Weiter: Peggy Nice Editor: Michele Tomasik Art Direetor/MTV: Karen Hyden Art Direction/Reiner Design: Roger Gorman and Leah Sherman Art Production Manager: Bryon Moore Production Manager: Sara Duffy Production Assistants: Patrick Intrieri, Christine Dekhi, Laura Murphy Artists: Aaron Augenblick, Anthony Davis, Kirk Albert Etienne, George Fort, Guy Moore, Olivia Ward, Natalia Zvabova Color Supervisor: Olivia Ward Color Designers: Michael Cavallare, Chris Costan, Laura Margulies, Amy Melson Daria Creative Supervisors: Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis Lynn Spetial Thanks at MTV: Eduarde A. Braniff, Cindy Brolsma, Avery Cobern, Janine Gallant, Julie Johns, Andrea abate, George Lento, Kim Noone, Rebin Silverman, Denald Silvey, Machi Tantillo, Abby Terkuhle, Van Toffler Spetial thanks at Pocket Books to: Brian Blatz, Gina Centrello, Twisne Fan, Lisa Feuer, Max Greenhut, Donna ONeill, Liste Stehlik, and Kara Welsh. Also thanks te Greg Wade at Color Associates This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, Plates, and i ration or are used fittitiousy. idents ave either Products of the author's imayi~ An Original Publication of MTV Books/Pocket Becks ol, POCKET BOOKS, a division of Simon and Schuster, Int 1230 Avenue of the Ameri¢as, New York NY 10020 Copyright © 1998 by MTV Networks. All rights reserved, MTV Music Television and all related titles, logos, and tharatters are trademarks of MTV Networks, a division of Viacom International Ine. All vights veserved, inclading the right te reproduce this book or Portions thereof in any Form whatsoever For information addvess Pecket Books, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York NY 10020. ISBN: 0-671-02596-1 First MTV Books/Pocket Becks trade paperback printing November 198 109765432 Pocket and tclophon are registered trademarks of Simon and Schuster Ine. Printed in the USA.fla Alumni Newsletter MIDDLETON MUSINGS/ WINTER 2 Celebrating his eleventh year as a snowboard instructor in Winter Park, Colorado, Lad Duncan writes: “Hi! Are you?” Lad wants you all to know that the “powder’s bitchin’ " and that his son's moved out soit's safe to come on down....L.A. transplant Marjorie Kurtis says she's given up her acting/food management careers to become a writer. In her first self-published book, The Art of Acting, Marjorie gives an insider's view on how to make it to the top...dake and Helen (Barksdale) Morgendortfer recently held a big bash for their twenty-third wedding anniver- sary. Helen wants those who attended to know that daughter Daria is feeling much better and is back to her cheerful self. "She had the flu, which sapped her energy and made herailittle sarcastic.” Helen also adds that Daria's sister, Quinn, was just joking when she said her biggest fear in life is to have an ugly child. “It’s that Morgendorffer wit!” Helen swears she'll make the next reunion and Jake writes: “Hey, it any- ‘one needs some first-rate marketing consulting, I'll give you the old college discount!”... Congratulations to Nancy “Woodsy” Woods for passing the bar. Nancy graduated from Middleton Law in’79.and plans to practice in Sunvale... Ityou're inthe Santa Fe area, make sure to visit Doug Preston behind the counter at Turquoise and Trinkets. japidTransmit trom Darial have then branded. T want to keep track of my classmates after graduation, so I’m planning toBb Baby-sitting Spreadsheet, Quinn’s Proof that you're never too young for highlighting! Name/Kid Phone Television Elliots 900 accessible Satelite Parker, Wick Conference calling No V-Chip Calforwarding Big screen pre ia Calkwaiting Bulky remote Cute. If they inherit their father’s looks. Hanlons Calhwating Cable Julia, 9 “69 Average size screen Katherine, 12 (Gulia insists on watching figure skating, Could those outfits be any tackier? And what's withthe frosted shadow?) Really cute and smart. Always asking me where | got my clothes Caller ID. display! Greens Not cordless-is that No cablell Todd, 8 legal? And gross sticky | Okay home-movie stuff on the part you hold | selection, though, Walks funny and has with your hand. arreally round head, Mr. O'Conner 900 accessible Big screen Jackie, 7 Calhwaiting Screen within screen Three lines! (watch music videos AND Fashionvision although difficult to follow both at same time) Satelite dish Surround sound Philips Jonathan, 6 months Too much of a crybaby Long-distance block No callwaiting! Small screen hidden away in depressing family room. Perfectly good shelf space cluttered by books.Tt takes a village to watch my sister watch a child. House Food Notes Rating ‘Spanish; wear earth tones. ‘Soda (diet and non) Babies, diapers: bad. | Four smileys Swimming poo! (heated) ‘Square chips Can't tell parents about Makeup mirror in bathroom, Round chips pool parties: good Complete view of driveway from | Ridged chips house; backdoor escape route. | Salsa Barbecue Chips Tortila chips Onion dip Albwhite furniture makes spills | Soda (no diet) Katherine's sweet, but she | Pass, unless difficult to conceat-do not Babysitter “plate” of kept asking me stupid | Mom's having her invite Jey over. vegetables and fruit is questions ike how alight. | Successful Wear warm colors for insuting bulb works. lexolained | Women's Support good contrast. Found dessert with the “off” and “on” switch | Group over. ‘crunchy top hidden in toher and then she just vegetable bin walked away. Only Daria’s clothes would go with | Beef sticks and other Demon child Todd kept | Already had their such dumpy furniture unpopular people food trying to make me play | number blocked Unattractive dog, Gross meat loaf and cheap _| games with him. See about having grape ice cream hidden in| Finally agreed to hide-and- | Stacy put on FC locked garage fridge-tke! | seek, then went back to | probation for would touch that! Pretty Woman. referring me. Super modern! The best! Mr. Conner calls | Jackie wouldn't go to bed | Five smileys! Leather furniture me that morning to stock up | until told her the fashion | Mr. O'Conner is so ‘goes with everything except my suede clogs. Switches control lighting, music; automated driveway gate-have friends park down street. ‘on my favorites! monster would come after her and turn her Clothes into polyester. She's so cute! e! He's even asked me to go sailing with him! Colonial Furniture really old and what's with hanging carpets on walls? No bright colors or T-shirts with slogans. Surprisingly good, although not sur if Joey should have eaten that rum cake, Hope he got home allright Vent from Jonathan's room connected to family room, so we had to listen to him crying all night One smiley Gave them Sandis number.Bb Budgets, Weekly Discretionary Income QUINN #350 “Hany Rainbow ” nail decals BS Ocean Bye serunchy (although t looks more iite Sky Bue) Eariings for Sandi's birthday aresent (based on estimate Sf what she spent on my present) #IS For Daria to telf vy date She's @ foreign-exchange student 47-50 “Hapy Rainbow ” nail-decal remover #600 True Blue Serunchy in velveteen #7 Sheer orange scarf (note: Don't use. as Vamp- shade. decoration this time) BIE More reprints of sehoo! aetures (see iP Mom wif eimburse) Quinn's abhowance Daria's attowarce 36 Model boat kit ¢ $28 Two vourda of beer at the Rathskebler ; the p ay #1 Green Serunely eae Notes. Short again! Matinee "Gimme Shelter: Wear halter top to dinner eer, wasting for the pugs to show up and p back. JerkA, cing form, beta (Damnation tucks!) Lurch at yp Cafe br dep. ‘She aft,” Natiree(= Mapidtransmit trom DariaM=—— A penny saved isn’t worth a dime. Pizza 6 HIS Mr. Fun's World of Games #45 Montana cabin fund 500 515 Dowie's allauonce, 545 “Waking Friends fr Fun Profit y breakfast 5 Retaveh heal shot for gress ererts 50 Birthelay present fr Rita oviowe who bough se ution to No Meous Nie 510 sto thot oamno belt or else. a5 iohele Laven (note: th call next eanunitee oping 500 Quin (she. loses thot halter top or else) 530 Breakfast senior Breaking pls Profitable to Do-Cc Canberra, E-mail from Daria Subject: Satellite Dish Dear Nicole, Yes, it’s true. High school in America is every bit as exciting and glamorous as what you see on TV. Just yesterday Brittany (she’s a cheerleader—that’s an American term for “brain-damaged”) woke half the class when she got a piece of gum stuck in her part. I offered to dissolve it with some of the sulfuric acid I've been stockpiling, but her boyfriend, Kevin, who loves her very mich, wouldn't allow it. He was afraid it might change her hair color. The academic program here is rigorous. If you don’t know how to throw a football, they make you take tests and write papers. Last week we had to write about current events. Mr. 0’Neill liked my essay “Do We Really Need an Ozone Layer?” so much, he’s invited my mother to school to discuss it. All this excitement is killing me. Very, very slowly. Don’t worry about Americans judging you on your criminal ancestry. Most people here know very little about Australia except that it’s in Europe somewhere. In point of fact, Australia is so far away that you may never get any visitors from Lawndale. Hey. Would it be very hard for me to get an Australian green card? 1/4 move to Australia after high School, but it’s too close to hone.C C Cheerleader Etiquette pe TO SCHOOLSPIRIT! rpeneverwe'seatabizgame, WS know that atheyes are on us. But What ITY of us forgets that people TOOK 1S for Leader: BE cheerleaders let'snotlet our ans down! Right?! Right! 2 € D nue, 5 era afew Dosand Dons ‘e-_pO keepaty roomed tds? ons! revenge EN of course you're really cote and pretty—You poulg’t be a Cheerieader FIO weren't! But that a ings 5 ean, you wens your tend t cme 10 shoot na DS, would yO9? Pa arene otis tT é Tynan nies i 4 thiamine aways check yours and Grrr tercen clases. Ra spots 1 aye vn good comingand E08 om aah DON'T look Sad! Thee aesopston= CEE” sokeep sgmiting at all times. 1 tHe teacher starts talking about something ally Depressing ike a war of plagve OF something, just pretend Re oF she is describing a movie and picture the Happy Ending yourhead! Bre wan, ands pee ee wind DON get “igh write it’s okay to date civilians it they're really pO date athletes! cute and have realy €08} Cars, your Public Kind of 4 ship and Guidance off fied as well! SOT Bg pasketball Team oF (pp Besides ifseaserto ae HENS pocanse whe pave Practice, jou ave ranes 87 oth have cu beecenmncesne inmakes Proving sua whole ese sand if you Breck UP ‘youcan always BeteveR “pth Hin by Flirting with ODE DON'T yell off the court oF field!!! Sometimes you'Te 50 used 19 Cheering, you foreet ‘not to Yel in normal conversations. Thisis 8 (08h ‘One Cheerleader now xed to stand inthe back OF HE classroom so her Voice wouldn't sound as 1oud in 05S she forgot ton’ trecommend this beeaNSe I? may have tosquintto seethe Cute GUS jthefrontoftheclassand that can cause Wrinkles: Bette ' always wait at east neonatal arene ae re sige esi 2 tena oft Lame e ro orient eat do tats ont, a) rt, rene Myosonip hee! ferenip’, sas Miron f — Rapidtransmit trom DarieM SS] Rapidiransmit from DarlaM Give me a Go! Give mo a To! Give me a Hell! ELof the things that are Tuck with Seth!! — 2 Suttle lighting enhances your youth shin tone but may mate. quy look even cuter then be is. ‘Stacy, here is the Chez Pierre menu | promised you. | pointed out some really nice and really forvign. Please return when you're dont. studying, and good 2 Marie. Antoinette. | () Gave everyone. dessert . I) | e's thes won, who cares or something. i French clothng 1s much oy cuter now! & le 24 2 08 2 = Soda looks = so elegant = Sf |e trese. a Jean, Paul guys’ names : sound so much letter in French! | Lots of silverware so you dna f can pick and choose. the nopkins—swans!!! Velvet chairs, so clothes don't wrinkle. Tables far enough apart so you don’t nave to look at anyone unattractive.Cuez Prerre Les ENTREES MepalLions pe Baur Bearnaise $32 CRiymes with, Doof “Brrr” -says) (the good kind of weef with yellow sauce) EntrecOte pu Baur aux CHAMPIGNoNS SauvaGes $22 Rhymes with: Zent-never mind. Besides, cheapest thing on menu so forget it) Escatore pe Veau $26, (Rhymes with: Floppy day Moo) (sealloas—teo fishy) Boutraaisse $28 (Roymes with, Julie in Lace) Gust soup) Fist pe Porc $24 (Rhymes with Delay day Fort) (pork chops-but you have to ask for applesauce; cheap, so order an appetizer, | mean orderve) Helpful phrases: it back. Waiter, my soda is flat. Sead Garsom Sada est Plat. Envoyer il reves it back. sty. Send The bouillabaisse is too fishy. ‘ = Le souilascisse. est trop fishy. Envoyer Watec!eou Bread-le pain Sodersoda Artificial sweetener!” Equal Lee Fe annea C Crests, Jane’s Drawings of Roy, bring one meas]; oe measly woe ond sh @ people think you're, DARIA: Your Syme 19 HE CASTLE. STRONG: pEFIANT, pAPENe TRABLE- sme cLoseD DRAWBRIPAE ANP An-EATING Buarks SYMBOUZE How You RELATE TO OTHERS. ae MEMBERS OF Your (reDIATE enaicy ARE REPRESENTED BY THE Sword PIERCE Your BRANNTT eee sty Ty [DATEAMPOSER EVENT REASON/EXCUSE REACTION NOTES 1/11 Mom Cousins wedding | CO/“I matraid'd be so Offered metwenty | Don forget ‘overcome with joy Pa dollars; got itup reading materials have to shoot myself, tory, and you know how hard itis, ta get blood out of taffeta.” 11/14Mr O'Neill Tutor Kevin CO/IW"Good idea. ‘Cometothink oft, | Reusable with other Let's see Kevin ignore allmy | Lalready asked Jodie.” | faculty phone calls and letters now!" 12/18Mom Clean room for RBY"Tell Grandma the right side of | Didn't work, but Quinn | In future, remember: Grandmother’ visit | the mattressisthe dry side.” | haddinnerin her room | wet-mattress line no forthree nights straight. | deterrent to incontinent visitor, Company picnic CO, RBY"I have a date.” ‘We're leaving at noon.” | Next time use a believable excuse 3/16 Dad Pass the RM/"I can’ lit things, (Oh...right” Make sure no one television guide Remember? The accident?” else is around when using this one Remove trip wire RM/"But somebody might, Took scalp! trom Consider loosening {rom room get hui nightstand and cut wire, | door hinges. Family stand vacation | CO, CO, IW, RR, RBY “Then we'lljust have to | Damnit, she got me havea fear of landing.” ‘900 family counseling until you're cued. Codes: (CO—Would involve contact with others CO—Would involve contact with Quinn IW—Would interfere with crossword puzzle, video game, tle counting, sleep Now if I could just find a good RR—Would require leaving room excuse to get Nom to let me build RB—Would requir leaving bed that escape tunnel. RM—Would require moving Hapidiransmit from Dariaabe, HS panareenire yoni Noxon Patsy aces en rovers Pray colo a Nwpmet wousbe ear arene na Nes von etoutourewetr Nexto wsinsapacthatentengrany LHS TOT signe To: Brittany!!! FROM: Kevvy Doar Britany : Dear Brit ngto soe each ahr titre tow about wie 2 ET a Sica te tg tay neh Sa, a La cal our 1 7 Ao coyou hav ayer perce tare 28 sounow persone? Love, kewy check out that se atch mark 5 YOu werent cinkin on Brittany inking anything PS.|sentyou an '@ new picture even though you don't deserve To: Brittanyttt FROM: Kevwy cee sa tengo nt eatin ip at Smtr ayo ree rte set Spl caateor ‘Yours forever, BS Vooove thatnew ctr. ony wish he bik si wish the bk dict hide ould yousond im no tite more ovelng? For mot Ploeg?70: Brittany!!! FROM: Nospmot The Web offers complete anonymity, especially when you can’t remember ule sun jour om mane. Ho1 80 givemaiimebact sad wassorysboutine |] 2 sweater! ve = FROM: Brittany! Dear Kewy, Gee. oo, Kev. eortnow if can ak about THAT nema anecae embarrassing! And | heard somewh. out these on el your boss, otha we havea oes fea aan about these computer a ne ‘we did, we can spy on your Oofelonn dees season tito Derostina he? Cause |ceamt st Yom Cashan) analy hope tates a got mud all over 2 lover my new suede heels Love, Bata °S.|alteady tld you, I'm not mad about the sweater! TO: Brittany! FROM: Kevwy Dear Britany!!! ‘Tellme about the heels. How high are they? Do they come toa nice, sharp stiletto point and do they havea it te strap around your siken ankle? Are they easy to slip off so | can caress the long, soft curves of your lags? Tellme about them, Brittany. And tell me about the short litle micro-mini and the lacy teddy you'llbe wearing with them, I want to know everything. Hove you, Kevin PS. Imstill waiting for that sexy picture! TO: Brittany!!! FROM: Nospmot Dear Miss Pouty Head: ‘You chicks are all lke. You think ifyou give me the silent treatment, I'l buy youa new sweater. ‘Well, no way Hozay. You can stop emaling me all you want because 'm not emailing you ether! Nospmot TO: Nospmot FROM: Brittany!!! kevin, No more "Kevvy' for you, Mister! You KNOW I don't wear teddies! They're too hot under my uniform! Wat...you better not be thinking of someone else!!! Maybe you got her confused with me and me with her and thats why, you couldn’ remember how got those grass stains. Oo0000000h! Its all starting to make sense now... That's ‘what you meant by you chicks are all alike" We're al the same to you, aren't wo? 1nd send me back my pictures! Well, you can stop emailing me because its over! Dear Britany, Huh? What pictures?Nobody likes a flatterer. oh, wait, sorry. Everybody likes a flatterer. Why do you want to spend this summer at Stanton College’s Summer High School Gifted and Talented Program? shin nels sedoing-the-next- Boxbere-dordany I'D Looking forward to taking gavantage of the summer months to further mY education at a college with & sigorous academic program, a distinguished faculty and a diverse student pody bat-Ethought Fa apply te Stentor Ga7vey" ‘Stanton is renowned for Rev cep boone deeent-scheelyehy 206-peere fe educa tin three signers of the Decleration of Independence, and it continues to attract the best and the prightest this nation has to offer “££ gou-don't- counter the stadonte-vhe 6° de botter- console. It is for these reasons Tjuct pray Eset inte one of oy fires holes I hope to spend my summer at Stanton, Your college also has all the amenities T could ask for: first-rate buc-semtice resources, proximity toa cultural metropolis for coltural activities, and the chance to interact orth professors who are experts in their fields Senpus, No wonder Stanton gets thousands of applications from etackere schol- ars all over the country: Live pored over your course catalog, and T think the biggest problem I will nave, should I be accepted, is - tixth grade deciding which Classes to take - there Be ‘so many that Look inter~ cating, I would also hope to take advantage of the many extracurriculer getivities and internship Programs you offery Thank you for the opportunity to apply to Stanton’s Summer High School Gifted and Talented Program. I hope that, if accepted, ny work will bring distinction to the school er ape Leteere-of xeconmondation for-cohiege se oor Sincerely Retype, then burn this draft Jodie LandonSupplies Box 44533 Asheville, North Carolina 28801 1-800-555-6455 September 6, 1998 Rapidiransmit from ta) x finally finial Daria Morgendorffer te petage ae ape my christmas TIL Glen Oaks Lane eee rete nnee Lawndale DearValued Customer, According to our records, we have not heard from you in some Hue, Your business is important to us,sO spol ike to welcome you back with our preferred customers’ discount on our new line of medical Seaching supplies. Among the highlights in the winter “Anatomical Abnormalities” catalog: & Replica of lobotomized brain with visible surgical incisions, Severed nerve fibers with self-adhesive can be reattached to frontal lobes. (Remove before placing in dishwasher.) Plaster replica of Belinda and Melinda, Siamese ewins joined by their pancreas (38 in. high). ‘Available in white and flesh-tone. Cirrhotic liver model covered with fiberlike tissuesiver “opens.” showing tissue broken down into fat. Sider now and get second one free for that relative "who can stoP anytime.” skull model of Phineas Gage, who miraculously survived a railroad accident in which an iron rod was Seer Gurough his skull destroying his moral center. Attention clergy: Perfect for“Hellfire and Brimstone” sermons! Removable rod for easy storage: «Thoracic Park! Heart-transplant simulator on CD-ROM. Ifyou have any questions: please dont hesitate to call our toll-free number. ‘We appreciate your cont Pregedent Bofes Medical Teaching SuppliesWapidtransmit from OariaM PSEC NON A picture says a thousand words, none worth hearing. a The Taylors Cat, tay, Brian, 10. Steve, 46 exe. Ashiey-Amber, 26, Britany, 16, Vivian, 44, Dian eee ony LO eal cos, Gong samo” MNerAnbe 26, cheerleader, student, actes¢madel’ Pran aroun, family duct ape andthe Would hare ee to Met Stve on photo fiving pudding ‘esiuranthostess/ cag patna “HME O' 2 Hebess cots Hhenad the seas een Likes Kevin, books formers. Taos Gaming up with orginal animal on aot Poy Stale jokes wile | witout chapters and Shorty ae as names lke Whiskers. sftemcon ct ering the Rolacng with un ith cee ta ey Finesropery lows. cow smother. a movete Hatten, Uses Ashley-Ambers where poopie are, 4D. to got nto clubs, relatively sane The Thompsons Charlene, 35, housewife ae fo see her reflection in ta ‘ees Mom hy sn't think that tramp dows 35 Gatoantem nah stat See cave arash ee yr year an i aie ctuinaneomerress Maat therm te.The Griffins ‘Sam, 12, student brat. Chris, 10, student brat Tom, 45, CPA Linda, 43, VPof Sandi, 6, president Si avestions whether marketing for KSBC. Sant Tonon lib, Neverouigrewto Likes topound Nt Se eteaic have married Stil harping onher rit student "fernble twos.” Likes brother back, pick t vespaty Wels, carerasanews anchor Aspiing axon to pound is brother, scabs anyone's) and merad "She wos twenty years ago: Did comment Kickwallsandrtilthe watch tings drop Shays cohappy tosee evertell you aout my rome unnvillget Rouse wthvaie, Plan somes to mary ae ssoragood, intro wih Rosaynn that seas Wat Cas Plans someday to marry Quinn. Sort Stil there was Carter?” allyourairtofall out, Quinn that mole." The Landons Andrew, 60, en Nouveau riche are eu” dole, 16 riche and pro 18, superstudent fit. Loves his baby: el Could possibhybecome ins actel 11 $0-50 student even more than his Country’ frst Afi “I hate you, nhs new cane Rae you, you ite Serna ans neu Artin an teale them pene ‘ow tu-time moter. taxes and unimaginatve PEStentif he stress of the family, but nooooa you ao suit her high- accountants, Belo pertect does tao cone ang an fan hometown ter fst img. lane son was born butts oy th ura Wal Steet WordF f Fave Folks from History, Daria’s japidTransmit from OariaM If history is doomed to repeat itself, bring on the beheadings! “ohn Calvin (1509-64) Promoted predestination: the idea that God has already decided who will be saved and who will go to hell, and there's nothing you can do about it, so why even get out of bed? Huangdi, Shi of the Qin Dnastu (reigned 221-206 8.0.) Admirable fear of strangers and the world. The first to unify the Chinese Empire, misanthropic Shi started the Great Wall. Inspiration for the project Cleopatra VLE (69-20 8.c.) Early tabloid queen. Married her brother, shacked up with Caesar, Killed off her brother, and married Marc Antony. Mercifully ended it all before she became a burden to her children, 'm building in my room, Guevara, Che (1928-67) Gave up what could have been a thriving medical practice performing unnecessary operations for a career in guerrilla warfare. So what if he never bathed? Guillotin, Joseph (1738-1814) Found a quick and sanitary way to execute the masses van Gogh, Vincent (1953-90) a el, a Postimpressionist paintings gave during the: Beton of Terr: dementia a good name. So he cut Wessun BO nse off his ear, fought with Gauguin, lessons cue of BeneacWs hung out in insane asylums and ad elnino panty committed suicide. Nobody's perfect. “executioner blister”Ff Food in Film ‘apidtransmit from Daria I wish people spoke in subtitles. Then I could just close my eyes. Pos ‘AColebration of Gustatory Gnemo 2 Ses! “he Pie” (Port) a a2 ‘an 1965:Leretotaan 38 ‘cinema to tur something 3 wholesome cs bier pie ino a compy ophrodsin. Spiny poignant when “Francois the Sophia smothers herself in Seedless” french 19591 ff FRAVCOK biveberry-pe filing, ihe Vainerhronossobesion WH FETLESS nothing bes, physically ond emotion vith sede (ond there- ‘Donel, er rent and ch youge lve? Petrow- foxe_ ingore) oropes ing ae is wt old have een. very ede finde. symblizes his init fo he beteen singin “the lo” (Port I (- the French yori ian 1996: In this squel ing toe spon Roland Teague feuieg mel, Yes ta, THE) PILE ay eats od in Pardons tl ld Deel nsw is of to improved sanitary control throughout the nation's lov, Sophia nasal iets. ioe aege. THs tie sl ea Donato whos ing 0 Yeast!” (ih 1979: behind the sgar ond gle, asd on the re sory of shamed this sles ere lave neve des, however suiidal poet Margret td the lube ing is every it opting est was Oaliven, “0 ers!” ty yearsefore. Darn pieshroving rcs wha shold honest poet’ forma hve ben asensuel reunion tive hdhoodyeors spent confined inthe Nour bin of “Coriander My Love” her foto's bakery. The (chinese 1978): Amid the dering mesoge fh he human sit, He ous toni bdkrop ofthe Cu- ve expanding unl baked op. tural Revolution, this times love sly oaks “Yom, Maan (Aner ao Ze-dong' enc romance con 1968): Sein Kise, swith starlet Ching Ching. Flv, this German- Th infrows “wok sae, finencod musi romp in which Chong brut noes the ovine falls pil hake fanart ‘ess DuWits, yom farmers ‘who los thelr entire crop 10 "Andre Sokarinski’s € sinkhl iss ot nes Last Moc” (USSR 193: ‘vere flooded wih cals fer ovincs sow ile Jimbo dive Bir and borscht stand infor tribe yor ons isl. the bougeie ond th proletariat in his ps Reve Ion sate, Ae sci asses the same oncathey've been digested? The execution sono ssc to hove inspired the denouement of “House Party.”Gothic Nights The Adsentures of Queen Hecuba [FOR THE GOOD AND RIGHTEOUS GUEEN HECUBA BANISHED LADY BRITTANY FOR PUB | Lig FOLLY AND EXCESSIVE SGUEAKING, | BY ANDREA Gow AND SO IT WAS THAT QUEEN HECUBA RAISED CHARLES'S RANK FROM COURT JESTER TO DuKe, “SNOW I CAMNETH NOT Miss WITH THE LApIEST" g 3 § 8g 2 a [ RETURNING VICTORIOUS FROM ANOTHER FIERCE |SATTe, GUEEN HECUBA HAPPENED UPON HER. | ARCHENEMY, SIR MACK THE FEARLESS, “60 WE Met BY ANDREA Gooapid?ransmit from Daria Personally, I think the scariest [SO GUEEN HECUBA KINDLY GRANTED KNIGHT — | thing about the Middle ages was the KEVIN His WISH. | hygiene. TIME SIR KEVIN SINS | |CHUMBAWUMBA ON THE BATTLEFIELD. IDIOT.” S 7 “PREVARICATOR, YOuRE NOT EVEN FUNNY.” this duke for my brother!Gg Greetings from Brookside Rest Home ch a fine line between lunacy | | and insanity. Dear Timothy, Thank you for your heartfelt concern. As you know, I am not an angry man and do not know myself why I reacted in the way I did. Perhaps it was the stress of wasting twenty years of ay life trying to ‘teach the unteachable, unable to convey to these dissipated scions of affluence basic fundamentals easily grasped by any chimpanzee possessing a passing familiarity with sign language. Or maybe I was just having a bad day. It is a relief that Kevin and his family have ecided not to pursue the matter any further, though, between us, I doubt whether their lawsuit alleging "psychological trauma” would have progressed very far, dependent as it was on the boy demonstrating any PSYCHOLOGY at all, Hold on, I think perhaps I should take some MEDICATION. Better. Although I initially resisted coming here, I have to confess that I'm feeling much more relaxed and clearheaded than I have in years, even though they tell me it has only been two weeks since I entered this establishment. I do not profess to be an expert on institutional decor, but I believe there is something very soothing about the faded yellow paint, for I have never slepp so well in my lif. I hope zat temprarly assuming my teaching responsbilities hazzn placed an untold burden on zoo. I's zure in good time I'll be back to hearz the shatter of stussens as ze discuzzas figers of greaz imporzance Like tellvijun slars an makpp tpssssss ei ey salbors. TS cory, Cent ig.Gg Guessing Game 1 tried to get Quinn to play "Shallow Grave," but she was afraid the dirt would mess up her hair. _ GUESS THE FAMOUS MENTAL CASE This is an ideal game to play with the whole family. The object is for player one to pick someone famous 2nd act out his or her psychiatric symptoms. The other players have to guess the person you're thinking of, 2iong with the medical condition. If they don’t guess the correct answer within one minute, player one gets ‘to act out someone new. The game is over when one player manages to stump the others three times Ready? I'l start: Playtime over. 'm going to my room now. (uorssexdap ‘foys}o1 087 “¢ ‘uolssaidap ‘sayyn7 une °Z ‘UoISsaidap ‘ijYyouNYD UO}SUIM “| s1aMsuY)Hh Handout, Teen Anuiety, How to Reduce Look on the bright side Even the most dire situation has a silver lin- ing. Let’s say you failed a class, have to take summer school and won't be able to go with your friends on that trip to Europe you’ ve been planning for six months. That's ust an oppor tunity to make new friends—ones who don’t need to go all the way to another continent (0 find their “kicks”! Or suppose your boyfriend breaks up with you the night before the senior prom because he wants to take someone else, Now’s your chance to “play the field,” or maybe even experiment with an alternative lifestyle that doesn’t involve boys at all! Or perhaps you're being expelled from school altogether because of your repeated assaults ‘on other students, and your parents are split- ting up because they can no longer cope with the strain caused by your behavior. Let the gift parade begin as they try to outbid each other for your affections! See? Find that silver lin- ing and focus on it! HOW TO REDUCE TEEN ANXIETY Courtesy of - LAWNDALE DERMATOLOGICAL ASSOGIATES 773 GROVE STREET Being a teen is not easy. AS WE leave childhood behind, we undergo all kinds of physical and emo- Fromal changes that are wonderful, miraculous nnd, yes, confusing. Add to that the daily Press™ of passing tests, popularity and pim- ples—and it’s no wonder that one day anxiety may ‘suddenly appear on our doorstep like an exchange student who has renounced his ¢ izenship and come tostay for good! But justas hosting an exchange stu- dent provides us with an opportunity for wonderful earning experiences, there's @ bright side to becom ing riddled with anxiety, probably. Perhaps not, but anyway, Worry ing too muchisbad for your skin The teen years don’t have to be fraught with anguish. Here are a few tried-and-true suggestions to get you through these tumultuous times: the perilous P's arents are your friends, to Ifsomething’s bothering you, don’t hesitate te share with Mom and Dad. They're on you side, Say you don’thave anyone to “hang out with on Saturday. Maybe you and Mom can g to the mall and try on clothes together. Schos bully picking on you? Ask Dad to have at with him! If you're not invited to a pal ‘maybe your parents can call the parents of ‘irl who's having the party and insist that y@ be put on “the list.” Remember, parents we teenagers once. They know your pain and & help you through it.pidiransmit from Daria set doctors ever 2itee one shoved up at ay Birth. Pdian'e tnvice hin. Gat Crm) Misit vour school counselor our school counselor is a special person— Smeone who cares somuch about young people “=< their problems that he or she has devoted his «her life to helping them. In fact, school coun. rs often forsake higher-paying jobs in the ate sector to remain on their watch, necessi- i & string of demeaning freelance jobs to =Ke ends meet and culminating in the so-called SSting of a series of insipid “advice” pamphlets Sederwritten by the manufacturers of useless “ss remedies and left to gather dust in the wait. == rooms of cow-town dermatologists’ offices, }=!no one at Scutter Pharmaceuticalsevereven sis far,and if they do, don’t care. Cheap, Seronic bastards. So seek out yourschool coun. “er and givea good listen to what he or she has © =! you. In times of trouble, there’s no substi. SS forthe friendly advice of atrained objective Bserver. Meet the mortgage, o ous disease, you'll be w Darley oo cont POL This he ip 7 phat : ots or maybe a * pli Interesting Paintings, Jane’s ONE OF THE MORE UPLIFTING ART MOVEMENTS, CUBISM POINTS OUT THE UGHTER SIDE OF DISLOCATION AND DISMEMBERMENT.Mystik £2ral Tour, Carter County li Itinerar Zor whassup Spiralzaniaes! Word trom ne, Danny li, recording Secretary of the yetik Spirei You're like, “what's nish thin mailing? the aext ewsiettex icq" due ‘ti1 cunmer! F¥ue enough, but this is a Special Raition, ‘rent, wax, Kick, Fer e anee Messe. (whole aeked welts tosch, hin Giminished chords) have passed along sone excellent news trom SuieM Central-the bend tells up that plan) tc their Spring Hele pn Gee eS stayed up zor Sore ele mbratety cekiog! chao ee yat op ce it out—tine weil spent iz y Put in, like, travelers’ In other Spiral news, (except when I take time off tor s. ‘this map). z I bet (I'm pretty sure two doin, so I just neea, ence tiya wore Wn of gong: tacae— Beer ra aan Sie Saleal sat guacactee Mery, hear a (ezsncel Leyway, ‘see ya! at hs ‘eytsat Spring Tourt Peace, LIS Well, I hear they're very big in Japan.2, Lethal. Injection 2, The Horn Dog 3. Jug-ya-Lug Lounge 4. The Rusty 6. Pasties b spice 7. The Landesil Inn 8. Big Butts 8, Club Foot 10, 15 to Lite aa. Skunk's 32. Skybar 2000 Date List of clubs Sime from Layndale 21 Hours, 18 Hours 2a Hours 14 Hours 19 Hours 21 Hours a4 Hours 15 Hours 42 Houre (roadwork) Points of Interest. Iry the private. abel beer, but not if you're taking ‘any medication. Mike the owner crossbreeds wolves and German shepherds: ask to feed one. Strippers after i pam No bathrooms Peg does not Like jokes about ner "kegs" and neither does her friend Missy. Strippers after 9 Pam Kind of a ‘bad smell Strippers aft Sunday brunch No running water Popular with interesting guys! Don't stare at clear nightsN oe CoRapidTransmit from DarlaM =———] Bring the family and take a break from all that violence on TV. trom nage Paks 98080 ™., Seven ‘0 midnign "78 8 weJj Journalistic Photo Essay Sotially concerned high sthoo! students debate the issues that will determine their Futures. Today's topics: strunthy Colors and how to make butter stick to ceilings Student statement re: the issue of First Amendment rights versus the vight te privacy as it applies to Monday mornings ted a at Manet, 277: Pietur, By and ate * HE bangs ere ar TUncertaintion pith a °F hieSemantics class. Deconstructing “post feminist” until it means “kissable.” om son s the scientific Philosophy. “But what if Hegel was right?”Satisfying the unquenchable thirst for knowledge. Another triumphant: day of learning comes to a close. Twenty-First cent here we Come!kk Keeping Your Piercing Clean Read carefully--you don’t want to do anything stupid. KEEP YOUR BLOODY TONGUE CLEAN {Cheers and congratulations on your new tongue barbell and thank ou for choosing Ax!'sPiereing Parlor for your body Sdomment needs. Because Axt's employs a groundbreaking uel sterilization method (each needle is held over the stove and suc. and I'm talking about those big wooden ones) you are asrined better-than-even chance of suffering no permanent ‘ise effects, But in case something does come up, here arva few ‘imple instructions that we inno way recommend as 4 substitute for immediate professional medical attention: Ereling: Sweling will probably go down in a week or whenever, but ‘You can minimize any soreness by sucking on ice or Bing a bullet. While post-pirce eating is occasionally stil Physically possible, it is not recommended forthe fist fouriecn 2 following your procedure. Some customers hive reported may is 10 survive this period by subsisting onan all-apple- “tee dict but Ax's does not advise this, because applesauce contin, ‘enzymes that can really dull the shine of your barbell Mucusy yellow stuff: Relax! 1's sign that your tongue 1 healing, 50 the oozier the better. As a common courtesy however, ‘void getting your tongue too close to friends, no matter how this ‘may impact your normal lifestyle Keep the tongue clean: Regular cleaning i important, so be sure to brush your teeth several times a week, Rinsing with an ine Ptie mouthwash i okay but on’ swallow. And don’ forget the piercing rim. Use acotton swab to remove any erust. ine. scabs, metallic Makes, leshy bits or unidentifiable objects fom me \lisfigured area of your tongue. (See above mouthwash instructions re: swallowing this material.) And please Don’t share swabs. Do not remove your barbell until all symptoms are fnit,, ‘Taking out your barbell can cause piercing close-up and then Be Ihave to punch a hole in your bloody tongue allover again, Ary there's no discount fora heal job, mate, so don’teven ask me, Sccriwines/spirits: nature's disinfectants. Alcohol isan excelem Sterilizer and as superb numbing qualities Gust ask any ot who's been beat up). Unlike mouthwash, you needn't worry about inadvertently swallowing it n fact. many of our 2. Remove metal stuf from the top ofthe bottle (be careful not to cut yourself ‘cause that hurts) and then, pushing realy hard with your thumb, shove the otk into the bottle, (This could take more than one 4. Take a foot-long piece of string (about half a yard) and tie the bottom ofthe string into a circle. > 5. Insert the string into bottle and try tofitthe circle “over the small end of the cork. 6. I know | know how to do this! D>KK Kinsington Prison, Daria’s E-mail to Dear Rhonda, Not everyone can come from a close-knit family like mine, although T admit that they do try my nerves sometimes. Like during waking hours. And no, I've never actually killed any of them, especially not with a tomahawk, but then again, I’m still young Last Sunday was “Morgendorffer Night out. two kids who are suing their parents for neglect, so she decided to cram 365 @ays of quality time into one long joyous evening out to dinner. Dad and I wanted to go to The Spiffy Jiffy Cafeteria, but Quinn said she wouldn’t be caught dead in a place where women wear hair nets. So we went to Chez Pierre, where women wear dead animals. Apparently Mom had been briefed about We caught up with one another's lives before our drink orders, and then Mom had to take a business call. I gave Dad sone sections of my paper, and Quinn moved to another table with a guy she'd met in the coat-check line. All in all, a very successful evening. I can’t wait for family bonding night again next year. There's something I want to ask you. Why do they consider solitary confinement a punishment? To me, three meals a day and no one around to bother you would be a damn sight better than parole. Good luck with your appeal. The biggest advantage to prison is getting out and telling your parents’ friends you weren't really studying abroad.LI Laudable Sketches, Jane’s EPICTING PEOPLE AS THEY REALLY ARE AND NOT How THEY See THEMSELVES MADE GOYA FAMOUS. IT JUST AVES ME SOMETHING TO DO UN A EeLI Lawndale High’s Teacher’s Lounge INDUSTRIAL-SIZE BOX OF TISSUES: For rereading The Bridges of Madison County and 197 letter trom Mom blaming him for childhood pet dog running away. ABOX OF TOILET-SEAT PROTECTORS: Dad alvays sald i's better to be safe than sorry, EZLAVA LAMP: Pians to move it to his classroom to show the kids he's cool. Oris that “dope”? REFRIGERATOR: Smithsonian wants itfor "The Way We Were” icebox exhibit. Plastic cocktail monkey wedged inside trost-encrusted freezer. TUPPERWARE: Marked vith owners ramnes 50 no one Swipes food “by mistake EMPTY COFFEEPOT: Last porson to finish it Tefused to flit (Mr. D claimed remaining eight drops constituted a cup); empty since 94 (CLOSET: Free of space-hogging | nanger rac. Ms. Barch’s /BEHEADED MALE ACTION FIGURE: Better dois than something ase EACELL PHONE: So she can call and hang up on ex-husband twenty times a day (unt he gets Caller 1), NEVER-WORN FOUR-INCH SUEDE HEELS: n case she has to mest ‘someone at ance restaurant for dinner after school. Good thing leather doesn't rot, STAIN: Absinthe green complements| ancient neon-orange “peace” foot decals on wal FORMICA TABLE: Nudes! Nudes! Nudes! ™atchibook (1978) under leg prevents wobbling while awaiting financing for new taMr. DeMartino’s EN ORTHOPEDIC CHAIR: For back spasms. Came with fee set of Queog siver balls, EAM. DEFOE’S WIND CHIMES: He just couldn't takethem anymore. EX MASKING TAPE: Used to mark on carpet where ‘door should be. No one is allowed to crassttat line. Like anyone would want to. EDHOARDED SUGAR PACKETS. [anTBoaRo: jartfully camouth Ms. DeFoe's GI MACRAME PLANT HOLDER: Pians FETE TCH tossell these through the mailas soon as LETTER (onlin she can “getittogether” movedito the “geek” side ofthe EXTERSE MEMO: Regarding stolen wind chimes. EVROLLED-UP SLEEPING B/ Doesn't have the heart to kick fretoading ex-college suitemates out of studio. apartment, Brings homemade soap to ‘ruck-stop showers. 10 cents a copy ir D left hs | résumé in the | cotiator. Key of tems Surreptitiously Placed by Ms. Li japidTransmit from DariaM Students aren’t allowed in here. ‘They might find out how depressing it is to be an adult. detectors @—Panic alarm ‘@—Silent alarmMud i! Yo Or WY gt 4 eB a Vann gases |DUE Cnac La CED UL Can on | will ty te ada ”y wae more bounce to wil finish iments ees mentoring those dein 1 will learn to accept the ‘act that otter peo are. just ae of me. | alll ba sether fren fend to Sti so! can fond out’ whet Sande! tying behnd my back. will ty to tan more even, Hele ine rith Dorie onal Sobedtle nore yo fin/ = ‘PAIN IS PASSING PRIDE 15 PERMANENT. Sohedule mare “intina-te” tine vith Jake (be pee falls asleep) : I get Kevin te stop calling we lack Daddy" iF it Kills me. Next +ime Kevin wants +o demonstrate how to Step & brick with his head, Tie him T wil not show Ms, Beech Gar, no er what she dees to me Sodhecule mare phone tive. with Mor Sohedule mare tine. just velox” Inorense billable. haus by 20 percent antasiang daca tricking any into jumping out G window. ~ Ton" let tt bother me that ode puts student council; homework, +ennis club, the debate +eam, Gnd just Ghout Every other dasan thing ahead of me.KEVIN MY NEW YEAR'S REZOL, RESSoU, RESULLATIN, RESLLUT) OH, FORGET ity contradictionO00 Oration, Kevin’s and Mack’sThinking. Writing. Reading. Public speaking involves all the things Kevin does best.p Pep Talk, Mr. 0’Neill’s, Drama Horizons From the desk of TIMOTHY O'NEILL Wow. Just look at you in your marvelous costumes. | am so proud today to be gazing upon my budding thespians—and I'd like to express a few heartfelt words before we venture forth onstage. Many of you have worked very hard for this, some harder than others, but this is no time for finger-pointing—unless to say, “You! YOU'RE doing a great job!” And as you bask in the glory of this evening's limelight, | want you to do more than just SPEAK your lines. | want you to BECOME your character. So, Quinn, hard as it may be, I'm asking you to dig deep inside, deep, deep inside, and TRY to put yourselt in poor, sweet Emily's position. Imagine the agony and the torment of knowing that two NOBLE knights in shining armor are desperaiely in love with you but, in vying for your affections, only one man can win—in a fight to the death! Oh, the anguish, the guilt you would feel! ‘And Kevin, | want you to...if you could just remember which scene you're in, Kevin, that would be great. Remember, too, that all actors, from Alan Alda to Shelley Winters, had to start somewhere. So when you're out there underneath the glare of the bright lights, think of this as more than just a high school play with all your friends and family watching: think of this as that first hurdle to winning international acclaim for your acting. And maybe ‘one day, in your Oscar acceptance speech—don't laugh, you've got the talent!— perhaps you'll recall this night fondly and maybe even think to mention how our modest little Drama Horizons was a big turning point in your life, Naturally, should that magical day occur, | trust you will not engage in any untoward speculation about people's lifestyle orientation. It's not true, anyway. Now | want everyone to take a minute and visualize the audience. As we finish our wonderful play, they finish their delicious dinner and leap up as one in a standing ovation. Brava! Brava! Yum! Yum! And now let's bow our heads for a moment and remember poor James Dean. Okay, everyone! Have a great show! papediretemn sro Estt Wow go out there and show thom why people make fun of school plays! Gent Carat)Pp Political Acumen LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOO} \ HIGH SECURITY FOR HIGH PERFOR, ‘The Honorable George W. Bush, Governor The State House Austin, Texas Dear Governor Bush, Itis arare occasion indeed when I write to a public official, but in this particular instance I felt I could hold back no longer. Since you took office in 1995, 59 condemned men have gone to their deaths. Not once did you commute or delay ‘death sentence, despite numerous pleas from the ACLU, Amnesty International, and other rights organizations. Nor did you show clemency for the first woman to be executed in Texas since 1863, even though Pope John Paul II himself intervened. Your state leads the country in total executions by a large margin, having hit record high of 37 in 1997. All [can say to you, Governor Bush, is: Keep up the good work! Saving taxpayer dollars by refusing to send pickax murderers off to a cushy life in jail with TV and a weight room is commendable. And to those who criticize the way you run your state, L ask this: Ifit’s such a bad place, why then are hundreds of foreigners trying to sneak in every night? You don’t find that happening in liberal Massachusetts, that’s for sure! You know, your governorship, as a high school principal I believe our jobs are not that different. I currently spend 80 percent of my school operating budget on surveillance cameras, Dobermans, spot locker checks and ‘occasional strip searches just to ensure every child his or her constitutional right to a safe and free education. Yet wonder if my efforts would be even more effectual if I could somehow drive home the consequences of veering off the straight and narrow. [think you may know where this is going, your excellency. If we are going to employ the death penalty as a deterrent, why limit ourselves to murder? Thave already written to the Governor of Utah about securing Gary Gilmore's electric chair. I know that the apparatus on which Karla Faye Tucker was executed is probably not available, because you are no doubt still using it (to which I say, huzzah!). Iwas hoping, however, that could visit Huntsville to take photographs from which I could have a duplicate made. By prominently displaying these items in the school’s entrance hall, I hope to provide students with a stern reminder of what awaits them should they cut a class, fail to use a No. 2 pencil, or otherwise start down the long road to a squandered, felonious life. Thope you can see your way toward granting my request. As a “thank you” in advance, I'd like to offer my suggestion for a campaign slogan should you decide to seek higher office: “Deja Vu All Over Again-—Bush for President in 2000!” Catchy, no? Once again, keep up the good work. Perhaps when I'm in Huntsville we could meet over coffee. I'd love to get your take on the gratuitous banning of assault weapons. Respectfully yours, Next thing you know, they’11 be letting jaywalkers off with life. Ms. Angela Li Principal Get Carat)Qq Quinn’s Essay © four brick walls. For the School is my “nets MY imprisonets. Like « hamster on one of those Wheel things, school runs us found and around until we Year for the little food Yes, We're like Prisoners, forced to break Tocks in the hot sun without sunscreen Nor lip balm, Why is Ours the sole land Where School is mandatory? [pn Other nations, children have the freedom to get a job in the clothing industry op whatever, Why are We not allowed the same liberties? No We must learn to add and divide even though the World has tons of accounta even though we have Spell-check. (Although Tlike The End edit for e Quinn 1 to giv I've got inca trying. My patie:When Quinn really puts her mind to something... there’s going to be ‘trouble. REASON/ EXCUSE REACTION NOTE: CO/*1 Forget Chad lashed we first.” “But my mother was going to lend we. ter BMW? Made sure Chad was still taking his Dad's Porsche. CO/*1 forgot Michoe! ‘asked ne first “But 1 made reservations at Chee Piece tefore the Told him be could take me to Chez sre, and the meet Mich afterward. co/*! forgot Jonathan asked we first “But that's the same. thing you told Chad.” Told hw | can't possibly reaeonser everything ard if re was going ¢ pave that attitud then just forget « SW/") have to study” cad if | didn't wart to ge_ett with ha, then just say <0, instead 0 making up rdieslous Next time. use a believable exeuse COT thought you said WEDNESDAY agit Apclogzed and oa Wednesday Since Brad is ewter than Marks reschedule. Mart from Wednesday to next weed. CO/ "Mom < mating the family have a with tec leaves for Aunt Elke’ s’ funeral.” “That's wlpat you sad fast month Check excuse logs more thoroughly in | future. O/Said | was grounded. Said fe couldn't tear to go to the wedding alone and couldn't | be grounded next week? | said teenage discipline doesn't work that way. parcone. told hm prebetly Sandi’) that lay and | neti Sees SideWorld; avoid for 4 weed S51" Semething's come up. He. said “What?” | said | couldn't remember, but ¢ was very important. He tried to reschedule. | said 14 get back to him He asked Sandi out, land she said yes, so she was Just saying she wouldn't go lout with har so | lweuldn't go cut with him. Next time. get a second opnicn) from T ffary SHE wouldn't go out with hmRr Refrigerator Notesee 8 s¢3-TIE GALA FOR: rl AL n't the same as face-to-faceRr Russia, Daria’s E-mail to Dariam, 4 AM, Re: From: Dariat pate: 12/12 To: Borisborscht@minskuniv.org Subject: Dear Boris, ‘hank you for the homemade vodka recipe. I’ve been trying to get the rust off the metal bars in my windows, and this just might do the trick. I almost made a batch for my sister, Quinn, but then it dawned on me that the medical examiner might be able to trace it. Which reminds me, is Olga out of the ICU yet? in answer to your question, I don’t find dating in this country stressful at all, probably because I don’t do it. My mother thinks I/d have a better social life if my provocative style of dress didn’t advertise the fact that I’m only after one thing: Isolation. I certainly don’t get this new fad of people falling in love and getting engaged on the Web before they've ever met. Tt would make mich more sense to me to marry someone and THEN interact with them only through e-mail. 1 guess what I’m trying to say is that as generous as your offer was to put yourself up in my room for a month, I'm afraid 1/11 have to decline, as that would fall under the category of human contact. My sister, on the other hand, might be interested in meeting you when you come to visit this fall. Just tell her your Russian accent is French (she thinks the French are really cool because they invented French dressing), and you'll be all set. Daria I started my own Cold War at home, but no one noticed anything different.Ss School Activities LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL Dowie, i sd ahost sory ith me HHhese des! Nyy, Ter 41] Students Prom: Toate Landon, Student councsa Vice President Extracurriculars $113 Available! Just to let You guys know, but you'd be: ter sign up noy are following o1ubs are o¢413 a ™ Pefore they're 012 212164 up. CceDting new nenbers, A2chezy OLu> Only if | ean prachce in the living room. Band Seed dea: Now | tan reaize m dream of marching in able dresed 354 Christmas treeornanent” Debate Team Involves taking sides. Prana Club Requires facial exPressions. ess Okay. But that wi Feneing Clup ae fy cn *SS-SLIR Only if yom Price be come te al imby Probet bor tp Fore dueling my reitals. She Pon~Pon Giris Yes, Ive always wanted to go to college in Aruba. Spanish cluy No hablo. Fannie Chun Rewives exposure be the evtdeors, Avitien are for people who haven'® discovered the thrill of cowting coiling exseks. Gee Crem)Ss Sexual Harassment LAWNDALE HIGH SCHO! ‘TO: All Female Faculty and Students FROM: Ms. Janet Barch RE: Sexual Harassment Has Happened to You! ‘The beginning (or end or middle) of a new marking period is always a good time to renew our vigilance against ‘Sexual Harassment, If you are under the impression that this problem is confined only to the halls of government, corporations, the armed forces, small business, nonprofit organizations, international diplomacy, high technology, world finance and space exploration—wake up, sister! ALL men, by nature of their sex and total moral bankruptcy, live to debase women. No female is safe from these equal-opportunity defilers, for they care not oftheir victim's race, socioeconomic background, or past experiences with ex-husbands who desert them after twenty-two years of unconditional servitude, dammit! ‘Women have been tyrannized for so long that many of us now think such vile treatment is normal, even acceptable, 0 inured are we to this oppression perpetrated upon us by the abusing sex that we habitually miss the cues that are indeed the hallmarks of demeaning sexual harassment, To delineate between normal interaction and molestation, I have compiled a brief list of things to watch out for. Should any of these behaviors sound even remotely familiar, report to me immediately so we can pursue legal action. In School “Did he LOOK at you? + Did he sit NEXTto you? + Did he TOUCH you inappropriately in any way? Your shoulder, your arm, your hand as you, say, unsuspectingly passed back the tests? ‘+ Did he hold the door open for you so he could ogle your buttocks as you walked by? id he ask you for the time—ie., get you to stand still so he could mentally undress you? += Did he make lewd comments such as “nice coat” as in, “Why don't you take off your coat, hop into bed, and ‘make me breakfast before you leave in the morning?” OnaDate: Dating opens another can af worms arid is best avoided until you're thirty, i then, But if you are coerced into one, here's what to sue for: * At the movie. did he take the aisle seat so he could keep you from leaving? + Did he buy you popcom so he could lewadly watch you lick the butter from your lips? * Did he say you looked nice —in other words, “Nice rack! Woo-hoo! + Did he insist on picking you up in his car so he could “accidentally” brush is lecherous hand against your knee ashe shifted out of park? * Did he pay for dinner, as in, “Now that I spent $10.99 on this lousy meal it’s time for you to throw away your pride and submit te ‘me so Ican have something to brag about to my equally depraved and women-hating friends?” + Did he walk you to your door and try to force his no-good, two-timing, wife-deserting, freeloading body upon you under the ‘guise of a good-night kiss, and did you tell him to leave you the hell alone, dammit, you see right through his empty promises and cheap, tawdry designer shirts, and he'll never—do you hear me? Never!—suck you dry of all your dignity and lifeblood ang ‘whatever else he can take again! Never! Never! Never! Elsewhere: «Was he breathing Ms. Barch believes that all men are beasts, and vice versa.SS Sick, Sad World, Stringer Guidelines Dear Budding Reporter, ‘Thank you for your inquiry and congratulations on your extraordinary timing, SICK, SAD WORLD is currently accepting story "pitches" from freelance reporters. Experience is not necessary--all that's required is a desire to work hard and a hunger for something like the truth! We're interested in brief, entertaining, ‘news-resembling stories that you won't see anywhere else, Our viewers are busy, vibrant people--they don't have time to sit through a lot of boring facts and big words. We rely on snappy copy and eye-catching visuals to keep our show part of their lively lifestyle. Don't worry if you can't completely back up your story with facts--we have producers for that. Just make sure any idea you pitch elicits a gut reaction of "That's sick!" The categories we're most responsive to are: 1, Human interest-Baby Born with Artificial Leg; Tree Grows in Stomach of Lemonade Drinker; Space Aliens Living in "Pagodas" (that's Martian for "house"!) Medical science gone avry--My Pace-lift Cane Off in My Hands! Leper Reduced to Stump; Doctor Grows Human Hearts in Cabbage Patch Common household threats--Can Drinking Drain Cleaner Cause Alzheimer's? Our Experts Find Out; Decorative Trim Kills Family of Three; When Faucets Attack! Arts & Crafts you can make at home--Shoelace Vests, Fur-Ball Coats, Peach-Pit Earrings and Other Pine Gifts Homicidal anything Cute animal stories-Cats Who Stalk; Peeping Tom Pit Bulls; Eye-Gouging Pigeons Newsbreaking events--Ho, ho, ew!"--Goosing Santa Caught on Tape; Toilet-Paper Thief Strikes Roadside Bathrooms; Psychics Accused of Cheating in Soda Taste Challenge Cannibal grandparents The best way to approach SICK, SAD WORLD is to fax us as many story ideas as possible. (Don't forget to include the phone numbers for sources you plan to use.) The more ideas the merrier. Keep in mind that stringers tend to submit similar stories, so don't be surprised Af you see something you pitched on the air. We didn't rip you off. Another reporter just beat you to the punch and, besides, we have a large staff of full-time lawyer: SICK, SAD’ WORLD retains the rights to alter any or all portions of your story for entertainment purposes. You'll also be asked to sign a standard waiver absolving us of any lavsuits and/or capital crimes that may result from the airing of your story. In the event ve decide that we like your pitch, ve will contact you; there's no need to try to track down cur unlisted phone number. If you haven't heard back from us within a week of your fax, feel free to send more ideas until you hit the jackpot. Remember, if at first you don't succeed, try, try again! Good luck! SICK, SAD WORLD EDITORIAL STAPF ruth may be stranger than fiction, but a good bear attack gets better ratings than either.Tt The Three u’s Quinn Central, Reconnaissance Room2. Rearview mirror from Ja yanked of by Qui 's BMW eyeliner QuINN's FAVORITES Chip: Ridged ckers: Squer eretzels: Twis! Ice: Crushed oda: Brown, diet Pink, but deep pinkish instead of uhite pinkish Books: Decorative " No action, subtitles, or stories, based on books 5, Portable CD player Quinn tently dropped four floors WASTEBASKET: ture of Jamie and Quinn at ‘Skee-Ball Park, secretly ed Dy ety by both Jamie a Picture of Jeffy and Quinn secretly torn up by Jamie.Capsule, Lawndale High Mi DeMartino: Anite and salt shaker. “These items represent the total net worth ofthe average ‘American teacher.” Memo: Mack: A photo of Kevin. "Do not et To: All Faculty and Students | descendants near From: Angela Li, Principal heavy machinery.” Subject: Time Capsule Kevin: Tape o Lawndale High is curently constructing atime vault, so that inthe event of {QJ Lawndale Lions mankind's annibilation ina nuclear holocaust, future civilizations, or pechaps fag] dame. “So yOu auys have 7 something to get glimpse of what life was like around the tur ofthe century, 2000 A.D, watch incase the video stores are closed Ang, hey, Vim the 0B" archaeologists from another planet, will be able to unearth this capsule and am asking everyone to donate one item and your explanation of why it says something significant about our times. Participation is not mandatory but those who fail t contribute will not be allowed to graduate. I will be the vadge of what is and isnot suitable for inclusion. If you have any questions regarding my decisions please feel free to see me so that we may discuss ‘and dismiss your arguments in a prompt and expedient manner. “Thank you for contributing t the spirit of Lawndale Hig Jane: Sculpture ofan alien with plaque reading: Miton, King of the Earth, 1999, ‘Our leader [Ms. Li: Fingerprint powder. | "This is how we identified {felons and clas cutters, | wish I could see the DNA stamping you future people Use now! Britany: Good Luck chain letter. ‘Sorry! | needed to send out one more letter so I wouldn't break the chain!”Daria: Sponge pets that grow when immersed, | "Place these in water and hold on to your hats. “This tool was used to pUu Under the Beds, Jane’s & Trent’s (0 NOT RESUSCITATE" ORDE ate la ue AUTOGRAPHED PHOTO OF WILLEM DE KOONING Bit git rom Tren Why did de Kooning misspl his own name? ‘SMALL PLANE PROPELLER Bought for five dolars at swap meet Forgot wi ASSORTED T-SHIRTS ~ Emergency clothing supply UNFINISHED MIDDLE SCHOOL BOOK REPORT | As soon as he turns itn, he'll get his report card. SPILLED BOTTLE OF IODINE Also from tenth grade Used during “orange skin” phase » meaning to return it before the arranty runs out.[ voooo0p0.wiraPis | sptdtransrit from Garlaht ip-off. Gym still walk It’s not exactly the same as exploring the wreck of the Titanic, PLASTIC BLACK RAT Prot RETAINER, cl ture LARGE COLLECTION OF CUPS, nants of late snacks,Uu Unique Sculptures, Jane’s WHILE SCULPTING ISN'T QUITE THE SAME AS HAVING YOUR HANDS AROUND SOMEONE'S NECK, AT LEAST IT'S A START.Uu Upchuck’s “The Rules for Dating Feisty Chicks” Mr. Michael Perry, Publisher Tomeat Books 1222 Avenue of the Americas New York, New York 10020 Dear Mr. Perry: Allow me to introduce myself. [am Charles Ruttheimer III, and my reputation for conquering members of the fairer sex is—dare I say it?—legendary. So often do my fellow males turn to me for advice in the art of amore that I cannot answer all their questions and still have time for the ladies. It therefore occurred to me that my secrets of seduction would make a guaranteed best-seller. Consequently I have put together a brief sampling of the book [have in mind for your consideration. Enjoy! ‘Chapter 4; The Rules for Seducing Feisty Chicks at Parties Rule#l: Dress the part. Feisty chicks love men with a certain je ne sais quoi. I myself prefer to don an ever-so-silky satin tuxedo jacket, an ascot and an omamental pipe. As one feisty female complimented through her luscious lips upon viewing my ensemble: “Oh, look, honey. They let Hugh Hefner out for a walk.” Rule #2: Make her come to you. When you walk into a crowded room, gently brush up against your object de amore, give her a little “grrr” (tips on how to “grrrrr” will be covered in Chapter 16), and cross to the opposite side of the room. Each time you catch her eye, look at her longingly, and ever so gently purse your lips. Chances are she won’t be the only foxy lady to notice. Rule #3: Ifshe doesn’t come to you. Many femmes fatale like to play hard to get. Others could be intimidated by your ultrasuaveness or by the flock of long-legged lovelies already hanging on your every ‘word. Put her pretty mind to rest. Slowly saunter over, give her a moment to take in the sensual swirl of your pheromones, and then sweetly whisper in her ear: “Your life has just begun.” Then all you have to do is stand back. Stand pretty far back, justin case she has an adverse reaction to so much concentrated masculinity. You might also want to shield any vulnerable areas on your body. Rule#4: Don’t take it personally if you are asked to leave. This often occurs when a male is throw ing the shindig and is jealous of al the attention the ladies are lavishing upon you. Ifthe party-giver isa gal, she could be hurt that you chose not to vie for her affections—ah! A woman scomed, I know her so well. Sim- ply exit without incident and tell your latest love interest that you'll be waiting for her outside, after the party, in rapt anticipation. I's a good idea to conceal a folding chair in the bushes before the party begins, so that once you have been thrown out you won't have to stand during what could be a wait of several hours. ‘Well, Mr. Perry, what do you think? If love has a biographer, Iam that scribe. [look forward to hearing from you! Your new best-selling author, Rapid?ransmit from DariaM makes them look so good. C pais Rabo Other gure ove Upstuck because be Charles Ruttheimer IIL Gee} Gt)UD Vice Presidential Duties, Se Club Frecpomnaibte gor ducisiing om Xess f oo Baad?) 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Ban Asap ae fo% Tring pickante of peanen susnet Ee He annuus prseicen tial autiea in Xt fmacertiy qretife Hae Lear Maat be % mmo dunk saree mle AOS dating commsbrac Unitt Xtert tn ena te pout na aspen Xe. 57 sohan ooren Poagerta Coo nakly Atl by Quen Coordinating Oppicrr Reapornainte gor. comping farce day ppanon percent char top sack mumbsn 2 ve oon’ t wera ti animes HOU iyo acheot or olaah, Hlae penaporaible 5% updating ee hemes of Rreateurnarnite Dak 2 goon aap, wats 228 Shin nich" gaaeng” arate Xie deco Bitough, ig youn tally wale Pie tos pencank on Mec fy tt entire arn mahi Ae wy o-n horns: Beat penomanabips 2 rma. dna atop prob Crunreitty Aald by Ahoy apidTransmit trom DariaM ‘Upon confiscatin eee jsieas arene ee is coon) rel ciosd=ctor (caer yeoew te ating spores had worked. Ga Gm)Faahion Magazine Parade, Ion Weekly Dibotae myfacare mabe Dok conan}.Ww “While We’re Away Housekeeping Notes from the Lanesransmit from DariaM This list would have been very helpful if the Lanes had remembered to leave it home.HH Hanadu — adu — Professional Couples Counseling Dear Married Professionals, Do you find yourself avoiding intimacy PY running off to meetings of Burying your head inthe paper? Have you stopped budgeting sex into your schedule? ‘Do you ever look at your husband or wile ‘and think: "What is this person doing inmy house?” ‘Yes, couples often grow apart, ane fact, many greet this process with considerable relet. But marital strain can affect job performance, which in turn san knock you right off the fast rack atthe ‘office—so your marriage fs worth saving! And at Xanadu Professional Couples Counseling, we've got tne objective data-gathering intrasystom ‘and interpersonal relation@ry management skils to have you cudeling again in no time. ‘Just fil out this simple questionnaire, and send it back with your $400 nonrefundable consultation fee (this ™eY te a reimbursable expense; check vith your aocounting of human resources department). Based on your | determine your specific ieeds and tailor a treatment answers, we wil program specially designed t0 Bring You and your loved one close? together. Do ittoday! = hap =] Rapldiransmit trom Daria I don’t belies ve in intima a cr exercises. I think the; [| intimacy injuries. rea ee8 When my spouse enters the room |: Hear my heart go pitty-pat Know that | am looking at my best friend JC. Make a business call to Tokyo D. Fake like I'm dead 9. How often do you have sexual relations? A. Atleast once a week B. Atleast once a month C. Atleast once a year D. Define “sexual relations” 10. wish my husbandiwite were: A. More romantic 8. More successful ©. More nurturing D. Missing 11. My idea of a romantic evening A. Awalkon the beach B.A bottle of wine in front ofthe fireplace & Dinner fortwo at a French restaurant tI can wre . Excuse me, is this going to take long? 12 Toget our marriage back on track, we should A. Discuss our feelings more openly B. Increase our hours at the office C. Take a second honeymoon D._ Take separate honeymoons 18. wish we had more time to: A. Share activities together 8. Talk and snuggle ©. Catch up on work D. Date other people Li The lasttime my spouse told me he/sho loved me w A. This morning B. Lastweek C. Over the internet D. During the Bush Administration 18. If could do itall over again, | would: A. Marry the same partner B. Pursue the same career path ©. Start my family earlor D. That's it Just twist the knife a litle deeperYY Yearbook Sa Six] Ma’am With Love- Later on,some of the | students will wonder why they dreamed about The Old Man cond the Sea. Mr. D assures the class that “there are no stupid questions. Just stupid people”The Special Bond Between Leachers and Students Ms, Barch helps a student with his self-esteem, “After the test, those No.2 pencils are to be returned!”Thanks to recent advances in medical ‘treatment, paramedics were able to save some of the gym class, The best thing about teaching is that you get back as much as you give.2Z Zimbabwe, E-mail to sPeucneck ] [_oFEN _] [_aooness_] [_INoen 0: (Ceci lst¢snokeland.con FROM? [Daria Dear cecil, ‘Thank you for inviting me to spend a year abroad with you on your father’s tobacco farm in Zimbabwe. As much as I appreciate the offer, I must decline, as leaving the house would fulfill my sister Quinn’s fondest dream. The thought of meeting a new group of high school students is another deterrent, especially since I'd be expected to speak to them. At least at Lawndale, my friend Jane and I know that we'll be every bit as unpopular next year as we are now and, as a result, will be left alone to pursue our own interests (should we develop any). Living here might be hell, but at least it’s my hell. Finally, T have to admit that I might actually get homesick. 1/4 miss the familiar click of the deadbolt as I lock the door to my room, the tomblike hush of my padded walls, and the soothing static of the television as it drowns out the inane prattle of houschold members down the hall. Besides, Af I move, my family might think I’m trying to alienate then... Did you say you had a room with a view? Daria == Tapiairansmit trom Daria I’m always open to new experiences. Just so I don’t have to leave my room.When Teens Turn Bad! When Teachers Snap! When Parents Pounce! When Makeup Smears! When Milk Starts Getting That Smell! When a Crafty High School Misfit Compiles a Huge Dossier of Information on Her Town D and Makes It Public in the Form of an ! Easily Skimmed Paperback Book! And much, much more! oer il 90>