FADE IN: 1

EXT. TWO LANE ROAD DAY

A car with bikes in the trunk drives along. On the radio the
tune Beyond the Sea Is heard.
INSERT - SIGN THAT READS:
Welcome to Calumet City, Illinois

INT. CAR - TRAVELLING - DAY

Woman named JEAN (early 30's) drives as husband MIKE (mid
30's) lowers a map. Angle on child (8) ADAM in back seat
plays with hot wheel cars.
MIKE
Remember that tune, honey? Who
sang it? Bobbie Darin? Vic Damon.
JEAN
You're asking me? That was just
a tinnsie weensy bit before my
time, dear.
MIKE
Yes, I'll have some more salt for
my wounds please. Can see us
in the Boomer Home for the
Bewildered singing our version of
something like Satisfaction.
JEAN
Don't worry! Grandpa Jagger will
be there waiting for you to do a
duet, only our version will go
like this: All I get is
constipated!
MIKE
Can't believe we're in our first
home. Thank you Dutch for getting
the interest rates down. Glad I was
in the service. That VA housing
benefit sure came in handy.
JEAN
Here here!
The car pulls up to a park. The dad removes the bikes and
sees something.
 2.

TIGHT: Flat tire on bike.

ADAM
Awe man! Let me guess, we'll
go home and see what's on
cable, right? Oh, that's right!
I forgot. We can't afford it.
We just bought a house.
Mike gives Adam the eye. He then holds up a patch kit and air
pump.
MIKE
Taw Da! Be prepared. Did I ever
tell you I was once a Boy Scout?
Tight on Mike drawn to something in f.g. He's spellbound.
MIKE (CONT’D)
Will you look at that! A Boy
Scout Camp-o-ree.
Angle on Scouts in f.g in uniform and performing traditional
Boy Scout tasks like semiphone and compass work.
ADAM
Come on dad! Fix the tire! And
show me how to do it.
MIKE
My God was it that long ago?

FLASHBACK
Crawl tag: CHICAGO 1960
(STOCK) TV footage of Kennedy Nixon TV debates inside an
apartment living room. JESSE and FRANCES, Mike's parents, sit
and watch TV.
MIKE (V.O.) (CONT’D)
Chicago consisted of many
different islands each
one a different nation. My
parents hailed from Dixie
and we lived on the Russian
island.

MIKE (CONT’D)
That Kennedy guy talks funny.
 3.

FRANCES
Different people have different
accents, Michael. He's from
Boston. I'm from Tennessee. Dad's
from Louisiana. You're from here.
You sound strange to your cousin
Steve and Sam in Nashville.
JESSE
Yeah! That's why they like to
pound the crap outta ya, you
being the only Yankee in the
family.
MIKE (V.O.)
My mom and dad were my adopted
parents. They loved me as if I
was one of their own.

JESSE
Nixon looks like he hasn't taken
a dump in a month! I'm gonna
miss Ike, even if he was a
republican.
FRANCES
I know. But Kennedy is a handsome
fella. He saved most of the men on
his PT boat during the war. Did you
know that?

MIKE (V.O.)
My mother kept alive the old pun
about how American women weigh
the issues carefully before
voting for the best looking
candidate.

FRANCES
What do the guys at the local
think about Kennedy? He is Catholic
you know.

MIKE (V.O.)
My father was a labor activist who
fought to desegregate the locals
back then. Many supported him,
many didn't - both black and white.
 4.

FLASHBACK

INT. HALLWAY IN APARTMENT DAY

Jesse is arguing on the phone in a hallway.
JESSE
Fine, but let me ask you this!
What was that war we just fought
all about? Huh? Answer that!
No, I'm an American lover.
Jesse slams the phone and buries his head in his hands.
MIKE (V.O.)
There were many veterans
like my Dad who fought in
Europe and left realizing
what can happen if you bash
people solely because of biology.
My dad was with Patton when
he up-chucked at Dachau.

END OF FLASHBACK

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Jesse is reading the paper.

JESSE
I got nothing against Catholics
Fran! But you do have to ask the
question, where will his allegiance
lie - with us or the Pope?

MIKE
May I go outside and play?
FRAN
I thought you liked politics,
Michael?
MIKE
Blah blah blah!
CUT TO:

EXT. CITY NEIGHBORHOOD - EVENING

Mike wanders outside. Like most ten year old boys he’s bored.
 5.

MIKE (V.O.)
The year was 1960. The country was
getting a new president. My mom
waited to return to work when I
started the 6th grade.
CUT TO:

EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREETS - DAY

Mike walks down the street as janitors rake leaves and
parents carve pumpkins for their kids. Teenagers on a porch
dance to the tune The Monster Mash on a transistor radio.
MIKE (V.O.)
But, I lived on an island within an
island. It was called "my room".
CUT TO:

INT. MIKE'S ROOM - DAY

The song My Room is on the radio. Angle on homemade cardboard
fighter planes, an American flag, sailor hat on the bedpost
with a Chicago Cubs hat on the other and pictures of
Eisenhower, Mac Arthur and Truman on the walls.
MIKE (V.O.)
My room was my Shangri-La, Tara and
Taj Mahal all rolled in to one.
CUT TO:

INT. MIKE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

His Dad kisses him on the cheek as he slumbers.

MIKE (V.O.)
When mom stayed home with me. We
lived from check to check. But my
dad was able to provide the basics.
If Santa was on a budget I took
cardboard and glue in hand and made
my own toys.
Mike is seen making a WWI plane from cardboard and a paper-
towel holder.
 6.

CUT TO:

EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREETS - LATER EVENING

Boys approach Mike. They have Slavic accents.
SLAVIC BOY
Hey Misha, let's play running bases
near building with big light. It
can be a night game.
The kids throw a ball back and forth. One boy tries to outrun
the throw as the light from a building sign illuminates the
area.
MIKE (V.O.)
But my island was changing. It
seemed as if everybody fleeing
communist tyranny moved into my
building and my building alone. But
I didn't care. The Communists gave
me a steady supply of kids to play
with.
CUT TO:

INT. BUILDING HALLWAY - DAY

Mike talks to a Russian woman upstairs.
MIKE
The Jewish kid's parents gave me
money to escort them everywhere.
That's when my attitude really
changed about becoming a
businessman, especially after
learning what "Ahs-TAHF tyeh syeh-
byeh ZDAH-chew" meant. The making
of a Republican.
IMMIGRANT
Ahs-TAHF-tyeh syeh-byeh ZDAH-
chew! Keep the change, Misha.
Take Leon to Cubby Bear base-
ball game. Make him good
American, like you.
 7.

MIKE
Thank you Mr. Rosen. But, Leon
might want some extra peanuts and
cracker jacks. Just like in the
song.
The father appears and gives Mike an extra dollar.
CUT TO:

INT. WRIGLEY FIELD - DAY

Mike munches on popcorn as the boy gazes at him wistfully.
MIKE (V.O.)
What a con I was, and only ten.
Leon got the peanuts. I got the
cracker jacks, the prize inside,
cotton candy and whatever else I
could wolf down. I was making
lots of money and I liked it.
The machine politician George
Plunkett said it best: "I saw
my opportunities and I took em!"
Leon continues to stare. Mike breaks down and shares the food
and buys him something.
CUT TO:

INT. APARTMENT - DAY

(STOCK)Footage of the opening score and introduction to the
TV show The Untouchables
Mike is watching the show.
CUT TO:

INT. PUBLIC LIBRARY - LATER DAY

Mike turns pages of a book with pictures of mobsters
MIKE (VO)
During the summer I found solace
in the neighborhood library.
There were books about real
gangsters who gave Chicago its
sordid reputation. I did this
 8.

MIKE (CONT’D)
for a reason. It was called
capitalism.
CUT TO:

EXT. GARAGE ON A MAJOR STREET - DAY

Mike stands in front and is speaking Russian to a group of
immigrants.
MIKE
Here is where Al Capone gunned
down Bugs Moran's gang on
Valentines Day.
CUT TO:

EXT. GRAVEYARD - DAY

Angle on headstone bearing the name of Al Capone. Mike is
speaking to a group in Russian.
MIKE
Here lies Al Capone. He
got away with murder but not
income tax evasion.

Immigrants applaud Mike. One man gives him a dollar tip.

MIKE (CONT’D)
Thank you! Do you need a
receipt, sir?
MIKE (VO)
I won their business and their
trust. Soon I was leading more
tours than Caesar led battle
campaigns.

SERIES OF SHOTS
A. Kids look through a periscope in a Submarine.
B. Kids depart a roller coaster at an amusement park
and heave up in tandem.

FADE
MONTAGE:
 9.

As a channel is flipped on an old Westinghouse TV. All shows

are (STOCK)
A) Opening to the TV series Victory at Sea
B) Opening to series The Valiant Years
C) Opening to series World War One
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
Mike is watching the documentaries.
MIKE (V.O.)
During the summer I glued myself to
The Tube and took trips back in
time to World Wars I and II which
filled that boyhood lust for
countering aggression. It also
led to unusually good grades
in history.
CUT TO:

INT. GRADE SCHOOL CLASS - AFTERNOON

A male teacher named MR. KELLY conducts a history bee with
Michael as a team captain.
MR KELLY
OK, the "do or die" question!
He led American and UN forces
to retake Communist controlled
South Korea starting at this
important landing.
CU of Michael who is stumped.
MIKE (V.O.)
I knew it was MacArthur but there
were no TV shows.
A pretty girl goes up to Mike and whispers in his ear.
MIKE (V.O.)
(CONT’D)
Enter Stephanie, a Polish
girl who rescued the blue
team in the true spirit of
gender equality.
 10.

STEPHANIE
My father was there! It was
Inchon.
MR KELLY
Blue team is the victor!
Michael and Stephanie leap for joy with others. He goes to
shake her hand but she gives him a hug instead.
MIKE
Uh, we make a good team, right
Stephanie?
STEPHANIE
Oh yes we do, Michael. Oh yes we
do!
Mike gazes at her as she leaves. She turns and smiles. A boy
named KENNY goes up to him muttering the theme from the TV
show The Twilight Zone.
MIKE (V.O.)
Kenny was my best friend growing
up. The only native born friend
I had.
CUT TO:

INT. SUNDAY SCHOOL CLASS - DAY

The minister holds up a copy of the Ten Commandments
MIKE (V.O.)
My mother had me scope out a
church. She said to wander
outside until you hear bells,
then walk in. That's how she
and I became Presbyterian. My
father? His philosophy was
"If God could rest on the 7th
day so could he". My Dad was a
true democrat!
MINISTER
Thou shall not commit adultery.
Thou shall not bear false
witness. Any questions?
MIKE TO KENNY
This guy seems to mean it.
 11.

KENNY
Yeah, he's scary. He's just the
messenger! Right?
MIKE (V.O.)
When our minister said "don't do
something" you knew he meant it.
Sure we feared God's wrath
in the next life but Dr. Bohn's
wrath was here and now.
CUT TO:

INT. CHURCH CONGREGATION - EVENING

Christmas carols are heard as Mike and Stephanie, dressed as
Joseph and Mary, walk down the aisle during a Christmas
pageant.
STEPHANIE
You know Hawaii would be a great
place to have a honeymoon.
MIKE (V.O.)
Stephanie's infatuation with me
was weird. She could have been
busted for felony stalking if it
were the 90's. The unsolicited
pinch on my behind came out of
nowhere.
MIKE (CONT’D)
Ouch! Stop it! Stephanie, you're
Polish and Protestant? How did
that happen?
STEPHANIE
They say couples should be of
the same faith if they want
their marriage to work.
MIKE (V.O.)
Yes, I faked my revulsion. But
I was secretly eating up her
pre-teen infatuation.
KENNY
And they came to Jerusalem to
pay the tax.
 12.

MIKE TO STEPHANIE
Pay the tax? I didn't know the
Romans were liberal democrats
STEPHANIE
But if we were married you
could deduct me. You know, Michael.
This can sorta be a dress
rehearsal for our wedding?
MIKE (V.O.)
I knew I would blow my cool if
she didn't stop this. What I
didn't figure on was blowing my
lines. I was supposed to say,
"Innkeeper, have you not a room?
This woman's been atop thy ass
since we left Jerusalem". It
didn't come out quite like that.
MIKE
Inn-keeper, have you not a room?
Uh, this woman's been riding my
ass ever since we left Jerusalem.
Everybody in the audience bursts out laughing. Mike's mom
giggles. His father laughs out loud.
JESSE
Did he say what I thought he said?
Holy crap! Opps!
Angle on priest and rabbi laughing.
MIKE (V.O.)
A priest and a Rabbi were invited
as guests. I was humiliated from
Rome to Tel Aviv. So long Hollywood
and the swimming pools - movie
stars.
RABBI TO MINSITER
He's funny! You sure he's not one
of ours?
STEPHANIE
And he's the father of my child.
Now he has to marry me!
Michael races into camera screaming.

CUT TO:
INT. MIKES LIVING ROOM - DAY
 13.

Mike is watching the film Northwest Passage. Slow pan of kids

wearing coonskin caps, Cubs hats, plastic Army helmets as
they chew gum, drink Green River Soda, and use a spoon to
scrape a bottle of Bosco.
MIKE (V.O.)
Television was an inspiration back
then. Spencer Tracy in Northwest
Passage got our juices going
in ways we would later regret.
CUT TO:

EXT. SIDEWAY NEAR A GANGWAY - AFTERNOON

Mike and ten kids wearing folded paper-hats with the words
ROGERS RANGERS written on it sneak inside a gang-way.
MIKE
OK, I'm Major Rogers.
Angle on a cardboard box playhouse in f.g
MIKE (CONT’D)
That's the Abannaki Fort. We must
destroy it men.
The boys charge the boxes and kick them over.

MIKE (V.O.)
In 1962 we declared a formal state
of war on girls. They were right up
there with the Red Menace,
fluoridated water and spinach. My
Rangers and I felt that the
destruction of their playhouse was
suitable reprisal for being, well,
for being girls.
MIKE (CONT’D)
Smash their fortress Rangers!
Scatter their booty, this
in the name of the crown.
A large number of girls seething with anger step out. A tall,
blonde haired girl leads them. Her name is SITZEL.
SITZEL
Attack girls! Get them!

SERIES OF SHOTS
 14.

a. The boys are pelted with dirt, small rocks and sticks.
b. They march out with hands up as girls hold their collars.
c. Mike is holding a white flag
Sitzel is wearing her Dad's naval officer's hat, sunglasses
and bites on a corn-cob pipe giving her the appearance of
General Douglas MacArthur. On the wall of the building the
words USS MISSOURI are drawn in chalk.
SITZEL (CONT’D)
Bring the prisoners forward for the
signing of the surrender.
Two girls hold Mike by his arms.
GIRL
You agree that you will leave us
alone, ad infinitum.
The boys gaze at each other in confusion.
GIRL (CONT’D)
It means forever you dorks! Girls?
Should we trust them or should we
have them executed?
STEPHANIE
Execute all of them, but not this
one. He's mine.
MIKE
Just kill me, please! End it! Toss
me to the mob. Execute me by
musketry! Anything!
CUT TO:

INT. MIKE'S APARTMENT - AFTERNOON

Mike is in his room reading the book Thirty Seconds Over
Tokyo. He hears some music. It's Moonlight Serenade by Benny
Goodman. He peeks in from the room and sees his mother and
father dancing slowly. His dad is wearing his old World War
II jacket and hat.
FRANCES
The truth? Because you looked
great in your uniform! That's why I
married you.
 15.

We see Mike smiling the ways kids do when they're assured

their parents are really in love and will never leave. He
returns to his book and reads.
FRANCES (CONT’D)
I prayed for you while you were
gone. God I missed you.
JESSE
Somebody must have heard those
prayers. God, Fran, I missed you
too.
Angle on the two as they hug each other.
MIKE (V.O.)
Like I said we lived from check to
check, but seeing my parents
together like that made me feel
like a million bucks. I never felt
more secure. Later, I’d realize how
lucky I was.
FADE OUT
INT. MIKE'S APARTMENT - EVENING
Mike, Gregory and Kenny watch the 60's TV Series The
Fugitive. (STOCK)

MIKE (V.O.) (CONT’D)

This was the BC era or Before
Computers. We had games that got us
up and on our feet running and
climbing. The Russian kids gave us
a game called Stalingrad.
CUT TO:
Mike and his pals with red stars on their helmets hid on the
porches of a gangway and wait for other kids with swastikas
on their helmets. They enter the gangway before the attack. A
boy named GREGORY slowly raises his hand.
GREGORY
(Russian spoken/trans: Wait! Wait!
Now! Fire!
All the kids playing Red Army soldiers open fire on the kids
playing the Germans.

CUT TO:
 16.

MIKE (V.O.)
And we returned the favor giving
them our games compliments of
Hollywood and the late actor David
Jansen.
Angle on Gregory seen running pell-mell through the gangway.
GREGORY (CONT’D)
I didn't kill my wife!
Kenny is in front with his arm tucked in. He's the one armed
man. Michael is chasing both shouting.
MIKE
Kimball! Kimball!
CUT TO:

EXT. LARGE CHURCH - EVENING

Mike stops running. He sees a kid in a Boy Scout uniform
being accosted by two bullies. Suddenly a man in an adult
Scoutmaster's uniform exits a car, races up to the thugs and
grabs them by the collar. The man’s name is PAUL (30)and will
become known as Mr. B.
MR B
If I ever catch any of you laying a
finger on any of my scouts again
I'll have you locked up in Joliet
where you'll be up to your elbows
in fights. Understand? Understand?
Another man (40) named RICHARD comes up. He, too, is
wearing a leader's uniform. The kid leaves in haste. The boy
(JOEL) nods as Richard checks him.
RICHARD
You OK Joel? OK, go in. Paul, I'll
have my office contact the
Commander at Foster Avenue. We got
to nip this in the bud before it
gets worse.
MR B (CONT’D)
I don't get it Dick! How can
parents let kids run wild like
that? Why have them if you're not
going to raise them?
 17.

RICHARD
A hell of a way for a guy like me
to keep his job as a parole
officer. Look forward to the day
when they give me a pink slip and
tell me there's lack of work.
Mike peers from behind a parked car. He's impressed with the
adults who took a stand. He looks around before running home.
MIKE (V.O.)
There was talk of gang activity
coming to my paradise, my island.
I knew people who knew real tyranny
that started out as a gang.
CUT TO:

INT. MIKE'S APARTMENT LATER DAY

Mike and five other kids are watching the TV show Biography.
NARRATOR (STOCK)
And Oliver Cromwell vowed that
England would not become a Roman
Catholic Temple under Papal
control. "Have we not forgotten the
Reformation?" He shouted.

Mike and his pals stand up after the show is over.

MIKE
We're playing this! I'll be Oliver
Cromwell.
GREGORY
Hey! No fair! You were Major
Rogers. It's my turn! I want to be
Cromwell!
CUT TO:

EXT. MIKES NEIGHBORHOOD- AFTERNOON

Greg and his "Roundheads" hide in bushes with paper hats on
that read "Cromwellians".
CUT TO: Angle on other kids walking together singing a Latin
tune.
 18.

MIKE (V.O.)
Since our humiliating defeat by the
girls you would have thought we'd
learned our lesson, right? Wrong!
We found a new victim.
Angle on public school kids walking together heading for
Catechism class at a local Cathedral.
MIKE (V.O.) (CONT’D)
We had Jeffery or Sir Leg of Lamb.
Tight on boy with freckles and glasses.
MIKE (V.O.)
And me, Sir Loin of BEEF.
Angle on Mike with a plastic sword waiting to pounce.
MIKE (V.O.) (CONT’D)
Then there was Patrick.
Angle on a rather threatening and sinister looking kid.
FLASHBACK
Angle on boy jumping up and down on a kid's bike.
MIKE (V.O.) (CONT’D)
Pat was famous for his Tasmanian
devil routine whenever he had a
hankering to pounce on someone's
bicycle. His Royal title was "Sir
Ass of Hole". Rumor had it he was
conceived near Los Alamos at
the height of nuclear testing.
END OF FLASHBACK

EXT. STREET - DAY

Mike peers through a cardboard paper towel funnel. They've
successfully resurrected Cromwell's New Model Army.
MIKE
They are coming Master Cromwell.
GREGORY
I see them Sir Loin! OK men!
Remember! Trust in God, and keep
your powder dry.
 19.

The boys leap out and surround the Catholic kids with their
plastic swords drawn.
GREGORY (CONT’D)
Well, well, what do we have here?
I do believe, Sir Loin, we have
some Papists. No! Wait! Let me take
a sniff first. Yes, we have
Catholics fouling the sweet air of
England.
JEFFERY
What do you think, Sir Oliver? How
shall we have them? Kabob'd or
baked.
Mike walks around the kids who huddle close.
MIKE
Master Cromwell, they wish to
convert England into a Roman
temple. Something must be done
before they, multiply
MIKE (V.O.)(CONT’D)
Although I wouldn't admit it then,
I was starting to feel real bad
about doing this. Something told me
to stop, break and run - run like
the wind. But, I didn't. Like most
followers I went with the flow.
GREGORY
We must cast this scourge from the
land. Slay them men!
The Catholic kids scatter to avoid the plastic swords. It is
sheer bedlam as Mike and the others chase the kids off. One
girl stops and shouts defiantly at them.
GIRL
You wait! You're gonna get yours!
GREGORY
(CONT’D)
Oh! I'm scared! Hey, you know why
they call your teachers nuns?
Because they get none, get it.
Angle on Good Humor Ice Cream truck in the distance. The
boys spot it. Pat pulls out five dollars.
GREGORY
Come men of Luther.
(MORE)
 20.
GREGORY
(CONT’D)
All this slaying of Romanists has
worked up an appetite. My treat! I
have a divorced Dad with lots of
guilt.
FADE OUT.

EXT. MIKE'S NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY

SERIES OF SHOTS
A) The same kids head towards Catechism with Cheshire grins
on their faces.
B) A 58' Ford tails them slowly.
C) The same girl seen earlier flips the boys the finger.
D) Four Catholic priests bolt from the car tailing them and
chase them as the Catholic kids cheer.
E) The boys run into a gangway screaming with arms
outstretched as the priests give chase.
F) Mike leaps into an empty garbage can.
PRIEST
Come here ya little protestant
hooligans.

MIKE (V.O.)
The original "Men in Black"! Those
priests must have been running
backs for the Fighting Irish given
their speed. I knew my match, which
is why I hid like a coward.

CUT TO:
The boys are dragged out of the gangway by the priests. A
very mean, ugly Nun in full habit exits the car.
Angle on Mike peeking out from the can.
NUN
Bring them to me, one at a time!
PRIEST
Do you have a penance in mind
Mother Superior?
 21.

MIKE (V.O.)
A Hollywood image suddenly flashed
out Of my young mind.
FLASHBACK
INSERT: Final scene from the movie Tale Of Two Cities as
Ronald Coleman goes to the guillotine.
END FLASHBACK
Angle back to trash can where Mike is hiding. He peeks out.
NUN
Bring on the first sinner! Have
them loosen their belts.
The nun gazes at Pat with a very up close and personal stare.
NUN (CONT’D)
Because we get none eh?
A priest kneels with one knee to act as a support as the boy
is about to get a bare-butt spanking.
MIKE (V.O.)
As I watched my comrades in swords
line up at the gallows something
strange stirred within me.

Favoring of Mike standing in front of the priests.

CU: Pat is about to get a bare butt spanking. Angle on Mike
standing alone. He surrenders.
MIKE (CONT’D)
Wait! This was my idea. Give it to
me. Let them go.
A priest smiles as he motions for Michael to come forward.
PRIEST
Well, we have a noble one here.
Com'on Johnny. You'll go first. But
maybe we can negotiate a lighter
penance. I'll see what I can do
with Mother Superior.
MIKE (V.O.)
Yeah, right! The way the condemned
of the Dark Ages used to flip the
executioner a coin to ensure a
clean cut the first time.
 22.

Angle on stay at home moms hanging out windows and applauding

the priests.
WOMAN (shouting out)
You're getting what you deserve. I
know your mother young man!
MIKE (V.O.) (CONT’D)
The "stay at moms" ratted on us.
Damn their souls!
CUT TO:
INT. MIKE'S VESTIBULE - EVENING
Michael's father talks to a priest and a policeman. The
priest whispers something in his father's ear.
JESSE
He did? Fessed up and took the
licks, huh?
The priest winks his eye and gives Mike's Dad a "thumbs up"
after patting his shoulder.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - EVENING
Mike gets spanked by his dad, the old fashioned way.

MIKE (V.O.)
Somewhere in the Constitution it
says you cannot be punished for the
same crime twice. Apparently Mom
and Dad slept through that portion
of their civics class. All the
Cromwellians experienced "double
jeopardy" that night. And nobody
ran crying to his or her lawyer to
sue. Soon, the mystery man in the
brown uniform I saw at the church
would continue the tradition.
FADE
INT. CAR TRAVELLING - EVENING
The Scoutmaster seen earlier and a scout of Japanese descent
also named PAUL NAKAO sit in the front seat. He is Japanese.
Both are in uniform.
 23.

MR. B
Paul, there's going to be some
changes. There's a troop in trouble
at Edgewater Church. Since we only
have six boys left in ours, we're
going to transfer over and absorb
that one.
PAUL
Sure Mr. B! I'm OK with that.
SERIES OF SHOTS
A) Angle on a Tasty-Freeze ice cream stand.
B) Three gang members corner a man whose six year old son
stands nearby.
C) Angle on Scoutmaster in car seeing them in the distance
during a red light.
D) Angle on Mike on bike riding across the street. He sees
the encounter to and stops. He freezes up.
E) Gang members continue to block the man at the stand.
GANG MEMBER
Hey douchebag! When I say I want
money, I want money.

The man grabs the kid by the collar and pushes him away.
MAN
Why? You steal everything anyway.
Out of my way punk!
SERIES OF SHOTS

A) Angle on gang member stabbing the man in the back with a

screwdriver.
B) The assailant and other gang members flee.
C) The man goes down and begins to twitch as his son drops
his ice cream and throws himself on his father screaming in
fear.
MR. B
Oh God! Paul, hang on!
The scoutmaster tears through traffic and stops near the
victim. He races out with the young Scout and kneels. He
slowly pulls out the screwdriver.
 24.

MR. B
Paul! Place pressure on the
puncture wound. Hand over hand,
just like we taught you.
SERIES OF SHOTS
A) The Scoutmaster flips the man on his back.
B) Paul plugs the wound with his hand underneath.
C) The scoutmaster tilts the head, pinches the nose and
begins CPR. Mike approaches slowly.
MIKE
Can I help?
PAUL
Yeah! Try to calm the little kid
down.
MIKE
It's OK little guy! Your daddy will
be OK.
Angle on Scoutmaster as he continues to breathe into the
mouth. The manager races out of the ice cream store.
MANAGER
I called 911. The police and an
ambulance are on the way.
SCOUTMASTER (continues CPR)
Come on, breathe damn it! Come on!
CPR works as an ambulance wails in b.g. Suddenly we hear the
distant sounds of machine gun fire and bugle charges blaring
through bullhorns. Paul, the young scout, continues to place
pressure on the puncture wound as the man regains
conscienceless. Mike backs away in fear and rides away.
PAUL
He's back. You brought him back Mr.
B.

SERIES OF SHOTS
A) The police and EMS personnel pull up and tend to the
victim.

B) The Scoutmaster relaxes on the ground as the Scout pats

him on the back.
 25.

C) The police and EMS personnel take the man and the boy.
D) Mike stops and stares at the scoutmaster before riding
off.
E) The police talk to the scoutmaster and the boy with him.
MIKE (V.O.)
I was surprised I had the courage
to jump in and help. I hated
myself for running away and not
being there with the mystery man.
Heroes can sometimes be scary.
I was about to know who this
mystery man was.
FADE OUT
SERIES OF SHOTS/MONTAGE (STOCK)

A) News footage of Russian missiles in Cuba in 1963.

B) Adlai Stevenson's famous "Till Hell freezes over"
statement in the UN.
C) Nikita Khruschev's shoe pounding in U.N.
D) Kennedy's television alert to the nation.

INT. 5th GRADE CLASSROOM - MORNING

Kids are looking at their books.
MIKE (V.O.)
The make believe history we
resurrected was overshadowed by the
real history taking place. The cold
war with the Soviet Union had
suddenly gotten hot. The nuclear
threat scared us far more than the
gangs that started to sprout up.
Cowards and bullies were out in
force that October of 1962. But so
were heroes. We saw them on TV. I
had met one at an ice cream stand
and at a church.
TEACHER
OK class! Open your English books
to page 41 and lets meet the
adjective.
 26.

Sirens wail in b.g. Kids freeze up. One girl starts to cry.

TEACHER (CONT’D)
Children! Duck and cover now!
Patrick, close the shades.
PATRICK
Yeah, right. Wouldn't want the
neighbors looking in as
we vaporize now would we? That
would be so gosh!
Wide angle above classroom with kids in fetal position
on floor. Pan on kids praying in different ways, different
languages.
MIKE (V.O.)
If prayer was illegal in the public
schools then there were many
juvenile felons at George B. Swift
elementary during that harrowing
week in October.
Pan on the girls baby crawling over to were Mike is. They
cluster close to him. Mike looks at all the girls, smiles and
gazes skyward.
MIKE (CONT’D)
Thank you uncle Nikita.

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET NEAR A DINER - DAY

Mike enters a diner. A waitress approaches.

INSERT - Crawl Tag: Friday, November 22, 1963.

MIKE
I'll have the barbecue beef with
fries.
MIKE (V.O.)
(CONT’D)
In 1963 you could get a hot lunch
with a dollar and still have change
for things that mattered.
Michael exits another store with an ice cream and a comic
book. Angle on a wiry man inside turning up the radio.
 27.

RADIO ANNOUNCER
Witnesses' claim they heard four
shots, possibly five.
CUT TO:

INT. CLASSROOM - AFTERNOON

Everyone is somber as Mike enters the classroom, looks around
and makes a fool of himself.
MIKE
Hey, who died?
Everybody turns and leers at Mike.
KENNY
The president was shot.
MIKE
I know Lincoln was shot dorkus. But
that was almost a hundred years
ago.
A buzzer goes off. The kids are jolted by the sound.
TEACHER
Michael, why don't you go
downstairs and take the
Message box around.
CUT TO:

INT. SCHOOL OFFICE - DAY

Ad lib chatter and a woman crying in b.g. Mike looks around.

MIKE (V.O)
I had just turned eleven. All eyes
were on me as I was handed the
lethal note. I became the grim
reaper.
PRINCIPAL
Go to all the rooms Michael. If
you want to stop, just come back
here. It's OK.

Mike stops to read the note.

 28.

MIKE (V.O.)
During the Cuban Missile Crisis all
of our parents stood firm behind
President Kennedy and would have to
the very end regardless of who sat
in that Oval Office. Back then,
that's what real American's did.
INSERT - note which reads
PRESIDENT KENNEDY IS DEAD. PRAY FOR HIM AND FOR OUR COUNTRY.
Mike recoils and leans against the wall. He sits on the
stairs and fights the tears.
MIKE (V.O.) (CONT’D)
I couldn't stop shaking. I never
felt so afraid as I did that
afternoon. I could have returned to
the office but my dad always told
me, if you're given a job to do you
do it - and then some. I became the
grim reaper for every Irish
Catholic teacher at George B Swift
School.
Fade on Mike as teachers get the news and break down in
tears.
CUT TO:

INT. CHURCH SERVICE - MORNING

People are singing Oh God Our Help In Ages Past. The minister
moves solemnly to the pulpit. The people finish and take
their seats. Mike looks around and sees five boys in Scout
uniforms.

MINISTER
Given the events of Friday, I stand
here as shocked, perplexed and as
grief stricken as you. What do you
call it when one citizen kills
another? Is it a war within
our borders or one within
ourselves? Are we our own worst
enemy? Those questions will remain.
I pray they are not asked again and
again. But I fear more of this, in
our homes, schools and churches. I
fear this in a land once under God
now, seemingly, over Him.
 29.

MINISTER (CONT’D)
Let us pray for the family of John
Fitzgerald Kennedy.
Mike is with Kenny as they glance at one young man in a Boy
Scout uniform. A tear drips down his cheek.
MIKE (V.O.)
I didn't know much about the Boy
Scouts except for that mystery man.
I thought a lot about him. Little
did I know I was about to take the
journey of a lifetime.
CUT TO:

INT. MIKE'S CHURCH - EVENING

Mike enters a large room in a Boy Scout uniform. He sees an
older man, but not the one who saved the man at the ice cream
shop.
CU of disappointment on Mike’s face.
CUT TO:

EXT. LARGE FIELD NEAR FOREST - DAY

Mike and others are in a field putting up tents.

MIKE (V.O.)
Mr. LeClerk was OK and and seemed
to enjoy being our scoutmaster. But
he was about to hang up the old
square knot. I learned that the
mystery man was at another church.
Angle on boys in field with large poles. The Scoutmaster is
sound asleep on a cot.
MIKE (V.O.) (CONT’D)
The older scouts joked that other
scoutmasters showed up just to
fulfill their court ordered
community service. There was little
structure with troop 812. On camp-
outs we were pretty much on our
own.

Thousands of grasshoppers jump out of the grass as the boys

smash them with the poles. A scout is with Mike.
 30.

SCOUT
We call it "cricket" and "squash".
You take the pole, find the
"CRICKET" and "SQUASH" it.
CUT TO:

EXT. CAMPSITE - AFTERNOON

Younger boys are lined up outside a tent. Older boys bark
commands at them.
MIKE (V.O.)
Then there were the pranks the
older scouts pulled on us plebes,
the proverbial "snipe" hunts.
SERIES OF SHOTS
A scout approaches a family camping.
SCOUT
Excuse me. I was sent to get fifty
feet of red and white shoreline?
OTHER SCOUT
And we need a left-handed monkey
wrench?

THIRD SCOUT
Got any pepper bugs? Our
scoutmaster needs them
for his eggs.
CUT TO:
EXT. CAMPFIRE - MORNING
The boys huddle around the campfire.
MIKE (V.O.)
Then you had the "short cuts" the
older scouts used to start a
campfire.
Angle on a Scout siphoning gas from the scoutmaster's car and
into a cup. The scoutmaster slumbers in his tent. Mike is
using flint and steel. One boy laughs as the gas flows out.
OLDER SCOUT
Back home we called this an
"Oklahoma credit card".
 31.

Mike is knocked over as boys race over and gather around the
campfire. A boy walks carefully towards the wood with a cup
of gas.
SCOUT
Beat it Hiawatha! Sitting Bull has
some magic firewater.
MIKE
Hey, you idiots. That's gasoline!
ONE SCOUT TO ANOTHER
You think that's enough gas?
SHOCK CUT: A loud WOOSH is heard. The boys dive in
different directions. They get up.
ONE SCOUT
Wow man! I guess we had enough gas!
Angle on another scout whose eyebrows are burnt off. The
scout with the accent starts laughing at the kid whose
eyebrows still smolder.
SCOUT
You look like Uncle Fester on the
Adam's Family!
CUT TO

EXT. CAMPFIRE - NIGHT

The boys are singing an old French song Ah-Lah-Wet-Tah !
MIKE (V.O.)
Some idiot once said "Kids need to
be free of structure"! It was
probably somebody who never
had kids!
OLDER SCOUT
All-a-wet-ah, MIKE is all-a-wet-ah.
All-a-wet-ah, MIKE is ALL A WET!
Close-up on Mike as water is dumped on him by the boys. They
laugh like hyenas.
CUT TO:
INT. LARGE TENT - NIGHT

About fifteen kids crawl into their sleeping bags.

 32.

MIKE (V.O.) (CONT’D)

The Baker tents were huge. We
packed close to Fifteen Scouts in
one. This afforded us the
opportunity to discuss all things
related to Scouting and life, the
world and our place in it. Yeah
right! Yeah right!
MIKE (CONT’D)
OK, a guy goes into a grocery
store! He buys a case of dog food
and says "I'm gonna eat all this
myself". Grocer says "You crazy.
It'll kill you ". A week later the
grocer sees his wife alone and asks
her about her husband. "He died"
she says. The grocer says "I knew
that dog food would kill him." She
said, "Well, it wasn't really the
dog food. You see, after he ate
the stuff he went to bed, woke up
suddenly, started howling, sniffed
my ass, went to lick his, fell out
of bed and broke his neck".
MIKE (V.O.) (CONT’D)
That was kinda neat. I got em
laughing. I felt like Jack Carter,
Johnny Carson and Shecky Green all
rolled into one.
CUT TO:

EXT. OPEN FIELD - NIGHT

Two boys with flash lights run towards Mike who is blind-
folded. Another boy honks the horn of a parked car. Mike
yanks the blind fold off. Two kids holding flashlights laugh
along with the scoutmaster who honks the horn of his car.
MIKE (V.O.)
The mindless initiations never let
up.
CUT TO:
EXT. HILL TOP - NIGHT
Mike and others stand in a line. An older scout named RON
addresses them.
 33.

RON
You are now about to take the Royal
Order of Siam. Place your hands
high above your head and Shout "AW
WAH"!
Boys do as they're told.
RON (CONT’D)
Now, bend down at the waist and
shout "TAWN AHHSS".
The boys bend over and shout out as instructed.
RON (CONT’D)
Bend down, touch your toes and
shout "SIAM".
Angle on boys doing this and bowing over and over.
TWO BOYS (in tandem)
Oh wha, tan ass, Siam.
Oh wha, an ASS, I am.
Oh what an ass I am.
Angle on Mike as he catches on. He smiles and shakes his
head. The rest continue.
MIKE (V.O.)
It got to the point where only the
older kids went on camp outs.
CUT TO:

EXT. OUTDOOR LATRINE - NIGHT

Mike enters. Two boys race up and nail him in while laughing.
Mike tries to open the door.
ONE SCOUT TO ANOTHER
When he gets out he'll stink so bad
he could knock a buzzard off a shit
wagon!
MIKE (V.O.)
Their nails sealed my fate that
night and for Scouting in general.
I decided to resign once I
got home. Like Luther, I would
nail my Ninety-Six Theses on the
Scout room door. It would be the
 34.

MIKE
first time I ever resigned from
anything. Luckily the mystery man
arrived just in the nick of time.
FADE OUT
MONTAGE - EVENTS OF 1966
A) (STOCK) The Beatles, Mammas and Poppas perform at
concerts.
MIKE (V.O.)
In the spring of 1966 the world
outside my island was starting to
shake, rattle and role.

B) (STOCK) Maoists in Peking during Cultural Revolution.

MIKE (V.O.) (CONT’D)
In China, fascism took a new turn,
only now the Brown shirts wore Red
scarves as counter-revolutionary
parents were tattled on by their
politically correct kids.

C) (STOCK) Image of Vietnam war and American GI's fighting

Viet Mihn forces.

MIKE (V.O.)
In America, the TV dinner war, was
laying a fertile seed of dissent
the likes of which this country
had not seen since the Civil War.
FADE TO:

INT. CHURCH - NIGHT

Mike walks in and starts to tape his resignation to
the door. A stranger appears.
MIKE (V.O.)
There was a nut named Timothy Leary
who was encouraging drug use.
His mantra was "tune in, turn on
and drop out". I was about to drop
out of scouting.
 35.

The stranger is the mystery man, the scoutmaster seen

earlier, standing tall in a full uniform and gazing at Mike.
The boys will soon call him Mr. B.
MR. B
Excuse me Scout. This is Troop 812 -
right?
Mike nods with a broad grin.
MIKE (under his breath)
That's the guy!
MR. B
Well, gentlemen, is this all that's
left of 812?
The boys nod like sheep, still mesmerized by the presence of
the uniformed, and very professional stranger.
MR. B (CONT’D)
OK, let's do this. Fill out your
names and interests. Go to the gym
until I call you. I'll start with
you Scout.
He points at Mike. The two take a seat as the others fill
out a card and race into the gym.
MR. B (CONT’D)
I'm Paul Bartholomew, your new
scoutmaster. All my other Scouts
like to call me Mr. B. How would
you like to be called?
MIKE
Some of my friends call me
Ryebread. But Mike is OK, Sir, uh
Mr. B.

MIKE (V.O.) (CONT’D)

He told us he was from Indiana and
that he worked as a professional
fund-raiser for the Chicago Area
Council of the Boy Scouts. He
didn't recognize me from that night
at the Tasty Freeze. At least I
didn't think he did.
MR. B
After a hitch in the Army I worked
as a DJ small radio station.
 36.

MR. B
It was called The Crawl with Paul
show. It was fun. Great job for
a college student.
MIKE
Wow! Did you know big time DJ's and
music guys like Allen Freed, Art
Roberts or Dick Biondi?
MR B
Naw! Never got to the big time to
experience that kid of celebrity.
MIKE (VO)
I couldn't believe it. I wasn't
even fourteen yet and I was yuckin
it up with him. I felt like
Rockefeller. I thought about
bringing up the stabbing but I
didn't. Then I blew it. I did
something really stupid.
MIKE
So, you were in the Army? Were you
ever in a war?
Mr. B contorts slightly in response to Michael's question
about a war

MR B
Was I ever, in a war?
MIKE (clueless)
Yeah, a war! You know, bombs,
bullets and blowing away bad guys
and stuff.

Mr. B grimaces slightly. Michael senses something is amiss

MIKE
Uh, you OK Mr. B?
Mr. B drifts off as if recalling something.
O. S Sounds of machine gun fire and men screaming.
MR. B (shaking head slightly)
Well, uh Michael. Let's do this.
Any hobbies? Special interests?
 37.

MIKE (guarded)
Uh, history, UFO's, astronomy, you
know, President Kennedy's New
Frontier.
MR.B
OK Michael! There will be some
scouts coming in from other troops.
Hopefully, you will like what
you see and you'll tell your
friends. We'll match up your
interests with Scouting's needs.
CUT TO:

INT. CHURCH GYM MOMENTS LATER

Mike sees kids playing war games. They wear old W.W.I helmets
stored in the gym under the bleachers.
MIKE
Awe man, they're playing Sergeant
York without me.
Mike joins the boys.

Mr. B as he grimaces and contorts with every fall a boy

takes. Faint sounds of bugles and machine-gun fire O.S. Mike
sees Mr. B drifting off again.
MIKE (CONT’D)
Sir? Uh, Mr. B. You OK?
Mike's words snaps Mr. B out of the trance. He regains his
composure and assembles the troop in a circle.

MR. B
OK everybody! Gather around. This
is just the beginning for 812. I
would advise you to stick around.

Mr. B gestures for the boys to lock hands in a circle.

Some are skittish about this.
MR. B
We'll close with the scout oath:
"On my honor” I will do my---?"

Mr. B stops abruptly.

 38.

MR. B (CONT’D)
How many of you do not know the Boy
Scout oath?
All hands go up. Mr. B sighs.
MR. B (CONT’D)
OK, repeat after me. And note,
we'll have this oath memorized by
next week. On my honor, I will
do my best. To do my duty, to God
and my country, to obey the scout
laws, to help other people at all
times, to keep myself physically
strong, mentally awake, and morally
straight.
CUT TO:

EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT

Kenny and Mike walk alone.
MIKE
What do you think?
The two stop near a trash can.
KENNY
I was gonna quit. But I've decided
to stick around.
Kenny pulls out a note as Mike pulls out his. They toss
their resignations in the trash.
MIKE
What the heck! Everything is re-
runs on TV anyway.
CUT TO:

INT: KENNY'S APARTMENT KITCHEN - DAY

Boys are gathered around a table eating the pancakes Kenny's
Mother (adorned in a waitress outfit) made. RUSSELL the other
brother, shows up.
MIKE (V.O.)
Russell was the "Doogie Hauser" of
the family.
 39.

MIKE (V.O.
His forte was latching on to
someone chewing fatty foods,
whipping out a clipboard like
William F. Buckley and drawing a
chemical equation.

EXT. WOODS CAMPSITE - DAY

Russell holds up a chemical equation as Mike and another boy
chew on bacon.
RUSSELL
This is what that muck will be
doing to your arteries when you
turn the big 4-0. Not even
Liquid Plumber will save you!
MIKE
Thanks Ben Casey! Hey! Why can't
you just read Mighty Mouse and
Batman comics like normal kids?
Angle on kid wolfing down food like a famished animal on same
camp-out.
MIKE (V.O.)
Then there was Mike or "Polish" as
we called him. Boomer boys always
had nicknames and Mike, who wasn't
Polish, was hit with that one.
Never mind that Copernicus
or Chopin or a man named Rietsky,
the wizard who broke the Nazi code
ciphers, was Polish. Folks just
liked making jokes about the Poles.

FLASHBACK

INT. HIGH SCHOOL CAFETERIA - DAY

Angle on Polish chug-a-lugging a carton of chocolate milk.
MIKE (V.O.)
Mike graduated in the lower half of
his class but something odd
happened after we took our PSAT'S
and, later, the SAT's.

The boys sit at a cafeteria table and open their test scores.
 40.

KENNY
Whew-1200! U of I school of
pharmacy here I come.
RUSSELL
1360! U of I Med. School here I
come. Hey Kenny, hope you can read
my handwriting.
MIKE
1190! Made it. U of I School of
Liberal Arts here I come.
MIKE (V.O.)
We held our breath for Polish. One
would assume his score would be
low.
KENNY (whispering)
How do you say "so-long" in
Vietnamese?
POLISH
1600! Read it and weep! Ace'd it -
ace!
All the boys freak-out. They can't believe it.
CUT TO:

INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE ROOM - DAY

INSERT: Sign on room that reads: National Honor Society
Polish is hoisted on the boy's shoulders like a Roman
gladiator.
MIKE (V.O.)
Yep, Polish aced the SAT. Some
blamed the rote educational system
for "Einstein's " low grades while
the rote educational system blamed
Mike for his lack of motivation.
Mike, Russell and Kenny tease the Hindu, Asian and Jewish
kids in the NHS meeting. Polish wolfs down chocolate milk and
flips it over his shoulder, belches and shouts.
POLISH
On your knees cretins for I am the
smartest mother in the valley.
The boys carry Polish away as they chant:
 41.

BOYS
All hail the conquering gentile!
King of the GOYS!
MIKE (V.O.)
The scene looked like something
from a Victor Mature gladiator
flick! Yes, the brainy kids were
Jewish and Asian for the most part
given their parent's allegiance to
education. Still, human nature
dictates that we dump on those more
self-disciplined than we are. Mr. B
would soon end that.
END OF FLASHBACK

INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY - DAY

Angle on heavyset kid sitting on a chair tilted back near a
stairway with a sign nearby on the wall.
INSERT: Sign that reads - GIRL'S GYM.
The boy feigns stiffness in his shoulder and neck as the
girls scale the steps. We hear him whistling the theme song
from Leave It To Beaver.

MIKE (V.O.)
Then there was another Mike who we
nicknamed Mole given his "Mole in
Heat" impression whenever a
pretty girl walked by. Later I
learned why he whistled the tune to
Leave it to Beaver. Mr. B's
influence would soon end that too.
CUT TO:

INT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA - DAY

Mole, Mike and others sit and chat.
MIKE (V.O.)
Nicholas Senn High school in
Chicago was a mini-UN when it came
to the students. If a country had
a name and a flag there was some
student from that nation.
Angle on kid gazing at Mole with a sinister look.
 42.

HIGH SCHOOL KID

They tell me you are the "Wipe Out
"king. I'm here to challenge you -
pilgrim!
MOLE
You're on, stranger! But first,
let's make this interesting. Looser
buys the winner a Pepsi?
The stranger sits and hammers out the Safari's hit Wipe Out
as the rest prep his entrance by mouthing the opening stanza.
Mole uses his eyeballs to summon someone over.
MOLE TO POLISH
Here comes my secret weapon!
Angle on sultry teenage girl joining them. The stranger, upon
catching sight of her, looses his rhythm and blows it. Mole
sits down and slaps out a perfect rendition of the drum roll.
He gets a kiss on the cheek from the girl like a race-car
driver at Indy. Mole collects the bet.
MOLE TO GIRL
Thanks Monica. I can always count
on you.
MIKE
So! This whole thing was rigged,
eh? Way to go Mr. Scam Man.

The boys sing a parody of Mr. Sandman.

BOYS
Mr. Scam Man, I want to win.
For a free Pepsi, dude I'm so in!
CUT TO:

INT. CHURCH GYM - EVENING

Mr. B is in front of the troop.
MR B
Gentlemen! Saturday we'll hike the
Annaqwannasippi Trail. It is a mere
fifty miles.
MOLE
Fifty miles? On foot? Like, no
cars? Not even a bike?
Mr. B holds up a bag of nuts and candy.
 43.

MR B
Nope, on foot! And all you'll have
is a canteen, back pack with basics
and one bag of birdseed.
MIKE
I tawt I taw a putty-cat.
MR B (laughing)
Good Tweety impression Mike! Here
is a list of ingredients and I’ll
pass out bags. Use it! I don't want
some of you showing up looking like
Santa Clause on the big night if
you know what I mean.
Angle on chubby kids getting wedgies from others.
MR B
We will assemble at the church at
0630 hours - that's 630 AM for you
civilians.
SCOUT NAMED JIMMY
6:30 AM? 6:30AM? Only ALKY's and
PREE-VERTS are on the streets at
6:30 AM.
MIKE (V.O.)
Jimmy was nick-named Porker given
his girth and an incredible Porkey
Pig routine he could do that had us
in stitches. He also had a heart as
big as his tapeworm. If you needed
help, they didn't make them better
than Porker.
CUT TO:

EXT. STATE STREET CHICAGO DAY

Mike meets his dad outside a surplus store. The two go in.

INT. ARMY SURPLUS STORE - DAY

The radio is playing Nancy Sinatra's song Boots. Mike finds
his dad in the store gazing at the stuff he hauled around
during WWII. The store owner is named JOE.

MIKE
Hi Dad. What's up?
 44.

JESSE
Joe, he's doing fifty miles next
week. Need something good.
JOE
Fifty miles? What, you gone and
enlisted? Follow me son!
Angle on combat boots Mike tries on. He gets up to check them
out. Mike walks over to a picture on the wall.
INSERT: Photo of emaciated men with General Douglas
MacArthur.
JESSE
How do those boots feel, son?
Mike says nothing. Joe and his Dad go up to him.
MIKE
That's General MacArthur.
JOE
Yes it is. Guess who this is?
Joe points to a skinny man in the middle of the picture.
Michael shakes his head.
JOE
That's me! Spent four years in a
Japanese prison camp after being
captured at Bataan. It was the
best weight loss program every
devised. Low cal, high stress.
MIKE
Bataan! You were in the Bataan
death march?
JOE
Yes I was. And our march was a lot
longer and less friendly than the
one you're going to take.
Joe goes over to Jesse to ring up the shoes. Mike joins his
dad to leave.
MIKE (stops at door)
Sir, thank you. For what you did
for us then.
 45.

JOE
You're very welcome son.
FADE OUT

INT. NEIGHBORHOOD RESTAURANT - MORNING

The boys are seated in their scout uniforms.
MIKE (V.O.)
In 1966 being up before the
chickens was no cause for concern.
The Friday night drinking crowds
rode the subway to avoid killing
people. Back then people used their
heads.
Mike and his pals sit at a booth. They are being stared at.
MOLE (sarcastically)
What am I now - a circus act?
Mole takes a fork and balances it on his nose while clapping
his hands emulating a show seal. Tight on a couple at a
booth.
ONE MAN TO WOMAN
Hey, puddin, ever tell ya I was
once a Boy Scout?

BIMBO
No! But I sure got to see some of
your merit badges last night eh
lover?
MAN
Yeah, and I was no tenderfoot was I
dumpling.
BIMBO
Well, the foot might have been
tender but we know what wasn't!
Angle back to boys in the booth. Mole is giving a waitress
his order.
MOLE
OK, a stack of pancakes, sausage,
hash-browns and two eggs over real
easy, leave some feathers on the
plate. Oh, and a toasted Pecan
Roll.
 46.

POLISH
Jezz Mole! Why don't you just lift
the A&P and shovel the entire
inventory in your mouth?
MOLE (defensive)
Hey! Fifty miles man on bird seed!
I need fuel!
POLISH
Yeah! But you're not a DC 9!
Angle on drunk going up to the boys.
DRUNK
Uh, you fellas Boy Scouts?
POLISH
No! We're from Alcoholics Anonymous
sent here on field training.
The drunk is confused. He then pulls out a five-dollar bill
and snaps it.
DRUNK
OK fellas. Let's cut to da chase.
If anyone has a "church key" the
fin is yours.
MIKE (mesmerized)
Awe! The first Republican. Hello
Abe!
MOLE
WOW! Five buckos! But, what's a
"church key"?
The drunk points towards Mole's scout knife dangling from his
belt.
MOLE
This? My scout knife?
Mole gives him his pocketknife. The drunk extracts the can
opener from it, lifts a can of beer from his pocket, opens it
and gets sprayed by the foam.
DRUNK
Thar she blows!
The drunk takes a swig and hands Mole his knife along with a
five-dollar bill before leaving.
 47.

MOLE
WOW! Sir, it was a pleasure doing
business with you. Do you have a
card? Damn, I didn’t get his name.
POLISH
Try Al, middle initial K, last name
HOLIC!

INT. SAME RESTAURANT - MOMENTS LATER

All the boys are up and soliciting money for the rental of
their scout knives. Each mutters the word "church-key" at
every table.
CUT TO:
INT. CHURCH GYM - THAT MORNING
Mr. B is in front of the boys.
MR. B
OK 812! Place the bird seed in
front of your packs. Now, empty
the contents of the packs.
Angle on Mole who panics.
MOLE TO POLISH
Crap! A strip-search.
The Scoutmaster gazes at the collage of contraband Mole is
trying to hide.
MR B
OK Mike! What do we have here? A
Mad Magazine, package of Hostess Ho
Ho's, a transistor radio, bottle of
Green River, Bazooka bubble gum, an
Archie comic book, Twinkies, a jar
of Bosco and PEZ - without the
holder?
MOLE
It broke!
Mr. B holds up a pez.
MR B
Mind if I have one ?

MOLE (relieved)
Sure Mr. B. Help yourself.
 48.

Mr. B takes the candy and gathers up the items.

MR B
Will lock these up for - safe
keeping. See me at the end of the
day for their return.
Mr. B departs with Mole’s loot.
MOLE (to himself)
Awe man!
CUT TO:

EXT. WOODS - MORNING

Cars pull up to the area where the trail begins. Mr. B and a
Colombian boy assemble the troop.
MR B
O.K. Scouts! The first mile starts
with the first step. Like all
goals this one will take time and
it won't come easy. Let's move
out.
MOLE
Uh, question! What if we have to
go to the bathroom while on the
trail?
MR B (thinks for a second)
What do you think Yogi and Bobo
Bear would do? That's why you have
a roll of toilet paper in your
pack!

CUT TO:

EXT. TRAIL LATER THAT MORNING

The boys march and gripe.
MOLE
Yeah, be prepared! Especially those
rolls of "important papers" we were
told to carry in our packs.
RUSSELL
Wouldn't want to use anything green
with white berries on it. Imagine
wiping with poison ivy!
 49.

MOLE
Just add it to the 812 misery index
as we eat like Tweety Pie and
Foghorn Leghorn and crap like Yogi
and Boobo.
POLISH
Gez Mole! Got any cheese to go with
your - whine?
Angle on boys hiking as Mr. B falls back to encourage
stragglers to pick up the pace.
MIKE (V.O.)
We managed to stay on our feet
during the hike. The mystery man
was there every step of the way
with words of encouragement. Our
stomachs grumbled and feet hurt but
we kept going. I thought back to
one of my favorite movies,
Northwest Passage. I then recalled
Spencer Tracy's speech to Rogers
Rangers trudging through the wilds
with growling stomachs.
Angle on boys sitting and eating the trail mix.

POLISH (imitating Yogi Bear)

Nuts and berries instead of a pic-a-
nick basket, yuck!
MOLE
Hey, I got this under control! It's
called subliminal replacement. No
really - hear me out. I see myself
eating a big, juicy burger with
gobs of melted Swiss cheese
smothered in grilled onions still
sizzling as the bun soaks in the
juice storing the savory
flavor for my taste buds which are -
freaking out over this stinking
thumper chow!
Mr. B arrives out of nowhere.
 50.

MR B.
Mind if I join you for lunch? I,
too, like a little "whine" with my
meal.
MOLE
You've come to the right place. We
maintain a very impressive whine
list.
POLISH
Yeah, any year is a good year for
us.
MR B
Well, I'll let you in on a little
secret. If I thought you guys
couldn't handle this I would
have taken you aside and politely
told you to stay home.
Mole and Polish seem to derive some pride over the
scoutmaster's remark which is why we:
FREEZE FRAME.
MR B
So it's agreed. No more "whine"
with the meals?

MOLE AND POLISH (in tandem)

Agreed!
MR B
Besides! You might drop a few
pounds and not sound like your
grandpa's after doing something
simple like walking up a flight of
stairs. You're too young for that.
Mr. B departs.
FADE OUT

EXT. END OF TRAIL - LATE AFTERNOON

Mike and the Colombian boy named FABIO make their way to the
finish line. They drop to rest along with the others. A Cuban
boy named GEORGE is with them.
 51.

MIKE
We did it! Fifty miles in seven
hours.
GEORGE
We did it muchachos! Fifty miles!
RUSSELL
I gotta get in shape or I'll be
dead before the draft board gets
me, assuming I don't get in to
med-school first.
POLISH
What's this? Dr. Kildare is out of
shape?
KENNY TO RUSSELL
Hey, you can't croak! You're my
brother. Who else is gonna give me
a free "HEAVE HO" up the rump
to check my prostate, assuming I
ever get old?
MIKE TO RUSSELL
Hey, Doc! I'm beat! Need some of
that stuff Ted Mack says will
relieve iron poor, tired blood.
What's it called? Geritol?
MOLE TO GEORGE
Hey, Ricky Ricardo! What's that
stuff your wife Lucy was peddling?
VITAMEATOVEGIMIN?"
GEORGE (miffed)
OK! Let me "splain" this to you -
Ralph Cramden. My name is not Ricky
Ricardo---it's (pause) JOSE
HEMANEZ!
MOLE (mimics Desi Arnez)
Lucy, you have some splaining to
do!
Angle on boys laughing. Mike laughs with them.
MIKE (V.O.)
They say if you're an "only child"
you have to be your own best friend
sometimes. Not so with the new 812.
I had both a troop and a family,
and a mentor. I was having the time
of my life in spite of the leg
cramps.
 52.

Mr. B is seen in f.g staring off at the forest. He seems

detached.
MIKE (V.O.)
Yet, I sensed there was something
troubling my Scoutmaster. I had
seen this before with my dad.
FADE OUT
(STOCK) FOOTAGE OF '67 CHICAGO BLIZZARD
INT. MIKE'S APARTMENT - DAY
Mike is watching I Love Lucy. The phone rings.
MIKE
Hey Polish! Sure! I'll call Kenny
and Russell. You call Mole, Joel
and George.
Mike picks up the phone.
CUT TO:

EXT. SNOW COVERED STREETS THAT AFTERNOON.

Mike and some of the scouts dig out a fire hydrant.

MIKE (V.O.)
Granted Chicago wasn't called
"Moscow on the Lake" for nothing,
but the 66 inches that fell in 1967
was a record. The city was
paralyzed. It was so bad they
placed an extra star on our flag to
commemorate it. I was looking
forward to some quality time
with Lucy, Ricky, Fred and Ethel.
But 812 answered the call.
Angle on a good-looking dark haired boy.
MIKE (V.O.)
There was Joel. He was our "Jewish
Fonz" long before Henry Winkler's
character arrived on the scene.
Joel was the only boy in a family
of girls, yet Romeo handled it with
class.
Angle on Joel tearing off his stocking cap as two girls walk
by and smile.
 53.

GIRLS
Hi Joel! What are you doing, making
a snowman?
JOEL
No! Am building a castle, for a
lovely princess!
The girls laugh as they depart
POLISH
God, I think I'm gonna hurl. You're
the only weirdo in Chicago who
would wear Hi Karate to shovel
snow.
JOEL
At least I don't OD on Byrlcream!
Where do you cut your hair? Jiffy
Lube?
POLISH
Hey, bite me!
MIKE
Hey, knock it off.
POLISH (under his breath)
God's chosen - gift to women.

FLASHBACK

EXT. CAMPSITE - DAY

Joel and Polish eat sliced oranges around a campfire.
MIKE (V.O.)
Polish and Joel did joust, but it
was good-natured. On one campout we
needed to attend religious
services. Mr. LeClerk, the old
scoutmaster, told Joel to perform a
services for the Jewish Scouts,
something Joel tried to get out of.
JOEL TO SCOUTMASTER
Gee Sir, I'd love to lead services
but I left my Yamaka at Home. Darn!
Polish finishes his orange half, wanders over to Joel and
plops it on his head.
 54.

POLISH
Hey, Rabbi Sunkist! Works for me.
Joel shrugs his shoulders, gathers up a couple of boys and
wanders off.
END OF FLASHBACK
CUT TO:

EXT. CHICAGO STREETS - DAY

Angle on wiry lad digging and nervously checking his watch.
MIKE (V.O.)
Then there was Danny. There was no
father in his house but nobody knew
why, nor did we ask. But his mother
made up for that.
DANNY
Let's keep these digs close to the
apartment. My mother told me to be
home by 5 PM or I'm a dead man.
POLISH
God, man! We're Boy Scouts helping
to dig out a city, not the Jets
looking for a rumble on the West
Side!
MIKE (V.O.)
We nicknamed Danny's Mom "Bloody
Mary" given how strict she was.
Little did we know the day
would come when we'd be begging
parents to be that vigilant with
their kids.
Angle to another Latin boy digging snow.
MIKE (V.O.)
Then there was Fabio and his two
brothers, Mario and Ricky. We knew
Fabio would become our Senior
Patrol Leader given his leadership
ability. Fabio was a take charge
kind of guy.
Angle on boys digging out a car. Fabio takes charge.
 55.

FABIO
OK Russell, if there's someone
inside you check for a pulse. Get
the person out fast so we can
start CPR.
JOEL (smiling)
Hey, what if she looks like Anne
Margaret or Joey Heatherton?
MOLE
Or, the little old lady from
Pasadena?
The boys hesitate for a moment, then resume digging. Mole
climbs into the hole with a flashlight Mike.
MOLE
Empty! No stiff! Tag it!
FABIO
That takes care of it. We got all
the hydrants. How about the elderly
home over on Broadway?
Porker shoulders his shovel like a rifle.
PORKER
You heard the Lieutenant. Let's
move out.

The boys march towards a large building as Porker mouths the

score from the 60's TV show Combat. The others join in.
CUT TO:

INT. ELDERLY HOME - LATER

The boys dig out the front door. Two old men are pounding on
the glass.
ELDERLY MAN
It won't open! We're going to
starve! We'll die and they'll take
our Social Security.
ELDERLY WOMAN
Look! They've come to rescue us.
We're saved.
Suddenly Polish peers inside the doors. The elderly people
panic as they gaze at him.
 56.

MIKE (V.O.)
Polish was no Tony Curtis but you
would have thought they had just
seen big-foot given their reaction.
TWO ELDERLY MEN
Punks! Juvenile Delinquents!
They're going to kill us so they
can keep our Social Security.
POLISH (disgusted)
Look you dried up old farts! I'm
out here freezing my gonads off to
rescue your sorry asses and this
is the thanks I get? Hey, you want
me to leave? I'll leave.
MIKE (V.O.)
Every day was a bad hair day for
Polish. Mr. B eventually took care
of that.
FADE OUT

EXT. MIKES APARTMENT BLDG. - SUMMER

Cuban music is heard in b.g. People stare into the sky. Mike
peer through a mounted telescope.

MIKE (VO)
Migratory patterns were constantly
changing on my island. Gone were
the docent tunes of Tchaikovsky and
balalaikas. The Russians took
education seriously, worked hard,
saved and moved north. Replacing
them was Momba, salsa and the name
of a guy who got back at the world
for being cut from the lineup of
the old Washington Senators
baseball team - the evil Fidel.
STOCK: Castro delivering a diatribe in Havana.
Angle on men arguing in Spanish in an apartment in Mike’s
building.
INSERT-Cuban flag on the wall, a map of Cuba and a picture of
Castro with trigger hairs on it.
 57.

MIKE (V.O.)
When the Europeans that fled
Communist tyranny moved out, a new
batch moved in. The Cubans.
An attractive Cuban girl go up to Mike.
MIKE (V.O.)
Unlike the Russians these people
wanted to go home in the worse way,
except for Laura. She liked it
here.
LAURA TO MIKE
Que Tal Miguel!
MIKE TO LAURA
Ola Laura. Here to see the eclipse?
LAURA
Yes, and your telescope.
MIKE
Yeah! My mom bought it for me for
Christmas.
Two adult women stand in the courtyard and leer at Laura.
LAURA TO PARENTS
Spanish spoken/trans: Lighten up!
This is the United States not
Havana. And it's the 1967!
LAURA TO MIKE
They are worse than Fidel! Always
watching me.
MIKE
That's why they call them parents I
guess.
CU: (STOCK) lunar eclipse. Muffled sounds of awe fill the air
as the old woman panics and shouts words in Spanish.
LAURA (translating/embarrassed)
She thinks God is taking the moon
from us. She thinks God is doing
this because we allowed Fidel to
take over Cuba.
MIKE (CONT’D)
Wait! I got an idea.
 58.

Mike goes over to some kids and asks them for their baseball,
tennis ball and basketball. He returns to the telescope and
grabs a flashlight.
MIKE
OK, Laura. I'll talk, you
translate.
The audio fades for the narration as Michael, with flashlight
in hand, simulates an eclipse.
MIKE (V.O.)
Somebody once said knowledge is
power. Now if it could only get me
a date with the lovely Laura.

People nod as Mike explains what an eclipse is. He blushes

as Laura gazes longingly at him. Everybody applauds when he's
done. The old lady leaves in a huff.
MIKE TO LAURA
So, uh, you think you'd kinda like
to maybe see a movie or something?
LAURA (her eyes widen)
Yes, that would be keen Miquel, but
I don't think my parents will let
me date yet.

MIKE (dejection)
Oh, OK! That's OK. Maybe later?
LAURA (shouts towards her parents)
Yeah, maybe later, when I'm IN MY
30's! Thanks for the astronomy
lesson. You should be a teacher.

Laura departs after giving Mike a quick peck on his cheek.

She casts a defiant look at her parents as they exchange
fleeting words in Spanish.
CUT TO: Angle on a Cuban boy Mike's age named GEORGE crossing
the street.
GEORGE
Well, well Miguel! Looks like you
got the eye of the lovely cosita
Laura.
MIKE
Yeah, well, I did but the Committee
for State Security won't let her
date.
 59.

GEORGE
So, first time at bat and we strike
out, Si? Well Miquel, looks like
you need an agent, somebody to put
in a good word for you.
MIKE (suspicious)
Agent, huh? What's this going to
cost me?
GEORGE (calculating)
Well, a little bird tells me that
Fabio will be our Senior Patrol
Leader. The same bird tells me he
wants you to be his Assistant
Senior Patrol Leader. So does
Mr. B.
MIKE (surprised)
Hum! VP! That was a quick
promotion.
GEORGE
Sure was! And as the ASPL of 812 I
hear you can recommend patrol
leaders.
MIKE (catching on)
OK, I know where this is heading. I
get a date with Laura and you get
to be the patrol leader --
GEORGE (jumping in)
--of the Flaming Arrow Patrol.
Hey, Cupid don't work for free.

Angle up to image of a man in an apartment ranting about

Castro.
MIKE (V.O.)
Laura's Dad was upstairs with other
Dads plotting another Bay of Pigs
debacle. No way was I getting
in the middle of that. Approaching
Castro would have been safer.
George, my Cubano amigo, was
right. I needed an agent.
CUT TO:
 60.

EXT. STREET - DAY

Laura and Michael stroll together toward a neighborhood
theater. He's wearing a tie.
INSERT: Movie Marquee: Dr. Zhivago.
MIKE (V.O.)
George learned quickly about how
things worked in this “toddling
town” town.
Angle on about six adults walking behind them as chaperones.
FADE OUT

INT. CHURCH GYM - EVENING

Mr. B stands before the troop. Some boys, Mike included,
stand in front.
MR B
OK 812! Our Senior Patrol Leader
will be Fabio. The Assistant Senior
Patrol Leader will be Mike.
Gentlemen, these two officers are
my eyes and ears. Now, the Patrol
leaders are Mike of the Raven
Patrol and George of the Flaming
Arrows. Other Junior leaders will
be Kenny, Joel, Paul and Michael
a.k.a. Polish. As we grow, we will
need other leaders. Work on your
rank and build up your skills if
you want to be promoted.
Everything's based on merit.

CUT TO:

EXT. CHURCH BUILDING - DAY

Angle on Mike who meets Mr. B after he parks his car. They
exchange a greeting.
Angle on two bullies (JEFF and DICK) beating on Joel.

MR. B (INCISED)
Damn it! That's it!
 61.

Mr. B pulls the kids off. Mike grabs one and arm locks him as
Mr. B holds the other. Joel breaks away bloody but OK. The
church minister bolts through the door and looks around.
MINISTER
Bring them inside! I'm getting sick
of this.
CUT TO:

INT. MINISTER'S OFFICE

The Asian boy PAUL frisks the gang kids.

MINISTER TO MR B
Make sure they don't have any
weapons.
PAUL TO BOYS
Hands on the heads, now!
Mike holds a Kleenex on Joel's nose. Tight on Mr. B as he
removes a knife and brass knuckles from Jeff. Dick breaks
down.
DICK
Please don't call the cops!

MINISTER
Too late!
A plainclothes officer and patrolman walk in.
JEFF (gets belligerent)
Hey! I know my rights!

The policeman grabs him and throws him back on the couch.
POLICEMAN
Look punk! You're a juvenile! You
don't have squat rights. I want you
to listen and listen hard. If it
were up to me I'd have you in
Joliet doing 5 to 10. But Mr.
Bartholomew has a proposition for
you. I suggest you listen up!
MR B (angry yet resolute)
We meet here on Mondays! We know
who you are and where you live.
 62.

MR. B
You have two choices, either show
up the next two Mondays starting
next week or Joel and his family
will press charges for aggravated
assault. Unlike baseball you have
two strikes, not three.
JEFF (willing to listen)
What do we have to do - if we come?
MR B
Nothing! Just observe! If you
like what you see you can join our
gang! Lot's of Presidents,
congressmen and generals along with
other successful people have. If
you don't like it, or it's too
tough for you, then leave after the
second Monday. But if you touch one
of my scouts again yo will be able
to impress your friends with the
nice little cage the state will
give you where you will, eat, sleep
and take a crap. Do you want to
crap where you eat? Not even those
pathetic losers you call your
friends want that.
Dick starts to cry. Mr. B goes nose to nose with him.

MR. B
I'm going to cut you in on a
secret. If I thought you were
beyond hope, I'd have you cuffed
right now. But I have a hunch it's
not too late. What do you think?

Both boys are reticent.

MR. B
812 will be in the field this
weekend. Monday seven PM sharp for
formation. See you there.
CUT TO:

EXT. FORREST AND FIELD - AFTERNOON.

Mr. B is near a picnic table as the troop assembles for a
lecture.
MR. B
 63.

OK 812! Listen up. We will be

spending some time in the outdoors.
I want to pass on some ideas about
Bisquick, the Swiss Army Knife of
outdoor cooking. Patrol leaders,
take notes. You don't want to loose
your men to those patrols that can
cook better, do you?
Mr. B passes around some samples of something he cooked
earlier.
MR B
The first entrée is called Pig in a
Blanket. Merely roll a weenie up in
the Bisquick, wrap in foil and toss
in the fire for about ten minutes.
Angle, on a chicken hanging on a tripod.
MR B
Here we have a simple tripod and a
whole chicken lanced through the
wings. Merely hang it on the
ropes from both ends of the stick,
turn it around and let it swing
above the fire and wha-la! An
outdoor rotisserie or, if you like,
a swinging chick.
MOLE
Swinging chick? Careful, Joel
might pounce on it.
The scouts laugh as Mike and Mole give Joel a few good-
natured wedgies.
MR B
Now, we've been using a perfectly
good fire above ground. Do we want
to waste the heat below?
BOYS IN TANDEM
No!
MR B (theatrical and enjoying it)
Do you want to see what we have "in
the oven"?
BOYS IN TANDEM
Yes!

POLISH
Maybe
 64.

Everybody looks at Polish.

POLISH
We're talking about food buried in
the dirt. We can get that in our
high school cafeteria.
KOREAN SCOUT
Or at my parent's restaurant. We
call it "Kim-CHE".
FREEZE FRAME- MR. B gazes at the Korean Scout for a moment.
Mr. B unearths some dirt. Objects wrapped in foil are placed
on the table. He unwraps them.
MR B
Here we have a simple baked potato.
Just clean it, poke lots of holes
in it, wrap in foil and toss it
in the fire.
MIKE (V.O.)
One tasty idea after another was
demonstrated by our "Julia Childs
of the Wilds " as we called our
scoutmaster. He seemed to be having
as much fun as we were.
MR B
Also, we have a lot of surface heat
don't we?
BOYS IN TANDEM
Yes!
Mr. B lifts a clump of dirt and places it on the table.

MR. B
How many of you like a good
hardboiled egg?
MOLE
They make me fart.
The troop laughs.
MR B (laughing)
Me too! But doctors say flatulence
is a good thing.

POLISH (points to Mole)

Not if you have to bunk with him.
 65.

POLISH
His "cheese" could knock a buzzard
off a three day old barf bag left
in the sun.
MOLE
Hey, Peppy La Phew! You’re no
bottle of Channel #5 either.
MR B
OK Oscar and Felix! Guys, all you
do is take some good old dirt, pour
it in a hole, pour some water in
and stir the mud making it thick.
MIKE TO KENNY (whispering)
Fifteen years old and we're back to
playing with mud-pies.
MR B
Take the uncooked egg, wrap the mud
around it. Place it in the fire
and let the mud harden. I have one
that's done.
PAUL
There's a hard-boiled egg inside
that?
MR B
You bet! Come on up with that rock.
Paul takes the rock and taps at the mud-ball. Suddenly it
explodes. Paul is hit with dirt and egg as he hits the
ground.
POLISH
Ah yes! Boyles Law on pressure
density has once again reared its
ugly head.
MOLE
Wow, Paul! You look like Mr. Potato-
head.
The troop laughs hysterically.
PAUL (angry)
Bakatari!
He wanders off without making a sound.
PORKER (with Cheshire grin)
Oh! That's Japanese!
 66.

PORKER
I know what it means. My old man
was at Okinawa during the war.
Porker whispers in some boys ears.
FADE OUT

EXT. WOODS - EVENING

Mr. B leads the boys in song around a campfire.
BOYS (finishing a song)
John Jacob Jingle Heimer Schmidt la
la la la la!
MR B
That was great! Look, I need to go
to the camp office and drop off
something. I'll be back.
Mr. B departs as the boys look around.
MOLE
The coast is clear! He's gone!
Anyone hear any good Peter Gunn
stories?
Mole starts humming the Henri Mancini tune to the 60's TV
show Peter Gunn. The boys jump in.
MOLE
My name is Peter Gunn. A beautiful
blonde walked into my office
downtown. She pulled out two
thirty-eights. Then she pulled out
a gun.
MIKE (V.O.)
Granted this wasn't Kymbiya and
would have bought me a one way
ticket to Grounded City back
home. But my parents were in
Chicago and this was Aurora,
Illinois. Still, there was nothing
in the handbook that said off-color
limericks were a no-no when the
scoutmaster was away.
POLISH
My name is Peter Gunn. The
beautiful blonde took me to her
apartment for some cake.
 67.

POLISH
She had a piece. I had a piece. Oh
- the cake was good too.
The boys laugh hysterically.
MOLE
Porker, take it away!
PORKER
The beautiful blonde gets a flat
tire. We fix it. She pumped. I
pumped. She pumped. I pumped.
Oh, we fixed the tire too!
GEORGE
BA BA LO!
Boys howl with laughter.
BOYS IN TANDEM
Lucy, you got some splaining to do!
GEORGE
A boulder rolls down the hill and
smashes into the beautiful blonde's
chest. If it happened a minute
earlier, it would have busted my
teeth.

MOLE
Time for a little song to a gal
named Lulu! Ya ready?
Angle on Mr. B in woods behind a tree gazing at the
spectacle. He shakes his head.
BOYS
Bang, Bang Lulu. Bang, Bang Lulu.
Bang, bang,Lulu, Lulu bang bang
bang!
MOLE
Lulu had a boyfriend, his name was
Timmy Tim. She took him to the
water, to see if he could swim.
She took him to the water, she took
him to the falls. Timmy lost his
balance and she caught him by his --
BOYS IN TANDEM
BANG BANG LULU! BANG BANG LULU!
BANG BANG LULU! LULU BANG BANG
BANG!
 68.

ONE BOY
Hey, here's one I heard back in
Alabama. Why don't the colored
celebrate Father's Day? Cause
it's too confusin for em.
A few boys chuckle. The rest are quiet. Mike leaves.
MIKE (V.O.)
The mirth had died down. Now I
definitely saw my father's and
mother's backhand on my keester.
Mike wanders off. He gazes at some stars. Suddenly, he bumps
into Mr. B who tells him to remain quiet. Angle on one of a
few boys still sitting around. The boy turns and sees Mr. B.
He mumbles the theme from the TV cop show Dragnet.
ONE SCOUT
DUM, DUM DUM, DUM!
MR B (slow burn)
I want everybody to listen to what
it is I am about to say.
POLISH TO MOLE
Is he gonna get a switch and take
us to the woodshed?

MR B
This is the first and last time I
will ever say this. I never, ever
want to hear the kind of filth
I heard coming out of the mouths of
Boy Scouts. I will not tolerate it.
Do you understand me?
The boys nod in unison. Many are jolted by his sincerity.
MIKE (V.O.)
This was a first for many of us. We
were on the receiving end of
genuine anger about something
significant - and from an adult
other than our parents.
MR B
First, I want each one of you to
try to substitute your mother's or
sister's name for beautiful blonde
in those stories you told. Really,
try using your mother's name.
 69.

Angle on boys, many of whom look down.

MR. B
Can't do it can you? Mike? Jimmy?
Kenneth? I also heard the Father's
Day crack. If you want to delude
yourself into thinking that having
children out of wedlock is generic
with one group of people and one
group of people alone knock
yourself out. But don't do it while
in my presence, wearing this
uniform - -
Mr. B points to the American flag on his sleeve.
MR B (CONT’D)
--that bears this flag! This flag!
Mr. B surveys the entire group as the faint sounds of bugles
and men screaming O.S is heard again.
FADE

INT. CHURCH GYM - EVENING

Over 100 boys assemble in the church gym.
MIKE (V.O.)
We grew almost overnight from 25
boys to over 100. All our positions
were filled. We even had two
quartermasters, and two new
recruits.
Dick and Jeff, the gang kids, stand to the side. With them is
another adult.
MR. B
812 I want you to meet Mr. Richard
Shotke. He will be your assistant
scoutmaster. Jeff! Gary? Step
forward please. There's a word in
the English language I am
particularly found of. That word is
redemption. I want 812 to welcome
Dick and Jeff. They're wisely
chosen to look at today as the
first day of the rest of their
lives.
Angle on Mike and Joel as they stare at the gang members with
some apprehension.
 70.

INT. SHOTKE'S CAR TRAVELLING LATER DAY

Mike, Mole and Polish in car as Shotke drives.
SHOTKE
OK Michael, question! Where do
bears prefer to hibernate during
the winter?
Polish in back seat with Joel as he hums the score from the
TV game show Jeopardy.
MIKE
Uh, wherever the hell they want to?
MIKE (V.O.)
Mr. Shotke was a naturalist in
addition to being a child
psychologist and juvenile parole
officer. Granted he was something
of killjoy but he was our killjoy
with his pop quizzes.
POLISH (mimics game-show host)
HONK, wrong answer! Sorry! But
we're going to give you a nice pat
on the ass, some parting gifts and
the Richard B. Shotke home game.
Shotke eyeball Polish via the rearview mirror.

SHOTKE
We'll talk later Michael.
FADE TO:

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

812's Junior leaders are listening to Mr. B giving a speech.
Behind him on a blackboard with the word LEADERSHIP written.
MIKE (V.O.)
After the Bobby Riggs slash Klan-
fest in Aurora, Illinois, Mr. B
knew we needed leadership training.
And training we got, real
professional stuff.
MR B
When delegating tasks, do it
equally. Don’t show favoritism and
don't be petty and vindictive.
 71.

MR SHOTKE
Never berate a subordinate in
public. If there's an issue go
someplace private.
FADE TO

INT. ENTRANCE TO LARGE ASSEMBLY HALL - AFTERNOON.

Mole and Polish are sidetracked by a VFW gathering in another
conference room. An old veteran sees them.
VETERAN
Hey scouts, we got some leftover
cake and cookies. Want some?
MOLE AND POLISH (in unison)
No problemo!
The boys enter and munch away as the MC takes the microphone
after a drum roll.
MC
Good afternoon VETS! Are you ready
for some real entertainment? Live,
from the Shamrock Club in downtown
Waukegan, a little lady who could
have warmed things up on those cold
nights from Bastogne to Inchon.
Let's really hear it for Betty the
bombshell Dumbrowski.
Applause, hoots and whistles as a very sensuous blond clad in
a go-go outfit steps out.

BETTY
HELLLLO GI's! I got a song for you!
The singer sings a tune.
Better tell me you love me
better give me a thrill,
cause if a you don't
somebody else will.
Slow pan on middle aged and older GI's.
SERIES OF SHOTS
CU. Vets and ID's on hats.
 72.

A. INSERT HAT: OMAHA BEACH June 6, 1944

B. INSERT HAT: IWO JIMA, Feb 1945
C. INSERT HAT: PORK CHOP HILL, KOREA
D. INSERT HAT: BELLEAUE WOOD, FRANCE 1918
Angle on one man at a table.
VET AT TABLE
Oh Honey where were you when the
Jerry's were trying to light a fire
under my ass at Polesti?
ANOTHER VET
Sit down Ray! You got too much snow
on the roof for her to have
anything to do with you!
FIRST VET
Hey, there may be snow on the roof
but there's still fire in the
furnace!
The singer sees Mole with his mouth full of cake. She goes up
to him.
SINGER
Hi, Ringo! How's George, Paul and
John?

VET
Hey, gorgeous, you want to check
out my merit badges?
Angle to entrance as Mr. B, Fabio and Mike gaze at the
spectacle. Mike turns away to laugh. Fabio smiles after
catching a glimpse of the woman.
FABIO
Aye Carrumba!
Angle on Mr. B as he squints his eyes and scratches his head.
A veteran goes up to Mole and Polish.
VET
What's that you kids say now-a-
days? Sock it to me?

Angle on Mr. B gazing at one man’s hat label.

INSERT: INCHON, KOREA.
 73.

Tight on Mr. B drifting in to a fog.

Mr. B snaps back to reality. He sees the mic and stares at
the audience once the woman finishes singing. He chuckles
slightly with the singer who laughs apologetically as she
waves good-bye to everybody as they applaud.
MR B
Hi vets! I'm Paul Bartholomew,
their scoutmaster. Look, I might
need some salt peter for their
gravy tonight if you know what I
mean.
The Vets roar with laughter.
MR. B
Anybody got any?
More laughter in b.g. Mr. B turns to leave but stops. He
hesitates before asking a question.
MR B
Uh, guys. Question. Did any of you
serve in -?
Mr. B stops. He can’t say the word Korea. One vet jumps up.
VET
Korea?

FREEZE FRAME: they stare at one another.

VET
Don't be ashamed of it! Don't! We
held them! We held them at the 38th
- a line they’ll never cross again.

Mr. B leaves without saying anything. Mike, Fabio, Mole and

Polish stand aside and just stare at their scoutmaster as he
walks alone to their conference room.
FADE OUT:

INT. HOTEL ELEVATOR - DAY

Mike and Fabio are with Mr. B. A man who is not a vet enters
from another floor. He looks up and down at Mr. B and the
boys in their uniforms. He looks like a beatnick.

STRANGER
Who the hell are you, Smokey the
Bear?
 74.

Mike is incensed. He gives the stranger the once over.

MIKE
No, mister! He's not Smokey the
Bear. What are you? Burnt Wood?
STRANGER (before departing)
Goody two-shoe bastards.
MIKE (defensive)
Hey, bite me beatnik!
FABIO
Right here, Cabrone!
MR B (after man exits)
Michael, Fabio stop it! Let it go!
Now! (pause) Let it go!
POV on boys who gaze at Mr. B. The elevator opens. Mr. B
takes them aside.
MR. B
This is nothing compared to what
will be hurled at you later in life
when your values are spat upon with
you still in them. Learn to roll
with it.
FADE OUT

EXT. MIKE'S CHURCH - AFTERNOON

Cars drive up and the boys exit and join their parents. Angle
on Mike seeing his Mom and Dad.
MR B TO MIKE'S MOM
Mr.'s Riles, nice to meet you
again. Michael was something else.
He was a great speaker. I think he
should run for Congress later. God
knows I'd vote for him.
FRANCES
Michael, you look like you've grown
a foot since I last saw you.
MIKE
I think I have mom. I think I have.

FADE OUT
MONTAGE
 75.

A) Footage of Elvis and Pricilla getting married. (STOCK)

MIKE (V.O.)
1966 came and went. In a flash
1967 made its debut. Many a heart
was broken as Elvis and Pricilla
tied the knot.
B) Footage of Jane Mansfield and Vivian Leigh. (STOCK)
MIKE (V.O.)
Jane Mansfield was gone as was the
scheming Scarlet O'Hara.
C) Footage of Spencer Tracy (STOCK)
MIKE (V.O.)
Not to mention my Major Rogers.
D) Footage of a rock concert at Monterey, California (STOCK)
MIKE (V.O.)
The defiant melodies of the Birds,
Jefferson Airplane and Otis Redding
were liberating souls.
E) Footage of Charles DeGualle's famous Long Live Free
Quebec speech (STOCK)
MIKE (V.O.)
While French President Charles
DeGaulle was promising to liberate
Quebec---
F) Footage of 67' Arab-Israeli war and Moshe Dyan. (STOCK)
MIKE (V.O.)
--and Moshe Dyan was promising to
liberate Israel.
DISSOLVE TO:

INT. CHURCH GYM - EVENING

Mr. B stands in front of the troop.
MIKE (V.O.)
(MORE)
 76.
MIKE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
We were getting ready to be
liberated from our parents that
summer of 67' for two weeks at the
Owassippi Scout reservation in
Whitehall, Michigan.
CUT TO:

EXT. LARGE COMPLEX - DAY

Buses pull up as 812 assembles outside. Fabio and Mike stand
before the troop. Angle on the two gang boys, Jeff and Dick.
They are in uniform.
JEFF TO JOEL
Look, for what it's worth, I'm
sorry I did to you what I did.
JOEL TO JEFF
It's OK. I’ll holler for you if a
wild animal comes after me.
Jeff extends is hand for Joel to shake. Joel shows him the
Boy Scout handshake.
JOEL TO JEFF
We have our own. It's like this. We
call it the Baden Powell shake.

CU of Boy Scout handshake.

FADE OUT

EXT. CAMP-SIGHT - MORNING

Angle on tents already up with cots inside. The boys stop and
gaze in disbelief.
POLISH
All that's missing is a neon sign
that says Heartbreak Hotel.
JOEL (w/feigned Yiddish Accent)
For 25 bucks a week you were
expecting the Hilton?
FABIO
Patrol leaders, pick an area and
take charge of your patrols. Let’s
clean it up.
 77.

Mole opens his cot. Polish is with him. Porker seems

slightly distressed.
MOLE (holding up the cot)
Hey Porker! These are regular cots.
The camp might have some that are
duel reinforced for husky guys like
you.
PORKER
Hey bite me you Twinkie!
Poker makes for the woods. Mike and Fabio witness the
incident. Mike walks outside the tent and stares at Porker.
MIKE TO FABIO
You want to handle this one or
should I.
FABIO
Go ahead! You've known Jimmy and
Mike longer than I have.
MIKE
Mole, why did you do that? Did you
ever think Jimmy might be a tad
sensitive about his weight?
Com'on, you're his patrol leader
for crying out loud.

MOLE
Great! Now Porker of all people is
getting all touchy feelie sensitive
on me.
CUT TO:

EXT. WOODED CLEARING - DAY

Mike finds Porker fighting back tears while sitting under a
tree.
MIKE
Let me guess. You're in the same
boat as me? First two weeks away
from mom and dad. Right?
PORKER
I didn't feel this way on the
campouts.

(MORE)
 78.
MIKE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Those were just weekends. This is
two weeks. Big diff!
Mike takes some postcards from his pocket.
MIKE
Here, take two. Mom gave me a
bunch. This way I can't use the old
"don't have a stamp" excuse. It's
the next best thing to talking to
her.
PORKER
Thanks!
Mike pats Jimmy on the shoulder and leaves. Mole shows up
and apologizes. Mike looks back and sees Mole shaking
Porker's hand.
MIKE (VO)
After every JL meeting Mr. B would
close shouting the word leadership.
Our response was a rousing We
Accept the challenge.
CUT TO:

EXT. CAMPSITE - DAY

Moles Raven Patrol listens to a tune from the Curkle on a

transistor radio called Red Rubber Ball. The boys sing along.
BOYS (in tandem)
I should have known, you'd bid me
farewell. There's a lesson to be
learned from this and I learned it
very well.
DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. CAMPSITE - LATE NIGHT

Mike and Paul sit at a picnic table. Paul fidgets with a
miniature stick-bridge and twine for his Pioneering Merit
Badge. Mike reads an Astronomy merit badge pamphlet.
MIKE
When will Fabio, Mr. B and Mr.
Shotke be back from that meeting?
PAUL
Don't know.
(MORE)
 79.
MIKE
(CONT'D)
There's so much admin stuff these
days, especially when it comes to
safety. Bureaucrats!
Joel and Jeff wander up to the bench and sit down.
MIKE
Well, if it isn't Romeo. Can't
sleep?
JOEL
It's quiet here! Too quiet!
PAUL
I know, it's weird. No cop cars,
fire engines, someone screaming
"call 911 "!
JEFF
No rumbles!
Mike laughs as he gives Jeff a good-natured wedge. Paul, who
is immersed in his pioneering project, is singing to himself.

PAUL
Ba-Ba-Ba-BAR-BARA ANN!
Suddenly, a heinous screech is heard in the forest. All are
jolted - even Jeff.

JEFF
What was that?
PAUL
Man I never heard anything like
that before!

JOEL
Maybe it was just our imagination.
Maybe we're just tired and we're
hearing things.
The sound is heard again, more blood-curdling than before.
MIKE
Was that our imagination?
All four boys race towards Mr. B's tent.
MIKE TO JOEL
Tie the flaps down on that side!
Hurry!
 80.

Joel holds a flashlight under his chin.

JOEL
What's out there?
JEFF
Maybe some wild animal - a
wolverine or wolf or something!
PAUL (holds Buddhist prayer piece)
Wild animals? Roaming free? Why
aren't they in the zoo where they
belong?
Paul chants a Buddhist prayer in Japanese as Joel pulls out a
Star of David and prays in Hebrew. Mike and Jeff pull their
sheath knives as they hear something approaching the tent.
MIKE (CONT’D)
Yea though I walk through the
Valley of the Shadow of Death.
The boys are about to lunge. They hear something outside.
MR B
Junior leaders? Michael? Paul?
Joel? Anybody here?
THE BOYS
Mr. B!

MIKE
God I'm glad to see you. We heard
something that sounded like it came
from a horror flick.
PAUL
Yeah, this thing made Godzilla
sound like Captain Kangaroo.
MIKE
It was a loud, gargle sound, kind
of a "hooty" type of noise.
RICHARD
Congratulations, Michael. You were
prepared to do battle with a Horny
Owl.
MIKE
A HORNY OWL? Well, if that's what
they sound like when they're HORNY,
I'd hate to hear one if it ain't
getting any!
 81.

JEFF
Great, I came this close to
"cutting" a bird in heat and
violating my parole.
FADE OUT:

EXT. LAKE PIER - THE NEXT MORNING.

Troop 812 is seated at a bench facing the lake. A swimming
instructor is talking to them.

INSTRUCTOR
So, Troop 812 from Chicago. I'll
make you feel at home.
Wayne mouths the original score from the TV show The
Untouchables. He then mimic's firing a Thompson sub-machine
gun. The boys just sit there and stare at him.
POLISH TO MOLE
Great! Another Don Rickles wanna-
be!
JEFF TO POLISH
Want me to kick his ass for you?

INSTRUCTOR
OK! My name is Wayne Collins. I
will be your swimming instructor.
Let's start with the rules! First,
look around you and find somebody
you can stomach. That person will
be your buddy. He will be your
shadow! When I blow this whistle
you will lock hands and hold them
up for my head count.
POLISH
Maybe I'll just hike downtown and
buy one of those blowup wading
pools.
GEORGE TO PORKER
This guy would team Moby Dick with
Flipper.

WAYNE
And when you lock hands I want you
to shout " BUDDY "!
 82.

WAYNE
You will have ten seconds to find
your shadow! Failure to obey these
rules will result in a loss of
privileges.
KENNY TO MIKE
Oh! We'll get suspension.
JEFF (feigning remorse)
Yeah! Kind'a makes me feel
homesick!
WAYNE
Oh and JL's? Make sure you're
wearing loose clothes with a scout
belt and a long sleeve shirt
tomorrow. Those going for the
Lifesaving Merit Badge will have
their work cut out for them.
FADE OUT:

EXT. LAKE PIER - DAY

Wayne paces the pier as the JL's stand with their clothes on.
WAYNE
OK! Everyone remove your shoes and
socks. If you wear glasses, put
them inside a shoe. Take out your
wallets and button your collars.
The boys do as instructed.
WAYNE
OK! Jump in.
Everybody hesitates as Wayne grabs a bullhorn.
WAYNE
Move it! In the water now! Clothes
and all!
The boys jump in and tread water.
WAYNE
Listen up! The day might come when
your CRUSE SHIP tips over and
sinks.
 83.

MOLE TO PORKER
Hey Porker, you planning on
honeymooning with one of the Gabor
sisters anytime soon?
WAYNE
Check out that bubble in your
shirt. Try to use it to float.
KENNY (frustrated)
The air won't stay in mine!
POLISH (equally frustrated)
Same here. It's these damn cotton
shirts! I guess it's because cotton
"breathes' so!
WAYNE
If you loose air just blow some
into your shirt between the top
buttons. OK! Now! Remove your
pants.
GEORGE
In the lake?
WAYNE
No! In Hefner's Playboy Mansion! Of
coarse the lake. Move it!

The boys struggle to remove their pants. Some go under the

water and surface.
WAYNE
Now grab the ends of the legs and
tie them together. Zip up the
zipper. Grab the pants by the belt
loops, open wide and flip them up
to get air. Once you get a bubble,
pull the belt in real tight.
Danny applies the ad hoc life vet and floats.
DANNY
Hey, I'm floating. Look at this.
WAYNE
There you go! Now, open the zipper
and blow air inside. Do it! Blow!
Blow!

Mole and Polish gaze at each other in disbelief. The other

boys do double takes.
 84.

MOLE (fighting the urge to laugh)

Kinky!
GEORGE
Aye Caramba!
KENNY TO MIKE
Maybe they'll film this and watch
it - late at night!
RUSSELL TO WAYNE
Are you sure this is in the Life
Saving Merit Badge book?
WAYNE (pacing the pier)
Quit jacking your jaws, people!
Float! If you want Eagle you'll
have to get Lifesaving! To get
Lifesaving, you'll have to get by
me.
MIKE (singing an old WWII song)
Someone's rocking my dream boat,
someone's invading my dream.
WAYNE (to himself)
Somebody please tell me it's time
for lunch.
MIKE (V.O.)
Wayne looked like a walrus on some
National Geographic special the way
he scratched his butt, yawned and
wandered off the pier. He just left
us there - alone.
GEORGE
Wayne, uh Sir? Does this mean
we're done for the day?
WAYNE (stops and turns)
I want all of you here 2100 hours
or 9 PM for you civilians tonight.
The mission is classified. Details
to follow! Trunks only.
MIKE TO FABIO
Now what?
CUT TO:

EXT. LAKE-FRONT - EVENING

 85.

The JLs arrive at the pier as the councilors practice

football snaps near their bunkhouse. They are wearing
Michigan State shirts. Fabio shouts at Wayne.
FABIO
How's it going Knute Rockne?
Getting ready for another loosing
season against Notre Dame?
Close-up of Wayne curling his lip and smirking.
WAYNE
Greetings from your draft board.
The North Vietnamese have set up a
radar station on a platform on Lake
Big Blue. You've been assigned to
swim quietly without being detected
by their search lights, touch the
platform and swim back. If you blow
it, we'll "do it over".
KENNY
Uh, my brother is in Vietnam. Any
chance of a hardship exemption
here?
POLISH
What? We're Navy Seals now?
WAYNE
Keep an eye out for their
searchlight. When you see it
coming, go under the water. Now,
don't loose your direction. This is
a big lake, not a duck pond. O.K
soldiers! Spread out and good luck.
Angle on Mike as he mouths the score from Goldfinger.

MIKE (V.O.)
This was definitely cool. At 15 I
felt like Sean Connery in
Goldfinger-- less the tux under the
wet suit and every woman over
thirty in the theater wanting my
body.
CUT TO:

EXT. LATE - NIGHT

Angle on the pier and a large light-beam skimming the water

towards Mike.
 86.

MIKE (being theatrical/in a whisper)

Enemy searchlights! Dive! Dive!
MIKE (V.O.)
Now I was Clark Gable in Run
Silent, Run Deep.
Mike takes a deep breath and goes under. Angle up to beam
rimming the top. Mike surfaces and seems disorientated. In
the distance he hears a motorboat. Their radio is on. We hear
the song Help.
MIKE (to himself)
Where am I? Where's the platform?
Damn it! OK! OK! Got to stay calm!
Stay Calm! But how do I stay calm
when I'm lost in the middle of the
lake!
Mike's loud protestations are picked up by the searchlight
that skims the lake again. He dives again and comes up after
the light passes above him on the surface of the water.
MIKE
OK! I'm not that far out. I'll
just swim!
Mike hears someone splashing nearby.
PAUL
Who's that?
MIKE
It's me! Mike. I saw the beam to my
right. Let's angle out at about
twenty degrees, east north-east!
Angle on stars in the sky.
MIKE
East, northeast. Come on platform,
where are you?
MIKE (V.O)
Now I was Columbus and Magellan in
pursuit of the New World.
Angle on Mike making wide breaststrokes. Suddenly, we hear a
thump.
MIKE (V.O.)
Unfortunately, I hit "San Salvador"
hard - really hard.
 87.

MIKE
Damn it!
We hear another thump.
PAUL
Bakatari!
FADE OUT
EXT. 812 CAMP SIGHT - MORNING
Angle on forest and birds chirping loudly. Richard is up and
reading a book. His radio is on. The tune is Peter Gynt's The
Morning Suite #1. The chirping intensifies.
Mike staggers outside. He has a shiner. He scratches his
buttocks and gazes up and yells out.
MIKE
Shut up!
The chirping stops. Close-up of a bird cocking its head as
Mike returns to his bunk.
MIKE
I'm on my summer vacation.
DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. LAKE FRONT- MORNING

The JLs are lined up on the edge of the lake as Wayne leads
another drill.
WAYNE

OK, we're going to learn how to

save a drowning victim. Out there
is old Bill. To pass this
requirement do this! Make believe
Bill is really that Miss July you
might have salivated over in a
certain magazine some of you snuck
in out here.
Angle on all the JL's gazing at Joel.
JOEL (defensive)
What?
WAYNE
OK, listen up!
 88.

WAYNE (CONT’D)
Here's how you get your clothes off
real fast. First, kick off your
shoes while you unbutton your
shirt. Then undue the belt and
kick off the paints while you tear
off the T-shirt. You must do this
while keeping your eyes on the
victim! You will have ten seconds
to strip and hit the water. Later,
we'll learn how to apprehend a
drowning victim. So, who wants to
go first or am I going to have to
volunteer somebody?
POLISH
Let me take a stab at it.
Wayne prepares the stopwatch. The councilor in the water
fakes drowning.
WAYNE
On your mark! Get set! GO!
Polish does as instructed moving like a madman. The boys
cheer him on. He steps in the water.
WAYNE
Eight and ½ seconds. Not bad! Can
anybody beat that?

MIKE
Oh well, what the hell!
Jeff and Gary see Mike's black eye.
GARY
Hey Mike? Nice shiner. We're you in
a rumble or something?
MIKE
Yeah! And the Viet Cong won!
Wayne prep's his stopwatch.
WAYNE
Ready, set, GO!
Mike moves fast as the boys mouth the Lone Ranger Theme. He
steps into the water and falls down in excruciating pain.

WAYNE
WOW! Seven seconds!
 89.

MIKE (holding his foot)

God my foot. Jesus!
Wayne picks Mike up and carries him to a bench, pours water
on the foot. All the boys race up and surround him genuinely
concerned.
CUT TO:

INT. CAMP HOSPITAL O.R - MORNING

Mike is on top of a gurney. The doctor is at the other end
digging into Mike's foot.
DOCTOR
Well, scout. Looks like we have a
couple of battleships here.
MIKE
Yeah, like the ones at Pearl
Harbor!
DOCTOR
Hold it! I see something. Yep!
Gotcha!
MIKE
What is it?

DOCTOR (being goofy)

It's a BOY! HA! No, it' a fish
bone. BIG sucker! Bass probably!
CUT TO:

EXT. 812 CAMP SIGHT - THAT AFTERNOON

Angle on Mike hobbling up. Mole sees him as do the others.
MOLE
Hey! It’s Rye bread!
MIKE
They sent me back to the front
lines. It was a fish bone. Can you
believe it?
RUSSELL
Nice one, Randolph Scott! What kind
of stitches did they use?
 90.

MIKE
Big stitches with a big needle.
Mr. B Approaches.
MR. B
Glad to see you among the living
Michael. OK. I want to see all the
JL's. Mike, we need to talk later.
CUT TO:

EXT. WOOD'S NEAR CAMPSITE - AFTERNOON.

MR. B
There is something called the Order
of the Arrow or OA for short. It
involves a series of trials. You
will be doing one tomorrow. I
suggest you listen up because when
this is over, I guarantee you will
never, ever, take something like
food for granted again.
Angle on Richard with one group of boys pulling up eatable
plants.
MIKE (V.O.)
Long before the TV show, 812 had
its own version of Survivor.

MR. B
This is cattail bulbs. All you do
is pull it up, cut the bulb, shave
it with your knife and cook it
above a fire. It almost tastes like
a baked potato.

MOLE
Less the bacon bits, butter and
sour cream obviously.
MIKE TO FABIO
I wonder what Ewell Gibbons has in
store for us?
CUT TO:

EXT. CLEARING - AFTERNOON

Mr. B and Michael, who is walking with a slight limp, talk.

 91.

MR B
How's that foot holding up Mike?
MIKE
It's OK, Mr. B.
MR B
Mike, the hospital told me to tell
you that you are banned from
swimming.
MIKE
I was expecting that. Well, the
Life Saving Badge will have to
wait.
MR. B
Maybe next summer?
MIKE
Yeah! Next summer.
MR. B
Mike, I'm taking the JLs out on an
overnight. This might be another
fifty miler. The stitches on your
foot are rather fresh.
MIKE
No way, sir! I'm going!

MR. B
Mike, there will be no turning back
once we head out.
MIKE
I know, and I don't plan to turn
back. My foot doesn't hurt and the
stitches will hold.
MR. B
OK! I knew there was some gumption
down there somewhere.
The Scoutmaster pats Mike on the shoulder as Mike stares at
him in amazement.
MIKE (V.O.)
Many were the times when my parents
jumped my case for not standing up
for myself. But, it took my
scoutmaster's words to really drive
that point home.
CUT TO:
 92.

EXT. CAMPSITE- MORNING

Paul and Russell admire the stitches on Mike's foot. Paul
gets ready to wrap up the wound with gauze.
RUSSELL
Nice butterfly stitch. This guy
does good work.
MR B
Paul, make sure you have plenty of
gauze. I want that wound dressed
every six hours.
PAUL
You got it Bwana!
CUT TO:

EXT. CAMP - MORNING

812 gathers to see the JL's off. Angle on two boys passing a
dollar.
MIKE TO KENNY
Hey, check it out. They're taking
book on us not returning.
ONE SCOUT TO ANOTHER
A dollar says they wander aimlessly
until the search teams find their
bones in a couple of years.
OTHER SCOUT
You're on!
PORKER TO MIKE
Hey Ryebread? If you guys get
swallowed up in the swamp or eaten
by bears, can I have your hot pack
meals?
MIKE (joking)
Touch one morsel and you're pork
chops - Porky!
MR B TO RICHARD
Hold down the fort Dick. See you
tomorrow afternoon - I hope.
RICHARD
You know me, Paul.
(MORE)
 93.
MR B (CONT'D)
I do! Don't overdo it with
Jeopardy! I don't need them
freaking out and getting sent to
Attica.
Richard suddenly turns serious.
RICHARD
Do you have your medication?
MR. B (solemn)
Yes, I do.
Angle on Mike and Fabio as they go up to Mr. B
FABIO
Jeff and Dick want to go with us.
They're older and are a little self
conscience about hanging around
with the younger kids. Either that
or they anticipate Mr. Shotke
driving them back to life of crime.
Mr. B gazes at the two staring at him in the distance.

CUT TO:

EXT. BENCH NEAR MR B'S TENT - MORNING

Mr. B sits down with the Jeff and Dick.

MR B
I think it's commendable you want
to join us. It says a lot about
you. But we need to be either First
Class or better in rank to go.
That's the rules.
JEFF
That's cool. It's just, these kids
are kinda little.
MR B
I know. That's why I want you to
stay behind and assist Mr. Shotke.
Being older means they will look up
to you. I trust you will be the
example they need. Also, we plan to
use this week to get you the skills
you need for higher rank. That way
you'll be able to join us the next
time. Are we OK with this?
 94.

BOTH BOYS
Yes Sir!
FADE OUT

EXT. CAMPGROUND - MORNING

Mr. B assembles the JL's.
MR. B
OK Junio9r leaders, time to move
out.
MIKE TO JEFF (joking)
You're the "Gate-keeper" of my radio
amigo. WLS Chicago comes up around 8 PM.
JEFF
Will gather up the bed-wetters.
Good luck and watch yourself!
MIKE
You too man!
The boys stop at a wooden tower they constructed with
lashings. Angle on Polish on the top platform.
POLISH
Hey Rye bread, guess the flick!

Polish grabs the rail at the top of the tower and shouts the
following:
POLISH
I’m on top of the world ma!
MIKE
Oh, I know this one! Uh! Jimmy
Cagney, White Heat! Right?
MR B
OK Cecel B. DeMille! Climb down and
let's go.
Angle on 812 marching off as Kenny turns to Joel and does his
Yogi Bear impression:
KENNY
Nuts and berries instead of a PIC-A-
NIC basket! YUCH!
 95.

MR B TO MIKE
The point of no return is just
beyond that hill.
MIKE
I know! Race you there?
Mike picks up the pace. Mr. B stops and stares at him.
MR B
That's what I wanted to hear,
Michael.
CUT TO:

EXT. ROAD SURROUNDED BY FOREST - DAY

The boys hike as Mr. B gazes at a map. He halts the troop.
MR. B
Break time! Take ten.
The boys go for their canteens.
FABIO TO JLs
Three gulps every hour till we get
to the river.
RUSSELL
River? We're going to drink river
water? Do the words typhoid and
dysentery mean anything to you?
MOLE TO PAUL
Yeah, and I hope we've got some
cement pills doc for the runs we're
going to get after eating that
thumper chow we’re going to have.
PAUL
Relax! I have purification
tablets.
MOLE
Yeah but - river water? You know
what WC Fields said about why he
doesn’t drink water don’t you?
Mole imitates WC Fields.
 96.

MOLE
I don't drink water my little Chick-
a-Dee because fish fornicate in it.
MIKE
Hey, keep it down! Mr. B might hear
you.
MOLE
Hey! Hey, it was the OK F word.
It's in the Bible.
CUT TO:

EXT. SAME ROAD - AFTERNOON

The boys exit the road and head in to the forest.
INSERT- Small café in the distance. Mike and Mole see the
place before exiting the road.
MOLE TO MIKE
Hey, Rye bread! You have a map,
right? Uh, can you take an azimuth
of this place?
MIKE
No way! Come on - it's just an
overnight. You won't starve!

CUT TO:

EXT. WOODS - AFTERNOON

The boys cut through the forest.

DANNY TO JOEL
I wonder where we are?
JOEL
You got me hanging!
MIKE TO JOEL
All I know is, we're out in the
middle of nowhere, man.
MOLE
Yeah, we're real nowhere men.

Mole starts singing an ad hoc parody of the Beatles song

Nowhere Man.
 97.

MOLE
We are real, no-where men.
One a road which has no end. We
will surely get the bends in due
time.
KENNY
No food, no baths boy are we blue!
Smell so bad just like a zoo. For
fifty bucks you too could be a fool
like me.
Other boys provide the electric guitar refrain mimicking rock
singers as they hike.
JOEL
Miss my room and Barbara Ann. I'd
sure settle for a can of Spam.
Although I'm Jewish I could scarf
a ham - WHAM BOOM BAM!
MR B TO JOEL
Joel, take an azimuth. Looking for
thirty-six degrees north-northeast.
Joel places the compass on the map. He locates a thicket of
trees in the distance.
JOEL
Aim for that thicket. That's your
reading.
MR B
OK Scouts! Our "room and board"
awaits us about a half-mile that
way.
MOLE
Room, huh! Like to see what kind
of honor bar it has.
CUT TO:

EXT. CLEARING NEAR RIVER - AFTERNOON

Angle on boys gazing at the clearing in shock. Mole does an
Elvis impersonation.
MOLE
It's down at the end of lonely
street, called Heartbreak Hotel!
 98.

MR B
Perfect! Mike, Joel. Start pulling
up cattail bulbs. Michael! Join
them after Paul changes your
dressing. Kenny, Michael, gather
frogs and sever their legs and
place them on a stick.
CUT TO:

EXT. SHORE OF RIVER - AFTERNOON

Mike splashes cattail bulbs in the river. Suddenly, he spots
a large wren in the distance. He smiles longingly at the
beautiful animal. He then returns to cleaning the bulbs. Mole
sees the splashes and races towards Mike.
MOLE
I got one! I got one!
MIKE
What? Got what?
Mole picks up a stick with dental floss tied to it. He pulls
it in.
INSERT-Hook with worm.
MIKE
What's that? Dental floss?
MOLE
Yeah, it's dental floss. What of
it! But, I could have sworn
I saw something splashing.
MIKE (suppressing the laughter)
Splashing? You mean like this?
Mike takes a batch of cattail bulbs and splashes them in the
water to clear the mud.
MOLE
Oh you maggot! It was you! You're
not going to tell Mr. B are you?
MIKE
Don't worry. Your secret's safe
with me. But if you snag "Charlie
Tuna" - ask him if he has a sister
for me.
CUT TO:
 99.

EXT. CLEARING IN WOODS - AFTERNOON

Tight on frog being held against a tree. Polish (with a bogus
French accent) holds him. He places the knife under its neck
and kills it.
POLISH
Death to the Enemies of the
Republic, you aristocratic
Dog! Viva le Revolution!
CUT TO:

EXT. WOODS - EARLY EVENING.

The boys settle down near a campfire for their meager dinner.
They are quiet but they resign themselves to their plight.
MIKE
So, what is the slop de jure this
evening? Any specials?
Frog legs and cattail are passed around.
MR B
To eat cattail, break open the bulb
like an egg and eat the fiber
inside - like this.

JOEL
Wild wintergreen anyone? I picked
it myself.
MIKE
Excellent frog Polish! I must have
your recipe.

POLISH
Thanks! They tried to get away but
my Jacobean comrades caught them
outside Versailles.
MR B
Coffee anyone? Made it with wild
Chicory.
POLISH
Nah! Coffee makes me irritable!
FREEZE FRAME- Mr. B and the others gaze at each other
incredulously.
 100.

MOLE
What? No dessert to go with the
cup of Joe!
JOEL
You just ate it. The wintergreen,
remember?
MOLE (faking a loud belch)
Well, I'm stuffed. How about you?
POLISH (acting effete)
A superb meal. I give this place
four stars. It's nice to dine at an
establishment with a rustic
ambiance and not walk away feeling
bloated.
Angle on Mike giving Polish a wedgy as the others laugh.
CUT TO:

EXT. WOODS - NIGHT

Mike awakens to hear Mr. B shout himself from his sleep in
f.g. He sees him taking a pill.
MIKE (V.O.)
When I first met my scoutmaster I
knew something was eating him,
something that cut deep, something
he shielded from us. I wanted to
know and I didn't want to know.
FADE OUT

EXT. CAMPSITE - MORNING

Mike and Kenny stretch, scratch and go to relieve themselves.
MIKE
Man I slept like a baby last night.
KENNY
Yeah, so did I. Weird huh?
MIKE
Yeah, about as weird as getting up
and taking a whiz on an anthill out
in the middle of nowhere.
 101.

KENNY
Nothing like some HOT WHIZ crashing
through the front door to get your
day going, huh?

Angle on Mole who wakes up and shakes the bugs out if his
hair.
MOLE
Damn bugs get outta my HAIR.

CUT TO:
Angle on Mike, Joel and Kenny at the riverbank. Suddenly Joel
looks up.
JOEL
Quiet! I hear something.
The rest of the JLs assemble near the river. Angle on teenage
girls in canoes. Joel is in a trance.
JOEL
Women!
MIKE (V.O.)
In addition to having no teenage
type food in our stomachs for close
to two weeks, this was our first
glance at girls - any girls - in
what seemed like an eternity.
Favoring of Joel combing his hair and whistling A Time for Us
from Romeo and Juliett. Fabio and Danny, the Spanish boys,
get macho by unbuttoning their shirts slightly.
MIKE (V.O.)
A few of us took a shot at being
"macho" by showing these fair
maidens what little chest hair we
had.
Angle on last canoes as a cute girl waves.
MOLE
Wo! She looks like Emma Peel, less
the leather.
Mr. B approaches.
MR B
Hey guys! What are you staring at,
a hawk or eagle or some.
 102.

Angle on Mr. B seeing the girls. He stops and scratches the

back of his head.
MR. B
Oh, Lord!
DISSOLVE TO:
SERIES OF SHOTS-MONTAGE
A) (STOCK) Footage of the Greenbay Packers victory over
Oakland in 1968.
MIKE (V.O.)
None of us would ever forget 1968.
The Packers were victorious over
Oakland.
B) (STOCK) Footage of the Tet-offensive in Saigon, South
Vietnam.
MIKE (V.O.)
So were the enemies of freedom in
Vietnam during Tet.
C) (STOCK) Footage of hippies in San Francisco and Chicago.
MIKE (V.O.)
Counter-cultures were springing up
across the country.

D) (STOCK) Footage of Dr. King's and Robert Kennedy's

assassination.
MIKE (V.O.)
Violent death snuffed out the life
of an American King and Camelot's
last prince.
FADE TO:
INT. SCOUT ROOM - DAY
The troops sits waiting for something.
MIKE (V.O.)
Fabio was back in his native
Columbia that June of 68’. I became
the acting SPL. Mr. B came up with
an idea that was very Cold War and
James Bond all rolled in to one.
With the help of drama students we
convinced 812 that what they were
about to hear was the real thing.
 103.

MIKE (V.O)
With us was an exchange scout from
England named John.
Angle on two men in dark suits bursting in.
FIRST MAN
Taggert! Get some of these scouts
to help you out with the sheets!
Make sure these windows are
secured. Also, I want an all clear
from agent Cummings across the
street.
The boys look around confused. Some scouts help cover the
windows. The man listens on an earphone inserted in his ear.
TAGGART
Agent Cummings, are you secure
below?
Taggert flips the agent at the podium a thumbs up. The
speaker has an English accent.
AGENT AT PODIUM
812! My name is Ian Shannon. I am
with the Federal Bureau of
Investigation and on temporary
assignment from Scotland Yard. I've
been transferred from Her Majesty's
Secret Service and am on loan so to
speak.
JOHN (jumping up)
You're a sight for sore eyes Sir.
SHANNON
You hail from Her Majesty's kingdom
Laddie?
JOHN
I do, Sir! From Manchester.
SHANNON
Well, sit yourself down, Laddie.
We'll need you to impress these
Yanks with what they're up against
with the bloody Ivans.
MOLE
The Ivans?
 104.

JOHN
The Russians, who we were fighting
in the Crimea when you Yanks were
chasing Indians with popguns.
POLISH
I heard you lost that one and the
other when up against Johnny Turk
at Gallipoli.
John gives Polish a dirty look. Shannon holds up a photo of a
satellite with Russian lettering.
SHANNON
Gentlemen! The DIA, Defense
Intelligence Agency, has been
tracking a Soviet Sputnik we
believe is designed to seek out and
destroy western satellites. The
communists have denied their
existence, obviously. But, the ord
is in trouble. We need somebody to
secure it after it parachutes down
near Valpariso, Indiana.
GEORGE
Communista bastardos!
Angle on one boy who gazes at Mike sitting on the side.

YOUNG SCOUT
Is this true Mike?
MIKE (with a poker face)
Yes it is Marty. Yes it is.
Jeff and Gary gaze at each other. They look at Mike. Mike
nods in agreement. They appear convinced.
MOLE
Sir, why are you talking to us and
not, say, the military?
SHANNON
Simple! Publicity! We don't want
any. The bird will be too close to
a major population center. If
troops roll in, the media and
"inquiring minds wanting to know"
will be all over the place. But a
Boy Scout Troop is a perfect decoy.
 105.

SHANNON (CONT’D)
We also don't want to pique the
curiosity of others, especially the
KGB. The will want it back.

GEORGE
KGB? The Soviet KGB?
SHANNON
Yes, I'm sure their agents will be
there. And so will you.
Gentleman, that's the mission. As
your scoutmaster told you you're
under no obligation to accept this
assignment. In fact, if you
decline, then I have an 8 PM
appointment to talk to a Girl Scout
Troop nearby to see -
Angle on Jeff and Gary glancing at one another.
MOLE (jumping up, defiant)
Hey! No way man! Last summer a lot
of us spent a night munching on
catnip and getting the squirts in
the middle of nowhere. Compared to
that retrieving a Commie sputnik is
a piece of cake.

JOEL (equally defiant)

Count me in! Don't let my good
looks fool you. I'm no woosie!
DANNY
You tell Mr. Hoover I'm willing to
be grounded for a year if that's
what it takes.
JEFF (screaming out).
America number one!
JOHN
God Save The Queen!
All eyes are on John who quietly sits down.
JOHN
Sorry about that. It’s a British
thing.
 106.

SHANNON
The JL's have the assignment
sheets. D-Day is Saturday. On
behalf of the bureau, Mr. Hoover,
the Director of Central
Intelligence and President Johnson
I thank you for your courage and
patriotism. God be with you on your
mission, men.
The boys cheer.
MR B TO MIKE (under his breath)
Still home of the brave Michael.
Still home of the brave.
CUT TO:

EXT. COUNTRY ROAD NEAR FARM- MORNING

George and his Flaming Arrow patrol are being briefed by Mike
as Jeff and Dick look on.

MIKE
Now if there's an emergency call
the number in this envelope from a
house or business. Ask for Condor.
Make sure you know where you're at
if you have to call.
CUT TO:

EXT. COUNTRY ROAD NEAR ANOTHER FARM - MORNING

Mike finishes briefing Mole and his Raven Patrol.
POLISH
And they say civil service is great
if you can get it.
MIKE
See you at lunch Polish.
CUT TO:

INT. MR. B'S CAR - DAY

Mike looks off. He seems slightly nervous. He goes to Mr. B's

car.
 107.

MIKE
Well, that's the last of them.
MR B
You OK? You seem little nervous.
MIKE (CONT’D)
Yeah, well. You know!
MR. B
I know. You’re about them. Been
there, done that.
Angle on Mr. B staring forward. Mike gazes at him and says
nothing.
MIKE (V.O.)
Yes I was worried about them
although I wouldn't admit it. These
guys had become more than just
friends - they became my brothers.
Angle on Mr. B's car as it drives away.
MIKE (V.O.)
I asked God to watch over them.
CUT TO:

EXT. SUBURBAN STREET- LATE MORNING

The car bearing Mike, Joel, Paul and Mr. B drives slowly in
Mr. B's hometown. The radio is on with the tune Penny Lane
heard as the boys experience a Norman Rockwell America.
MIKE (V.O.)
I felt like Michael Renee and Gort,
the guardian robot from the film
The Day The Earth Stood Still.
PAUL
OK, so where does Wally and the
Beaver live?
CUT TO:

INT. HOME - DAY

Two middle aged women and one elderly man emerge from the
house. Mr. B races over to greet them. One woman Mr. B's age
throws her arms around him. It’s his sister BETH.
 108.

BETH
Well, well. If it isn't my long,
lost brother.
Mike, Joel and Paul stand outside smiling at the spectacle of
family. Suddenly, an older man steps out. He hugs Mr. B.
It’s his dad PAUL.
MR B
Hi Dad. How's it going?
PAUL
Oh, fair to midland.
MR B'S SISTER
So, which one of these handsome men
is Eisenhower?
MIKE
That's me.
MR B'S SISTER
Well general, your HQ awaits you.
But be careful. Lately, this place
has been crawling with democrats.
CUT TO:

EXT. BACKYARD - DAY

Angle on father using an arch weld on an old propane tank

with a device on top that has a buzzer.
FATHER
Am almost done Ike! Then it's
yours. You going to put some Russki
lettering on it?
MIKE
Yeah, I jotted down some stuff and
checked it out in a Cyrillic
dictionary.

Tight on hoc space capsule made from a discarded propane

tank. A metal cylinder with a buzzer is on top.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET - MORNING
Mr. B waves as Mike and Paul load the hot dags and hamburgers
in the back of Daddy B’s truck. They get in Mr. B's car.
 109.

Two police cars pull up as Mr. B goes up to a man and

embraces him. It’s his brother-in-law Hank.

MR B
Well, look who happens to be the
chief-of-police. You'll need the
experience to deal with my sister.
CUT TO:

EXT. INTERSECTION OF TWO ROADS - AFTERNOON

The two cars pull up to where 812 sits munching on the lunch
Daddy B brought them. Hank holds an envelope.
HANK
OK 812 listen up. I'm agent Gary
Miller with the United States
Central Intelligence Agency.
The boys applaud as a chopper roars above. Mike nudges Mr. B.

MIKE
Your doing?
MR. B
What a coincidence.

GEORGE
Sir, excuse me but, what went wrong
at the Bay of Pigs?
MIKE
Not now George!

HANK
I'm going to pass around a picture.
Take a good look at this man.
Should he approach you get away and
call CONDOR. You have the number.
His name is Alexis Ivankov. The
agency has a file on him a mile
long. He's a top KGB operative. He
is in the area.
Tight on the looks on consternation on the scouts faces. Jeff
and Gary move their fingers before making fists.

CUT TO:
EXT. WOODED AREA NEAR A ROAD - AFTERNOON
 110.

Another food run is made as meat loaf and ham is dished out
to the troop. They eat and prepare to bed down for the night
on a hill under a full moon.
CUT TO:
EXT. HILL - NIGHT
The boys are all asleep. Suddenly the stillness of the night
is severed by John as he rises up and starts reciting
something under the full moon.
JOHN
Go away moon or you'll drive me
mad. Moon cast thy maddening glow
from thine eyes wretched moon!
Angle on Polish shooting up from his sleeping bag.

POLISH
Hey Ringo. Shut up and go to sleep
will ya!
MIKE
Let me guess John! Shakespeare?
JOHN
The moon is going to drive me mad,
Michael.

MIKE
What do you mean going. Hit the
sack - Kipling! (pause) And they
wonder why they lost their empire.
DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. ROAD NEAR CAMPSITE- MORNING

Mike and the patrol leaders meet near a road facing a string
of trees and an open field. The boys load up in Daddy B's
truck. Mike accompanies them as Daddy B drops them off in
different locations facing the open field. Each patrol
listens as Mike gives instructions.

SERIES OF SHOTS
A) Mike with Mole and his patrol.
MIKE TO MOLE
 111.

Here's a map and coordinates. Leave

at 10 AM sharp.
B) Mike with George and his Patrol

MIKE TO GEORGE
OK - George! This is it. 10 AM
move out and follow these
coordinates. It's OK amigo. We got
these bastardos beat! See you at
the capsule.
George embraces Mike. He is scared.
CUT TO:

EXT. OPEN FIELD NEAR LARGE CRATER - MORNING.

Angle on Mr. B, Shotke and other scout fathers with cameras.
Some of the original actors are there too. Mike moves up to
the crater and lies down behind a mound of dirt. He has
binoculars. Angle on the space capsule in the crater as the
buzzer hums. The man playing the KGB operative is there.
He is a Valparaso cop named ROY. He goes up to Mike.
ROY
So, you’re fearless leader I take
it. Roy Jenkins a.k.a. Alexis
Ivankoff - the bad guy.
MIKE
Nice to meet you. So, what’s the
day job.
ROY
Indiana State Police.
MIKE
Cool! Definitely cool. Thanks for
your service Sir.
Mike lifts his binoculars.

MIKE
It's zero 1025 hours. They should
start popping up any minute now if
my algebra is right.
 112.

ROY
Your scoutmaster wants me to grab
the first scout who spots the
capsule. God help me if it's the
Cuban kid. From what I've heard,
CIA wouldn't need to get the mob to
whack Castro. Just pump him up with
PEZ and drop him into Havana.
MIKE
Thankfully they're not armed.
Mike sees them coming.

MIKE (V.O.)
One by one each patrol emerged from
the woods. It looked like the
forest fire scene from Bambi. I
looked like General Patton at El
Gatar!
CUT TO:

EXT. FIELD - DAY

Close-up of the Flaming Arrow patrol as a Cuban flag dangles
from a stick. With him is John with a Union Jack tied to a
stick. Angle up to John who is singing.

JOHN
Rule Britannia, Britannia rule the
waves. Oh Britons NE-E-E-VER shall
be SLAVES!
ROY TO MIKE
Looks like the little plumper is
going to make it first. It's
showtime! Wish I knew some Russki!

MIKE
Just say UH HO DEE and Amerikanski.
It means beat it American.
CUT TO:
Roy and Mike crawl towards the crater. In the distance the
Ravens hear the buzzer on top of the propane tank acting as
“the target”. Mole stops.
MOLE
 113.

Ravens - forward on my command!

CHARGE!
Mole and the Ravens reach the crater. He sees the capsule.
MOLE
Holy crap! They weren't BS'ing us.
Mole jumps in the crater. So does Roy.
ROY
UH HO DEE! AMER-E-KAN-SKI !
Roy faces off with Mole as the boy makes a fist. He prepares
to battle the Bolshevik single-handed.
MOLE
You're going down BORIS BADTRANOV!
Roy moves towards him as George arrives. He draws his sheath
knife. Roy tries to grab Mole be he punches him in his groin.
TIGHT: Buddy's eyes bulge in pain. Buddy drops to his knees.
GEORGE
Spanish Spoken/trans: You bastards!
You helped Fidel turn my country
into a prison camp!
MIKE
George no! El es Americano!
MIKE (V.O.)
My Don Quixote did a laser lock on
Buddy, the Windmill. The image of
812 being the lead story on the ten
o'clock news prompted an amazing
recall of the high school Spanish I
slept through. Thankfully an
experienced gang-banger was there.
MIKE TO JEFF
Jeff! Stop George! We need the
Russian alive - to interrogate.
Angle on Jeff who nods, races towards George and subdues him
with some quick leg work. Mike runs in and take the knife out
of George’s hands.
GEORGE (livid)
I should have known - Bendaho!
You're one of them. A traitor just
like Arnold Benedict.
 114.

MIKE
It's Benedict Arnold!
GEORGE
Usted Communista! You! You are a
Communist sympathizer!
MIKE (V.O.)
This was a first. I had muddy water
flowing into my crouch as a Cuban
Joe McCarthy called a kid with
pictures of Eisenhower, Reagan, J
Edgar Hoover, Vice President Nixon
and JFK on the wall of his room a
Red.
Mike holds George's head skyward.
MIKE
Look Rickey Ricardo.
Angle up to Mr. B and some of the actors racing up and
snapping away. Some hold beach balls with towels wrapped
around their necks. Shannon snaps a picture.
SHANNON
Smile! You're on candid camera.
Marty, the younger scout, arrives late. He sees Mike and
George lying in the mud as Roy recovers. Mole is restrained
by Dick.
MARTY (looking around - stressed)
CALL CONDOR! CALL CONDOR!
The rest of 812 gazes at him in disbelief. Polish puts his
arm around him.

POLISH TO MARTY
Does the word CHUMP mean anything
to you?
Jeff helps Roy up who is still recovering from the punch in
the groin. The others help Mike and George up out of the
muddy water.
MIKE TO JEFF
I owe you big time.
JEFF TO MIKE
No! I owe you and 812.
DICK TO MIKE
Ditto!
 115.

They both shake Mike’s hand. Mole approaches Roy.

MOLE
I’m sorry Sir.
ROY
It’s OK kid! I wasn’t planning on
having any more children.
Angle on Mr. B who sees two lost boys who won’t become
another grim statistic.
MR B
812! The mission is over! Had
this been the real thing, we would
have won.
JOHN
Hear! Hear! A fine hunt! The fox
didn't have a chance.
POLISH
God, what planet did you hover in
from?
CUT TO:

EXT. BEACH - DAY

812 has chariot races in the waters of lake Michigan as the

tune Summer in the City is heard on a radio.

MIKE (V.O.)
The summer of 1968 was still an
infant that June. Against
the backdrop of violence and
calamity that befell our nation,
812 had its own blowout in the
refreshing waters of Lake
Michigan. It was as if a giant
bubble had been constructed
to seal the mirth and friendships
we knew would never end.
MIKE (V.O.)
Later, many would see it as the
best years of their lives.
MONTAGE
A) (STOCK) Footage of Billy Jean King's third straight title
at Wimbledon.
 116.

MIKE (V.O.)
Summer! 1968. Three was a charm for
Billie Jean at Wimbleton after
winning her 3rd straight title.
B) (STOCK) Footage of American President's Johnson and Thieu
of South Vietnam.
MIKE (V.O.)
In Hawaii, President Johnson
assured President Thieu of South
Vietnam that US combat troops would
assist his country against
communist aggression.
C) (STOCK) Footage of James Earl Ray's arrest.
MIKE (V.O.)
James Earl Ray denied murdering Dr.
Martin Luther King Jr.
D) (STOCK) Footage of anti-Soviet demonstrations in
Czechoslovakia.
MIKE (V.O.)
In Czechoslovakia Socialism with a
Human Face was about to be murdered
by Russian tanks.
DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. SUMMER CAMP - DAY

Two buses bearing all of 812 drive up to an office. Three men
and a woman (the cook) stand and await them.

MIKE (V.O.)
And we were about to be murdered by
the heat and humidity during the
dog days of summer at Camp Loud
Thunder in Moline, Illinois. There
was a reason we got the place for
two weeks at a steal. But, we had
our own staff and cook - just to
ourselves.
CUT TO:

INT. CHOW HALL - MOMENTS LATER

The boys line up. Mole schmoozes Annie in line.
 117.

MOLE
Forgive me for asking, but weren't
you a stand-in for Doris Day in
Pillow Talk?
The elderly woman giggles, looks around, and gives Mole more
food. Porker learns from "the master".
PORKER
Nah, Dorkus! Not Doris Day. It was
Lana Turner. Right?
Annie giggles again and scoops some extra helpings on
Porker's plate. Tight on the Cheshire grins on both of their
faces.
SERIES OF SHOTS
A) Some of the boys are getting instructions on swinging an
axe by Mike.
B) Angle on boys using a compass to take an azimuth in the
field. Kenny helps them.
C) The boys are wind surfing and canoeing. Some tan
themselves like George with a radio on. The tune Summer Place
is heard.
MIKE (V.O.)
Our mornings were structured to
ensure time for both training
and recreation. Most of the JLs
earned either Star or Life ranks.
But after lunch, it was party-time.
CUT TO:

EXT. LAKE - THAT AFTERNOON

Mike is maneuvering his wind-sail craft and singing a beach
boys tune.
MIKE (singing)
Round round get around, I get
around.
Angle on Paul who sees Mike in the distance. He aims his wind-
sail towards him charges emulating a Japanese Kamikaze pilot.

PAUL
Banzai! YANKEE FLY BOY!
 118.

They collide as Mike flies into the lake. The two boys splash
each other.
CUT TO:
EXT. LAKE - EARLY EVENING
Kenny and Mike are in a canoe with a lantern. They are
reading letters from girlfriends back home. Mike has his
radio. The tune Could Be We’re In Love is playing.
MIKE (V.O)
Kenny and received letters from our
high school sweethearts back home -
and on the same day.
MIKE
Hey Kenny. You feel the way I do?
KENNY
How's that?
MIKE
I feel as if I'm out-growing this.
Scouting. You know?
KENNY (in jest)
Are you saying you'd rather be out
here in this boat with "her" rather
than "me"! I'm devastated.

MIKE
Come on! I mean, you can't tell me
you'd rather be here than back home
with Valerie. Besides, SAT’s are
coming up, then college.
KENNY
Yeah! I know. Where did it all go.
MIKE
Yeah, were did time go? Seems like
yesterday we were in kindergarten.
The tune Moon River is heard as two friends whom known each
other since kindergarten gaze up at the stars.
FADE OUT:

EXT. PICNIC TABLE - NIGHT

Mr. B and Mr. Shotke listen to a news event on the radio.
 119.

RADIO V.O.
And this was Leoniod Breshnev's
response to Alexander Dubcheck's
plea for "Socialism with a Human
Face". Joseph Stalin couldn't have
delivered a more forceful NYET! The
Bolsheviks, like Adolph Hitler
before them, have thrust their
dagger into Prague - again.
SHOTKE
Paul, let’s turn in. You don’t need
this. You know that. The next batch
of heros will go in or the
Communists will fall on their on.
Let’s hope for the later.
He shuts off the radio. The camera catches Mike and Kenny
eavesdropping in the dark. Kenny turns to Mike.
KENNY
You speak Russian. You’ll be an
officer.
CUT TO:

INT. MIKE AND KENNY’S TENT - NIGHT

Mike wakes up hearing Mr. B moaning in his tent. They hear
Mr. Shotke racing in and turning on a lantern.
RICHARD
Paul! Oh God! Can you hear me?
It's me Paul! It's Dick! It's over
Paul! You made it! You're home
Paul! Home!

Other boys begin to race up.

JEFF TO MIKE
What happened?
Mike shrugs his shoulder.
MIKE (V.O.)
I lied. I knew what this was. I saw
it with my dad. I heard holocaust
survivors and former red Army
soldiers upstairs in my building
cry out in the night as if their
souls were on fire.
 120.

Mr. Shotke, a licensed psychiatrist, slaps and shakes the man

who seems to stare off - distant and alone in spite of all
100 boys gazing in shock at what he had become. It’s a text-
book PTSD episode. Mr. B regains his focus and swallows. Mike
races back with some Kool Aid from the supply tent.
MR. SHOTKE
Thanks Mike.
Mr. B drinks it down. He then breaths out.
MR. B
Guys, I'm sorry you had to see
this. But this thing goes back a
long way. Some of you younger
fellas weren’t even born yet.
Slow pan on boys riveted to their scoutmaster.
MR. B
It was autumn, 1951. Myself and a
lot of other guys were called up.
It was a place called Korea. You
may have heard about it.
MR. SHOTKE (petulant)
Look up the word Police Action if
you want to learn more.
MR B
Yeah right! Police action. It was a
war! A very brutal, miserable war.
When my unit, the 2nd Division,
arrived we were sent to end the
stalemate at a place called
Heartbreak Ridge. The Communists
were dug in on an adjacent hill.
We secured a nearby ridge.
FLASHBACK -KOREA - 1951
A Captain addresses a young Lieutenant Bartholomew as it gets
dark.
CAPTAIN
Lieutenant Bartholomew - make sure
the men are well dug in.
The men take their positions as bugle charges are heard over
loudspeakers. Communist troops charge.

MR. B (V.O.)
They came straight at us.
(MORE)
 121.
MR. SHOTKE (CONT'D)
We braced ourselves for a fight
since we were out-numbered. Once
they were within 100 feet, we
opened up on them with everything
we had.
GI's in prone position open up.
MR. B (V.O.)
The initial assault was repelled.
It was the first time any of us
every killed anybody. The North
Koreans had had enough. Now it was
somebody else's turn - the Chinese.
Angle on sky flares and massive numbers of Chinese troops
racing up the ridge.
MR. B (V.O.)
We kept firing as they dropped like
flies. They kept coming as those
stinking bullhorns blasted away. To
my flank three breached the line.
Myself and Private Moses Washington
took them out with our carbines.
WASHINGTON
You want my beautiful black ass?
Come and get it!

Sounds of cannonade in f.g.

CAPTAIN
INCOMING! Take cover.
MR. B (V.O.)
The explosions were so fierce you
felt your bowels shake.
Explosions litter the area. It stops. Mr. B gets up and fires
to his right where the Chinese try to breach the barrier.
They fall dead. He looks around and realizes he and Moses are
alone.
MR. B
God damn it stop!
Moses fires forward and kills five Chinese soldiers. One
falls in their fox hole.
SHOCK CUT: Tight on dead soldier, a kid no older than
fourteen.
 122.

MR. B. (V.O.)
That’s when I saw it. They were
kids. Those stinking Red bastards
sent kids up to be slaughtered.
Mr. B turns to Washington.
MR. B (reloads)
It’s just you and me Washington.
WASHINGTON (reloads)
Looks like it Sir. I’ve got nothing
planned this evening. Mind if I
join you?
MR. B
Anytime! And call me Paul.
The two men grab each others hand and squeeze it.
WASHINGTON
Paul, I think we should talk to
somebody - while we still have the
chance. (pause) The Lord is my
Shepard, I shall not want.
CUT TO:

EXT. HILL SLOPE - NIGHT

Cannons heard in f.g. The Chinese charge up.

BOTH MEN
Yea though I walk through the
valley of the shadow of death -
A shell bursts. The screen goes blank.
DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. BATTLEFIELD - MORNING

White smoke dissipates. A medic is sticking a set of dog tags
down the throat of Mr. B. Angle on Cpl. Washington being
zipped up in a body bag. Choppers are heard hovering nearby.
British military are on the hill. Mr. B gags.

BRITISH MEDIC
Stretcher! Now! We have a live
officer.
 123.

END OF FLASHBACK

EXT. CAMP - NIGHT

Mr. B looks up and sees all the boys gazing at him.
MR. B
That war took away so much. But we
did what we had to do. We did hold
the hill until reinforcements
arrived. My company held until the
end: each soldier, alone with
himself and his God. As they
choppered me out I saw something
from the sky. Know what it was?
FLASHBACK
Mr. B. On the rafter of a chopper. He holds his hand out to
all the dead. Suddenly an American flag goes u.
END OF FLASHBACK
MIKE
Our flag! You saw them raise out
flag didn’t you Mr. B?
Tight on Mr. B who nods his head.

MIKE (V.O.)
Now I knew what motivated this
decent man to give back, through
us, what we had no choice but to
take away over there - at a place
called Korea.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. CAMPGROUND - DAY
Mike and 812 sit inside the bus as they prepare to go home.
The bus pulls out. The boys look around anxious.
MIKE
Driver! Stop!
Mike and the rest race out. They line up. Fabio takes
command.
FABIO
812, attention. Present arms.
MIKE (V.O.)
 124.

Mr. B approached us slowly after we

tore down the camp. But something
was different this time. Sure we
knew how to tie every knot ever
invented, but we were about to
leave with something far more
important. We learned the true
meaning of friendship along with a
self-confidence that would remain
with us forever.
Angle on Mr. B approaching the bus.
MIKE (V.O.)
We also learned that real hero's
are usually quiet: that they
sometimes stumble into their
heroism and were lucky if they were
alive to have the chance to grieve.
All the boys stand straight and salute as Mr. B stops. Fabio
nods at Mike after he glances at him.
MIKE
Welcome home! Lieutenant
Bartholomew! And thank you!
Slow pan on all the boys gazing at their scoutmaster with
respect and devotion - and now - love.

FREEZE FRAME: Mr. B surveys the boys and fights to hold the
emotion. He straightens up and returns their salutes.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. BUS ON ROAD - TRAVELLING - DAY
Kenny is asleep on Mike’s shoulder as Mike gazes out the
window.
MIKE (V.O.)
As we drove away I felt a part of
me leave as well. Yet, at seventeen
I knew the day would come when I'd
look back at that joyful past and
thank a very decent, devoted, and
honorable American from Indiana for
his sacrifice both then and so long
ago.
 125.

MIKE (V.O.) (CONT’D)

He, and others, joined that
childhood Hall of Fame whose heroes
are not rich and famous, whose
requisites for stardom are not
agility or cunning on a sports
field, singing stage or boardroom.
He, and so many others, were
admitted by virtue of their
strength of character and
uncompromising dignity. They were
men who were always there for us;
men who never left us; men who
never stopped caring. Real men!
Mike stares out the window while on the highway.
MIKE (V.O.) (CONT’D)
As I settled in for the ride home I
thanked Almighty God that I was
both a citizen of this country and
a member of an organization, a
gift, from the good people of Great
Britain that became a veritable
part of me, the Boy Scouts of
America. At home I had a real man,
my father Jesse James Riles and my
stepbrother, Stanley M. Maynard.
The Boy Scouts gave me another real
man I would always be proud to call
my scoutmaster - Mr. Paul M.
Bartholomew of Valpariso, Indiana.

The bus passes a school. He sees an American flag atop a pole

in the distance. He is fixed on the image as we --
FADE OUT
THE END