THE ANIMATED SERIES
“PINALE"
Written by
Donald GloverEXT. KENYAN SAVANNAH ~ DAY
DEADPOOL is asleep in a jeep that’s driving down a dirt road.
He is sitting next to an african woman who looks in her late
30s, ESIANKIKI. Deadpool suddenly wakes up screaming.
DEADPOOL,
DON’T LET BEN CARSON OPERATE ON ME!
(then)
Where the hell am I?
ES TANKIKL
You're in Kenya. I picked you up
from the airport. You were very
drunk when I arrived. Security
helped me carry you to the car.
DEADPOOL,
Doesn’t sound like me. And It takes
alot to get me drunk.
ESTANKTKT
You were passed out. In an empty
Duty Free.
DEADPOOL,
(remembering)
Oh yeah. You guys are the one’s
with the rhino?
ESTANKIKT
Yes, I’m Esiankiki Jepkosgei.
DEADPOOL,
Esia...Bsian-kiki? You know what?
T’m gonna call you, “The Greek
Freak".
Esiankiki frowns. Doesn't seem cool. Deadpool ignores it.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Yeah....s0 ya'll payin’ me in
Bitcoin. I’m surprised. You’re
the first to agree to that.
ESIANKIKT
Whatever it takes. We're surprised
you took the job actually. You
don’t seem like the animal lover
type.Beat.
DEADPOOL,
Oh don’t get me wrong, I'd rip
that horn off my myself if a
poacher paid me enough. I’m Jeremy
Meeks when it comes to that bag.
(then)
But I also love everything rhino,
ya know? I used to wear a ton of
Ecko back in the day. I was a huge
G-Unit fan. Had the whole fit.
still got some shirts.
DEADBOOL (CONT'D)
You want some Ecko shirts?
ESIANKIKE
No.
DEADPOOL
Yeah. Me neither.
(then)
So where's this big grey nutsack-
skin covered unicorn?
ESIANKIKE
We're hiding Sudan right now. He's
very weak. We've been doing all we
can, but if he stays in captivity
he will die. The problem is the
poachers. They're everywhere and
they've been waiting for-
DEADBOOL,
oH My Gop!
ESIANKIKI
You see one?!
DEADPOOL,
Sanaa Lathan bit Beyonce's face.
(scrolls)
Wait.
(relieved)
oh thank God. It was Jennifer
Lawrence. I already hate her.
It's fine.
He continues to scroll and stare at his phone. Esiankiki
keeps driving awkwardly. He looks for a moment, then goes
back to scrolling.DEADPOOL (CONT'D)
(not looking up)
It's an addiction. So if it seems
like I’m not paying attention to
you, it’s...cause I agree
the..-what’d you say?
EXT. MOUNTAIN SIDE - DAY
‘The jeep pulls through brush and into a clearing. There are
twenty armed guards in uniform blocking a tunnel opening.
‘They let the jeep pass through and they park in the tunnel.
The jeep is blasting “Rubbin off the Paint” by YBN Nahmir as
they pull in.
ESIANKIKI
(trying to be polite)
That song was... interesting.
DEADPOOL
Yeah, that’s my shit really. Him
and Rich the Kid is all I really
listen to lately...Rich the Kid not
fas much tho. He be clout chasin’.
(lookin’ around)
Wow. This is cool. Well, not
actual cool. But like “Vegas”
cool. *Chainsmokers” cool.
ESIANKIKI
Who are you talking to?
DEADPOOL
(aggressive)
The people watchin-
(sadly corrects himself)
The people reading this.
ZACHARIAH (0.S.)
You made it.
ZACHARIAH MUFAI walks over.
ZACHARIAH (CONT'D)
Hello, I’m Zachariah. Sudan's
keeper. We really appreciate you
doing this.
DEADPOOL
Don't thank me. Thank the seven
hundred Bitcoins you're paying me~
(he looks at his phone)
oh my god. It dropped that much?
(WORE)DEADPOOL (CONT'D)
I went from Johnny Depp in Pirates
of the Caribbean to...Johnny Depp
in Pirates of the Caribbean. The
ride.
Deadpool pinches the bridge of his nose in frustration.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Where’s this fuckin’ rhino?
INT. MOUNTAIN TUNNEL - DAY
A large rhino stands eating by a rock wall. Deadpool,
Esiankiki, and Zachariah walk up to him.
ZACHARIAH
This ie Sudan. The last male
northern white rhino on the Earth.
DEADPOOL,
(waves )
ai.
ESIANKIKT
When he dies. A piece of us dies
as well.
DEADPOOL,
Pieces of me die all the time. Its
fine. Also can’t you guys just
grab some rhino semen and make more
rhinos?
ZACHARIA
We'd prefer to do it naturally.
But incase something does happen to
him in the wild, we did have semen
samples taken.
DEADPOOL,
So this isn’t even really the last
male rhino? Ya'll can Jurassic
Park this shit whenever you want?
This feels like a waste of my time.
ESIANKIKT
I assure you it isn’t. Whatever
you'd be doing instead wouldn’t be
as significant.
DEADPOOL,
I'd be jackin’ llama‘s from eleven
year olds.tachariah and Esiankiki stare: “what?”
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Fortnite? Hello?
(then)
Oh! "Jackin' llamas from eleven
year olds” sounds awful. That’s
not what I’m sayin’. I'm not
Tekashi69.
(claritying)
I’m an AMAZING rapper.
tachariah and Esiankiki are still confused.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Wow. Nothing’s landing. Our
cultures are very different. we
have so much to teach each other.
EXT. AFRICAN SAVANNAH - DAY
A large flatbed releases Sudan out into the open the armed
guards rally around and make sure he’s safe. Esiankiki and
Zachariah wave from the jeep.
ZACHARIAH
Be careful. We only need you to
follow him until he mates. Then
you can collect your price.
DEADPOOL
I gotta follow him until he mates?!
Man, fuck this job. This ain’t
worth it.
(phone alert)
Bitcoin status alert.
(checks)
Holy Jeff Bezos!
(sincere to Zachariah)
I will protect him with my life.
EXT. AFRICAN SAVANNAH - LATER
tachariah, Esiankiki, and the armed guards drive away.
DEADPOOL
So. I guess it’s just you and me.
Should be a fun script.
Sudan just stands there chewing.DEADPOOL (COND)
Oh I see. This is gonna be a
“Castaway”, “Wilson” relationship
where I just talk to myself through
you the whole time? Cause to be
honest it was feeling like an “Ace
Ventura: When Nature Calls” ripoff.
Wnich I was really excited about.
Sudan chews.
DEADPOOL (COND)
He does come out of a rhino’s ass
in that. “Castaway” it is.
Sudan chews.
DEADPOOL (COND)
What's the wifi?
EXT. AFRICAN SAVANNAH - LATER
Deadpool and Sudan are walking through the brush.
DEADPOOL
It is very hot. Like damn.
Sudan keeps walking.
DEADPOOL (CON'’D)
You're gonna love me by the way.
I’m an amusing and charismatic
wingman if I'm telling the truth.
Sudan says nothing. Obviously.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
I don't know why I’m here either!
I think the writer’s just mad. Or
bored. We'll find out I guess.
Together.
Sudan stops and defecates.
DEADPOOL (COND)
Good call.
Deadpool stands still for six seconds.
DEADPOOL (CONT'D)
Most people don’t think I wear a
diaper under here. Probably cause
I don’t.
(MORE)DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Listen, can you find a female in
like, the next fifteen minutes? 1
got Kings tickets.
Sudan just stares far off. Deadpool’s Bitcoin alert goes
off. He checks.
DEADPOOL (CONT'D)
Jesus. This isn’t worth my time
again.
(alert goes off again)
JE-SUS! I'ma need that horn, bruh.
Deadpool pulls out his sword. Alert goes off again.
DEADPOOL (CONT'D)
Oh wow!
(then)
You wanna go to a Kings game with
ne?
cur TO:
INT. AFRICAN SAVANNAH - DAY
Sudan is chewing on grass. Deadpool is sitting against a
tree.
DEADPOOL
You know, I’m not mad about this
whole “cancelled” thing. I
actually think it’s a good thing. I
mean, is it even a good time to
have a violent, gun loving white
man ranting on TV?
(hard sell)
Other than the PRESIDENT!
Sudan continues chewing.
DEADPOOL (CONT'D)
If this was “Last Week Tonight”,
people woulda laughed.
(thinks better of it)
Woulda clapped.
Sudan turns and scratches a tree w/ his horn.
DEADPOOL (CONT'D)
I mean, I get it. Maybe they just
wanna sell toys. And this style of
comedy isn’t it. It’s more “ha-ha,
but I’m mad”. I get that.Sudan shakes. ‘Then continues eating grass.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Do you think they cancelled the
show...cause of racism?!
Sudan continues eating grass.
DEADPOOL (CON'T’D)
Yeah, but all the writers were
black. And the references were
pretty black too. I heard they
went over the lunch budget ordering
Jamaican food at least once a week.
Sudan eats.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
You're right. Black Panther.
(then)
Maybe we were alienating our white
audience?
(then)
No. We did a whole goat yoga
episode. Damn. What was it?
More eating.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Noooocs. The Taylor Swift episode?
Nah. No. They had to have loved
that script.
Sudan walks away.
DEADPOOL (CON'T’D)
Are you fucking kidding me?
Deadpool gets up and chases him.
DEADPOOL (CON'T’D)
That episode's hilarious!
Sudan doesn't look. He just keeps walking.
DEADPOOL (CON'T’D)
What? The Marvel stuff T said in
it? All I said was Marvel was
trying to sell toys to seven year
old boys and fifty year old
pedophiles. That’s just funny.
They're cool. They get it.
Sudan just keeps walking.DEADPOOL (CONT'D)
Oh now I'm the asshole? That's
fine, Sudan.
Sudan stops and bites a bush of colorful flowers.
DEADPOOL (CONT'D)
What do I want?! T want to know
why. I want the real story. If
you have enough data you can
Predict the future. That's all
that's left. Google, Amazon,
Facebook.
Sudan grunts.
DEADPOOL (CONT'D)
Yeah. Fuck Facebook. Kick ‘em
while they're down.
(then)
It just feels like everyone wants
something different, but no one
want to do anything different to
get it. Doesn’t Marvel have enough
feel-good minority shows everyone
supports but doesn't watch? T
mean, 1 think our show woulda been
funny. I just wanted a place to be
honest.
(tearing up)
And I guess that place is Freeform.
Sudan stares at him for a moment. ‘Then walks off. Deadpool
follows.
EXT. AFRICAN SAVANNAH - LATER
They cone to a clearing. The sun is setting in front of
them. It’s very beautiful. The orange and browns blend
together. This should be drawn super well. It’s a really
beautiful place and it gives the sense of solace we're all
looking for.
DEADPOOL
Wow. This is really beautiful. 1
really needed a quiet moment.
They eit silent for a moment. It is a moment of true peace.
DEADPOOL (CONT'D)
You know what? You're alright.
For a virgin.
(MORE)10.
DEADPOOL (CONT'D)
(Bitcoin alert goes off)
Oooh!
Deadpool pulls out his phone. Suddenly, Deadpool is
SPLATTERED with bullets. About twenty gunshots go off from
an automatic. Deadpool turns around and Armed guards comes
from the brush.
DEADPOOL (CONT'D)
Fuck! Ya'll Sacramento police?
The armed guards look at each other. Deadpool pulls out his
own guns.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
HA! Just kidding! I've actually got
guns! You should've killed me when
you had the chance like the NYPD!
He flips into the air and sprays back at the guards. ‘They
are both shot multiple times, but one stumbles over to Sudan,
and pulls the pin from a grenade that strapped to his vest as
he collapses.
DEADPOOL (CONT'D)
(gasp)
My Bitcoins!
Deadpool runs over and collapses on the guard/grenade. It
EXPLODES. Deadpool’s entire abdomen BURSTS out his back.
Black bile sprays everywhere.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Is that blood? Or did I eat beets?
CLAPPING comes from the bush. Zachariah walks out with more
armed guards.
ZACKARIAH (0.S.)
It was me. The whole time.
DEADPOOL
What? What are you talking about?
ZACHARIAH
I’m the one selling the rhino
ivory.
Deadpool is confused. And still bleeding. You can see his
intestines falling out of him as he gets up and walks to
Bachariah.ll.
DEADPOOL,
What the hell are you talking
about?
ZRCBARIAH
Didn't you see all the clues I
left? I’m the villain.
Deadpool stares at him.
ZACHARIAH (CONT’D)
I own the last two female rhinos?
I’m using the sperm, impregnating,
and making more rhinos to sell the
ivory at a price I dictate?
DEADPOOL,
Dude, I’m sorry. I've been on my
own journey. I didn’t see any
clues.
ZACHARIAH
I left them everywhere.
DEADPOOL,
Yeah...
An awkward beat.
ZACHARIAH DEADPOOL (CONT'D)
I'm sorry. I should've been All good. Nah, it’s all
more clear. T just assumed good. T should've been
you were looking for who's looking. It was classic
killing them. T...T didn’t “When Nature Calls”, it’s my
plan this. My apologies. bad. All good.
They stand for a moment. Suddenly, they both begin SHOOTING
at each other.
Deadpool flips over Zachariah and shoots four armed guards.
Deadpool rushes another guard and slices him in half with his
Katana swords.
DEADPOOL (CONT'D)
Sorry you had to split.
Two more guards shoot at Deadpool. He hops towards them while
dodging bullets. He cuts the guards up with his swords again.
DEADPOOL (CONT'D)
T see you're dancing. But can T gut,
in.12.
A guard runs at Deadpool screaming with a hunting knife in
his hand. Deadpool takes a atab to the chest but counters
with a jumping swipe thet cuts the guard from groin to head.
DEADPOOL (CONT'D)
Save me a slice.
One last guard appears with a rocket launcher. Before he can
get his shot off Deadpool throws his sword and decapitates
the guard. The rocket flies vertically into the sky.
DEADPOOL (CONT'D)
White guys give the best...head?
ZACHARIAH (0.S.)
No. Please. No more.
Deadpool turns to find Zachariah standing near Sudan.
ZACHARIAH (CONT'D)
No more one-liners. They're awful.
DEADPOOL
why'd you even hire me for this if
you were the bad guy? Why pay me to
protect this dinosaur?
ZACHARIAH
I needed a fall guy. A patsy. Plus
when I hired you Bitcoin was
trading at 2 cents a coin.
DEADPOOL
(laughs)
Yeah, it’s been a crazy summer.
ZACHARIAH
Listen. I'1l pay you a hundred-
thousand cash right now. Just leave
me with the beast and it’s yours.
DEADPOOL,
No way. I've grown to love the
little guy. Because in a way he
reminds me of me. Ugly. And
something people only cared about
after like a million years.
Deadpool's Bitcoin alert goes off. He looks at his phone and
then his jaw drops.13.
DEADPOOL (CONT'D)
Really!?7! I shoulda went Litecoin
like that fucking Reddit nerd told
me.
(to Zachariah)
Rhino's all yours pal.
Deadpool begins to walk away as Sudan groans in the
background. The creature actually seems sad. Deadpool’s
Bitcoin alert goes off again. He checks it.
DEADPOOL (CONT'D)
(excited)
Yes! I knew I/d be rich! Bitcoin is
the future!
Deadpool turns to Zachariah.
DEADPOOL (CONT'D)
Sorry but I don't need your money.
And Sudan is my friend,
Zachariah furrows his brow in anger. He quickly draws his gun
but Deadpool draws faster. He fires one shot that hits
Zachariah right between the eyes, killing him instantly.
DEADPOOL (CONT'D)
(to camera)
Take ‘notes teachers of America.
Someday you'll have to make @ high
pressure shot like that.
(to Sudan)
Let's go home Sudan.
The two walk off into the sunset. It’s beautiful and
everything feels right. In the distance we hear Deadpool’s
Bitcoin alert go off.
DEADPOOL, (CONT'D)
What the Fuck!!
(then)
It was Sanna Lathan?!
cur To:
INT. DEADPOOL’S HOUSE - DAY
Deadpool is on his couch drinking a cup of tea. He’s wearing
a Rhino skin coat with the head as a hood. There’s a dog on a
leash by him. Two movers are bringing in a piano.14.
DEADPOOL,
(to movers)
Yeah, right there is fine.
‘The movers place the piano and leave. BLIND AL walks in.
BLIND AL
Wow. You really are a cold son of a
bitch huh?
DEADPOOL,
No! I made the best parts of Sudan
into something 111 keep forever.
Deadpool pulls out two ivory handled pistols.
DEADPOOL ( CONT’ D)
See.
The dog barks at Al.
BLIND AL.
What's the dog for?
DEADPOOL,
Oh it's a seeing- eye dog. I'm
drinking this Rhino-horn-powder-tea
and I should have a pretty intense
erection for 6 hours. I figured I
should be prepared for the worst.
BLIND AL
IT see. Well what about me?
DEADPOOL,
I saved you some in the pot, calm
down.
Blind excitedly runs to the kitchen to get her tea. Deadpool
sits alone and toasts his tea cup in the air.
DEADPOOL (CONT! D)
This is for you Sudan. May your
clone live on forever.
‘THE END
CARD: In loving memory of Sudan, the last male white Rhino.