The Easterner 1

The Easterner
By D.Chapelle

The lights come up on a saloon in a New York City saloon well past the wee hours of the
morning. The year is 1925.

Characters & Costumes:

Harold Hankerin – A hero of sorts.

Mildred (Millie) Merrily – A damsel in distress.*1

New York Waitress – A very tired and cranky server up way past her bedtime.*1

Mooselips Tompkins – A vile Villain.*2

New York Barkeep – Off stage voice.*2

Minette Hankerin – Harold’s poor mother.*3

Aunt Nanette Flummox (Carmelita) – Harold’s unlucky Aunt.*3

Belle Belcher – Saloon Girl of the old west variety.*4

Buffy – Harold’s freshly ex-girlfriend.*4

 The Easterner 2

The Easterner
ACT I
(The lights come up on a speakeasy in New York City in the very early hours of the morning.
Bouncy ragtime music is heard and Harold Hankerin is taking full advantage of it by dancing
alone in a wild and carefree manner. Seated at their table is Harold’s exhausted date Buffy.
Buffy, who would rather be on her way home, is already in her coat and hat and, in an exhausted
state, waits at the table. Their waitress enters.)

WAITRESS: Come on, pal, ya don’t have to go home but ya can’t stay here!

HAROLD: One more dance!

BARTENDER: (off-stage) Ya got a hot New York minute to get out or get the boot.

HAROLD: (Laughing.) Some people just don’t know how to have a good time! (The Waitress
has come up behind Harold and taps him on the shoulder. Her turns, grabs Waitress and starts
dancing with her.)

WAITRESS: Hey!

HAROLD: (Harold stops dancing and takes a close look at his dancing partner.) You’re not
Buffy.

BUFFY: Nothing gets past you, does it, Harold.

WAITRESS: Come on, fella, it’s closing time.

HAROLD: Hold on little lady, the night is still young.

BARTENDER: (off-stage) Pal, you walk out or I throw you out. Your choice! Cut the music,
Stevie. (The music stops.)

HAROLD: Hey, I was dancing to that!

BUFFY: Now can we leave? Please? Pretty, pretty, pretty please.

WAITRESS: If you’re still here when we get back, well, that’s your problem. (Waitress stomps
away.)

HAROLD: Buffster! Come on, kid, one more dance for the road.

(Harold moves to Buffy but she back away.)

BUFFY: No, Harold, it’s almost four in the morning. I’m tired and I wanna go home.
 The Easterner 3

HAROLD: Hey, I love that song! (Starts singing and dancing. He’s doing both by himself.)
Show me the way to go home. I’m tired and I wanna …

BUFFY: That’s it, Hal, I’m goin’ home. (She stands and stomps to the door but is cut off my
Mrs. Hankerin entering. Harold continues to dance with his back to the door and doesn’t see his
mother enter.) Oh. Hello, Mrs. Hankerin.

MRS. HANKERIN: Are you and my son having fun?

BUFFY: Yeah, well, sort of. At least we were.

MRS. HANKERIN: I thought you and my son were going to attend an up-lifting lecture at the
Y.M.C.A.?

BUFFY: Really? That … that’s what he told you?

MRS. HANKERIN: Yes, well, my son tells me a great many things. I’m beginning to understand
that not all of them are truthful.

BUFFY: Mrs. Hankerin, I wanted to go home a long time ago, honest, but he wouldn’t leave.

MRS. HANKERIN: Yes, I am well aware of my son’s shenanigans and hijinks.

BUFFY: When he’s done dancing, tell him for me that I never want to see him again. He’s
makin’ an old woman outta me. (Gasps as she realizes the older woman may take offense.) I’m
sorry, ma’am, I didn’t mean …

MRS. HANKERIN: No offense taken, dear.

BUFFY: I really should be getting home, ma’am.

MRS. HANKERIN: Have a seat, dear. I’ll have a word with my son and we’ll drop you off on
our way home.

BUFFY: (Sitting.) Thank you, Mrs. Hankerin. (A thought occurs to her.) Oh, and when you have
that word with him … make ‘em really good ones. Know what I mean?

MRS. HANKERIN: I believe I do, dear. (She turns toward her son.)

BUFFY: Mrs. Hankerin, if you run out of words I got a few you could use.

MRS. HANKERIN: Thank you, dear, but I’ll be just fine. (She walks behind her son and taps
him on the shoulder.)

HAROLD: I knew you couldn’t refuse me. (Eyes still closed he turns and takes his mother in his
arms and continues to dance.) You know this would be more fun if you was dancing too, baby.
 The Easterner 4

MRS. HANKERIN: I am most certainly not your baby!

(He yelps and jumps back. Buffy sits with her chin on her knuckles following the action as if it
were a tennis match.)

HAROLD: Mother … Mother, where did you come from?

MRS. HANKERIN: (In a stern tone.) I came from home, dear. You do still remember where
home is, don’t you?

HAROLD: I meant what are you doing here?

MRS. HANKERIN: Dying of shame and thanking my lucky stars that your father isn’t here to
see … see this! (Calm at last.) And how are you?

HAROLD: I’ve been better. You scared the daylights out of me, Mother! Did you have to sneak
up on me like that?

MRS. HANKERIN: I’ve been trying to speak to you for days now, Harold.

BUFFY: We were just talkin’ about this. I told him he never listens to anybody about nothin’.

MRS. HANKERIN: Well, young man, what do you have to say for yourself?

HAROLD: I’ve been busy! I’ve got a lot on my mind.

MRS. HANKERIN: About what, dear? I for one would like to know what goes through your
head besides carousing and running wild in the streets.

(Harold begins to answer, realizes it’s the wrong answer, and becomes silent; lost in thought.)

BUFFY: Well, Harold, what’s the answer? Is there an answer, Harold? We’d all like to know.

HAROLD: Oh, that. Well, that … that is … well … I’m sorry, what was the question again?

MRS. HANKERIN: Ohhhh, Harold!

BUFFY: (Pointing at Harold.) There! Carousing and running wild is all he ever thinks about!

HAROLD: Mother, carousing and running wild at my level takes a good deal of planning and
preparation!

MRS. HANKERIN: I’ve … I’ve come to the end of my wits, Harold

HAROLD: Oh, chin up ol’ kid, one of these days I’ll settle down and do the ol’ banker’s hours
grind. For right now, for the moment, I’m young and footloose and fancy free.

BUFFY: (Springing from her chair.) Buddy, you are about to be a lot freer and more footloose.
Mrs. Hankerin, do you mind if I wait in the car with your driver?
 The Easterner 5

MRS. HANKERIN: Quite alright, dear. Would you ask Mr. Jennings and Mr. Hodges to join us?

BUFFY: Yes, ma’am. (She starts for the door but stops before she exits. Buffy turns back.) Mrs.
Hankerin, thank you. You … well, you’re aces. (Buffy hugs Mrs. H and exits.)

MRS. HANKERIN: (Sincerely touched.) Oh, what a darling young lady. (Sweetness comes to an
end.) Now, about you …

HAROLD: Mother, what are Jennings and Hodges doing here? Jennings, I can understand; he’s
your chauffeur, but what’s the gardener doing here?

MRS. HANKERIN: They are here to help you to the car and to be sure you remain in the car on
our way to the train station.

HAROLD: Really? Mother, one would ask what we are going the train station.

MRS: HANKERIN: I’ve arranged for you to visit your aunt.

HAROLD: Really? This is exciting news, Mother. It’s time I moved onto greener pastures.

MRS. HANKERIN: I’m happy to hear you say that, Harold.

HAROLD: Perfect timing, really. After tonight I am no longer welcome in any saloon or dance
hall in New York City?

MRS. HANKERIN: Oh, Harold, that … that can’t be possible. There must be hundreds …
thousands of saloons and dance halls in the five boroughs.

HAROLD: Well, four boroughs. I’ve made it a personal policy to steer clear of Stanton Island.

MRS. HANKERIN: Still, how can you possibly have been banned from so many …
establishments?

HAROLD: Well, it’s not just for carousing.

MRS. HANKERIN: Really?

HAROLD: Some of them kicked me out for card playing.

MRS. HANKERIN: Oh, dear, how much have you lost?

HAROLD: No. (Laughing.) You misunderstand, Mother. They’ve banned me in those places
because I’m really quite good with a deck of cards.

MRS. HANKERIN: So, you’ve been thrown out of New York City for carousing and gambling?

HAROLD: But, now that doesn’t matter! After tonight I’m Chicago bound and there I’m bound
to be a big success and make you and Auntie Minette proud. (He starts for the door.)
 The Easterner 6

MRS. HANKERIN: But you aren’t going to Chicago, Harold.

(Harold, hearing those words, freezes, takes a moment, and walks back to his mother.)

HAROLD: Come again?

MRS. HANKERIN: If you’ll remember, Harold, you have two aunties.

HAROLD: (The horror of what is about to happen has struck him.) Wait! No … no … no,
Nanette! You can’t mean Aunt Nanette!

MRS. HANKERIN: (Coldly.) I most certainly do.

HAROLD: But she lives in East Sheep Dip, Nebraska!

MRS. HANKERIN: It’s actually called Long Horn Pass and I hear it is a fine little town. (Mrs.
Hankering walks toward the door.)

HAROLD: But it’s at least one hundred miles west of the middle of nowhere! You can’t be
serious, Mother.

MRS. HANKERIN: I am very serious, Harold.

HAROLD: But well, I can’t leave tonight. I … I’d have to go home and pack.

MRS. HANKERIN: I took the liberty of packing for you. Your aunt Nanette has fallen on some
hard times since her husband passed. You’re going to help her get back on her feet again.

HAROLD: Does she need help planning parties? I’m quite good at planning parties.

MRS. HANKERIN: No, dear, this would involve ranch work. Hard work. Sweaty work. Sunrise
to sunset work. For the first time in your life you are going to learn what it is like to put in an
honest day’s work. Think of this as a character building exercise.

HAROLD: I’d rather think of it as an empty threat.

MRS. HANKERIN: Chin up! This will be good for you. (She pulls a envelope from her purse.)
When you get there please give this to her and give her my love. (Mrs. Hankerin hands him the
envelope, which he stares at.) I’ll tell Jennings you’re ready.

HAROLD: Really? (He starts backing away.) Yes … well … What about Hodges?

MRS. HANKERIN: Hodges is waiting for you at the back door, dear.

HAROLD: Mother! I would never sneak out!

MRS. HANKERIN: (Exiting.) And you best not start now. Mr. Hodges has never liked you.
Don’t take too long dear.
 The Easterner 7

(Mrs. Hankerin exits and leaves Harold alone, in shock, holding his suitcase. As he speaks the
lights slowly dim leaving him alone in a pool of light. Belle and Millie enter to redress the urban
speakeasy into a western saloon. As they work the lights slowly come up to full to reveal the old
west saloon. Millie exits and Belle takes her position, leaning against the bar. When the lights
are at full honky-tonk saloon music is heard on the piano.)

HAROLD: Hold on? (Harold laughs.) Mother must be joking. She’d never … It’s got to be a
joke. (Harold laughs again.) Ahhhh, that mother of mine! She is such a kidder. (He stops
laughing and looks very worried.) On the other hand, for her to be joking she’d have to have a
sense of humor and she doesn’t have a sense of humor. This is a nightmare! She’s sending me to
Nebraska? Nobody deserves to be sent to … Nebraska. Even people in Nebraska don’t deserve to
be stuck in Nebraska! No! It’s too cruel. Okay, Harold Horace Hankerin, get a grip on yourself!
(The lights slowly come up around Harold.) Make Mother listen to reason. Plead for mercy. I
shall stand up to my mother and … and … (He looks around at his surroundings.) Wait a
minute. Where am I?

BRANDI: You’re in Long Horn Pass, Nebraska, partner.

HAROLD: That can’t be possible. I can’t possibly be stuck in Long Horn Pass, Nebraska.

BRANDI: You know that’s what I keep tellin’ myself. So, what brings you here from New York
City?

HAROLD: How did you know I’m from New York?

BRANDI: Because you smell like New York City and … (She takes in a deep breath of Harold.)
… and you smell really … (Another deep breath.) … really good. My name is Brandi, by the
way.

HAROLD: Well, thank you, Brandi? I think?

BRANDI: You smell … (Another deep breath.) … so nice.

HAROLD: Oh, I’m Harold by the way.

BRANDI: It’s good to meet you, Harold. (She shakes his hand and pulls him closer for another
sniff of his civilized aroma.) Boy, you smell nice.

HAROLD: It’s very nice to meet you, Brandi. I … I think you smell … You smell … interesting.

BRANDI: Oh, it’s channel number five.

HAROLD: Don’t you mean, Chanel #5?

BRANDI: Nope, see chanel five is the sewer trench behind the saloon. That’s where I empty the
spittoons. (She has an idea.) You wanna see it, Harold? It’s real pretty in the moonlight.
 The Easterner 8

HAROLD: (He pulls his hand back politely and wipes it on his coat.) Really? Oh! Ohhh, now I
know what’s going on! (Laughing.) I’m not really here.

BRANDI: No, it kinda looks like ya are.

HAROLD: You’re a figment of my imagination. This is all just a horrible nightmare. Any
minute now I’m going to wake and … (Brandi reaches over and pinches him. He howls in pain
and jumps away from her.) Yee-ow! You pinched me! Why did you pinch me?

BRANDI: Well, now you know you’re not sleeping.

HAROLD: I can’t stay here. I’ve got to get out of here.

BRANDI: I’ve been telling myself the same thing for ages.

MOOSELIPS: (Bursting into the room.) Howdy, varmints. Mooselips Tompkins is the name and
manglin’ is my game (Mooselips swaggers to the bar.)

BRANDI: Yikes! Maybe you should have a seat, stranger.

HAROLD: Who is that?

MOOSELIPS: Where’s that varmint, bartender?

BRANDI: Just have a seat, keep your mouth shut, and don’t make eye contact.

MOOSELIPS: I’m a powerful hombre and I got me a powerful thirst!

BRANDI: Hey, boss man. (Doing her best to shield Harold from Mooselips.) I’m sure he’ll be
here in …

MOOSELIPS: Never mind! (He goes behind the bar and pours himself a drink.) Since this here
is my saloon I’ll do it myself.

HAROLD: So, who, or what, is a Mooselips?

(Brandi shushes Harold and drags him to a quiet corner of the saloon.)

BRANDI: Shush! Mooselips Tompkins is the varmint who owns this here saloon. Truth be
known he owns half of this here town and the other half owes him money.

MOOSELIPS: Brandi!

BRANDI: (She turns and uses her body to shield Harold.) Yes, Mooselips?

MOOSELIPS: Where is ever’body? Where’s the barkeep?

BRANDI: Well … he’s in the back room restin’.

 The Easterner 9

MOOSELIPS: I ain’t payin’ him to rest! (He starts for the backroom.) And if’n that Millie gal
comes here before I get done with that bartender you come get me. Got it?

BRANDI: I got it.

MOOSELIPS: Good! Oops. (Takes a shovel from under the bar.) I might be needin’ this.
(Mooselips heads to the backroom.)

HAROLD: What’s he going to do with the shovel?

BRANDI: We probably don’t want to know.

HAROLD: So, what happened to the bartender?

BRANDI: The bartender is … well, he got beat up last night.

HAROLD: Mooselips beat up his own bartender?

BRANDI: Naw, it was the schoolteacher.

HAROLD: The schoolteacher!?

BRANDI: Yeah, yeah, she was having a rough day.

HAROLD: The school teacher is a girl? And she beat up the bartender?

BRANDI: If’n she hears you callin’ her a girl you’ll be next. She prefers to be called a woman.

HAROLD: Why did the schoolmarm beat up the bartender?

BRANDI: Yeah, she asked for a half full glass of water and the bartender gave her a half empty
glass.

HAROLD: This is a really rough town.

BRANDI: You got no idea.

HAROLD: So, Mooselips character? Why do you call him … Mooselips?

BRANDI: Yeah, well, folks started callin’ him Moosebreath, on account of his breath smellin’
like a wet Moose. He starting beatin’ folks senseless whenever they called him Moosebreath and
it got changed to Mooselips. (She sighs.) Boy, you sure are a good listener.

HAROLD: Yeah, well, you haven’t really given me much of a chance to do anything else.

BRANDI: Hey, why don’t you pull up a chair, rest a bit and then have a talk with our fortune
teller, Carmelita. She should be in any time now.

HAROLD: You have a fortune teller?

 The Easterner 10

BRANDI: Yep. Mooselips thought a fortune teller would class the place up. (She looks around
the room.) He was wrong.

HAROLD: Sorry, I don’t believe in fortune tellers.

BRANDI: Don’t worry, she don’t believe in fortune tellers either.

HAROLD: Then why … I’ve got to get out of here.

(Millie enters.)

BRANDI: That’s what I’ve been telling myself for a ... (Distracted by the appearance of Millie.)
Oh, great.

MILLIE: (Calling speaking to someone in the street.) Pa, you just wait right there I won’t be a
minute.

BRANDI: Have a seat stranger. I’ll be right back. (She pushes Harold into a chair and crosses
to Millie at the door.)

HAROLD: (He sees Millie at the door.) Holy moly! That … that must be the most beautiful girl
in the world. Golly!

MILLIE: (To Brandi.) Miss, I’d like to see Mr. Tompkins, please.

BRANDI: Listen, little gal, ain’t nobody that’s ever met him wants to see him.

MILLIE: Never-the-less, I have business to discuss with Mr. Tompkins.

BRANDI: Sorry, I don’t think that’s going to be possible. He ain’t really what you’d call a
morning person.

MILLIE: But it’s after noon.

BRANDI: Not to him.

MILLIE: Miss, I consider this a matter of life and death.

BRANDI: There’s worse things can happen in these parts than death. Tell you what, our fortune
teller should be here any minute now. Why don’t you sit a spell and have a nice talk with her?

MILLIE: A fortune teller? (She laughs.) I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to laugh. I just believe in
fortune tellers.

BRANDI: Ah, I knew you were going to say that! See, it’s possible. Now, if you ain’t gonna
leave then why don’t you sit down and stay out of the way.

MILLIE: I’d better get Pa out of the sun first. (She starts for the door and Brandi is relieved.) If
you see him tell Mr. Tompkins I’ll be right back. (Millie exits.)
 The Easterner 11

BRANDI: Well, that bought her a little time. Now then, where was I? Oh, Harold! (To Harold.)
So, what brings you to … (Harold is still transfixed by Millie.) Harold? (When Harold doesn’t
answer Brandi starts snapping her fingers in front of Harold’s face.) Hey! You still with me,
pilgrim?

HAROLD: (Startles.) I’m sorry, was I talking, or were you?

(Carmelita enters looking every bit the gypsy fortune teller. She looks around the room and sees
Harold, with his back to her, speaking to Brandi. Carmelita, as it turns out, is actually Harold’s
aunt, Nanette.)

BRANDI: At this point it don’t much matter. So, what brings you out to Long Horn Pass? Most
folks don’t come to this town unless they got a good reason.

NANETTE: (Tapping Harold on the shoulder. She speaks to him with a big gypsy accent.)
Hello! I am Carmelita. Vould you like your fortune told, stranger? The cards know all. The cards
see all.

HAROLD: (Half turns but doesn’t really see Carmelita.) Can the cards see how I can get out of
here?

NANETTE: (She holds a deck of cards to her ear.) If they know they do not say.

HAROLD: Thank you. You’ve been a big help.

NANETTE: I do vhat I can.

BRANDI: Nan, why don’t you go over and get set up before Mooselips gets back. He’s in sort of
a mood today.

NANETTE: Ha, he is always in a mood. Vhere is he? I smell him, but I do not see him.

BRANDI: He went in back to talk to Petey.

NANETTE: How is our bartender this morning?

BRANDI: Mooselips took the shovel.

NANETTE: Ohhh, this is bad. If you need me I vill be in corner with cards. (She goes to a
corner table and begins to lay out cards.)

HAROLD: Does she really think she’s going to see the future in that deck of cards?

BRANDI: Naw, she’s gonna play solitaire. If you live in this town you ain’t got a future so there
ain’t much to see.

NANETTE: You vish your fortune told?

HAROLD: No, no thank you. But thank you for asking.

 The Easterner 12

NANETTE: Never mind, I tell fortune anyvay. You must leave this place. It is not safe for you
here.

HAROLD: I don’t have much choice in the matter, gypsy lady.

NANETTE: You always have a … (She looks up and takes a good look at Harold. She leans
across the table to get an uncomfortable close look at Harold.) … Ahhhh, … (She sits and grabs
his hand and studies the palm.) Vhat you say is true. You have no choice to be here.

HAROLD: (To Brandi.) Didn’t I just say that?

NANETTE: You come from very far away.

HAROLD: (Condescending tone.) Oh, and you know that from looking at my palm?

BRANDI: Maybe it’s cause you smell so good. (She takes another deep sniff of the stranger.)

HAROLD: Do you think you’re going to be able to stop saying that anytime soon?

BRANDI: I wouldn’t hold my breath.

NANETTE: Hush! I am vorking here.

HAROLD: (Mock seriousness.) Sorry. So, what else do you see?

NANETTE: I see you come from … New York City …

HAROLD: Did you tell her …

NANETTE: (She now appears to be in a trance.) A golden place called … the upper east side.
Your mother does not approve of your vay of living.

HAROLD: That’s right! I thought you said she was a phony?

BRANDI: I thought she was. Is this a put-up job, Harold? Are you faking this?

NANETTE: Your mother send you vest. She send you to work vith your poor aunt. Your auntie
is an amazing voman. Your aunt is happy to see you. You … you carry envelope from her sister,
your mother!

(Nanette, collapses across the table. Harold jumps back and pulls his hand away from the gypsy
woman.)

BRANDI: You look like you seen a ghost.

HAROLD: I … I think I did. Everything she said is right.

BRANDI: Nanette, this is just amazin’! Who knew you really could …
 The Easterner 13

HAROLD: Wait! Wait a minute … Brandi, what did you just call her.

BRANDI: I called her Nanette. That’s her real name. She just calls herself Carmelita as part of
the gypsy thing.

HAROLD: Really? Nanette? (She raises her hand and wiggles her fingers at him,) Aunt
Nanette?

NANETTE: (She raises her head. She’s dropped the accent.) Howdy, there, nephew.

BRANDI & HAROLD: Aunt Nanette!?

BRANDI: You’re his aunt?

NANETTE: Yep.

BRANDI: Can I marry him?

NANETTE: Nope.

HAROLD: Why is my Aunt is playing gypsy fortune teller in a saloon?

NANETTE: Well, a girl has to make a living. In a place like this it isn’t easy to find a few extra
dollars. What I make here barely covers what I owe Mooselips Tompkins.

HAROLD: You borrowed money from him?

BRANDI: Don’t you judge, Harold. She didn’t have much choice.

HAROLD: Well, we’ll just have to have a talk with Mr. Mooselips. I’m sure I’ll be able to talk
him into better terms.

BRANDI: Folks that try to talk reason to Mooselips don’t last among the livin’ for very long.

(Mooselips enters from upstairs and behind Harold.)

HAROLD: The hardest part is going to be keeping a straight face while I’m talking to a fella
named Mooselips. (The women start waving frantically to get Harold to shut up.) I mean I’ve
heard some odd names, but I’ve never in my life run across somebody named Mooselips.

MOOSELIPS: So, you think you can get the better of Mooselips?

HAROLD: Oh, I don’t think it. I … (He turns.) … I … So, you’re Mooselips.

NANETTE: I’ll miss you, Harold.

MOOSELIPS: You got a problem with my name, stranger?

HAROLD: I find it … unique?

 The Easterner 14

MOOSELIPS: ‘Causin’ if’n you do then you and me is takin’ a trip outside.

HAROLD: And … and why would we do that?

MOOSELIPS: That’s where I left my shovel.

BRANDI: I’ll miss, you Harold

MILLIE: (Entering.) Pa, are you … (She sees Mooselips.) There you are. (To Nanette and
Brandi.) Excuse me, have you seen my Pa? I thought he was outside, but now I can’t find him.
I’ve looked all …

MOOSELIPS: Excuse me! I got me a little greenhorn poundin’ to do.

NANETTE: Mooselips, you’ve got to give the kid a break. He’s new in town and doesn’t know
what’s what.

MOOSELIPS: That still don’t give him no right to make fun of my name!

NANETTE: Mooselips, he’s family. He’s my sister’s boy, Harold.

MOOSELIPS: (Takes a look at Harold and then back to Nanette.) His name is Harold, and he’s
makin’ fun of me bein’ Mooselips? Ha! (He pats Harold on the back which knocks him half
across the room.) That’s a good one.

MILLIE: Excuse me for interrupting, but has anybody seen my Pa. He was just outside and now
he seems to have disappeared.

MOOSELIPS: (Chuckling.) I’m sure he’ll turn up, little lady.

BRANDI: You didn’t do nothin’ to her Pa, did you?

MOOSELIPS: Did you just hear me say he’d turn up?

BRANDI: Yeah.

MOOSELIPS: Well, if’n I done something he’d never be seen again. (He has a grand laugh.)

HAROLD: I’ve got to get out of here.

MOOSELIPS: How about you an me havin’ ourselves a little talk, little lady?

HAROLD: I don’t really think that would be …

MOOSELIPS: (Intimidating.) You don’t think that would be a what?

NANETTE: (Pulling Harold back.) Let well enough alone, Harold. (She takes Harold to a
corner while Mooselips take Millie to the other corner and sits her down. To Harold.) You don’t
know what he’s up to. Let him make his play then we’ll know what’s what.
 The Easterner 15

HAROLD: Isn’t his type usually up to no good?

BRANDI: Listen to your aunt, Harold. This ain’t a good time to be stickin’ your nose in.

MOOSELIPS: Now then, I hear you been lookin’ to talk to me.

MILLIE: Yes, sir, I’d like …

MOOSELIPS: Sir? (Chuckles.) You hear that? She calls me, ‘sir’. That’s a good start, little lady.
So, you want to talk to me? Here I am. Now, what do you want?

MILLIE: (Aside.) What I want is to be as far away from this wretched place, and that horrible
man, as possible. I’d like to have our loans paid up and put this horrible time as far behind us as I
can, but alas, I cannot. (She signs.) And I’d also like to spend more time with that handsome
stranger, but first things first. (She clears her throat and speaks to Mooselips.) Sir, I am in a most
unfortunate circumstance.

NANETTE: (In her gypsy accent. She keeps her eyes on her cards.) The cards say he von’t help
you. You should leave. The man you speak to; he is a very bad man.

MOOSELIPS: What did you say?

NANETTE: I say nothing. It is … the cards.

MOOSELIPS: Then you best tell them cards to shut up! (To Millie.) Now, as for you, Miss
Millie. Their ain’t one thing I can do for you ‘cept to toss you and your Pa to the side of the road.

MILLIE: You wouldn’t!

BRANDI: Ohhhh, he would.

MOOSELIPS: You know me so well. (He laughs.) Now, why don’t you go and tell your Pa and
then you can come back and tell me how he took it. If’n he cries I might give all y’all another
couple of days. (He laughs.)

MILLIE: (On the verge of tears.) You … you’re the meanest person in the world! (She dashes
out.)

MOOSELIPS: (Calling after Millie.) Yeah, well if’n you think that you never met my mother!
(Laughing, he heads for the bar.)

HAROLD: Maybe I can help?

BRANDI: The best way you can help is to just sit there and stay out of this. Mooselips loaned
her and her Pa money. Now he’s gonna take everthing they got ‘cause they can’t pay back the
loan.

HAROLD: Maybe I can help her.

 The Easterner 16

BRANDI: Harold, I’ve taken a likin’ to you so I’m gonna tell you this once. You better get out
of here while you can. You don’t want to cross Mooselips.

HAROLD: Thanks for the thought, Brandi, but I’ll be just fine.

MOOSELIPS: Brandi, get yourself over here. I need to talk to you.

BRANDI: Yes, sir! (To Harold.) Please, Harold, don’t do nothin’ stupid.

MOOSELIPS: Brandi!

BRANDI: On my way Mooselips! (Brandi crosses to Mooselips at the bar.)

NANETTE: Listen to the young lady, Harold.

HAROLD: Auntie Nan, I’ve been in a few scrapes in my day. I might even be able to help you.
That is, after all, why Mother sent me out here isn’t it.

NANETTE: Harold, your mother sent you out here to keep you out of trouble.

BRANDI: Tangling with Mooselips is the exact other end of the horse.

MOOSELIPS: Brandi! I told you to git yourself over here. I got a me a little chore for you.

BRANDI: On my way, Mooselips. (To Harold.) You listen to your Aunt.

HAROLD: Aunt Nanette, I can help. I know I can.

NANETTE: No! No, you cannot. If you get yourself involved in that man’s business your days
are numbered.

HAROLD: Did the cards tell you that? (He can see his aunt is not pleased at his answer.) Tell
you what; if Mooselips doesn’t bother me then I won’t be bothering him.

BRANDI: That’s foolish talk, Harold.

MOOSELIPS: Brandi!

BRANDI: What do you need, Mooselips?

MOOSELIPS: I need you to take some chow up to the room at the head of the stairs.

BRANDI: Why is that Mooselips?

MOOSELIPS: Don’t ask no questions! I give you a job to do you get it done. Get it?

BRANDI: Got it.

 The Easterner 17

MOOSELIPS: Good! And when you git back take the grub up the back way. Give the chow
Nasty Ned and then you git back down here. Now go!

BRANDI: On my way, Mooselips! (Stops at Nanette’s table on her way out.) Don’t let Harold
do nothin’ dumb, Nan. That rotten hombre is up to somethin’ real bad. (Millie enters and Brandi
almost runs into her on her way out.) Oh, hey, there you are. Did you find your Pa?

MILLIE: Alas, no, I have not.

BRANDI: (To herself.) Well, I got me an idea of where he is. (To Millie.) Maybe you should
check over to the park. Lots of nice shade trees way over there.

MOOSELIPS: Brandi!

BRANDI: On my way, boss! (To Millie.) The park. Go! You ain’t got much time. (Brandi
dashes out.)

MILLIE: That was certainly unusual.

MOOSELIPS: Now, then, little lady. Why don’t we go sit a spell in my private office and have a
talk about what you need to be talkin’ to me about.

MILLIE: (Aside.) I’m not sure that … person is trustworthy enough to be alone with. But if I
don’t speak to him we might lose everything. (Sighs.) I suppose I have no choice.

(Millie starts to slowly cross toward Mooselips. Harold gets up to go to Millie, but Nanette takes
his arm.)

NANETTE: Hold up, there, nephew.

HAROLD: But she needs help, Aunt Nanette.

NANETTE: And if you get carried out of here boots first you won’t be helping anybody; have a
seat. (Mooselips starts to escort Millie toward his private office. Nanette crosses over to
Mooselips and Millie.) Hey, boss man, whatcha up to?

MOOSELIPS: What I’m up to ain’t none of your business Nan. But since you’re here I got
somethin’ to tell ya.

NANETTE: And what’s that? (Pretending to be shocked.) Mooselips Tompkins, are you sweet
on me? Have you loved me from afar since you met me? That is soooo …

MOOSELIPS: Hold on! Just hold on one long horn minute lady. If I get a choice between you or
kissin’ a cactus I’d rather kiss the cactus.

HAROLD: That seems a bit harsh.

 The Easterner 18

MOOSELIPS: Thanks for tellin’ me … BUT I DON’T REMEMBER ASKIN’ YOUR

OPINION!!! (Harold staggers backward.) Now, what I wanted to tell ya is that you just got
promoted to bartender.

NANTETTE: Oh, goody.

MOOSELIPS: I knew you’d be excited. Come on, gal. (Mooselips takes Millie’s arm.)

HAROLD: (Just to his feet.) Wait!

MOOSELIPS: (Releases Millie and charges Harold.) You got a problem, greenhorn?

HAROLD: Yes, well, yes I do. I … You see …

MOOSELIPS: I’m a waitin’!

HAROLD: (Making it up as he goes to start with but he gathers courage as he goes.) I was sent
out here … Sent here to … To learn how a real man, a man’s man, does business. My Aunt told
my mother, that she worked for one of the sharpest minds she’s ever met.

MOOSELIPS: Is that what you said, Nan?

NANETTE: I’m going to say, yes?

HAROLD: But if you take this lady out of the room for the meeting then I won’t be able to learn
a single thing. It’s not really fair is it, Mooselips?

MOOSELIPS: I guess it ain’t. Well, if’n you want to see how a real man does it, then pay
attention.

(Mooselips crosses to the bar, takes a bottle and a glass, and takes a seat at a corner table.
Nanette, Harold, and Millie talk quietly amongst themselves.)

NANETTE: I can’t believe that actually worked.

MILLIE: What are you doing?

HAROLD: Believe it or not, I’m trying to help.

MILLIE: And just what makes you think I need help?

HAROLD: I’ve got two eyes. (Aside.) I’d like to tell her it’s because I seem to have fallen deeply
in love with her at very first sight. However, this doesn’t really seem like the right time.

MILLIE: While I appreciate the effort, kind stranger, I do wish you’d keep your thoughts to
yourself. (Aside.) I had almost hoped that he would have said that he thinks he’s falling in love
with me. As hard as it is for me to admit this I fear I’m falling in love with him. (To Harold.) If I
need help I shall ask for it.
 The Easterner 19

MOOSELIPS: So, are we gonna do business or are you gonna jack jaw with the hired help?

(Millie goes to Mooselips table and has a seat.)

HAROLD: Now what do I do?

NANETTE: I have no idea. None at all.

MOOSELIPS: Care for a little drink ‘fore we get started?

MILLIE: Thank you no. Strong drink has never crossed these lips.
MOOSELIPS: Now, ain’t that nice and lady like. (Laughs.) So, what do you want?

MILLIE: I wish to renegotiate our deal, Mr. Tompkins.

MOOSELIPS: Sounds good to me. Matter of fact I was gonna bring that up myself.

NANETTE: Oh, this could be bad.

HAROLD: You think he’s up to no good?

NANETTE: No good is the best you can hope for coming from him.

MILLIE: What did you have in mind?

MOOSELIPS: Well, you don’t want to lose your little spread and I don’t wanna lose money. So,
I think maybe we should think about keepin’ it in the family.

MILLIE: Keep it in the family?

HAROLD: What is he talking about?

NANETTE: Oh-oh. You’d better sit down for this, Harold.

HAROLD: What do you mean?

MILLIE: What do you mean?

MOOSELIPS: See, I’ve been meanin’ to settle down for a spell now and I’ve been lookin’ for
just the right kinda gal to come along.

HAROLD: Oh, no. (Nanette slides a chair under him and he drops into it.)

NANETTE: Told you so.

MILLIE: (Suspicious.) And you want me to suggest you to my friends.

 The Easterner 20

MOOSELIPS: Naw, nothin’ like that. (He laughs.) No, I wanna get hitched to you.

MILLIE: (He jumps back.) You … you must be joking.

MOOSELIPS: Do I look like a critter with a sense of humor? (Laughs. Aside.) I do have a sense
of humor, but nobody gets me.

MILLIE: No! A thousand times no! I will not stand for this. My father will not stand for this.

MOOSELIPS: You Pa ain’t got no say in this. Truth is he ain’t gonna say much of anything with
that gag in his mouth.

HAROLD: (Jumping up.) You beast!

MOOSELIPS: Sit down and shut it, greenhorn! Now, I got your Pa someplace safe and quiet. If
you wanna keep it that way you’ll re-think your answer. I got me some business to do with my
gang. When I get back I want an answer.

(Mooselips heads for the door. Nanette stops him.)

NANETTE: You know, this is even low for you, Mooselips.

MOOSELIPS: Naw, it’s actually pretty much keeping in character for me.

NANETTE: So why, all of a sudden, do you feel the need to have a wife?

MOOSELIPS: ‘Cause I figured out how much I was payin’ my cook and my cleanin’ woman.
You don’t have to pay a wife ya know.

HAROLD: But why her?

MOOSELIPS: ‘Cause the schoolmarm said no. Well, she actually said a lot of things but I can’t
really repeat none of it here. The fact that she’s pretty don’t hurt. (Mooselips exits laughing.)

MILLIE: That’s it. I’m lost.

HAROLD: No, no you are not.

NANETTE: Harold, what are you doing?

HAROLD: You said you were thinking about leaving. Why can’t we take her with us?

MILLIE: No! I can’t leave without my father.

NANETTE: Getting two of us out of town would be hard enough. Getting four of us past his
gang. No, no, it’s not possible.
 The Easterner 21

HAROLD: When you say, ‘gang’ … exactly what do you mean.

MILLIE; She means gang! Mooselips Tompkins is the leader of the most awful band of outlaws,
robbers and rustlers the west has ever seen.

HAROLD: I was afraid you’d say that. But that doesn’t change our plans.

NANETTE: So, what do you suggest?

HAROLD: The sheriff! You’ve got a sheriff, don’t you?

MILLIE: We had a sheriff.

NANETTE: As a matter of fact, we’ve had quite a few.

HAROLD: What happened to them?

MILLIE: Hunting accidents.

HAROLD: All of them?

NANETTE: According to the story Mooselips tells.

MILLIE: I am lost.

HAROLD: No! No, Millie. I’ll find a way out of this. I promise.

NANTTE: I just hope you’re not promising your way to a space on Boot Hill.

HAROLD: For you, Millie, that is a chance I’m willing to take.

(The lights fade to black.)

END OF ACT I
 The Easterner 22

ACT II
(At lights up Millie, Nanette, and Harold are sitting at a table; elbow on the table and resting
their chins on their palms. All three deeply sigh and lean back in their chairs. They sigh again
and lean on the table again.)

HAROLD: So, what are we going to do?

MILLIE: I had been hoping you had an idea.

NANETTE: Okay. Millie and her Father owes Mooselips. Do you have any way of paying him
back the money you owe him?

MILLIE: When the crop comes in we’ll be able to do that. But the crop won’t be harvested for
another month and he’s wanting the money or the deed to the farm now.

NANETTE: Of course, he does.

HAROLD: How much money are we talking about?

NANETTE: It doesn’t matter Harold. Even if Millie and her Pa pay back everything plus interest
plus a generous tip he’s going to make poor Millie marry him.

MILLIE: Thanks so much for reminding me.

NANETTE: I’m trying to help.

HAROLD: Well, Aunt Nanette isn’t doing much better.

MILLIE: She’s not the one who may end up married to him.

HAROLD: Okay, you make a good point.

MILLIE: Well, Harold, at least you’ll be able to get away.

HAROLD: I am not leaving without you, Millie. I know I just met you, but … but I … I can’t
leave you.

MILLIE: And I can’t leave without my Pa.

NANETTE: You two are so sweet. (With the envelope in hand she crosses to the table.) But
nobody is going anywhere without money.

HAROLD: If only we enough money to escape. (To Millie.) For all of us to escape.

MILLIE: How much money do you think it would take to buy a wagon and …
 The Easterner 23

NANETTE: It would cost a lot more than we have. Even if it was just two nickels to rub together
we’d be … we’d be … (She pauses to consider the envelope in her hand.)

HAROLD: If only you had money Mooselips didn’t know you had.

NANETTE: (Raises her hands in exasperation; one hand with the envelope.) There is no such
thing as money Mooselips doesn’t know about. (She freezes looking out over the audience, looks
to the envelope, and then looks over the audience again.) Wait a minute. (She opens the envelope
and stares into it for a moment. She starts backing toward the door.) Hey! You, know there’s a
thing … something I need to check on. (She laughs nervously.) I will be right back! (She makes
a sudden dash for the door and exits.)

HAROLD: Where do you suppose she’s going?

MILLIE: As far away from here as she can get. It’s just a guess.

HAROLD & MILLIE: (They say the same things at the same time.) I sorry I haven’t ... (Pause.) I
haven’t introduced myself … (Pause. They laugh.) I’m … (They both stop. Their hands fly to
their mouths. Harold points to Millie while keeping one hand over his mouth.)

MILLIE: Should I talk? (Harold nods his head; keeping his hands over his mouth.) I’m Mildred
Merrily. My friends call me Millie. (Millie offers her hand for a shake; Harold takes her hand
but keeps one over his mouth. He releases her hands and holds up a finger.) Oh! Oh, I get it.
(She holds her hands over her mouth.)

HAROLD: I’m Harold Hankerin.

(He offers his hand and she takes hand to shake. They have a laugh.)

MILLIE: (Dropping her hands palms down, on the table.) Do you suppose we can have a
conversation now?

HAROLD: Fingers crossed. Mildred, do you think my Aunt is going to come back?

MILLIE: If we’re going to be friends you’d better be calling me Millie.

HAROLD: I think I’d like that.

MILLIE: Mind if I call you Hal. I’d call you Harry, but you don’t really seem like a Harry to me.

HAROLD: Hal sounds good to me. (Aside.) The truth be known she could call me anything she
likes and I wouldn’t mind. (To Millie.) So, my aunt, do you think she’s coming back.

MILLIE: I hate to be the one to break it to you, Hal, but if she’s smart she’s long gone.
 The Easterner 24

HAROLD: No, no, she’ll be back. Aunt Nanette doesn’t really seem to be the sort to just pick up
and run.

MILLIE: I don’t know, Hal, this place has a way of changing people. Even me. It’s hard to admit
but there are times I even think of … just running away.

HAROLD: Wow, is it really that bad out here? My Mother led me to believe that things were
rough out and tumble out here, but I … I never …

MILLIE: You never expected it to be this bad?

HAROLD: Something like that? But as bad as it might get; you’ll never run, Millie.

MILLIE: Oh, I wish I could believe you, Hal.

HAROLD: Millie, I know you just met me, but you have to believe me. I look into your beautiful
eyes and I see the strongest and most decent person I’ve … I’ve … Oh, boy! (Harold backs
away.)

MILLIE: Hal?

HAROLD: Millie, I’m sorry, I’m being … really forward. I … I … I can’t believe I’m
apologizing. I never apologize for anything.

MILLIE: Hal, it’s okay. What you said was very sweet.

HAROLD: But that just isn’t like me, Millie. I’m the happy go lucky guy who doesn’t take
anything or anybody seriously.

MILLIE: Hal, it’s okay, Hal. Hey, you know what?

HAROLD: What?

MILLIE: I look into your eyes and I see a really nice guy, good man, who’d really like to come
out and do the right thing.

HAROLD: Thanks, but you can be sure of that.

MILLIE: Yes, I can. I’m a … a very good judge of … of character.

(The two love birds are coming closer and closer to kissing. Right before the kiss Brandi bursts
into the room from upstairs.)

BRANDI: (Running in from upstairs.) Oh boy, oh boy … You’re not going to believe what
Mooselips did?
 The Easterner 25

(Millie and Harold jump away from each other and do their best to compose themselves.)

MILLIE: I’m having a hard time believing what you just did!

BRANDI: What’d I do?

HAROLD: Never mind.

BRANDI: Anyway, you won’t believe what I just found out.

HAROLD: Mooselips Tompkins is holding Millie’s father a prisoner?

MILLIE: And he’s not going to release my father unless I marry him?

BRANDI: Well, … yeah. Okay, how’d you know?

MILLIE & HAROLD: Lucky guess.

BRANDI: You guys aren’t any fun at all.

MILLIE: Sorry.

HAROLD: I have an idea! (All eyes turn toward him. He holds his hand out to Millie.) Millie,
let’s dance!

MILLIE: Harold, this hardly seems the right time!

HAROLD: No, you misunderstand. Some of my best ideas come to me while I’m dancing.

BRANDI: No! Please don’t. Don’t do that. No, dancing.

HAROLD: You’ve got a problem with dancing?

BRANDI: I don’t, but Mooselips does.

MILLIE: Why am I not surprised?

HAROLD: What possible problem can that man have with dancing?

BRANDI: He don’t much approve of anybody enjoyin’ themselves if he ain’t makin’ money
from it.

MILLIE: He actually tried to make money from dancing?

BRANDI: Yeah, he charged ‘em a dime a dance, but it didn’t work out for him too good. See he
tries real hard but ain’t much of a dancer.
 The Easterner 26

HAROLD: He … he was charging people to … to … dance with him?

BRANDI: Yep. It worked out okay but whenever he dipped somebody he always dropped ‘em.

MILLIE: I hate to sound selfish, but could we focus on my problem?

HAROLD: Yes! Your problem!

MOOSELIPS: (Entering.) Carmelita, get me a drink!

BRANDI: Right away, Mooselips.

MOOSELIPS: Wait a minute. You ain’t Carmelita.

BRANDI: (Pouring Mooselips a shot of whiskey.) She’s on her break?

MOOSELIPS: Oh.

HAROLD: Mr. … Mr. Mooselips, may I have a word with you?

BRANDI: Here ya go, Mooselips. (She serves the drink and turns to Harold.) Harold, please do
not do this.

MOOSELIPS: (Takes the drink in one gulp.) Ahhhh, that’s good stuff.

HAROLD: (Harold approaches with as much swagger as he can manage.) So, pard-ner, what’s
your poison?

MOOSELIPS: Cyanide, arsenic and strychnine.

HAROLD: (Laughing.) That’s a good one! No, I meant, what are you drinking.

MOOSELIPS: Cyanide, arsenic and strychnine!

BRANDI: That is what he’s drinking.

MOOSELIPS: These are a few of my favorite things.

MILLIE: Oh, I hope he doesn’t get hurt.
BRANDI: If he thinks he’s goin’ up against Mooselips he can’t help but get hurt.

MOOSELIPS: So, you wanna have a word with me?

HAROLD: That I do, sir.

MOOSELIPS: Most folks wanna have three words with me. Know what three words them might
be?
 The Easterner 27

HAROLD: I’m afraid to ask.

MOOSELIPS: Then don’t. But I’m still gonna tell ya.

HAROLD: I was afraid of that.

MOOSELIPS: Them three words is … Please … don’t … shoot.

HAROLD: (After a moment of silence he starts laughing.) Please don’t shoot. (Laughing.) Oh,
that’s a good one, that is, Mooselips.

BRANDI: He ain’t kiddin’ kiddo.

HAROLD: (Laughing.) I know, but I had a choice of laughing or crying and … and my body
went with laughing.

MOOSELIPS: Now, what did ya wanna talk to me about?

HAROLD: (Composing himself. Clearing his throat.) Ah, yes, to business. Now then, this … this
lovely young lady and her father owe you money as does my dear aunt Nanette. (Taking a
checkbook out of his pocket. Turns to Millie.) I really should have thought of this before. (To
Mooselips.) One would wonder exactly how much money it would take to smooth the waters.

MOOSELIPS: Oh … (To Brandi.) What’d he say?

MILLIE: He wants to know what it’s worth to you to leave me, and Pa, and his aunt in peace.

MOOSELIPS: Oh! (Laughing.) Well, why didn’t ya just say that in the first place?

HAROLD: I thought I did. My mistake. Anyway, you’re a man of business, yes?

MOOSELIPS: I’ve been givin’ folks the business since before I could walk.

HAROLD: So, how much should I make the check out for?

BRANDI: I don’t think this is going to work, Harold.

HAROLD: Of course, it will. Everybody has a price.

MOOSELIPS: So, hold on, what exactly is a check?

HAROLD: Well, it’s … golly, I’ve never had to explain that.

MOOSELIPS: Are you callin’ me stupid?

HAROLD: Not even if you paid me.

MOOSELIPS: So, what is this check thing?

 The Easterner 28

MILLIE: It’s like an I.O.U.! Harold fills in your name and how much he owes you and you take
it to the bank and the bank gives you money.

MOOSELIPS: Oh … Well, why didn’t ya just say so?

HAROLD: I lost my head. Now then, how much?

MOOSELIPS: Well, lemme see … There’s what Millie and Pa owes me and then there’s interest
… and a late fee … okay … carry the one and … okay, there’s what your aunt owes me and …
interest … carry the one … and …

HAROLD & MOOSELIPS: And the late fee.

MOOSELIPS: Okay that comes to exactly ten dollars more than you got, greenhorn!

HAROLD: But I thought …

MOOSELIPS: First of all, I ain’t the kinda critter who takes I.O.U.s and second … it ain’t all
about the money.

BRANDI: It’s not? Wow, I didn’t not see that coming.

MOOSELIPS: See, one of these days I’m gonna have to look respectable. When that there day
comes around I’m gonna need a good-sized spread and a pretty wife. If’n I put your aunt’s
spread together with Millie’s farm I’ll have me the biggest spread in the state. Once I’m hitched
to Millie I’ll have the prettiest wife in the state.

MILLIE: Ick!

MOOSELIPS: I’ll be set. (Laughing.)

MILLIE: Oh, dear, I’m lost!

HAROLD: Now wait … wait. Are you sure there is nothing I can do?

MOOSELIPS: Matter of fact there is. You remember what you said about everbody havin’ a
price.

HAROLD: (Aside.) And why do I have the feeling I’m about to regret saying that?

MOOSELIPS: Well, the price for you is $1,000 dollars.

HAROLD: And what exactly do I get for my money?

MOOSELIPS: You get to live. (Mooselips, laughing, heads for the exit. He stops laughing and
turns on Harold.) You got until sundown to pay up. Or … or else. (He exits laughing.)
 The Easterner 29

BRANDI: Well, that worked well.

(Nanette enters. She sees the group, freezes, and starts backing out.)

HAROLD: Aunt Nanette!

NANETTE: What!? I didn’t do it!

MILLIE: My goodness, what’s wrong.

HAROLD: You didn’t have any luck, did you?

NANETTE: I … I don’t know what you’re talking about?

BRANDI: Fess up, Nan! Your nephew hands you an envelope and you lit outta here like a cat
with its tail on fire.

MILLIE: That’s horrible! Who would set a poor cat’s tail … Oh! It was Mooselips, wasn’t it?

HAROLD: Millie, … Millie, it’s a figure of speech. It just means she left in a hurry.

MILLIE: Oh, well, that changes things doesn’t it. Hey, I’m under a lot of pressure here.

BRANDI: You I forgive. You, on the other hand, have a lot explaining to do.

NANETTE: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait … a … minute. (She takes a deep breath.) It’s
not as bad as it looks.

HAROLD: How should it look, Aunt Nanette?

NANETTE: When I ran out of here my only thoughts were to just get out of here. But each step I
took away from here, from you three, made me … Well, I couldn’t just leave the three …

MILLIE: Don’t forget Pa.

NANETTE: Sorry, kiddo. And your father. Anyway, I got to thinking about the people I’d be
leaving behind and I … I couldn’t do it … it made me feel guilty.

BRANDI: (She is touched.) So, you came back.

NANETTE: Oh no. No, oh no, no, no. I got to the train station as quick as I could to get out of
here. I’m soft hearted. I’m not nuts.

BRANDI: That a girl.

NANETTE: In my defense when I got to the train station I tried to get us all on the train.
 The Easterner 30

MILLIE: Even Pa?

NANETTE: Even your Pa. (Her eye roll suggests she may have had other ideas.) Anyway, it
turns out that nothing and nobody goes on that train without Mooselips giving his personal a-
okay.

MILLIE: How can he even do that?

BRANDI: ‘Cause there’s nobody to stop him from doin’ it.

HAROLD: Cars?

MILLIE: Oh, Harold, we’ve have to travel thirty miles before we even see an automobile.

HAROLD: Then what about horses and wagons?

NANETTE: No horses.

MILLIE: That can’t be right. There are horses everywhere.

BRANDI: And Mooselips and his gang own all of the horse who are worth anything.

NANETTE: And all the other horses belong to folks that are too scared to sell.

HAROLD: Wait a minute! Millie, you’ve got a wagon. I heard you tell your father to wait in the
wagon. That means you’ve got horses.

MILLIE: No. That … that only means I’m a lot stronger than I look.

HAROLD: You mean … you … you pulled the wagon.

MILLIE: All five miles from our farm.

BRANDI: And even if we did have a horse and wagon we’d never get past the guards Mooselips
has on the road.

HAROLD: To keep people in or to keep them out?

BRANDI, NANETTE, & MILLIE: Both!

HAROLD: Well … we’re certainly in a pickle here, aren’t we?

NANETTE: Don’t look at me, kids! I got nothing.

BRANDI: I, for one, am relieved. (Everyone stares at her.) Well, I was startin’ to have hope and
it was makin’ me dizzy.
 The Easterner 31

MILLIE: So, we are all doomed.

HAROLD: Maybe … maybe not. (Harold starts dancing; slow and subdued.)

NANETTE: What are you doing?

HAROLD: Dancing. (Music comes in, and Harold starts moving a little faster.)

BRANDI: Holy cats!

NANETTE: Keep a lookout, Brandi.

BRANDI: Gotcha! (She heads for the door.)

MILLIE: This is no time to be dancing, Harold!

HAROLD: I told you I think better when I’m dancing. (Harold grabs Millie and they dance
across the saloon. Harold twirls her which ends with her sitting in a chair.) I’ve got it! Aunt
Nan, do you have a train schedule.

BRANDI: What do you want to know?

HAROLD: When’s the next train leave for Omaha?

NANETTE: Harold, I love you like a nephew but …

HAROLD: But I am your nephew.

NANETTE: You’ve got feathers for brains.

BRANDI: The next expess train for Omaha leaves in … fifteen minutes. Which around here
means in anywhere from fifteen minutes to sometime tomorrow.

HAROLD: Not much time, or too much time, but it’ll have to do. Auntie, how much money did
my mother send you?

NANETTE: Five hundred dollars, why?

HAROLD: Loan it to me when I get back. (He heads for the door.)

MILLIE: Where are you going?

HAROLD: Well … I think I’m going to save the day. Brandi, when Mooselips gets back tell him
I want a card game.
 The Easterner 32

NANETTE: Harold, as dangerous as that man is with a gun and a knife he’s even more
dangerous with a deck of cards.

HAROLD: Don’t worry, Auntie Nan. In this game I cannot lose.

NANETTE: If you do you’re a dead man, Harold.

BRANDI: Even if you win you’re a dead man. Mooselips is what you might call a sore loser.

HAROLD: I’m counting on it. Brandi, I need you to do me a favor. (He whispers to Brandi.)

BRANDI: Are you out of your pea-pickin’ mind?

HAROLD: Nope. Can you do it?

BRANDI: Will it get me out of this one-horse-two-bit town?

HAROLD: Yep.

BRANDI: Then I can do it. (She goes to the bar to pour a drink.)

HAROLD: Ladies, hold down the fort. (Laughing, Harold dashes out.)

MILLIE: Miss Nanette?

NANETTE: Yes, dear?

MILLIE: Does he know what he’s doing?

NANETTE: I hope so.

MILLIE: But what if he doesn’t?

BRANDI: Then it’s been nice knowing him.

NANETTE: What are you doing?

BRANDI: I wish I knew.

(Brandi goes upstairs with the drink. Millie and Nanette look around the bar and see they’ve
been left alone.)

MILLIE: The good news is that nothing else can go wrong.

NANETTE: Oh, Millie, I do wish you hadn’t said that.

 The Easterner 33

MILLIE: Why.

MOOSELIPS: (Bursting into the room.) Howdy, varmints!

NANETTE: That’s why.

MOOSELIPS: Nan, get me and my bride a drink.

MILLIE: I don’t drink.

MOOSELIPS: Well, since you’re gonna be married to me you might wanna think about that.

NANETTE: (To Millie.) Don’t worry, sweetie, I’ll give you a glass of sarsaparilla.

MOOSELIPS: Come on over and sit a spell with me, Nellie.

MILLIE: (Looks around.) If you mean me my name is Millie.

MOOSELIPS: Millie, Nellie … (Waves away her protest.) Don’t really matter. Now come over
here and let’s talk a bit.

MILLIE: And just why should I want to do that?

MOOSELIPS: ‘Cause if’n ya don’t I’ll drag you over here kickin’ and screamin’.

NANETTE: (Takng the drinks to the table.) Drinks are ready, sweetie.

MILLIE: What makes … (Before she can say more Nanette rushes to her.)

NANETTE: Come on over, Millie. One little ol’ friendly drink won’t hurt anything. (Quietly to
Millie.) We’re supposed to be stalling for time, remember?

MILLIE: Dear me, I hope Harold knows what he’s doing. (She crosses to the table.)

MOOSELIPS: There ya go. (She sits.) That’s better ain’t it?

(Before another word can be spoken the fire bell sounds from outside the saloon.)

MILLIE: (Startled.) What’s that?

MOOSELIPS: Whatever it is it don’t much matter to me.

NANETTE: Holy cow, there’s smoke coming from the telegraph office.

MOOSELIPS: Okay. That does matter to me. (He jumps from his chair and rushes outside.)
 The Easterner 34

MILLIE: What was that all about?

BRANDI: (Coming down the stairs.) What’s going on? Where’s the fire?

NANETTE: There’s smoke coming out of the telegraph office.

BRANDI: Mooselips uses the telegraph as his own personal early warning system. If there’s ever
any trouble headed his way he gets a telegram and hides whatever needs hidden.

NANETTE: He also pays the guys who run the telegram office.

BRANDI: That way nothin’ gets out of town that he don’t want leavin’

HAROLD: (Coming down the stairs.) Hello, ladies, did I miss anything?

NANETTE: Where have you been?

HAROLD: Getting us out of town. (Going to Millie.) Millie, things are going to be happening
fast in the next few minutes. Do you trust me?

MILLIE: Yes, Harold, I trust you.

BRANDI: You’re goin’ to get us …

NANETTE: (Cutting her off and taking Harold’s arm.) Harold, are you absolutely sure you
know what you’re doing.

HAROLD: (He strikes a heroic pose.) I have no idea.

MILLIE: Oh, Harold …

HAROLD: Ladies, I’ve never been in this position before. Well, I almost certain that nobody has
ever been in this position before. The one thing I am sure of is that right here, and right now, I
feel like I have to do the right thing. (Aside.) And it’s a good feeling.

MOOSELIPS: (Bursting in.) Nan, get me a drink. (He crosses to his table.)

HAROLD: It’s show time.

NANETTE: Good luck, Harold. (To Mooselips.) One drink coming up.

MILLIE: (She kisses his check.) A kiss for luck. (She scampers to a corner of the room.)

HAROLD: (To Nanette.) Did you talk to him about the card game, Aunt Nanette?

NANETTE: Not really much time.

 The Easterner 35

HAROLD: Deck of cards and the envelope please.

NANETTE: Are you sure about this, Harold.

HAROLD: No, but it’s the only chance we have.

NANETTE: (She hands him the envelope and a deck of cards.) For everybody’s sake, I sure
hope this works.

HAROLD: So do I. (Crossing to table.)

MOOSELIPS: Nan, where my drink?

NANETTE: On it’s way.

HAROLD: Hey, Mooselips, how about a friendly game of poker. (He drops the deck of cards
and the envelope of money on the table.)

MOOSELIPS: You think you can take me?

HAROLD: (Laughing nervously.) I said … I said a friendly game.

MOOSELIPS: (Sliding a chair out with his foot.) Have a seat. Brandi! Get over here and deal.

BRANDI: Right here, Mooselips. (She sits down, takes the deck out of the package and starts
shuffling. Harold sits.) What are we playing?

HAROLD: Do you know how to play Go-Fish?

MOOSELIPS: No! Draw poker. Wait, don’t you owe me a thousand dollars ‘fore sundown?

HAROLD: Yep, and with any luck I’ll be able to win it here.

BRANDI & MOOSELIPS: It’s been nice knowing you.

MOOSELIPS: Ante up!

(They drop money into the center of the table and Brandi deals the cards.)

MILLIE: Is he going to be okay?

NANETTE: I don’t know.

HAROLD: I’ll take two off the top, please.

MOOSELIPS: I’ll play the hand I got and … and raise you … two hundred.
 The Easterner 36

HAROLD: Call. And I got three aces. How’d you do?

MOOSELIPS: (Throwing cards down.) You got lucky on that one tinhorn!

HAROLD: This is fun. (Puts money in for ante.)

MOOSELIPS: Deal the cards.

(Brandi does a fast shuffle and deals.)

MILLIE: Do you think Harold is good enough to keep winning?

NANETTE: According to my sister he’s good enough to keep winning.

MILLIE: Goody!

NANETTE: If he’s lucky he’ll start losing.

MILLIE: I don’t understand.

NANETTE: Mooselips isn’t exactly what you’d call a good loser. Remember?

BRANDI: Bet goes to Mooselips.

MOOSELIPS: Let’s get this over with! I’m all in. Give me two cards, Brandi. And make ‘em
good ones!

HAROLD: (Harold looks at his cards and his eyes get very wide, he jumps out of his chair and
does a little happy dance.) Yes! Yes! Yes! I call.

(Harold sits his cards on the table. And turns to Nanette. While he speaks to Nanette Mooselips
looks at Harold’s cards and then switches with him. Brandi is about to say something but
Mooselips puts a finger over her mouth and a finger to his lips to shush her.)

NANETTE: Are you having an attack, Harold?

HAROLD: (In a squeaky voice.) I’ve just got a really … (Getting control of himself and clearing
his throat.) … really normal hand. Nothing … nothing out of the ordinary here. Aunt Nanette,
could I get a glass of water?

NANETTE: You got it, Harold. (She rushes to the bar for a glass of water.)

MILLIE: I believe in you, Harold. Good luck. (She kisses him, gently, on the lips.)

HAROLD: Wow. Was that one for luck, too?

 The Easterner 37

MILLIE: (Blushing.) That was for you, Harold.

HAROLD: Golly!

MOOSELIPS: Are we gonna play cards?!

HAROLD: Sure, we are.

NANETTE: Here’s your water, nephew.

HAROLD: Thanks. (He takes the water and tosses the entire glass in his face.) I need that. So!
The bet is to me, eh?

BRANDI: I’m afraid so, Harold. And Harold … it’s been nice knowing you.

HAROLD: I really wish you’d stop staying that.

MOOSELIPS: What ya gonna do, tinhorn?

HAROLD: Well, then I’ll call you Mooselips. (He pushes all of his money to the center of the
table.) What have you got?

MOOSELIPS: (Smuggly.) No. After you.

HAROLD: (Proudly turning over his cards.) Well, I have got … a pair of eights. (Jumping out
of his chair.) A pair of eights?!!!

MOOSELIPS: Well, I guess my straight royal flush beats that. (He laughs hysterically as he
pulls the money to him.)

HAROLD: That … that just isn’t possible. I had the straight royal flush.

MOOSELIPS: Then why is it in my hand? Are you callin’ me a liar? Are you callin’ me … a
cheater?

HAROLD: (Starts to answer, nervously, but then gets a thought.) Well, Mooselips, isn’t lying
and cheating pretty much number one and two in your job description? Be honest.

MOOSELIPS: Think your funny, don’t ya?

HAROLD: I think I’m hysterically funny.

MOOSELIPS: (Menacing.) You won’t be when I’m done with ya.

HAROLD: (Stepping back.) Ah-ah … if anything happens to me then you’ll never know what I
did with Millie’s father.
 The Easterner 38

MILLIE: You!? What did you do with my father?

HAROLD: I put him in a safe place.

MOOSELIPS: You’re bluffing. Nasty Ned!!! (There is no answer.) Ned, get yourself down here
now!

HAROLD: He’s in no shape to answer you, Mooselips. (Laughing.) And before you ask I’ll tell
you. Nasty Ned isn’t nearly as nasty as you thought. He didn’t even see me coming for him.
(Laughing.)

MILLIE: (To Brandi.) What did he do to Nasty Ned?

BRANDI: He had me slip some knockout drops into his drink.

NANETTE: Huh, he may be smarter than he looks.

BRANDI: Well, he ain’t out of this yet.

MOOSELIPS: If’n ya won’t tell me … then I’ll just have to beat it out of ya before I plug ya.

HAROLD: Or, you could ask him. (Harold points behind Mooselips. Mooselips quickly turns
but there is nobody there. When Mooselips turns Harold dashes for the door.) Well, I’d love to
stay but I won’t. See ya, Moosebreath! (Harold dashes out.)

(The women rush to the window and door to watch Harold flee.)

MOOSELIPS: Moosebreath!!! (He sighs deeply and takes off his hat and hangs his head.) I am
sorely ashamed of myself for fallin’ for that old trick. (Back to business.) All right, which way
did he go.

(The women step forward.)

MILLIE, NANETTE, BRANDI: He went that-a-way. (Each one points in a different direction.)

MOOSELIPS: Thanks, ladies, y’all have been loads a help. (Yelling out the door.) Lefty!
Blackie! Get the gang together and find me that greenhorn! And you … (He turns to Brandi.) I’ll
be dealin’ with you later! (Mooselips dashes out.)

BRANDI: And that would be my cue to find some place deep and dark to hide. (She heads for
an exit.)

NANETTE: Where will you go?

BRANDI: There’s one place Mooselips would never look for me.
 The Easterner 39

MILLIE: The church?

BRANDI: Nope. His mother’s house. Okay, gotta go. (She dashes out.)

MILLIE: Why won’t he find her there.

NANETTE: He never visits his mother.

MILLIE: They don’t get along?

NANETTE: His mother is the school teacher.

MILLIE: Ohhhhh … That does explain a lot.

(Harold enters from the back of the house and makes his way to the stage through the audience.)

MILLIE: Harold, oh Harold, it’s so good to see you.

HAROLD: Good to be seen.

NANETTE: Is this part of the plan?

HAROLD: Actually, it is.

(Mooselips burst in at the back of the house.)

MOOSELIPS: Whar is the varmint?!!! There ya are. (He makes his way to the stage through the
audience. At last he makes his way to the stage.) Well, varmint, are ya gonna stand there and be a
man or a coward and run away again.

MILLIE: Harold, you don’t need to prove anything to me.

HAROLD: Yes, I do. And if you’ll allow me I’d like to spend the rest of my life proving myself
to you.

MILLIE: Oh, Harold! (Millie and Harold embrace.)

(The train whistle sounds as Mooselips starts to cross the stage toward Harold.)

NANETTE: The rest of your life won’t be that long if you don’t get out of here!

HAROLD: Oh, right! Sorry Mooselips. I’m a runner … not a fighter. (Harold dashes out
through the audience.)

MOOSELIPS: Outta my way!

 The Easterner 40

(Mooselips follows Harold out. The women go the door to watch.)

NANETTE: Oh, no!

MILLIE: What’s wrong?

NANETTE: The whole gang is after Harold.

MILLIE: No! Oh, oh … I can’t watch.

NANETTE: He’s heading for the train station. No, he’s … he’s heading for the train. The gang is
hot on his heels.

MILLIE: Run, Harold, run.

NANETTE: The train’s pulling out of the station and … and Harold’s jumping on the train.

MILLIE: Yea! Harold is saved.

NANETTE: Oh, no!

MILLIE: Oh no, what?

NANETTE: The whole gang is jumping on the train.

MILLIE: Oh no! Even Mooselips?

NANETTE: He was the first one to get jump on. That train doesn’t stop until it gets to Omaha.

MILLIE: He’ll never get away from them. Ohhhh …

HAROLD: (Entering from the other side.) Sounds serious. What’s the problem?

MILLIE: The man I love is trapped on a train with a bunch of … of … Harold?

HAROLD: In the flesh.

MILLIE & NANETTE: Harold!!!

NANETTE: But how? How did you get away?

MILLIE: We saw you getting on the train.

HAROLD: But you didn’t see me getting off of the train on the other side, did you. Neither did
Mooselips and the gang.
 The Easterner 41

NANETTE: But he’ll be back.

HAROLD: I don’t think so. You see I set a harmless little fire in the telegraph office to empty
the place out. Then I sent a telegram to the federal marshal’s office in Omaha and told them to
expect Mooselips and his gang.

NANETTE: You didn’t?

HAROLD: I did.

NANETTE: You know Morse Code?

HAROLD: Boy Scouts. The Marshal sends his thanks and … and he’ll be sending out quite a big
check to us. It seems that Mooselips and his gang have a really big reward on their heads.

MILLIE: But what about my Pa?

HAROLD: I hid him in the closet in the room they were hold him.

NANETTE: That’s brilliant! The last place they look is the place he escaped from.

MILLIE: Then it’s all over.

HAROLD: (Sadly.) I’m afraid not, Millie. (He takes her hands and pulls her to him.) This is just
the beginning.

MILLIE: Oh, Harold.

(The kiss as the lights fade black.)

THE END