Bowman 1

Rook Bowman

Ms. White

AP Literature and Composition

4 September 2020

College Essay Final Draft

Reflect on a time when you questioned or challenged a belief or idea. What prompted your

thinking? What was the outcome? (Common Application)

My life so far has been plagued by the debilitating disease of conformity. It bombards the

mind with constant comparisons, it harbors feelings of imperfection, and it destroys originality.

In the beginning of my adolescence, I desperately tried to fit my peers’ standards and become the

basketball player with four girlfriends who never failed to make the whole classroom fall into a

fit of laughter. The thought of accepting myself seemed outrageous. However, regularly

attending church opened a new window of hope for me, and I began to feel the unyielding love

of an eternal god shield me from the sharp words of the world like a blanket wrapped around my

shoulders. Instead of obsessing over my insecurities, I let them float away in the breeze, knowing

with certainty that a God who loved me unconditionally beamed down from the heavens. I

finally had a sense of belonging in Christ.

As I progressed further in puberty, however, another identity would arise within me that

would threaten the Christian identity I clung to so desperately for security. At age 13, the

realization hit me that I was homosexual. I had been raised in the church my whole life. I saw
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practicing homosexuals as a representation of all the evils of a modern world. I hardly viewed

them as people, but rather as a vile underground group that wallowed in sin and impurity. It

horrified me to think that I could be one of them. Returning to my middle school ways of

desperately trying to fit in, I became obsessed with trying to impress my Christian leaders and

family by acting less feminine and denouncing the LGBT community. My attempts to rid myself

of my tendencies soon proved futile, and I was faced with a dilemma. It felt like my identities

were all competing for my undivided attention, and if I devoted myself to one I would be

cheating on the others. I imagined Christianity and homosexuality as oil and water; they stood

miles apart from one another at the ends of a polar spectrum, permanently seperated. How could

both identities possibly exist in one person? Tired of all these contradictions, I stopped trying to

repress my homosexuality and I shut religion out of my life as I felt I would never have a place

in it.

A few years after coming to terms with my homosexuality, I had an interaction that

would change my thoughts on my identity forever. I sat in Physics as my class chattered about,

looking for any excuse to distract themselves from the worksheets on their desks. As I doodled

flowers in the margins of my notes on acceleration, I listened in on a nearby group of my peers

having a discussion about their religious affiliations. In the midst of this discourse, my friend

looked at me and asked, “Rook, what’s your religion? Aren’t you Christian?” Suddenly unsure of

myself, I sat quietly without giving a definite answer. Before I could draft a reply, one of my

peers piped in and said, “He can’t be Christian! He’s gay!” I had been telling myself that for

years, but to hear it from someone else’s lips evoked something within me. In that moment, I

heard Christ’s love reverberate through my soul like a bell rung from the tallest tower, and I
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heard the sound of a choir made up of every silenced queer voice surround me in a chorus of

love and acceptance. My peer was wrong. I could not deny myself the places that felt like home

because of someone else’s definitions of homosexuality and Christianity. I basked in God’s

warm love and simultaneously felt the sense of belonging from accepting my LGBT identity

shine down upon me. I watched the sun set on an era of conformity with a rainbow flag draped

over my shoulders and a crucifix dangling from my neck. I will forever be a follower of Christ,

and I will forever be a proud homosexual.

Word Count (648)