A Sichah from Maran HaGaon Rav Gershon Edelstein shlita, Rosh Yeshivas Ponevez - Toldos 5773
Chinuch:
There was once a boy who was misbehaving
at home. Everything he was supposed to do, he didn’t
and he did do that which he shouldn’t. He then entered
yeshiva ketana (around age 13) and immediately, a
dramatic change in his behavior was noticed. He
started helping around the house and was a positive
role model to his younger siblings. This change was
indicative that he really was a good boy with good
middos and that it was his home that was at fault for
his previous misbehavior. Once he left that atmosphere
and entered the yeshiva, his true self became apparent
and he started to behave in a way that was actually
natural for him. We must try to understand how this
phenomenon can occur in which the home is at fault
for the lack of discipline; how can it be that the home
damages the chinuch of the children?
Let us first mention another similar incident.
There was a boy in yeshiva gedolah (age 18 and up)
who had good middos but had a difficult time sitting
and learning. His Rosh Yeshiva noticed this and
decided to take the boy along with him everywhere he
needed to go and the boy would serve as his assistant.
After a bit of questioning, the reason for his
unsuccessful learning was discovered. His parents
expected him to perform at a higher level than he was
capable of, and despite the fact he would always try
his best, his efforts were not good enough. His parents
gave him the feeling they were not pleased with him.
This resulted in him feeling inadequate and
unappreciated. These feelings took their toll until
finally, they broke his spirit, stripping him of his drive
to learn. On the flip side, had this boy received
acknowledgment and appreciation at home, affirming
that his parents were proud of him, he would have
been joyous and gained the ambition to strive even

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higher. The Mesilas Yesharim (Ch.3) tells us that joy
invigorates and breeds alacrity, whereas sadness and a
lack of joy cause laziness. Had he felt this
acknowledgement at home, he would have been
joyous with his lot and this joy would have resulted in
a further desire to learn. After all, he would know what
was expected of him and that he must learn and would
naturally try to succeed with all his strengths. It is
solely due to the fact he wasn’t appreciated or
acknowledged that he lost his drive and stopped
learning.
We see that the home can indeed damage the
chinuch of the child. This happens when the child
feels unappreciated and is overworked; when the
parents set the bar higher than is feasible. True, there
are those kids with good middos who do not change
their behavior patterns even though their homes are
not providing the encouragement they need, but on the
whole, children who grow up in such environments,
lose their sense of joy. This was the case with the boy
in the yeshiva gedolah. He was still performing the
mitzvos and keeping halacha but learning requires
more concentration and peace of mind, things he
lacked due to his lack of motivation. As we explained
above, this lack of drive was a direct result of not
being appreciated at home. In some cases, the children
of such homes will develop angry feelings towards
their home and act out just to spite their parents’
wishes.
Now we can also understand the sudden
change in behavior of the boy who attended yeshiva
ketana. At home he was not receiving the
acknowledgement and appreciation he needed and so,
as a result of his sadness, he misbehaved. Once he
entered the yeshiva and the staff showed that they
cared about him and appreciated him, what he lacked
 at home was provided and his joy returned. His true
self could once again shine.
There is a family who truly succeeded in
being mechanech their children, all of whom were
well behaved and have good middos. When the
parents were asked what their secret was, they
were not able to verbalize an answer. This is
because they didn’t do anything special or use any
special techniques. The secret is they were good
role models. This is, by far, the best way to
influence children. When the children see a home
in which people act with manners and do not
anger, in which everything is handled with peace of
mind, with love and friendliness, and see everyone,
in and out of the house, treated with respect, they
will automatically mirror those lessons.
We know that good middos are inherited from
the parents but we still find many homes, where the
parents have good middos yet the children do not act
accordingly. There are many reasons for this; we
mentioned a few, above. This family that succeeded
gave their children the support they needed,
acknowledged and appreciated them and, most of all,
were good role models. This is the secret.
* * * will learn too much and other times he will be mevatel
‫ מחכימת פתי‬- [Torah] wisens the simpleton:
Middos tovos and talents pass on from parent
to child but there are very critical components of the
child that are not inherited and those are: ‫ חכמת החיים‬-
(wisdom) and ‫ שכל‬- (intelligence). The Gemara in
Niddah (16b) tells us that three things are decreed
before a child is born, one of which is whether he will
be ‫ חכם או טיפש‬- wise or foolish. It is, therefore,
possible that in one family, one of two siblings will be
smart and the other not, and so too a parent and a
child. This is because these two traits, wisdom and
intelligence, do not pass on from parent to child as do
talents and middos tovos.
A story is told about the Chazon Ish zt”l
regarding his opinion of two prospective shidduchim.
One boy was a yerei Shomayim, a masmid, and had
good middos but he was not very clever. The other boy
did not excel in these areas as much but was very wise.
The Chazon Ish zt”l took out a piece of paper and
drew a circle. Around the perimeter of the circle he

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listed the first boy’s characteristics, yet on the inside
of the circle he only wrote ‫ נאר‬- (yiddish) foolish. He
pointed and explained that one who doesn’t have ‫שכל‬
does everything foolishly. He is a masmid without
wisdom; a yerei Shomayim without wisdom and his
good middos are without wisdom. Good characteristics
without wisdom are not worth anything. This is told to
us in the Gemara (Nedarim 41a): ‫ דלא‬,‫דדא ביה כולא ביה‬
‫ מה קני‬,‫ דא לא קני‬,‫ דא קני מה חסר‬,‫ דא ביה מה ביה‬- [referring
to da’as] If one has it, he has everything; if he lacks it,
what does he have? If one acquired it, what is
missing? If one didn’t acquire it, what did he acquire?
The Gemara is telling us that if one does not have
wisdom, he is considered as if he has nothing at all.
Every good middah he has will be acted upon without
‫שכל‬. He cannot discern when to act with a certain
middah and when to refrain. For example, in the area
of chinuch, one needs to be able to discern when to be
mevater (forgo) and when to react, when to demand
and when not to demand.
So too with all areas of Torah, namely the
three pillars upon which the world rests; Torah,
avodah (prayer) and gemilus chassodim (charity and
kindness). If one does not have seichel, he does not
know when to learn and when not to, sometimes he
Torah. During davening, he will not know what to ask
for. His chessed will be directed at the wrong people
and he might help rashoyim and not tzaddikim who are
in real need of chessed. We see how all of one’s
middos are dependent on his seichel.
Even though the level of seichel was
decreed upon the person prior to his birth there is
one way to change one’s lot. Through learning
Torah, even the simpleton can become wise. As the
passuk in Tehillim says (19:8) ‫עדות השם נאמנה‬
‫ מחכימת פתי‬- The testimony (Torah) of Hashem is
trustworthy, it makes the simpleton wise. The
passuk in Mishlei as well (1:4) tells us: ‫לתת לפתאים‬
‫ ערמה‬- To give slyness to the simpletons. We see
there is a special power within Torah to imbue even
those born as ‫( טיפשים‬simpleton, fool) with wisdom,
through rigorous Torah study. My father zt”l once
told a man who lacked wisdom that if he will learn
Torah, he will be considered a wise person by those
around him. Our holy Torah is ‫ מחכימת פתי‬- wisens
 the fool; one just needs to tap into this power
through learning.
* * * mitzvah, rather he should get to a level where he loves
‫ אהבת חסד‬- Lovingkindness
We find that there are two ways to perform
chessed. There are those who do chessed out of a love
for this mitzvah. This is the proper way it should be
performed, as we are told by the Navi (Micha 6:8):
‫הגיד לך אדם מה טוב ומה השם דורש ממך כי אם עשות‬
‫ משפט ואהבת חסד‬- “He has told you, man, what is good
and what Hashem demands of you, to do justice and
lovingkindness...” The proper way to perform chessed
is with this innate love for kindness; it should be
ingrained in one’s nefesh to be driven by this feeling
while doing chessed. The other way to do chessed is to
have intention that one is performing the mitzvah, just
like any other mitzvah; a mere act without the
underlining love to perform the chessed. For example,
one could loan money to his friend not because he
loves kindness but because we are commanded to lend
a helping hand - ‫ אם כסף תלווה את עמי‬- (the
commandment to loan a fellow Jew money). Someone
commented in the name of the Chazon Ish zt”l that one
who performs chessed in this way, no only does not
gain but actually loses.
The Rambam in Shemoneh Perakim (Ch.6)
brings the Chazal from the Yalkut (Vayikra 626) that
tells us that a person shouldn’t refrain from prohibited
foods because they don’t taste good, but should rather
say that despite the fact they do taste good, he must
refrain because the Torah commanded us to abstain
from such foods. The Gemara (Chulin 109b) states
that for every prohibited food there exists a permitted
food with an equivalent taste. Blood cannot be
consumed but liver can; pig is prohibited but the brain
of the shibuta fish, which tastes the same, is allowed.
We see from here that prohibited foods can taste good
and the reason they are forbidden is because Hashem
commanded us to refrain from them. The Rambam
goes on to explain that this principle was only said
about mitzvos that cannot be inferred from logic and it
is the Torah that generates their prohibition. Regarding
mitzvos that are sensible, such as good middos, which
one would be able to deduce even without the Torah’s
prohibitions, one must get to a level of observance that

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these mitzvos are performed naturally. Therefore,
when one performs an act of chessed he should not say
that he is performing it despite the fact he hates this
performing it for its very sake; not just because he is
commanded.
There was a story in which a person with good
middos was asked to do a favor for another individual.
He certainly agreed, not because he felt a love for this
act of kindness but rather because it was a mitzvah.
The beneficiary felt this and commented to the
benefactor that it seems he is being forced into the
chessed. The benefactor knew that the friend’s
comment was true and accepted the criticism, only to
then feel sincere guilt as to why he wasn’t performing
the chessed at the right level with the right intentions.
There is a lesson in last week’s parasha
revealing the extent of our obligation to have good
middos. The passuk (23:2) says that Avrohom Avinu
was maspid Sarah and cried: ‫ויבוא אברהם לספוד לשרה‬
‫ ולבכותה‬- but the letter kof in the word “cried” - ‫לבכותה‬
- is written smaller than the rest of the letters. The
Ba’al Haturim gives two explanations for this. The
first is that Avrohom didn’t mourn too much given
that Sarah Imeinu was old. The second explanation
given is that she caused her own death by passing
judgment, and therefore she was taken first. As we
know, one who kills himself is not mourned. The
explanation to his words is as follows: after Hagar
became pregnant from Avrohom, she started to mock
Sarah by saying she was clearly more righteous than
her - ‫ ותקל גבירתה בעיניה‬- “And her mistress [Sarah]
was lowered in her [Hagar] eyes”. Sarah got upset at
Avrohom (‫ חמסי עליך‬- my anger is upon you) as he
heard Hagar’s comments and didn’t react. She then
turned Heavenly and judged Avrohom - ‫ישפוט השם‬
‫ ביני ובינך‬- “Hashem shall pass judgment between us”.
Chazal tell us (Bava Kama 93a) that one who passes
judgment on another person receives his punishment
first as we learn from this incident with Sarah. She
passed this judgment upon Avrohom and she,
therefore, passed away before him.
Given that Sarah Imeinu caused her premature
death by passing judgment upon Avrohom, her
mourning was shortened; this is similar to the course
of action halacha prescribes for one who willingly
takes his own life (who isn’t mourned at all). Suicide
 is a grave sin as the Rambam tells us (Hilchos should be very joyous. Every burden and annoyance
Rotzeach 2:2) that it is tantamount to murder and the can be dealt with in this way if one lives with emunah.
perpetrator is liable to missa bidei Shomayim (liable to Every person needs to conduct a personal,
death in the Heavenly courts). [This needs an spiritual inventory of all his actions and thoughts. He
explanation, as the person is already dead. It would needs to see if he was mevatel Torah, if he
seem that the Rambam is referring to the severity of concentrated properly during tefillah, and so too, with
the sin. Just as a murderer has committed a grave sin all aspects of his day. The more one thinks about his
which under certain circumstances warrants missa day, the more he’ll find that which warrants fixing. On
bidei Shomayim, so too a person who kills themselves the one hand, this procedure can cause sadness but if
has committed a terrible sin that deserved this looked upon with the right attitude, it can actually
punishment. (ed.) (See Avi Ezri - Hilchos Deos] Sarah make one happier by knowing what he has to amend
Imeinu didn’t take her life directly with her actions but and where he needs to grow.
due to her passing this judgment, she did bring about The Chovos Halevavos (Shaar Cheshbon
her death. We must remember that we are not capable Hanefesh Ch. 3) writes that there are thirty areas that
of understanding the deeds of the Avos and Imahos one should focus on in order to achieve lofty spiritual
HaKedoshim and that this strict verdict of Sarah levels, one of which is the area of emunah. When one
Imeinu was due to her incredibly lofty spiritual levels; lives with this as his guide, he receives such a high
judgment in Shomayim is exacting with the righteous level of clarity and understanding that he can see
to a hair’s breadth. without eyes and hear without ears (referring to very
What we are to take out of this is the principle high spiritual levels). May it be Hashem’s will that we
that one should not pass judgment upon others. If one will merit such levels. A life governed by emunah is a
lives his life with emunah, there is no room for any truly joyous life and blessed is the one who achieves
feelings of anger or resentment. Every bit of suffering this.
a person undergoes is directly sent to him from
Heaven. It is therefore not logical to be upset at the
seeming cause of the suffering for it is ultimately from
Shomayim. Granted, the perpetrator is guilty, as he has
free will, but the actual pain would have come
regardless of that person. It is, therefore, not feasible
for a person who lives with emunah to become upset.
The correct course of action in such instances is to turn
inward and try to figure out where one went wrong
and why he was deserving of such fate. Probably he
has committed a sin that needs atonement; as we
know, suffering atones for sins. This being the case, he
should be happy that he was worthy to merit
atonement. If he is a complete tzaddik then the
suffering is purely out of love, in order to increase his
lot in Olam Habah. In such a scenario, as well, one


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