fer, Two hundred years ago, we fought a war toffee ourselves
from exceisive twxation. In setting up the Constitution, one
‘of the most important things we did was forbid the federal
government from taxing the income ofits citizens. ‘This free-
dom was preserved far 150 years, uni the citizens gave it
away. And now look at how you are taxed!
“How can you believe that you area fece people when
you willingly subject to an agency such asthe Internal Reve-
rue Service, which has the right to presume you are guilty
unt you prove yourself innocent! How ean you believe you
area free people when you mus spend days and weeks every
year reporting your income to the goverment?
"in my day, the newspapers would be decrying these
‘axes as vicious intrusion into our personal freedoms and
selfexpression. What do the newspapers and television
== 120
12] Sestations of your day—the so-called champions of fee
spoech—do? They rin articles instructing the ciszens on
how to fll out ther income tax form! They have become
the propaganda machines of the IRS.
“And when someone is hauled ino tax court, does the
media grasp the rea issue? Do they raise their voices in pro-
test against the exceaive taxation of private capital in this
country, and the tx ls that ll but fore zens to break
the law in order o obtain a ruling on what can be deducted
sand what cannot? No~they make the cizen over the coals
for social irresponsibility. Whereis the free press? Where
is fice speech? les a fairy tale
“will ell you one thing—ifT were alive today would
probably be spending mos of my imei tax court, fighting
to preserve whatever remaining scraps of freedom we have,
before they were gone entirely, And Poor Richard would be
raising hell about the rape of dhe American public by the
Internal Revene Service.
“You think there is ill a great deal of feedom in our
country? Look at the fourth Bill. It states that “the right of|
the people wo be secure in der persons, houses, papers and
effets against unreasonable searches and siaures shall not
be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable
cause, supported by oath oF affimason, and particularly
describing the place tobe searched andthe persons or things
to be seized."
“Many important court rulings have upheld this pine
ciple,” 1 observed
“Once again giving you the comfortable feeing of
freedom, without the reality of i" Franklin reped. “The
govemment and private agencies have compiled so many
records on each Giizen that there sno ‘ight to be secure in
your own person, house, papers, and effec inthis modern
= 125
age. Your phone calls can be traced—and even tapped—
without your knowledge or consent, Everyone and his
relatives demands to know your socal security number, even
though i isa direct invasion of your privacy. And with the
advent of computers, all of these files can be checked and
cross-checked in an instant
“Let's look at the 7th Bil: "In suits at common law,
Where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars,
the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no face tied
by a jury shall be otherwise reexamined in any court ofthe
United States than according to the rules of the common
aw.
“Here isa perfect example ofthe way Modern Amer
icans have given away their freedom. The idea of tal by jury
isbased on I)an educated clectorate and 2) an electorate that
recognizes the value of the jury system and willingly
participates in it, The Moder American, however, so litle
Values his or her fieedom that, when called to serve on ajury,
secks to be excused trom service, on the grounds of more
pressing duties or activites,
“I devoted the last 40 years of my life co serving the
‘cause of freedom in Ameria; millions at that time and since
‘have given their lives to preserve these freedoms and berties
‘And yet, the Modern American is so ungrateful for these sac.
‘ices tha he is usually too basy to sit on a jury! As a result,
there is no longer any such thing as a jury of one's peers—
unless your peers happen to be uneducated, idle people who
ddo not have anything better to do wih their me!
“Freedom involves more than rights. For every right,
theresa responsiblity. None ofthe Bil of Rights can be sus:
tained asa guardian of freedom and liberty unless each citi
2en is willing and able Co do his oF her shate in acting with
responsiblity. When you fil to fulfill these responsibilities,
123you give away your right-—and your feedams, Those who
are lazy and irresponsible are unable to keep freedom.
“The frequency by which the frst Bil of Right
‘quoted makes me think, at times, that no one has bothered
to read any farther, When was the last ime you read num
bers Sand 10? They state: ‘The enumeration in the Const
tution of certain rights shall nt be construed to deny or dis-
parage others retained by the people.” And: “The powers not
delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor pro-
hibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states respec-
tively, or to the people.”
““What does ths mean in plain English? Tt means that
any power we did notspecifically convey tothe Congress can-
not be assumed by them. ‘The people must make a formal
assignment ofthe power it cannot be stolen from them inthe
dark ofthe night,
“Tn this regard, you can se the great danger of electing
lawyers to serve in Congress. Having been trained to take
any writen statement and invert it 0 that it can be inter-
preted to mean the exact opposite of what is written, they
have, over the years, found it convenient to forget to remind
the citizens of this country that Congress can assume no
power thatisnor specifically granted toi. And the good peo-
ple of America have fllen into a deep sleep~deeper even
than your own present condition —and alowed this sleight of
hhand to be perpetrated upon them,
“These are the reasons why I state that you have litle
left of the freedom America started with 200 years ago. ‘The
Shells of freedom are sill there, of course, but the substance
has long ago been squandered. IFT had to hazard a guess,
T would say that only 20 percent of our original lbersy
remains, and perhaps only 10 percent of our freedom.”
“That sounds awfully dite,” I complained.
“Dire? Ofcourse it’s dine. Do you want the truth ~
or do you want the comfort of falsehoods and flactery? The
‘ruth of the matter, my dear fiend, i that in Modem Amer=
ica, you do not any longer even have the freedom ta fart
“I beg your pardon?”
“Yousce what Imean? Youve in a sanitized sociecy—
Society that isso alraid of offending anyone that it i no
longer possible to speak freely, a society that is so determined
to prevent any kind of harm that it denis all libery to
everyene,
“Ifone toy out of a million manufactured chances to
injure a child, that roy is immediately banned from produce
tion, even though 999,999 other children have found joy in
playing with i
“Ifone person out often million i oflended by a joke
fra comment made by a public offical, that offical is cone
demned and in all likelihood hounded out of public office,
notwithstanding all of the sactifces and good works he or
she may have performed over the years
“fone person out of one hundred million i disturbed
by the idea of capital punishment, then heaven forbid that
wwe should use the gallows or the gas chamber, lest, that one
individual should have indigestion, and all he ret of wr should
be vesponsible jr i
“This lase spring, when a hurricane devastated the
(Carolinas, all you could lear on the news were people com-
Plaining about how long ittook the government to take care
‘of them. ‘There was no debate as to whether it was the role
‘of government to provide this relief, oF wnether they should
accept it—just a blanket condemnation that it was slow in
forthcoming
“In my day, we held tha che best government was the
‘one that did as litle as possible, leaving everything ese tothe
1245
S125citizens todo for themselves. Your modem day has reversed
‘his philosophy, s0 that you believe tha the best government
is the one that does as much as possible, leaving litle forthe
citizenty to do on their own,
“Please don't misunderstand me—I am as much in
{favor of disaster reliefas anyone. Butin my day, the citizens
formed private societies to deal with these problems, so that
the government would not be tempted to sick ts nose where
idide' belong. Chelped form fre companies, libraries, and
relief societies, and not 2 ane involved the government. So
Thknow it can be done,
“You are weleome to your modem philosophy, al-
though F would detest having to live by it But you must
realize that auch a philosophy can only be implemented at
the expense of freedom and liberty. In the land of the free
land the home ofthe brave, the citizens govern themselves as
‘much as posible, When they are no longer willing todo %0,
they trade in freedom and liberty for security and comfort
‘This isthe fundamental difference between the America of
200 years ago and the America of today. And this is why
Tsay you no longer have the freedom even to far.
“In my day, we were not afraid to fart—or talk about
it, We were not afraid to take rss, either, We did not en-
vision a country where everyone was protected from every
possible ham; quite the opposite, we envisioned a country
‘where everyonehad every posible chance to succeed. Some-
‘where along the way, I guess, we have los the courage o fat.
“The Moder American cannot tolerate anything that
is not squeaky clean, whether itis body odor, the smell of
garbage, or language. You spend millions of dollars every
year on deodorants, mouth rinses, and perfunes, so that you
do not have to face the unpleasant smells of life. And if
someone should happen to fart in your fae, either literally
126 =
or figuratively, you would run immediately for the nearest
can of room deadorizer.
“This is how you handle the unpleasantries of lie, as
well, You mask them, so they will not offend you, But in
doing so, you have given up your freedoms andliberties, and
‘his ought to offend you. Itstnks to high heaven, and I Low
whereof I speak, because high heaven happens to be my
present home,
“For this reason, Iam petitioning you, my good friend,
to speak on my behalf. When you awakea from this Gream,
putddown what Thave said, and make it the final piece in your
callecon,
“Tell Modern America everything Thave sad, then add
this mci at the ends
"My brediren and countrymen, ify cherish freedom
and lbery, you are going to have to learn to fart. You are
song to have to get t0 the point where the comforts and
securities ofl are no longer suficient exchange for you loss
of freedom, Stop running to the government to protect yo
fiom every possible calamity. Take on the responsibilities
‘of human living for yourself, and wll the government to get
out of your let
“The only tool of the average ciizen—and itis a ce
‘mendous tool, when wielded with determination-—is to take
Possession of your voice and start decrying the los of freedom
in this country, Write 1 your representatives and tel diem
‘that you want the government wo give back the feeedosns they
have sclen from us. Write tothe papers, asd tell them dist
freedom of the pres isn’t worth a nickel unless it serves the
people. Speak freely wo your friends and colleagues, ati
awaken them to the loss of freedom in this nation
“And when you are criticized, as you willbe, rec
Your erties that you have the right to speak your mind) AndNL
if they shout you down, as they probably will, then
inform diem that since they insist on being asses, you will
Thenceforth communicate with them with the appropri
ane part of your own anatomy. And turing to face them
from the posterior, let them know where you stand. Let
every fart count asa peal of thunder for lberty. Let every
fart remind the nation of how much ic has let pass out of|
its. control.
“ei a small gesture, but one that can be very effec
tive—especially in a large crowd. So fart, and if you must,
fart often. But always fare without apology.
“Fan for freedom, fat for liberty~and fart proudly.”