I remember seeing her for the first time on that island.

I could tell with a glance that she,

like all of us, had been through too much already. I wasn’t sexually attracted to her as much as I
was drawn to her because she was like me: a child given too much responsibility too young. I
too was told to watch over my little brother. It wasn’t that I didn’t love my brother, I just didn’t
like him sometimes. He was my best friend, my responsibility, and also my crutch. She and I
bonded over that.

“Opal is just so needy sometimes. But she’s my best friend. I want her around all the
time but when we’re together I can’t wait to be alone just for a moment, you know?”

“Ya, I know. You don’t have to explain that shit to me.”

She gestures for me to pass her the bottle. E&J. It was all I knew. It wasn’t even good.
But it made me feel power. My dad always had one around, right next to his bat. Part of me
thought that if I could finish a bottle, I could find the strength at the bottom to do something.

We locked eyes as she passed the bottle back. Her eyes were unlike any I’ve ever seen. I
was lost in their story. Then she kissed me. Soft at first and then increasing intensity. Part of me
felt I should stop her. She was drunk. But I couldn’t. It felt better than anything I had every felt
before. It seemed like for once I wasn’t trapped. Trapped in the life my dad chose for me.
Trapped in the role of a father to my little brother when all I wanted was to be normal,
whatever the fuck that means.

“What the fuck Harvey!”

“What…what did I do?”

“You piece of shit what do you think?! I don’t even fucking know you!”

“Jacquie I’m sorry I thought it was ok I thought-“

“What? That I wanted to go all the way? Fuck you!”

That was it. She stormed off. I’m not gonna sit here in front of all you and pretend it was
an accident. Or even lower that it was somehow her fault. That shit is weak. No it was all me.
What’s worse is I kept doing it, hoping to feel the same way I did that night. When I finally grew
the fuck up and realized what a piece of shit I had been, I searched for it at the bottom of a
bottle. I guess I’m done.