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I mean, have you really, truly, deeply asked the best questions to get to
know them as a person?
I’m a victim of the How Trap. The How Trap is when you are stuck
only asking “How are you?” and nothing more. In the How Trap you
get caught up in day-to-day logistics and check-ins.
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Put simply:
I don’t want to know just how you are. I want to know who you are.
You know you are in the How Trap if:
Most of your questions start with “how.” Like “how are you?” or
“how are the kids?” or “how are you feeling?” or even, “how was your
You don’t make eye contact while you speak. You are doing the
dishes, driving or cleaning up the house when you speak. This means
You rely on social media posts to check-in. Do you feel like you
because you follow them on social media? Sometimes this gets you
For example, when my husband and I get really busy, we can go days
without asking any questions beyond logistics-type questions. We see
each other at the end of the day and ask “How was your day?” and we ×
go through what we did and what happened. We talk about plans for
the weekend and updates from friends we saw on Facebook.
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The Science of Intimacy
general personality traits. Speci cally, where they fall on the Big 5
know the stories they tell themselves about themselves—how they have
The question is: How do you move through these three levels?
Level 2 can happen naturally as you live with someone, travel with
someone, and have shared experiences.
But Level 3 only can be done purposefully and with the right questions
in a safe space. This brings me to the 36 couple questions.
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How to Ask the 36 Questions
Grab a Partner
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Find Your Space
Find that quiet place where you won’t be interrupted for at least 45
minutes to an hour. The last thing you want is to be interrupted by a
phone call from your landlord!
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The questions are categorized in three different sets, with each set of
questions a little bit more personal than the last. You’ll take turns
with your partner asking these questions, and both answering the
questions. ×
It’s important to NOT skip the questions, even if you know the answer
to them. Keep in mind, vulnerability brings people closer. The point
of these questions is to have sustained, escalating, and reciprocal self-
disclosure. Take time having both people answer the questions and
truly listen to the answers without judgment.
And so on…
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When you’re finished asking the questions, there is ONE more step
that the original experiment suggests:
Stare in your partner’s eyes for four minutes.
Just make sure to blink… otherwise, that’s just a little bit creepy.
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The 36 Questions
Set 1 Questions
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a
dinner guest?
3. Before making a phone call, do you ever rehearse what you’re going
to say? Why?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or
body of a 30-year old for the last 60 years of your life, which would
you choose?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what
would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much
detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained one quality or ability,
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13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the
14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you
change anything about the way you are living now? Why?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
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25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “we are both in
26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could
share…”
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please
28. Tell your partner what you like about them: Be honest this time,
saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches re. After
saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a nal
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you nd most
disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he
or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to re ect back to you
how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
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Do The 36 Questions Actually
Work?
To find out if the questions actually work, let’s turn to the creator of
the 36 questions—a psychology professor named Arthur Aron.
“I looked for the research on love, but there was almost none” —
Arthur Aron
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How about couples in a long-term relationship? When I asked my
husband these questions on a Friday date night, it was immediately a
step up from the usual “how was your day” spiel. We were both
hooked as we fired off these questions back and forth! And the best
part?
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What she said: “I realize that this dialogue is entirely new for us, and
that I’ve learned something about my boyfriend.”
met online.
What she said: “The 36 Questions warp speed two strangers into
intimacy and vulnerability before they know whether or not a
relationship is even possible.”
New York Times writer Mandy Len Catron tried it at the bar with
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Check out these real life strangers asking each other the deep stuff.
You won’t believe what happens at the end!
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A B O U T VA N E S S A VA N E D WA R D S
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AYO UB A L H A R C H A L
always.
J U LY 2 9 , 2 0 2 0 AT 4 :4 6 PM - R EPLY
B O UL O U
#31 you could say to you close friend, at the same time you could
M A Y 1 , 2 0 2 0 AT 3 :5 9 PM - R EPLY
C AR L
Thank you for your work! You’re really good at explaining thing.
M A R C H 2 5 , 2 0 2 0 AT 9 :1 0 A M - R EPLY
E V E LY N S M I TH ×
Fascinating! True that we usually just focus on the day to day
questions, often taking for granted the deeper questions that can
truly strengthen our relationships. I’m totally going to try these
J U LY 1 9 , 2 0 1 7 AT 1 2 :1 9 PM - R EPLY
ADAM
M A Y 2 1 , 2 0 1 6 AT 1 0 :1 7 A M - R EPLY
TA M I
now!
JA N UA RY 1 , 2 0 1 6 AT 8 :1 7 PM - R EPLY
DAN IE L L E M C R AE
C A E L A N H UN TR E S S
OC T OB ER 1 5 , 2 0 1 5 AT 1 1 :3 0 A M - R EPLY
DAN IE L L E M C R AE
OC T OB ER 1 5 , 2 0 1 5 AT 1 1 :4 4 A M - R EPLY
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