with nof enough drawings by Ronald SearleToo Many Songs by Tom Lehrer ‘The subversive songs of Tom Lehrer, the mathematics teacher and sage who gave us ‘Be Prepared’, ‘Poisoning Pigeons in the Park’ and other family favourites, have corrupted millions of people and been totally ignored by millions more. The global dissemination of his dubious threnodies over the past few decades may be blamed on his record albums and live performances and, more recently, on the stage revue, Tomfoolery, which was spawned in London in 1980 and has since spread to many other Lehrer-speaking countries. This unnecessarily comprehensive collection of his songs includes the words and music (including piano accompaniments and guitar chords) of most of the songs from his three record albums, Songs by Tom Lehrer, An Evening Wasted with Tom Lehrer, and That Was the Year That Was, as well as three additional songs.Too Many Songs by Tom Lehrer With not enough drawings by Ronald Searle Piano arrangements by Tom Lehrer and Frank Metis MethuenPublished by Methuen 1999 9108 First published in Great Britain by Methuen in 1981 First published in paperback by Mandarin Paperbacks in 1991 This edition published by Methuen Publishing Limited ‘215 Vatshall Bridge Road, London sw te) Copyright © 1981 Tom Lehrer lustrations copyright © 1981 Ronald Searle “Methuen Publishing Limited Reg, No. 3543167 ACCP catalogue record for this book ‘available from the British Library sy 0413 74230 Printed in Great Britain by St Edmundsbury Press Ld, Bury St Edmunds, Suffolk hapa a ein Rercerecon Seneslriy agers, reueubaceacnrat stuart Eieaii recente cientsContents Foreword Part One: From Songs by Tom Lehrer The Irish Ballad Be Prepared Fight Fiercely, Harvard The Old Dope Peddler The Wild West is Where I Want To Be 1 Wanna Go Back to Dixie Lobachevsky The Hunting Song 1 Hold Your Hand in Mine My Home Town. When You Are Old and Gray The Wiener Schnitzel Waltz Part Two: From An Evening Wasted with Tom Lehrer Poisoning Pigeons in the Park The Masochism Tango A Christmas Carol The Elements Bright College Days She's My Girl In Old Mexico We Will All Go Together When We Go Part Three: From That Was the Year That Was, etc. National Brotherhood Week MLF Lullaby The Folk Song Army Smut 10 2 15 18, 20 24 28 30 33 36 40 49 50 55 60 63 72 81 89 93. 100Send the Marines New Math Pollution So Long, Mom Who's Next? Wernher von Braun 1Got It From Agnes Silent E LY The Vatican Rag Discography Index of Song Titles 106 109 12 116 120 124 126 130 134 139 142 144Foreword ‘The songs in this book were written between World Wars Il and IIL, and all but three of them are from the three LPs I recorded during that memorable period in history. Most of them were intended at the time of conception either as takeoffs on various song types of the day, particularly the more sentimental species, or as commentaries on current events, so that I regarded them as fugacious ephemera which by now should have been of artifactual interest only to scholars (although in what field I can’t imagine). Itis therefore a source of considerable delight to me that publication of this agglomeration should be warranted at all at this late date. Any royalties will naturally be a source of even greater delight. Thre of the songs are not from my three records. Two of them, ‘Silent E’ and ‘L-Y’, were written in the early seventies for an American television series called The Electric Company, which was produced by the Children’s Television Workshop in a desperate attempt to help young children to learn to read. An animated film accompanied each song. The third, ‘I Got It From Agnes’, is a recently revised version of a song I used to perform in night clubs in the fifties but did not record because it was what was called in those days a ‘party song’, i.e., a bit naughty. Today, of course, even though the revision made it naughtier, its innocence borders on naiveté. The musical congeries that follows owes its existence in part to a rather curious event. Anintrepid but not entirely rational young British producer named Cameron Mackintosh took it into his head that what had previously been done to every songwriter from Jacques Brel to Stephen Sondheim might be done to me, namely, a stage production embalming my old songs. The result was revue entitled Tomfoolery, which opened in London in 1980 and has since been produced in various other cities throughout the world without any noticeable ill effects. All the songs used in that show are in this book, including certain alternate lyrics which I wrote for the show. Revisiting these lighthearted and heavy-handed songs (some say it's the other way around) was somewhat like looking at one’s own baby pictures: was that me? (Before I began spending so much time in California, I would have said ‘Was that I?’) | haven't written any songs of this type lately and probably won't be doing so, so this volume may be regarded asa definitive agglutination. (Well-wishers, however, are constantly suggesting hilarious subject matter, such as the Viet Nam war, the gradual destruction of the environment, our recent presidents, etc., so that I have often felt like a resident of Pompeii who has been asked for some humorous comments on lava.) Anyway, what good are laurels if you can’t rest on them? This is my first foreword, so please forgive me if I'm not doing it right. I believe one is supposed to thank people, but I can’t think of anyone. Except you, of course. April 1981 ‘Tom LehrerPART ONE From Songs by Tom LehrerThe Irish Ballad Words and Music by Tom Lehrer Authentically 1. % - bout a maid rll sing a song, Sifg rick-e - ty-tick-e - ty - rick-e - ty-tick-e = ty - 2. One) morning in a fit’ of pique, Sing mf A= bout a maid ll sing a song Who did- n't have her One morning in a* fit of pique, She drowned her fa - ther om, x — SSS + long, Not on = ly did she do them wrong, She Me "the creck, The wa + ter tast - ed bad for a week, And we © 1952. & 1984 Tom Lohse. Copyieht reneweddid ev'=ry=one of them in, ——— had to make do with — gin, atempo Verses 1 thr Dm e Dm did ev'-ry-one of them in. had to make do__._ with gin. 3. Her mother she could never stand, Sing rickety-tickety-tin, Her mother she could never stand, And so a cyanide soup she planned. ‘The mother died with the spoon in her hand, And her face in a hideous grin, a grin, Her face in a hideous grin. 4. She set her sister's hair on fire, Sing rickety-tickety-tin, She set her sister's hair on fire, And as the smoke and flame rose high'r, Danced around the funeral pyre, Playing a violin, -olin, Playing a violin. She weighted her brother down with stones, Sing rickety-tickety-tin, She weighted her brother down And sent him off to Davy Jones. All they ever found were some bones, And occasional pieces of skin, of skin, Oceasional pieces of skin. stones, ae 6, One day when she had nothing to do, Sing rickety-tickety-tin, One day when she had nothing to do, She cut her baby brother in two, ‘And served him up as an Irish stew, ‘And invited the neighbors in, -bors in, Invited the neighbors in. 7. And when at last the police came by, Sing rickety-tickety-tin, And when at last the police came by, Her little pranks she did not deny, ‘To do So, she would have had to lie, And lying, she knew, was a sin, a sin, Lying, she knew, was a sin. 8. My tragic tale I won't prolong, Sing rickety-tickety-tin, My tragic tale I won't prolong, And if you do not enjoy my song, You've yourselves to blame If it's too long, ‘You should never have let me begin, begin, ‘You should never have let me begin. nBe Prepared Words and Music by Tom Lehrer ‘Trustworthily, loyall friendlily, ete oy crese. poco a poco oa c Gaim 1. Be pre - pared: That's the Boy Scouts’ march-ing song, @. Be pre -)paredi_ That's the Boy Scouts’ sol-emn creed, ‘As through life you march a - long. Be pre - pared to hold your And be clean in word and deed. Don't so = lic - it, for_your 12 © 1953 & 1954 Tom Lehr. Copyright renewedliquor. pret -ty Don't write naughty words on sis-ter, that's not —) Un- less you get a good per - gee G Gt c walls if you can't spell. Be pre=pared! To hide that cent-age of her Be_pre ~ pared! And be —_— Gaim pack of cig - a ~ rettes, Don't make book r care-ful not to do | Your_good deeds you when there's — can not cov-er bets. Keep those reefers hid - den whereyou're sure that ‘ngczone watch-ing you. If you're look-ing for ad - ven-ture of @F ct to smoke them when the Girl Scout who is And be care~ful not they will not be found, ‘And you come a= cross a new and dif-frent kind, c br G o seot-mae-ter's a- round, For he on-ly will In - sist that they be SrniZiarciy im 2 clined, Don't be nervous, don't be flus-tered, don't beFight Fiercely, Harvard! Words and Music by Tom Lehrer Loyally Sf marcato 1. Fight fisree - ly, fight, fight, fight! (2. Fight) fierce - ly, fight, fight, fight! Dem-on-strateto them our pressthemwith our prow-ess, None -the-less we Be of stout heart __ © 1953 & 1954 Tom Lehr. Copyright renewed 15How we shall eet f e- Come on, chaps, fight ___ for Ent ar We shall in - vite Won't it be peach * for tea. (How jol-ly!) Hurl that the game? (Oh, good-y!) Let's try teed Ev Ag z ET fight, = roid down the field, not to in - jure them, Fese. poco a poco 16a G__(Spoken) Dé. ET fight! Let's not be rough, though! cresc. poco a poco (Sune yy br G__ (Spoken) Dme ET Fight, fight! And do fight fierce-Iys (sum o ¢ » .¢ Fight,The Old Dope Peddler Words and Music by Tom Lehrer Wistfully be sempre legato When the shades of night are fall-ing, comes a ou will find him, = a - ry. It's the old ped-dler, spread-ing neigh bor ~ hood. It's the old ped-dler’ — do- ing joy wher -ev-er he well by do ~ ing 18 © 1953 & 1954 Tom Leber. Copyright renewedgives the kids free sam-ples, be- cause he knows full ‘That to- se - 2 pt Dm? day's young in-no-cent {a - ces will be to-mor-row's cli-en - tele. + 2% rs | c Bo? ar Dm Gt c cure for all your trou-bles, here's an end to all dis- tress. It's the be # pees 1 fr f Tr ctaim pm coo Cc, with his pow-deredhap~ pi - ness. esThe Wild West is Where I Want To Be Words and Music by Tom Lehrer Westerly ng Br. He abe Along the trail you'll find me lop - in’ ‘Where the spa-ces are wide id the) sage-brush and the cac-tus I'll wateh the fel-lers c | a tempo ED Ebdim cr © - pen, In the of the old prac- tice’ Drop-pin' through the clean Po? 20 (© 1953 & 1954 Tom Lehrer. Copyright renewedFr BT Bb Bb’ Where the sce-ner-y's _ at - trac-tive And TM have on my som-bre - ro. And € % F » fe air is ra-di-o - ac-tive, Oh, the wild west is where I want course I'll wear a pair o' Le-vis 0 ver my ae Ab By will leave the cit - y's rush, Leave theED Boms cr By fan-cy and the plush, Leave the snow and leave the slush, And Eb BT ”» will seek the des - ert's BT Pd Bhmé hush, Where the sce-ner-y is lush,Eo Abs Bb Ebdim yue-cas and the this-tles I'll watch the guid-ed —mis-siles, Whilethe == Ab soon make my ap-pear-ance (Soon as I can get my clearance),'Causethe west is where I want ritard, © creseI Wanna Go Back to Dixie Words and Music by Tom Lehrer A little too fast Edim FT % Bb Fr Bo 1 wan-na go back to Dix-le Take me back to dear ol’ wan-na go back to Dix-ie Twan-na be a Dix-ie Dix-ie, That's the pix-ie And eat on-ly li'l ol place for 1i'1 ol! corn-pone till it's com-in' out of my Bot ED Edim Bb there are not for - got -ten, Whup-Pin’ slaves and sellin’ cot-ton, And talk with South-ern gen-tle-men And put__my white sheet on a-gain, I 4 © 1953 & 1954 Tom Lenses. Copyright renewedBb o nm wait-in' for the 5 —— av'was nev-er thdre on tinfe.) ri ain't seen one good ‘The poco rit Bb Bb? go back to the Swa-nee Wherepel-lag-ra makes you scraw-ny, land of the boll wee -vil, Where the laws are me-di - e- val, Eb Sb/e Bb Bdim FT hon-ey-suck-le clut-ters up the —_ vine. call-in’ me to comeandnev-er-more roam. — atempo Baim To Coda @ By Fn a real-ly am a - fix - in’ Togo home and start a go back to the South-land, That y'Tow that Ma - son - (Spoken) Won't - cha BbT Eb Ebm Bb Bb? Eb Epm come with me to Al- a-bam-my,Back to the arms of my dear ol” Mam-my, Her 2 BOT Eb Ebm Bp Bb what the hell, it’s home.(Sung)¥es, for cook-in’s lous = y and her hands are clam-my, But Slower dise the South-land is Jes’ giveD.S. al Coda Fdim x me a ham hock and a grit of ‘shet-ma - mouth’ land, Be Back to tempo Ab crLobachevsky by Tom Lehrer (Note: Most of the following is meant to be spoken rather than sung, freely in some cases and shythmically in Gihers. The specific aecompaniment used by the author on his recording would require too many pages to write out Lind is therefore omitted. Prospective performers of the piece are advised to heed its basic precept and plagirize the author's version.) (The author would like to state that although Nicolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky (1793-1856) was a genuine, and indeed ‘minent, mathematician, the peccadillos attributed to him herein are not substantiated by history. The format of {hin song was suggested by a Danny Kaye Sylvia Fine routine entitled ‘Stanslavsky’, and the name of the protagonist was chosen for purely prosodic reasons.) (Spoken) Who made me the genius Tam today, ‘The mathematician that others all quote, Who's the professor that made me that way? ‘The greatest that ever got chalk on his coat. (Sung) One man deserves the credit, One man deserves the blame, And Nicolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky is his name. Hit Nicolai Ivanovich Lobach ~ (Spoken) | am never forget the day I first meet the great Lobachevsky. In one word he told me secret of success in mathematics: Plagiarize! Plagiarize, Let no one else's work evade your eyes, Remember why the good Lord made your eyes, So don't shade your eyes, But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize - Only be sure always to call it please 'research’ (Sung) And ever since I meet this man My life is not the same, And Nicolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky is his name. Hit Nicolai Ivanovich Lobach ~ (Spoken) 1 am never forget the day I am given first original paper to write. It was on analytic and algebraic topology of locally Euclidean metrization of infinitely differentiable Riemannian manifold. Bozhe mol! This I know from nothing. But I think of great Lobachevsky and get idea - ahah! (Sung) Thave a friend in Minsk, Who has a friend in Pinsk,Whose friend in Omsk Has friend in Tomsk With friend in Akmolinsk. His friend in Alexandrovsk Has friend in Petropavlovsk, Whose friend somehow Is solving now The problem in Dnepropetrovsk. And when his work is done - Hahat - begins the fun. From Dnepropetrovsk To Petropavlovsk, By way of Illysk, And Novorossiysk, To Alexandrovsk to Akmolinsk ‘To Tomsk to Omsk ‘To Pinsk to Minsk ‘To me the news will run, Yes, to me the news will runt And then I write By morning, night, And afternoon, ‘And pretty soon ‘My name in Dnepropetrovsk is cursed, When he finds out I publish first, And who made me a big success And brought me wealth and fame? Nicolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky is his name. Hit Nicolai Ivanovich Lobach - (Spoken) 1 am never forget the day my first book is published. Every chapter I stole from somewhere else. Index I copy from old Vladivostok telephone directory. ‘This book was sensational! Pravda well, Pravda ~ Pravda said: (**) It stinks. But fzvestia! —Ievestia said: (**) It stinks. Metro-Goldwyn-Moskva buys movie rights for six million rubles, Changing title to "The Eternal Triangle’, With Ingrid Bergman playing part of hypotenuse. (Sung) And who deserves the credit ? And who deserves the blame ? Nicolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky is his name. Hit (°°) At each of these two junctures one should insert some phrase in Russian (if the audience does not speak Russian) or some Russian double-talk (if does), The author's own choices varied from performance to performer, ranging from the merely inappropriate to the distinctly obscene, 29The Hunting Song Words and Music by Tom Lehrer = blithely 3 Bo pan cr cr Fr afways will re-mem-ber, "Twas 2 year a-go No-vem-ber, I went tp mood to. tri-fle, I took down my trust-y ri- fle And went a Se totuieime deer Ona morn-ing bright and clear. went and shot the haul 1) made that day: I _ tied them to my out to stalk my prey. What a ct Bb Bom FE F SS a mmarei-mum thegameTaws would al - low, Two game war-dens, sev-en hunt-ers,and a feneder and I drovethem home some-how, Two game war-dens, sev-en hunt-ers,and a © 1953 & 1954 Tom Leer. Copyright renewed 30Fr __@_ ii Pr Et law was ver-y firm, it a Took a-way my per - mit, The worst pun-ish-ment I ev-er en - dured. It turned out there was a rea ~ son, Cowswere out of sea - son, And one of the hunt-ers was-n't in - sured. Peo-ple ask me how 1 oecr F cms DT (Spoken) do it, And I say'There's nothing to it, You just stand there looking cute, And when a Cc (Sung) Fr Bb some-thing moves, you shoot! And there's ten stuffed heads in my tro-phy room right ‘a tempo s Bom Er cu now, Two game war-dens, sev-en hunt-ers and aco rit tempo F FU Fdim _Bbm°/F F Guern - sey ;poco.a poco cresc.) =I Hold Your Hand in Mine Words and Music by Tom Lehrer Tenderly 2 poco rit. | a tempo bite from your dain ~ © 1953 & 1954 Tom Lehrer. Copyright renewedcr Db pre-cious = ve ~ mir, ____ The night Ab Eb Eb? AD Ab? real - ly don't know why, ——__ 34I get blood - stains on = my oF F ! r ch oF Ft Tm sor - ry now 1 killed you, for our 2 —, Fr FT Bb Bbm was some - thing fine, And till they come to 2 2 £ 2 a Gn e P ky shall hold your hand z £ © ‘poco a poco ritafd >My Home Town Words and Music by Tom Lehrer Nostalgically ft : i c I real ~ ly have a yen To go back once a - gain, Back (The) guy that taught us math, Who never took a bath, ‘Ac ~ i c Am Dm ar to the place where no-one wears a frown, To see once quired a cer -tain meas-ure of re - nown, And af - ter 36 © 1953 & 1954 Tom Lehrer. Copyright renewedmore those su - per- Spe - cial just plain folks School he. sold the most a -maz- ing pie-tures Sin fy home my home in c Chim Dm? ce c Am No fellow cOuld ig-nore ‘The ‘Thgt fellow was no fool Who Dm? ar c Am sure looked Sweet in her first eve ~ ning lit - tle girl next door, She yd - ly Par ~ son taught our Sun ~ day School, And nei-ther was our Dm? a FR Br —— Now there's 2 charge for what she (Hun) — s 2 fed to give forCdim Fm6/c_c home T re-mem - ber I re-mem - ber re was ot And the drug-gist on the cOF= he was__the_vil - lage id - nev - er mean or or ~ ner~y, He was though it seems_a pit ~ y, it fe killed hfs He loved to sn ¢ as = = =| ae te ae s-Sinw ail grounerup rfal well, And. eprin-Wed Just a bit O-ver Dorn—down ousres ust to watehthe glow, And noth-ing could bedone *Cause he 35 aepe a c ba-na - na split. the _may-or's son. Dm ar mon-o-grammedhis wife, ‘Then dropped her in the pond and watched her in - deed, the peo-ple there are just plain * foeWhen You Are Old and Gray Words and Music by Tom Lehrer Liltingly a, mp sl ap - pre - ci - ate you, Let's find love — teeth will start to go, dear, Your waist will __ t fl? ? | io F4 DTsusé pr Am? pr D+ G When you are old Tl wish that you 40 © 1953 & 1954 Tom Lever. Copyright renewedyou love me here and now, m Mm nev - er love you _— then. at all The make the most of _ that. way 1 do to - da Say youlove and So please re- G Am Agaim er ” trust. me, For I know you'll dis - gust me When you're old and mem-ber, WhenI leave in De - cem- ber, 1 told you I ee entered 75 ee S| eaten! (Alternate:)* While en - May. 7 + The alternative version of the interlude was written for the 1980 revue Tomfoolery, in which it was sung by an older man to a younger man aINTERLUDE, c B ° Am, Eb? aw- de - bil-i-ty, A lessened ou - til-i-ty, (A joying our compat-i - bil-i-ty. I am cog-ni-zant of its fra-gil -i-t, And I vt G Gdim_ G loss Gf mo - bil-i-ty Is a strong pos - si ~ _bil-i-ty, Im question the ad-vis a bil -i-ty Of re- ly -ing on its du-ra- bil -i-t). Youre a- * abe all prob-a - bil-i-ty TM lose my vi - ril-i-ty | And ware of ‘my in-flex-i- bil -i- ty And my quin-tes-sen-tial vol-a ~ til-i-t And the Em " arms Dt C/E pr/re you your fer = til-i-ty Ami de ~ sir - a - bil-i-ty, Ai %Btal Yin con-celv-a'- bil 1 ~f¥ Of ‘my showing ‘gen-u-ine hu- mil-i = 19: Though your 42Eb’ this, > a - bil-i-ty of to - tal ste - ril-i-ty will un-de-ni - a-ble nu - bil -i = May ex ~ cuse a certain pu -er - il i- ty, Your al - lead to hos - til-i-ty Anda sense of = til-i-ty, So let's leg - ed in -dis-pen-sa - bil - i-tY — Un-der - e5-ti ~mates. my ver-sa-til-i-ty, And your ae ct 2d heim act with a - gil-i-ty While we still have fa - clf1-ty, Forwe'll Boye in “estes-pon -si S128) And Shar now! is charming fu-ve-nl =~ 8" Win D.S. al Fine $ Em AT At-5 DT C/E DT/FE soon reach se - nil-i-ty And lose the a ~ bil-i-ty. Your time lose their a - dor -a - bil i - ty And ap-pear much more like im-be-cil - 1-1: 43The Wiener Schnitzel Waltz Words and Music by Tom Lehrer Mit Schlag. Be 3 Do you re~ loco. Bh danced to the the night held you —S0._‘tight, As th the night held you —s0._tight, As danced to Her * F mem-ber mem-ber a tempo, Baim Eb? A> Wiesner Schnit-zel Waltz? The mu-sic was gay and the Your lips were like wine (if you'll Wiesner Sehnit-zel Waltz.—____ (British version:) Your face was a- glow (but your © 1053 & 1954 Tom Lees, Copyright renewed a4Fm Eb? hair wire some ro- ses (or per - mu - sic was love - |v mu Tse was stove - quite set tite was Vi-en-nese, Your par-don the — sim= i-le), ‘The Beth ath -er —yel-low - ish), The oe Fm a haps thty were — pe-o-nles), mite Ru- doit Frimal-¥, ante yor No - vel - lo ~ ish. ry Twas blind to your ob ~ vi - ous Tdrank wine, you drank choc - 0 ~ late Bbe Ab faults, danced'@fossthe scene to the malts, oth turned quite green to the ee a tempo, Fray Bbm? strains of the Wie-ner Schnit-zel Waltz. x Strains of the Wie-ner Sehnit-zs1To Interlude | [? By lab » aD ___ INTERLUDE Ab EbT Ab Fine| “Ab Baim Bm? drank some cham-pagne from your shoes. Co I sg I was drunk by the time I got through. Eb Np ET Abmt-s_ FT Bb Ga-nt know,as 1 raised that cup, ‘It had_—tak-en two 46Eb? Abm®Ebdim Eb? Ab bot-tles fo fill the thing up» It was I___ who stepped on ak tes Bbmr Ab ‘The skirts all came off, I con ~ fest ET Ab EbTAbmts FT Re - veal-ing for all of the — oth-ers to D.S. al Fine % Bb7 a Fy Abm@Adim E57 . Just what it was that en - deared you to me. Oh, I re- 2 2 ritard, aqPART TWO From An Evening Wasted with Tom LehrerPoisoning, Pigeons in the Park Words and Music by Tom Lehrer YVernally Verse c at pt Gr c I think the love -li - est skit-tles and (Spoken) do, don't’ you? — Course you ~ 2 poco Fit. “ 50 © 1953.8 1968 Tom Leber. Copyright renewed(Sung) But there's one thing that makes spring com ~ plete for me, — treat for me. — And makes ev - 2s poco Fit Refrain am BC Cmajr o c Ail the worldseems in tune on a spring af - ter - noon,When we're (So if) Sun-day you're free, why don't you come with me, And we'll m_S + of a r Fi a Gdim_ Gt Dm son-ing pi-geons in the park. ry Sun - day you'll sop the pi-geons in the _ park. — may - be we'llmy sweet-heart and me, AS we — poi -sonthe — pi-geons in e in "a ‘squirrel or two, While we're poi, -son-ing pi-geonsin _ the When they see us com-ing, the bird-ies all We'll mur-der them all a - mid laugh-ter and qr try an’ hide, But they mer-ri-ment, Ex - cept still go for for the pea - nuts when cbat - ed with few we take home to ex - ais tempo ad lib. eo ¢ Cmaj7 co ey-anchide. The sun's shin- ing bright, Ev - per-i-ment. My pulse will be — quick-en = thing seems all in’ with each drop of os 2To Tntertude | right, When we're poi -son-ing pi-geons in the stry-ch'n-ine we pi ~ geon. just takes a pi-geon in the INTERLUDE Csust or cmajr 2 vel gained no - to -GTsust Gr Cmajt co ATsust Au-du-bon. = ci-e-ty with our games.————— AL Dmaj7 pe. AT sus a lack of pro -pri-e-ty, And quite a va - ri-e-ty of D pr G un-pleas-ant names. But it's not re - li - gion—— D.S. al Fine Ge % want to dis - pose of poco a poco rit 54The Masochism Tango Words and Music by Tom Lehrer Refrain Dm cm cr ‘ache for the touch of your lips,dear, But much more for the touch of your whips, dear. You can raise welts like no - bo - dy else, As we oe} = é ieee ou © 1958.8 1968 Tom Lehrer 85x 3 danee “to the Mas-o = chis =m ———— tacet, Let our (your) ¥ pm cm c a -_ a bo === —— == === = ir vw — t > eat — love be aflame, poran em- ber, Say ji's me that you WE ais- sete cau & apell” that be - witch es, ABE RS ERGYT" Neod-ea twenty 5 Ee — $ SS i —— = = — ; —— =] ¥ a . e se ¥ x bm om mem ~ ber, ——_— stitch - es" _To nism ‘Tan-gor chism Tan-Bo- ‘sew Black-en my up the gash ‘eye, set At your com = mand Bash in_my brain, fire to. my tie, AS We you made with your lash, As we be-fore you here I and make me scream withcfaim 7 stand, My heart is in my hand,(Spoken) Eech! (Sung) It'shere that I must pain, Then kick me once a- gain, And say we'll nev-er poco rit, My heart en-treats, Justhearthosesav-age beats, And go put on your T know too well I'm un-der-neath your spell, So, dar-ling, if you * cleats__—“and come and tram-ple me,_________ Your heart's hard as stone or ma- smell some-thing burn-ing,it'smy heart. Excuse me! Take your cig -a-rette from its (Spoken) — (Sung) That's why I'm in such 5F= qui -site ag - on-y. And burn your ini -tialsin my shoul - der.soul is on fire, Ws a - flame with de - sire, whfen if Frac-tupe my spin, And swear that you're MBE, As we Yacet To Interlude | ars ——_ You caught my DOE > 1 per-spire when we tan ~ go, why a tempo dance to the Mas-o chis-m — Tan-go. = ce 2 r a tempo poco a poco a tempo y atempo 7~ m ‘Then I long to be back once a = gain In old Mex - 1- Where we lived for to-day, nev-er 2 (©1959 & 1981 Tom LehrAm/C BY giv = ing a thought to to - ma iF Sara x D ar D tars In ahun-dredgrub-by ‘bars Iwouldwhis-per'Te a - mo'. see 38 vos & pt 6 D ‘The ma-ri ~ ach-is would ser~e - nade ar D Dr G would not shut up till they were paid. We ate, Tothe strum-ming of gui = And they we drank,andwewere 73mer-ry, And we got ty-phoid and dys-en-ter-y. Freely, with motion Am went to the Pla-za de © Tor-os, | Now when~ 1 start feel-ing mo-rose, 1 re - vive by re~-call-ing that ET scene. names_ Uke Bel -—— = monte, Dominguin and Ma-no live to a hun-dred and nev - er for-get what they mean. Moderately a F marcato Fairly fast D Eb (Spoken) For there is surely nothing more beautiful in this world than the sight of a lone man facing singlehandedly a half a ton of angry pot roast! f (repeat as necessary)D 3 D Py D Out came the mat-a-dor who must have been pot-ted or ® > B/A_D Eh/A D___‘E/A sane, but who looked rath-er — bored. ‘Then the pic-a-dors of course, Each one on his D b D Ep/A__D ED /A shout-ed 'O - lé ev-'ry time one was gored.D Eb/A_D? c T cheered at the — ban=de~ il - ler-os' dis - | poce ri fs tempo 7 x D play, As they stuck the bull in their own clev-er way, For 7 «BT c Dore B Em I had-n't had so much fun since the day My — broth-er's dog > f 5 ‘ a tempo T ‘ a” D Bb got run o ~ ver. id ID Bb (last time) (Spoken) Rover was killed by a Pontiac. And it was done with such grace and artistry ‘The that the witnesses awarded the driver both ears and tail ~ but I digress. SF (repeat as necessary) mo aaa had swallowed my We crowd ‘held its Hop ~ ing that death would knew there'd be sand pret - ty bright -en an dull after At last, the mat ~ a - dordid what we want-ed him to He raised his sword and his D pO D aim was true, In that_ mo-ment of truth 1 sud-den - ly knew That some-one had sto-len my — wal-let. a tempo & Moderately AT No chord s Fam Rm a Now ttle 1 — on - ta time_ in Akeron, = At - i = | 2 tempo Yn ~ PsBut it's back to old Gua-da-la ~ ee rim Ault Far a - wayfromthestrikesof the A. F. of L. and €, (Alternate:) For though try. as 1 may, 1 can nev - er re-pay all that How I wish I could getback to the land of the wet-backand for-get the Al-a- To the land of ma~ fia-na And cheap ma-ri- jua-na (It’s so ea ~ Sy to 2 ae Br Em AT E D mo,— in old Mex-i - co. (Spoken) 0-187 grows T crese. poco, poco,We Will All Go Together When We Go ‘ords and Musie by Tom Lehrer Fychatologically Word sie by Tom Leh: —— SS you at-tend a fusne-ral, It is sad to think that soon-er o' la=ter oe those you love willdothe same for You. —\ And youmayhave thought it tragic, # be =— men-tion oth-er ad=jec-tives, to think of all the weep-ing they will © 1958 & 1968 Tom Letwer ado (butdont you worry)Nomoreashes,nomore sack- And anarmband made of black cloth will lot a some-day nevermorea-dorn a sleeve._—For ‘if the bomb that drops onyougets your Bb friends and neigh-bors too, There'll be no - bod=y left be-hind to grieve. : | poco pili) mosso Cr Gm) Edim Chorus Moderately bright (in 2) Da = we will go to-geth-er when “we go, we bake to-geth-er when we bake,—— What a com -fort-ing fact that is to know. —— There'll be no -bod-ypres-ent at the wake. t |éF vef - sal be-reave-ment, An “in - spir - ing a~ chieve-ment, Yes, we plete par-ti - ci-pa-tion,’ In that grand in-cin-er - a- tion,’ Near-ly r all will go to ~ geth-er when we go. three bil-lion hunks of well-done steak. — ru pests Gb Ge Cb to-geth-er when we to-geth-er when we 83bm byt -des-cent glow.____________ N6- one_ will fused = with an in- Just sing let there be no moan-ing of the _ bar. i cb chr Gb+ cb Abm © en - du-rance to ¢ol - lect on his in - su-rance, Lloyd's of Te De- um whenyou sce that I. C. B. M., And the 2F re Gb pT Dor Ton-don will be loaded when they go. par - ty will be come-as-you ~ are. ° = =F fry to-geth-er when we = We'll be burn to =geth-er when we There'll be© ca fried po -ta-toes by afd by. ‘There will need to stand and wait your turn. When it's no more mis-e-ry when the world is our ro - tis-se-rie, Yes, we for the fall - out and Saint Pe -ter calls us all__ out, We'll just +. F ? ar all will fry to-geth-er when we fry. Down by the drop or a.~gen-das and ad ~ aa Moderately (in 3) E There'ifbe a2. And we will DAD Freely (quasi recitative) FE Am pg You will all go di-rect-ly to your re-spec-tive Val- Go di - rect-ly, do not pass Go, do not col-lect two hun-dred dol- las. go to-geth-er when "weEv-'ry Hot-ten-tot and ev-'ry Es-ki - mo. gr FL Bb cat air be-comes u - ra-ni-ous, We will all go. si - mul - tane-ous, Yes, we all will go to - geth-er when we all 7 geth-er, Yes, we all will go to-geth-er whenwe 6. Tyee apore regime f=PART THREE From That Was the Year That Was etc.National Brotherhood Week Words and Music by Tom Lehrer Fraternally oe 1, Oh, the white folks hate the black folks, And the black’ folks hate the 2. (Oh, the) poor folks hate the rich folks, And the rich folks hate the 5. (Oh, the) Prot-es-tants hate the Cath-o-lics, And the Cath-o-lics hate the ‘@ tS ~ —H ee ps SS =: po | == —| iia BP ieee white ‘folks. 1 hate all but the right folks is an old es-tab-lished rule. poor folks. All of my folkshateall of your folks, it's A-mer-icanas ap-ple pie. Prot-es-tants, And the Hin-dus hate the Mos-lems, and | ev'ry-bo-dyhates the Jews. Last time to Coda Abm Ab Eb Ebdim Na = tion-al Broth-er-hood Week, Na - tion-al —— Bat dur-ing Na - tion-al Broth-er-hood Week, Na - tion-al —— But dur-ing Na - tion-al Broth-er-hood Week, Na ~ tion-al 90 (© 1968 & 1966 Tom Leber.Eb Edim Bb? 5 Broth-er-hood Week, Le - na Horne and Sher- iff Clark are danc-ing Broth-er-hood Week, New Yorkers love the Puer-to Ri-cans ‘cause it's bu Ab Abm Ab Eb Ebdim cheek to cheek, It's to eu-lo~gize_ the ver - y chic,’ Step and shake the hand— of Eb By % Ab you de-spise. A® long as you don't let ‘em in your You can't stand, You can tol-¢ - rate him if “you aCODA yy Bb * Br Broth-er-hood Week, It's -y-one-smile- at ET ab Abm Ab Eb Ebdim oth-er-hood Week, Be peo=ple who are Eb Bot Eb Bom®_t E on-ly for a week, sohaveno fear, __ Be I's 7 BOT that it does-n't last = poco a poco crese.MLEF Lullaby Wiegenliedi ‘Words and Music by Tom Lehrer oe sleep, in peace may you slum~ber, No dan-ger lurks, your {they “have nu ~ cle~ar war-heads? Eng-land says no, "but sleep to eh-cum - ber, We've got the mis-siles, . peace tode-ter-mine, And they allare sore-heads, If saya _by - gone’ ‘should be a by -gone, aa ty Grsust cr Gisuss Gr c one of the fin-gers on the but-ton will be Ger - Let's make peace the way we did in Stan ley-ville and Sai — — © 1966 & 1966 Tom Lehrer. 93Once all the Ger-mans were war-like and mean, But that could-n't hap - pen a= taught them a les ~son in nine - teen eight-een, they've hard -ly both-ered us since then. So sleep well, my dar-ling, (Alternates) So steep, ba ~ by, sleep, your 4w w sand-man ean lin - ger, We know our buddies won't give us the fin - ger, eves should be shut -‘tin’ We know our bud ~ dies won't fool withthe but ~ fon ' a9ck Heil, hail the Wehr-macht, I mean the Bun-des-wehr, Hail to our loy-al af - or he is half_as scared asThe Folk Song Army, ee Words ne Music by Tom Lehrer Bo? Eb Bb? Bb We are ‘the Folk Song Ar-my, Ev-try-one of us are in-noc - u-ous folk songs, But we re-gard 'em with -ray for the Folk Song Ar - my We will show you the s ns Eh Eb? DT__Dbt Wi all hate pov-er-ty, war, and in- jus - tice, scorn. The folks who sing 'em have no 'so-cial con-science.(Spoken) Why, way ‘Cause we all hate po- ver - ty, war and in - jus - tice, And + > i ap ee un-like the rest of you squares, ‘There they don't e-ven care if (Alternate:) Hoo - chords that are 00 hard to te eb DI Gm Dm Jin, = my Crack Corn. (Sung) € you feel dig - satfis - fac - ton, 1 Play. 96 © 1965 & 1966 Tom Lehreri Some peo-ple may pre-for —3 Strum your frus-trations a - way, 3 = p—3—, 3 Gr Bp? give me a folk song an ~ y old day. The Eb Ab Br And it don’t matter if you put a cou-pla ex-tra tune don't have_to be clev-er, hos Eb Eb? OD? Db? oc? syl-la-bles in-to a sounds more eth 97Ep (Sung) Excuse me- rhyne! Re = (Spoken) ? the kind where each of us Eb he may have won bat - tles,,all the good songs. So Melody Ab Bb? Bho. join in the Folk Song Ar ~ my, Gui = tars are the weap-ons we bt cr to the fight a-gainst pov-er-ty, war, and in-jus-tice,Smut Words and Music by Tom Lehrer Pornissimo % ED ‘Smut thrill Give me smut and noth - ing toan -y book like "Fan- ny” Hill.” | cr cm A dir - ty nov= el 1 can't shut, if it's un~ And I~ sup - pose I always will, if it is Bbe Bdim cut, and Un-subt— - (le. swill, and real-ly fil - - thy. ion © 1965 & 1966 Tom LehrerFes Bb ED BOT I've never quib-bled_— if it was rib-ald, Who needs a hob-by—— like ten-nis or phi-lat- e-ly?. corr Ey I would de-vour_ where _oth-ers mere -ly nib-bled. As the Te “got ‘a hobby: ve = read-ing "ta'~ dy Chat-ter-ley"— But wh, tAlternate:) f arr or cm, judge. re-marked tho day that He ac -auit = ted my Aunt Hor-tenee,""To be how theyretryong to take it’ all ‘a= ay ftom us “Unsless "We take a fove the “Bill of Rights with ull the Jer vor 1 poq~ ses, And when , FT smut, itmust be ut = ter-ly without _re-deem ing _so-cial im-por - tensa” stand,andhand in hand we fight for freesdom of the press, In oth-crwords, pray, I al - ways say, “Thank God for free-dom of the press.” be — 101no-graph-{c pic-tures Like the ad-ven -tures of In-de~cent mag - a-zines ga-lore, I like them Oh,I'm a mar-ket they can't glut, Tdon't know D 7 ~e Taterinde] ‘com-pares with smut, 102ray! (Spoken) Let's hear it for the Supreme Court! Don't let them take it__ (Sung) — | poco a poco ertse. Ey (Spoken) Bring on the obscene movies, murals, postcards, neckties, samplers, stained -glass % Bb Bb? windows, tattoos, anything! More, more, Poco a poco cresc,_ bor still not satisfied! (Sung) Sto ~ ries of tor - tures, ae “ow i eect ED Bb? bauch - ers, i - rid, li- cen - tious and vile, Make me 25? Eb _ BT E> Bot ED Nov ~els that pan-der to {FL Bb Eb taste for can - dor give me a pleas-ure___sub-lime.(Spoken)Let’sE> By Ab By e face it, I love slime, (Sung) A books canbe in- de-cent books though = SS5= SS re-cent books are bold - er, For filth ('mglad to say) is in the mind of the be- cor-rect-ly viewed, Ev-'ry-thing is lewd. (Spoken) I could D.S. al Fine $ rr Bb tacet — tell you things a-bout Pe-ter Pan, And the Wizard of O:, there’sa dir-ty old man! (Sung) 105Send the Marines Words and Music by Tom Lehrer alla colle di pelle 2 St F Bb oct Witen some-onemakes'a move of which we don't ap.- prove, ? Who is it that (We'll) send them all we've got, JohnWayne and Ran-dolph Scott, Re-mem-berthose ex- (ete tet fete pe| tele kere if mS ws 7. br cr octs cr F FT Bb al-ways in-ter-venes?. U. N.and 0. A. S.," "they havetheirplace/T cit-ing fight-ing scenes? To the shores of Trip-o-li, but not to, Mis-sis- : i i p 106 © 1965 & 1966-Tom LetterF Fam cr F guess, Bit first WSL What do we do? sip=po-H, send the Ma-rinest We send the Ma~rinest For might makes — right 73 oy PEF 7 Gm? till they've seen the ‘They've got tobe pro-tect - ed, Alltheir rights re-~ a Gm Gm tacet coor Bdim spect-ed, TH] some-bod - y like can be lect - ed. Mem-bers of the 107all hate the thought of war, They'd that ex-pres - sion, We Bb Bom where we go, So when indoubt, ___send the Ma-rines!_ 108New Math Words and Music by Tom Lehrer (Note: Except for the refrain there is no melody to this song. The words are to be spoken rhythmically to an underlying 2/4 beat, except for the words in italics, which are spoken freely. The specific accompaniment used by the author on his recording would require too many pages to write out and is therefore omitted.) You can't take three from two, [342 | ‘Two is less than three, So you look at the four in the tens place. é Now that's really four tens, 173 fo you make it three tone, 169 Regroup, and you change a ten to ten ones, And you add them to the two and get twelve, ‘And you take away three, that's nine. Is that clear? Now instead of four in the tens place ‘You've got three, "Cause you added one, ‘That is to say, ten, to the two, But you can't take seven from three, So you look in the hundreds place. From the three you then use one ‘To make ten tens. (And you know why four plus minus one Plus ten is fourteen minus one? "Cause addition is commutative, right And so you've got thirteen tens, And you take away seven, And that leaves five. 1). Well, six actually, But the idea is the important thing! Now go back to the hundreds place, And you're left with two, And you take away one from two, And that leaves... ? Everybody get one? Not bad for the first day’ (Sing refrain) © 1965. 1981 Tom Loner 109REFRAIN a ct Bt BbT at Hoo-ray for New-hoo-hoo math, Dm Dm? Gr c av won't do you a bit of good to re - view342 cum TAZ eight Now: actually, that is not the answer that I had in mind, because the book that I got this problem out of wants you to do it in base eight. But don't panic. Base eight is just like base ten really ~ if you're ‘missing two fingers, Shall we have a go at it? ‘You can't take three from two, Two Is less than three, So you look at the four in the eights place. Now that's really four eights, So you make it three eights, Regroup, and you change an eight to eight ones, And you add them to the two, ‘And you get one-two base eight, Which is ton base ten, And you take away three, that's seven. Now instead of four in the eights place ‘You've got three. ‘Cause you added one, ‘That is to say, eight, to the two, But you can't take seven from three, So you look at the sixty-fours. Sixty-four? “How did sixty-four get into it?” Thear you ery. Well, sixty-four is eight squared, don't you see? (Well you ask a silly question, and you get a silly answer) From the three you then use one To make eight eights, And you add those eights to the three, ‘And you get one-three base eight, Or, in other words, In base ten you have eleven, And you take away seven, And seven from eleven is four. Now go back to the sixty-fours, And you're left with two, And you take away one from two, ‘And that leaves... ? Now, let's not always see the same hands. One, right! Whoever got one can stay after class and clean the erasers, (Sing refrain) Hooray for new math, New-hoo-hoo math, It won't do you a bit of good to review math. It’s so simple, So very simple, ‘That only a child can do itt ut