21st July, 2019

"Terhadap Engkau sajalah aku telah berdosa dan melakukan apa yang Kau anggap jahat,” Mazm

Have you ever felt worthless as human being? When you see yourself in the mirror, you see
no self-worth. No future. Everything seems to be faded away. Have you ever think that your life
won’t going anywhere so suicide, probably the best choice you have. You see no way out, you are at
the lowest point in life, the darkest valley you’ve ever been. Doing something you hate, but it’s too
late to realize. And in the end, you can do nothing but hate yourself. Do you?

None knows that I’ve been in my darkest valley, lately. December 2018 to be exact. Where
my life changed into something I’ve never thought could happened to me. All I did these few
months, is trying to live to the fullest. I was trying hard, every second of my life, yet failed. I wasn’t as
happy as you saw. I was making it to cover all the pain I bear.

March, 2019. I hate my God. I prayed, and I told Him, I hate Him for created such bad-ass
human. “What did You do?”. I hate Him, because of him. Seems shallow, but on my defense, he is a
good boy, at least that’s what I (and everyone) thougth at first, a faithfull servant of God, but lol,
who am I kidding. He’s not. And to be honest he never was.

My life was in chaos. Depression is real, because I was real. Living in my own cave since
March, have none to tell nor share. “Hate” God and decide to “stay away” from Him. Doing nothing
but hate myself more. Now you know why am I so skinny. Yes, I lost 6kgs, depression is suck!

The funny thing is, I prayed to God, I hate Him and I wanna be an agnostic. i lost my faith in
Christian. All of ‘em are fake as hell (yes, I was wrong please don’t judge me!)