From: f d cyberz213@hotmail.

com
To: coyotebob23@protonmail.com;  Date: Apr 5, 2020, 4:48 PM
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some of these are corrections, some suggestions, everything meant to be helpful. feel free to use
what you want or not.

Part 1

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Part 2

She snarled. “This one’s for my family, “

should be
They snarled

i think moving the lines like this makes the snarl and Krack! a little more visceral
They centered the first guard in the crosshairs just as Serra and the guys walked up to him. Snarling,
“This one’s for my family, you fucking sympie pieces of shit!”
Krack!

With Carry’s rooftop scene starting with “Fuck, fuck, fuck” I see what you mean about they pronouns
being complicated. This is a list of suggestions to smooth the scene a little.

Carry screamed into their mike egging their friends on.

to
Carry screamed into the mike egging their friends on.

That’s when they heard the dull hum of the rotor blades behind them.
to
“hum of rotor blades rising above the gas station”
clarifies which they is hearing the drones and that the response is faster than Carry expected rather
than the Dogs as a whole. also seems a little clearer in how far away the drones are. or maybe
“hum of rotor blades in the gas station”
which does all that and seems a little more tense. like ‘does the AI just keep drones in the gas
station? is there a leak?’ seems to fit because they asked about the possibility

They grabbed the shoulder bag in one hand while pulling a sidearm from their belt with the other.
to
Grabbing the shoulder bag in one hand while pulling a sidearm from their belt with the other.

They jumped backward off the roof so they could fire at the drones while falling.
to
They jumped backward off the roof, firing at the drones while falling.

they screamed, “FUUUUCK YOUUUU!” as they emptied the rest of their magazine at the drone.
to
they screamed, “FUUUUCK YOUUUU!”, emptying the rest of the magazine at the drone.

The drone flew past them in a wobbly flight path before crashing somewhere beyond their head. The
muscles in Carry’s neck relaxed and their head fell back on the sand.
to
The drone flew past in a wobbly flight path before crashing somewhere behind them. The muscles
in Carry’s neck relaxed and their head fell back on the sand.

Just before Serra reached the gate two more guards approached the gate from the other side.
a little confusing as to which other side, right vs left or in vs out. i think it'd be clearer with
Just before Serra reached the gate two more guards approached the gate from inside.

She had to get Jack and Harold inside and she didn’t have time to worry about whether she was
noticed by the AI.
has a lot of she in it, maybe
She had to get Jack and Harold inside and didn’t have time to worry about whether she was noticed
by the AI.

They wouldn’t have long before more bots or pigs showed up. 
to help break up the long string of they i'd use Carry here

It was the only a way they were going anywhere.

Should be
It was the only way they were going anywhere.

Maybe something more serious was wrong. Maybe they were in worse shape than they thought.
feels awkward, perhaps just
Maybe something was wrong and they were in worse shape than they thought.

Part 3

“Ahhh, fuck. The Flowers can’t be free like this.”

hard to tell who’s saying those lines at first, maybe
Trips continued, “Ahhh, fuck. The Flowers can’t be free” or
“Ahhh, fuck.” Trips continued, “The Flowers can’t be free”
Part 4

You can’t tell from here but a couple of the other kids have prosthetic legs under their pant legs.”
repetition of legs seems awkward, maybe just end with "... under their pants."

After the Devil’s guards frisked and scanned them, Serra and Trips were lead up a staircase. A dimly
lit corridor, and then another
the transition from “lead up a staircase” to “A dimly lit corridor” is awkward, not sure if the dimly lit
corridor is the staircase itself or after the staircase.

Part 5

excellent job with Carry in the homestead explaining their gender!

Antonio left the room, clearly cowed, Fred eyes followed him out.
should be
“Freds eyes”
and maybe
Antonio left the room, clearly cowed. Freds eyes followed him out then he turned toward Carry.

And I’m gonna asked the Coyote for help.”

should be
And I’m gonna ask the Coyote for help.”

Part 6

I LOVE how Harold points out “Traumatized, not damaged” and the part where Serra is comforting
Karen is fantastic! I cried a lil

As far as I can tell, this whole experience has managed to have the base personality emerge again.
the “has managed to have” seems awkward, maybe
As far as I can tell, this whole experience has caused the base personality to emerge again.

Serra produced a handkerchief from her back pocket and wiped the girl’s mouth.
should be
Serra produced a handkerchief from her back pocket and wiped the girls mouth.
Part 7

I like Serra telling the story to Karen and it’s very well written but I feel that handling it as a long
monologue is awkward, especially with some of the punctuation stacking. I got confused partway
through and thought there was a formatting error somewhere. Maybe instead of it being a
monologue start with Serra telling the story then transition it to more of a flashback and then a
transition back out.

Maybe something like

So in the end, he was exactly what he had claimed, a Coyote Prophet, serving Freedom by spreading
that ideal to all of us. Serra’s voice trailed off as she got lost in that thought for a moment.

“Soon we found Carry and Swift Deer “

Part 8

Great job making Allison a solid villain. The setup meshes really well with his reactions while talking
to the AI. Really makes him a hateable asshole but shows he’s not really in control. I also really like
the way you handle the build-break-build breakdown as you go through and his knowledge of the
manipulation.

“Andrew’ll be just fine, you honor,” the man replied with a light Cockney accent.
i’m not sure if that’s supposed to be “your honor” or if it’s a way of conveying the cockney accent in
which case maybe use “ye’ honor”

Part 9

Love how you handle this whole part!

Carry closed their eyes and leaned against the pickup truck, letting the sun’s rays lap over them,
waves of heat crashing one after another, warming their body after the previous night’s chill.
seems really long and lots of commas, maybe
Carry closed their eyes and leaned against the pickup truck, letting the sun’s rays lap over them.
Waves of heat crashing one after another, warming their body after the previous night’s chill.

Fred and Antonio ate their beans in silence, while Carry looked on feeling a little left out. They
considered whether they had made a bad decision for the first time. Having sated himself he took a
small pot off the fire and beckoned Carry to come closer to him.
going from Fred and Antonio to Carry to Fred like that seems a little too abrupt, I’d replace “he took”
with “Fred took” to clarify.
It tasted like soapy water, foul and and chalky, though the texture was pulpy and viscous.
not sure if you want the “and and” in there, it works but if you do I’d add a comma or ellipsis
between them so it’s obviously intentional and not read as a typo

Part 10

Awesome job with the flashbacks, i can't think of any better way to handle that bit of story. My only
suggestion would be one more flashback that doesn't center as much around their anger. maybe
some flashes of young Carry feeling out of place when forced to dress and act as a girl for court or
something. It helps avoids the trope of them choosing to be nonbinary to rebel because they hated
being told girls are weak and shows that they just never felt like a girl to start.

Part 11

Harold chuckled again and Jack’s face returned to a state of niave confusion.
Should be
Harold chuckled again and Jack’s face returned to a state of naive confusion.

Part 12

A sharp staccato broke out as one of the bots laid suppressing fire into the desk while the other
continued to break out the glass of the doorway to male a large enough hole for an entrance.
Should be
A sharp staccato broke out as one of the bots laid suppressing fire into the desk while the other
continued to break out the glass of the doorway to make a large enough hole for an entrance.

Part 13

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