Contents:

I. the articles
II. ask question
III.

The INTP Experience

http://www.intpexperience.com/Dating.php

i.

(WHAT'S NEW: 2/22/15--I'm back! Check out new Chapter 8 and find out
about the paths I've been walking this past year. I'm stopping to take a
breath and offer a bit of what I've learned. I hope you've been well!)
DECONSTRUCT ~ LEARN ~ CELEBRATE
INTP (Introverted i N tuiting T hinking Perceiving) is one of the sixteen
personality types under Myers-Briggs typology. INTPs are the Architects, the
discoverers, and the system-builders. If you are an INTP and sometimes feel
isolated or struggle to understand your place in the world, you've come to
the right place!
Although INTPs enjoy wonderful gifts that allow them to observe, quantify,
and understand the world, these skills often don't equate with closeness and
companionship. I've set out to determine, once and for all, why?
This site is different than general Myers-Briggs sites. It is written by INTPs,
for INTPs. Here, we turn our powers of observation to the dark places.
Here, we hunt down and answer the whys.
The INTP Experience Articles:
INTRODUCTION - WHERE DID THIS ALL COME FROM?
CHAPTER 1 - WHY DO I FEEL DISCONNECTED?
CHAPTER 2 - OVERLOAD
CHAPTER 3 - TONIGHT'S MAIN EVENT: ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS
VERSUS THE EVIL TWINS OF THE INTP PSYCHE
CHAPTER 4 - BUSTING THE MYTH THAT INTPs ARE NOT EMOTIONAL
CHAPTER 5 - YOUNG ADULTHOOD AND THE FIX-IT STAGE
CHAPTER 6 - HOW TO DATE (AND INTERPRET) AN INTP
CHAPTER 7 - INTP SURVIVAL TOOLKIT
CHAPTER 8 - SURVIVING THE LONG AND GRINDING ROAD

Introduction: Where Did This All Come From?

(WHAT'S NEW! 2/22/15--The new CHAPTER 8 is posted! SURVIVING
THE LONG AND GRINDING ROAD)
I often get asked how I came by the INTP observations that I have shared
here. Were they a lifelong effort? A professional interest? Or just something
I sat down and wrote recently? The short answer is that they are the result
of a long, personal journey.
First, let me say that I do not have formal psychology training. I have a
graduate degree in law and an undergraduate BA with a Latin major and an
English minor. In additional to my career as a lawyer and health care
executive, I have many wide-ranging interests (or "hobbies") as other INTPs
do, and one of those interests is psychology. I've studied various topics over
the years, including Myers-Briggs. But even there, I'm left wanting
more. Myers-Briggs is a very good way to describe and categorize
differences among people in how they function and orient themselves to the
world. However, it's a bit philosophical and based heavily on phrases,
which are inherently imprecise. Words like "introverted thinking" and
"extroverted feeling" are not terribly descriptive, and people waste far too
much time debating their meanings without delving to the mechanics of our
brains and bodies beneath them. Let's face it. We are life forms motorized
by a complex neurological system. What is happening at that neurological
level when we think in one way versus another? When we feel and react to
emotions? That's the level that I'm interested in penetrating to. What is
going on within us at the most basic, fundamental level? Of course, that's
what INTPs do. Tunnel back to the origin of things, then trace out the ever-
branching ways they fit into, and affect, the workings of the world.
So, let me tell you a little about me. I was born an only child, and I liked it,
but it was often lonely. I quickly learned that if I was going to hang out with
someone other than myself, I needed to attract them to me and keep them
interested. I had no built-in, mandatory playmates in my house, so I had to
earn them. (Well, except our dog that would bite me if I bugged it too
much). I became hyper-attuned to how my actions affected others. Certain
things made people like me, and certain things pushed them away or made
me look like a freak. I learned to moderate and shape my outward behavior
to draw in the people I wanted to spend time with. And I was consciously
aware of what I was doing.
Later, as I gained experience and observations, I realized that I wasn't like
the people around me. I had a strong desire to gain knowledge and
understanding. About everything. I was quick witted and very adept at
language and pointing out things that others didn't see. No one shared my
wide interests, so I really didn't have others to talk to about them. Even my
parents thought me odd, and yet, I found myself often put in the position of
leader or mentor, even though I never actively sought those roles. That also
applied to my parents, which is a strange position to be in at a young age.
(Come to think of it, my father equally resented it.)
In college and afterward, I became more aware and upset by my lack of
deep connections with others. I had this sense that "my people" were out
there somewhere, if only I could find them. I wasn't very good at
maintaining long term friends. I did, however, meet and fall in love with an
idealist (INFJ), and after we were married, a sizable percentage of my goals
were turned to succeeding in life with her (i.e., career, house, children,
etc.) But as the speed and load of that building-a-life stage slowed, I began
to linger again on my skewed relationships with others, and ultimately,
disappointments and frustrations. The more people I met that I did not jive
with, the more confounded I became. I was very good at molding myself to
them, but they were abysmal at the reverse, if they tried at all. On the
positive side, I psychoanalyzed everyone I could get my hands on. And I
don't mean from a distance. I was pretty bold about delving into issues
with them and asking probing questions. People often commented that
talking to me was like therapy. I appreciated the insights I gained, but I was
also happy to help see new angles if I could.
All of this time, I was also analyzing myself relentlessly. I thought I was
figuring it out well, but somewhere in my thirties, I realized something was
off. The equations ultimately weren't balancing. There was an angle I was
missing. But what? I started to think that maybe I was flawed or broken,
and no one seemed to be similar enough to me to help sort out what was
going on. That's when I realized I had to turn all of my efforts into a major
change of perspective. I needed to pry my logical brain away from INTP
constructs and biases. I worked on objectifying myself. Seeing a larger
view. I had to break out of the old, comfortable constructs that I was
wrapped in and blinded by.
After a couple of breakthroughs, the number one INTP blind spot that I
found was the role of emotion in my life, and how I was handling it in a
warped way. That's why my articles read quite differently than the usual
Spock-from-Vulcan-lack-of-emotion INTP explanations. And also why real
life INTPs say my explanations capture the truth, while the general articles
don't. I saw how my way of grabbing onto emotions and anxiety and
deconstructing them to find (illusory) universal truth was causing me to
make some grave mistakes. But you see the problem, right? When our INTP
nature itself digs the hole we fall into, INTP tools only dig us deeper. They
are not calibrated to lift us out. Under the influence of these blind spots, you
can spend years upon years wandering that dark forest of grinding
confusion. If you're reading this site, you've probably spent time there
yourself. And you know it's insidious and demoralizing.
So these observations have been a lifelong process for me. Writing them
down helped to crystallize them and fill them out. By publishing these
articles, I was able to confirm that other INTPs feel the same way. Now, I
offer them here as help in stamping out the INTP blind spots. If my
mistakes can alleviate some of your struggles in being INTP, then maybe my
darker times can lead to something good.
Jason Evans
February 24, 2013

Chapter 1: Why Do I Feel Disconnected?

(WHAT'S NEWER! Donations for my daughter's project are beginning to come in. Talk
to her here: The Refuge. If you can help, please do!)
(Note: 2/22/15--The new CHAPTER 8 is posted! SURVIVING THE LONG AND
GRINDING ROAD)
Welcome to the first of what will hopefully become a series of articles wrestling
with the
nature of INTP-dom. (I could say INTP-ness, but that sounds somehow naughty.)
When I read conversations posted among INTPs, I notice a curious and common
undercurrent. Sometimes it's the outright subject of the conversation, and
sometimes it
hovers just beneath. It's an undercurrent of feeling disconnected, different, and
isolated
from others.
I've also noticed that analyzing and understanding the source of this particular
problem seems to be elusive for INTPs. Although we define ourselves by our ability
to
apply logic and structure to understand and navigate the world, this problem seems
to
hide just beyond our perception. Every time we get close to grasping it, it slips
through
our fingers. In fact, we have a hard time even successfully defining the boundaries
of
the problem, much less discovering the ultimate solution.
Never one to shy away from the hard topics, I'm going to begin my INTP series with
an exploration of this conundrum. How does our INTP nature react with the
personalities of others in a way that leads us to feel this odd, hard-to-define
isolation?
First of all, you'll notice I said feel . As we know, the entire subject of
feelings is a
squirrely topic for INTPs. The introverted feeling cognitive function is in the
shadow
position for us. That's the ability to build a clear, persistent sense of who we
are as
people based on how we feel about ourselves. We are driven by thinking rather than
feeling. For example, if our understanding of the world leads us to the conclusion
that
we are an X kind of person, then that means we're an X kind of person. Our feelings
will then follow that decision. If later, we gain evidence that we are a Y kind of
person, then we are a Y kind of person, and our feelings will follow again. It's
that
easy to change our self-identity. We don't have the natural ability to "just know"
the
kind of person we are. We look for evidence of who we are, then make a decision
based our on analysis. This process can be dangerous, however, if jarring,
paradigm-
changing evidence hits us too often. Our lives can be turned upside down by it.
There
certainly can be value in having a strong emotional anchor to us through storms and
rough water. As INTPs, we can get blown onto the rocks.
Because our own emotions are suspect and we minimize their importance, we fail to
understand the importance, influence, and changeability of emotions in others. Our
extroverting feeling function is in the inferior position, so it develops last.
Basically,
when we're young, our rationality bullies our emotions into a tightly controlled
box, and
when they erupt, they're frightening, exaggerated, and uncontrolled. As we age,
however, we can build up our feeling skills. It's a painful, uncomfortable process,
but
slowly we can learn from mistakes and observations about ourselves and others.
After
years of struggling yet maintaining a fierce effort to analyze and understand, I
now feel
that at the age of 41, I can offer some potential insights into where we fit in the
social
landscape. These are kinds of insights I would have liked to have available to me
when I was a young INTP.
The Hardest Feeling for Anyone to Quantify: Feeling "Normal"
The most difficult kind of self-awareness is understanding exactly what constitutes
"normal" in our daily existence. For example, you don't really think about the many
nuances of breathing. It just comes naturally most of the time. You only become
aware of breathing when it is not normal. That's when stronger feelings are evoked,
and you have a biologically-programmed reason to remember. For example, you
remember being short of breath, you remember choking, but you don't remember the
last five minutes of breathing right now.
Biologically, we remember the horrible things the most, the great things second,
and
the "normal" things least of all. Actually, it's an effective method of survival.
First
rule: don't get hurt or killed. Second rule: get the good stuff and enjoy it. Third
Rule: do all the boring stuff in between. The challenge is digging out of the
mental
complacency of normal to make sharp observations. It's easy to see the friction
points. It's hard to deconstruct the nuances of each step when you're flying on
autopilot.
"Breathing" for an INTP
When an INTP wakes up to a new day and walks out the front door, what is the INTP
revved up to do? What's our "thing?" What do we do like breathing?
Some personality types are honed, practiced, and pumped up to enforce the RULES.
They're the Guardians. Some are eager to see what the day brings and find
opportunities to have a GREAT TIME. They're the Artisans. Some are primed to reach
out with their hearts and find MEANING IN THE WORLD. They're the Idealists. INTPs,
on the other hand, are one of the Rational types. INTPs are primed, practiced, and
ready to identify, analyze, understand, and then predict the workings of the world.
It's an internal, individualized, mental process. Basically, the INTP spends every
day
gathering information and fitting it into a sweeping, growing, and universal body
of
understanding of…everything. It could be cloud formations, what makes wind, traffic
patterns, cooking styles, kangaroos, bad breath, brain chemistry, overgrown
toenails,
politics, arguments, star formation, how grass grows, or whether you need to put
cream on that weird rash. The topics, however, are less important than the process
itself. If we observe X situation undergoing Y action causing Z result, we remember
that. If we observe it again, we remember we've seen the same evidence twice. If we
observe it a third time, we may decide that we have discovered a potential Truth
(that
is, something we believe to be true until new information suggests that it requires
modification). Each Truth becomes a predictor. If we observe X situation undergoing
Y action again, then we can expect the Z result. If we are correct in predicting Z,
then
we really start feeling awesome. That feels right. That feels normal .
When we have amassed enough Truths to predict a lot of things, we begin to get
noticed by the people around us. We begin to seem insightful, wise, and almost
psychic at times. When I was young, I could often predict a person's entire point
after
hearing the first few words of their sentence. When I would answer their question
or
react to their point correctly, their jaw would drop. The prediction was the result
of the
sum of my knowledge of the person, my knowledge of prior conversations, what just
happened that might have sparked a certain thought in their head, and the verbal
cues
pointing to where the conversation is about to go. Again, a successful prediction
equates with understanding , and that feels good to an INTP.
This drive to amass information, form structures, and predict the world permeates
everything an INTP does. To many people, what I just explained sounds exhausting at
best, or pathological at worst. But if you're an INTP, I trust this process happens
like
breathing. You might not even be aware that you're doing it. This process is the
way
we make sense of the world and find our place within it. It makes us feel at ease,
controlled, and calm.
The Handy-Dandy INTP Supercalifragilistic Encyclopedia
So, in a way, an INTP is handed a huge, blank encyclopedia at birth, and the INTP's
life is spent filling it up. And not from beginning to end. All sorts of points
will be hit
in the middle, and the knowledge spreads out from there. If you're really lucky, by
the
end of your life, most of the empty spaces will be filled in.
Each day, the INTP walks around with this encyclopedia always at hand, always ready
to record a new insight, make a revision, or use it to predict what is likely about
to
happen. It can also be whipped out at parties to spark interesting conversation or
to
twist it into humor. INTPs can be charming and charismatic, providing endless
entertainment for those who love trivia, philosophy, or other off-the-wall
conversation.
Did you hear that word I slipped in there INTPs?
Entertainment.
Yeah, I said it. If you have a decently-sized encyclopedia, you probably know what
I'm
talking about all too well. But feeling like the entertainment can piss you off
after a
while. It's divisive. When you go to see a show, there's an audience and a stage,
and
those two groups of people don't mix. The audience just wants their laughs when
they want them, then go home. It's the Nirvana effect: here we are now, entertain
us.
INTPs use charm and humor and conversation as a tactics to draw people closer and
to have social interaction. If you're older, you've probably learned by now that,
in the
end, it doesn't work. We fail to gain the closeness we're craving. Instead, we're
directed to exit stage door left when the show is over.
Yet, we use our encyclopedias this way because we really don't know what else to
do.
It's our way of feeling out other people. Are they interested in what's going on in
our
heads? Are they interested in our observations and understandings? Do they have
similar thoughts? Can I help them with what I've learned? Can they help me?
Humor can be a very powerful tool in reaching out. It often requires intelligence.
It's
an indicator. Does the other person get it? Can they follow the humor? Can they
reciprocate? That's the plan, at least. But when the attempt doesn't click, that's
when
we're either rejected as a geek/freak, or we get hired as the entertainment. For
those
of you who have been the night's feature presentation, it can be cool. But another
part
of you says SCREW THAT. If you're going to be used and dismissed, the least they
can do is pay you well for it. Am I right?
Hello? Is Anybody Out There Hearing Me?
So why do we have this recurring feeling that we're not jiving with people? Why is
it
hard to get close to someone? And why is it that once we do seem to get close, it
tends to erode and disintegrate?
On the one hand, the reason is terribly simple. What is not simple is the subtle
mental
and emotional chemistry that goes on within us that results in those hard-to-
navigate
feelings. After all, no person makes us feel anything. We are the reason we feel
something. All feelings come from within us. The other person is just the target
that
we are hanging our emotions onto. We can just as easily hang them on someone else.
So, let's turn back to what is normal for an INTP. That is where the problem lies.
We
may not even realize we're toiling away at our encyclopedias. We just do it. And
like
all people, we innately assume that everyone thinks and does the same things we do.
Why would we believe any differently? We all follow the golden rule: if we treat
others
how we want to be treated, they will reciprocate. Right?
No. Unfortunately, they often don't.
They are following the golden rule also, but their version of it. They often want
something fundamentally different. As you try to provide one thing, they are hoping
to
receive something else, and vice versa.
INTP's are well under 2% of the population. If you are INTP female, you are well
under
1% of the population. Even our close rational cousins, the INTJs, feel somewhat
alien
when we interact with them. INTJs do not share our Perceiving function, and,
therefore, they can create their mental constructs in a vacuum. They tend to think
it
first, then go about putting their theories into practice in the world. INTPs do it
in the
opposite direction. They observe and analyze the world first, then go back and
create
constructs based on what we observed.
I'll Show You Mine If You Show Me Yours
Here you are, an INTP happily working away on your encyclopedia and figuring out
the
world. So, what do we ultimately want from other people?
You see it coming, right?
We want to share the experience of writing our encyclopedias. Want to share pages,
compare notes, help others predict and avoid bad stuff and mistakes, and get
others'
insights so we can avoid some bad stuff ourselves (especially icky emotional
badness). That way, we don't have learn everything the hard way. We can share the
load in a grand community striving to understand the nature of the universe. We
feel
connected to people when they seem like they might have a similar encyclopedia. We
feel love when the overlap seems especially potent. How do we know? When we want
to talk with a person more, more, more. Then, it happens. Someone starts to care
for
us. They actually want to be around us and talk and share things. MISSION
ACCOMPLISHED! Right??
Wrong again. (I know I’m being hard on you.)
At first, when this seeming compatibility happens, it feels AMAZING. We have
finally
found an encyclopedia co-author. It's so much more fun to tear into the world with
a
partner-in-crime. But wait a minute. Little clinkers start happening. Maybe they
don't
want to talk so much anymore. Maybe their eagerness wears off, and they are happy
to put their encyclopedia on the shelf. You think, WTF? This person cares and wants
to be with me, but why? What is still fueling the person's interest? Why can't we
share encyclopedias anymore?
Well, you have made a mistake in your assumption and you don't know it yet. Another
person will care for you for their reasons, not yours, and the two may be very,
very
different. Here is the source of the INTP undercurrent. It's the subtle confusion
that
arises when someone wants to be with us, or we want to be with them, and yet they
aren't really jiving on the encyclopedia level. A rational craves a mindmate, and
here's
an example of what that means. You can put an insanely gorgeous woman in front of
me, and, of course, I'll feel desire. For a long time, I thought I would desire her
because she was beautiful, but I've learned that's not true. Everyone likes what we
find
beautiful, that's no secret, but it's just a start. Without realizing it on a
conscious level,
I would fantasize that her beauty is an indication that her mind is going to match
that
attractiveness. If she hasn't opened her mouth yet, the fantasy can grow. If she
never
opens her mouth, that fantasy can become a false truth. She can remain utterly
amazing forever. However, if she does open her mouth, or I can observe her actions,
something often happens. If her mind turns out to be a turn-off, the attraction
will
evaporate, regardless of her beauty. Honestly. The sad truth is that I don't think
there's a double-bagger solution for anti-mindmates. It's not something that can be
ignored. (I should note that the reverse is also true. Mind connections can spark
desire regardless of a person's appearance.)
The Final Solution
Once an INTP discovers the shocking truth that other people think very differently
than
we do and are driven by very different motivations, the INTP then turns the overall
desire to analyze and understand the world onto to the inner workings of people
themselves. However, people are irrational, chaotic, and unpredictable, right? Not
logical at all! Every theory we make about them seems to fall apart. Every safe
path
we chart through them leads to swamps and disasters. The traumas mount. And the
failures. You might even decide to take your ball and go home. But it's just
against
human nature to enjoy isolation. You keep limping back and trying to connect again.
If you're stuck in this cycle, then I have an important insight for you.
Ready for it?
People, in fact, are entirely logical, rational, and predictable.
No, no, I'm not smoking something. The human condition is indeed extraordinarily
complex and challenging to tackle, but as you well know, hard doesn't mean
impossible. Hard just means hard, and what makes it the toughest for us is the
element of emotion.
Here are the unnatural things that we INTPs have to learn to do in order to better
understand people: (1) give adequate weight to the motivating power of emotion in
other people (and ourselves) and (2) understand the roots of that emotion. We stomp
down emotion and will always choose a logical answer over an emotional one. Most
of the other personality types are not that way, however. Until we successfully
deconstruct the power of emotion (including how it still affects us despite our
efforts to
kill it), we have little hope of successfully navigating emotions in others. We
will not be
able to understand what the actions of other people mean and how to predict them.
But that process, my friends, will need to be a topic for another day.

Chapter 2: Overload
(WHAT'S NEW! 2/22/15--The new CHAPTER 8 is posted! SURVIVING
THE LONG AND GRINDING ROAD)
I'll admit it. I like being an INTP very much. It's a state of being that puts
some nice tools in your hands. However, it also brings some potent blind
spots and traps. And usually, the dangers you can't see tend to be the
ones that cause you the most grief. It's like getting hit by Wonder
Woman's invisible jet plane. As you're lying mangled on the ground, all you
can see are clear skies overhead.
Today I'm going to focus on overload. It's a very insidious INTP trap,
because the path to overload covers the same ground as our most loved
and valued INTP analytical functions. As a result, the more you try to solve
that unhappiness with the tools at your disposal, the deeper you dig
yourself. As is often the case in life, our greatest strength can be our
greatest weakness.
Let's say you're a proto-human walking from your cave for the first time.
The world is fresh and wide-open. You feel this interesting sensation on
your skin that bright, summer day. Today, in English, we would call the
sensation "heat." Another morning, you walk out of your cave, and you feel
a different sensation. The sky is cloudy with a stiff wind. We would call
that one "cold." These two sensations perplex you. What makes you feel
these differences? Is some kind of unseen spirit possessing your body?
Was it something you ate? Your mind flips into analysis mode.
You note that the big shining orb in the sky makes an even stronger
sensation on your skin when it hits you. When you step into the shade, the
feeling lingers in your skin a bit, then goes away. Interesting. Maybe the
soil and trees and rocks absorb something from the orb and release it back
into the air. Maybe the orb causes heat.
But wait. Over time, you notice the effect of seasons. Each day doesn't
heat and cool the same way. Sometimes it's hot even at night. Sometimes
it's cold with a bright sun. The conundrum deepens. After climate, you
study air currents, ocean temperature, global water currents, the orbit of the
Earth, solar flares, the ozone layer. On and on and on and on. Every new
discovery factors in and opens new possibilities. But as you delve and find
more and more questions to answer, you eventually begin to approach an
overall limit of energy. The observations and hypotheses mount. The
complexity of the problem starts to breed a sort of paralysis or surrender.
We begin to label the overall conundrum as not reasonably solvable . It's
like staring over a chasm at an ice cream stand. As much as we want a
banana split, we believe we've amassed sufficient information to determine
that realistically we just can't get there. For an INTP, everything has the
ability to spiral into an overload situation. But there is one area that seems
to be a quagmire more than any other. My first article focused on it--
interpersonal relationships and isolation.
If you feel isolated, I bet that you can regurgitate the huge amount of
information and analysis you've amassed on the subject. You could tell me
about the friction in your childhood. How your parents didn't seem to get
you. How when you said this, they heard that. You could give me your
theories. Your observed truths. The way your relationship with your
college roommate started with great promise, but cooled and ended up with
you being increasingly alienated. You've deconstructed your interactions.
Theorized about what kind of person you need to find and where you might
find them. You can tell me how many times you were hopeful that you
found one, but then a progression of events proved that you were mistaken.
All of this information builds into an ever-growing conceptualization of the
problem. Why does it grow? Because we want to solve problems exactly
and fully, and nothing else will suffice. As we apply each potential solution
and step back to observe the result, we'll take each point of failure as a
new challenge to be analyzed. It's our rational optimism at work. A
solution must exist, we just have to try harder.
The trap of INTP is that your thorough and unflinching approach to solving
problems inherently increases their size. Size, in turn, begins to empirically
prove that the solution may be impossible or beyond your abilities. So
what do you do? You try HARDER. The complexity of the problem grows.
HARDER YET. Bigger. The building overload spawns negative emotions.
Fatigue, frustration, and disappointment mount, finally fermenting into
despair.
Nowhere do INTPs seem to fall victim to overload more profoundly than in
interpersonal relationships. The most likely reason is that relationships
involve a great deal of tricky emotional content. You have your own
emotions to contend with (even if you're convinced that you don't have any),
as well as the other person's. Since INTPs would rather suppress emotions
than embrace them (which actually is an emotion-driven decision), we have
a need for skills that we aren't terribly eager to master. But let's tackle the
problem of interpersonal relationships in the most logical place. Us. Since
our own emotions ultimately control whether we have the experience of
enjoying life or being tortured by it, our own emotions are the place to start.
What I'm proposing is really very simple. However, it's foreign to usual
INTP thinking. If overload is created by being exacting and looking too big,
then happiness can achieved by being less exacting and going small. But
here's the catch. Small means pieces, not grand solutions. Discrete little
victories. Each one might not amount to much, but if you walk around
collecting pebbles, you will eventually have a sack of pebbles as heavy as a
boulder.
So, how do we narrow our focus in interpersonal relationships? Let's say
you know someone who you've spent time with, and although you once
hoped that this person would be a kindred spirit, you've determined that it's
never going to happen. You've observed too much incongruity. The person
let you down too many times. But now you have an opportunity to have a
cup of coffee with this person. Your rational brain says, "why bother? I've
already established that this person isn't a kindred spirit. I'm just going to
be further disappointed. I'm going to come away feeling worse than if I
didn't spend time with them at all." That is overload talking. Perhaps
there is some part of this person that you enjoy. Maybe over coffee, you'll
end up joking around. Maybe there is something that the two of you can
commiserate on. If you just look at the joking or the commiserating, you
can enjoy being with this person for a short time. You feel a slice of
happiness, because in that moment, you are feeling good.
I submit to you that feeling bad is bad, and feeling good is good. Even
though the cup of coffee does not solve the problem of your place in the
world, you can feel happy for that half hour in the coffee shop. And that is
meaningful. That is good. Did you solve the problem? No. Did you
determine that this person is actually a kindred spirit after all? No. It's an
imperfect solution. A partial solution. But remember that bag of pebbles.
I'm trying to get you working on that sack of pebbles.
Be mindful of where you have opportunities to experience small moments of
happiness. When you go collect one, make yourself step back from the
exacting, rational machinations of your brain. Be more aware of your
emotional state. Fight the urge to leap to negative emotions if little
setbacks happen during the experience. Collect more and more of these
moments with the goal of building some stability and future predictability.
Establish which friends you can call upon for what. By having options for
small victories, you have a means to achieve more happiness.
What I've just described will certainly seem like a no-brainer to other
personality types. But to INTPs, it's not natural. It's an effort. And let me
be clear. It's NOT the answer to our isolation. As an INTP, I'm still
convinced that we are, in fact, isolated. However, even though it's not
solving the problem, what it does achieve is some much needed training,
experience, and success for our emotional side. Emotions are much more
subject to our control than we realize. They are not simply the result of a
situation. We have a huge amount of opportunity to make choices
regarding how we feel. But in order to do it, we have to stop making the
mistake in interpreting emotions as an indication of truth.
All personality types misinterpret the message of emotions. That's just part
of being human. For example, if you are afraid in a dark room because
there might be someone hiding in your closet, that does not mean that
someone IS hiding in the closet. But that's not what our brains tell us in
the moment, right? It feels like there COULD be someone in the closet
because we are afraid. The emotion is interpreted as an important
indicator of possible fact. Just like our five sensory emotions. If you feel
radiant heat, you don't touch the stove. If you feel scared, there must be
something scary out there. Emotion shapes our sense of reality.
The same can happen with isolation. Are we feeling down because we are
isolated (reality indicating), or are we feeling down first and incorrectly
assuming that isolation must be the objective reason (reality creating)? I
believe that the latter is happening a great deal. Isolation is partly true and
partly false as a result of emotions that have become mired in overload. If
we can unwind the false part, we can strike a much better emotional
balance. Maybe we are less isolated than we think. Maybe there is much
more that we deserve to be happy about.
In the end, a solution to the grand problem may still exist. There's always
hope. And without overload and the weight of spiraling failure, that hope
can breathe and be healthy. In the meantime, though, collect those
pebbles. You'll feel much better in the end.

Chapter 3: Tonight's Main Event--Romantic Relationships Versus the Evil Twins of

the
INTP Psyche
"Forgive me if I am not justified in what I ask," said Scrooge, looking intently at
the
Spirit's robe, "but I see something strange, and not belonging to yourself,
protruding
from your skirts. Is it a foot or a claw?"
"It might be a claw, for the flesh there is upon it," was the Spirit's sorrowful
reply.
"Look here."
From the foldings of its robe, it brought two children; wretched, abject,
frightful, hideous,
miserable. They knelt down at its feet, and clung upon the outside of its garment.
"Oh, Man. look here. Look, look, down here," exclaimed the Ghost.
They were a boy and a girl. Yellow, meager, ragged, scowling, wolfish; but
prostrate,
too, in their humility.
--Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol
(WHAT'S NEW! 2/22/15--The new CHAPTER 8 is posted! SURVIVING THE LONG AND
GRINDING ROAD)
I've read a fair number of online resources that try to guide the various Myers-
Briggs
personality types on matters of relationships and romance. Especially regarding the
particular
pitfalls and difficulties with them. You probably are landing here if you are INTP
and have
found those basic discussions not entirely helpful or insightful.
The general view of INTPs in relationships goes something like this. INTPs tend not
to show
emotion or value emotion. Since they aren't in touch with their partners' emotions,
they don't
give enough emotional reassurance, leaving their partners feeling unloved. The root
of the
problem, then, would appear to be that the supposed avoidance of emotions by INTPs
is
fundamentally at odds with love and its expression.
But, my friends, that's not nearly good enough, is it? Or especially accurate. I
doubt it was
written by an INTP, that's for sure. As I said in my earlier articles, INTPs are
highly
emotional. And passionate. Some other mechanism or friction must be responsible for
turning our Harlequin romances into SpongeBob SquarePants episodes.
So what is really going on behind the scenes that rots the plumbing of our romantic
relationships?
When I tackle a problem, I always look for the fuel. The core, fundamental reason
it happens.
In this case, how do our cognitive differences from other personality types create
conflict and
discontent on both sides of the equation? That's our challenge for today. So, I
poked, I
pondered, I pried, (and then ran out of P-verbs), and what I found hiding down
under the folds
of OUR robes are two naughty children. Most of the time, they make us proud.
Sometimes,
they're ugly little bastards. And they take delightful pleasure in screwing up our
romantic
lives.
Let me introduce them.
Evil Twin #1: hyperMindfulness
There are good traits and bad traits in humans. Helpful and hurtful. But even great
traits
often come with a price. (And some of bad ones probably come with a benefit.) For
example,
extreme height comes in very handy if you want to be a professional basketball
player. It
helps you to excel in the game. You dunk that ball hard and pretty. And it even
lets you be a
human crane when someone can't reach the teapot on the high cabinet.
Being uber-tall, however, also means that you'll have to duck through every doorway
you pass
your entire life. And collect head bruises when you don't. The same trait that
allows you to
excel in one context becomes a handicap in another. An INTP trait that I'm going to
call
"Mindfulness" is very much like that. (Note: The word "mindfulness" is a much-used
term in
Buddhism, psychology, and other philosophies. Although my use of the word is almost
entirely
consistent with those uses, I want to make clear that I am using the word in my own
way and
do not intend to rely on those other definitions.)
We are the encyclopedia writers (see Chapter 1)--the theorists and students of
intricacy. How
do we do it? It all starts with a strong drive to perceive the world, analyze our
observations,
gain understanding, then store the results. It is a conscious, directed process. It
is not breezy
or hit-or-miss. It's lights on, not lights off. It is Mindfulness.
Mindfulness is a focused mental state in which we are primed and prepared for input
and
analysis. It has a few particular attributes: (1) you must be aware that you are
perceiving
(seeing, hearing, tasting…i.e., taking in information), (2) you must be aware that
you are
thinking about your observations and patterning them, and (3) you must have the
goal of
remembering and integrating new information. Of course, all people experience
mindfulness,
regardless of type. INTPs, however, don't commonly leave it. We usually have to
consciously
decide to rest, to succumb to exhaustion, or to (temporarily) immerse in a feeling
moment.
Mindfulness is good, right? I think so. So why does it turn naughty? How does it
misbehave?
Do you remember being a kid giddy with excitement about something you wanted? I
mean
pure, over the top excitement. Non-rational excitement. I remember being six years
old and
desperate for a Spiderman web shooter that strapped to your wrist. I think you even
had to
mail order the thing. I dreamed about all the amazing tasks I would be able to
accomplish
with my righteous Spiderman skilz. Point, bend wrist, then thwap! I hounded my
parents until
I could have it. (No, it wasn't expensive.)
Were you ever hyped about something like that? I'm sure. Here's the question--how
long did
it last?
I quickly discovered the limitations of my spring-loaded, plastic toy. The poor
design. The
fragility. The string that really didn't let the dart fly very well. The clear fact
was that I was
not going to be doing any of those amazing things I imagined. Another personality
type might
have haven been undeterred by the reality. They might just PRETEND. Not only did my
careful (and natural) deconstruction of the object eliminate my ability to enjoy
the toy, I felt
embarrassed for being excited in the first place. I should have known better. I
shouldn't have
been such a sucker. My lesson, I hoped, would be useful in avoiding similar
mistakes in the
future.
Put another way, have you ever seen a painted masterpiece in a museum? Okay, how
about a
paint-by-numbers kit? What would happen if you overlay one over the other? The now
deconstructed masterpiece doesn't feel so magical anymore, does it? Mindfulness can
be the
magic-killer. And that's when our first evil twin is born. When Mindfulness becomes
hyper Mindfulness, or Mindfulness gone too far. Here's a more painful, but
pertinent question.
Think about some of the times that SOMEONE ELSE brought you something that they
were
giddy with excitement about.
You just felt a sinking feeling, didn't you?
What did you do? Well, you deconstructed/analyzed the thing and deflated all the
excitement
for the other person. You killed it. You turned the smile upside down. I know I've
done it.
Mindfulness went too far. Clueless hyperMindfulness barged in and sat right on the
birthday
cake. If we are experienced with this sort of "mistake," we might even try hard not
to speak
our mind when we want to deconstruct. We try not to let the analysis slip out.
Sometimes we
succeed. Sometimes we don’t. But man, are we bad at faking excitement. Usually, the
best
we can do is say nothing. We can't whip up emotions we aren't feeling.
In relationships, we need to get competent at keeping Mindfulness from progressing
to
hyper Mindfulness. Sometimes, the most important thing is not objective truth.
Sometimes the
feelings of the other person need to supersede. We get emotional thrills out of
logical truth,
even when it comes from someone disagreeing with us. We are energized when someone
cares enough to gain knowledge with us. Most everyone else, however, wants
something very
different. They want approval, praise, or their own flavor of understanding. Often,
they want to
share an emotional experience. And they want it at the expense of truth, if
necessary. That
fuel doesn’t resonate with us, but it's very important to them.
More on hyperMindfulness and fighting it later.
Evil Twin #2: The Persistent Reaction
hyper Mindfulness doesn't play alone. It has a sibling that multiplies the
destruction when the
two get together. As usual, we'll dig at identifying it through an analogy. (I love
analogies in
case you haven't noticed by now.)
Imagine you're five years old, and someone has decided they're going to introduce
you to a
wonderful thing called baseball. They explain, "I'm going to throw you this ball,
and you're
supposed to catch it."
You nod. They wind up. They throw.
And you catch the ball with your face.
Ouch!!
Tears, apologies, and cold compresses ensue. But what do you do the next time a
ball is
thrown at you? Maybe run. Maybe dodge it. Maybe reposition yourself for a catch
with your
hands, but protect your face at the same time. One thing for sure is that you're
never going to
just stand there and watch the ball hit your nose again. You won't do that on the
next throw.
You won't do it a year later. You won't do it twelve years later. You have a
Persistent
Reaction to a ball thrown at you.
Now, let's flip the tables from a negative to positive lesson. An ice cream truck
frequents your
neighborhood. You like getting ice cream. It rocks. As an INTP, you probably take
note of
when the truck tends to come. You note how much things cost. You note how much you
need to have in hand to get what you want. You bug your mom in advance. You make
sure
you have pockets for the money. All of these observations go into a construct that
allows you
to be fully prepared for when the truck shows up.
Those structures burn in for INTPs. You don't even have to try to remember them.
Everything
about your brain and personality is driven to deconstruct, analyze, and store
information in
order to maximize your success. And once you have a piece of information, you
generally
don't forget it. Ever. On the other hand, your scatter-brained neighbor can't seem
to get his
act together to score the ice cream. No matter how much emotion he pours into
wanting it, he
forgets to take care of some part of the equation and royally screws it up.
The Persistent Reaction is a direct outgrowth of our encyclopedia creation. While
Mindfulness
is about writing the encyclopedia, Persistent Reaction is about making good use of
the pages
once written. Learning only has meaning if you hold onto the lesson, and we excel
at
integration and recall. When A happens, we know that we maximize the opportunities
if we do
B. If A1 happens, then we do B1. If A1-4c-16A222F happens…well, you know. It's all
in
there, linked together in our brains.
A transient reaction, however, is based on the moment it happens and no more. It
comes. It
goes. It is not ascribed with any special meaning. Most people classify emotions as
transient
reactions. You've probably heard things like this: I was mad, but I got over it; I
was just in a
mood; just ignore it; it didn't mean anything. I figure that most people live
alongside a
massive trashcan where many of the day's experiences get tossed and forgotten. Seen
one
way, that can be very wasteful. So many lost opportunities to learn. However, seen
another
way, life can stay very fresh each day. Even common events remain a surprise,
because even
if it happened before, it isn't remembered. Sometimes I envy that kind of brain.
So, now let's place ourselves in one of those romantic relationships we're hoping
to excel in.
We are Mindful. Very Mindful. We are learning and deconstructing and reassembling
our
understanding of the person, of ourselves, and of the relationship.
That's good. That's what we do. We are great at setting aside our emotions to
address
problems "safely" and rationally.
But then, there's friction. Normal friction. It's unavoidable. Now what?
Our partner will tend to have a transient reaction--it lives and dies in the
moment. It might
carry forward, but only partially and imperfectly, which can be hard for us in its
own way. If
we are going to carry forward anger or happiness, we will have a consistent,
rational reason
for it. We will feel doubly violated if we get criticized for something that makes
no sense. To
be attacked is one thing, but to be attacked with no valid basis adds deep insult
to injury.
For us, relationships go into the encyclopedia also. We try to learn and
understand. We begin
to form Persistent Reactions based on what we are observing. Something may happen
once.
Something might happen twice. After that, there is a strong likelihood that it will
happen three
times, six times, twelve times. It will happen forever.
So what does that kind of pattern-forming and permanence mean for relationships?
Well,
relationships are notorious for ruts filled with repeated (and petty) friction.
Everyone gets
annoyed with their partner. Especially for persistent things. However, when a
person with
transient reactions hit those rough patches, the imperfect carry-over makes it a
very organic
process. They might go ballistic. They may be mildly annoyed. They might not even
notice
or care. You can't predict the reaction. You can't navigate a pattern. Persistent
Reaction, on
the other hand, is fundamentally different than transient reaction. As INTPs, we're
not just
reacting to the current iteration of the problem at hand. With the encyclopedia as
our guide,
we are also fighting every recorded fight we ever had on that topic. We are also
fighting every
fight we can predict ever having in the future. And that makes the battle huge for
us.
Everything is on the table, and the stakes are high. To the other person, the
weight we bring
to the situation may seem like a gross overreaction. Our emotions won't seem to be
in line
with the importance of the issue. But that's because they aren't. We are fighting
every fight at
once. They are fighting one by itself.
The Bottom Line
hyper Mindfulness and the Persistent Reaction…let me boil down these hombres to a
very
simple sauce for disaster.
With hyperMindfulness, we piss people off. With Persistent Reaction, we get pissed
off.
With hyperMindfulness, people leave us. With Persistent Reaction, we leave them.
Spirals and Relationship Self-Cannibalism
So what happens precisely in relationships in the face of Persistent Reactions?
Well,
relationships are littered with the threat of spirals, which are a cross between
self-fulfilling
prophesies and the law of cause-and-effect. Here's an example. Let's say one person
gets
irritated by something the other one did. A guy asks his INTP girlfriend a series
of amorphous,
meandering questions, and as each one takes more energy to answer, she begins to
feel
drained. Having to stop and devote enough brain power to fully answer his questions
just
becomes too much. She maxes out.
Especially if he has a habit of asking tortured questions (cue Persistent
Reaction). She subtly
locks down and withdraws. It's her defensive reaction to protect her energy and
mental
integrity.
When the guy perceives the change in her, he has his own reaction. Why is she
refusing to
answer his questions? She must be hiding something. He asks more questions in a
more
accusatory manner.
How does she then react? Her belief that he is intentionally violating her has just
been
confirmed. He has ignored her "clear" signals and intensified the attack. Now she's
indignant,
not just annoyed. Which he, in turn, interprets as further secret-keeping and a
blossoming
life-or-death battle of trust. He insinuates that she has done something wrong. He
criticizes
her reticence and evasions. She perceives a declaration of total war. Her anger
detonates.
You see the spiral of reactions/counter-reactions all based on incorrect
interpretations and
assumptions? We do that all the time as humans. We misinterpret and thereby create
the
next turn of the spiral.
One big danger of Persistent Reaction is that it tends to make us the first ones to
be annoyed.
We can start these spirals, because today is not just today. Today is the sum of
our life's
observations along with all of our future predictions. As we strive so hard to
deconstruct and
understand, bumps in the road can make us irritated. In chronically troubled
situations, we
can become almost constantly irritated. It is Persistent Reaction injecting bad
vibrations into
the relationship and revving up a rash of conflict spirals. The relationship
quickly erodes into
dysfunction.
Sending the Twins to Bed Without Supper
We need some practical advice to help lasso the twins when they get out of hand. If
nothing
else, I'm doing these articles to help INTPs be happier and more effective in the
world we have
to live in. So what kind of discipline do we need when the hooligans act up?
The beginning of relationships, even for INTPs, is largely emotional in nature.
Mindfulness can
be there, sort of, but it's totally corrupted. The desperate hope to find a kindred
spirit,
someone to finally understand us, fans the desire and the pounding heart and the
dwelling
thoughts. We immerse in the moment, and it takes us.
But after the initial fuel is expended, the deeper, enduring desires begin to
emerge. Eventually,
we want to see the hoped-for connection actually happen and come to fruition. This
maturation of the relationship is where Mindfulness comes forward again and
operates
normally. And where we have Mindfulness, the twins can show up.
Remind yourself that although the reason we want a relationship is to share
Mindfulness with
another, the experience of a great relationship is always emotional. When our INTP-
nature
finds a connection with someone, it's a rush of euphoria. However, the euphoria
isn't the
sensation of raw mental connection. Euphoria is the emotional result spurred by the
connection. Romantic relationships must have this kind of continuous emotional
content to
stay strong. Therefore, we must train ourselves to slip into emotional,
experiential states even
when the reason (or fuel) isn't perfect for us. A moment can be beautiful without
logical
nirvana. A landscape can be stunning. A summer night. Looking into someone's eyes
and
thinking, oh my God. We must practice how to have emotional immersion for other
reasons.
Seek emotion for emotion's sake. By doing so, you will feed the relationship for
both of you.
Maybe it's going out to dinner, or intimacy, or travel. Maybe it's just taking a
nap together on
a winter day.
Combating Persistent Reaction is harder. The unfortunate fact is that unless you
are paired
with another rational, a linear progression of shared thought and study will never
be sufficient
fuel for a relationship. You'll want that, but your partner won't. Compromise will
be
necessary. If your partner is wise, he or she will understand your INTP fuel. And
if you're
wise, you'll understand your partner's fuel. A solid relationship will be an
exchanges of fuels.
One gallon for me. One gallon for you. Much of our nature is directed toward a
linear
progression of knowledge, like a road. But beware. A road has to lead somewhere. It
could
very well lead away from the relationship if you follow it blindly.
One last point. If you are the partner of an INTP reading this article in the hope
of connecting
better with him or her, one concrete thing you can do is try to come along with us
on one of
our linear adventures. Learn something together. Progress. Grow towards a clear
goal. We
gobble that stuff up. It makes us really happy. Even if it might not look like we
do on the
outside. We might seem serious and focused, but inside, we're flying.
Conclusion
I love the twins. They are part of what makes INTPs who they are. But learning and
advancement don't always equate with happiness. In fact, the opposite tends to be
true. The
more you know, the more you find inelegant realities. The more the magic drains
away.
We can train ourselves to step away from our core rational nature and immerse in
feeling, but
don't be concerned if you find it to be like scuba diving. You'll only have so much
air in the
tank, and once you're out of air, you'll have to resurface back to rationality. But
that's okay.
You will still have achieved something good and important.
Keep manufacturing that emotional fuel. Without it, we will never be able to stay
happy in a
relationship.

Chapter 4: Busting the Myth that INTPs are Not Emotional

(WHAT'S NEW! 2/22/15--The new CHAPTER 8 is posted! SURVIVING THE LONG AND GRINDING
ROAD)
What People Believe about INTP Emotions: Introducing the Hog and his Wash
You probably are quite familiar with the common wisdom regarding INTPs and emotion.
It goes something
like this:
The preferences of INTPs are thinking (Ti) and intuiting (Ne). INTPs have far less
competence with feeling
functions, leaving them somewhat cold and unemotional.
You've heard something like that, right? Well, I say hogwash.
At a glance, it might seem like that's the truth, but the reality is very
different, much more surprising. In
fact, it might shock you. Deep down in the world of the INTP experience, where we
can't easily see, we are
not un-emotional. Our emotions are actually SUPER-CHARGED.
Displaying emotions is a very different issue than feeling them. For example, you
can have a terrible
headache without outwardly showing that you're in pain. To understand the
complexity of what is going on,
we have to challenge the very notion of a "preference." What is a preference
really? Let's say you have
amazing agility, physical height, and accuracy. You naturally begin playing
basketball, and you excel. Is a
preference like that? Is it something so good and strong that you can't help
yourself from doing it?
I say no, it's not that simple. I'm going to show you that skills only solidify and
take shape as a preference
when something else comes first. You don't know it's a bright clear day until
you've already experienced
dark and rainy ones. To fully recognize a strength, you have to compare it to a
weakness. And for us, that
weakness is hard-rocking, hotel-room-trashing emotions. They can easily be too-hot-
to-handle.
The Power of Negative
Let me ask you a question. Which of the following would make a bigger impression on
you?
A. A lovely walk in the woods full of fragrant wildflowers.
B. Disturbing a nest of bees and getting stung 3 times.
Which experience is more potent? Which would stick with you more? Which would teach
you a more
enduring life lesson?
I think B, no?
It's more intense, more arresting. The memory of A might be delectable, but it
probably will dissolve into a
big pot of similar memories. The information you gathered there will be soft and
nebulous. The memory of
B, however, is seared into your brain. You remember every step in great detail.
It's like someone grabbed
the video camcorder that lives in your head and hit record.
Negative is powerful. Pain imprints. We REALLY don't like pain. In fact, we hate it
more than we like
pleasure. We will analyze situations that cause us pain in an effort to learn how
to avoid them in the future.
And therein lies the magic word. Avoid.
The Chicken and the Egg: Preference or Avoidance?
Let's meet Ivan and Irina INTP.
They are cute-as-a-button five year old children. Awww, aren't they sweet?
But already, they are carrying wounds. Particular wounds. They were inflicted by
times like these:
*In trying to assemble a complicated toy, they just can't seem to get it right.
They get really
FRUSTRATED. The feeling that wells up in them is terribly strong. They feel so
emotional that it feels
like a coming volcanic eruption. They either need to scream, break something, hurt
themselves, or
cry (or all of the above). All of those things have consequences that they don't
want to face
(provoking something else, embarrassment, etc.), but the feeling is so strong that
they can't hold it
back. They might grab handfuls of their hair and pull. Or growl. Yet, their desire
(or need) to
assemble the toy correctly won't let them stop. Other children just leave behind
what is frustrating
them or cry for a little bit and move on. The INTP will vent an emotional outburst,
then swing from
intense anger to intense embarrassment because of what they've done. Big swings.
Big highs and
big lows.
*In a certain place or with a certain person, they feel enormous feelings of
happiness and
meaning. It's so powerful that they want to share it with others. But not just
share by explaining it
like a dissertation. At first, they assume that others feel the same strong emotion
and want to feel it
together. However, when they reach out and try, it becomes very clear that the
feeling is not
shared. The rush of positive emotions swings to sharp embarrassment and confusion.
Again, the
swing is extreme. Other people would be disappointed, but try again later. The INTP
may vow never
to repeat this very unpleasant experience and never reach out to that person again.
Ever.
For INTPs, the emotions can be like carrying a huge, overfull pot of soup. The
chaotic swings and the ever
present danger of spilling can feel dangerous. We develop a natural desire to Avoid
the negative and
dangerous ones, to keep the soup from sloshing and knocking the pot out of our
hands. We learn to walk
carefully, calmly. We try to keep balance.
In general, we believe that all observations contain important information about
the workings of the world,
including emotions. We turn our rational functions onto our feelings to analyze and
understand them, to
find their meaning . Even if the raw emotions are positive or otherwise manageable,
the process of mixing
focused thought with emotion super-charges them. The emotions can feel very deep
and meaningful.
That's not a problem until we get violated, embarrassed, or not valued. Then, the
super-charged emotion
blows up like a ticking timebomb. Again, the emotions are primed to be more intense
than for other
people.
Given that emotions can be radioactive for us, we become adept as using rationality
to box in the
dangerous animals. Every time they get poked and start pacing in their cage, we
use rationality to blanket
the emotions and keep them within controlled, safe parameters. In short, our
Avoidance has crystallized our
rational preferences. We've learned what we're good at, and what we're not.
So why are the seas so stormy for INTPs? First off, it's not our fault. Some people
are simply more
sensitive to certain stimuli than others. Some people can't stand the smell of
perfume. Some can't stand
rough fabric on their skin. Some can't stand bright light. For INTPs, the
experience of emotions is like
listening to music with the volume blasting. We like the music, but if it's too
loud, it's painful to the
ears. Even if it's not, the blaring music has a tendency to disturb the neighbors.
For most types,
weathering a bad emotion is like a sailing a lake with choppy water. No big deal.
It passes. But for INTPs,
it can be like a hurricane. Howling wind and driving spray. You get off the boat
looking like Nick Nolte after
he was arrested. We learn to become good meteorologists to avoid the storms in the
first place.
Some types, namely the idealists, actually wrap themselves in feeling and intuiting
for understanding and
making decisions. To them, emotions are a guiding light, a best friend. Emotions
are the antithesis of
danger. Because of that, idealists are our mirror opposites. They trade our
thinking functions for feeling
functions.
Have you ever asked an idealist to EXPLAIN how they see the world or what their
emotions have taught
them? Or to summarize all that they've experienced? It's a train wreck. They
struggle to string together
linear thought and language. They stumble, keep correcting themselves, and talk in
circles. Although their
emotions are perfectly clear and enduring, their thoughts tangle into huge knots
that they can't seem to
unravel. And THAT feels bad to them. Their Avoidance is thinking functions (and
also sensing functions;
however, those aren't our preference either, so we don't differ in that regard).
They flee that pain for the
safety of their primary competence, feeling and intuiting.
Why the INTP in Your Life is a Treasure
If you are reading this because you love an INTP and he or she is confounding you,
I have great news for
you! If you're beginning to believe that your INTP is just incapable of loving you
like a normal person, this is
your lucky day.
Let's say the INTP in your life isn't showing you his or her emotions. There is a
simple reason. Your INTP
doesn't feel safe enough with you to do so. But don't take it personally. Your INTP
probably has reached
the point where many of these emotions can't even be "shared" with him or herself.
However, those emotions are there, and they are super-charged. Isn't that
exciting??? As you plug into
them, you are in for a wild, fun time. The positive emotions will be a rush. Pure
and powerful. Almost
childlike. If you have become lacquered over and jaded in your own life, you can
let those uber emotions
energize you. But, of course, the negative emotions will be equally as strong. If
your INTP gets sharply
angry with you (and then withdraws and is cold toward you because he or she is
battling to quiet them),
just know that they don't want to feel that way. Translate their anger by dividing
it in half and respond to
that. It's not as bad as you think it is. It's just dialed up LOUD (or at least
full of perceived meaning for the
INTP). Help them come back. Help them calm. To do that, engage their thinking
functions while delicately
letting them know that it's okay to feel things. The emotions will come and go.
They won't cause lasting
harm. Every emotion doesn't have to mean something enormously important and
permanent.

Chapter 5: Young Adulthood and the Fix-It Stage

(WHAT'S NEW! 2/22/15--The new CHAPTER 8 is posted! SURVIVING
THE LONG AND GRINDING ROAD)
One of the things I've observed in myself and in other INTPs is that our
young adulthood can be particularly exasperating. Many an early INTP
struggle seems to begin right at the point when we fly from the nest. It's the
moment when, armed with our newly formed INTP consciousness, we
launch into the world ready to rock n' roll.
We have a pure kind of excitement and trust in our INTP skills of
observation and analysis. It's like we realize we have this amazingly
versatile tool. A cordless drill/saw/staple gun combo. And we use it on
EVERYTHING. We love it, because man, does it work!
Until…it doesn't. And then, watch out.
I call this stage of young adulthood the "Fix-It" Stage. It is marked by an
aggressive, single-minded, over-confident use of The Tool. And when The
Tool doesn't work, we aren't dissuaded. we use it again. And again. And
again. And again. We keep using the same approach until we're so
frustrated we want to scream.
The First Real Dose of Friction
Not long after embarking out into the world, we usually find our first
friction. Our style of intelligence may or may not translate into school
performance. We may find that other people are not so interested in the kind
of knowledge we seek. We may feel the first stab of a sharper isolation. Not
the mysterious, hard-to-pin down feelings of isolation in childhood. Now, we
have a growing pile of real world negative experiences at our disposal. More
people, more venues, and more changes don't seem to solve the odd
disconnect we feel with people. We experience our first failed attempts to
adapt (or adapt others to us). Yet, deep down, the powers and process we
are using still feel great. Under the stings and frustrations and hurt feelings,
we feel an enduring, fundamental sense of empowerment. That is the (for
the most part) positive side of the Fix-It Stage. Until it becomes the worst
part. That's what I'll explain. And what to do about it.
Check Out my Cool Telescope
As we leave childhood, our newly minted INTP skills feel pretty good. We are
armed with a strong, inner confidence (even if the confidence doesn't quite
make it to the surface). We realize we have potent powers of analysis. We
realize that if we focus our minds and energies, we can truly decode and
understand the outside world. As we drink in information and produce ever-
growing theories, we gain knowledge . And without even thinking about
whether we trust this process of observation and analysis, we trust it. It is
us. It is what we do.
Early childhood development for an INTP is a very gradual and organic
process when we learn about our positives and our negatives through trial
and error without any objective guidance or assistance (unless we are
around another INTP mentor who is wise and self-aware). Once we have
a grasp on the breadth and reach of our skills, we start improving and
focusing them. Soon, we realize that others don't share these skills. (In
elementary school, most likely.) There is a time when we realize that we are
doing something cognitively that others don't do. When we share selections
from our Encyclopedia, we see a change in faces. They say wow. They
blink. They begin to treat us like a leader, despite our lack of desire to be a
leader.
In a way, it is like when humans first invented the telescope. We use this
new instrument to peer farther and farther into the nature of the
universe. And just as optical telescopes led to radio telescopes which led to
x-ray telescopes, with each new generation of knowledge, we become more
and more confident in our power to see.
Blind Spots
Have you ever looked through a telescope? You put your eye up to the
objective lens, and a faraway world opens up before you--an explosion of
stars, the haze of a nebula, the crisp craters of the moon. But while you're
looking, a person can slip right up beside you, and you'll never see the
person. Why? Because often, by gaining one power, you lose another. By
greatly extending the forward reach of vision with a telescope, we lose the
rich range of our peripheral vision. In the same way, INTP-skills have blind
spots. As we explore the universe, we fail to see some important things
standing right next to us. These blind spots harbor misconceptions and
mask some important objective truths about INTP nature, our own
emotions, and our relationships with others.
INTP in Young Adulthood - A Marksman Who Sometimes Can't Hit the
Target
With a sharp blade of logic and observation, we win most debates and solve
most challenges when we are young. Even when we don't prevail, we don't
really mind, because we learn important information that we initially
missed. We can then map where our efforts went astray and plot a new
course for success.
Like a sniper engaging an endless succession of targets, we spot, analyze,
aim, fire. Spot, analyze, aim, fire. Our energy comes from this process and
its success. But what happens when that process does not lead to
success? What happens when the result is consistent failure? Here is the
problem with young adulthood in INTPs. Here is where you are in for grief.
For our mental sniper, imagine pulling the trigger, looking down range, and
seeing that you missed the target. No biggie. You must have twitched,
that's all. So you re-analyze, aim, shoot…
…and miss again.
Okay, bummer, but not the end of the world. Where were the errors of
perception? Where were the errors of logic?
Okay, now you've got it. Hold your breath, squeeze the trigger, BLAM!
Missed.
Now you're a bit angry. A little pissed. And even if you're too beaten down
and weary to be pissed, you innately have a sense that you are GOING to
hit that damn target.
Size it up…fire.
Missed again.
OH NO F-ING WAY!!
You slam that gun down, pick it up, slam it down, pick it back up.
Re-analyze, aim, fire.
Missed.
Fire. (Missed.)
Fire. (MISSED.)
(At this point, you probably have broken and smashed the gun. But I know
the dark truth. Later, you come back, tape that gun back together, and start
trying again.)
Have you had the emotional experience that I just described? Young
adulthood in INTPs comes with the convergence of two things: in the midst
of many successes, you make a few pesky persistent errors while being
unable to let go of the impulse to fix them. This failure in the "Fix-It" Stage
is fueled by blind spots. And even the best sniper in the world is going to
fail to hit a target when it is invisible, hidden, or distorted.
Okay, no big deal. INTPs figure stuff out, right?
However, our fierce reliance on the INTP process works against us if the
process itself is flawed. As INTPs, we always tend to look for external
reasons and solutions. We never look at the process itself as a possible
candidate. In the Fix-It Stage, we tend to run marathons in the wrong
direction. We tend to sprint right past the real problem a few feet from the
starting line.
Let's look at a few common missed targets:
1. I feel reasonably intelligent, and I learn quickly, yet I can't seem to do
well in school. The kind of "knowledge" they want in school doesn't
seem like real knowledge. It's a game I can't seem to figure out. Each
time I try harder to adjust, I do even worse.
2. I try to approach people and socialize, but I can't seem to
connect. People don't really care to hear what I want to say. I don't
really want to talk about what they do either. So I study people even
more diligently to connect better. I apply the results of my theories and
observations, but I end up feeling even more removed from them.
3. I don't think I'm happy. Why am I not happy? I can think of several
reasons why I should be happy. Or at least not sad. What is wrong
with me? I make adjustments that should ensure my happiness. The
result--still not happy.
There are two general versions of the Fix-It Stage. Although they might look
quite different on the outside, they function quite similarly. The only
difference is the amount of aggressive confidence. But make no mistake,
even if you don't fall into the confident version of this Stage, I would bet that
you are nevertheless falling into persistent Fix-It patterns.
The Confident Version of the Fix-It Stage
Let's say we're in college. Very early twenties. What are we like?
We definitely have our groove on. We have dozens of chapters of our
Encyclopedias written, and we are hungry for more. Our brains are in drink-
everything-up mode. We're eager for the next puzzle, the next stimulating
conversation, the next conundrum to unravel. We're aggressive thinkers. We
can be charming. We can be intoxicatingly energetic, both to others and
ourselves.
But…we can be intimidating, we can be overbearing and quick to put the
ideas of others down even before they have a had a chance to fully express
it. Our intellectualism and disdain for emotion can made us look arrogant
and condescending. Our delivery of the many results of our intellectual
pursuits can appear judgmental and inflexible, even though we know they
are infinitely flexible. Unless you can offer new information to an INTP or a
more in-depth analysis that the INTP performed, you will be dismantled and
shut down. And if you can't keep up with the speed of the INTP's thoughts
and ability to communicate, you may become source a frustration. The INTP
will then either display annoyance or withdraw if he or she is afraid that
annoyance will hurt the other person's feelings.
The Weary Version of the Fix-It Stage
Not every INTP will have such outward and aggressive confidence in his or
her skills. Maybe you never felt confident socially, even though you feel
confident intellectually. You may have been marginalized or ignored. You
may be used only for entertainment, but not meaningful relationships. When
you try to be serious, you may get completely ignored.
Or, your isolation may be even more sharp. You may find social interactions
an impossible conundrum. Nothing seems to work. And the fear of trying
again is crippling. Sometimes you may feel like an entirely different
species. The result? You may choose solo pursuits where you are engaged
and challenged while completely alone.
In this version, the Fix-It Stage is still a cycle, but it's more tiresome and
self-defeating. You KNOW you should be able to solve these problems of
isolation or stumbles in performance (such as school), but each time you
try, you end up with failure. The repetitive nature of the Fix-It Stage in this
version is the enduring, masochistic belief that the problem is you. Now, if
only you could finally get the solution right….
What is Going Wrong?
The major lesson needed to fix the Fix-It Stage is to understand that our
observation and logic do not penetrate deeply enough.
(Really? Wait. Did he just say that? We aren't logical enough?? WTF? The
dude just lost it.)
Hold up. What I'm talking about is a matter of quality versus quantity. We
have tons of QUANTITY of analysis in the Fix-It Stage, but we are suffering
from a insufficiency in QUALITY. A dash of deeper logic goes a long, long
way. Bucket loads of off-kilter logic is damaging and crazy-making.
The Blind Spot You Must Stop Missing
Although we feel very in control and not given to emotions, we kid ourselves
into thinking we don't have them as much as we do. And even when we
acknowledge them, we tend to make excuses if our (true) emotions might
hurt the feelings of, or anger, another person. Why? Because another
person's emotion is just as painful to endure as our own bad
emotions. Worse, actually.
Emotion is painful, and emotion makes it hard to think and return to a state
of calm. Even at the best of times INTPs are wary of emotion, but in the Fix-
It Stage, emotion is public enemy number one, because it feels incompatible
with the process we so love. Mind you, I'm not talking about the big, big
emotions. Those, we recognize pretty well. I'm talking about the more
normal, gentler emotions. We tend to miss the importance of those within us
entirely.
How Does Our Missed and Misunderstood Emotions Damage Our INTP
Process?
Let's say that a person has a very powerful fear of being robbed or
assaulted on a city street. Maybe it came from childhood or was planted by
parents who were very afraid of going into the city. Now, this person is
going to college in the city. This fear has become a constant threat, ready to
erupt in the form of the physical symptoms. Pounding heart, tight chest, fast
pulse and breathing. And INTPs hate feeling that kind of physical anxiety.
One day, some unsavory character standing in the alcove of a building calls
out to our college student. The crush of fear hits, even though our INTP
didn't even hear the actual words the person in the shadows said. The
student runs.
After this experience is over and the acute fear subsides, the INTP brain
kicks in to protect the student from this bad event ever happening
again. The student begins to monitor the exact time of day, the position of
the sun and shadows, the patterns of people on the street. The INTP maps
new routes and is careful to walk just the right distance from both the street
on one side and the building on the other. The analysis of the situation
grows and deepens as she constructs this new body of knowledge. And
during this process, she doesn't feel any fear. She feels calm. Out in the
streets, the fear remains controlled so long as her navigation remains
controlled and she successfully avoids all potential threats.
But there's one problem. That man in the shadow was actually old and
homeless and was calling out to ask for food. He wasn't a threat of any
kind. In fact, there has been no crime on that street for seven straight years.
But does any of that matter to our frightened INTP student? No, because the
experience of the emotions themselves has caused an erroneous (but
common) logic error. If I feel afraid, then there MUST be danger, because if
there were no danger, I wouldn't feel afraid. The emotion is treated like
objective information rather than a mere chemical process. Real fear can
have no foundation whatsoever. But it never seems that way to our brains
when it is happening. Our brains say danger-real-beware. It is very difficult
to re-assert logic and challenge fear when you are in the grip of it.
Of course, you really can't blame our brains. If a mean person punches you,
then you experience a sharp emotion. That feeling sears into your brain. It
ensures that you remember what happened and prepares you to deal with a
situation if it presents itself again. The next mean person you come across,
you can decide to run or to fight. But in either case, you are
prepared . Emotional lessons often are important. However, many other
times, emotional lessons are skewed and complete fiction. But even
erroneous emotional lessons will feel like 100% truth.
Learn to Be Honest With Yourself About How You Feel
In Fix-It Stage, we build huge systems of logic to incarcerate emotions that
we perceive as dangerous. But then we lose sight of them altogether. We
scurry around doing our INTP things no longer appreciating the little
radioactive emotional seed fueling the whole process just off the edge of the
map. We need to understand and accept when we feel anger, when we feel
hurt, but especially when we feel disappointed. These emotional states are
part of the human experience, and they affect us more than we are ready to
admit. But unless we are aware of them and begin to develop the ability to
let ourselves admit and experience them, our efforts are only leaving us
worse off and spiraling towards a crisis and crash.
There are three emotions particularly to watch out for. Why these? Because
they are medium emotions. Ever hear the one about the frog and boiling
water? If you dump a frog in hot water, he jumps out. If you put the frog in
cool water, then slowly heat it. He will not perceive the slow change and
cook. Medium emotions are the most likely to cause harm, because they
work on us without triggering the kinds of emergency responses that the big
emotions do.
The three emotions are:
1. Annoyance.
I start with this emotion because it is very common and pervasive, and it
causes a package of problems that can spawn all sorts of ugly offspring in
our interpersonal relationships. It is also the hottest burning fuel of the Fix-
It Stage when it morphs into Frustration. But let's focus on annoyance itself
for a moment. Annoyance is the half-anger that erupts when something
violates our expectations. It is a semi-hot, semi-aggressive, outward-
directed emotion. For example, if we are trying to make a serious statement
and the other person can only be flip or dismissive, that causes annoyance,
because our expectation is that the person should care about what we have
to say and take the time (and have the ability) to listen.
Annoyance is okay and natural. What you shouldn't let it do, however, is let
it propel the INTP process faster and faster. Frenzied brains lead to
mistakes and make us feel, well, frenzied, and out of control. That's not a
good feeling place to be. The other thing that annoyance spurs us to do is
immediately cut loose from the thing that annoyed us. To dismiss it. Banish
it. But having a hair trigger causes you to shoot things that shouldn't be
shot. Before we expel something from our lives, we have to take a
breath. (Many breaths, actually.) In the totality of issue at hand, is it the
right thing to do? Will we regret it later. Will we lose something that we will
miss?
2. Disappointment, especially of people.
Everyone wishes for a partner in crime, whether it be a friend or a lover or a
family member. But "partner in crime" means very different things to
different people. There are certain activities that turn you on as an
INTP. They are the things you most want to share. Some
examples? Sharing our Encyclopedias; building them together; getting
emotional support when all of our control mechanisms fail; and knowing
that someone is dedicated to giving us help and assistance when needed.
How do you feel when you launch into a conversation because you think you
have a kindred spirit in front of you, and it falls painfully short right before
your eyes? Or how about when you ask a person to please stop doing X
and please start doing Y if they really want to help you, and they never stop
doing X and never start doing Y? These things are very disappointing.
However, because we INTPs get accused of being judgmental, arrogant,
cold, etc., we generally try very hard not to prove these things true. Instead
of looking down on someone, or finding fault in others, we tend to blame
ourselves and deconstruct our behavior. We think of all of the ways we
might change our approach and expectations of people. However, I have
some important news for you. You are disappointed. And you are allowed to
be.
3. Hurt
We really don't like hurt as INTPs. We are almost blindly fast at building
protective constructs over the top of hurt when we feel it. Anger in response
to hurt is an uncontrolled lashing out, but that too masks hurt. I find it
much, much preferable to whip myself into an internal rage at someone
rather than let the anger tip in the other direction and become hurt.
When we experience hurt, we have to be very careful that we are not acting
in all sorts of indirect ways in an effort to avoid acknowledging and feeling
hurt.
To Really "Fix-It", Stop Running on the Hamster Wheel and Re-Analyze
Your Own Emotional Fuels
If you have a leaky faucet, the best thing to do is fix the leaky faucet, not
start digging up the entire municipal water system. What I've observed is
that INTPs are experts in finding and tearing into any problem imaginable,
except their own emotional state and the things that honestly fuel their
emotions. If you are experiencing a recurring problem, stop for a moment
and look beyond all of the many variables that you have been weighing and
trying to solve. Come back to the common denominator: you. What is down
there fueling that recurring issue? Is it annoyance or disappointment or
hurt? Something else? We are so eager to pull out our hammers and saws
and pliers…. But is it possible that all of this effort is an indirect way to NOT
grapple with the way you are feeling?
The bottom line: The Fix-It Stage is about over-eagerness to use INTP core
tools to attack problems while missing important information about
ourselves and others. We incorrectly believe that these raw INTP skills are
the answer to everything. Why? Because it feels good when we use
them. But that's the problem right there. Feeling not good is part of the
human experience. We need to grapple with those feelings honestly without
roaring past them in a mental Ferrari.
All of that effort to avoid and suppress emotion only makes it harder to
exorcise and resolve.
Why Care?
Over time, the frictions of the Fix-It Stage can resolve in some areas, but
deepen in others. For a while, we are quite sure we have it mostly figured
out. But as years progress, long term disappointments and slow, eroding
failures to hit our targets ferment into deeper discontent and confusion. In a
way, all of the aggressive energy of the Fix-It Stage tends to burn itself out
and run its course. It slowly darkens into a less flashy stage in mid-
life. Maybe I'll call it the Duty Stage. But that's a story for another day.
I see a lot of pain being expressed by young INTPs, and lots of spirals
turning and turning. The answers are closer than you think. Find those blind
spots and shine a light into them. Expand your powers of observation and
turn your analysis deeper and inward. You will see the truth of what is
fueling your conundrums. That process that you trust so much is a great
one, but it needs an upgrade to 2.0 to avoid running marathons so long that
you forget where you were trying to go in the first place.
S ome Quick Shorthand Techniques
* School Issues : Want to do well in school, but the work bores the hell out of
you? The Secret: You are bored by the kind of work necessary to do well in
school. It's not a conundrum. It's really quite simple. School performance is
a unique set of rules. It does not equal the pursuit of
knowledge. Solution: Do the boring work in bursts, then reward yourself
with something you like. Switch back and forth between the two. If you are
under impossible deadlines, let the stress motivate you for the marathon,
then reward yourself for an extended time when you are finished. REALLY
reward yourself. Follow through and don't be a martyr to yet another task.
* People Issues: Recognize when you are annoyed and disappointed. Also,
recognize when you feel good with someone. Allow yourself to craft the
interactions and your expectations to maximize the good times and avoid
the negative times. You are never going to figure out a way to fix a mixed
situation and make it a 100% percent amazing one. Therefore, take the good
and trim the bad.
* Task Issues: Feeling that you are under unrelenting pressure? Step
back. Ultimately, you are pressuring yourself. What is fueling that
pressure? Some else's expectations? A reluctance to upset someone? It's
easier to maintain harmony by sacrificing yourself. But is harmony the
point, really? What is so bad if someone is upset? What do YOU
want? Work on your emotional boundaries. One way to do that is to
imagine pushing everything uncomfortably pressing on you out to a distance
of 10 feet. Inside that 10-foot radius, you are safe and untouchable. While
all the bad is storming outside your bubble, feel yourself calming, breathing
deeper, and your heart rate slowing. You'll be amazed what a difference this
will make. Afterwards, think about yourself and your needs in the safety of
your personal space.
In all cases : try to stop chasing the external solution for a
moment. Consider: What are your own motivations and feelings that are
fueling you? Do they need to validated? Embraced? Are you fighting a fight
that isn't going to bring you happiness?

Chapter 6: How to Date (and Interpret) an INTP

(WHAT'S NEW! 2/22/15--The new CHAPTER 8 is posted! SURVIVING
THE LONG AND GRINDING ROAD)
I have received many emails over the last few months from people who are,
or want to be, in a romantic relationship with an INTP. And they have
questions. They need help. Does the INTP like them? What does this or
that behavior mean? What started as amazing is now drifting off course.
How can it be stopped? What is going wrong?
If you are here because you might be falling in love with an INTP, I applaud
you! You are exactly what we need. You are a person who wants to
understand, and you have a real heartfelt desire to understand your INTP
and make him or her happy.
It's okay that you need help. There are often fundamental differences
between how you and your INTP approach issues like calming, problem
solving, and dealing with emotions. The miscommunications and
misunderstandings can run rampant. And because these conflicts lead to
frightening emotional upheaval and conflict for INTPs, their natural reactions
may give you the appearance that they no longer have feelings for you.
Tragically, the opposite is true. It is the intensity of the negative emotions
that is fueling their withdrawal. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Below, I'll
describe common relationship situations, give you a sneak peek into the
INTP consciousness, then suggest how you might respond.
Now for a few housekeeping items. This article is focused on new and
recently new relationships. However, even the most seasoned relationships
will see elements of themselves described here. The good news is that
what I'm going to talk about is straightforward. These frictions, once you
see them, will be very easy to understand. Dealing with them, of course, is
another matter. Why? Because each person is entitled to have his or her
own wants, needs, and love language. When two people don't match up on
these points (such as when two different types attract), the best possible
outcome is that you meet in the middle. I know it sounds great, but really
think about what that means. Each person will only get half of what he or
she wants at best. You have to understand that is your goal. You will not
getting everything you want and dream of in the way of alignment. If deep
down, you don't like that sentence, please read it again and try to embrace
it. If you expect too much, you will ultimately express your disappointment,
anger, and sadness toward your INTP. Your INTP will then feel intensely
badly that he or she made you feel that way and will eventually interpret a
pattern of these conflicts as evidence that your relationship is wrong and
should not exist. If you keep cycling in that zone, you will lose your INTP.
This chapter is focused on understanding INTPs and addressing needs.
That fact is not meant to suggest that the relationship is all about the
INTP. If you are here in desperation, you want to get on better terms with
your INTP first. Once you achieve that important goal, then it's your turn.
Your INTP will be very interested in fairness, understanding, and doing hard
work. He or she will want to understand your wants, needs, and love
language and should be very willing to meet you in the middle.
The Truth about INTPs
INTPs feel emotion very intensely, even if you don't think they show it. In
fact, emotion for an INTP is primal and pure. Almost naïve. And they are
afraid of it. That's why they learn to suppress it, withdraw from it, and
safely pack it away. But it's there, my friend, and it is strong. And we want
to make sure that emotion is all about you! (In a good way, of course.)
The Way an INTP First Shows Attraction
If an INTP is taking the initiative to talk to you, especially with deeper, more
complex, and probing conversation, he or she likes you and wants to get to
know you better. It's that simple. And if he or she seems to be actively
seeking you out for these beyond-small-talk conversations, then he or she
probably already has a crush on you. An INTP crush is all about mental
obsession. Your crushing INTP will have thought through all sorts of
imaginary conversations and interactions with you as a way of trying
predict who you are, how you'll respond, and how best to approach you
and succeed. Also, if your INTP seems very nervous and tongue tied
around you, the crush is immediate and strong. Your INTP has no
confidence in how to handle that emotion (or you) and is coming a bit
unglued in your presence.
Correctly Interpreting INTP Behavior
There are some very important misconceptions about INTP behavior.
These are things to watch for. When you misinterpret these behaviors, you
have a high likelihood of starting a reactionary spiral where you drag each
other down by playing off one another, matching one reaction for another, in
a terrible dance of mistakes. For example: a boyfriend observes a
girlfriend's troubled demeanor. She is upset about her day at school, but it
has nothing to do with the boy. Worried, the boy asks whether she is upset
at something he did. She says no. He asks again, not really believing the
answer (because of his fear). Not in the best mood, she gets annoyed that
her first answer wasn't good enough. She feels interrogated. Her
annoyance shows. Now the boy is worried even more, because his initial
fear appears to be true.
He pushes, increasingly desperate to know why she is mad at him. Of
course, it wasn't him in the first place, but now she is quickly getting very
angry at his intrusiveness. He reacts with even more anxiety. Whoa, see?
She IS mad. Really mad! And so the spiral deepens, each of their
reactions feeding the other's. Sadly, it didn't have to happen at all. The
conflict was entirely manufactured, and in his case, a self-fulfilling
prophesy.
So, let's kill some spirals, shall we? Your task is to see the truth of what is
happening in the following seven situations. With these lessons in hand,
you can react to the truth of a moment and break the spirals soon after they
begin. We will start easy, in the beginning of your relationship, then work
onward.
Situation #1. This INTP I know, and might like, wants to talk to me.
What it Means: This INTP likes you and wants to get to know you
better. Very early on, an INTP will start making you the focus of his
or her thoughts. The INTP will be considering future conversations
with you, observing you, and trying to maximize the likelihood that
you will become interested in return. Don't doubt that you are on
his or her mind. It would probably shock you to know how much
and in what depth.
What to Do : Talk back. Accept the offer for conversation. Share
thoughts. Try to work together as a team on something the INTP
invites you to participate in.
Situation #2. Your INTP is witty and charismatic around small groups of
people, but becomes an nervous wreck around you.
What it Means: It easier for an INTP to perform around a small
group of people, because the INTP can deliver snippets of wittiness
directed at each person in turn and entertain the group without
having to focus entirely on any one person. It's an easy approach
using basic skills and doesn't require deeper knowledge or comfort
with the people involved. One-on-one interaction, however, is a
very different set of rules and expectations for an INTP. There, all
of the focus is on connecting or not-connecting on a deeper level.
It either unfolds naturally or disintegrates quickly. The interaction
will be more meaningful than in a group. If the INTP is avoiding
eye contact with you and is acting nervous, he or she really likes
you, and is afraid that the moment will go awry if the INTP makes
a mistake. The weight of the positive emotion mixed with the fear
and all of the things flying through the INTPs head on what to say,
how to act, etc. (to impress you) is sending the INTP into
meltdown, which is itself a mortifying emotion.
What to do: Try dialing down the emotional storm for the INTP by
having both of you direct your attention to a third thing, like a
movie, a webpage, or something else to observe. That way, you
remove the pressure of the one-on-one interaction and replace it
with a joint activity. It's more co-operative and less adversarial.
Sit next to each other, if you can. You might even try sitting close
enough to be touching. The point is to remove the eye contact
factor, the intense focus, and allow freer conversation. The
physical closeness will be easier to broach now as opposed to a
time when your attention is on each other. Once you are
successful in calming the INTP and establishing a safe zone, build
up from that foundation.
Situation #3. You have some emotional bumps in your relationship. Your
INTP is beginning to show annoyance with you.
What it Means: Your INTP is disappointed or frustrated with you,
yet is still feeling safe enough to share the emotion in the open.
THIS IS GOOD NEWS. If you really want the relationship to get
back on track, and if you are strong enough to take honest
feedback, then ask your INTP what is annoying him or her. You
can gauge how positive the INTP views the health of the
relationship (and his or her willingness to be vulnerable and open)
by how easily the INTP gives you that feedback. The more the
INTP fears your reaction, the less candid he or she will be. A
fearful INTP quickly becomes a distant INTP.
What to Do : Remember, your INTP appreciates understanding and
attacking the problem. He or she values these things far more
than harmony. The INTP shows love by his or her willingness to
work on the relationship with you. Even though it may look and
feel like criticism to you, try to reassure yourself that your INTP is
expressing love.
Situation #4. You have some emotional bumps in your relationship. Your
INTP is withdrawn and cold.
What it Means: An INTP withdraws for one reason only. He or she
is emotionally threatened by you, and by withdrawing, the INTP is
putting a buffer zone of safety between you. Why does the INTP
feel threatened? Because he or she has tried to give you honest
feedback and show love by openly discussing the relationship with
you, but you became upset emotionally or did not seem to
understand or appreciate what was being said. Maybe you felt
criticized or rejected or unloved. Maybe you just didn't understand
that these conversations were so important. However, for the
INTP, explaining and analyzing and deconstructing is how he or
she orients to the world and calms. Including you in that process
is love. By taking that away and layering on your own scary
emotional reactions, the INTP has no choice but to distance him or
herself from you. As a result, you will probably feel like the INTP is
falling out of love with you, and you may want to cling tighter. But
pushing an INTP to express love emotions back when he or she is
in withdrawal mode is a cardinal sin in INTP world. INTPs hate
being pushed to express emotion on demand, and they will
distance from you farther.
What to Do : Stop and reflect immediately on what you have been
doing right before the INTP withdraws. If this cycle repeats often or
if episodes last a long time, your relationship is in danger! You
have to get to the bottom of this dynamic if the relationship is
going to be vibrant again. The good news is that INTPs are very
resilient. After a cooling off period, the INTP will re-engage and try
again. However, if you can't stop what is causing this reaction, the
INTP may conclude that your presence in his or her life creates
more damage than good. You may find yourself exiled to such an
emotional distance that it might be realistically impossible to
bridge the gap (unless you can summon near perfection or are
willing to wait a long time for the INTP's fear of you to fade).
Situation #5. You have some emotional bumps in your relationship, and
your INTP discusses them openly, including how he or she feels emotionally
about the situation.
What it Means: Jackpot!! Your INTP feels safe with you and is
speaking the most vulnerable INTP love language to you. He or
she is willing to work hard on the relationship. No bad constructs
have set in, such as annoyance or withdrawal/avoidance.
What to Do : Keep it going!! Try to engaging equally in what the
INTP wants to address with what you want to address. You INTP
will be committed to meeting you halfway.
Situation #6. Something massive and fundamental seems to have changed
in your relationship. Everything you do seems to make the situation worse
and drive your INTP away.
What it Means: Your INTP has weighed all the relevant factors and
has come to the unpleasant conclusion that your presence causes
more harm than good to the INTP's well being. The INTP is
hoping for an exit, but may be reluctant to the trigger the emotional
turmoil of a breakup.
What to Do : Emergency mode, man! An INTP is always willing to
work with a receptive, committed partner, so you need to call a
special meeting. All cards need to be laid on the table. All honest
feedback ought to be encouraged. BUT BY ALL MEANS, keep your
emotions out of this discussion to the greatest extent possible.
They have become toxic to the INTP. You need to get into INTP
logic mode temporarily. If you do, the INTP should feel safe
enough to open up and share what the problems are.
Situation #7. My INTP broke up with me, and I desperately want him or
her back.
What it Means: After the warnings above, your INTP has weighed
the totality of what you bring to his or her life and finally
determined that the evidence clearly indicates that your presence
does much more harm than good to the INTP's well being. This
conclusion was certain enough to risk the emotional turmoil of a
break up. Your INTP may have steeled him or herself to get
through it, appearing as cold as the arctic (before global
warming). The steel is a protective mechanism. Down there lurks
the emotional disaster of losing you.
What to Do : Here is a recipe to get back an INTP. First, reach out
and say specifically what you love about him or her and why you
don't want to lose him or her forever. This message is a recitation
of facts. Keep your emotions out of the reasons or explanations.
Just the facts. Second, say that you believe that there are things
that your INTP loves about you that he or she doesn't want to lose
(but don't speculate on what they are or fish for compliments. If
this recipe works, your INTP will tell you freely.) Third, say that
you believe that your relationship has hurt him or her and that you
now understand that fact (it is safe for you speculate here on the
specifics). Ask your INTP to confirm your observations and ask
him or her to further deconstruct how the relationship went awry.
Basically, you are inviting your INTP to have a logical conversation,
a problem-solving session. That will feel very safe and calming to
the INTP, so long as you play by the rules and KEEP YOUR
EMOTIONS OUT. It is imperative that you keep conclusory,
emotion-based statements out of the conversation, such as "we
have a connection" or "I feel like we were meant to be together".
Stick to evidence and analysis. If your INTP clams up during the
conversation, apologize and figure out what you said or did to
cause the reaction. Really make an effort to absorb and build on
the information the INTP gives you. If you appear like you can't
handle this kind of sharing and working together, the INTP will stop
trying and disengage. If your INTP is talking honestly, BRAVO!
Keep it going. Keep it building. You are on your way to
reconciliation.
Okay, So I Took Your Advice, and my INTP is Happy. Now What About
Me?
Quite right. You deserve to have your needs meet too. An INTP will
always be willing to meet you halfway and to have a give-and-take, equal
relationship. But remember, that's a two-way street. You will need to
commit to the middle also. If deep down, you really want an imbalanced
relationship in your favor, it's not going to go well with an INTP in the long
run. On the other hand, if you embrace a balanced relationship, then open
up to the INTP and share your needs. INTPs highly value fairness. He or
she should try very hard to give you what you need.
A Final Word about an INTP's Sacred Place
What is the one thing that you can be for your INTP that will mean more
than anything else? Ultimately, your INTP doesn't need help problem-
solving, observing, or idea building. True, those things can be a blast to do
together, but they are natural and easy for an INTP. Like breathing. No,
your INTP's sacred place is at the heart of his or her vulnerabilities, not
strengths. It's the emotions, especially when logic fails and fears and
anxieties get the upper hand. Your INTP's most intimate need from you is
an emotional refuge. If your INTP can put emotional vulnerability in your
hands and get support, safety, and comfort (temporarily, mind you, because
your INTP will be eager to feel confident and capable again), you really do
have the magic touch. If you can do that without spooking your INTP and
making him or her pull back, then my hat is off to you! You have won an
INTP's deepest trust. To get there, listen. And try very hard not to forget
what you learn.
Chapter 7: INTP Survival Kit
(WHAT'S NEW! 2/22/15--The new CHAPTER 8 is posted! SURVIVING
THE LONG AND GRINDING ROAD)
One of the most important goals of this site is to expose and understand the
immense importance of emotions in INTP happiness and in coping with life.
As much as we understand, however, as much as we try to navigate
around dangerous and painful emotions, we sometimes get winged by an
unexpected bullet. Or worse. Sometimes we get mugged. And sometimes,
just sometimes, we get dropped to our knees and shot execution style.
That's where this article comes in.
You're probably reading this article in a state of curious calm. Well, that's
cool. But what I really want is for you to remember that it's here when you
are in distress. When your heart is pounding out of your chest, when you're
cut and can't stop the bleeding, this article is where you need to come back
to. Even I have to do it, to read the words again, and I wrote them. When
the pain is full-on, your INTP nature is going to pull you out of orbit and
plunge you into the atmosphere like a meteorite coming in from
space. You're going to burn up without help. Trust me. I would spare you
that, if I can.
So, I'm going to give you some tools, my friends. Concrete tools. Like an
INTP survival kit.
The four tools are arranged in a list of increasing crisis. The first deals with
maintaining healthy boundaries and protecting yourself. A good all-around
skill to have. The last is the 911 call. When the world is exploding around
you. (You'll notice that the kit is full of "B's." But these B's don't
sting. They take the sting away.)
Protective Tool for Level 1 Pain: The UnBreakable Bubble
Let me guess. When people are upset around you, when you feel like you've
made a mistake or failed, the tension immediately grips you. As if the
emotions of others pierce right to your heart and rocket through you. Your
heart pounds faster. You feel like a cornered animal and wish you could
run, run run.
That's called enmeshing. It's the lack of any real buffer between "me" and
"them."
If this sounds like you, then you are lacking healthy emotional
boundaries. The emotions of others leap over what little walls you have and
slam you right in the chest. It's almost like you're an emotional
marionette. Someone else's emotions pull the strings, and your hands and
feet just flap around as they get yanked. Don't feel bad. That was me. It
still is all too often. But I've gotten much better. You can too.
I'm going to give you some materials to build a much better wall. And no,
these aren't bad walls. These are good walls. Your emotional health and
ability to cope will be hugely improved.
Imagine yourself standing out in a field. Exposed. The emotions of others,
and their judgments, are like rain or rocks pelting you. Now, channel your
inner wizard. (Maybe Gandalf). Imagine yourself holding your hands out to
either side of you. A gesture of protection and defiance. Conjure a bubble
that begins from your heart and expands outward in all directions. When it
gets to fifteen feet, it stops and flashes firm with unbreakable electric
strength. All of that pelting is still going on. It even intensifies. But it all
just
hits the bubble around you.
See the people beyond the boundary. See them yelling and pounding,
wanting to harm your feelings. But there is no sound. And absolutely
nothing touches you. Not even the air is disturbed. You are
untouched. Nothing can reach you. Inside your unBreakable Bubble, you
are calm and safe. Let the storms happen outside. Let it pass. The skies
will clear again. The howling wind out there has nothing to do with you.
Protective Tool for Level 2 Pain: The Big Badass Bouncer
You now have a protective barrier around yourself with the unBreakable
Bubble. You are working on your healthy boundaries. You are successfully
stopping yourself from enmeshing. However, now a particularly potent,
toxic thought keeps smashing through and plowing into your thoughts. You
know you shouldn't be dwelling on it, but you can't seem to stop it. You get
mad at yourself. Why can't you banish this toxic thinking?
Maybe it's a cancerous worry or doubt. Maybe it's a poisonous
uncertainty. Wait. We got this. Call the Badass Bouncer.
Visualize that toxic thought as a nasty drunk making a ruckus at the hip
city bar that you own. I mean actually visualize this physically . See the
creep. See his or her slobbering nonsense. What a pathetic slob.
Now call over the bouncer. A big burley brute who grabs that loser and
bodily throws him or her out the door and sprawling into the street. GONE.
But that drunk is persistent. The drunk gets up and pushes back in. These
toxic thoughts are like that. No matter. No problem at all. Big Badass
Bouncer grabs, drags, and chucks that jerk right back into the street. As
many times as that thought pushes into your head, that is exactly how
many times the Badass Bouncer is going to throw it out.
Keep your customers safe and happy, my friend. That riffraff has to go. Just
throw it out. See it, feel it, do it. It works.
Protective Tool for Level 3 Pain: Breathe, Baby, Breathe
Okay, you have worked on boundaries, you keep your head free from drunk,
nasty punks, but something has happened to overwhelm you. You've
suffered a big hit. You are in acute distress.
Take note of your physical symptoms: tight chest, difficulty breathing,
shaking anxiety, stomach churning, fast heartbeat. And your mind is flying,
flying, flying. It is trying to navigate at 1000 miles an hour, but the distress
is making it very hard to find the solution.
Trust me on this. Calm before doing any more thinking. Before any thinking
at all.
Concentrate on your breathing. Slow it down. As you do that, feel tension
physically loosening. It kind of feels like sinking. Last, feel your heartbeat
slowing. As this happens, you start to float on the surface of warm water
and feel content. Are you there?
You will be amazed by what happens inside your brain now. The problem
will have perspective. The horribles you were so sure of will seem reduced
and balanced against other possibilities. You will be in a position to do
what you do best. Navigate. With clarity and skill, not chaos.
Remember: Calm first, think second.
The Level 4 Fire Extinguisher: INTP 911
Okay. So, it's hit the fan. You have put tools 1 and 2 in place, and in the
midst of this crisis, you have used tool 3 to try to calm. But it won't
stick. The crisis is too big. The volcano is erupting and chucks of magma
are raining down onto your house. It's all starting to burn. You need
immediate help! No bullshit, no analogies, just immediate crisis
management. This final tool blends physical calming with a form of thinking
martial law. You need to get this situation under control. NOW.
(You might want to keep this list handy.)
IN AN EMERGENCY:
1. CALM.
2. TRUST.
3. DON'T ACT.
4. GET HELP.
1. Physically CALM! Immediately!!
Stop thinking and turn all of your attention to your body. Slow and
deepen your breathing. Feel your heartbeat slowing. Feel your
muscles relaxing. Especially the ones in your chest constricting your
breathing.
2. TRUST. What you are convinced of IS NOT TRUE.
You have lasered your mind onto something terrible and magnified it
1000x. There is NO WAY you have gotten this factually correct. Your
emotions have driven you off a cliff, taking your mind with them. The
situation is AT LEAST 50% better than you are fearing.
Trust does not mean more analysis and deconstruction. It is the
opposite. It is trusting a conclusion WITHOUT analysis. Your mind
is your enemy right now. This is going to be one of the hardest
things to do. I don't care. Do it anyway. Trust that the bad thing is
not true.
3. DON'T ACT.
Your actions right now will be mistaken. And you may very well
cause the very thing you are fearing. For example, if you think you
are about to lose someone you care about, acting in anger driven by
terror and pain could very well open up a fast descending spiral of
actions/reactions that result in losing that person. You will think,
SEE, it was true! But no, it wasn't true until your reactions caused
it. And it didn't have to happen.
Break the spiral. Just stop! You are not in a condition to choose
correctly right now.
4. GET HELP.
Okay. Okay. You are out of immediate crisis now, you aren't making
a huge mistake by acting rashly, but you are heavily weakened and
at risk. The storm wants to blow over you again. To suck you back
into the maelstrom.
You need something new in the situation, something to get yourself
out of the loop inside your head. Talk to a friend, do something that
calms you, switch gears, go for a run, listen to a song that evokes
the opposite reaction, watch a comedy, just do something else! Even
better, if you are in crisis because of a person, try reaching out to
him or her now that you are outside the immediate grip of the
crisis. Help that person get out of it too. You really don't want to be
hurting each other. Help each other out of it. If that's too much, then
turn to a friend. Just don't go back into the churning circle in your
brain.
*****
Keep working, my brethren. With these tools, you can endure and survive a
lot.
You can even thrive in the face of them.
++THE AFTERMATH++
Shortly after posting this article, a number of INTPs have asked some very
INTP questions. Okay, Jason, I've gotten past the immediate crisis, but the
problem is still there! It hasn't gone away! Now what? I need to solve the
problem, don't I? These tools just treat the symptoms, not the disease.
You are 50% right. Why only half? Because 50% of the "problem" is your
own INTP churning out of control. Your own nature is half of the
problem. While you are buried in it, you won't quickly rise out of the
darkness. Your nature is worsening the problem by doubling its importance,
intensity, and complexity. So the first thing to do is realize that you are still
in the grip of whatever is eating you from the inside out. Calm even
more. Step above it even more.
Okay. So now you have only the real problem in front of you. You already
trimmed 50% of it away. What now? How do you fix what remains?
1. Time.
The passage of time reduces pain. It's like a slow erosion or a fire
burning out of fuel. It could be years, or never, to completely rid
yourself of reminders and re-experiences of particularly bad pain, but
with the passage of time, it will become very infrequent, mostly gone,
and entirely livable. Toxic thoughts, however, will keep intruding and
reigniting the pain and inviting you to churn all over again. That is
where the Badass Bouncer comes in. Throw that frigging toxic
thought right out of your head. Let the Bouncer protect your peace
while you begin to heal with time.
2. New Sizzling Energy.
INTPs thrive on the next challenge, the next achievement. They don't
thrive on spinning and spinning on why something failed (although
they do it quite compulsively). You need to find new, fresh
energy. Start a new project. Dive into something that excites
you. Meet new people and begin to delve into them. You need some
juicy INTP fuel to put you on the forward path rather than the
backward path.
While you are on your new path, time will be passing. Your Badass
Bouncer will be taking care of intrusions. You will be very surprised
how quickly you rise up and begin to soar again.

Chapter 8: Surviving a Long and Grinding Road

(WHAT'S NEW! 2/22/15--The new CHAPTER 8 is posted! SURVIVING
THE LONG AND GRINDING ROAD)
I haven't written for a while. A long while. It has a lot to do with the
reason I created this site in the first place. As well as the title to this
article. Let me get you a drink while you make yourself comfortable. I'll
explain.
In addition to giving INTPs an honest, respectful, and safe place to share
what it's really like to be INTP, my wish for The INTP Experience was to
give younger INTPs something I didn't have--the guidance of an older INTP
to make sense of life and steer me away from mistakes and misguided
paths.
I remember years ago seeing Stevie Nicks of Fleetwood Mac talking about
reaching out to young, new female artists. She would tell them, let me be
the one who made the mistakes so you don't have to repeat them. Let me
be the one who paid the price. Let me help you do better than I did.
That always resonated me.
But that also means that when I don't think I'm a particularly good mentor
(because I'm struggling to find my own way), I have no wisdom to share,
and it’s difficult to write. That's why I haven't been around for some time.
I'm still working hard to navigate and chart my latest course. However,
something occurred to me recently. Even though I don't have all the
answers yet, I still have gathered some important, new insights.
So what I will share is this.
What happens when the sharp, choppy storms of youth deepen and
stretch? What happens when daily frustrations transform to deep,
enormous conundrums that years upon years cannot seem to unravel?
That is the curse of middle age. And that is a particularly debilitating form
of poison for people like us. We thrive on quick analysis and definitive
solutions. That is our salvation. But what if you can't solve the equation
no matter how much effort you expend?
It's hard. It's dangerous. And it steals our most precious reasons for
slogging forward in the journey of life.
So perhaps I can help you survive in the face of it.
Powerful Emotion as Our Anti-Strength, Our Nemesis
Several of my earlier articles focus on the important, but widely
misunderstood, role of emotions in our lives. Many sites talk about how
emotion is absent or stunted in us.
Totally false.
Our problem is not missing emotions. Our problem is that emotions are
too hot to handle. Our problem is that we lack the tools to handle emotions
in a calm, healthy way.
My observation is that the negative motivates people far more than the
positive. A person finds his or her strength only when compensating for
something he or she lacks. Our challenge as INTPs is strong, painful,
hard-to-manage-and-endure, emotion. And we turn to our greatest
strengths--analysis, observation, creativity, and deconstruction--to get us
through rough and tumble life. We are often so effective at unplugging the
connection to our emotions that we even convince ourselves that we don't
have them. But we would be colossally wrong.
As an INTP, you must never go down the road of thinking you lack normal
emotions. To do so is avoidance and denial. As long as you refuse to
address the reality of your emotions, you, my friend, are lost and beyond
hope.
What Happens When the Storms are Huge and Long, Long, Loooooooong
I have written before to give you emergency strategies on how to stop the
mind-churn, the toxic thoughts, and how to overcome acute emotional pain
and stress. This article is different. What happens when you find yourself
in a much longer and grinding slog.
Maybe it's the kind of thing more common in someone later in life. Like me
at 45. The more fiery tribulations of my younger INTPs brothers and sisters
tend to be quasi-judgmental. Black and white. Seen and dismissed.
But overly quick, logical solutions are often misguided, because they are
founded on incomplete information or blindness. We make little
mathematical errors that accumulate. Those fractions and remainders have
a way of coalescing and germinating. They grow into colder climates of icy,
enduring tortures. For me, the cold war broke out from a deep and hidden
conflict between two warring sides within me.
You will probably face your own flavor of conflict, based on what you've
suffered and what haunts you. That part is personal to you. Our grand
INTP encyclopedias-of-everything can be a potent enemy here. Why?
Because the importance of everything grows the more you understand.
Problems don't just skim on the surface anymore, rising and falling beneath
the waves. These days, I don’t see transient little problems that get cut
down with my sharp sword of intellect. I see problems now with layers
upon layers of complexity. Unsolvable puzzles that push to the limits of my
abilities. Beyond them. My brain can't hold and order it all anymore. The
structures have reached the limits of my competence. It's like holding too
many things in my arms. No sooner do I bend down to pick something else
up, when I drop something I was already holding.
What are my two warring sides?
Let's climb into the boxing ring.
In the red corner, we have the part of me that has always felt isolated and
alone, even in the midst people. You aren't literally alone, but the
"togetherness" you feel is simply made up of people needing you. To make
decisions. To be the spark. To be the last word and the vision. That part
of me wants to be happy for once. That part of me wants to be understood
and to have someone stand by my side. Just one person. That's all that
part of me wants.
In the blue corner is the part of me that has always been looked to as the
stable one, the wise one. That part of me didn't have a normal childhood,
because both of my parents had traumas and issues of their own. When
my father became mentally and physically ill, I became the parentified
child. The teenager who had to be the parent of his parents. That part of
me feels calm and safety when putting others ahead of myself. Even a kind
of pleasure when I take care of them. That part of me feels good being the
rock in the storm. That part of me is the selfless protector. (But now I
suspect that the calm and happiness I feel is just a form of relief . Because
if I fixed the world around me, the world could no longer be threatening and
unpredictable.)
So the war happens when my protector side is tired and wants to stop
because it is making the "true" me unhappy. But if I stop being selfless and
the rock in the storm, then all of the people who rely on me will darken and
blame and attack me. Which in turns makes me feel viciously guilty (or
afraid?). Even if they have no right to demand from me, or take from me, I
still feel guilty stopping.
It creates an impossibility. I can't embrace one way of being without
violating the other.
I've tried to navigate these inevitable collisions. I've tried to delve to
profound depths in order to understand each side, both on an intellectual
level and an emotional level. I've gathered many insights and many points
of wisdom. But ultimately, the two still clash. Do I become the highly
regarded warrior who is miserable and lost inside? Or do I become the
fully realized individual, but judged and punished for no longer giving what
so many have come to expect from me?
Maybe some of you out there in middle age feel a similar rift within
themselves. Like plate tectonics. Two continents grinding out colossal
quakes that tear apart the earth where they meet.
The Fatal Path of Hopelessness
So let's say that you are in the midst of a long, long grinding battle between
you and the other you (whoever that may be). Or between you and the
world. The grind is painful. Sometimes you feel hopeless. Maybe you feel
so entirely hopeless that you don't really (if you're being honest with
yourself) see much point in going on with life at all. If you rise up to fight,
the emotional storms strike you down. So you linger… Churning. Getting
nowhere. Wasting away.
How do you change? How do you overcome a long, painful path? How do
you endure long enough to emerge finally on the other side?
Clouds.
That's the answer.
The magic of clouds.
Beating the Storm: See Each Cloud, Not the Storm, and Watch it Drift By,
By, By
What is a cloud, you ask?
A cloud is a strong emotion that moves in. And for INTPs still in denial, let
me explain that by emotion, I mean that physical sensation that is anti-
calm, that speeds you up, that makes your heart beat faster, that makes
you feel trapped, like SOMETHING IS WRONG, like SOMETHING HAS TO BE
DONE. That particular emotion is anxiety. It is cold sweat. It is
DIScomfort. It is the biological urge to fight or take flight.
These negative emotions tend to be our undoing. Why? Because more
than anything, we don't want them around. We leap up in the effort to "fix"
them and make them go away.
But emotions are not indications of fact. They aren't information that must
be acted on. They reflect all sorts of things. Yes, there is some fact within
them. But there are also influences of old traumas, the press of old
patterns, and even a reflection of your physical state, such as whether
you've gotten enough sleep or are hungry.
Emotions need exactly two things from us as INTPs.
Even after I tell you, you will fail to provide these two things without
practice. Trust me.
So listen very very very carefully and understand that what I'm about to
ask of you goes against your nature.
First, You Need to Acknowledge the Emotion When it Arrives
You might think this first task, acknowledging an emotion, is so elementary
that you do it naturally. But I assure you that you don't. Your first goal
when feeling an emotion is to make it go away , which is the opposite of
accepting it. As an INTP, you identify important information, you analyze it,
and you act. But in the wheelhouse of an emotion, you are doing all of
that under stress and with faulty logic. What I want you to do is look up at
the stormy sky and see the dark cloud there. The emotion. Say to yourself,
oh, look, there is a negative emotion. I'm feeling that right now. Yes, I feel
it. I accept that I am feeling upset right now. And I know that although I
am upset, it will pass. When it does, I will no longer feel upset. Nothing is
wrong .
When you accept that the emotion exists, you don't fight it.
You allow yourself to feel something without trying to fix it.
Second, You Need to Let that Emotion Drift With the Wind and Float By
You have now acknowledged in emotion and allowed it to exist. Since you
have not jumped into emergency action to fix it, you have already achieved
a certain distance from it. You can put your life and reality on one side and
the emotion on the other. They are separate. The emotion exists in a
different world. Emotion is your physical state. It is a temporary pain that
will pass soon.
So now you are standing with your feet on the ground, and up above you
that separate, passing emotion is floating over you in the form of a cloud.
Try this.
As you say to yourself, yes, that is interesting, I feel that. It is an emotion
that I am experiencing…
…watch the cloud (and emotion) continue to move with those prevailing
winds…
…watch it slide…
… onward in the direction of the breeze…
…then toward the horizon…
…then very far away from you…
…then gone.
Take a deep breath. Feel the calm and ease and lack of tension in your
muscles.
Wow.
What did you just do?
You allowed an emotion to exist, you validated it, and you understood that it
was apart from you, not interwoven into your core being and logic. You felt
the separateness, then you let that emotion pass by and leave you.
Feels good, no?
And it is healthy, because denying emotions, or being blind to them, tortures
you and causes dreadful mistakes. It causes you to spiral deeper into a
terrible kind of self-cannibalism. You cannot afford any of that when you
are on a long, arduous road. Not if you have any hope of survival.
It's All About Endurance--Big Problems Take Time and Muddy, Messy
Solutions
When the magnitude of the challenges facing you grows and the complexity
overwhelms your capabilities, you must find a way to survive the long
road. Otherwise, fatigue and hopelessness will be your undoing.
To survive requires that the toll on your body and psyche be reduced. That
is where the techniques of this article come into play. Try turning those
recurring, painful emotions into mere clouds in the sky. Let them exist, let
them have their moment. Then, let them pass you by.
Those huge problems you are facing now are a measure less terrible.
Get some rest.
Do something that makes you happy.
You have another day of battling ahead of you, so recover your strength for
coming challenges.
And be well, my friends.
ii.

But Aren't INTPs Cold

and Detached from
Emotion?

On Being an INTP
Woman

Love...Is Something
Wrong with Me?

hyperMindfulness

INTP Encyclopedia

But Aren't INTPs Cold and Detached from Emotion?

Ofelia writes:
I can share so many things about this subject. It's a myth that INTPs are
cold and insensitive. Actually, it is the other way around--a highly sensitive
person withdraws from all possible disturbing external stimuli in order to
protect himself or herself from over-stimulation. overstimulation causes us
to become extremely neurotic, irrational, and incompetent. We feel unable to
handle a few stupid emotions. We feel vulnerable, exposed, pathetic, and this
feeling is terrible for an INTP to experience. We rely on competence. We
need to feel confident, capable, and in control.
There was a time in my life when I became completely isolated, and people
felt like poison. I perceived them like overcharged beings, carrying the
poison of multiple emotions. I can feel other people's emotions and that
bothers me, so I keep my distance to not to feel overcharged with alien
emotional material that is not even my problem. There are a lot of people
who think they are rationals, and they openly brag about their coldness and
lack of emotional responses. They don’t admit this important part (highly
sensitive) because it is like admitting I am vulnerable, I am a nerve-wreck.
It’s like saying “let’s get the job done, so I can go home and fall apart in
peace…drained, completely drained."
Emotions have been a real problem to me, not because of their absence, but
because of their intrusiveness. I feel too much! And I don’t know how to
handle it, so I become extremely analytical. My mind won’t stop analyzing
each single feeling. It is exhausting!
Let me recommend a good book about the subject: The Highly Sensitive
Person by Elaine Aaron. Another scientific explanation to high
sensitivity. It's fascinating and invigorating. I hope this can bring some light
to my fellow INTPs. Don’t sink in your own turbulence by ignoring it. Try to
embrace emotion so you can understand it and control it. Self-awareness is
key!

On Being an INTP Woman

Amy responds to another INTP woman who has not felt rewarded by
sharing her emotions, and nows sometimes feels inadequate when pushed
to express emotions:
I hate to think of INTP females feeling inadequate as women. This is
something I have put quite a few years of thought and research into as far
as being an INTP, being a female thinker, and being feminine. INTP women
can have the best of both worlds because we are rational and logical (which
is really cool and makes life so simple if we can just accept that we don't
work like traditional/stereotypical women and that’s totally okay) and still
have most of the female biological instincts.
So here is the second thing to accept and embrace while being both
feminine and logical. We have this neat window between Thinking and
Feeling, like standing in a doorway and being able to see into either room.
We might like one room much better then the other but can have views of
the other side and sometimes visit as we become more comfortable with
our overall selves. Being a thinker gives us the gift of being able to pick
which room or in-between where most female feelers I have encountered
don't have that gift. They have others, just not this one.
I don't know how other INTP women view this (as I don't know any) and it
might not be true or work for them but this is what has helped me have
enjoyment and be comfortable with my personality as a woman and with
the expression of emotions.

Love...Is Something Wrong with Me?

Ashley writes:
Do you think, if we are always changing who we are based on new facts,
can we ever sincerely invest ourselves wholeheartedly in a relationship? If
our thoughts and perspective are always growing, how do we keep from out
growing relationships? Do we out grown people easily? Do we move on
without giving it thought?
I've tried to look into this, to find a mold that fits 'me', with no luck. I
honestly do not understand the emotional aspect of INTP. Do we simply not
care what feelings have to offer? Are we scared of them? Do we experience
them more objectively? Do we find them pointless because they are passing
with our mood? Are we really oblivious to others feelings or do we just not
care that they have them? What rule do they really have in our lives?
Can INTPs love in an enduring way? If so, what do we love? That's your
real question, right? You're asking whether lasting, romantic love can really
be held and nurtured by INTPs, or are they so askew when it comes to
emotions and our evolving nature that love will always wither in our
hands? If we are always changing based on our growing understanding of
the world, if we will always seek the new challenge and the next question,
how can we possibly stay in one lasting relationship?
The truth is that we as INTPs do care. We do reciprocate. We do invest
ourselves. So why does it feel so tortured and hard? The key is that for love
to really explode, two people have to love the same or similar things. And
INTPs seem to love something that most others don't.
Do you know the old saying that half of the fun is getting there? For INTPs,
the getting there is almost all the fun. INTP is about a process for
interfacing with the world. A posture. A particular set of actions and skills
that we rely on. Imagine INTP like a traveling companion. INTP will have
quickly and efficiently weighed and made decisions about many, many
aspects the trip. The type of vehicle and why. What would maximize the
route. The general plan for how often to get gas. What kind of restaurants
and when. What the goal is. How best to reach it. However, INTPs are not
hyper-organizers or list makers, but rather people who think about the
fundamental nature of things. With that knowledge, INTPs then have
comfort that in any particular situation, they will have a clear, calm, and
controlled response. We have no need for lists, because of how easily we
process and hold this type of information in our heads.
For INTPs, the particular place we're going at any given moment is not
what we love the most. What we really love is the basket of skills and
actions and decisions that go into achieving goals. That's why we throw
ourselves totally into something, reach competency, then move on to
something else. It we were all about the goal, we wouldn't move on. On the
other hand, if we were about dreaming of possibilities without any real drive
to achieve them, we would never reach competence. INTP nature is like
collecting an awesome set of tools. Once we have them, we want to get out
there and use them.
I do think that INTPs can love just as wildly and lastingly as any romance
novel. However, we want a partner who can appreciate the tools and play
with us. It feels safe and easy and exciting. We can accomplish more
together, share some of the burdens. What we're doing on any given day
and sundry disagreements that we may have are not very important to us if
we have that partner in crime who knows where we are coming from, and
how we get to where we're going. In a nutshell, INTP is more about the
HOW than the WHAT. The WHY for INTPs is our faith in objective truth and
measurable competence.
The confusion you feel is simply due to a conflict in love languages. What it
feels like to be around people who don't love what you do. Yes, we know
that INTPs struggle to deal with the rise and fall of emotions, but that isn't
the core problem. The conflict of love languages only makes the emotional
ups and downs more stormy. And as we know, we aren't super good at
dealing with that. The situation can get very pained and dysfunctional and
complex as we try to suppress our "dangerous" emotions and use our
rationality to solve problems that really have an emotional,
not intellectual basis.
The bottom line is INTPs are entitled to love what they want to love. If
they're not finding it, the people they are with aren't resonant enough.

hyperMindfulness
Anna asks:
First, how do you see hypermindfulness playing out in a relationship? I can
see a scenario where an INTP's spouse came up and was excited about
something, and then the INTP squashed that excitement by maintaining
their remove and analyzing the topic to death. But this seems more like a
general problem than a romantic problem. What other issues does
hypermindfulness create that are specific to the context of an intimate
relationship? Another thought is that you might consider renaming
"hypermindfulness"; hyper- usually implies overuse rather than poor use,
which I think is what you're getting at here. Just a thought.
I do think of this concept in the category of over use, not poor use. Seen
from the other side of the coin, we just don't know when to quit sometimes.
Most personality types don't share our drive to observe/analyze, observe/
analyze, observe/analyze. In the context of love, supporting the other
person and feeling supported in return are essential elements of a long term
relationship. If a spouse can't share his or her passions, if that sharing is
closed off, then distance, resentment, and walls will result. These can easily
grow, spreading the poison. Of course, this problem would also be pertinent
to friendships and family relationships. In love, however, the
hyperMindfulness problem can have much more catastrophic consequences.
How else does hyperMindfulness play out in love? By seeking to attach
importance to everything. When every conversation, every emotion, every
fight and bad mood potentially changes the INTP's entire view of the
relationship (i.e., the "truth" of it), you create an impossible standard. Under
that kind of pressure, nothing is going to last. It can't survive the scrutiny.
Sooner or later, a series of events and observations are going to lead you to
label the relationship as inadequate or erroneous, probably from the very
beginning. You will rewrite your entire conceptualization of the relationship
based on your progressive gathering of information.
Again, this level of mindfulness simply won't support a long term
relationship. We need to learn to set mindfulness aside at times. We need to
enjoy basic moments of existence and feelings. We need to use these later
as evidence when our mindfulness returns and once again wants to label
the relationship a lost cause. Bottom line, when you find yourself gathering
a body of negative facts and judgments about your relationship, ask
yourself, is this course going to make me happy? Is this course going to
leave me better off? Try to put on the brakes now and again. INTPs are
famous from moving from thing to thing, reaching a certain point of
understanding, then moving on. We are wired to treat relationships the same
way. But we have a choice. We just have to realize that we are empowered
to make it.

INTP Encyclopedia
Anns asks :
Could you expand on the INTP encyclopedia concept? While I get vibes of
truth off of the paragraph above, I am not reaaally able to link the principles
to incidents in my own life yet.
When we observe and analyze, we then *remember*. That's really the key
point. It doesn't flutter away. How many times have you been talking to
another person and you find yourself saying, well, we talked about this a
year ago, and you said X. When you said that, that meant this, that, and the
other thing. So I did Y, and I've been doing Y this whole last year because
that is what you asked me to do. So I don't understand your question now,
a year later. We already covered this....
The person then looks at you like you have three heads. The only word they
can seem to muster is, what??? None of this information and analysis stuck
with them. They don't remember it. Even if they thought that way a year
ago, it's long gone ago. We remember, however, and change our behavior
based on what we remember. In stress situations, we tend to be fighting
battles that the other person is not even able to conceptualize. They are
talking about today. We are talking about a year ago and everything in
between.