2:14 p.m.

by David Paquet

translated by Chantal Bilodeau

 2 :14 p.m.

A minimum of 6 actors is needed:

3 men, 3 women

Main characters:

Michelle, adult
Dennis, adult
Katrina, teenager
Benjamin, teenager
Jade, teenager
Ethan, teenager

Charles, teenager, voice coming from a radio

Secondary characters:

Teacher
Therapist
Benjamin’s mother
Benjamin’s father
Girls in bikinis
The forest
Humanity
Insults 1 to 22
Mark
Tattoo artist
Doctor
Woman with a tapeworm
Visitors in the museum
Rot
Katrina’s mother
Katrina’s father
Salesman
Compliments 1 to 18
Student who hates spelling tests 1
Student who hates spelling tests 2
A nice girl
Another nice girl
Two nice girls at the same time
Girls in the mud
Psychologists, sexologists, and urologists
Santa Claus
Dumb teenager 1
Dumb teenager 2
Dumb teenager 3

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 2 :14 p.m.

Michelle, wearing a swallow mask, walks toward a radio.

MICHELLE,
I’m not a turtle. Say it to the postman, the cashiers, the neighbors. Say it to the delivery
people, the parents, the pedestrians. But most importantly, say it to the television: I’m not
a turtle. I’m a swallow.

She switches the radio on.

CHARLES, off-stage
Good morning. Welcome to Radio Charlie.

Music. Crescendo.

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 2 :14 p.m.

Musical climax.

KATRINA
Fuck you.

DENNIS
First, it was the lasagna.

BENJAMIN
Two mittens. Four hands.

JADE
32,887 times.

ETHAN
Before, I was normal.

KATRINA
Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.

DENNIS
After the lasagna, it was the shepherd’s pie.

BENJAMIN
That’s happiness: Two mittens. Four hands.

JADE
I heard it 32,887 times.

ETHAN
Before, I was normal. Now I open doors.

KATRINA
I got kicked out of my old school because I hit my Spanish teacher. He said…

TEACHER
¡Hola! ¿Cómo te llamas?

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 2 :14 p.m.

KATRINA
I decided to speak the truth: Me llamo Fuck You. He asked again. I hit him. At my new
school, I have to see a therapist twice a week.

THERAPIST
Tell me how you feel deep down inside…

KATRINA
I said: “My father hates my mother, my mother hates my father, and I hate them both.
Can I leave now?” She suggested I keep a diary. Put my anger down on paper. At my
next appointment, I could read some of what I wrote instead of answering questions. I
thought it was a good idea.

BENJAMIN
Everyone has tried French kissing. Except me. I asked my mother if she thought I’d have
a girlfriend one day. She said…

BENJAMIN’S MOTHER
Honey, you can either be attractive or smart. Consider yourself lucky: you’re the
top of your class!

BENJAMIN
I asked my father if he thought I’d have a girlfriend one day. He said…

BENJAMIN’S FATHER
Don’t worry about that, son. Go mow the lawn.

BENJAMIN
For the longest time, I thought girls were allergic to me. That’s why they didn’t come
close. But one day, I figured it out. They were not allergic. They just were not interested.

ETHAN, sniffs a vial and gets high

I open a door. I’m on top of a mountain. The hottest day of summer. I’m soaking in
honey with lots of girls in bikinis. The girls chant my name...

GIRLS IN BIKINIS
Ethan! Ethan! Ethan!

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 2 :14 p.m.

ETHAN
I strip out of my bathing suit. They cheer. We drink lemonade. I open a door. I’m in the
middle of a forest. The trees have no bark. Only skin. The skin is smooth. Warm. Alive.
The forest chants my name…

THE FOREST
Ethan! Ethan! Ethan!

ETHAN
I open a door. I’m a scalpel. I help women become young and desirable again. I’m
nominated for the Nobel Prize in Big Tits and Luscious Lips. I win. Humanity chants my
name…

HUMANITY
Ethan! Ethan! Ethan!

ETHAN
Everywhere applause. Everywhere cheering crowds. Everywhere… (End of the high.)
I’m in my grandmother’s hospital room... All the doors disappear.

JADE, who has a slim figure

32,887. That’s the number of times I’ve been called fat. I wrote them all down in a
notebook. In 16 notebooks, actually.

INSULT 1
Fat potato!

INSULT 2
Fat face!

INSULT 3
Fat slob!

INSULT 4
Fat ass!

INSULT 5
Fat twit!

INSULT 6
Fat moron!

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 2 :14 p.m.

INSULT 7
Fat blimp!

INSULT 8
Fat lard!

JADE
There are also the ones with animals…

INSULT 9
Fat whale!

INSULT 10
Fat pig!

INSULT 11
Fat cow!

JADE
The ones with curses…

INSULT 12
Fat fuck!

INSULT 13
Fat bitch!

INSULT 14
Fat slut!

JADE
And the ones with words that end in “lee:”

INSULT 15
Fat apple jelly!

INSULT 16
Fat blubber belly!

INSULT 17
Fat ravioli!

JADE
Then, of course, there are combos like…

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 2 :14 p.m.

INSULT 18
Fat fucking…

INSULT 18.5
… pig!

INSULT 19
Fat lard ass…

INSULT 19.5
… bitch!

INSULT 20
Fat face…

INSULT 20.25
… slutty…

INSULT 20.50
… cow…

INSULT 20.75
… with blubber belly!

JADE
And my two special mentions…

INSULT 21
Fat whore pregnant with quintuplets!

JADE
And…

INSULT 22
Fat, fat, too fucking fat to get on a plane!

JADE
32,887, that’s only other people’s insults. When I called myself fat, I didn’t put an X in
my notebook. I would have wasted too much money on pencils.