Communication Booklet

The Secrets to Successful
Family Communication
By:
Matt and Caleb Maddix
Copyright © 2016 by Matt Maddix and Caleb Maddix
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be
reproduced, distributed, or transmitted without express
consent of the author.
Book Cover Design: Denise Barringer
Editing: Amy Kochek
Printing and/or ordering information: amazon.com
Table of Contents
Introduction....................................................................... 1
7 Ways to Have Better Communication ...................... 7
1. Have Quality Conversations Everyday ............ 9
2. Ask Questions and Listen .................................13
3. Have Positive Body Language .........................21
4. Choose the Right Time to Have Serious
Talks ......................................................................26
5. Repeat Back What They Said ...........................31
6. Don’t EVER Bring Up Past Mistakes: ..........36
7. Be Clear When You Communicate ................40
7 Ways to Express Feelings without Fighting ..........45
1. Refuse to Attack .................................................46
2. Don’t Raise Your Voice ....................................49
3. Assume the Best .................................................52
4. Ask Them to Listen ...........................................56
5. Thank Your Family for Opening Up .............58
6. Ask for Forgiveness ...........................................61
7. Work on How You Express: ...........................65
7 Things to Never Say When Communicating ........ 69
1. “You Never” or “You Always” ....................... 69
2. You are . . . [Negative] ....................................... 72
3. Can’t ...................................................................... 73
4. “I told you so” .................................................... 74
5. Don’t say Extreme Things ............................... 75
6. I Don’t Want to Talk About It ........................ 76
7. We Can’t Afford That ....................................... 77
5 Attitudes That Destroy Communication ............... 81
1. Negative Attitude ............................................... 82
2. Defensive Attitude ............................................. 84
3. Harsh Attitude..................................................... 86
4. Critical Attitude ................................................... 87
5. Arrogant Attitude ............................................... 89
Conclusion ....................................................................... 91
Introduction
Matt:
Communication is perhaps one of the most
important aspects of relationships, but it is also one
of the most neglected areas of growth. Most of us
assume that becoming an effective communicator
comes naturally. That is actually quite false.
Communication is an art and in order to become
better at it, you have to study. Because of its extreme
importance, we decided to spend some time sharing
tools that we have used in order to improve our
communication.
Families are so unique in that they combine a
group of various personalities and temperaments.
These differences then provide an environment
where each person communicates differently. This
means, that it is vital for families to make healthy
communication a priority. Communication
breakdowns can be the cause of stress, constant
arguments, unrest in the home, rebellious children,
and divorce.
1
The Secrets to Successful Family Communication
Improving communication does not happen over

night, but it can begin with some simple steps and
actions that if repeated over time, will immensely
improve your communication in your home as well
as in other relationships. These tips that we are
about to share can work on your family, but they can
also be used in other relationships.
I’m talking specifically to the parents right now.
It is so essential for you to learn how to
communicate with your kids. Too many of you
spend time talking at your kids but very little time
talking with your kids. There is a difference, my
friends. We damage our kids by neglecting to
communicate with them or by using hostile and
defensive strategies to diffuse conflicts. Both of
these are working against the harmony that you
desire in your home.
As you read through this book, make sure you
are doing it as a family. Make it a component of your
family time. Discuss the concepts that you read in
this book, complete the exercises together, and share
what you have learned with one another.
2
Introduction
Caleb:
Among the many things that I love about my dad,
his ability to communicate effectively is one of his
greatest characteristics. As a kid, there are many
times that I’ve seen the way parents talk to their
children or the way that the children talk to their
parents. It blows my mind that disrespect, anger, or
even ignoring is present in these conversations.
Guys, all of these negative communication habits are
literally tearing families apart all over the world.
Kids need to be taught how to effectively
communicate, and the greatest tool for instruction is
through modeling. Parents, you need to model what
effective communication looks and sounds like. That
may be the problem in your home. You want your
kids to do communicate better, but you have yet to
give them the instructions for how to do it. The
instructions can be found in your communication
style.
I can say with complete confidence that my
ability to communicate at this level is directly
connected to my dad’s daily instruction and
3
modeling. My dad was and still is always teaching me

how to be a better communicator. He does this three
ways:
1. Through our relationship
2. Through his communication with others
3. Through direct instruction
My dad uses our relationship as a tool to teach
effective communication. You will see a clearer
picture of this as you read the book since we will be
using a lot of examples from our own lives to teach
our principles of communication. He is always
making sure that when a conflict arises or a
communication opportunity presents itself, he uses it
as a teaching moment so that we can both become
better communicators and our relationship can
ultimately be strengthened.
I want to encourage the kids out there to really
take this book seriously. The concept of effective
communication doesn’t just apply to your family
relationships. Improving in this area can help you in
your career, friendships, and future romantic
relationships. Also, it is so important for you to
4
Introduction
maintain respect, and one of the greatest ways that

respect is neglected is through our communication
styles.
Kids, make sure you are doing what my dad said
earlier. Take notes and discuss with your parents. I
know that it might be hard at first, but trust me, it
gets easier and will completely strengthen your
relationship with your family.
So, parents and kids, put your phones on silent,
turn off all technology, find a comfortable, quiet
spot, and go through this book together. After
reading this, your family will never be the same, so
make sure you start this journey together.
Note: There will be exercises throughout this book
that will require reflection that may include writing.
We want to encourage you all to have a notebook or
journal present with you while reading this book.
Each person may have a journal or notebook, or you
can have 1 as a family. The choice is up to you.
5
7 Ways to Have Better Communication
Matt:
I talked about this a little in the intro, but I want to
reemphasize just how important communication is
to your family. This factor will determine the
environment of your home, your relationships with
one another, and the overall happiness that each of
you feels. Before we begin, I want you to look at
each other and decide now whether you want more
happiness and peace or tension and fighting.
If you have decided that you want more
happiness and peace, I want you to look at each
other and smile. If you want more tension and
fighting, I want you to frown. Now, I’m hoping that
you are all smiling at each other right now, which
shows that as a family, you are committing to
gaining more happiness and peace in your home.
Friends, your family may be going through a lot
of stress and tension. You may not be talking right
now, and your family may be holding in a lot of
hurts. There may be a great deal of yelling and
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screaming. The good news is this. You are going to

read this book, follow the process, and begin to
experience more peace and contentment. Just make
sure that you stick with the process and you will see
results.
Let’s get started. We are going to give you 7
things that are going to help your family
communicate better than you ever have before.
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1. Have Quality Conversations Everyday
Matt:
I read something a while back that absolutely
shocked me. It said that each day, a child only gets
about 9 minutes of quality communication with their
parents. Reading that fact just absolutely broke my
heart because what it means for both the parents
and the kids. Both parents and kids aren’t just
missing out on conversation, they are also missing
out on a real relationship because a relationship
cannot be built without communication.
I want to encourage you parents that are reading
this to talk to your kids. I know you are busy. Listen,
we are all busy. Most of the days, we are fighting to
find free time or even time to get our work done. I
get it, but you MUST take time each day to talk to
your kids. Turn off the phones, rearrange your
schedule, remove lesser priorities, and talk to your
kids.
Caleb and I have a very busy schedule. We work
long hours, travel, and live life at a rapid pace. In the
9
midst of all of this, we make sure to have at least 30

minutes of one on one, focused communication
with one another. Some of the things we do to make
this happen are to go for a walk, go to a restaurant,
or visit a tea or coffee shop. We leave our phones in
the car, make eye contact, and just talk. One of the
key aspects of communication is being in the present
moment. I want you to commit to talking everyday.
Not just passing information, but I want you to
focus on connecting while you are talking. This
involves truly listening, making eye contact, and
eliminating distractions.
Caleb:
If you don’t have the time to spend 30 minutes a day
in your life for your family, then you don’t have a
life. Make sure that you are talking to each other
every day because the more time you set aside to
have quality communication, the better relationship
you are going to have. I can’t imagine going a week
without talking to my family.
In fact, communication is how me and my dad
start our day. We have a tag in at 9:00 am each
10
morning where we lay out the events of our day and

discuss anything that needs to be accomplished with
each other. Throughout the day, there are
conversations and discussions that we have as well.
Even though we are talking to each other
throughout the day, we still have a time in the day
where we are completely focused on one another
during 30 minutes of quality conversation.
Matt:
To indicate the beginning of your 30 minutes of
quality conversation, I suggest that you call it your,
“family talk time.” You can even announce it at the
scheduled time each day. Before you begin your
family talk, you may want to consider some rules or
steps to take in order to make this time efficient.
Some suggestions would be to turn off all cell
phones and technology, change your environment to
a quiet and comfortable spot, and try to do it at the
same time each day. You may even try to go on a
walk during your family talk time.
There was a time that our family talk time started
right after school. I would pick Caleb up and my
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phone would already be on silent and put away.

During the 20 minute drive home, we would talk,
laugh, and go over our events of the day. When we
arrived home, our talk would continue as we walked
around a pond in our neighborhood.
Now friends, it is amazing how much your family
can change in 30 days by merely implementing
quality conversation into your lives each day. It is
obviously going to take commitment from your
family to form a strong bond. If you make the
commitment to have quality conversation, you will
have less tension, conflict, and confusion.
12
2. Ask Questions and Listen
Matt:
This is huge, and I want to encourage those who are
naturally shy or not really talkative to use this tip as
an opportunity to improve your family time as well
as your confidence in your ability to communicate.
One way that you can do this is to use your family
talk time to ask each other 3-5 questions each. Make
sure that you are asking good questions. For
instance, don’t just ask your kids, “How was school
today?” More than likely you are going to get a one-
word answer like, “good” or “fine.”
Caleb:
My dad always tells me that the quality of the
conversation is determined by the quality of the
questions. I completely agree with this because I’ve
seen it happen in my own life. One of the number
one things that me and my dad do is to drill each
other with questions. I’ve been in the car with some
of my friends and they are on their phones while
their parents are driving in silence. There are no
13
questions being asked or even an attempt at

conversation. When I’m in the car with my dad,
there are constant questions being asked and
answered.
Like my dad said, this can actually help those
who aren’t as outgoing or talkative. I know that
when I was younger, I used to be extremely shy and
introverted. However, my dad made sure that I was
always communicating and answering questions. He
did this by pushing me out of my comfort zone. My
dad pushed me to be a communicator by making me
ask at least 2 interesting questions to the people I
interacted with each day. There would also be times
that my dad would rate my questions to ensure that
they were interesting. Most of us just ask questions
and never really tap into the creative side of our
brains. By continuously challenging me to ask
thought provoking questions, I became more
outgoing and talkative. I also started to master
communication skills.
This helped me improve my ability to converse
and relate to other people. You must relate in order
to have a relationship, and the only way to relate is
14
through communication. This is why it is so

important for families to communicate, and
questions are a great way to do that. Also, make sure
that you don’t just ask questions, but make sure that
you are listening to the answers because you never
know what you will find out.
Matt:
We’ll give you some examples. One of the games
that me and Caleb play is called, “would you rather.”
It’s a simple question game that presents 2 scenarios
that you pick from and then you explain why you
picked one of them. For instance, you can ask,
“Would you rather go to the beach or for a walk in
the woods?” Another one could be, “Would you
rather ride on a four-wheeler or a jet ski.”
Even though this game sounds pretty simple, it
actually helped us get to know one another.
Sometimes we would laugh at the answers or we
would talk about serious stuff. Another game we
would play is called 10 questions, which is pretty
self-explanatory. I would tell Caleb that we were
going to take turns asking questions until we got to
15
10. This game would give us really good

conversation, and it works really well for the kids
because they are able to ask their parents interesting
questions.
Not only are these games fun, you actually learn
a lot about your family. Here’s what I want you
parents and kids to do. I want you to become
question asking machines. For example, I was at the
gym yesterday in the sauna and there was another
gentleman sitting in there. He was a strong looking
guy so I asked him, “Sir, what is the secret to having
a fit and healthy body.” That question led me to
asking another 7-10 questions. The result of that is
that I made a connection, but most importantly,
asking questions showed that I had an interest in the
other person’s life. These games are fun, but they
also great tools to help us learn about others.
Caleb:
Both of the games that my dad mentioned were key
tools that made our relationship stronger. We
learned a lot about each other through the games
and were even able to ask better questions the more
16
we knew about each other. From a kid’s perspective,

there are a lot of questions that you can ask your
parents that allow you to know them a little better.
As kids, we spend a lot of time thinking of our
parents as just our parents. We forget that they were
kids too and have a great deal of stories and wisdom
to share. You just have to ask the right questions and
be willing to listen to the answers.
A couple questions that I’ve asked my dad are,
“What is your favorite childhood memory?” “Who
was your best friend when you were a kid and why?”
or “What did you do at work today?” Any of these
questions can be an opportunity for you to learn
more about your parents.
Matt:
We need to make sure that we spend a good deal of
time talking about listening as well because the
quality of the question will mean nothing if the art of
listening is not applied. Communication is just as
much listening as it is asking questions and talking. If
you have a large family with multiple children, I
think it would be a great idea to have a specific
17
process for talking and listening. I know that many

times, kids can get excited with sharing, but make
sure that you are making it a priority to stress the
importance of listening along with talking.
This skill is especially important when someone
is expressing pain or frustration. The family needs to
be able to listen to an individual who is
communicating this sensitive information without
cutting them off or passively listening. Asking
questions and listening can involve moments that
bring up some emotional responses. For example,
Caleb’s body language may reveal that he is having a
rough day, so I’ll say to him, “Caleb you seem a little
down today. Is that just because you are tired, or is
there something on your mind?” He might say, “I’m
ok.” I may ask another question in order to dig a
little deeper. If these questions lead Caleb to open
up about what is really bothering him, this is my cue
that it is my time to listen and not to talk.
I see a lot of parents make this mistake. When
their kid starts to open up about something
sensitive, parents use this as an opportunity to
lecture or give advice. This is the wrong time for
18
that. Parents, I really want you to slow down and

make sure you understand the necessity of capturing
the little window of time that your child opens up.
Sometimes they will consciously and subconsciously
test you. I’ve seen so many parents go into teach and
lecture mode when their kids were opening up.
While they were giving advice, I watched the kid
shut down.
I’ve been working with kids for 10 years and of
course I’ve been a dad for 14 years. Whenever they
open up a little, its important that you are slow to
speak, make eye contact, use body language that
shows interest, and express appreciation for sharing.
Your kids may need to hear that you are truly
grateful for them sharing in the way they did.
I would watch Caleb’s body language change
after he shared with me and because of the
validation I gave him, he seemed more relaxed and
at ease. That is what our kids are really looking for –
validation. Make sure you slow down and validate
your kids when they open up. Let them know that
you are proud of them and you appreciate them
expressing.
19
Caleb:
If you want your kids to have an open mind, you
have to be open to receiving what is on their mind.
If you interrupt them or use this moment as a time
for lecture, you may cause more damage.
This is to the kids out there. Make sure you
understand the power of questions. Here is an
analogy that I can use for this. Conversation is just
like tennis. The purpose of tennis is to keep the ball
going back and forth on the court until one of the
players miss. The same can be said for conversation.
Questions and answers are the energy that keep the
“ball” or conversation going. The parent asks a
question, the kid gives an answer and then vice
versa. This continues until the family talk is
complete. Approaching conversation in this way
allows both sides to learn more about each other and
have effective moments of communication.
20
3. Have Positive Body Language
Matt:
I’ve watched a lot of conversations between parents
and kids over the years, and many times, the kids will
be sitting across from their parents with their arms
crossed or slouched down in their seat while looking
at their phone. This kind of body language can
create a very disengaged environment that would
have a negative impact on your family talks.
During your designated family talk times, make
sure that all those who are participating are smiling,
open, and relaxed with their body language.
Caleb:
I’ve seen similar parent/kid interactions where the
parent is talking to the kid, and the kid is sitting
across from them totally disinterested while
responding with one-word, monotone answers. It
seems like the kid is physically there, but mentally
they are in a completely different place. I’ve also
seen the opposite occur where the kid is trying to
21
talk to the parent, but the parent is not engaged in

the conversation. Their body language seems closed
off and distant.
It is so important for you to make sure that you
body language looks as though you are mentally in
the conversation. Your body language communicates
how dialed in you are to the conversation. It doesn’t
matter how many times you may say, “I’m listening.”
If your body language reveals that you are distant,
then you are not really actively listening.
Matt:
Basic forms of positive body language during a
conversation are eye contact, nod your head, and
smile. Doing these on a consistent basis takes
practice, but it will really help you in a huge way.
This is especially important in serious conversations.
Positive body language makes sure that both
parties in the conversation remain engaged with their
mind and body. It also encourages active listening.
In fact, 55% of our communication involves body
language. Assess each other’s body language or other
22
aspects of communication. Caleb and I started doing

this years ago and it has hugely impacted our
relationship.
I will ask Caleb to rate my bod language on a
scale of 1 to 10. Another example is that I will ask
him to rate me on my eye contact and conversation
engagement. This is healthy for families to do in
order to practice and evaluate your communication
process. Caleb will tell me things like, “you have
your arms crossed” or “you weren’t making eye
contact while I was talking.” Body language has a
huge impact on the communication process. It
impacts our energy, confidence, and our ability to
connect with others. We should be standing up
straight and open to receive. I want you all to work
on this and practice healthy body language as a
family.
Caleb:
This is something that my dad and me practice on a
regular basis. If we are having a conversation, we
both make sure that we are completely zoned in with
our body language and the best way to do that is
23
through focused eye contact. Sure, we mess up with

this sometimes, but it is the highest priority. I also
make it a priority to make eye contact with anyone
that I’m having a conversation with. This lets them
know that I am ready to receive their information
and that I am listening.
As a kid, my dad always taught me to never to
take my eyes off of my coach when he was talking.
He then transferred that same concept to anyone I
was speaking with. As kids, it is a sign of respect to
give and then keep eye contact during conversation.
It doesn’t matter if it is your parent, teacher,
grandparent, or friend. Respect is shown through
maintained eye contact.
Exercise:
Each person is going to come up with a short 2-
minute story to tell. It doesn’t have to be very
detailed. While one person is telling the story, the
rest of the people in the room will practice eye
contact, nodding, smiling, sitting up, and showing an
overall positive stance. Body language also comes
from a genuine interest in what the other person is
24
saying. Because of this, practice really caring about

what the speaker is saying. Don’t let your mind
wander or get annoyed with what they are saying. In
your journal, have each family member write down 1
strength and 1 weakness in reference to positive
body language and then share. As a family, discuss
areas that you need improvement and some
strategies for making those areas better.
25
4. Choose the Right Time to Have Serious

Talks
Let’s say that Caleb has something serious to talk to

me about, but he sees me busy typing on the
computer. What he will do is approach me and tell
me that he has something important to speak with
me about. He will then ask me if it is a good time to
have a conversation that will require my undivided
attention for 15 minutes. Many times, I’ll tell Caleb
that unless it is an emergency, he might want to hold
off until later that night, so he can have my complete
attention and focus.
The same can be true for Caleb. There are times
when I want to have a serious talk and Caleb will tell
me that he would prefer to wait to have the talk until
later. Timing is vital when dealing with topics that
might cause heightened emotions. Because of this,
there are certain times that serious talks should not
occur. We have seen so many families have serious
talks right before bed, before the kids go to school,
or before a sports game.
26
Parents, I really want you to make it a priority to

master this. You will see this recurring theme
throughout our training because we believe in
striving for mastery in areas that need improvement.
Obviously, there is no way to master training
without consistent evaluation. Choosing the right
time to have serious talks is an absolute must. It can
make a difference as to whether you family bonds or
has division.
One of the reasons why there is so much fighting
is because you are not choosing the right time to
have serious conversations. As we discussed earlier,
if you really want to grow as a family, you need to
have blocks of time to have family talks. Have
everyone turn of their phones, turn off the tv, and
set a time for the talk. Set rules that are specific to
your family to help you all have healthy
communication.
Having blocks of time for family night can make
a big difference. Don’t be the type of family that
communicates on the fly. Most communication
happens on the way to school, on the way to work,
during dinner, or in between big tasks. Dinnertime
27
should not be saved for hard conversations. This

should be a time of gratitude and connecting. Save
those sensitive topics for intentional family times.
Use the dinner table as a place of safety and positive
communication.
Caleb:
I remember when I played baseball and right before
the game, my nerves would take over and it was hard
for me to focus. I couldn’t imagine if my dad
decided at that moment to have a conversation with
me that brought about more emotions than the ones
I was already feeling. A talk that involved correction
or conflict would drastically effect my energy and
impact my performance on the field.
Make sure that you are choosing the right time to
have those serious talks. Sit down and intentionally
have serious talks when both of you are calm and
your minds are cleared. Another tip is that you
should never have serious talks in front of other
people. From a kid’s perspective, there is nothing
worse than having a serious talk or getting yelled at
28
by your parents in front of your friends. It’s an awful

feeling.
The same can be said for kids. Don’t disrespect
your parents in private, but also don’t disrespect
your parents in front of other people. Don’t correct
your parents in public even if your complaint is
valid. Save your feedback for a private conversation
with your parents.
Matt:
Parents, I want to share a transparent moment with
you all. I had to learn about correcting Caleb during
the right moments. I know that some of you feel as
though any moment you want to correct your kid is
the right moment, but that belief did not work for
me at all. Caleb would shut down when I tried to
correct him in front of others. Instead of continuing
that totally ineffective behavior, I decided to discuss
with Caleb the best times to have these types of
discussions. The same is true for kids. There are
right times to have serious talks about some
frustrations you may have with your parents.
29
The way to get better with this is to talk about it

with one another. Discuss the best times and process
for having serious talks. Decide what you all are
going to say to one another in order to initiate the
conversation. Also, discuss what questions will you
ask as well.
Exercise:
As a family, decide how you are going to deal with
serious talks. Establish time frames, questions, or
prompts that will indicate the need for a serious talk.
Once the plan is made, post it somewhere visible
and stick to it. This is also a great time to discuss
frustrations concerning public correcting for both
the parents and the kids. Discuss what you like and
what you don’t like without excuses or defensive
responses.
30
5. Repeat Back What They Said
Caleb:
This one is practical. It simply instructs you to listen
to what the other person says and then repeat is
back to them. For instance, let’s say that my dad tells
me to clean my room. I will respond by stating, “So
what I’m hearing is that you want me to clean my
room. Ok, I will respect that and start cleaning it.” It
sounds simple, but it is actually quite effective. Make
sure that you do not use sarcasm while repeating as
well. Doing this will make the other person feel as
though you both listened to and valued what they
had to say?
Repeating should not be used if you are
exchanging simple phrases to communicate with one
another. This skill should only be used for more
serious or lengthy conversations.
Matt:
I am going to give you another example. Let’s say
that I tell Caleb, “I need you to go into your closet
31
and organize your shoes. I don’t like when you just

throw them on the ground in your closet because
they get unorganized and it takes you too much time
to find the right pair.”
Caleb:
From my dad’s request, I would respond like this.
“OK, so what you are telling me is that you want me
to go to my closet and organize my shoes because
the disorganization causes me to waste time. Is that
what I hear you saying?
Matt:
“That is correct.”
Caleb:
“I respect that. I will organize my closet like you
have asked.” After I repeat back what my dad said, I
then ask him for his feedback. I will usually ask, “Do
you feel that I understood what you were telling me
to do.” My dad will then respond accordingly based
on what I repeated back to him.
32
Matt:
Doing this requires you to slow down the
communication process and really hear what the
other person is saying. The greatest break down in
communication occurs because we don’t understand
what the other person is saying, or we are passively
listening. Both can cause dangerous assumptions
that can start deteriorating a relationship. Becoming
a master communicator is not easy. It requires
discipline and practice. In this instance, you must
practice this skill in order to become a better listener,
which is such a vital aspect of communication.
When repeating what the other person has said,
start with this phrase, “So I completely understand,
you feel like . . .”
At first this might seem a little different. It’s not
just you repeating back what the other person says.
It is showing the other person that you really
understand what they are saying because it is more
than just the words they are saying. When people are
talking, they are usually expressing a deeper emotion.
If you are not focused, you will miss the underlying
33
emotion and only respond to their words. Making it

a habit to repeat back to the other person will bring
a breakthrough to your family and vastly improve
your relationships with one another. A breakthrough
occurs when you move from merely listening to
words to actually feeling what is being expressed
while the words are spoken.
Let’s get practical. How many of you have said
something and you knew that the other person heard
you, but they didn’t feel you. We want others to not
just hear us, but also to feel our emotions and
underlying frustrations. Because our minds are full
and clouded, this can be difficult. That is the
purpose of our coaching. We are training you to
have clear minds that are not easily distracted.
Technology is probably the biggest culprit when it
comes to our lack of focus. You need to have
specific times when you take a break from
technology so that your mind can have a break. This
simple change will help you be more focused in your
communication.
34
Exercise:
Now, we want you to practice repeating back to one
another. Each one of you will take turns making a
statement or request to another individual. It is now
the listener’s turn to repeat back what the speaker
just stated. Make sure that you use the opening
phrase, “So I completely understand, you feel like . .
.” Once you have completed the activity, jot down
some of the areas that you all feel as though you
need to work on as individuals and as a family.
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6. Don’t EVER Bring Up Past Mistakes
Matt:
I’m sure that we have all been there before. We are
in an argument or having a frustrating conversation,
and in our emotional state, we bring up past
mistakes to “one-up” the other person. The results
of this could really damage your relationships and
create an environment of distrust and resentment.
As a family, it should be your desire to always
forgive and let go of any grudges that you may have.
If this is your desire, then you should make a real
effort to never bring up past mistakes that could
hurt others or cause greater contention in the home.
Caleb:
One of the greatest habits that destroys family is this
one right here. Bringing up people’s past shows how
much bitterness and resentment that you are holding
on to. It’s kind of like when you are watching a
movie and a husband and wife are arguing. In the
middle of the argument, the wife brings up the
36
husband’s past mistake. In his defense, the husband

responds by saying that it was a long time ago and he
thought they already resolved the issue through her
forgiveness. The wife responds that even though it
happened a long time ago and she forgave doesn’t
mean that she forgot it.
Even though some movies present fictional
stories, this scenario is all too real in many homes. If
you said that you forgave someone, don’t bring it up
again. That is the essence of forgiveness. You
choose to let it stay in the past and move forward. It
is wrong to say that you forgive someone and then
hold onto that mistake like a bullet in a gun holster.
Don’t use past mistakes as ammunition. Let it go. It
doesn’t mean that you will forget what another
person has done to you. I’m not telling you to get
selective amnesia. I’m telling you to choose to let it
go.
Mistakes are going to happen. It’s impossible to
share the same house with your spouse and children
and never experience mistakes or betrayal. It is going
to happen, but you can’t continue to bring those up
because it will destroy your family.
37
Matt:
Guys, you have to do this – be in the moment,
forgive, and let go of the past. We all have said and
done things we wish we hadn’t, but today is a new
day. Forgive others and forgive yourself. Each new
day affords you another opportunity to forgive and
live an abundant life filled with love, happiness and
peace. I heard a quote once that said unforgiveness
is like taking a daily dose of poison waiting for the
other person to die. What you are unwilling to let go
is effecting you more than anyone else. You deserve
a happy, emotionally healthy family. It starts with
you.
A healthy family is built upon emotionally
healthy individuals. Emotional maturity is required in
order to forgive others and release any grudges. Give
your family more grace than judgment and more
compliments than criticism. If you make it a goal to
understand your family’s flaws and weaknesses, it
will help you to reduce the anger and frustration you
feel towards them. It will help you appreciate the
differences and human moments our family has as
38
opposed to resenting them. Practice being merciful

towards your family. Expect the best from yourself
and each other. Know that there will be times that
both sides will not live up to those expectations, but
being realistic with those expectations will allow you
to show compassion to those who don’t live up to
them.
Exercise:
As a family, use your journal to write down a person
in the family that you need to forgive and why you
need to forgive them. Be honest and open in this
moment. Don’t let your pride get in the way.
Apologize sincerely and choose to leave all you write
down in the past. Get it out, and then as a family
choose to let it all go. Start fresh!
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7. Be Clear When You Communicate
Matt:
This one really communicates the principle behind
the other 6 ways we discussed above, which is to
slow down when you are communicating. We live in
a busy world with so many priorities that effective
communication gets lost in the daily to do list. We
talk, but we do not communicate.
As I said before, communication is an art. Think
of it as a painting. An artist doesn’t just take a blank
canvas and start slapping colors on it. They take
their time and focus on the overall vision that they
have for their masterpiece. The same can be said for
communication, especially in families. You should
never just settle for passive listening and sporadic
talking. Based on the vision you have for your
family, you need to have intentional, strategic
conversations that build your communication skills
as an individual and as a family.
40
Caleb:
I remember a time when we went to a lake and it
looked absolutely disgusting. You couldn’t see the
bottom because there were algae, leaves, and dirt in
the water. At the same time, I remember going to
the Caribbean and seeing a body of water that
looked totally opposite. It was so crystal clear that
you could see the bottom.
That body of water in the Caribbean is how you
want your communication to be in your family.
Unfortunately, most of us will find that our
communication is a lot like that murky lake. We tend
to speak so much in generalities and expect others to
fill in the blanks of our muddled communication.
The problem with this is that when people fill in
the blanks, they are using their own perceptions and
assumptions. This is where so much conflict can
arise. When you are not clear in the way you
communicate, you leave space for misunderstandings
and frustration to occur. Be specific in the way you
communicate. Make sure you are clear and concise,
41
and take the time to assess the listener’s

understanding of what you said.
Matt:
Let me give you some examples. Let’s say that a kid
asks his parent to pick him up from practice after
school. When his mom pulls up at 3:45 pm he is
upset because he got released from practice at 3:00
pm. The problem with this is that he was general in
his request, so her response was left up to her own
interpretation of her son’s request. Instead of using a
general request the son should have said, “Mom, can
you pick me up after practice at 3:00 pm? I’ll be in
the back of the school in front of the field by the
white sign.” That’s specific.
Parents can also be more specific when it comes
to instructing their kids. For instance, don’t just say
put up your dirty clothes, say, “Put the towel in your
basket right after your shower.” This can also be
coupled with #6 as well, which is having your child
repeat back to you what you just said.
42
Exercise:
It is now time for you to practice clear
communication as a family. Each person needs to
prepare 3 things they are going to say in a clear,
concise way. Once they have completed their
statements, the family will then grade them on how
clear they were with their statements. Write the
grades for each person in your journal, and then give
each person some feedback. Tell them what they did
well first, and then give some suggestions for
communicating more clearly.
43
7 Ways to Express Feelings without
Fighting
Matt:
Way too many families struggle with expressing
feelings. Wouldn’t it be amazing if your family could
talk about anything without it turning into drama,
fighting, or yelling? Wouldn’t it be nice to have a
home where it is safe to talk about anything without
tension or conflict? Obviously, Caleb and I are not
perfect, and we’ve had to do it wrong first in order
to know how to do it right. These are just some
strategies that we have used in order to be better
with communication, which is what this book is all
about.
45
1. Refuse to Attack
Matt:
When you are expressing your feelings, make sure
that you are talking about your feelings without
attacking the other person. For example, if Caleb is
telling me how he feels, his goal is not to attack me
and vice versa. It is also important that when you are
expressing your feelings that you stay focused.
Many times, conversations such as these can be
packed with emotions that make us seem all over the
place. Before going into one of these conversations,
perhaps write out or talk out what you want to say
first so you can express your feelings without getting
lost in distracting emotions.
Also, it is helpful if you use terms such as, “I
feel” or “I sense” instead of using combative terms
such as, “You did” or “You made me.” Keeping
your words and phrases personal, ensures that the
other person won’t feel attacked. It also allows you
to focus on how you feel instead of creating a
combative situation in which both parties are
defending themselves. This is counterproductive in
any conversation.
46
7 Ways to Express Feelings without Fighting
I always tell Caleb that the goal is more

important than the role. I’ve seen so many
relationships destroyed because both parties were
obsessed with being right. In order to have healthy
relationships, you have to give up your need to be
right. The goal is simply to clear up
misunderstandings so that there can be peace and
harmony in the family.
When you have a motive that says I love my
mom, I love me son, I love my daughter, I love my
dad, then you will avoid the desire to attack. There
are times when our desire to be heard is so strong
that we attack the other person. Make a commitment
that you aren’t going to attack when you are
experiencing hurt feelings. You are only going to talk
about the problem and not the person.
Caleb:
If you are attacking, the other person is going to feel
attacked, plain and simple. If you do any scientific
research on the brain and body, you will discover
that any time a human feels as though they are being
attacked, they automatically go into a defensive
mode. Not only will they be on the defensive, they
47
will try to attack back because survival is what we all

seek. The same can be said for conversations in
which a person feels as though they are being
attacked. Instead of listening or responding
positively to the information, they will start to attack.
This will lead to a fight that veers away from the
purpose and overall success of the conversation.
Even if you family is sharing sensitive
information that is hard to hear, refuse to attack.
Make up in your mind to grow from every
conversation even if it is hard.
Exercise:
Practice this concept by having two people in your
family role-play a situation in which feelings are
expressed. The first time, have one individual use
“you” phrases and allow the other person to
respond. Next, have them use the same conversation
and switch it to, “I feel” statements and allow a
response. As a family, discuss the differences
between the 2 conversations and determine how you
all will handle moments when feelings must be
expressed. Write your results in your journal.
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2. Don’t Raise Your Voice
Matt:
If you are raising your voice, then you are out of
control. Nothing ever gets accomplished when your
voice is raised. When was the last time you screamed
and yelled and were able to accomplish what you
wanted? The reality is that the other person gets
scared, upset, or shuts down. Even though parents
can get frustrated, it is important to avoid yelling and
screaming.
Parents and kids, you will hear us say this a lot,
but Caleb and I are not perfect. Most of the areas
that we are coaching on are either areas that we used
to have problems in or areas that we are still
experiencing issues. If you feel hurt or you don’t feel
like you’re understood, I want you all to know that it
is completely normal to raise your voice. Understand
that it is your goal to grow past that place. Even if
you feel violated, frustrated, angry, and disrespected,
make it a practice to communicate calmly.
One thing that Caleb and I do is to walk away for
a few moments during a time of conflict. Some
49
people take some time to take 10 breaths. The key is

to make sure that you are not the person that merely
reacts. There is always time to react unless an
alligator or rattlesnake is chasing you. ☺ Those
instances require immediate action. However, in our
relationships, we always have time to think through
and then respond. Most fast reactions in the heat of
the moment will cause an unhealthy situation.
Caleb:
This goes back to the attacking concept we just
discussed. When you are yelling, it can be seen as an
attack. Just like my dad said, whether it’s the parents
or the kids yelling, very little is really solved when
you raise your voice. The way to change the habit of
raising your voice is to change your habits through
practice. Practice talking in a calm tone of voice as if
you are talking with a friend.
Matt:
There is a proverb that says, “A soft answer turns
away wrath.” I want you guys to practice this. In the
heat of extreme frustration, practice by responding
50
with a soft answer. It has a way of turning around

feelings of frustration and anger. You will find that
those feelings will be replaced with calm once a soft
answer becomes a habit in your conversations.
Remember, you guys will probably hear this
19,000 times this year. It all comes back to practice.
Set a goal in the next 30 days that you will not raise
your voice more than 4 times. Give yourself a
consequence if you don’t hit that goal. You may
make yourself sleep on the floor for 2 days if you
raise your voice more than 4 times. It is very
important to have consequences and rewards when
you are trying to break negative habits.
Exercise:
We have covered a lot so far in this section. I want
you all to stop and collectively share what you are
learning with one another. Jot down one thing from
each family member and write it in your journal.
Then use them as quick discussion points.
51
3. Assume the Best
Matt:
Since we are talking about expressing feelings
without fighting, you should always go into
conversations assuming the best about the other
person. Never go into a conversation with the
mentality that the other person intends to harm you.
Negative assumptions can effect the conversation
before it even begins because you have presupposed
assumptions of the other person’s intentions. You
should always take on the belief that the other
person means well and has your best interests at
heart. This can be difficult because if you are
expressing your feelings, it may bring up
uncomfortable topics. Don’t allow this fact to make
you embrace negative assumptions.
Listen, guys I’ve coached a lot of people through
the years and empowered them to get past the victim
mentality. To have healthy relationships you must
have a healthy perspective of your family. Voices can
come to bring a negative perspective because of our
past experiences or bitterness that we have yet to let
52
go. This turns us into a victim where we believe that

everyone is out to get us.
Even when I knew my family was being
immature and mistreating me instead of being
loving, thoughtful, or sensitive, I still chose to
believe the best about them. They didn’t love
themselves in the right way and that’s why they
treated me this way. Assuming the best in people
and learning to be merciful to our family will reveal
just how much they really love us. Instead of
assuming the worst, assume the best and it will
completely change your perspective of your family.
It’s like my friend, Wayne Dyer used to say, “If you
change the way you look at things, the way you look
at things will change.”
Caleb:
Tony Robbins gives an analogy in which a kid is
asked by his mom to go into the cabinet and find the
salt and pepper. Before he even goes to the cabinet
he says that he doesn’t know where they are. The
mom still prompts him to go find them. He goes to
the cabinet and opens it. He looks and says about
53
two more times that he can’t find them. A few

minutes later, the mom walks up to the cabinet and
immediately finds the salt and pepper sitting directly
in front of where the kid was looking. The reason
why he didn’t see them wasn’t because they weren’t
there; it was because he said so many times that he
couldn’t find them.
This same mentality can impact relationships.
Most of the time we go into conversations assuming
the intentions of the other person. We think and say
it so many times that we believe it to be true even if
it is false. We can go into a conversation assuming
that the other person wanted to make us mad or
assuming that someone is just out to get us. Those
thoughts can consume us to the point of changing
our perception and blocking us from really listening
to the other person.
Matt:
There are some truths that you must embrace
outside of your assumptions. You should be
thinking that your mom and dad love you, they
mean well, and they don’t mean to be malicious. If
54
you embrace these emotions, it releases you from

expressing anger and fighting.
Part of our journey in life is about us becoming
emotionally whole and forming a positive mindset.
We should at least try to see the good in every
situation. In my own journey, I felt neglected,
unwanted, and abandoned by most of my family.
What helped me get past that was that I accepted the
fact that they loved me in the best way that they
knew how to love. This is hard because in a perfect
world, our family is happy, healthy, and positive. In
the real world, you may have to deal with a father
with ego, a rebellious child, or a family member who
doesn’t know how to say they are sorry. A lot of
times the real issue is the other person. It doesn’t
make it right, but if you can accept them, it will keep
you from feeling so defeated, discouraged, and
wounded.
55
4. Ask Them to Listen
Once again, expressing emotions can bring up some

uncomfortable or hard conversations. Because of
this, it is a good idea to ask the other person if they
would be willing to focus their attention on the
conversation. It is a good idea to prepare them for
your feelings before you begin so they do not get
blindsided. For example, I may say to Caleb, “I need
you to hear me out on something. I’m going to
express something. Look, it’s probably me and I may
be misunderstanding it, but I need to discuss
something with you. Is it ok if we talk for a little
bit?”
Not only are the words and tone of voice
important, body language also plays a huge role in
the success or failure of this moment. I can use the
same words but use an elevated voice, and I would
receive a different reaction. Unfortunately, most of
us don’t prepare the other person for a sensitive talk.
56
Caleb:
This is definitely true. Most parents and kids will just
approach a sensitive talk with listing off their
feelings without proper preparation. One thing I
really respect about my dad is that when he must
correct me, he will always ask me, “Are you prepared
for me to tell you something you need to work on?”
Most of the time, I will respond with a, “yes” but
there are sometimes that I may need a couple of
minutes in order to prepare for those conversations.
Because he is willing to give me a moment of
preparation and he eases into the conversation, I feel
like I am more apt to listen to what he says. I’m also
more receptive to the change that he desires.
57
5. Thank Your Family for Opening Up
Matt:
When a family member decides to open up and
share their feelings, always respond with thanks. It
takes courage to be honest about feelings and that
action should be rewarded. Sometimes physical
touch can be incorporated as well. After Caleb
shares his feelings and I can see that he may be
overwhelmed, I express my gratitude coupled with
physical touch. I tell him, “Thanks for sharing that. I
really appreciate it.”
Many times, after a conversation that deals with
feelings, a huge response is not needed. The other
person may just need to know that they are heard,
and their feelings are valid. When you express
gratitude, it encourages that behavior to continue.
Parents, understand that depending upon the
hurt or situation, our kids may not open up in the
way that we want them to at first. Everything comes
down to respect. If you maintain respect, then the
relationship is able to remain open and strong. I
58
have to be honest, there are times when Caleb shares

things with me and they are not what I want or
expect. Despite my feelings, I still make sure to
thank him for his honesty and ability to share with
me.
Most of our family doesn’t open up because we
close them off. We cut our family members off
when they start to share. Sometimes our kids will
test us by starting to open up and based on our
response, they will determine whether or not they
are going to proceed. The goal of your family is to
share and to express gratitude for that sharing. You
must remember that timing is everything when it
comes to giving advice. Try to refrain from giving
advice while your kid is opening up. More than
likely, it is not the time for that. Just be a listening
ear and a source of support.
Caleb:
I know that when my dad shows gratitude after I’ve
shared my feelings, I feel safe to repeat that behavior
because my dad has shown his appreciation. Parents,
you must understand that if you want your kids to be
59
open, then you have to be open. If you want your

kids to share and open up, put them in a position to
do so and respond in a way that expresses gratitude.
Also, you must be open as well. Your kids will
model the behavior you display. Don’t be sarcastic
or hateful in response to the feelings they shared.
Always be proud of their courage to share.
60
6. Ask for Forgiveness
Matt:
If the feelings expressed by the other person
revealed an error or offense that you committed, you
should immediately ask for forgiveness. Don’t try to
make excuses or explain yourself. Simply apologize
and ask for forgiveness. You should say that you are
sorry that your actions have caused the other person
to feel the way they do. When you do this, then give
your sacred word that you will do everything in your
power to make sure that you don’t exhibit that same
behavior again. This saves us from resentment or
feelings of anger.
Caleb:
Own up to your mistakes and ask for forgiveness.
Doing this will set you up in the future to share your
feelings and receive forgiveness. A person who
quickly forgives will be quickly forgiven. The
opposite is true as well. If you don’t know how to
forgive, it will be difficult for others to forgive you.
It also lets the other person how much you care
61
about them. You can say, “I love you,” but it is in

those moments where love is challenged that reveals
the depth of those words.
Let me give you 5 basic principles when it comes
to giving an apology:
1. Always take full responsibility.
In other words, if you are the one that is wrong,
it is important for you to take responsibility
without justifying your behavior or actions. This
will go a long way with your family and will cause
them to respect you despite personal hurt.
2. Always look deep in your family’s eye when you
say you are sorry with a sincere expression.
I know a lot of people who say they are sorry,
but they don’t really express it with sincerity. It is
very important that your family is able to feel
from you that you are sorry.
3. Give your family physical affection
Depending upon the level of hurt, your family
might not be ready for you to touch them. That
is ok. It is the effort that is important. When
62
Caleb was smaller, I would get on his level, make

eye contact, touch his arms and tell him how
sorry I was for my actions.
4. Express specifically what you are sorry for.
Don’t just say the words, “I’m sorry.” I’ve heard
people say, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” That is
not an apology. You need to be specific about
what you are apologizing for. You may need to
say, “Dad, I’m sorry that I lied to you about my
homework. I was 100% wrong.”
5. Be patient with their reaction.
You have to understand, that based upon the
hurt that your family harbors, it might take them
some time to process and react to your apology.
You have to give them that space to process. Be
patient. The words are the beginning of the
apology. The real apology comes with your
actions, which show your family if you are really
sorry.
63
Exercise:
I know that we did an exercise earlier in which we let
go of some things that we had been harboring
towards our family. In this exercise I want you to ask
for forgiveness if it is needed. If you know that you
have hurt your family, set aside your ego and excuses
and ask for forgiveness. After this exercise, I want
everyone to stand up and hug one another and tell
each other that as a family, you all are going to be all
right.
64
7. Work on How You Express:
Matt:
This is probably one of the most important out of
the 6 others we discussed because this one requires
you to put what you learned into action. Because
expressing feelings can be difficult, most of the
times we avoid it or keep making the same mistakes.
Now that you have learned specific tools, it is time
to continuously put these into practice. You must
now invite those uncomfortable conversations and
feelings. It may not work perfectly the first time you
practice, but I guarantee that the more you do it, the
better you will become at expressing and listening to
feelings.
Caleb:
My dad and I practice communicating all the time.
Our practice allows us to be more effective for when
real conflict or issues arise. You can even do
imaginary scenarios and discuss them together as a
family. For instance, let’s say that I’m a parent and
I’m talking to my son, Joey. I may say, “Listen, Joey
65
this may just be me and not true, but it seems like

when I give you instructions to do something, you
do not show respect in response.” Instead of making
assumptions or making my perceptions truth, I allow
Joey to either correct my observations or agree with
them. Using this method keeps the conversation
going instead of shutting it down through anger or
combative responses.
Matt:
The goal is to never attack or get mad. You should
get over your disagreements in minutes. The type of
family we want to become is one in which there is an
environment of honesty along with harmony. The
two can coexist, but it takes work, effort, and
practice.
Exercise:
In your journal I would like you to keep track of
your experiences with sharing feelings with one
another. Over the next week, I want you to try to
have more conversations in which you express your
feelings. Each member of the family needs to have
66
at least one of these conversations. Make a note of

the results in your journal during your family talk at
the end of the week. Discuss what went well and
what you still need to work on. Then have a general
discussion about the benefits of the exercise on the
family.
67
7 Things to Never Say When
Communicating
1. “You Never” or “You Always”
Matt:
Let’s jump right into an example. Instead of telling
your kid, “You never pick up your shoes when I ask
you to,” try communicating it in a way that doesn’t
use such a definitive word like “never.” You might
say, “Hey, as you know, I expect you to pick your
shoes up and you didn’t do like I asked you to.” This
way is a little better than simply slamming a label on
them.
Remember, the real secret to breaking through all
of this is to give permission to others to respectfully
call you out with the right tone of voice. In fact, I
want Caleb to point out when I use the words,
“never” or “always.”
Here are some examples of “always” or “never”
phrases:
Caleb, you always disrespect me.
69
Dad, you are always negative.

Dad, you always leave the towel on the bathroom
floor.
Caleb, you never listen to me.
Caleb:
The same is true for the word, “always.” Don’t say
things like, “you always get bad grades,” “you always
disrespect me, or “you always get in trouble.” Here’s
the thing. Everyone in the relationship should feel
like they have some power. Whenever you use terms
like always and never, you take away the other
person’s power. Instead of saying something like,
“You always get bad grades,” try saying something
like, “I’ve noticed that you seem to be struggling in
school. I’ve seen you focus and apply yourself in
other areas of your life with great success. What can
we do to help you improve upon this?”
This is good for parents to use with kids because
it maintains the power for both parties. Also, this
language keeps both sides away from being
defensive towards one another. Even when you give
70
7 Things to Never Say When Communicating
correction, you can keep a calm tone and positive

wording so that progress can be made in the
relationship.
Exercise:
We are going to practice changing our always and
never statements into something more positive. I
want each of you to write down 2 always or never
statements that you have said before and 2 always or
never statements someone else has told you. Once
you are done, share the first 2 statements with your
family and as a group, try to change the statements
into a more positive way to express emotion.
I’m going to give you a negative statement first
as an example. “Dad, you never tell me that I do a
good job.” Instead of saying this, change it to
something more helpful such as, “Dad, I know that
you love and believe in me, but it feels like that you
rarely tell me that I do a good job. Simply changing
never to rarely and adding in the words, “feels like”
creates a more engaging dialogue as opposed to the
stronger words, which serve as more of an attack or
accusation.
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2. You are . . . [Negative]
Caleb
You can fill in this sentence with any kind of label
that you want, but the results are the same. If you
say, “you are ugly,” “you are lazy,” “you are fat,”
“you are bad,” “you are misbehaved,” etc., it will
create a defensive environment. Also, it will become
a self-fulfilling prophecy for the person you are
labeling. The labels that you give your kids, if
repeated consistently, have the ability to define their
actions and future. Your words are powerful, so use
them wisely. Don’t use them to attack. You can
always tell the tone of a relationship by the words
that follow up the phrase, “You are.” Make sure
your words are uplifting and positive.
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3. Can’t
Caleb:
My dad always taught me that the word, “can’t” is a
cuss word in our household. Bill Gates, who is
worth 86 billion dollars, attributes his success to
many things, but one thing that he said transformed
his life was when he bought a dictionary. He passed
through the A and B section and came to the C’s.
He found the word can’t, took scissors, cut it out,
and threw it away. The reason that he did this was to
remind him that “can’t” shouldn’t be in his
vocabulary. He literally had to take it out of the
dictionary. Every successful person has done
something that other people said they couldn’t do.
Matt:
As families, we need to be each other’s biggest
cheerleaders and encouragers. Let the whole world,
our teachers, or friends tell us that we can’t do it, but
as families we should hold each other’s dreams
sacred. We should be the ones telling our families on
73
a consistent basis that they can do whatever they set

their mind to do.
4. “I told you so”
Matt:
This phrase can be a very defeating and discouraging
thing to hear from somebody you love and trust.
Many times, this phrase can follow a disappointment
or embarrassing mistake. The last thing a person
who is facing those emotions needs is a sarcastic,
prideful remark that only brings greater shame. Be
mindful of people’s emotions and react in a way that
preserves their pride. Don’t beat down someone
who may already be on the ground.
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5. Don’t say Extreme Things
Caleb:
Anger or other intense emotions can bring out
wording that can be extreme. For example, avoid
phrases such as, “I hate you,” “I’ll never trust you
again,” “I’m leaving you,” or “I’m not going to talk
to you anymore.” Be careful speaking to these
extremes because once you say them, you can never
take it back.
Matt:
I remember hearing a story about a father/daughter
interaction in which the father told the daughter that
she was fat. This goes back to the, “you are”
principle, but it is also extreme because this
statement crushed the little girl. This statement may
seem harmless, but it caused irreversible emotional
damage that lasted most of her life because of the
love and respect she had for her dad. Some of us
parents don’t realize that in our frustration we can
say some extreme things that will impact our
children for years to come.
75
I Don’t Want to Talk About It
Matt:
We want to be families that communicate our
feelings and talk things out. We don’t want to be the
ones that pull away, hold grudges, get quiet, and shut
down. If you want to be a healthy family, you have
to talk about serious or hurtful things. So, if your
parent comes in the room and says, “Hey, I want to
talk to you. How are you feeling?” Don’t say, “I
don’t want to talk about it.” This goes for every
family relationship. This response can kill
communication, and it can be hurtful.
It is ok to say that you don’t want to talk about it
right now. Some people need time to process their
feelings before they share, but it is not acceptable to
completely avoid the conversation. Perhaps give the
person a time frame. You may say that you don’t
want to talk about it right now, but you will be able
to talk about it in the morning.
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6. We Can’t Afford That
Caleb
I see families do this all the time, and I think it is so
damaging. Even if you are at the place where you
really can’t afford something, never say it out of your
mouth. Perhaps you can say, “Right now, we are not
in the best position to get that, but in the future, we
are going to be able to purchase it. Aren’t you
excited?” That’s what me and my dad did. We had
$7 in our bank account and we were sleeping on the
floor of a Sunday school classroom and we still
wouldn’t say that we couldn’t afford something. The
reason for this is that it is a self-limiting belief. It
damages the way you view and deal with money, and
it also places unnecessary fear toward money in your
kids. This can be seen in the way that kids repeat
that phrase even at a young age.
Matt:
We want you to have a good energy towards wealth
and finance, so phrases such as these are to be
avoided. It’s better to say, “We don’t have the
77
money for it right now, but we will soon.” This

phrase becomes more empowering and speaks
positive energy into your future.
Parents, make sure that your attitude is focused
on abundance. Even if you don’t know how you are
going to pay the light bill, it is still all about your
attitude and energy. I know what it’s like to be under
such financial strain that you feel like you can’t
breathe. The one thing that pulled me out was I
always kept an abundant mindset. Remember, you
don’t feel your way into acting; you act your way into
feeling. I didn’t always feel abundant, but I acted
abundant. It is so important. That’s why I got
around people that were wealthy and walked around
neighborhoods with nice houses. Be aware of the
money energy that you are passing on to your kids.
We will go into more depth about this in one of our
upcoming books, but this is just a little taste on the
importance of financial abundance.
Exercise:
Now that we have gone over the 7 things to never
say, we want you to write down the phrases that you
78
say or have said in the past. Go over the ones that

you say on a consistent basis and begin to come up
with a strategy as a family so that you don’t continue
using these phrases that can negatively impact
communication and relationships. Also, evaluate
each other using this list. This is not mean to point
fingers or accuse; rather, it is a way to reveal your
words and behaviors from another perspective.
79
5 Attitudes That Destroy
Communication
Matt:
Attitude is so vital because it has a huge impact on
our family and the atmosphere in our home. Even
more than that, it determines the quality of
communication we have with one another. If our
attitude is poor, then it is safe to say that your
communication will be poor as well. When you are
in a good mood and positive, you will be a more
effective communicator.
81
1. Negative Attitude
Caleb:
I’m sure that we all know that having a negative
attitude will have a destructive impact on the quality
of our conversation and our relationships. Someone
with a negative attitude is usually spending most of
their time dwelling on damaging emotions and
thoughts. As a result, most of their conversation will
be connected to those negative emotions. With that
being stated, conversations with people who have
negative attitudes can be very draining because there
will always be a negative tone to everything they say.
One thing that my dad and I always try to do is
to maintain a positive attitude. Even in situations
that can be negative, we attempt to find a positive
aspect to dwell upon. One time we were driving on
the highway and our car broke down. As we sat on
the side of the road, we made a game out of it and
ended up laughing while we were stranded.
82
5 Attitudes That Destroy Communication
Matt:
Our negative attitudes can even change the way we
view our families. You must always assume the best
of your family members but having a negative
attitude can cause you to perceive the intentions of
your family in the wrong way. Parents, you have to
believe that your kids love you and want the best for
you. Kids, you must assume the same about your
parents.
83
2. Defensive Attitude
Caleb:
Defensive people are born out of defensive
environments. In some homes, the parents may try
to correct the kids and they are met with an
automatic defensive response. At the same time, kids
can try to talk openly with the parents and
everything they say is met with a defensive attitude.
In both of these cases, the defensive parties can’t
just accept that maybe they are wrong. A consistent
defensive attitude means that you are unwilling to
hear and accept honesty. If you want good, honest
communication, you can’t be defensive.
Matt:
I believe that most people are defensive because of
the lifestyle of stress and tension that they lead.
Defensiveness also comes from taking everything
too personally. Guys, it is so important to live a
stress free lifestyle. Be approachable and have an
open mind with a body language that is welcoming.
It is impossible to have healthy family relationships
84
if you maintain a defensive attitude. Conversations

can be strained if you maintain a defensive stance.
This may make others shy away from conversations
with you as well.
One thing that we have found useful in
minimizing a defensive attitude is to seek to listen
first before responding. Slow down while the other
person is speaking and really take the time to listen.
Then, don’t just seek to be understood, seek to
understand first. This will help if you find yourself
always having a defensive attitude.
85
3. Harsh Attitude
Matt:
Harsh attitudes destroy the intimacy, openness, and
safety of the family. Speaking harsh words and
always talking down to each other can damage the
relationships within the family. Siblings should take
special note of this because it is in these
relationships that harsh attitudes can be found the
most. Brothers and sisters have to be careful about
the things they say to one another. Even if you are
young, you should not create a habit of maintaining
a harsh attitude towards your siblings.
Caleb:
When necessary, be firm but do not be harsh. Take
away the harsh words and reactions. You can speak
the truth, but it is possible to do it in love.
86
4. Critical Attitude
Matt:
The more you love yourself, the less critical you will
be of others. A critical attitude causes you to look at
life through a narrow lens, which magnifies the
negative details and minimizes what is positive. If I
became a critical person, I would only notice the
negative aspects of Caleb’s life while neglecting the
positives that he is displaying. As a dad, I have had
to make sure I didn’t have this attitude. It can be
frustrating to see the wrongs that your kids do, but if
all you focus on is the wrongs, you miss the 25 rights
that were present at the same time.
The less critical you are of each other’s weakness
and personalities, the more you will appreciate one
another and build healthier relationships.
Caleb:
My dad always tells me that when you point out one
thing wrong about somebody, you need to follow it
with 10 things that are loving, encouraging, and
87
uplifting. Also, when you are pointing out something

wrong, make sure that you are focusing on the
problem and not the person. Doing this allows the
person to see the feedback as a point of growth and
not an opportunity for you to tear them down. Be
somebody that is positive and points out the good
before they focus on the bad.
88
5. Arrogant Attitude
Matt:
Communication grows when you are readily able to
admit when you are wrong and not have to give a
lengthy explanation about why you believe that you
were right. Be willing to both admit and accept when
you are wrong. I know people who are willing to
admit when they are wrong, but they have a hard
time accepting it. There is a difference between the
two and you need to do both in order to be an
effective communicator.
Caleb:
If you want good communication, you must be
willing to be humble about your errors. Don’t be
afraid of being wrong. It is inevitable. When you
embrace your humanity and get rid of the arrogance,
it becomes easier to quickly admit and accept when
you are wrong. This is something I really love about
my dad. If he says something that he felt was wrong,
he will come back soon after and apologize for it.
89
Looking at these 5 attitudes, we want you all to

have the opposite of these attitudes. We want you to
go from negative to positive; defensive to open;
harsh to loving; critical to encouraging; and arrogant
to humble.
Exercise:
We want you guys to talk as a family about these 5
attitudes and write down the one that you need to
work on the most. Share the results with your family.
After each person shares, we want everyone in the
family to thank that person for sharing and tell them
that you are proud of them for revealing something
so personal. Encourage them in their journey
towards improving this attitude. See yourself as a
family that no longer displays any of these attitudes.
Write out in your journal what your family will look
like with the opposite of these 5 attitudes in action.
90
Conclusion:
First and foremost, we are so proud of you guys for

finishing this book. We are so confident that if you
commit to doing the work and following the
principles of communication that we shared with
you, your family will enjoy more peace and will have
closer relationships than you ever have before. Don’t
forget that sometimes we have to deal with the root
rather than the fruit. At the root of broken
communication is emotionally unhealthy, insecure
individuals.
In order to become a better communicator, you
do have to display a level of emotional health
through fairness, commitment, love, forgiveness,
kindness, humility, and unselfishness.
Improving communication requires a level of
selflessness so you can seek to understand the hearts
and minds of your other family members. Never
disregard another family member’s feelings and
opinions. In fact, celebrate different opinions and
learn to use words like, “I can see that,” “I
understand why you feel that way,” and “I don’t
91
agree; however, I can see why you feel that way.”

What a difference that would make in our
communication!
When we are willing to listen, learn, and ask
questions we are then able to see differing
perspectives. When you do this, you will
breakthrough as an individual and as a family.
If the information in this book impacted you, I
want to encourage you to share this with someone
else. You may even do a Facebook live to present
this valuable information to a larger scale audience.
Thank you so much. Remember, for you to truly
have a breakthrough in what we are training you to
do, you must do these 3 things.
1. Read this book and listen to the accompanying
videos 3-10 times. It is all about immersion.
2. Share and teach what you are learning with
others. You can do this through video, writing an
article, or informal conversations with others.
92
Conclusion:
3. Always do the work. When we tell you to

discuss, do exercises, or give you tips, do them,
so you can see the benefits.
We love you guys and we believe in you!
93

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The Secrets to Successful

Improving communication does not happen over

modeling. My dad was and still is always teaching me

maintain respect, and one of the greatest ways that

screaming. The good news is this. You are going to

1. Have Quality Conversations Everyday

midst of all of this, we make sure to have at least 30

morning where we lay out the events of our day and

phone would already be on silent and put away.

2. Ask Questions and Listen

questions being asked or even an attempt at

through communication. This is why it is so

10. This game would give us really good

we knew about each other. From a kid’s perspective,

process for talking and listening. I know that many

that. Parents, I really want you to slow down and

3. Have Positive Body Language

talk to the parent, but the parent is not engaged in

aspects of communication. Caleb and I started doing

through focused eye contact. Sure, we mess up with

saying. Because of this, practice really caring about

4. Choose the Right Time to Have Serious

Let’s say that Caleb has something serious to talk to

Parents, I really want you to make it a priority to

should not be saved for hard conversations. This

by your parents in front of your friends. It’s an awful

The way to get better with this is to talk about it

5. Repeat Back What They Said

and organize your shoes. I don’t like when you just

emotion and only respond to their words. Making it

6. Don’t EVER Bring Up Past Mistakes

husband’s past mistake. In his defense, the husband

opposed to resenting them. Practice being merciful

7. Be Clear When You Communicate

and take the time to assess the listener’s

I always tell Caleb that the goal is more

will try to attack back because survival is what we all

2. Don’t Raise Your Voice

people take some time to take 10 breaths. The key is

with a soft answer. It has a way of turning around

3. Assume the Best

go. This turns us into a victim where we believe that

two more times that he can’t find them. A few

you embrace these emotions, it releases you from

4. Ask Them to Listen

Once again, expressing emotions can bring up some

5. Thank Your Family for Opening Up

have to be honest, there are times when Caleb shares

open, then you have to be open. If you want your

6. Ask for Forgiveness

about them. You can say, “I love you,” but it is in

Caleb was smaller, I would get on his level, make

7. Work on How You Express:

this may just be me and not true, but it seems like

at least one of these conversations. Make a note of

1. “You Never” or “You Always”

Dad, you are always negative.

correction, you can keep a calm tone and positive

2. You are . . . [Negative]

a consistent basis that they can do whatever they set

5. Don’t say Extreme Things

I Don’t Want to Talk About It

6. We Can’t Afford That