The Unknown

Sometimes I wonder if my prayers are real—if they are really

what praying is all about and if they are at all effective. Not
that I doubt my prayers are being heard. It is because I feel
like it is actually being answered and addressed that it seems
unreal, or surreal to me. What makes me question is not
because I find God elusive or distant in prayer. I ask because
I tend to forget His Presence outside prayer.

I know I ran across the idea that prayer is not a scheduled

event or appointment but more of a fostering of relationship
with Him whom we know loves us most as Teresa pointed
once. And yes, in one of our prayer meetings, they say that
worship is a way of life than an act of adoration and
surrender. Reflecting on the way my life is lived right now
and how few and far between I think of the implications of
my actions in my spiritual life… I am so far away from the
freedom that I want. That is, the freedom of walking in
God’s light no matter what.

You see the phrase “no matter what” is what spells the
difference and what makes it difficult. I find it easy following
God as long as it suits me. But when it no longer aligns with
I think things should be then that’s when all the battle takes
place—in the place of my desires and ideals—the throne of
my heart.
Forgive me God that there are still idols left within me. It
may not seem as bad as riches, power and ambition or even
an addiction. It robs me of You nevertheless. My own
willfulness and want of control lessens Your influence in my
life. My own coping of escape in whatever form dismisses
Your wisdom and diminishes Your role as my Father, my
Intimate and my Friend. And I know You will not force away
from me that which I am unwilling because you respect my
own will and freedom to choose. May I be aware of that
which I miss in not surrendering. I miss Your love, Your
surprise, and the adventures that You would have taken me
into, had I only the courage to just let You lead me.