From Death to Life - Redefined

I have never had the confidence to talk about what my life

used to look like before Jesus, but at this point in my life,
it feels like He is giving me the courage and reminding me
that truly if anyone is in Christ is a New Creation. The old
has gone, and the new has come. He is also reminding me
that no grave’s too deep, no mistake, and no stain’s too big
for Him to clean, and absolutely no chains and prison
doors are too strong for him to break. So this is my story of
redemption.

From a very young age, I vividly remember feeling so weird

in my own body. I felt sensations and feelings that left me
wondering if the kids my age felt the same. I was well
about 6 if not 7 years old. There was always a very strong
sexual desire in me that I didn’t know what to do with
what I felt. I mean, I was only seven. So, from age seven, I
masturbated! Around the same period, I remember being
told by several people that I would be a prostitute when I
grew up.
In contrast, the kids my age were told they would be other
things like that they liked or what they thought they
wanted to be, but for me, it felt like my fate was already
decided—I was going to be a prostitute. This wasn’t
something I heard once or twice, it was something I heard
so so many times! I always heard it!
Now, to be honest, as you have already read, I was not the
most innocent kid. I was extremely shy, extremely
aggressive, and my anger was off the charts. Sometimes
when I was angry, I became so strong that no one would
hold me down. Other times I got so mad and slammed
doors, at one point I even burned my little sister with a hot
knife, she still has the scar on her leg to prove it.
So, at home, all I heard was how stubborn and aggressive I
was. Outside, I was always reminded that I would be a
prostitute when I grew up.
It got worse with age. I remember walking to school in 4 th
grade, men of all ages would always tell me how badly they
wanted to sleep with me. Some even tried to put their
hands on me several times. To me, this was the scariest
part because I never felt safe to walk anywhere because
older men and even the boys in my class treated me the
same way! It was as though every man out there just
wanted to get his hands on me. And so, to protect myself, I
fought! I fought boys; it didn’t even matter how old where I
fought them. This is probably the only time my anger and
aggressiveness ever served a purpose!
-Fast forward to 7-8th grade-
Well, in high school, the attention from men increased like
10-fold. There was no day that I ever walked to school
without being hissed at or someone sexually harassing me!
Never! Every day was the same or even worse. Because of
the way men threw themselves at me, I started dating at
age 12. By the time I was 13, I had found myself dating at
least 3 to 4 guys at once, and it was not that I liked any of
them, I just got tired of them following me around.
At home, my Dad was everything to me, and he had his
own way of loving me in a way that made me feel like a
normal kid. There was no day that I was not sure of his
love for me, not because he was my father and loving me
was his job, but because he made sure I knew.
I remember him holding me so tight and reminding me
that I was precious and that I was smart enough to
become whatever I wanted to become when I grew up.
Sometimes I would see him blink back tears when he
prayed for me or when he had just whooped my butt so
bad. He made sure I knew that no matter what I had
turned into, he loved me, I was his Umuhoza, and nothing
was going to change that. He would have me drink with
him, and he would tell me that he would rather have me
drink and get drunk with him than any other man! And so,
our bond grew stronger, he took me everywhere, got me in
the most expensive school and always got me everything
but still whooped me when needed—which was every time!
Boarding school was my grave! Well, I was 14 years old
and 7hours away from home! I was FREE! Like FREEE!
Still, guys were after me. By the way, at this point, the
sensation and the arousals in my body had worsened, and
for me, it was all normal! I had also embraced that when I
grow up, I was going to be a prostitute now that I clearly
knew who a prostitute was! I am not saying I was sleeping
around and having sex with all my boyfriends, nope! But I
surely did lust over them, it was normal, it was what I was
used to! Before I knew it, I found myself addicted to
pornography! Now, the one thing that kept me from
sleeping with them was my father’s face and voice that
always came to me! No feeling in my body was worth
satisfying if I was going to grief my father in the end! By
the way, if you are wondering, yes, my family was
profoundly Christian, we went to church every Sunday
morning and evening, devotions were mandatory. Before
my father whooped you, he would always read the bible to
me! In short, I was growing up in a Christian and praying
family but boy! I was a little jezebel!
I remember the first time I got saved! Lol yes, the first time
because for some of us once wasn’t enough, so we had to
go at least 4 more times (not saying the blood of Jesus
wasn’t enough the first time of course) it felt so good! It’s
like I was finally living. That was a one-day thing, I found
myself doing the very same things I had just got saved
from. This time it got worse and worse, especially after my
father’s death. For one, I hated God, I did because He had
just taken my father. There was a part of me that was mad
at God because I felt that if He loved me, why would He
watch me go through so much at a very young age? Why
would I not have a normal childhood like the other kids?
Where was He when I was being sexually harassed? When
men were putting their hands on me, even when those who
claimed to be taking me to church were putting their
hands on me! Like where was He? All this made me eviler,
I now went all the way. I became a liar, I started to steal to
get the things my dad would normally get me, my
addiction got worse! I threw myself to guys because I just
wanted someone to love me, to hold me and tell me I was
precious and loved. I just needed someone to fill the God
size hole in my heart! At this point, I was a big mess.
When we got to the US, at this point, my heart was numb.
I was depressed, had starved myself, I was highly anemic,
had TB, and I was extremely lonely. My world was
crushing. And no matter how much I was mad at God,
sometimes when we were in church, I realized how
desperately I
needed him. That kept me wanting to be saved, but over
and over again, I always found myself feeling unworthy,
it’s like I was constantly being reminded of who I was and
what I had done! So, I gave up completely. I just went to
church because I was forced to go, which is why I always
fell asleep. My brother took me to his church just so I
could see my newly found friends. But all that didn’t
matter, and I really didn’t care! I just lived in my world, did
my own things.

-The Moment that changed everything-

December of 2011, while I was listening to my music, it

must have been Eminem or TI was I listening to, because
that’s all I listened to anyway, my music stopped. I found
myself listening to a Christian radio station, and this
pastor that was preaching had my resume with him. I
mean it felt like he knew me and everything I did in secret.
I remember crying for hours on the floor and that was the
5th and last time I got saved. Since then, things changed.
Now let me not lie to you and say that I instantly stop
masturbating or lusting or lying and all that stuff. But
something changed because I firmly had the desire to
change. I suddenly felt remorse for the lifestyle I was
living, it hurt me to know that I was hurting the heart of
Jesus. I wanted to change so desperately.
I started to use the time I would spend reading novels to
escape the horrors of my life to read the bible. I changed
the music I listened to, broke up with all my boyfriends,
ended friendships that needed to be ended. I was willing to
do anything. When I say, I started to read the bible, I mean
like SERIOUSLY reading it. I read it and memorized it, I
read Romans 8 every day and memorized it, and it
changed everything. Now I understood that there was no
condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus. I
understood that all things work for good to those who love
the Lord and are called by His purposes. I understood that
The resurrection power of Jesus was in me, and I would
conquer any temptation. I understood that there Is
nothing in heaven or on earth and in hell that could
separate or change the love that God had for me. I
understood that Jesus wasn’t condemning me in my
downfall but instead, He was always interceding for me—
praying that I would overcome. The more I read the word
of God, the more my mind was being renewed.
I realized that things that triggered a lot of sexual desires
in me didn’t anymore, for once, I could get my mind under
control. Now through all this, I am still quiet; my family
doesn’t know what’s going on because I knew how they
saw me and me saying I am saved would just have been a
big joke. So, I just kept quiet. I worked out my salvation, I
allowed Jesus to love on me like a Father, slowly. I began
to heal from everything. He taught me how to pray in a
way that was unique just to me (all I knew was to pray the
rosary).
And now at 23 years. I am COMPLETELY free from
everything that I struggled with, and Jesus has covered me
in a way that men don’t look at me the same anymore. At
this point in my life, I fully understand that Jesus is
everything to me, and when I say this, I mean it. He has
gotten me through so much, loved me so gracefully, my life
would not be the way it is now without his mercy and
grace towards me. He has taught me so much and
fathered me so well! I desire a couple of things in life, but if
by the end of my life, all I have is Jesus, I will definitely be
SATISFIED! I am not perfect, I am still learning every day.
I have my days, but his blood covers me because his will
for me is to be holy by the body sacrifice of Jesus Christ
once and for all. Christ has rewritten my story! I am
justified! And if you know me well, I probably don’t look
like what you just read! Well, that’s what Jesus can do; He
surely does turn graves into Gardens! Lol, I hope by now
you’ve realized that while writing this, I am listening to
elevation’s new album!