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    206 views8 pages

    2008 Serano Why Nice PDF

    Uploaded by

    fasiqemuallan

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    © All Rights Reserved
    Download as PDF or read online from Scribd
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    of 8
    es cans es Wil ive in cakure where violence to our besutflly embodied Selves is aceptable and expected. The antidotes to shame are af fication and celebration. We can and we do gather t0 mourn our loses, resist our opprestors and celebrate our passionate and ov ing selves, We need to ae one another's sick, sky, messy, nd miraculous humanity in every posible way. We need eo ce: ‘bate often, and well Notas yearly and in lange gtherngs, but day by day and person to person, Shame isthe fit betray, but love an, and will overcome I yu war tore rare out HERE AN GLEE, 2: * hai Fes ta When Final Cares: Suv est Res te ‘Le ai Peron ans hy en Gi ih Last rm V yu war treat are cout MH TABOO ABOUT NOTHING, by * ow Bs You Fuck Ft Wer? KATE MAG "ne eu alo Whar: A Comerain wh Three Gx Wertars an Souslty Eneorerere. ante day o SMH LPL MAR PASS ‘suns yu ware treat more about SURUUINS TOES, Soc Wer Fg Foro MSTA Meta + eg Mba A Persons Say fae, Veo, a Sizetepes er ‘Seve rosa WT Why Nice Guys Finish Last rn SeRANo SexUALIZATION aD neMAADATION haunt all of us who move fhvough the world as women, Ihave had men talk over me, speak down to me, and shout angry at me when Pve redo deflect thei unwanted pases. Strange men have hurled call nd sexe innendos at me, and have graphically described what they ike 10 do with me a pass by them on city sees Pe also survived an attempted date rape. And fanly, I consider myself lacky that nothing more serious than that has happened to me. Nesdless to say, like ll women, Ihave a great icerest ia bringing an end to rape clare “Having said that, being tansexual—having had the expe ence of navigating my way trough the world as mae prior fo my transition to female—bas given me a somewhat diferent tke on ‘ape culture than the view tha soften taken for granted amoag many csgender (Le, non-ransgender) women. From my perspec tive much of the existing cherie used to describe and theorize sexual harassment, abuse, and rape is, unfortanatly, med inthe concep of “unilateral sexisn”—that i, che eli that mea ace the ‘oppressors and women ae the opprste, end of sory. ves means yet Some of hose who bay int wits sexisn believe chat men are inherent oppressive, dominating, and violent. Oters believe ‘hat the problem is ooted in patriarchy and mal socialization eon ‘pirng to condition mento become sexual predators. While theres certainly Some tuth to dhe ides that men a socialized to be sex ally agressive, even predatory, this not the only force a workin thei lives, Male children and renages ze alto regulisly and ex ply reminded thar sey shouldbe respect of girls and women, and ace often punished severely for picking on, or “playing rough” with, due female pees. Further, the men-arejust-scilied hat ‘way argument fails o explain the counles men who never sexually sbuse or haras women in thei lifetime ‘The euch that rape cult sa mindset that affects each and very one of ws, shaping how we view and respond to the world, sd ereaing double binds or both women and men all this phe. nomenon the predatoipeey mind, and within i men can only ‘ver be viewed as sexual aggressors and women a sexual objec “The predatorprey mindset creates many ofthe double stan lauds thar exis in how we view female verse male sexualy. Foe ‘example on numerous occasions I've heard heterovexval female fcends of mine ople some man and make comments about how he has asic ass. While one could certainly make the case that such iscusions are “obecifying” or sexual,” what erkes me i ‘hat they don’ fel that wy But fT were to overhear a group of ‘mea make the exact same comments about 8 woman, they would fool very diferent. They would fel sexualicing. Similarly, ia mae high schoolteacher were to have sex with one of his female teenage sadens, we would ll be apple. The incideor woul cleanly fee saratory ape tous, However, when the roles are reversed—when the adult teacher is female and the teenage student i male—ie general fee ike «completely der ent thing o us. Wie it sll is the definition of attory rape, 28 Wo ice aye Le we often have problems mustering up the feng thatthe boy has ‘ben violated or abused In fae, afer one recent high-pofle case, comedian Bill Mabec joked that uch recnage boys ae “lucy,” and the aience broke int auger. ‘What sheseancedores reveal is that the predatr/peey mindset essentially ensures that men cannot be viewed as legitimate sexual objets, nor can women be viewed as lgtimae sexual aggesor. ‘This has the effect of rendering iavsble instances of man‘on man ‘and womas-on-woman seal hrssitent and abuse, and it maken the dea of woman-on-man rape tel inconceivable. I's lio why ‘women canna simply "tun the tables” and begin sexualizng men Auer al if woman were to shou catals ata man, or were to ich guy's as ashe walked by, her ations woulda’ mean the ‘sme thing as they would if the roles were severed Her acione would likely be een a suggestive and slaty, rather than iii ing and predatory. Because of the predatocprey mindset, when & woman does act na sexually active or aggresive way, she generally not viewed at * sexual aggressor, but rather as opeing herself up to Being sem lly objected by others, This i why rape tals have historically <éveled on wheter the woman in question was dressed ina reves. ing or provocative fashion, of whether she et with the man pe ‘ately and soon. Ise i any ofthese things, thea ikly to view her a nvking her own sexualizcion, as “asking for it” The desing assumption is that women shoud simply know biter ‘ey should recognize shat they are prey and men ave predators, nd they should ae “appropriately.” What shouldbe becoming increasingly clearis thatthe predator! ‘rey mindser enables the vigiawhore double bind chat feminists have long ben slving against. Women, as prey, are expected 10 Play down their sextaliy—eo hide or reps it, Good gi, afer all ate supposed to be “virgin” Women wio do not downplay cc a cae ac ‘or ropes ther sxualiies—tha i, who do not at like prey—aze viewed stereonpically as “whoces.” As stereotypes, both “virgin” and “whore” are diempowering, because chey bot fame female sexuality interms ofthe predatetpey mindset. Thisis why ela ing thee sexuality hasbeen sch a double-edged sword for women 1a woman embraces her sexual, st maybe personaly empower ing for her, bu se sill has wo deal with the fact that others will project he “whore” erotype ont he and atsume that he’s ine ing mal secuaization. In other words a woman may be personally ‘empowered, bu shes not seen as being sexually powerful and si onomousin the cular at age In onde for that o happen, we as Individuals must bea to challenge our own (es well as oter poo les) perceptions and imerpeetaios of gender. We most all move ‘beyond viewing the world through the preditonpeey mide. “Todo that, we mus examine an ese that hs tradtonally «ved far less atenton: the ways ia which the predatorprey mind set complicates the lives of men Tras pcepctves (cote of tans ‘women, tans men, and ater tranigender-spectam people) can be realy vical inthis regard, 2 many of us have had the experience of moving through the world as both women and men at different ins incur ives, and thas can conser the male position without undermining or dismissing female perspecives (and vie vera). Jn thinking about ches sues, raw heavy on my own experiences bing ried a8 boy, and 2 young adit who was viewed by oth rs sa beerosexual man (as Tam primarily atracted to women) Iti not my intention ro speak on behalf of ll mea, both Because eve fly denied as male athe time, and also because I had & ‘very specific and privileged male extence (or example, Lam white and middleclass), will take the experiences of ocr tans flls 0d cagender ment film the whole pire. Jus 2 ei dill for women ro navigate thie way theough the world given the fact chat they are nonconsensully viewed a¢ re, ts often cific for men to move through «world in which they are nonconsensually viewed at predators, When Iwas male ‘odie, was nor uncommon for women to cos the suet if was walkiag behind them a nigh, orto have female rangers mis ‘ecpet innocent things tha I sai os unsolicited sexual advances ising Think, tht Thad to deal with the predator seeotype espe che fact that my appearance was about as unheeatening 2 epee I wat & ery small and snmascunelandeogyaous man Bigger and more masculine appearing men have to deal with this stereotype much mote than Iver did Perhaps no issue exacecbater the male predator sereorype more than race I have heard veal trans men of color say chat they fe chat the mae privilege they ‘nave gained sine tansiaing hasbeen very much ofe by the n- eased visibility and the societal stereotypes of black men as pred ‘ors that others are constanly projecting ono them. ‘While the predator sterenype affects men’s inerctions with ‘women, it probably has an even grester impact on thee interac: ‘ons with chien, When Iwas male-bodied found that iT were ‘o ioteratenthasiastialy with children, women would often give me diny looks. A trans male aequineace of mine recently cold ‘me that the greatest lat he experienced upon transitioning fom female to male was his abiity to interact feey and enhusas ‘ally with children. He teaches young cilden and has found that he's had vo moet his whole approach for example, keping more stance and not beng as efasive o ffectionete with hi stadents 4 before—in order to avoid other adults viewing htm 2s creepy or suspect. Obriousy, men make up the overwhelming majority of sexual predators. But that doesnot mean tha all men are necessarily ex ‘al predators Is important for we to keep in mind thatthe men sspredator serotype is exetly thats seeorype—and exter obsacles thar all men mast navigate whether they ace predators ‘or nt. This is especially te for those men who ate adcionaly marginalized with regard co rae and clas. Given how destructive and injuring sexs abuse and violence are those who experience them, Lwoula’t date suggest tha tthe (potential or actus) ‘ictn’s fale for propagating thes stereotypes, At the same time, the trth that we cannot hepato have an honest discussion about how so dismantle rape cute ules we ae wiling to acknowledge the negative impact shat this stereotype has on those men who are ot predatory. “The predator stercrype alo compliates and constrins male sexuality. While many feminiss have discussed how the sexual bjeclprey stereotype creates a double bind for women in which they can only ever be viewed a either “vegas” or "whores," not enough have considered how the sexual agresorpredatorsero- ‘ypemight create sma double bind for men. Having experienced this dilemma mysel fisthand Ihave come to sft it for reasons that willbe clear im a momeat) asthe assholesice guys double bind. “Assholes” are men who fulfil he men-a-sexual-aggressors stereotype; nie guys” are the ones who ese or exchew i. ‘Jost es women receive mined messages in our cultare—some encouraging them 0 be “viging,” osbers encouraging them ro be ‘whores"—men ceive simular mixed messages. As I allded co calc, male children often redve lots of explicit encouragement to be respectful of women, Even in adthood, men who make ba- tantly sexi comments oF who sages (mixed company at as) that women are “oaly good for one thing” will often be looked down upon or taken to task frit. So when t comes to thee for ‘mal tocialzaton,boysmen receive plenty af encouragement be nie gure” “The problem shat boyfnen recive conflicting messages from socity at lege. This informal socilzation comes mostly fom the meanings snd expectations that are regulary projected onto 0, women and men, especialy inthe media snd within the context of heerosexial relationships. Jost a women ate expected to fulfil the serotype of being sexual objects in onde o gin male attention, ‘men ae expected to fll the sexual aggresiorstereorypein onder ‘0 ein female attention, In ocher word, they have 0 act ike as sholes.” Granted, this se soe inal suatons For example in the progressive, ats, and/or quer circles iit nowadays, men ‘who ar like“ascholes" don't ge ver fr But inthe heterosexual ‘maisteam cular, men who wnapogetically act ike “assholes” tend to thrive hit ell confused me in my late tens and young adulthood. ‘had los of close female fiends bak then, and it always used t0 bum me out wien they would completely fll ora guy doing the “asshole” routine: acting confident othe point of being cocky, be ing sexsally forward if nox downright pathy, and relentlessly teas ‘ng gts ina junior high schooleeque way with the expectation that they would smile and ggae i reponse. It always semed re ally contrived rome. suppose Iwas privy to inside information: ‘nad the experience of interacting regal with many of those same ‘men a # ma (nota woman), and in those stations they did noe act aay as cocky or presumptive a dismissive roward me a they id around women they were icerested in Anyway, time and time again my female frends woud fl for fm ashole and then be crushed because he never called her the ‘ext day, as he'd promised, or because he started bragging to his uy fiends about his “sexual conquest” or aca he red push ‘hing long faster and farher sexually than she was wiling to Bo. Sometimes afte being hace by some sole,” my Feral fends ‘would come rome for advice oo be consoled. They came o me because Iwasa nce guy." fo their eyes, Iwas safe. Respect Harmless. Sometimes daring these post“asthole" conversations, ny frends would go on tizade about how all men ae jerks and cannot be eased or they'd ask, "Why cae find guy who wil treat me with espect?® Whenever they dd chs, would point out thac there are los of guys who are not ers, who are respetl of women. P'd even name afew. Upon hearing he names I suggested, ny fends would invaciably say something like “I doa’ find hen reac” or “thin of him mote a friend.” Jase as women who refse to ply the role of sexual objet ‘often fil to aneact male attention, “nice guys” who refuse play the role of sexual agsesor typically fil to attrac feral tention, (Note that Pim nr speaking here of the sype of man refered to in the feminis logoaphere ata Nice Gy, who ithe sor of man who argues tat being 2 “nice guy” ents him to sex with whomever he ‘wants, thus revealing himself tobe merely « oseted “ashole.*) Ia high school and colege, Thad several male end whe, apparently concerned with the Lack of action I was geting, lierily tld me ‘that women like i when guy act ike “asshole.” Fr them it wae just something one did to atsact women. Aad as much a hate to sami it it generally seemed tobe rue, During my college yeas, watched a number of “sie gos" transform into “assholes.” And ‘when they did, women suddenly became interested in them. The most stunning transformation I witnessed wasn this guy who lived In my dos, whom Fl call Ei. Freshman and sophomore yes, he was 2 supersweer and respectful guy. Despite the fact that he was fly good-looking, women were noc geneeally intrested in him, Somewhere around junior yea, he sodden bean ating like an “assole” (around women, a eae Instead of engaging women in conversations ashe used to), he would instead relentlessly tease ‘hem. The things he would sy sounded realy dismissive tome, but fen the imended recipient would us giggle in respons, Suddenly he was picking women up at partes, and Pd occasionally ovr hear women who never knew Eric back when he was “nice guy” lacssing how cate they shove he was ry ee Gi Fen ba The ls sme I saw Eric wae abour wo years ater college We had boch moved to New York City ands mutual friend camp op £2 ise and suggested that well go out together. The ba that we went to was really crowded, and a one point, rie started talking about how in situations lik his, he woud sometimes fol is sms actos is chest and subey grope women as they walked by. Between the fact thatthe bar was so crowded and the way he eld he arms ro obscure his bands, women werent able to figure out that it was sc. Upon hearing this, walked out ofthe bar, appalled “The reason I ell his story is hat tcompicates many ofthe ‘existing presumptions regarding the origin of rape clre. Some have soggsted char mea are biologically programmed tobe sexual predators. The exitence of Exc (and others like him) challenges thar argument because, feral, he was “ace guy” for moto his life until about the age of rwenty—wel afer his sex drive kicked in Esc challenges overly simplistic menare-scialised-to-bethat-way arguments for the same reason: He made to early adulthood—wel beyond his formative childhood and tenageyeart—before becom: ing an “asthole* le would be realy hard to make the eat tha Erie became asexual predator because he was influenced by medi ia gery or pornography, or becaus his male pers pged him on Like said, lived in dhe same dorm as he di snd ever once aw any _2uys teasing him for being 2 “aie guy” or coercing im into being fan “asshole.” I would argue that the primary reason Eric became sexually aggressive was that e was interested in atracting women ‘And, a5 with many men, once Eric began dcespecting women on regular bai, he lines berween firing and harassment, beeen sex and violation, berween consentual and nonconsensual, became ‘ared or unimportant him. Noto sound corny, but we all want the same things fe to ‘in other people's ateation, tobe adored, to be sexually desired, ‘tobe intimate with people we find tractive, and o have gest ex. In a culture where women are geneclly viewed as sexual objets some women will ake on that role inorder o gain attention and to el desiable. By she ame ren, in 2 world where men ae only ver viewed as sevualaggessoes, some men wil take on chat role in ‘order to gan atetion and o fee desabl, So long as he pedator prey mindset predominate anda demand remains for women and ‘men to fall those stereorpes, Irae percentage of people will continue to gravitate toward chem, ‘This is why singletac soltions to abolish rape culure wil always fal. For insance, many people in both the poli! religous Right, ar well ar many ani: pornography feminists sem x0 take what call the “vega” approach. Their line of reasoning oes sommehing ike this Becsuse men are predators, we should dsex sliae women in the ealkare by, for example, banning pornography and discouraging repeeserations of women [whether media may ey or etal women) that eters ca inrerpet a sexually arousing or objetiving. Ths approach not only ie sexually repressive and lxempowerng for many women, but tls enforces the dea that men ate predators and women are prey In oher word, reais the very system hat it hopes to dismantle T also ge fasted by people who think thar is simply up to male allies to callout those men who are sexist or dscespoct ful of women. While this approach can have some postive eft Telive that any cisgender women overestimate its potent. First off, it essentially makes the “nice guys" sponsible fr plic ing the “assholes.” This overlook the fat that inthe heerosexoal mainstream, “assholes” aze seen a8 being higher up in the soil pecking onder than “nice guys.” As a result a ice guy” ellng fut an “atshole” about how be needs to be more cespectl of ‘women ten to have as much social clout a ifthe geeky gi ia class were to lestre the cheerleaders about how they shoulda’ play dumb and giggle at every je thatthe poplar boys mak, 28, Woy Nes Ge Fon ae Such comments, when they are made, are often ignored o outright dismissed, Furthermore, ve experienced number of stations in my life (e4 bigh school locker rooms) where I honesty did not eel safe enough to protest the sexist comments that some boys and men ake. Afterall, one ofthe ways in which dhe hierarchical status quo is maintained in male cice i through the threat of| physical intimidation and violence. Any attempts o critique mea for being sexually gazes, or to critique women fr fling the role of sexual objet, wil havea very limited effec. These tacts, afterall, ail to address the eri] Jars of demand. So long as hetrosexsl women are atacted to men who act ike aggressors and heterosexual men are atracted to women who act ike objets, people wil continue to fll those roles. In contrat, ergues that challenge why individuals desire sterotypcl “sex objets” and “sexual aggressors” sem tome to et closer othe r0t ofthe problem. have heard many feminists critique men who prefer women ‘that fall the sexual objet stereoype. Many ofthese eriques (igh, chink sugges thatthe man in question mot be rome: ‘what shallow or isecureif he's willing to sete for vrseone whom the doesnot view as his nellsral and emotional equal, What 1 have seen far ess of are eriques of women who are strated to ssl aggresive men. Perhaps this stems in pare fom the bel that such comments might be misimterpreed as blaming worsen for enabling the sexual abuse they receive at the hands of men. ‘While can understand this elucence, I nevertheless feel that iti ‘a mistake wo ignore this issue, given the fat that many men become sexual aggresiors primary if not solely, ater the atetion of women. Is fac, if beteroserual women suddenly decided en masse that “nice guys” are far sexier than “ssthole” it wood create & huge shift inthe predatorpeey dynamic. While I woulda suggest ‘hat such a change would complealy climate ape o sexual abuse mm. res cans ves because thee are clesly other societal forest work here, Ido belive chase would realy eeduce che number of men wha harass nd dsespect women ona daily basis. “Those feminists who have erigued the tendency of women to be atacted to sexually aggresive men often cefer othe phenom ‘enon as "internalized misogyny.” In othee words they presume that beause women have bees socialized to take sit fem men, they have become conditioned ro continually seek out men who will ‘reat them ike shit, Personally, find this explanation ansatisying, 1 don’ hin that women are attracted to sexual aggressors because they believe that those men wil teat them lke shit Rhee they tend o be aeacted to ther aspects of sexual aggresiors, and only later become disappointed by the way they are eated This phenomenon is more accurately viewed ae a form of “ex- teralzed misogyny.” There ar lot of subliminal meanings uit ico the predaovprey mindset: thar men ae aggressive and women ‘ace passive, tha men are strong and women ate weal, that men sa rebellions and women ae harmles, and soon It sno aesident that the meanings associated with women are typically viewed at Infcior to, of lamer than, those asociated with en. Given this context, would argue chat “nice guys” are generally read a ema ulated or efeminized men in ou cular. Ina world where calling ‘aman “sensitive” is viewed a pejorative, the very act of showing respect for women often disqualifies 2 male from being seen a & “real man." believe tht this sa major eeason why many hetero sexual women ae nt sexually ineresed in “nice guy.” | think tae women who azeatracted o sexual agtesons ae primi deawn tothe rebellious, bad-boy image they projec Image char essentially ui ito our cull ies of malenes. “Theo thing is chat for many men, falling the aggressor coe rep resents the path of least resistance, How rebeiou an it be oll ice guys" onthe othe hand, ae rebellions, atleast, 8, in one sens: They buck the system and ease 1o seduce themselves tothe predator stereotype time that we begin to recognize and

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