Into the grandiosity

I had a gun in my hand, aimed to the side of the brain. My name is Fiero, and I was alive. Someone...
please remember me.

Should I go with the wind?

I was proud for living; I wanted to tell my grandchildren one day that living was the second-best choice in
life if they were in my situation.

Tsk, I'm doing a service for the country and my parents.

I pulled the trigger, it hit a bird that was perching on a tree near me. The bird’s nature of freedom bugged
me off to the point I decided to do that. At first, guilty washed over me for killing an innocent being.
Somehow, the guilt only lasted for a minute.

As pathetic as it sounded, I validated the act due to envy of birds being able to fly freely and seeing it
continuously bleeding was like seeing my depressing thoughts flowing out of me. Thanks to that sick
moment, I gained the will to live. With the small amount of humanity left in me, I shot the bird again to
end its suffering.

Everything is a matter of perspective. I viewed the death of the bird as a sign that in order to gain
something, a sacrifice is needed.

**********

Devthrils, my country, had a system where people were named after their greatest achievement. The
names hold a great deal of power for influencing your whole life and even your family members’.
Nepotism, or in another word, favoritism, was practised intensely to let the rich families’ bag secured for
generations. Meanwhile, the middle and low class were brainwashed to tend to the high class.

I’m 22 years old and was nameless since I was born. Others called me whatever they want, curse word or
even numbers. As long as you were nameless and born in a family with ordinary titles or no official name,
you had no right to tell others what you should be called. Despite that, people who still had a considerate
amount of respect would call me by my family’s name, Alekseev.

In my situation, I like to call myself Fiero which means pride. Sort of, to feel like a somebody instead of
nobody. That I had something to be proud of and that was for living, my greatest achievement- so far. It
held a huge meaning to me because I just had to hang in there while carrying my pride. If I were to give
up, then all my efforts of trying to break the mold of the society would be wasted.

You have read the part where I considered to shoot myself. With no context, it definitely sounded like I
was being dramatic over life problems. Right now, I'm trying to narrate this autobiography in the best way
to explain my decisions in life.
 **********

Running with no destination in mind was like running in circle. I’m tired of living in the toxic
environment I used to. Back in my ‘humble’ middle class neighborhood, collectivism made us all
cooperate together to make sure we look like we are separated from the poor. Yet, we will still wipe the
asses of the people with names a.k.a those with high class.

Everyone shoved that mindset onto me.

Every week on Saturdays, a gathering was held to ‘strengthen’ our brotherhood bond. Bullshit, they did
that just to purely boast about the connections they had with the high class. When I was a teenage, they
held me longer at the gathering with other children that showed signs of rebelling. We had to sit in the
middle of the room while the adults stood at the sides of the room, constantly being reminded of our
position in the hierarchy.

It made my blood run cold listening to the words that were spat out. Everyone there besides the
‘rebelling’ children and I, had a deep insecurity of how we could shake the system, so they tried their best
to brainwash us to the core.

“Suck my ass or suck it up”. A popular slogan created decades ago to keep the nobles of the society warm
and comfy. The board members of the college studied at used that slogan to justify their decision of
kicking out all the students from a plain family background.

As one of the victims of those bastards, they had the audacity to strip my diploma after having to wait for
extra three years compared to other students. I was deemed as a waste of time as three generations of my
family were all nameless, so I could not offer benefits to the college because of favoritism.

They said if your parents were stupid, you will be just as stupid your parents.

Outrageous, I ran away from home determined to kill myself with a gun I found deep in the storage of my
house. My patience ran low as my abilities were overlooked by my background; and my pride was
threatened.

Everyone there was toxic, ready to pull me down when I wanted to climb to the top. With no one to share
my feelings, I bottled things up inside even when I knew the bottle was small and the feelings, mainly
disappointment, were as vast as the sea.

I grew up thinking that love was a luxury. No one loved me for who I was. Not even my family.

**********

11 pm, drunk at a cheap restaurant in a city I know nothing of. Laughing as I order another shot of alcohol
before crying as I drink the shot. Checking my phone that was not on silent mode; what am I expecting?
That my parents would come beg me to come back home?

Running away from home and settling at another state of the country after days of travelling really
changed my life; I've done nothing but drinking and sleeping at the restaurant, just less productive. “More
shots!” I wailed to the restaurant owner despite being a lightweight drinker. Not every day I could be this
miserable.

“No, don’t give him any more” a slightly husky voice echoed.

“Mind your own business, bitch,” I was a bit tipsy when I said that, forgetting that I sighed for human
interaction just a few minutes ago.

Two figures came to sit across me, they both were smirking and one of them eyed me inquisitively. “Oh
my, why so miserable?” the woman’s voice suddenly turned from husky to honeyed, pretending to care
about my wellbeing.

The man beside her seemed a bit uncomfortable for a second “Get to the point. We can’t stay here long”.

She glanced at him with gloomy expression before looking back at me with round studious eyes “You’re
an outsider, right? Outsiders typically come here for one thing, to start a new life. Or to end one. If you’re
here for something new, I have something to offer to you”.

I snorted with laughter “Do I look that desperate just because I'm drinking a lot? What kind of something
can you offer me that I would accept it?”.

The man glared at the restaurant staffs, gesturing for an alone time among us three. They shuffled to the
back of the kitchen looking alarmed. “Are you interested in being a decoy?”.

“Woah there, man. I don’t know how you would ask a stranger to be a decoy when you barely know that
person. If I don’t look desperate then I must look damn charming to be offered that kind of job”.

Slowly, his body posture became more open “Then how bout we introduce ourselves to each other? I’m
Shaheen; falcon in Persian. This is Claire or officially Clairvoyant. And yes, these are our official
names”.

“A falcon and a clairvoyant, both of you must be in the supernatural field” I spun an empty bottle of beer
in the middle of the table as though we are in a game. “I guess I can't properly introduce myself; I don’t
have a name” my lips pouted.

Out of the sudden, Claire gripped the hand that I used to spin the bottle. “Listen, just like Roshanferr, we
live in community here”. Claire whispered in her voice that turned husky back “So you have to contribute
something or we will have to dispose you back to where you came from”.

“Roshanferr?” Intimidated, I pulled the gun I had brought along the journey mindlessly. It was foolish of
doing so when a man called falcon was just a few feet away from me.

He disarmed me in just a swipe and the gun was then kept warmly in his jacket. “Huh, you don’t know?
There are two sides of Devthrils. Roshanferr, the bright hell, where you came from. And Ahncel, the
hidden heaven, the place we are in now,” Aren replied.
“I don’t know what you motherfuckers want from me- but I'm not gonna join you. Like I said, mind your
own business”. They both sounded nuts. Never in my life have I heard of those places. Trusting them
would just be another unwise decision.

On my way to exit the restaurant, the calm Claire shoot her last shot to bait me “Professor Eldridge,
kicked you out of your college. Madam Zaha, abused your childhood friend to the point that he died from
it. She also looked at you like a piece of worthless shit who was too dirty to befriend her son”. A long
pause thickened the environment “Aren’t you interested to avenge them? Show them what karma
means?”

Claire knew my nickname, my professor and my friend’s mum; enough to send shivers down my spine.
“What can you do to them?” My mind and my heart were a mess. One told me to stop, one told me to do
it.

Shaheen coughed to mask his giggle “Just bait them with something without them realizing. The rest of
the story is up to you. You can torture them whatsoever, we’re not judgemental”.

I already knew I'm going to hell.

It was to go big or go home.

**********

Three years later, working with Claire and Shaheen was an interesting life experience under Adelram (a-
dehl-ram), the leader of the community, one of the top powerful leaders in Ahncel. Due to the fact that I
was casted by Claire, Adel and I were close as Claire was his secretary and he trusted her fully in her
intuition.

As a decoy, I have pretended to be a medical staff, businessman, bodyguard et cetera. My role was just to
bait the victims to believing my fake identity before they meet their fate set up by my business partners.
The best moment was baiting Professor Eldridge. It was my personal request just like what Claire
suggested four years ago. Needless to say, it costed a lot of money. But I was satisfied with the results
which was more than enough.

My team worked on my appearance so no one knew who I was besides our team. Claire predicted things
would go as plan, and it did. I came to Eldridge’s house with Shaheen as a decoy police assigned to
interrogate his family for evidences an incident in the neighborhood. We made sure all the CCTVs inside
were cut off, doors locked and then knock them out with chloroform.

Later, Angelica and Marquis came to do what we called a ‘fun service’. Angelica, was my partner in
crime, meanwhile in our personal life, she was my sweetheart. Despite being angelic most of the time, she
could turn into Demonica if you get on her bad side, which Professor Eldridge did to me. Meanwhile
Marquis was a sadistic and was named after Marquis De Sade, the person who inspired the term sadism.
Both of them played with Eldrigde’s family- using daggers. They threw the daggers like darts to his
family which was forced to be the dartboard. Things seemed ordinary to me after adjusting myself with
the constant moments of seeing people being tortured.

I joined them when they played the eraser game, which was a popular children’s game but was considered
lethal. With the tip of a burning cigarette instead of an eraser, we traced the word we chose on the skin of
the Eldridge’s family. The person with the deepest wound won, which was Marquis and his victim, the
poor man’s granddaughter.

As soon as we were satisfied, their lifeless body burned into ashes. I thought I would spare Eldridge to let
him live with the grim memory, but just like the bird I shot, it was better to end him at that exact moment.

**********

Gradually, I couldn’t help but notice that my close colleagues were acting awkward around me after five
years of our friendship and professional relationship. They often gave one-word answers, which irked me
because of how our communication seemed to worsen without a proper reason.

I had a hunch they were hiding something from me; and by them I meant Angelica, Claire and Shaheen.
Marquis, on the other hand, that man was quite useless when it came to getting information. Knowing
how irresponsible he was sometimes, no one would trust him with secrets.

“Why are you avoiding me?” I asked Angie. Despite sleeping in the same bed, we felt like ghosts. Our
relationship started to turn vague at the same point. “Are you and the others planning something that has
to do with me”.

“Go to sleep, Fiero”.

I was torn whether to push her to reveal the reason, or to drop the topic. Considering it was the fifth time I
asked her ever since, it seemed as though she would persist zipping her mouth.

The sleepless nights I went through, there were muffled weeps coming from Angie at certain times. My
body itched to wrap around hers and soothe her down. However, I couldn’t bring myself to do it as my
feelings were slowly but surely evaporating.

After the years of bottling things up inside, I knew it would cause a huge toll to me. For this reason, I
broke up with her after months of the emotional exhaustion. Her scorn face and reply vexed me for days
“I hope you could look out for yourself, before you start causing a trouble with others”.

As soon as she packed her belongings and left our apartment, I threw a vase that I cared so dearly to the
wall. The vase reminded me of my mother, whom I tried to care but, in the end, everything was a waste
for the one-sided love.

Who the hell do you think you are to say that? Why are you blaming me while you’re pretending to be
the victim when I have done nothing wrong?
She was my first love. Still, if she came back to me, I wouldn’t agree to continue our chapter when we
chose it to end.

As now you’re just another story I can’t tell anymore.

**********

A year later I finally had an official name, Cameron. I didn’t care if it was based off chameleon; being
able to play different types of role required intensive acting classes. It took five years as I was too focused
on keeping myself and the people around me together, while also keeping my performance steady.

Things were quite hectic the past few years in my personal life, just because I was flurried with the reason
of why everyone seemed to give me a stinky eye. It felt just like being in my hometown in Roshanferr
again.

Then, I made new ‘friends’ to draw a veil on my antisocial behaviour. This time, I was pickier in
choosing friends to avoid the same thing happening. They didn’t have strong positions in the community,
still, what mattered the most was that they would be easy to control.

Moreover, I had become more active in our business service in order to gain the best the employee of the
month award. Yes, we still had employee of the month, with our competition being more aggressive. To
climb to the top meant my performance had to outstand Shaheen and Marquis’.

Shaheen, being a detailed person, gave him an advantage to be calculated on what was need to be done
when I could be puzzled on the other hand. Marquis, just like me, also participated in a lot of the services.
A tough rival, that sadist was immensely passionate in his job so I had to catch up behind him from a
different type of work.

After putting much work, Adel finally saw my outstanding performance, granting me the employee of the
month title and a high position that only the top five could gain. He had to kick Angelica out of the high
position which she didn’t deserve it from the start. Her convincing technique of sweet talking both our
community and the socialites just made her influencing.

Looking back, we were both manipulative in our own way.

**********

You are gone and you are not coming back, but I remember everything. That was what written on a
card in a bouquet of red and pink flowers, placed gently on my table. “The fuck is this? A joke?” I looked
around my colleagues for an explanation that it was their idea for a prank.

Why would she send me this? I thought. The only person who would do this was probably Angelica, but I
knew better not to be emotionally and physically attached with her anymore. No one else would send me
that on my table unless they were in the community.

Madrina, my co-worker who shared the same office room with me and Marquis, chortled seeing my
expression. She came to my table to offer an explanation “Y’know my parents used to grow flowers,
beside marijuana. These are anemones, they kind of symbolize forgotten love. With the message in the
card, who else would send you that?”

“Awww; Angie is sad that Adel kicked her and replaced you instead. You should go console her, Cam,” a
mocking laugh burst from Marquis. He definitely was enjoying my relationship drama with her.

Disgusted, I threw the bouquet into the trash can. I’m not that cheap and easy for you to pick me up like
that. “She can just be someone else’s whore and I’d literally give no fuck”.

“Madrina, I need the same amount of coke for this month. Put it under my name.” Madrina was a drug
dealer, just like the woman she was named after. I was more than glad to be in the same office as her and
Marquis. They didn’t claim to have a positive side to themselves. Unlike Claire and Shaheen, whom often
condemned about certain things like preachers because it seemed to be against their beliefs while
sounding hypocritical.

Meanwhile, the coke was used in the services to lure the victims into being dependent on drugs and later
expose them to the police for their illegal recreational use. This type of service was meant for a long term
and also an easier way to abuse them without dirtying our hands with blood.

It was my idea, and Adel was fond with how it made a rapid growth for our business. Ever since then, he
treated me like the co-president even if it was never official.

Also, the increase in my power gave me the advantage to manipulate a lot of people as my influence had
its own credibility. My influence widened across the whole country under different names to conceal my
actual personal information. They would do as I say even if it meant I have to sweet-talk or go with the
hard way by asking assistance from Marquis.

Thankfully, most of them weren’t stubborn as a mule. I even managed to manipulate Shaheen which took
years. Claire on the other hand definitely saw my plan and decided to stay low, she wasn’t as bright as I
was besides having sixth sense to foresee the future. Just like that, I outdid nearly everyone.

Only one left, Adel.

**********

People in Ahncel worshipped me as an idol. For I had climbed my way on top by eliminating Adel and
other powerful leaders here in just a matter of six years. My rise in power started with Adel’s health
worsening ever since I constantly drugged him without his awareness with the help of Madrina. Leading
me to step up and be in control for one of the biggest communities in Ahncel.

Adel had no support with Claire surprisingly being daunted by my multiple threatens to shut her from
stepping up to stop me. I actually expected her to be a bit courageous to follow her intuition and rebel
against me. Nevertheless, his trust issues lead him to depression with the drug still being active in his
body. Later, he died from stroke.
“You’re not smarter than me, but I know you know better than to cross the line I draw, hmm?” I circled
around her like a predator to further strengthen my menacing vibe. We were talking in the president’s
room, which used to be Adel’s and later, mine.

“Don’t worry, I know what I should and shouldn’t do,” she paused for a moment before continuing “This
is the reason why Angie, Shaheen and I avoided you these past few years”.

Her reply caught me alarmed “What? You saw the future three years ago and you told them. Then you
guys decided to ghost me because y’all are pussies? Oh you can’t even confront to me about it!” I roared
and slammed her against the wall.

Horror-struck, she could only stare at me with frightened eyes. I let out a roll of joint and lighted it to
calm myself down, then took a huge puff and exhaled to her face. “Oh, you must have wished you have
never known me. But, now…. I’m gonna engrave my name, my face into your mind, and everyone
else’s,”.

**********

Cameron Kezelo Alekseev, the chameleon manipulator; but more famously known as Kezelo out of all
my aliases. Since my exposure widened, I couldn’t stay lowkey to be a decoy. Therefore, I pursued other
fields such as illegal drug trades together with Madrina, racketeering and counterfeiting money.

In case you don’t know, a racket is when the criminal creates a problem for others for the purpose of
solving that problem by some type of bribery. Just like that, I became the puppet master to the higher ups
in Devthrils.

Also, I managed to wreck the lives of the people on my enemy list. My parents, Madam Zaha and
Angelica; they were sentenced in a special house to be under my close watch. The treatment there was
definitely dreadful, but what did I care? The word empathy no longer exists in my dictionary.

Maybe if they were nicer to me back then, this wouldn’t happen at all. Oh how the tables have turned, I
no longer looked inferior in their eyes.

Thanks to Angie’s idea of sending me the flower bouquet, I sent black roses every month to all of them.

With a card written “May you live and die in peace/piece”.

**********

Punishment awaits all offenses

Everything was coming to an end. Even to the day of my execution, I was still mystified. I forgot that
karma would still come chasing me even when I would be the most powerful person in the world.
Without my knowledge, Devthrils had been working with several international intelligent agencies to
drag me down and my legacy.

Pretty much, I underestimated that this country still had intellectuals in the higher ups and fame went to
my head, resulting me to be callous about my decisions and security. I was absorbed in the delusion that
the universe revolved around me.
Marquis, Madrina and I were punished under a public execution. Meanwhile, Shaheen was sentenced in
jail for a long term as he wasn’t that inclusive in heavy crimes compared to us three.

I tried to fight my way out with a lawyer that has freed multiple criminals with heavy charges. Things
backfired as my crimes were too obvious. Thanks to the narcissistic grandiosity in me, I displayed my
achievements in the black market recklessly to increase my sense of superiority.

On the day of the execution, the three of us finally saw each other’s faces. Frankly, I was honored to die
with them as were in this together as it was a ride or die. Ten years and we risked everything. So, my last
words were to honor our friendship. Before the platform would open and drop me to suffocation.

“Any last words?” the faceless executioner glared at me, but under his mask I could see his gleeful
expression. When you’re used to seeing fake people who wear masks every day, like me, you would be
able to see what’s under it.

I guess the time spent in the prison wasn’t that bad, a book of Chinese proverbs from the library in the
prison kept me company most of the time. I picked up a proverb ‘Men of totally different principles can
never act together’ as my last words which tells us how to choose a true friend, but also advises us to pick
people we can best work and collaborate with.

Hopefully the message was delivered to the public, although I wasn’t expecting most of them to
understand it as traditional literature was an unpopular thing here. However, I knew the press conference
would publish this historical moment and translate the meaning behind it.

For the first time in the last decade, I felt a tiny sense of inferiority.

Then, the platform opened. The noose around my neck tightened. Oxygen felt like a luxury just like love
in my childhood.

Survive! Survive! Survive! I screamed internally for a miracle. My whole life, I imagined myself burning
in hell but- it was too soon for me.

My name is Fiero, and I was alive. Someone... please remember me.