Weiter: Anne D. Bernstein Editor: Michele Temasik Art Dvettion/Reier Desan: Roger German and Leah Sherman Art Divettor/MTV: Karen Hyden Production Coordinator: Sara Duffy Artists: Kirk Etienne, Guy Moore, Craig Berman, Karen Disher, Evie Wight, Olivia Ward, Brian Moyer, Jody Schaeffer, Miriam Kaitin Color Supervisor: Olivia Ward Color Designers: Amy Melton, Christine Costan, Laura Bryson, Donelle Estey Cel Painters: Jarrett DeMartine, Linda Negron, Carla Snow Production Assistants: Brent: Thorn, David Trexler Daria Creative Supervisors: Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis Lynn Spetial Thanks: Mike Bace, Eduardo A. Branitf, Cindy Brlsma, Lemon Krasny, Andrea Labate, John Lynn, Brad MacDonald, Dominie Mahl, Kim Noone, Amy Palmer, Ed Papare, Renee Presser, Robin Silverman, Donald Silvey, Jen Stipcith, Machi Tantille, Abby Terkuble, Van Toffler, James D Wood ‘Special thanks at Pocket Beoks to: Lynda Castille, Gina Centrello, Millicent Fairhurst, Lisa Fever, Max Greenhut, Donna O'Neil, Liate Stehlk, Dave Sterny and Kara Welsh. Also thanks to Greg Wade at Color Associates This beck is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either Products of the author's imagination or ave used fictitiously An Original Publication of MTV Books/Petket Books POCKET BOOKS, a division of Simon and Schuster, Int. 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020 Copyright © 1998 by MTV Networks. All rights reserved, MTV Music. Television, Daria and all velated titles, logos, and characters ave trademarks of MTV Networks, 8 division of Viacom International Ine Al vights reserved, intluding the right to repreduce this bock or Portions thereof in any form whatzecve. For information address Pethet Books, 1230 fivense of the Americas, New York, NY 10020 ISBN: 0-671-01109-8 Fivst MTV Books/Pocket Books trade paperback Printing Jannary 1998 10987654321 Pocket and telephon ave vesisteved trademarks of Simon and Schuster Ine. Printed in the USA ‘The sale of this book without its cover is unauthorized, If you purchased this book without ‘cover, you should be aware that it was reported tothe publisher as “unsold and destroyed.” Neither the author nor the publisher has received payment forthe sale ofthis “stripped book.”Left the town of Highland this morning with ne regrets, looking forward to. the move to Lawndale with excitement. and anticipation. Then | remembered my family was coming, too. | Felt the need to bring, longa memento of my former life, so.| removed. the Front doorknob when noone was looking and slipped it into my jacket pocket. | hope the new owners. don't have their hearts set.on.a lot of going in.and out. Quinn had filled the car trunk and half the backseat with wardrobe overflow, so | had to vide inthe moving van. The movers were Pretty Cool. They let me be the lockout, while they stepped to una quick errand inthe warehouse distri¢t When they got back, they offered me a new mi¢rowave oven as a token of their gratitude, but | said no. Sure, you tell yourself it'll be just for Popcorn, but the next thing you know you're steaming fresh brotcoli By the time we Pulled up at the new house, Quinn had already ¢laimed the so— called “normal” room..| was left to inhabit the room that had belonged to the Former owner's sthizoPhreni¢. mother..t's extremely. creepy, with padded walls and sawed-off bars on the windows..as.usval,.my sister has Played right into my hands. Mom says she’s going to redecorate my room. Probably right after she gets around to signing my third-grade report card. The house is bigger than our old one, which is good because it'll be easier to avoid Quinn. The Phones ave hooked up (the people whe bought our old house already alled up locking for their doorknob). And from Be ['ve seen of Lawndale, it looks like a Pleasant, typical suburban town. A nice place to raise a normal family. Somebody Please help me. ar eh eee Sree1. CHEZ PIERRE eal cloch napkins. fake accent Walters someone wes the 2. CREWE NECK GATEHOUSE Renca-cop coop 4 BRITTANY'S HOUSE Look for he pil oe fon. Don't bother looking for sf jooos one 5. SATELLITE DISH Kevin ba pull the Pie Comte (6, UNSTABLE LANDFILL 7. WOME OF TOWN DIRECTOR OF PUBLIC WORKS 194" Gazebo consumed by Sinko 8. CRANBERRY COMMONS We credivcard deb 9. ADDITIONAL PARKING FOR CRANBERRY COMMONS 10, LAWNDALE HIGH scHooL Ame future, Do not fre 1. TOMMY SHERIDAN MEMORIAL GORLPOST Site of freak acident chat he student body 0 1 few da. 12, MORGENDORFFER HOME Base 13, LANE HOMESTEAD AND YSTIK SPIRAL MAIL DROP 14. MRS. LANE'S ‘UNDERGROUND CERAMIC BUNKER Boware of mperamenta kiln 16, FORMER SITE OF CAFE LAWNDALE YOUNG ADULT COFFEEHOUSE AND ALT.LAWNDALE.COM ‘CYBERCAF Coming soon: Overpriced Scat Coffe You are now entering Lawndale: [Q limits stri¢tly enforced.A great place to live, work, or live and work in a properly zoned worklliving area. 22. SEDIMENTARY ROCK ‘COUNTRY CLUB AND LINKS Not reticod Atk abou our es = 26. HALCYON HILLS ‘CORPORATE PARK. Su 30, SPEED TRAP. 31. GUPTY HOUSE ‘Winner of Town Core-ifcaionLawndale Girls Daria Morgendorffer Jane Lane Jodie Landon Brittany Taylor Born alienated. Artiste extraordinaire z Kevin's mai Tonnes fieza fend, ries ee Se ey pee but. \ tant narrate oe returns tt to seem ito inherently evil i es oéme. a eta teaintane eter meee Wore do cdr rss pe ecmeay word. That would be smar. smoky gray ining. tingyet? {just did my haiMotto: So many dates, solitte time, ‘Would you get mea soda? The Fashion Club How to tell them apart Tiffany | Purse on her shoulder. Little on her mind Her voice is deep. Her thoughts are not. Sani Stacy | Shows her navel. Says nothing novel: aundale girls do a lot of supportive, proactive bonding..wel. they get treeDaria and Jane Present Feely sies PETER PETER PUMPKIN EATER «Mrs. Eater, while confined to her Pumpkin shell detided to take advantage of this uninterrupted stretth of solitude. She wrote eloquently of her Plight. Soon a Famous novelist teck an interest in her work, campaigned for her release, and had Peter's nose broken by an atquaintance. The vesulting book, Ne Man Can Squash My Spirit! made the best— seller list, and she eventually got to host her own show on Court TV. THE EMPEROR'S NEW CLOTHES w-then a little boy evied, “The Emperor is not. ‘wearing any clothes!” The erowd gasped. The Emperor was shaken for a moment, but replied, “OF course [I’m naked—it’s a conceptual art piece about the transparent nature of reality.” And singe he WAS the Emperor, and had all the money in the kingdom, everyone agreed that it was a very brilliant work and that their leader was in extellent shape for a man of his age. They vejoited. And a wordy and dense analysis of the ‘event was Published in a glossy international art journal and got its editor a juicy euratership in New York. He was subsequently arrested for wearing the Emperor's new clothes te a veeertion [NPE at a prestigious ot Perce Preparatory school for boys. MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB a few weeks passed. One evening, Mary's parents get a call from a caseworker at Lamb Protective Servies. ‘We are bound by state law to make this call investigating signs of possible neglett. One of the teachers at sehool informs us that your lambs Fleece is ne longer white as snow. Aso, it seems easily distracted and refuses to Damas fot aut This was all to Mary's advantage, betause her Parents were so Caught up with the lamb's Problems that they didn't even notite that she had been slowly stealing all the silverware in the house.People who live happily ever after “Serious denial. THE THREE LITTLE PIGS .all three pigs moved into the remaining brick house. One day, there was a knock at the door. There was the wolf, who had tired of his thankless rele as up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the right and, in her groggy state, forgot to use the ladder. But fate took a hand, and she Fell in love with her physital therapist. They collected a healthy settlement: on the Prince's homeowner’s Policy and, despite her slight limp, they lived happily ever after. THE UGLY DUCKLING reviled pig-eater and had instead detided to the ugly duckling locked down into the water, capitalize on mediafed Parancia by becoming a and there he beheld a beautiful swan. “Wow!” he door-to-door security system salesman. “In thought. “IF | can change my life, anyone can” He today’s dangerous and troubled world, don't you developed a series of self-improvement, tapes and think a security system is an investment you can't — greeming products that he marketed to afford NOT to make?” Despite the dovble unattractive animals with Poor social skills. He negative, the Pigs agreed, and an elaborate successfully exploited their insecurities, monitoring device was installed. find as long as atcumulating a large nest egg for himself, and they kept up the hefty monthly Payments, they eventually vetived te his own Private Pond were never bothered by huffing and puffing with his striking swan trophy wife. again. THE PRINCESS AND THE PEA tthe old queen placed a Pea under a stack of uenty mattresses and said to the Princess “This is For you. [Lis the most Comfortable bed in the kingdom.” Unable to sleep, the Princess gotdowndale «& Charles Ruttheimer Ill Jesse Moreno Trent Lane (“Upchuck”) Trent's best Friend. Jane's elder brether: Musician W. abe glo Child Britany’ half baked Plays chythm guitar in and philosopher. His piesophy James Bond and t's the Myst Sa, et Peeves: imiches net making any sudden ery Lewi B 0 bad he has ne ap 40 vat, sits. monenrts or ads ones” such Bang fost idea what stands For ‘Motto: Practice makes perfect. Hct eal that jean. Oat ort: ike my Bene ny ‘Motto: Ihefore E..except ‘And leather pants don’t hurt. least try and get up before noon. —martinis—shaken andstirred. Rowrl when it's ater it, guess. Kevin Thompson isha beset is, wereTheThreed’s How to tell them apart Michael Jordan MacKenzie : Mack") Joey | The guy with dark tresses, whom Quinn sure Jodie’s fae and grtain of imbresses the football team. Has to detfy | The one with ved locks, who thinks Quinn's a ge ieee i? fox. its to the head. (aka Jeremy, Jimmy, Jamiel) The one with heavy and e'snat let Waters lavel Quinn se fain Its a man’s world, especially when it comes to Competitive belching:ow {PADDED WALLS Roum was formerly r 2, 1V (BOLTED) Remote missing. far 2. CEILING a stre at while ing iotnlss on bed for long periods fie, 4, CLOSET Not shawn: violent poetry cared nine als wit. 5. HEART MODEL A reminder of what's important init. blood 6, WEDGE OF CHEESE MODEL Warshpped by hosel nice 7. TV (FUNCTIONAL) Pipeline ta Sick Sa Worl, 8. BED tolig-tarng Central, 9. WHAT'S UNDER THE BED Embarrassing dog sigpers, pid ya trast, bnks, mains, hs, Te Dest anny Project.soa erating Ase ta drova ot the ‘ballet positions. Yeah ight. sound of Quinn whining. Or ding anything dds, § Extuse me while t go raise Hangin there, Commrsatin starter. the drawbridge tet! Donbes x acamersaton stopper. Tey ret yoni your iack ral That wl be mori. and stare atthe eng from bre, it sd rai, en utah, ‘Got this instead, Tod: erga it.ee Kevin and Brittany were made for ath other. From defective parts nd Brittany — Fou Ar eney Struck Dumb: The dove dotters of Kevin a: VER IT 14 FOOTBALL re 4 THap PACK. WILL pase, | HAVE A aR SEE Ja | Kevin ThomPsonly (Qa) DEAR BRITTANY, THanks For THE DATE oruee NIGHT SORRY piwT KNOW so uoaD¥, THAT WaSNr ai R, You Ger peway, MEXT TIME, DICK. V THINK wlE lor wy COMMON -\ CANT BELIEVE iy CARREY av) FREMCH YOU LS SP IT's LE MEANINGFUL OR SomeruiG. | GUESS ULL SE THE GAME, GOD) Luck wiTH THE you ar DPRAMID FORMATION. DON'T LDoK Down !(BRIT Ane DARE ay ae sah nae LeU Av SE wee ve Dee ST Shans eA eae Se SHE was E AR 10 FORE Myserg SPORTS Banguer 1s DUD Mean a LOTT Y SIDE PLUS UB AND THEN I'D tay 72 LOOK AROUND, Fo COMING UP ano ir MAVE You mee rouRE Mor "Goma peak BRITTANY, mare ve! an | HOO GHT FOR YOU by Te ugpking THE OTHER : MALL. (VLEFT THE RECEIPT D TO.) CAN DAy AT THE arte Box LIKE You 5A\ " cKAND & QougLe -DaTe WITH MAl Na Woon avai? 1 T0ud THem Twat ee ANT TD DO SOMETHIVG FUN we GOT A waren paRk-- WoT SOE OE FANCY LIKE THE LAST TE Hey WENT TD THAT Borie vou Cone ZAND THE RestayRanT THAT DIDWT f WAVE Brean sticks, HIN.Brittany's “PAD” ammbotawup ancl g) am. auper hoy ae ual yard Reais oe fac, Ups amd dleurna, fut yours olways come Hhrcugh. for me-yersurhin its smuants fad. to’ fovrew your Dada, cud Sa Amd D fnow of come. Arrow pees for You tvens when. ave teen, FoR ME pions realy, pooped We: trout. er mich, Lo ONT WatuT TD MAKE” yyy pO ued he futine cd AMT REA E uA pak purtine, us ote Hee edt tan ec On at lott cuter, thon ethan ot people !!1) Hansa ond Hage! B® FWEAMD- pHa AuniveRsany ye WE WERE DOING P srittany’s dear Birra “pap” Nv YOU WT ITAL wRoug AGAIN! | Tua . PERFECT Tye HiMK Fou are = HE Way Fy, Ton beans ARE sdk SOME. oe yong WE SHoULp STDP wit (CON, HEN | py TE Comet GoeS MUFFHf truth is stranger than Fiction, | where-ave-the-Flying-monkeys?—— Dae 3/20 This week"s assignnent is to write @ short story in which your main character overcones adversity and learns a valuable lesson. Renenber: To URGATIVE WRITING: UR. o" NEILL receive a passing grade, jou must utilise both cinile AND netaphor. Don't forget to use your imagination! And although this is a short story, I expect at Least 100 cords. WOKE UP IN THE FUTURE!!! by Charles Ruttheimer Ill | woke up seeing stars. My head was spinning like a Vegas roulette wheel on New Year's Eve. Where was |? My eyes focused upon a quartet of beautiful aliens, busy massaging my feet and hands. They would have been indistinguishable from the more desirable type of female Homo sapien if not for their pointed claws, unusually curvaceous figures, and thigh-high boots made of an unidentifiable ultrashiny substance. It seemed like just yesterday that | had stepped into my experimental time- travel module and shut the door on my former life. I, Jack Hardison, inventor and man of action. | soon realized that the most hypnotically fetching alien was speaking English. Could this be.. could | be...on Earth??? “You see, all the males on your planet Killed each other long ago,” explained the attractive Amazon with the huge green eyes like almonds—it almonds were white and had big black dots in the middle of them. ‘She told me her name, but | could not pronounce it, as | had bitten my human tongue in surprise. “We colonized the globe and taught your women to clone themselves and perfect their physical beauty. Now that they are self-sufficient, our job is done. We were about to return to our home planet, but when you artived in your time-traveling spaceship, we realized that this was our one opportunity to observe the strange creature called ‘man’ that we had heard so much about” ‘So | was the lone male on a planet of females. A stray eel among angetfish. A single potato chip in a bowl of pretzels. What a grave responsibility. ‘They lifted me up upon their shoulders, which were strong yet supple, and carried me off. | rode a wave of fleshy loveliness MnQuinn's Room 1, MAKEUP CENTRAL The Temple of room, 7. WINDOW At ight, Quin foks up a the vast 2, POMPOM fi waxing try ut bearers and thnks sero hot what ses to wea. Cheerleading uti she ealied eveyone hast wear JEWELRY BOX Atha gitrs int gid. the sane ont, Especial when you yi at deters. 4. TRUNK Maybe Gin wi elinb nai someay and. STUFFED DINDdney getter Todt and tisappa oie she wont playing Sie al. 4 STUFFED DOG A git fam domi She tld dey 10. SMILEY FACE PILLOW Smite plastered ots and doy it was binhday present fom Grandma faceoff Rsemble aryane? Worgentoris. 5. BULLETIN BONRD ia el kep track faker ieee ca ee eles ist, 6, MIRRORS Gan’t have too many of these! Tig fines. . Quin hhas a dream voom. Caused by eating) too much cotton candy before bedtime: o LNIL a = Ml Al| antl Ye) SF BY/S% ea Ve11, CANOPY BED Fit fora princess The kind whe alls 14. BUBBLE GUAM MACHINE Emptying wut into a deep sleep that lasts for honreds of years. can gradual. Quins bea, peace 15, POSTERS OF BOY BABES Quin wishes real guys 12, STUFFED DUCK defy greta he. oul ert ep this it. She ra ontastariese se al tecame cleat. 4, WHAT'S UNDER THE BED Miseolamsons Now day dy. and Janie are chipping infor ast~ ates pail serch, birhrases, cates, foot tal pas gate sks, and hal-written letter to Parvin pon pl. 13, GLASSES For reading, Wh left hase here? ‘17. CARPETING So the sound of fot stamping won't distur hose elo.‘ 2 & 3 Bs & 8 & % : % E 3 3 Si & xs 3 3 zr € 5 i Now co _e weStarted seheol this week. [t's reassuring to know that ne matter where you go, kids are the same...stuPid and shallow. Shockingly, Quinn Fit in immediately; now. she’s managed to convince her new. Friends that it's just. a tointidente that two girls named. Morgendors fer happened to stark school on the same day. 1 kind of admire her for that. The way you'd. admire Attila the Hun for being focused. Nok everyone here is Friendly and popular. There's this one girl named Jane whe is snide, antisocial, and resentful. Finally, a friend. Jane invited me over after sthool to watch Sick, Sad World and help barricade the front door in case someone tried to Foreclose on the house. (Her parents ave out of the country for afew months and forgot to leave the mortgage Payments.) [ met her brother, Trent He's a musician, whith means he sleeps all day and doesn’t have a job. This is a cool family. Trent started talking to me, and. the conversation was going Pretty wel until he fell asleep. Jane says that’s his worst habit, and. that it's really Annoying when he does it while driving. But Trent asleep is move interesting than Quinn. awake. Hmm, maybe I'd better burn this page. I'd hate for this diary to come back to haunt me when I'm nominated to the Supreme Court.ih s ae Memories ea See SEL ail Whe are you cole, and what. do you want, From me? Guinn takes her Fit baby steps Teo bad she didn’t KeeP going,Quinn never showed uP. She couldn't detide on an outfit. The teacup ride was where things really got out of hand. Quinn in her awkward stage. It lasted about a week.The Grand Cam Mom was coe ee the only one with an adult: library card. | told the counselor that | couldn't participate in Color War betause it was against my religion. And that kickboards were theLAWNDALE LIONS 70: ALL TEAM MEMBERS FROM: MICHAEL JORDAN MACKENZIE, CAPTAIN LET'S TACKLE BUS BEHAVIOR This is your wake-up call, guys. Some changes need to be made around here. The discipline and sportsmanship we display on the field is not evident on the bus. We shouldn't fumble our hard-won reputation for excellence: Let’s be known for our triple-threat ground attack, not for tying the entire Oakwood marching band together with elastic vandages. I'm sure our coach, Wr. Gibson, would agree. (Update: He's almost done paying his debt to gociety and assures ne that when the georuiter,used the word “kickback,” lr. Gibson thought he said “sickoff.”) Please read this handout more than once, so the rules stick in your brain. TRE FOLLOWING PRACTICES ARE FORBIDDEN: 1. Hiding cheerleaders in the little bathroom at the back of the bus. 2. Punting helmets in the aisle. 3. Forcing any teammate to wear his wristband as a belt. 4+ Garbo-loading someone against his will. Using your head as a weapon (otf the field). | Throwing protective cups out the windous-they’re not cheap, you know Pouring sports drink over the driver’s head while the bus is in notion. 8. Stuffing the towel boy into the overhead rack. 9. Hanging out the windows and picking fights with tractor-trailer drivers. 10. Singing the fight song more than ten times in a row. (Sure it’s catchy, but let’s save those vocal cords for the game. Humming is equally annoying—especially if you are the quarterback and have been told @ hundred tines.) MACKMR. o'mEILL Due 3/20 This week's avsignuent is to write a short story in which your main OUR SPARKLY LOVE By Brittany Taylor ‘Chelsea Talbot was the most successful woman in the world of making hats. She lived a fancy life that most people only have dreams about. She could get champagne anytime and had a really big house, which was also tastefully decorated. But something was missing. Could it be...love? She was bor poor and not prety. Her real name was Gertrude, bt she changed it. She Knew she had to become a different person I she Was going me om en lel anda AY Los saved up her allowance and went to Pars whete she leaned French and how to dress nice and dyed her hair red. Now she was a fox! on vi oe There was a knock at her office door. She combed her fingers through galore her fiery mane and then got up to answer it ONG “Hello, Chelsea.” It was Rake Bohan—her rival and archenemy. He had a pouty mouth and. black wavy hair and a body like a sculpture, but he was snotty. Still..what ‘was he really like underneath the lousy exterior? “Leame for the money. And you better give it to me or I'll go to the ‘newspapers and tell them all about your affair with the Duke of Tahit His lower lip curled in a cruel way. He knew the Duke of Tahiti was ‘married and the news would cause quite a scandal. (By the way, she was an innocent virgin at the time and didn’t even know there was a Duchess!) All ofa sudden, she remembered her night with the Duke of Tahiti—she in er piece of cloth that wraps around the wast and hein his thing like a bathrobe, but without the belt. She thought it was love then, bat it was probably more ofa fling. No, she had never been in love: Not yet “What do you want? Money?” Rake smiled. It was an evil smile, but cute “No, I HAVE money, I want YOU.” we The air in the room al of sudden go ikea saund“But Chelsea couldn't open up the windows, since it was an office building withthe kind of windows you can't open, She remembered when she had first laid eyes on Rake. She had just dove off a cliff in the South of France and as a big white boat happened topoets Dees watching television tolate ws from one Another? God, | hoPe-so, Daria and Tane’s All-Time Fovorite Episodes of SICK, SAD WORLD 5. “HELP! MY SIAMESE TWIN SSES TOO‘Schrecter, Eric In my own defense, fr ometer, ie Pd like to plead sanit To: Sehrecter, Bric Subject: Sleepy surgeon Prioriey: High use Garcia wants to settle. T think litigation would be a big mistake: Dr. Krakow has adnitted to ne that he fell asleep briefly during the operation ced ee “vakening. an entire team of residents viove. pee econ ee that our original claim that a preexisting skin i: condition caused the partial renoval of « perfectly healthy apiees woy't held water And 1 want’ these photos off my desk! Two hundred thou and’ Let rca wl Semporarily "ali eurned around’ upon the procedure, a Lives: ‘sell get on with our (CSenracier Ere Prom: Morgendorffer, Helen tor Seneecter, Eric Subject Rethinking Dress-Down Friday co tate sar ceen i reat Br eoaraad eer ane ary PHC) ([Schrecter Ene. 7] From: Morgendorffer, Helen fo: Schrecter, Eric Subject: Hinge Expert Hightalls Te Priority: Urgent our expert witness in the Peterson door-hinge Liability case has backed out. He claims to have gotten 2 "better gig” with the collapsed-1ifeguard-chair proceedings that have everyone talking. We mist address this problen imediately: We are losing them lefe and right to high-profile circuses with televised proceedings. Pither we up the ante or the only expert witness we'll have left is the guy fron the newsstand Sownstairs who knows a whole lot about gum, ([Sehrecter, Eric To From: Morgendorffer, Helen To: Schrecter, Bric ject: Next Wednesday Priority: High Gust wanted to give you fair warning that I will be out of the office fron 3:00 co 3:20 next Wiednesday. I will be reachable by phone, of course. You have the number, ‘Schrecter, Eric 1 From: Morgendorffer, Helen ‘To: Schrecter, Bric Subject: An update Priority: High ‘the in-house counsel of Concepts in Construction remains uncooperative. They have changed their strategy five tines in the last five days. Their latest harebrained scheme is to claim that collapsed scaffolding is an Act of God. Where do we got these cliente, anyway? And the animal rights people are marching out front again. (Btw, what's the statue of the lap-dancing cat case?) Who needs this mishogose? I should have gone into naritine law. Sohrocter, Eric Prom: Norgendortfer, Helen for sehrecter, Bric ee Subjects Better to bow out. sective-scrunchie class-action suit e char 1 mst excuse nyself from the defective nagecnction yim afraid char T miss owas “have Just discovered that the individual whose | gue fo *Sebfaise.inatigsced the Proceedings $8 my daugncer Quinn, oe I could use the billable hours. pot happy about thie-T ©[Tike musiei ians. T| look Se, hey make me ua Cy) La) 18 Main Street + Lawndale Live and Recorded Music Seven Nights a Week ‘Try our Shovel Full 0’ Onion Rings! COMING UP: FRIDAY Ted O'Shaunessy and bis Songs of Starvation SATURDAY Sons of Morris A Tribute to the Doors SUNDAY Mystik Spiral Introspective Rock and Roll MONDAY. Jagger Meister Sounds of the Stones ‘TUESDAY. town Dance Party (vith) Jy JHB) ‘Women drink tropical drinks fee before 0 WEDNESDAY. Opal Praitve longings THURSDAY Showcase Night Open ike. Take your chances 21 to drink. You must be ove! ve seen them al No tame fake TDs, please-We'‘THE LAWNDALE LOWDOWN My parents want me to live upto my Potential, to fm careful not to tet them know what it is. EDITORIAL LIVING UP TO YOUR POTENTIAL By Jodie Landon Honor Society President on is a goal we should strive for, although we may never achieve it, It is an ideal we cannot realize, a destination we can never reach—yet all the more compelling because of its unattainable nature. Perfection fuels our accomplishments. It sits upon our horizon; we move forward, yet it recedes as we approach. Perhaps the lifelong struggle begins in infancy, when one baby is content to settle for her thumb, while another gropes for the brightly colored mobile just out of reach, But as that striving child matures, she discovers that she can't be all things to all people. If she manages to please Mother by blazing a trail in the corporate world, then how can she fulfill Father’s dream of seeing her as a shaper of public policy stamping the family name upon historic legislation? Besides, what if she really want to be a ballerina? So what if you would rather lie on the grass and look for shapes in the clouds? ‘That's what retirement’s for. For now, you have to get into college, then grad school Pause for a single moment and someone else may take the lead. Fun is a luxury you cannot afford. Is there any way out? Should you admit that you're not all that superior to the so called “norm”? Will the admission of a single mistake start an inevitable slide into poverty and disgrace? Do you often feel like you are playing a part and hiding your true self? Are you constantly asking yourself rhetorical questions? And why are ‘you dating the captain of the football team—because you like him, or because he's who he is and you're who you are and others don’t care to question the equation? So remember: There can be only one valedictorian, but there is no limit to the number of people who can try to be valedictorian and fail. So whether you are up on that podium on graduation day, or sitting way in the back making fun of me always do your very best—never mind the terrible, terrible toll it may take on your spirit Have a great summer!| seveen my ¢alls. And all other human interaction (CLICK) This is Charles. I can’t come to the phone right now, because I am ppado. I could tell you what I am doing, but let’s not ruin the mystery. At the tone, leave your name, number, and the time you called, and I will get back to you as soon as I can tear myself away from my life of intr about which I cannot be specific, lest I put both my life and yours in danger. (BEEP) oce (CLICK) No, no...not now, girls! This is Charles Ruttheimer the Third, and you have reached my answering machine...please, ladies, patience!...speak clearly at the tone and...I’m on my way, my dears!...they so hate to be kept waiting...anyway, I'll get back to you as soon as possible...if this is an emergency. well, so is a woman on fire! (BEEP) (CLICK) You have successfully contacted the underground grotto of The Ruttheimer Group, currently engineering our secret plan to achieve world domination by the year 2010. If you would like to know more about our plans to gain global control of mass media, subjugate the military forces of every nation on Earth, and install Charles Ruttheimer the Third as supreme ruler of all humankind, please leave your name and address at the beep, and we will send you an informative brochure and a free bumper sticker. (BEEP) (CLICK) This is the answering machine of Charles Ruttheimer the Second. To those business associates who have attempted to call me at home while I was overseas, please accept my apologies for the answering machine messages of the past few days. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and a brief description of what you feel would be an appropriate punishment for my son. (BEEP)“ conmitmnont to you aowth a sellin, 9 wpe you va ee ee 12 prome to gob the umy and lob you dincover who yow ane Ral aie oan aan ate 3 place this awl youn 9p cae os a won tame oe cg cy parece Tog He ee ao that, 3 haw though thin, thang oe eh We will rains om childon bo, be independent opis, pha Ses (ovo Wis bmie alone Sw the, presence of friends and teen ue tale cach, thes 9 man aod waa, She selation begin with wo! Joke Mog Capricorn oe Helen Barkodale, CancerTHE PINCUS-BIZHT SELF-CONCEP? INVENTORY Dear Student: Answer the following questions at your own speed and to the best of your ability. This test is practically confidential-the results will be shared with just a Zew adults who have only your best interests at heart. Have fun! lirs. Wanson School Psychologist Quinn Morgendorf fer la, Is this glass half empty or halt tu2i? Half full , 1b. How does that make you tee1? Lite the water isn’t very good, and he won't be getting much of a tip. 2. Draw the animal that best represents you in the space below: ® i Ves 3. vat doco this ohape make you think off How much it costs to dry-clean silk. 4+ As you read each word below, write down the first thing viaek /eggings meena big ‘Savings row calorie up scale 5. whet is this girl thimsng? Hou) is it possible to combine conditioner and shampoo in one hair-care product? §+ 1 you oguid change one thing about yourseli, what vould it be? V would “tan ‘more evenly. 7. If I disappeared trom the face of the earth tomorrev, no one would notice or care. True or talse. Mrs. Manson, | would care! ‘Cheer up! 8. Other people often don’t understand that I...+ look lke a size 3, but sometimes have to take a size 5. 9, 1 thie « dunny or a duck? A burny-but not avery cute one. 10. Which item doesn't belong? why? a) “, °) >) D. They don’t make corn-flavored gum. © STOP! Do not go on to the next page unless told to do so, or you may be labeled a delinquent personality.THE PINCUS=BIZET SuLP-conct Dear Student: Anawer the Zollowing questions at your on speed and to the best of your ability. This test is practically confidential-the results will be shared with just a Zev adulte who have only your best interests at heart. Have cun! irs. Wanson School Psychologist ane: Daria Morgendorffer la. Is this glass half empty or bali, full? half empty b+ How does that make you tee1? half bored to death 2. Draw the aninal that best represents you in the space delow: con Piaeen ise Nae nean te teesaeee cera tear “The darkness within. Or maybe its 3 butterfly contemplating the darkness within 4s Ae you xead each word below, write doun the first thing ‘that cones to mind. black future, nex strain of Ebela ‘big Pain in the butt oxest Common denominator sup uf and away 5. Whaat se thio girl thinking? What happened to my legs? 6. If you could change one thing about yourself, what vould it ve? My planet. 7. If 1 disappeared fron the face of the earth toncrrow, no one would notiee ox cares Tae oF fa18¢+ False | owe the Mob quite a bit of money. 8. otuer people often don’t understand that 1.....will be back someday to get them. CZ 9. Is this @ bunny or a duck? Neither. | would consider it a dunny. 10. watch item doesn’t belong? way? » f\ fo >) D. Ie te only nef nok amin be Brow dng the © next assembly. Short Do act go on to the next page unless old to 40 20s or you may bo labeled a Seringuent pereoneilty: It’s Far too late to worry about that.Optimist’s Weekly NAME GAMES (continued from page 67) “TIP THREE: PICTURE THIS! ‘One way to remember a name is to visualize a unique and arresting image and assoct- ate it with the person you have just met. Thus, if you are intro~ Guced to a fellow named George, you might think of George Washington, and. pic- ture your new acquaintance with a white wig on his head ‘and a large ax in his hand, chopping down a cherry tee. "Absurd images work best—but don't get caught gigelins! (This creates @ poor ‘mpression.) From the d TIMOTHY CCREATIVE WRITING: MR. O'NEILL This weeks gnnent is to write character overs to write a short story in which your adversity and learns A REALLY COOL STORY ABOUT ‘THIS COUPLE WHO WERE INACAR AND HEARD ON THE RADIO ABOUT A GUY WHO ESCAPED FROM THE MENTAL HOSPITAL WITH A HOOK FOR AHAND By Kevin Thompson ‘This is a story about someone who overcomes adversity and learns @ valuable lesson. It happened to @ friend of a friend of mine 3$+5+S=4S (Does the title count? Because if it does, I have 67 words, but if it en 7-4 $9 doesn’t Lonly have 44... mean, 47.) It's hard to write a story when you have to KeeP worrying about how Jong itis. If you keep counting over and over how can you concentrate? Like right there, that was 75 words, Make that 94 if you include this sentence but not the title, ‘One more and I'm done! The vy& vi rpoxs xames OF TELSKAPENSTEG oxbonleation-by dake torgendorsier Fare sioxgendoriier Consultingy—Ine+ Tolono, mexbers of the Uarketing Consultants Bing, to this month's Proven Proiite jie Horgendoviser. wany OF Tetworking Power Breakiast. I's Ja anor Hesse BE beEERE the SuECESETAT thar resulted ‘op, 0% the you wirent sang tera_vervicuiy-integrated-o¥Ta0C6y jn the RULE BNF; a-petsonity etate® me crooivegitss 06 nition doviars fp SETI: Omens os you porhapeoredet tet] Heesiain pea eae Peete BF ie wot neve te -OUgT TE WTE TO ANTS auning, 1'4 like to speak Whose immediate reac aa west ction #0 outright hostility te to Sessa ty Wergesee oteesny= ae-oste wot Desseat Stinger fietcnlied jou a goteann es lew a whistle into the phone or made an obs: nag Yemark implying @p unhealthy relationship bet 7 Yourself -and-e Close relative? Spee noes —teue,—ha—hat Che ne: : teitebe et Sie text ater ony List apes ait fg tale jou've been waiting Zor. Tou need a Thick skin in this deaees! = competitiveRah-rah, sis—boom bah humbug, nec g intin | Feats i 5 i a ntl ee oy fete m Saline gd nS ae Cun dbl, ja omall dot, un quota a gL, but ahd, mot gil spell. maki yout haan actll oyuinclly, ae aptabishey Meee Fon THe AUDIO Visual SQUAD FORTHE BUDR VS IEE SaUae nm the tage gets coker, WEEE Na Beadle ce pra Aachen the tts not ight ng rv. te Av's in tere ay") You say rmoshinss one busbel- He soy, righty Meena teat! oe ee fan the Slam gree Deseo heat, Fy’ a hl AV te, epeutrigt tye Meshal a! Moghe 1 alviaiyt pues AaAAARAAY. ..-YEECEEE H!!If the customer is always right, then what +the-hell-is-she-deing at-a place like this? 50 26 49 63 28 32 38 24 85 70 84Welcome to THE MALL OF THE cancer DIRECTORYroe! 1, Surveillanee ameras Wil 1 Seri be grounds for sus 6. Bathroom 7. Napox detectors per illion g. Peripher shortly au security enecks 9, From now onal chairs 1 10. The Latin C js disbande Club for the cio! sta 4 until ie nthe followin \a°s Greatest “Worl year’s Jnce Tast gnudents «recent supreme aghts of ommpietely texal runes directes at them oF otherwise“The road to college starts with self-knowledge.” Educational Coaching Systems The following worksheet will help you define your personal goals and aspirations. This information will prove invaluable when choosing a college and composing an application essay. Be honest—there are no right or wrong answers, only answers that admissions officers like or dislike. Your name: Daria Morgendorf fer 1. Who | really am: | have always believed myself to be a royal Princess snatched from her golden eradle by a band of rogue suburbani 2, Who Laspire to be: A vengeful queen. 3. What special quality do | value in myself? ‘My long, sensitive Fingers are perfectly suited to a career in safecracking 4. Do | prefer to spend time alone or as part of a group? Alone—unless the group in question is made up of worshipful sycophants. 5, Favorite hobbies and interests: Drag rating; light opera. 6. Major accomplishment: Lifting a Car above my head with one hand. 7. Biggest disappointment: Wings melted when | flew too close to the sun. 8. What is the neatest thing about myself? My sock drawer. 9. Who is my role model? My parents. They are living Proof that the insane Can lead Productive lives. 40. What do | want out of my collage education? A diploma< boo 4 Ne cee "Ye 4 : oka Se jyo!rn A ab ire DADO Igor noraiN WA ® waren Me agian cain eee Pa : KEVIN p s ae SoBe anor pee Stes lon't cai me Mack DAdSY - STUYINGD YeaH/ > Le Riguiray Go MACK DADDY HH! What the Heh ACE How TalKina Aloout 7 = . eeeeeah CPD Sox Z e : Woe wok > KS —_— 4 eat T in YO end Dox’REQUEST FOR PARENT/TEACHER CONFERENCE ‘Name of student: Daria Morgendopler Reason: _. cutting class __drop in grades — tardiness weapons possession .X_other (see below) Dear Mr. and Mrs. Morgendoplet, Tour usher, Daria, a fine stent whe rang encelont grades, But gras "Hal on the dashboard of student ain Crjustedness. I fear that Dsria's strong my masks 2 deeper, more SvoNs reise (Our interaction this Very se son was typically “charged”: WNEN * faguired as to whether she had © ed aay’s lesson. ber reply of TT yaly, deeply” did not strike re 8 sincere. And rote when T suggested she “tas OF Hy eet pass te Test back” se 109K piece cat paper and passed the rest BACK (0 Mie what could be a more clear Sit for help?) paper reliance on sarcasm as 2 mods or nterpersonal communication (ear to lead to detachment from her own feelings ode dhe of others do nt wish © A ‘you, but the “ironic distance” $0 P vr popular culture may Be a mere dangerous iPfuence on our young people th ‘iad violence on television and i inferrent ads combined. believe i le Daria may be using ber wit as © jefense une raniam.” it often gives the IPCI i eing # weapon, hurting those whe Te only Trying to help—yours truly for one esis and Mrs, Morgendople, 1m 20° ‘ashamed (0 try That sometimes, after 2 cONveSSTCD ‘with Daria... ache Tr cake a special interest in DAN Trin because she reminds Te Sh mnyseld at a YOUNE age, before | discovered eee and the writes of Me “Soot Peck. Can we Set UPS meeting, nee our earliest convenience a gets mater 3¢ would MEAD ‘so much to your davglnter’s future am cense of self-worth, sincerely Me Natt “timothy O'Neill ‘Lawndate High Schoo! Leash Language Ants/Dramatle orizons/Sel-Esteem WorkshoPDear Mr. O'Neill: Regarding your correspondence concerning my daughter Daria and her “sarcasm’: What color is the sky in YOUR world? Do you seriously expect me to discourage in a young woman the very coping mechanisms that will allow her to succeed in today's dog-eat-dog professional environment—one that demands dispassionate action over mushy emotionalism? This is the third note you have sent home re your vague touchy-feely notions of proper social behavior. At your request, | did speak to Daria about her “attitude,” and she assured me that her comments were hardly malicious, simply insightful. | regret that you found the truth to be painful, though if you spend all your time telling yourself that you're really, really all right after all, no wonder it comes as a shock to meet someone with a different opinion. | understand where you're coming from: | too have come to superficial realizations while hugging complete strangers on mountaintops. But it's time you acknowledge that this is the nineties. | believe your job is to teach my daughter about literature. If you want to hang out a therapist's shingle, do so on your own time. As a lawyer, | can assure you that in this state you do not need to pass any difficult licensing exams or earn any additional degrees in ‘order to do so. Even if you can't get something as simple as a STUDENT'S LAST NAME right. Best regards, Heder Mogentr fr Helen Morgendortter DICTATED BUT NOT READ cc: Jake MorgendortferBehind ind My Eyelid 6 by Trem Lane- Is lashes close Lsee my woes Sled aur Vee a co Th absence of light L night pet of bugs: Pass uisioy n we\ te cre es cig hae wy And Shallow graves lebr Kel fastry dee fen! my evelals oe amid yeu Cennot See A place thats jose for me Bend my eyelids S You weteh a teal Tr trickles clear And Glisteas on my Skin Leming My liquid pain Tee ea oh, warld plolene Weserbuby ierme in peek fest cot lot heres He Refert chorvsFitton the Fura a Tredt= Theres no flace to hive things We a Gee . 5 re bea ss nowhere ty hice Crom whats tye ee (91g ie Dawn here by the Lf th Eves tip, alavnys $e lr E Flom the Foran Tin From the sft Lin in Vinbo= how leu cen F ge? ly L. on's have 4 hesdbeacd) f OF box secing ob wie Chin My spicits ie low altinde honweg itr attress is Thin A : Dek iechiy my skin Pacattin Aad thar 30% helpin, my sed From the Foren Siem tle fron Basie aie Fim the furan Fron the futon Dm i labo Wepie 7) z iDear Mom and Dad, liy first week at military school was good, except they make you get up at six a.m, even if you’ tired because you stayed up all night holding it in because you were afraid to go to the bathroom (not me-someone else). We have letter writing nox from 20:15 to 20:25 (that’s military tine, whioa goes higher than normal tine). I have a stift upper lip, like you told me to. The Commandant said something atout breaking my spirit. I have one friend. His name is Randy, and he is here because he put his fist through a wall. He is a good pal to have. He asked me why I was here, and I told him I don’t know. Please tell me, so I won't do it again. One of the other guys told ne they censor the letters just like in the real Aray, but I think he's « i? QM i nave an important job: I am on the laundry squad. I will try to make you proud. If I make you proud, can I come home soon? Your son, Jake i'n sure TF gor the oaz® at had pecause a a the wroré *: pea at Dect put sometime axess s00ks ge pictures messed up *B weird raeness 7 ea) see you on ¥om and Dady pear i we gma to Shar ones 2 “hat to € stop mee sacriticit ena Or ote He Oe oe ay and 22 rbaieto cat sent! : net ngs wen the vous 2 Ty Meryender br Dear Wor and Dad, tere I an on the Leadership Platoon Reaction Course. Yes, they've made @ man out of me—a man forever tuszred by soul-smushing, Minis etioas. It's been four jeare of Living GB Touse going to force me to stay here, aren't you? I've got 98 demerits, but they still won’t kick me cee rag ea Usa fas yeaa feveted entree Peck rate nate et Tatil ee iay Baent TEE AWGz-r would havo gore vith hiny tnt ohy give Fonts| ontiarertlonstie de tadt vend are cit me forget it. Well, I'll sh yous If I’ve learned anything here, it’s how to control my arecfenitase} pr ofeva Nenlesreisca Eceartaae™ I’m going to stay the course and graduate so that aloes (oe) ot vay RzaTts Fetaya lest eve ca eulssuatce asarscyaNeIn ams callpet (om: I know this whole thing wasn’t your idea— patkesyecteceraVercnaepeeca rer) Love,Se Ese ee Leeenone is smarter than she ‘ak ‘ ‘THE LAWNDALE se DEAR BRITTANY ‘An expert answers your questions about life, love, and lipstick Dear Brita You are so smart, maybe you can help me. [have a really great A aaa Dear Brittany, boyfriend, but sometimes he ub - like a boy from a rival football doesn’t give me all the attention | pO Reon een y oe team. He likes me back, But if we deserve. He spends way too much Just Wondering, {get together, I'm afraid I will lose time at football practice and all my friends and I will have to _ watching the Pigskin Channel. He Dear Wondering, quit the cheerleading squad. doesn’t get it that a woman needs Opposites attract, but so do sames. ‘i RAT aia to feel special, and a great way to eee Gee ‘make her feel special is to buy her ‘guy you have things in common jewelry, What should I do? Dear Tor, wwith—and I don't just mean your This sounds just like my favorite Taken for Granted lips line up. Otherwise you might jay, Romeo and Juliet, except that end up waiting around ata boat jopefully you don't both die in the Dear Taken, show for four hours while he looks end, And Shakespeare didn't have You sound like a super terrific girl at stupid old motors, and then any cheerleaders in his play, who should be treated much better, you'll probably have a fight and because there weren't any back especially by a guy who is lucky to ruin youn makeup, Dut then, And football players don't _be going out with you at all. Maybe Tee Far wear tights, Actually, they do, in a he is super cute, but you could be way. What was the question? Oh, going out with someone who is just Dear Brittany, Tlike the same guy as my best friend, What should I do? yeah, you should follow your heart, a litle less cute and maybe you ‘but don’t tell anyone at school. And will. I think your boyfriend should if they find out, you can always say shape up fast. If he were reading Feeling Guilty you were on a spy mission. (And this now—which he better be, the hope you're not talking about a dumb quarterback jerk—he would Dear Guilty, certain Oakwood quarterback who realize that he should take you Td go for the guy. Once you have a has a black convertible wth red someplace extra nice this weekend hoyfriend, you don't have much leather seats, because it may turn _and beg for forgiveness because time to hang out with other girls, out that he was just using you, not otherwise he's going 10 be anyway. that I would know.) yesterday's lunch. Do you have a question for Brittany’ Type or print clearly, on the cutest stationery you can find, using simple sentences and words that everyone knows, ‘and send your question to: ASK BRITTANY c/o THE LAWNDALE LOWDOWN, 61Life in Lawndale is.as extiting.as ever. That's the Problem. My Family is active and. busy. Mom has thrown-herself into-home and-work, except for the home part-Dad-has- thrown himself inte reading, the-paper-at-the table. Quinn-has threatened-to-throw Keveel? in Front of a train if she's not. allowed to date on weeknights. F've got the daily routine down Pretty well now. Go to. school, avoid making eye Contact with teachers, get called on anyway- Walk halls between Classes, be ignored by other students. Go home, listen to parents’ frantic messages on answering machine about working late, watch TV. [t's a good life. | just hope | can keep up the frenetic pace. Oteasionally | think about. doing something to. change my situation, but where am | going to get hold of a Stealth bomber?Today is the first day of the vest of your | life. Not. much. bo look forward to, is it?Drie Pea Mea Te pin Fest ee hol ane Aine 088 "out Meter on 2 Seta ee Pe ftite nth Sane Seep Get. 23: Tharsdy 4 clas Field tip-to museum (Forget slates) ents Area 5 chat room Posing as io ives a d Ed ay Deadline For literary magazineW ee meaningful for Seen — Me. O'Nei pee sti iday surpr Cheek Foretast Ch | For oon Oct. 20: Monday a Bring in dorama of Haymarkck Riok = renth test: Read Tintin Comits ck. 22: Wednesda 3 : |people you would Sing Computers are a great way to meet 4 vevelting in Person Hi oe ‘The Charles Ruttheimer IIz Homepage + Gauuery oF ‘ERISTY_ BABES Click here for ny picks: la creme de La les frisky femmes. ie Where Wi stands for Wow Wow Wow! * ‘SHE SHEMP ENGIN It's a big job, but gotta do it. * MAKE-OUT MUSIC Dim the lights and download these sexy song snippets. * JOKES _1 ‘HEARD_IN H Updated daily. (Warning: Some materia!) o's CHARLES TD couscrinuts Sarroly collection OMG, of fest tees Sy premiums: Season by ate, Sovis tesla.Charles Ruttheimer III Presents: ‘THE GALLERY OF FEISTY BABES AGENT SCULLY ELEANOR ROOSEVELT X-citing! I’m no jot “hot,” but just skeptic...she’s as ry denying she was feisty as they come! feisty-you cannot! ABON FLUX ‘TERI HATCHER Wot as feisty as the competition, but who am I to argue with Superman? Click here for ‘eri GIFs. MYSTERY LADY PRINCESS LEIA 1 fear she’é kill you don’t need me if 1 revealed The Force when her identity. you're feisty! Now that’s feisty! Nominate a candidate: email to: feistygaleu, wave.com Back to Ultrasuave Universe Hone » Bikini Island catalog Beoepe $0 8 Sropical L'Appréciation de_ paradise. Like a Jiny dercy Lewis Buffett song without Tm French. But you will Jimmy Buffett—the best ‘enjoy it, since le Jerry speaks the universal a language of laughter. * Monty Python Trivia ‘guise * Cofteepot cam Over 1/000 questions. T Real-time feed of coffee won't tell you my score, brewing. strangely for it would make you pei: feel inadequate. * Captain Muscle FAQ soc.history. brassiere Complete origins of all The only newsgroup I read threo. parallel larly: Faseingtin Snivertes! “a * Virtual tour of the Playboy Mansion Grotto Circa 1964. (1 hear it’s pretty dull there since Hef got hitched.) Do try the "Shoot Your| just Finished a stil life as-a-self-portrait— To: All Field Trip Participants From: Ms, Defoe Our trip to the County Museum of Modern Art (COMMA) will take place this Friday. The bus will leave from the school parking lot at 8:00 A.M. Bring a notebook and pen, an open mind, and a packed lunch—food available at the museum is preity, but overpriced Here are some tips to make your art experience both educational and enjoyable: DO's AND DON'TS DO pay attention to the tour guide—or at least look like you are. DO wear your litle metal button at all times. DO keep your hands to yourself: We don’t want another fiasco like last year’s urn incident at the Palace of Pottery. DO jump up and down on the front steps like Rocky. You're only young once DO write down how the art makes you feel. If it makes you feel nauseous, place your head between your knees and breathe deeply. DON'T snicker at the nudes DON’T try to see how close you can get to the paintings without setting off the alarm, DON’T step on anything that could be art DON'T ask the guard if he hates his job. DON'T go looking for the dinosaurs—that’s another museum, DON’T pick up any “free” souvenirs in the gift shop. Kevin, ‘THINGS TO KNOW ABOUT ART 1. If it doesn’t look like anything, maybe it’s supposed to be an emotion, 2. If it’s not an emotion either, it’s “art for art’s sake.” 3. Believe it or not, the biggest paintings are not always worth the most money. 4. If you are puzzled by something, say “How postmodern!” and move on, 5. Sculptors are moodier than painters. (At least that’s been MY experience.)Toes wo 085% Meet MANATEE GOLLEGE euank stAdo) FESMes FouNDED A.D. 1982 f DALY TEHTERATUREL. ZT AvERAS pear Ms. Quinn Morgendorffer, we are pleased to Snsoeil Yer that you have been accepted into the undergzad- eataiprogram of Manne ee pas Se alerer ee oe aoe ofticielly applied YO Megitation £06 SSeEE PSS srudenting precedes YOU Bee teei ace muritied. +0 Offcr you early aanission- Nour excellant work 26 Je High School has 5° ae we are confident. in YoU mmpility to succeed aS @ member of OUF ey piere iei ee aeons tp #111 out confusing form or com- Simply return the RSVP cera in the enclosed ‘envelope impressed US student body pose bothersome essa¥e? ‘even need a stamp! yaitee collede(s Deemer accormodations and flexible academic standards* ‘among the most innoval Ve peirngeraceie eat of higher leamn~ ang in the Norida. The soothing sound of roll relaxing educational envirorment, and OU poolside Library Coma” Te more than Too books and books-on- CARS" oe aiobiocgerye che curriculum.+ Room jlable at all times ie eaavre your Diponaean rs freshman class three proetly aoe a he necessary financial Good work, quine you don’t place it sexvice is aval years from now, please xespond jpackground check. T ateenbowakt Lone es Ye ‘Man Morrison, Ranissions Officer nop gocial Director nunc cai ofl vo sega we MS ee ae 51000 par seme “Nene Sage wt rr sei i cm we oP vaienen fm cr Se OEE POP Kno wiledge is Power, unless you'reE | Wish you were here | We could switth places, oeSaas. amd Tat IN THE PETRIFIED FOREST!you are etween the yes of 20 ad 50 and nd yourself reading the ture, you ay igible to ceive $25 filling out simple rm. 2e Ms. anson. Pink tafieta sown. Size 8. ever worn. B reacting, se ag ont ut. mahen ane hill Min ib just proves you diy aS A TD tc! pment clap Hh et ab a Te wie at ap 4, the Set) + 700 pam: Rarat wedrerey ie month =. + Urnclale wormen's conker (apotre jucl A jujahna) * up Arehing, rihuals we ¥ iA Re Bir romth A horpise ey ioe ee een eT oh crue is case whe Hhe bell carer enyuom sen Tae BOE en ack you rahi Cae tate boty cial (Bayne Bagg bencler~-olon't Gab any Maan 10h yor Superfine Ayyolreun Algne Tutnitoens. Yotimin. DrinkCREATIVE WRITING: UR. O'NEILL pus 3/20 Tis week's asoignzent is to write @ ohort story in which your main saversity and learns a valuable lesson. Temenbert To y sinile AND metaphor. Do! cone: receive a passing grade, you mst utilize bot! ter overcome! ‘THE MALEVOLENT SECRET OF HADDON HALL By Daria Morgendortfer | arrived at Haddon Hall a lonely, bereft orphan. My reprobate father had left my innocent mother for a small-waisted dance-hall girl, and the po ye” qs Saintly soul had gone insane and thrown herself into the swirling Thames. oot ‘fo ‘My father was later found strangled with a stocking. ee | was a desperate animal, shaking with fear and hunger. My shoes were caked with mud and my brow flushed with fever. As thunder roared around me, a jagged streak of lightning ripped through the sky and struck a massive oak tree. It cracked in two and fell, landing inches from where | stood. Was this a foreshadowing of things to come? I had been summoned by the mysterious and reclusive Monsieur La Forge, who had agreed to take me in upon learning of my parents’ untimely demise. Rumor has it that my mother (whom | resemble to an astonishing degree) had spurned his affections years before. But what was his interest in me? | felt misgivings, but...anything for a free meal, | always say. ‘The door creaked open and a ghostly, wizened face appeared, “You must be Eliza. Enter. Monsieur has been expecting you.” | followed the hunched and ancient form into a dank, dusty room, draped with velvet curtains and ablaze with the light of dozens of candles. Monsieur La Forge stood with his back to me. When he spun around, | could not help but gasp: His teeth came to ivory points, and his eyes were bright yellow and feline in appearance. Bloodstains dotted his shirt. My pulse quickened. Something was not right. So | pulled the wooden stake from under my bodice and thrust it deep into his chest. And a few well-placed kicks to the gut disabled the creaky ‘old geezer. Then | cut off his head just to be on the safe side. For you see, my meek appearance belies an observant nature. ‘And | always carry a wooden stake when venturing into unfamiliar surroundings of a Gothic nature. I'm no dummy. | tore the bejeweled pendant from the dead vampire’s neck and began compiling a mental list of reliable pawnshops. If | hurriedPOPULAR ARE YOU? much easier! If youre a regular reader of WAIF (and have been following our beauty be sure? Take our simple test and find out! 1. What qual friend? A. Sense of humor, character, and do you look for ina intelligence. Someone who won't steal my boyfriend. E) Nice hair, expensive car, perfect eyebrow atch 2. How would you describe the ideal guy? A. A sincere person who accepts lo s me for who I am, He shows up. (C)is family has a different house for each T= more to life than being popular, but when you're popular, everything else is so idvice and personality tips), you're probably pretty popular already. But how can you 3. My social circle is made up of: A better. B. People I like and want to get to know so ey'll invite me to parties, a People I don't like, but I wane everyone to know I hang out with ople I like and want to get to know 4, How big is your closet? A. T've never measured it. Less than 36 cubic feet. More than 36 cubic feet.* “If you need help measuring, ask your math tutor or a cute guy.ee ee ee 5. How often do you date? A.Alot. B. Quite a lot. As much as humanly possible. 6. How do you treat people who are less popular than you? Like everyone else. oy make believe I don't see them. I dor't have to make believe, since I really DON’T see them. 7. How do you treat people who are more popular than you are? A. Like everyone else, Better than everyone else. There aren't any. 8. How important are good grades? find ie rewarding to succeed academically. B, Somewhat: Otherwise my parents will yund me. }Exeremely: Or I could end up at some ‘community college without fraternities or a decent football team. 9. When you invite someone to a party, they usually say. A.“Uh..thanks.” B, “Idd love to come.” Oris is the greatest day of my life!” 10, Imagine you have an unpopular sister. What do you do? A. Tell her [love her whether she is popular or not. B. Encourage her to be friendly and going. /Ask my parents to put her up for adoption,When two hearts beat as one, Someone needs a checkup. WOMEN SEEKING MEN: ee SR aru oie sonar ay Coeh Seem att Seer eceaee Sane oes cere aes Soe oete sere cn, Pe Sa cesta andis ac ANTHONY DEMARTINO sar, mie man vith My" incest ince! eran Dear Miss Box-holder 4848, | was intrigued by your ad. Although | rarely venture out amongst the brutish hordes who haunt the cookie-cutter chain restaurants and booze-drenched meat markets that pass themselves off as social gathering piaces during these waning days of our civilization, |, too, ‘am hoping to meet that certain special someone to cuddle. | ditfer from the common testosterone-pumping behemoth you might encounter in tat |/am at peace with mysell. | enjoy @ quiet night at home with a good book, a roast chicken, ae ee ioes of my two wellformed feet comfortably wiggling about in my prized whirlpool foot massager. All | need is the right woman to complete the picture. am a SWM, 48, svelte, with salt-and-pepper hair and intense good looks. | am magnetic, honest (perhaps too much so) and of intligence far above average. When you mee! ine, You will ee that these things are true. | demand much from myself and others. Some find Me brusque, but inside Iam a warm, caring individual who merely, sadly, finds the majority of other people on the planet to be exasperatingly slow-witted | am an educator by profession and a philosopher by temperament. | have never Deen utmed, although |'éid co-habitate back in my “beatnik” days. We are stl fiends, although we have not spoken in years. ‘At your leisure, please write to me at the address below. | hope to meet you soon to attempt intimacy. Respectfully yours, } at y 210 Barker Drive Lawndale3 : 8 é & s I's great that m It cuts down en all that useless conversation, ESAT. 41119 4NWLTASWOD ONIWOD 3HL 3AINNNS OL MOH EPO Bl TT SO Re EEL eeD Thema INIHLAHAAa TOOHOS AHV. tol prot ats E |Lying here on my bed, staring at a fascinating crack in the ceiling, | consider the past year. I've left.a place where | don't fit in and moved toa whole new plate where | don't fit in. |'ve made a new friend who is equally unpopular, so that together we really drive people away. And, thankfully, f tan always count on my family...to make me want to join the Witness Protection Program. Yes, things have really improved in the last twelve months. By which | mean they haven't gotten any worse: At least keePing this journal has been a valuable experience: Maybe | Flatter myself, but | think | could be a professional writer if | put my mind to it: A bitter, angry hack who starts fistfights at cocktail Parties—| could do that job. Anyway, the sun is setting, the moon is rising, and | ¢an hear the lonesome sigh of the wind outside my window—no, wait, that’s Quinn's blow dryer, The future is an enormous question mark, and | dont know what lies ahead. | only know that if it moves, I'm shooting it. Dariaecial glimPse 1f you'd like to shave 3 very # = inte the innermost hoPes and dreams & sensitive teenage gj. -kee? movind But if you want of sarcastic ee about i ts, psyche ads, Poseurs, Paren oe and the other frightening Caets of American hi a “te th wight book: ayo ve Lame bo the right oe 2p ONY, F v nf US ON THE WORLD WIDE wEB- ae ees Sinton 671-01 | i Ison i 9) nM wu Ui