Don’t Let Micro-Stresses Burn

You Out
Executive Summary

Stress comes to us all in tiny little assaults throughout our day — what we call
“micro-stresses” — for example, the frustration of a colleague missing the mark
on a joint project, or the emotional toll of a trusted work colleague moving on.
These micro-stresses come at us all day long, through relationships and
interactions that are too numerous and high velocity to easily shake off. The
problem is that most of us have come to accept micro-stresses as just a normal
part of a day. We hardly acknowledge them, but cumulatively they are wearing us
down. And what’s worse is that the sources of these micro-stresses are often the
people — in and out of work — with whom we are closest. We don’t have to
accept micro-stresses as destiny. This article discusses the tools we need to
mitigate these stresses in our lives. Stress patterns are often predictable, and if we
see them for what they are, we can build the support network, mindset, and
constructive responses that we need to head them off.

Hiroshi Watanabe/Getty Images

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We all have days when we go home exhausted, fall into bed, turn off the light, and
drift into a fitful sleep. For some of us, that happens almost every day. You might
chalk it up to a difficult project, client, or boss stressing you out. But what you
might not realize is that there is much more contributing to that exhaustion. Stress
comes to us all in tiny little assaults throughout our day — what we call “micro-
stresses.” And it’s coming from sources you might never have considered. The
volume, diversity, and velocity of relational touch points (the way we routinely
communicate and collaborate with others) we all experience in a typical day is
beyond anything we have seen in history, and cumulatively they are taking an
enormous toll on our health and our productivity at work.

You probably don’t need us to tell you that stress makes you more susceptible to
chronic illness and mental health conditions, such as depression. By some
estimates, 60-80% of all doctor visits are for stress-related ailments and
complaints. Stress is so harmful to employees that the Occupational Safety and
Health Administration (OSHA) has declared stress a hazard of the workplace.
Stress takes a big bite out of productivity, as stressed-out people tend to make
lower-quality decisions and are often less motivated, innovative, and productive
in their work. Ultimately, unrelieved stress can lead to burnout, which is
characterized by exhaustion, detachment, and poorer performance at work.

The problem is that most of us have come to accept micro-stresses as just a

normal part of a day. We hardly acknowledge them, but cumulatively they are
wearing us down. And what’s worse is that the sources of these micro-stresses are
often the people — in and out of work — with whom we are closest. We have
identified 12 common “relational” drivers of stress (see chart below) that are
likely taking a significant toll on your well-being, without you necessarily being
aware of their impact. Until you recognize these sources of stress, you can’t begin
to address them.

Our conclusions about micro-stresses are based on research we’ve done over the
past decade involving dozens of top-tier companies, where we engaged with
hundreds of people across industries such as technology, biopharmaceuticals,
finance, and manufacturing and asked them to share their experiences of
relationship-driven stress with us, using both quantitative studies and in-depth
interviews. Our goal was to identify the sources of micro-stresses that are the
direct result of the way we typically interact with each other at work and home.
We have categorized these stresses into three buckets: 1) micro-stresses that drain
your personal capacity (the time and energy you have available to handle life’s
demands); 2) micro-stresses that deplete your emotional reserves; and 3) micro-
stresses that challenge your identity and values. Do any of these feel familiar?

What's Driving Your Stress?

Micro-stresses infiltrate our lives in ways we often do not realize. The chart below
shows 12 common micro-stresses and the relationships from which they emanate.
Select the two or three that systematically drive the greatest stress for you.

Relationships

Micro-stresses Boss Other Peers Clients Team Loved

leaders ones

Draining Misalignment
your of roles or
personal priorities
capacity
When others
Unspoken
don’t deliver
tensions in
reliably
the ways we
routinely Unpredictable
work with our behavior from
colleagues a person in a
create stress position of
when they authority
generate
Poor
additional
communication
work or
norms
reduce our
ability to do Surge in
what we responsibilities
already have at work or
on our plate. home

Depleting Managing
your others and
emotional feeling
reserves responsibility
Some micro for their
stresses cause
us harm success and
through well-being
negative
Confrontational
feelings that
conversations
drain our
emotional Mistrust in
reserves: your network
worry for People who
people we spread a
care about, contagion of
uncertainty stress
over the
impact of our
actions, fear
of
repercussions,
or simply
feeling de-
energized by
certain types
of
interactions.

Challenging Pressure to
your identity pursue goals
or values out of synch
Most of us with your
like to think personal values
that we have
When someone
a clear set of
undermines
values and
your sense of
identity that
self-
guide our
confidence,
actions, at
 work and at worth, or
home. control
Interactions
Disruptions to
that routinely
your network
create friction
with those
values or
challenge
your sense of
self can be
emotionally
exhausting.

Source: Rob Cross, Jean Singer, and Karen Dillon © HBR.org

The point is that these micro-stresses are all routinely part of our day and we
hardly stop to consider how they are affecting us, but they add up. They may arise
as momentary challenges, but the impact of dealing with them can linger for hours
or days. In our research, we have seen a plethora of high performers who seem to
inexplicably burn out. But when you look more closely, the trigger becomes clear:
a battery of micro-stresses building up over time.

So what can be done to mitigate the micro stresses in your life? Traditional advice
on coping with negative or stressful interactions doesn’t work because micro-
stresses are deeply (and invisibly) embedded in our lives. They are coming at us
through relationships and interactions that are too numerous and high velocity to
easily shake off. Consider even just one micro-stress in your day — perhaps the
frustration of a colleague missing the mark on a joint project, or the emotional toll
of a trusted work colleague moving on — and try explaining it to someone close
to you. This kind of discussion traditionally helps people process and deal with
stress. But it can take 30 minutes to describe the history, dependencies, and
context so that that person can empathize and possibly make helpful suggestions
over the next half hour. A precious hour later, you might feel better… or you
might have wasted both of your time. In many scenarios, we’re getting hit with
20-30 micro-stressors a day. Who has time to articulate this all? And who, on the
receiving end, wants to hear it?

Micro-stressors pose a different dilemma than we have seen before so we need

new tools for mitigating them. Our work shows three promising approaches.

1. Isolate and act on two to three micro-stressors. The chart above

can help you to locate two to three micro-stresses that have a
persistent impact on your life. These have typically become things
we’ve considered to be “normal” in our lives that if altered can have
a significant impact. Micro-stressors create emotional build-up that
needs to be released before you can think rationally about a
constructive response. So the first step is to decompress — hit the
pause button, close the laptop, and undertake an activity that is self-
affirming and that absorbs you so “the nonsense of all the things that
bother you melts away.” When you narrow the list of micro-stressors
you’re focusing on to two or three, it’s easier to find time and energy
to vent, if that’s helpful to you. Our stressors often look different
after we’ve had a chance to distance ourselves from the “noise” of
anxiety or defensiveness. Conversations with trusted people in our
network can help to unpack what’s really bothering us and why, or
reframe and see our stressors in a different light. We can then act and
know that we’re taking direct aim at the source of our stress, for
example by having an awkward-but-crucial conversation that can
transform a relationship, by pushing back on unreasonable demands
or dysfunctional behaviors, or by strengthening the network of
people who can help buffer us from negative interactions.
2. Invest in relationships and activities that keep the less
consequential micro-stresses in perspective. To be sure, there are
truly important mindfulness practices — like meditation or gratitude
journaling — that can help on this front. And, of course, maintaining
physical health through exercise, proper nutrition, and good sleep
habits is probably the most important lever we have for combatting
stress today. But there are also important relational solutions: people
who have greater dimensionality in their lives and broader
 connections just don’t experience micro-stressors in the same way;
they are able to keep them in perspective. When we talk to people
who tell a positive life story, they often have cultivated and
maintained authentic connections that come from many walks of life
— athletic pursuits, volunteer work, civic or religious communities,
book or dinner clubs, friends from the local community, and so on.
Interactions in these spheres can broaden their identity and “open the
aperture” on how they look at their lives. Key to riding above the sea
of micro-stressors are relationships that generate a sense of purpose
and meaning in our lives — not just in the nature of our
employment, but in the connections that sustain and define us
beyond our work.
3. Distance or disconnect from stress-creating people or activities.
Over time, it’s not always easy to detect when a friend or colleague
is routinely causing you stress, rather than lifting you up. But that’s
what makes it all the more insidious. We can become intertwined,
both personally and professionally, with people who routinely leave
us feeling emotionally depleted. Take a step back and evaluate the
relationships in your life over which you have control — and make
an effort to create some distance in the ones that create more stress
than joy. To be clear, stress-creating relationships are not just
negative or toxic ones. They can be people that we enjoy spending
time with, but that enable unproductive behaviors (“Come on, you
can finish the project tomorrow, let’s check out that new restaurant
tonight!) or those who routinely leave us stranded with work because
they haven’t come through on what they promised (“I didn’t finish
the report, let me give you my notes and you can take it from
here…”). You don’t have to disconnect from the people you enjoy
being around, but you do have to recognize their effect on your
mental and physical well-being and try to put some boundaries
around those relationships.

We don’t have to accept micro-stresses as destiny. Stress patterns are often

predictable, and if we see them for what they are, we can build the support
network, mindset, and constructive responses that we need to head them off. As
one leader told us, “I’m just going to lay down some new rules that may upset the
cart at first, but in the long run, are going to make me a better contributor, because
I won’t feel frazzled all the time.” Once you learn to recognize the patterns of
micro-stressors in your own life, you, too, will be able to put the proper
conditions in place to mitigate them.