liked it. DEBRA I think that’s great. You know what it could be? He’s getting older, and this is how he’s trying to connect with you. Your father’s not the type of guy who would change if you told him to, but maybe he’s come around to it himself. THEN: RAY Or there’s a rod in there somewhere.EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND "You Bet* PINAL DRAFT. 13. 8/20/99 rD ACT ONE SCENE _D oN" K 1 DAY (Ray, Marie, Robert, Garvin, Stan) ROBERT WATCHES MARIE PLACE A FROZEN CASSEROLE INTO A LARGE COOLER. ROBERT Ma, I shop for myself now. I really don’t need all this. MARIE I saw your refrigerator in that apartment. (RE: BAG) Now, this is beef Stroganoff. Eat this with the noodles. (RE: CASSEROLE) And this is your favorite, steak ‘n macaroni 'n ham ‘n cheese Alfredo. Wait, 1 have some extra Alfredo sauce to go with that. ROBERT (GRUDGINGLY) Okay, Ma. I appreciate it. .With my schedule, it’s hard to eat healthy. ROBERT GRABS A DRUMSTICK OFF A PLATE AND RAISES IT TO HIS MOUTH, EYEING IT LASCIVIOUSLY. ROBERT (CONT'D) Ohhh baby...EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND "You Bet* PINAL DRAFT 14. 8/20/99 r/D MARIE (GRABBING DRUMSTICK) Robbie, that’s not for you. The chicken’s for Raymond. ROBERT (MUMBLING 10 HIMSELF) Of course, Raymond gets the chicken. MARIE PUTS THE DRUMSTICK BACK ON THE PLATE AND TURNS BACK TO THE REFRIGERATOR. RAY ENTERS. AD-LIB GREETINGS. RAY Dad around? MARIE You just missed him. He's on his way to the barber shop. ROBERT Barber? why doesn't he just go to the bowling alley and stick his head in the ball buffer? ROBERT AND MARIE LAUGH. RAY . Hey, c’mon, that’s a little rough. MARIE AND ROBERT REGARD RAY STRANGELY. ROBERT What? RAY Listen, does Dad seem different to you guys lately?EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND "You Bet" FINAL DRAFT 8/20/99 MARIE AND ROBERT EXCHANGE LOOKS, CONSIDERING. MARIE Now that you mention it, he has been in a very good mood. RAY Yeah. MARIE And I've noticed he hasn't been quite 80 cheap. Like today. He's not only getting a hair cut. He's also getting a shave. ROBERT I think if you're chargin’ him for a haircut you throw in the shave. RAY c'mon, man. Lay off. AS MARIE TURNS AWAY, ROBERT TRIES TO TAKE ANOTHER BITE OUT OF THE CHICKEN. MARIE TURNS BACK. ROBERT TOSSES IT BACK ON THE PLATE. RAY (CONT‘D) I think he’s been acting different to me lately. ‘Like... nice. ROBERT Yeah? Typical. After forty years, Dad decides to warm up to somebody, and who is it? ROBERT GESTURES. TO RAY.EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND sYou Bee" FINAL DRAFT 16. 8/20/99 r/D RAY So, he hasn't been nicer to you? ROBERT Surprising, isn't it? MARIE TURNS AROUND. ROBERT TAKES A BITE AND HIDES THE DRUMSTICK BY FOLDING HIS ARMS ACROSS HIS CHEST. MARIE Robert, chicken doesn’t go there! and that’s not for you! It’s for Raymond! MARIE TAKES IT FROM ROBERT AND GIVES IT TO RAY. RAY LOOKS AT IT. RAY I'm good. HE HANDS IT BACK TO ROBERT. SEX: DOORBELL. MARIE Raymond, would you get that, please? RAY EXITS TO THE LIVING ROOM. MARIE (CONT'D) (70 ROBERT) Give me that. ROBERT . (DEFIANTLY) Raymond said I could have it. SHE PULLS IT OUT OF HIS MOUTH AND THROWS IT IN THE GARBAGE. ROBERT (CONT'D) What are you doing?EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND "You Bet* FINAL DRAFT 17. 8/20/99 1/D MARIE, It’s the only way you'll learn. RESET_TO: INT. FRANK AND MARIE'S LIVING ROOM - ConTINUOUS RAY OPENS THE FRONT DOOR TO REVEAL GARVIN AND STAN. STAN HOLDS A BULGING ENVELOPE. RAY Hey, Garvin. Stan. GARVIN Hey, Ray's here! (RAISING HIS ARMS) Ha-hah! RAY (RIGHT BACK AT HIM) Ha-hah! STAN Hi, Ray. Weve got the money we owe your old man. (CALLING OFF) Frank! RAY He's not here right now. He's at the barber shop getting a shave and a hair cut. GARVIN How do you like that. Diamond Jim Brady's gettin’ a shave, too. I guess we're paying for that shave. RAY Isn't. tonight poker night? why don’t you just give it to him then?EVERYBODY 8/20/99 LOVES RAYMOND "You Bet* PINAL DRAFT 18. 1D STAN I’m not gambling with him anymore. GARVIN Me neither. I've never seen a person on such a hot streak. STAN It's not natural. It's supernatural. GARVIN (TO STAN) You know why? Because he's awitch. That's what he is. A witch. STAN (TO GARVIN) Not a witch. A warlock. GARVIN Nobody says warlock anymore. They're all witches. : STAN You're telling me he's a male witch? GARVIN . You don't say “male witch". It's like "male nurse". Nowadays, they're all just "nurses". RAY Alright, I'll get this to him --EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND You met" FINAL DRAFT 19. 8/20/99 rD STAN Then I say he's a "witch doctor". 1 swear, Ray, he put some kind of voodoo curse on Joe Taggart last week. GARVIN Yeah, he kept saying he had this "feeling" Joe Taggart may be off his game. RAY Wait a minute. I thought you were talkin’ about poker. STAN No, no, we've been bettin’ sports. GARVIN Yeah, and he takes Seattle. over the Yanks, and wouldn’t you know Griffey breaks out of his slump and smacks a couple of homers. STAN Come on, Garvin. We'll catch up to him at the barber shop. THEY START TO HEAD OUT. RAY Uh... wait. You know what? (RE: ENVELOPE) I'1l see that he gets that. STAN That's.alright. we'll do it.EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND "You Bees FINAL DRAFT 8/20/99 RAY No. If you don't mind, I'd really like to give it to him. GARVIN Fine with me. STAN HANDS RAY THE ENVELOPE. STAN (EXITING) He's not a gracious winner, your father. (TO GARVIN) You know what he is? He's a witch who made a pact with the devil. GARVIN (EXITING) He didn't make a pact with the devil. He is the devil. satan! Beelzebub! ‘STAN EXITS GARVIN (CONT'D) The house numbers here should be 666! (TURNING BACK TO RAY) Nice to see you, Ray. Say “hit to your mom. GARVIN EXITS. RAY LOOKS INSIDE THE ENVELOPE, AND WE... 20. r/D FADE OUT END_OF ACT ONEEVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND "You Bet* FINAL DRAFT 2i. 8/20/99 IIE SCENE E EADE_IN: (Ray, Frank, Sal, Dominic) IT'S A SMALL, OLD FASHIONED BARBER SHOP WITH TWO CHAIRS. SAL, THE + BARBER, IS IN A WHITE SMOCK. FRANK IS IN MID-SHAVE. ' SAL'S PARTNER, DOMINIC, ALSO IN A WHITE SMOCK, WAITS IN THE OTHER CHAIR, FEET UP ON THE COUNTER, FLIPPING THROUGH A GIRLIE MAGAZINE. FRANK (SIGHING) Ahhh... I feel like I'm back in the womb. SAL Fifteen years you been coming to me, Frank. How come you finally let me give you a shave? FRANK Times are good, Sal. Times are good. RAY ENTERS WITH THE ENVELOPE. RAY Hey, Dad. FRANK Hey, Ray! Sal, this is my son, Ray: SAL A son? Fifteen years you never told me you had a son. . FRANK I got two, This‘one's a sportswriter. A great sportswriter.EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND nyou Bet" FINAL DRAFT 8/20/99 Dad, c'mon. FRANK Don't be modest. He's one of the best. You ever hear of Ray Barone? SAL Ray Barone? You're Ray Barone's father? Fifteen years you never told me your last name. FRANK I didn't want to bother you. RAY Here, Garvin and stan dropped by. Wanted me to give you this. RAY PUTS THE ENVELOPE ON FRANK'S LAP. FRANK Ah, thank you. RAY What, did you win at poker or something? FRANK Yeah, something like that. Hey, Ray, how about a shave? RAY Oh, I don't think se. 22. II/EEVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND "You Bet" FINAL DRAPT 23. 8/20/99 I1/E FRANK I know this is not the high falutin' "salon" you usually go to. RAY The Hair Barn? FRANK C'mon. We can talk. RAY Oh, you wanna talk? Great. Let’s talk. FRANK My treat. RAY MOVES TOWARD THE CHAIR. RAY Your treat? In that case,- give me a per FRANK & shave for my boy, Sal. SAL TURNS T MAGAZINE. IS PARTNER, DOMINIC, WHO IS ENGROSSED IN THE SAL Dominic. (BANGS ON COUNTER) Customer. DOMINIC SIGHS HEAVILY, HEAVES HIMSELF OUT OF THE CHAIR AND HEADS FOR THE HOT TOWELS. RAY GETS INTO THE CHAIR. SAL (CONT‘D) Aw, see, this is nice. Father and son gettin’ a shave together. My son won't even talk to me. (MORE)EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND "You Bet" PINAL DRAFT 8/20/99 SAL (CONT'D) Maybe it’s that metal bolt he stuck through his tongue. SAL CONTINUES TO SHAVE FRANK WITH A STRAIGHT RAZOR. FRANK That's too bad. A father should be able to talk to his son. Right, Son? RAY Right, Dad. We've had some real good conversations lately, haven't we? FRANK We sure have. RAY They've been very enriching. Have they been enriching for you, Dad? DOMINIC PUTS SOME HOT TOWELS ON RAY'S FACE. RAY YELPS. RAY (CONT’D) (RIPPING TOWELS OFF) Ahh! God, that’s hot! DOMINIC Hot towel. SAL What, do you got that sensitive skin? RAY Yeah, it's sensitive to fire. 24. II/E SAL RESUMES SHAVING FRANK. DOMINIC BEGINS LATHERING RAY'S FACE.EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND You Bet" FINAL DRAFT 25. 8/20/99 11/E FRANK So Ray, whatcha been working on? RAY Hockey. You know, the Avalanche is in town to play the Rangers. FRANK The Rangers don't have a chance. RAY I wouldn't be so sure. FRANK Oh yeah? Why? RAY Nobody knows this yet, but -- RAY MOVES HIS HEAD CAUSING DOMINIC TO ACCIDENTALLY GET SOME LATHER UP RAY'S NOSE. RAY SITS UP AND FRANTICALLY TRIES SNORTING IT OUT. DOMINIC You moved. RAY CONTINUES TO SNORT. FRANK What, Ray? Nobody knows what? WITH ONE LAST SNORT, RAY FINISHES CLEARING HIS NOSE. RAY Nobody knows about Patrick Roy (WAH). FRANK The Avalanche goalie?EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND "You Bee* PINAL DRAFT 26. 8/20/99 II/E RAY Yeah, he's out. Knee problems. I think the Rangers have a pretty good shot tonight. FRANK oh, yeah? No kidding. (GETTING UP) Thanks, Sal. I feel like a baby’s butt. FRANK QUICKLY GETS OUT OF THE CHAIR. RAY Hey, Dad, what's your hurry? FRANK I gotta see a guy about a thing. RAY But, Dad, I thought we were gonna talk. FRANK PULLS SOME BILLS OUT OF THE ENVELOPE AND HANDS THEM TO SAL. FRANK Okay there, buddy. And here (ANOTHER BILL). That’s for my favorite son. ERANK EXITS. RAY CHUCKLES TO HIMSELF, HAVING ACCOMPLISHED HIS GOAL. DOMINIC (STROPPING HIS RAZOR) Father and son. A sacred thing. (STARTS TEARING UP) What you two have... beautiful. (MORE)EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND "You Bet" FINAL DRAFT 27. 8/20/99 II/E DOMINIC (CONT'D) (TO RAY) Now don’t you move your head. This is very sharp, honey. AS RAY’S EYES WIDEN, DOMINIC BRUSHES AWAY HIS OWN TEARS, AND WE...EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND "You Bet" FINAL DRAFT 28. 8/20/99 1I/H ACT TWO. ‘SCENE INT. RAY AND DEBRA'S KITCHEN - NIGHT. (NIGHT 3. - (Ray, Debra, Marie, Frank, Robert, Ally, Geoffrey (0.S.), Michael (0.S.)). RAY, ROBERT, DEBRA AND ALLY ARE FINISHING DINNER. DEBRA (TO RAY) So, your father’s been using you? ANGLE ON: RAY, WHO SITS WITH A BAND-AID ON HIS CHIN. RAY Yep, I’m just a tip sheet to him. ROBERT CHUCKLES. RAY (CONT'D) what are you laughin’ at? ROBERT (STILL LAUGHING) I thought he liked you more. Welcome home. RAY Alright, bed time, Ally.. C’mon, I/11 take. you upstairs. ALLY 11 you sing me to sleep? RAY (UNENTHUSIASTICALLY) Sure, sweetie. (SINGING AS THEY Go) “Papa was a rolling stone. (MORE)BVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND "You FINAL DRAFT 29. 8/20/99 1I/H RAY (CONT'D) Wherever he laid his hat was his home. And when he died all he left us was alone...” RAY AND ALLY EXIT UP THE STAIRS. ROBERT AND DEBRA START CLEARING DISHES. DEBRA. TAKES A COUPLE OF DIRTY DISH TOWELS AND EXITS INTO THE LAUNDRY ROOM. MARIE STORMS IN, AGITATED. MARIE Oh, Robert, I'm glad you're here. I just figured out why your father has been acting so differently. ROBERT Yeah, Ma, Ray just told us. MARIE Raymond knows? Why couldn't I see it? The pleasantness. The spending. The haircut. It all adds up. -He’s fooling around. ROBERT Fooling around? MARIE I'll tell you something. If he thinks he’s gonna stay with me and keep some chippy on the side... FRANK BURSTS IN, BELLOWING. FRANK Ray! Ray Barone! MARIE Who is it, Frank? Harriet Lichtman?EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND "You FINAL DRAFT 30. 8/20/99 11/H Where's Ray? FRANK MARCHES TOWARD THE LIVING ROOM WITH MARIE FOLLOWING HIM. MARTE Just bridge partners, huh, Frank? You know, that’s a wig she wears. ERANK ENTERS, WITH MARIE CLOSE BEHIND. FRANK (CALLING) Ray! DEBRA ENTERS FROM THE LAUNDRY ROOM AND FOLLOWS THEM IN, ROBERT BEHIND HER. DEBRA Quiet please. The kids are in bed. FRANK (CALLING) Ray! . o HURR: WN THE R Yes? ALLY (0.S.) (CALLING) Mommy! DEBRA You're killin’ me, Frank. DEBRA EXITS UP THE STAIRS. FRANK TURNS ON THE TV. RAY (INNOCENTLY) Hey Dad, good to see you. Come over for another chat?EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND "you Bet" FINAL DRAFT 31. 8/20/99 In/K MARIE Don’t think you can come crawling back, Frank. Lips that touch Harriet Lichtman will never touch mine. FRANK Quiet, Marie. (TO RAY) I go to the lodge tonight. 1 turn on the Rangers/Avalanche game. It's in overtime. (RE: TV) And who de I see playing goalie for the avalanche? RAY Why, I believe that's Patrick Roy. MARIE Does anyone care about me? ROBERT Ma, Dad’s not cheatin’ on you. He’s cheatin’ on Ray. MARIE What? FRANK og (TO RAY) You told me he wasn’t playing tonight. RAY I must‘ve got it wrong. Oops. FRANK Oops? -I got a lot of money on this game!EVERYBODY 8/20/99 A MOMENT. LOVES RAYMOND "You Bet" FINAL DRAFT RAY Money? Dad, you wouldn’t bet with information I gave you, would you? FRANKS’S EYES WIDEN. FRANK You set me up. RAY Yes, sir. FRANK I'm family. You never go against the family. RAY What family? You used me. Coming around, acting all warm and cuddly. Compliments out the whazoo. All you wanted was inside information so you could bet the guys at the lodge. MARIE So, you're not having an affair with Harriet Lichtman? . FRANK Was there an offer? ROBERT See, Ma, I told you it was nothing. MARIE Hm. You would think I’d be happier. C'mon, Robbie. 32. 11/HEVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND "You Bet* FINAL DRAFT 8/20/99 MARIE EXITS. ROBERT You know, Dad, you can use me for stuff. ‘Cause I wouldn’t mind the occasional compliment. Even ones from your whazoo. ROBERT EXITS. FRANK So, you think you’re a wise guy, huh? RAY (RE: GAME) Ooh, power play. Looks like your Rangers are short-handed. FRANK (LOOKING AT TV) Damn you. RAY AND FRANK ARE RIVETED TO THE TV. FRANK (CONT’D) C'mon you mammy“hancher. Center it. Center it! RAY Knock him off the puck! FRANK There it is! RAY Check him! FRANK Shoot! Score!!! 33. II/HEVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND "You Bett FINAL DRAFT 34. 8/20/99 1/H Ne FRANK CELEBRATES. RAY SINKS ONTO THE COUCH, DEFLATED. FRANK Yes! You see this? This is proof of God here. You go against your father, thou art smited. FRANK LOOKS AT RAY FOR A MOMENT AND TURNS OFF THE TV. FRANK (CONT’D) Tell you what. I'll split the money with you. (BEAT) C'mon, you're gonna say “no” to fifteen grand? RAY Fifteen grand? FRANK Okay, eighty bucks. But it is possible. RAY Look, don’t talk to me anymore. FRANK Hey, I don’t know what you’re so mad about. We had fun, didn’t we? Hangin’ out? Palin’ around? Havin’ conversations?EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND 8/20/99 PINAL DRAFT 35. 11/H RAY Yeah. You know what, Dad? I did have fun. I thought you were talkin’ to me like a real father. FRANK (HAPPY) There you go. RAY yeah, good, go. FRANK What are you all bent outta shape for? You think I like havin’ to do the hokey pokey just to get some information outta you? If you weren't so prim and proper, I could just come right out and say, “Hey, who do you like in tonight’s game?” And then you and me could have a nice discussion about it and then go place a bet together, go collect our winnings together and then go to one of those restaurants where the waitresses wear the tight tops and bring you burgers. That's real father and son stuff. ‘RAY That's nice, Dad, but you know what I é0 for a living, There’s no way that I could ever bet with you.EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND "You Bee" PINAL DRAFT 36. 8/20/99 ra FRANK SHRUGS. FRANK Hence the ruse. FRANK LOOKS AT RAY A MOMENT AND THEN GETS UP TO GO. FRANK (CONT'D) But let me tell you, you're outta line if you think I was fakin’ the part about... you know... enjoying... you and me.,. whatever. And uh... if that’s how you feel about the bettin’ stuff... I won't do it anymore. (BEAT) Okay? A MOMENT. RAY SHRUGS, NODS, THEN FRANK COMES AND SITS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH. RAY What are you doing? A LONG MOMENT AS RAY AND FRANK SIT ON THE COUCH IN SILENCE. FRANK So... how are the kids? RAY (BEAT) Fine, They're good. FRANK and, wh... how.do the twins like that preschool there? RAY It’s good. They like it.EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND "you Bett 8/20/99 FRANK Good. A LONG MOMENT. FRANK MOVES TO GET UP. FRANK (CONT'D) Okay? What. FRANK I think that was a good start, you? I don’t want to push it. RAY Yeah, okay. Maybe a little more tomorrow. FRANK HEADS FOR THE DOOR. FRANK Let’s play it by ear. AND WE... - ‘END_OF ACT THO 37. II/HEVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND "You Bet™ FINAL DRAFT 38. 8/20/99 TAG EADE IN: ‘dNT._FRANK AND MARIE'S KITCHEN - THE NEXT DAY (DAY 4) (Frank, Robert) FRANK IS HAVING SOME CEREAL AT THE KITCHEN TABLE. ROBERT ENTERS IN UNIFORM AND SHUTS THE DOOR. ROBERT Hey, Dad. FRANK Hey. ROBERT Listen... you know the corner of Hempstead Turnpike and Uniondale? FRANK Yeah? ROBERT There’s a new speed trap there. FRANK Oh, yeah? ROBERT CLOSES HIS EYES AND NODS. FRANK (CONT’D) Good ‘to know. ROBERT SMILES THEN WAITS. FRANK (CONT’D) Ray already told me that. ROBERT THROWS HIS HANDS UP AND WALKS OUT THE DOOR. A MOMENT, THEN: (MORE)EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND sYou FINAL DRAPE 39. 8/20/99 TAG FRANK (CONT’D) Saved myself a compliment. END_OF SHOW