Cortney Warren On Honest Liars - The Psychology of Self-Deception (Full Transcript)

Cortney Warren on Honest Liars: The Psychology of
Self-Deception (Full Transcript) | 1
Cortney Warren on Honest Liars: The Psychology of Self-Deception at

TEDxUNLV
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sychology-of-self-deception-by-Cortney-Warren-at-TEDxUNLV.mp3
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Cortney Warren – Clinical Psychologist, Researcher, Author
Humans are masters of self-deception. We fool ourselves into believing

things that are false and we refuse to believe things that are true.
I was in graduate school when I really started delving into the topic of self-
deception. And it rocked my world. I saw it everywhere, in everyone.
We lie to ourselves about the smallest details, such as how much we really
ate today, and why we didn’t list our actual height and weight on our
driver’s license.
We lie to reflect our aspirational goals: “I’ll only have one glass of wine
tonight,” — when I know I’m drinking at least three.
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Cortney Warren on Honest Liars: The Psychology of Self-Deception (Full
Transcript) | 1
We lie to uphold social ideals: “I never have sexual thoughts with anyone
except my spouse,” because that wouldn’t be acceptable.
We lie about our most important life choices, such as why we married who
we did, or chose our given career path. Unfortunately, for all the
romantics out there, love is rarely the full motivation for those choices.
Nowhere was self-deception more obvious than in my romantic

relationships. I was terrified of being left. My fear of abandonment led me
to act in ways that are still hard for me to admit — anxiously awaiting a
phone call, driving to see if he was where he said he would be, asking
repeatedly if he loved me. At the time, I couldn’t have told you any of that,
because I wouldn’t have been able to admit it to myself.
At the core, we lie to ourselves because we don’t have enough

psychological strength to admit the truth and deal with the consequences
that will follow.
That said, understanding our self-deception is the most effective way to

live a fulfilling life. For when we admit who we really are, we have the
opportunity to change. It’s hard to look at this photo and think, “Liars!”
But our self-deceptive tendencies start here. From a very early age we
start observing and making conclusions about ourselves and our
environment. Right or wrong, the conclusions we made affected our
identity.
As adults, we will most want to lie about how psychologically painful

realities experienced as children affected who we are today. Perhaps you
were raised in a single parent home, in which you were neglected by your
father. You learned that something was wrong with you — you weren’t
smart enough, attractive enough, athletic enough. You concluded that to
make people love you, you need to be perfect.

Transcript) | 2
As an adult, when someone points out your imperfections, you feel

tremendous anxiety but deny where it comes from. Perhaps you felt ugly
as a child because you were teased for your appearance. You learned to
eat in response to emotional pain. As an adult, you struggle to maintain a
stable weight, because your eating has very little to do with hunger.
Perhaps you watched your parents fight. You learned to avoid conflict.
Now, you struggle to admit even feeling negative emotion. Although each
of our specific childhood learnings will be unique, what we learned will be
exemplified in the lies we tell ourselves as adults.
Psychological theories of human nature can help us understand our self-

deception. Sigmund Freud first described lying through ego-defense
mechanisms: Psychological strategies that protect our egos — our core
sense of self — from information that would hurt us.
Denial: Refusing to believe that something is true, even though it is. “I

don’t have a problem with alcohol,” — even though I drink everyday.
“I’m not jealous,” — even though I secretly check my partner’s email.
ALSO READ: Are We in Control of Our Decisions by Dan Ariely (Full

Transcript)
Rationalization: Creating a reason to excuse ourselves. “I wouldn’t have

yelled at you if you hadn’t treated me so unfairly,” thereby justifying my
yelling.
“I know that smoking isn’t good for my health, but it helps me relax,”
thereby justifying my smoking.
Projection: Taking an undesirable aspect of ourselves and ascribing it to

someone else. “I’m not like that. You’re like that.”

Transcript) | 3
When dating someone you’ve lost interest in, you say things like, “You’re
not ready for this relationship,” when, in fact, you’re not ready for this
relationship and never will be.
Pioneers in the cognitive-behavioral realms describe how our thoughts

deceive us through cognitive distortions — irrational ways we think.
Polarized Thinking: Thinking in extremes. “I will either eat no cookies or

an entire box, because if I eat one cookie, I’ve already blown my diet, so I
might as well keep eating.”
Emotional Reasoning: Thinking that our feelings accurately reflect

reality. “I feel hurt; so you must have done something bad to me.”
“I feel stupid; consequently I am stupid.”
Overgeneralization: Taking a single negative event as an infinite spiral

of defeat. After going through a bad breakup, you think, “I am always
going to be alone.”
After getting denied a promotion at work, you think, “I am never going to

be successful in my career.”
From an existential perspective, we deceive ourselves to avoid the Givens

of Life — the fundamental realities of “being human” that we must face.
Death – we’re all going to die.
Ultimate aloneness — we were born as a single person housed in a

solitary physical body.
Meaninglessness — our lives are inherently meaningless unless we give

them meaning.

Transcript) | 4
And Freedom — we are responsible for ourselves because we have the

freedom of choice.
To avoid confronting these realities, we frequently lie to ourselves: “I am

this way because of my upbringing” — thereby deferring responsibility for
my choices.
“The bad things on the news would never happen to me” — because I am
somehow special, and uniquely protected from harm.
“I’m not going to write a will. I am young. I’m not going to die anyway” —
thereby denying my mortality.
Multicultural and feminist psychologists describe how internalization of

cultural norms affect us. Here, we deceive ourselves by believing what we
were culturally conditioned to believe is true, instead of deciding what we
actually believe is true.
Do you compromise yourself to meet cultural norms? Do you think you

need to look a certain way, be a certain weight, earn a certain income, get
married, have children, be religious because you are supposed to, or
because you believe that it’s right for you?
All of these theories of human nature help us understand how we deceive

ourselves on a daily basis.
Why should you care? Self-deception leads to massive amounts of pain

and regret. To avoid being honest, we frequently make choices with
harmful consequences to ourselves and others — we may use drugs,
alcohol, eat, shop, gamble, steal, lie, leave people or pass our emotional
baggage down to those we love the most. Or, we may choose not to change
even when we are miserable or causing profound harm to those around us.
Looking back at life with regret is incredibly painful, because you can’t

Transcript) | 5
change your choices in the past.
As I’ve shared earlier, I struggled greatly in my romantic relationships. I

knew that I didn’t feel safe, but I believed it was my boyfriend’s fault — if
he just called me more, told me he loved me more, then I would feel safe.
The truth was there was nothing he could do to make me feel safe,
because my feelings had nothing to do with him.
ALSO READ: Full Transcript: Nipun Mehta on Designing for

Generosity at TEDxBerkeley
The reason I didn’t feel safe is that I learned as a child that people would
always leave me, and I lived my life making choices consistent with that
belief. When we don’t take full responsibility for who we are, we hurt
ourselves and everyone around us.
Now what? How do we start acknowledging the lies we tell

ourselves? How do we start becoming more honest liars?
The first step is self-awareness — we become observers of ourselves.

When you have a strong emotional reaction to something, pause. When
what you say doesn’t match how you act, pause. When you’re thinking
irrational thoughts, pause. Ask yourself: What does this say about me?
Similarly, most of us spend a tremendous amount of energy trying to get

over someone or something that happened to us. And we generally avoid
examining our contribution to conflict in our lives. When you are
unresolved about something or someone, pause. Ask yourself: What does
my reaction to this situation say about me?
As we become more honest and aware, we also become more responsible

for our choices. If we admit that we are insecure about something — which

Transcript) | 6
we all are — we’re now confronted with a choice: to work on our

insecurity or not. Whatever we decide, we are now more responsible for
the consequences of our insecurity, because we know better. Not changing
when confronted with the truth is a choice. Although we can’t control
many circumstances we encounter in life, we are responsible for our
reactions to all of them.
In that vein, one of the best ways to confront our self-deception is

psychotherapy. It is probably the only relationship that you will ever have
in your entire life that exists solely to benefit you.
Yet, a great deal of stigma exists around therapy. People frequently say
things like, “I don’t need therapy. Therapy is only for crazy or weak people
who can’t help themselves.”
The truth is, it takes tremendous courage to be completely vulnerable to

another human being. Therapy is truly a gift if you are courageous enough
to accept it.
Confronting our self-deception is a lifelong journey. We change and the

world offers us new opportunities to understand ourselves. There is always
more to learn.
I was on the perfect path to be a successful academic. I received tenure

here at UNLV, two years ago. And in about six weeks, I will be
unemployed, because I resigned. Getting tenure and then quitting is about
the last thing that anyone would expect from a faculty member. Especially
me. I love psychology. I love teaching. I love research. I love my
department. I had an amazing experience at UNLV.
But the truth is, my passion isn’t in academia anymore. To admit that to
myself was brutally painful. Because I had to confront all of my self-
deceptive tendencies and insecurities. “What if I disappoint people? What
will my family say? What am I going to do? What if I can’t support myself?
Transcript) | 7
Who am I if I am not a professor? What if my whole life changes!? What if

my whole life doesn’t change?”
If I had chosen to stay in academia, I would have paid a huge

psychological price. I would have to admit that I was not strong enough to
make different choices for myself when confronted with the truth.
Be more honest liars. Choose to become more honest about the lies you
tell yourself. Use the truth to live the most fulfilling life for you, because
you’ve only got one.
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Cortney Warren on Honest Liars: The Psychology of Self-Deception at

Cortney Warren – Clinical Psychologist, Researcher, Author

Humans are masters of self-deception. We fool ourselves into believing

Nowhere was self-deception more obvious than in my romantic

At the core, we lie to ourselves because we don’t have enough

That said, understanding our self-deception is the most effective way to

As adults, we will most want to lie about how psychologically painful

Copyright (c) SingjuPost.com - Download YouTube Transcripts as PDF

As an adult, when someone points out your imperfections, you feel

Psychological theories of human nature can help us understand our self-

Denial: Refusing to believe that something is true, even though it is. “I

“I’m not jealous,” — even though I secretly check my partner’s email.

ALSO READ: Are We in Control of Our Decisions by Dan Ariely (Full

Rationalization: Creating a reason to excuse ourselves. “I wouldn’t have

Projection: Taking an undesirable aspect of ourselves and ascribing it to

Copyright (c) SingjuPost.com - Download YouTube Transcripts as PDF

Pioneers in the cognitive-behavioral realms describe how our thoughts

Polarized Thinking: Thinking in extremes. “I will either eat no cookies or

Emotional Reasoning: Thinking that our feelings accurately reflect

“I feel stupid; consequently I am stupid.”

Overgeneralization: Taking a single negative event as an infinite spiral

After getting denied a promotion at work, you think, “I am never going to

From an existential perspective, we deceive ourselves to avoid the Givens

Death – we’re all going to die.

Ultimate aloneness — we were born as a single person housed in a

Meaninglessness — our lives are inherently meaningless unless we give

Copyright (c) SingjuPost.com - Download YouTube Transcripts as PDF

And Freedom — we are responsible for ourselves because we have the

To avoid confronting these realities, we frequently lie to ourselves: “I am

Multicultural and feminist psychologists describe how internalization of

Do you compromise yourself to meet cultural norms? Do you think you

All of these theories of human nature help us understand how we deceive

Why should you care? Self-deception leads to massive amounts of pain

Copyright (c) SingjuPost.com - Download YouTube Transcripts as PDF

change your choices in the past.

As I’ve shared earlier, I struggled greatly in my romantic relationships. I

ALSO READ: Full Transcript: Nipun Mehta on Designing for

Now what? How do we start acknowledging the lies we tell

The first step is self-awareness — we become observers of ourselves.

Similarly, most of us spend a tremendous amount of energy trying to get

As we become more honest and aware, we also become more responsible

Copyright (c) SingjuPost.com - Download YouTube Transcripts as PDF

we all are — we’re now confronted with a choice: to work on our

In that vein, one of the best ways to confront our self-deception is

The truth is, it takes tremendous courage to be completely vulnerable to

Confronting our self-deception is a lifelong journey. We change and the

I was on the perfect path to be a successful academic. I received tenure

Who am I if I am not a professor? What if my whole life changes!? What if

If I had chosen to stay in academia, I would have paid a huge

Sharing is caring! Share on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on

Copyright (c) SingjuPost.com - Download YouTube Transcripts as PDF

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