My dear Srila Prabhupada,

 
Please accept my most humble obeisances in the dust of your lotus feet.
All glories to you!
 
This year I have no tales to share with you of adventures in foreign
lands, of festivals so grand that a million souls heard the holy names
and tens of thousands took prasadam, or of your temples around the
world where I was witness to your faithful followers’ preaching of your
wonderous glories far and wide.
 
For exactly 50 years to the day, I have traversed this planet sharing your
message of Krsna consciousness wherever I go and with whomever I
meet. It was the joy of my life and I thought it would never end! Then
suddenly the entire world came to a screeching halt, and I with it.  From
where I was stationed in Vrindavan, India, I watched in disbelief as an
invisible foe forced the entire human race to their knees and a lockdown
sent the world spiralling downwards like nothing within living
memory. 
 
But for all the chaos and confusion that has eclipsed the world, the
worst outcome has been that the loud chanting of Krsna’s holy names
has been muffled to a whisper. Usually resounding throughout the
world, the names are now being chanted and heard only by isolated

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devotees huddled in front of computer screens. They watch the best of
ISKCON’s kirtan leaders, often singing alone, with no call and response
to enliven them. 
 
As the world struggled with the viral pandemic, I, like every other
human on the planet, was forced to adjust to a new reality. The driving
force in my life has always been your instruction to me: “Preach boldly
and have faith in the holy names.”  While contemplating the
alternatives for continuing my service from behind closed doors, I
began searching for directives from your Divine Grace. How could I sit
tight in Vrindavan for months – maybe even for years – and not become
restless?  Then I remembered an instruction you gave me in a letter in
1971: “Always follow in the footsteps of advanced devotees.”
 
Traditionally, Vrindavan is the place where advanced devotees retire to
engage in solitary bhajan day in and day out with a fixed routine of
basic hearing and chanting.  Although you have many times warned
that neophyte devotees should not leave their preaching services to
engage in solitary bhajan, there appeared to be no alternative for me.
Fortunately, I was aware of your purport in Srimad Bhagavatam where

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you actually invite your disciples to come to Vrindavan for the very
purpose of advancing in Krsna consciousness:
 
“One must go to the Vrindavan forest and take shelter of Govinda. That
will make one happy. The International Society for Krsna Consciousness
is, therefore, constructing a Krsna-Balarama temple to invite its
members as well as outsiders to come and live peacefully in a spiritual
atmosphere. That will help one become elevated to the transcendental
world and return home, back to Godhead.”

[ Srimad Bhagavatam 5.13.8 purport ]

 
 To corroborate that the misfortune brought on by the pandemic could
be converted into fortune through a lengthy stay in the dhama, I
searched online for a lecture of yours that I attended in Geneva,
Switzerland, on June 1st, 1974. None of us had been in the movement
for more than a few years, but that morning you stressed we should all
strive to become devotees of the highest caliber through adherence to
serious sadhana. I vividly remember hearing you use the phrase “first-
class devotee” that morning:
 
“Every one of you should become a pure devotee, a first-class devotee.
In this age it has been made very easy. Simply keep yourself clean, do
not indulge in the four prohibitions and chant Hare Krsna. Then you
will be all first-class devotees …. The Hare Krsna mantra chanting
means keeping Krsna always within your heart. Think that, ‘I have kept
one diamond throne, a very costly throne because Krsna is coming. He
will sit down here.’ Create such a situation within your heart. ‘Now
Krsna has seated. Let me wash His feet with Ganges and Yamuna water.
Now I will change His dress with first-class costly garments. Then I will
decorate Him with ornaments. Then I will give Him food for eating.’
You can simply think of this. This is meditation. It is so easy.”

[ Srimad Bhagavatam class, Geneva, June 1st, 1974 ]

 
Of course, this was not the vision I had for myself when I reached my
present age of 71 years. I had dreamt of continuing to travel and preach
to my last breath, dying on the battlefield “with my boots on”, so to

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speak. But any doubts that remained about sitting tight in Vrindavan
doing “solitary bhajan” were dispelled the next day when I chanced
upon another one of your stellar purports in Srimad Bhagavatam:
 
“Thus Bhaktisiddhanta Sarasvati Thakur advocated that every devotee,
under the guidance of an expert spiritual master, preach the Bhakti
movement, Krishna Consciousness, all over the world. Only when one
is mature can he sit in a solitary place and retire from preaching all over
the world. Following this example, the devotees of the International
Society for Krishna Consciousness now render service as preachers in
various parts of the world. Now they can allow the spiritual master to
retire from active preaching work. In the last stage of the spiritual
master’s life, the devotees of the spiritual master should take the
preaching activities into their own hands. In this way, the spiritual
master can sit down in a solitary place and render nirjana-bhajan.”

[ Srimad Bhagavatam purport 4.28.33 ]

 
Within your words in this purport, there seemed to be some credence
for my new-found fate. The very next day I started following a strict
regime of rising early, chanting my rounds, doing my puja and
memorizing Sanskrit verses. I began eating frugally only once a day. I
cut my sleeping down to 4 or 5 hours a night and spent 10 -12 hours a
day on studying.  I began giving classes online 3 times a week for my
disciples on the glories of Vrindavan dhama. 
 
As the weeks turned into months, I felt I was making a little progress in
coming closer to a goal – or rather a challenge – you had once given me
to go “higher and higher” in Krsna consciousness in order to
understand the deeper mellows of devotional service. At a darshan in
New Mayapur, France on August 5, 1976, I asked you:
 
“Srila Prabhupada, you’ve mentioned several times in the recent lectures
that a pure devotee can see Krsna everywhere – that He’s never out of
your vision. And at the same time in Siksastakam prayers Lord Caitanya
explains that ‘Govinda, I am feeling Your separation to be twelve years
or more. I am feeling the world vacant in His absence.’ Could you
explain this?”

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You looked at me and replied:
 
“Yes. He’s praying how you can become mad without seeing Krsna. That
is highest stage. It cannot be explained. But when you gradually go
higher and higher you will understand.”
 
Srila Prabhupada, I’m ashamed to say that after so many years  I have
still not reached the goal. But I hope that one day I will truly
understand how Lord Caitanya was “mad” in separation from Krsna! A
similar emotion is expressed by Rupa Goswami:
 
"I have no love for Krsna, nor for the causes of developing love of Krsna
– namely, hearing and chanting. And the process of bhakti-yoga, by
which one is always thinking of Krsna and fixing His lotus feet in the
heart, is also lacking in me. As far as philosophical knowledge or pious
works are concerned, I don't see any opportunity for me to execute such
activities. But above all, I am not even born of a nice family. Therefore I
must simply pray to You, Gopijana-vallabha [ Krsna, maintainer and
beloved of the gopis ]. I simply wish and hope that some way or other I
may be able to approach Your lotus feet, and this hope is giving me
pain, because I think myself quite incompetent to approach that
transcendental goal of life." 

[ Srila Rupa Goswami, quoted in Nectar of Devotion, Chapter 18 ]

And so I spend my time here in the abode of the Lord in thoughtful

contemplation. There are days when I miss my colleagues, friends and
disciples terribly!  And Srila Prabhupada, I miss the people too. I really
do; all those hundreds and thousands of inquisitive souls who graced
our festivals year after year in Poland, America, Brazil, South Africa,
Australia – the list goes on and on. Without them my life is empty, no
matter what I do.  I think it’s the hardest part of this situation. I pray to
the Lord to watch over and protect them too. When I am affected by
such feelings of empathy I remember your words, Srila Prabhupada,
which give solace to my soul:
 

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“Once when a cowherd boy named Vrsabha was collecting flowers from
the forest to prepare a garland to be offered to Krsna, the sun reached its
zenith, and although the sunshine was scorching hot, Vrsabha felt it to
be like the moonshine. That is the way of rendering transcendental
loving service to the Lord; when devotees are put into great difficulties –
even like the Pandavas, as described above – they feel all their miserable
conditions to be great facilities for serving the Lord.”

[ Nectar of Devotion, Chapter 42 ]

 
Srila Prabhupada, I’ll return to my studies now. I have a large pile of
your books on the desk in front of me waiting to be read again and
again as I pass this unusual time in “solitary bhajan.” But behind the
books is a quotation in a frame on the wall that is very dear to my heart,
a quotation that I glance at several times throughout the day and which
inevitably causes a tear or two to fall from my eyes:
 
“The fortunate town of Navadvipa remains on the earth. The seashore
remains. The city of Jagannatha Puri remains. The holy names of Lord
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Krsna remain. But alas, alas! I do not see anywhere the same kind of
festival of pure love for Lord Hari. O Lord Caitanya, O ocean of mercy,
will I ever see Your transcendental glory again?” 
 
[ Srila Prabodhananda Sarasvati, Sri Caitanya-candramrita, Chapter 12 –
Verse 140 ]
 
Forever your servant,
Indradyumna Swami