eR inecy ea cd
amp
Stephen A. Diamond PRD.
Evil Deeds
Essential Secrets of
Psychotherapy: Repetitive
Relationship Patterns
Why would anyone persist in pursuing relationships that are
doomed to failure?
e006 >
One ofthe most common phenomena psychotherapists deal win isa
chronic patemn of dysfunctional relationships. The person's partners share
consistent similarities, such as physical andor emotional abuse,
unavailability, substance abuse, instability, narcissism, ete. And each
relationship eventually ends badly because ofthese repetitive dynamics
After a hile, such destructive pattems—objectvely obvious to others—start
to become apparent even tothe patent And the therapeutie question
becomes: Why would anyone persist in pursuing relationships that are
doomed to failure? What's going on here?
There are no simplistic or singular explanations for such destructive, self-
defeating behavior. One part of the puzzle has to do with fear of intimacy
‘and of the opposite sex. (See my previous posts on "sex wars'). If we
unconsciously fear the opposite sex, how can we relate intimately to them?
Instead, we defend ourselves from true intimacy with thorny defenses that
keep the other at arm's length. Or choose partners incapable of intimacy.
‘And, since this is done unconsciously, it becomes a repetitive pattern,
undermining and sabotaging every relationship we try to create
But there is another insidious phenomenon frequently afoot. Its a variety of
what Freud called a “repetition compulsion” A repetition compulsion is a
neurotic defense mechanism. Here's how it works: The repetition
compulsion is an attempt to rewrite history. The history we try to rewrite is
typically the troubled relationship with our parents, particularly the opposite
sex parent, When the early parental relationship is fraught with frustration,
disappointment, rejection, abandonment, neglect or abuse, the child is in a
precarious spot psychologically In order to survive these narcissistic insults,
children must deny the reality of their predicament, as well as their intense
anger, depression, and despair. Instead, we cling to hope: childish hope that,
if only we can be good, perfect, smart, quiet, funny enough, etc, that will win
over mom or dad and they will finally love us as we need them to—as we
are, unconditionally. The child mistakenly believes the problem with the
parental interaction resides with them—an archetypal developmental
misinterpretation—and that, therefore, they have the power to control and
rectify itby changing into someone more acceptable. And so we try
desperately to do so, over and over again, but to no avail. Because the
reality is, the problem lies not with the child, but with the parent, who,
because of his or her own psychological or situational limitations, is unable
or unwilling to provide the love, structure and acceptance all children
require to thrive—and deserve.
Naturally, no parents are perfect, and so we all go through this in one way or
another, Just as our parents did, The hope of being able to change the
parent's response by becoming what we perceive he and/or she want us to
become wards off what psychoanalyst James Masterson (1990) terms the
‘abandonment depression’ So long as we cling to hope, we avoid sinking
into despair, which, particulary for a child, would be devastating. In
adulthood, this childhood scenario is unconsciously and compulsively
recapitulated by most of us to some extent. Our "inner child” (see my
previous post) is stil active, and stil seeking to turn the rejecting or
ambivalent or emotionally unavailable or abusive adult into a loving one.
Only now, it is no longer only the parent of the opposite sex, but potential
love interests of the opposite sex that are targeted, Symbolic standtins for
the parent, Most adults have an uncanny attraction, a kind of unconscious
"radar! for members of the opposite sex (or in some cases, same sex) who,
in ways often intially imperceptible, resemble—psychologically if not
physically—the parent with whom we had difficulties. And these are the
people we tend to “fallin love" with or with whom we get involved. We
choose them unconsciously, of course. That is the nature of a neurosis. Its a
“lind spot” Who would consciously choose—and often remain—with a
partner who is rejecting, unavailable, or emotionally/physically abusive? That
would be pure masochism. But itis not mere masochism in this case. Itis a
powerful repetition compulsion at play.
That wounded, rejected, abandoned litle boy or gil is still trying to win
mommy or daddy’s love. In order for the repetition compulsion to play out,
the love interest must, by definition, possess at least some of the emotional
deficits or traits as did the original parent. Indeed, that is what the repetition
compulsion is all about: a recreation of these relationship dynamics, so as to
provide an opportunity to, this time, change the outcome. The inner child
thinks: "This time will be different. | will get this person to love me. | can
change him or her, if only try hard enough. | won't fail again. Then | will feel
loveable." But tragically, this futile effort is doomed to failure, For if, as part of
the repetition compulsion, we specifically choose Individuals who cannot
love us because of their own limitations and problems, what are the odds of
making them do so? Can we
them? Not very likely. The rational adult part of ourselves knows that. But
ix’ them? Force them? Transform them? Cure
the wounded little boy or git! within is stil trying, just as he or she did with
the parents, each inevitable failure reinforcing feelings of inadequacy,
inferiority, and unlovability. And so it goes.
‘Take the OAB Symptoms Quiz
Molar-S™) fecanide (lambocor) proptonene
feta". agonn Gane or sarenacn
sxcenate Wescare) Myrbetra may act the Woy
Boor taking Myre tl your docr#you have
So how can we resolve the pesky repetition compulsion? With great
difficulty. Because to do so requires relinquishing the defense mechanism
Itself. The repetition compulsion defends against the experience of all those
feelings we denied during childhood about our imperfect parents and
ourselves: sadness, anger, rage, despair, hopelessness, hurt. Feelings we
were unequipped to cope with then, and continued avoiding into adulthood,
now must be faced, The childish hope that once kept us afloat must now be
relinquished, and reality finally accepted: Never will we receive from our
Parents all we needed. Nothing can ever change that. Healing” as | explain,
in my book, "entails the mature acceptance of the traumatic facts of one's
emotional mortification, the causes and consequences, as well as a resolute
willingness to swallow the following bitter pill: We cannot change the past
nor undo the wound ... We can, nonetheless, allow ourselves to feel our
rage and grief over this irretrievable loss ... We may even—with some good
fortune, time and grace—find within ourselves the capacity to forgive those
whom we feel inflicted our agonizing injuries.” (p. 286) With this courageous,
conscious acceptance, the repetition compulsion, like the past, loses its
power over us in the present.
This is an excerpt from Diamond's forthcoming book Psychotherapy for the
Soul: Thirty-Three Essential Secrets for Emotional and Spiritual Self Healing.
@00»
Read Next
Courage and the COVID-19 Crisis,
hale?
‘Sexual Masochism: Why Do We Repeat the
Courage and the COVID-19 Crisis
What Makes People Do
the Same Stupid Things Torture and Past in Our
Repeatedly? Transcendence Tied Relationships?
Together?
How Can We Love an Masochism Explained:
Abuser or Narcissist and The Self-Sabotaging
“t ¢ . (
Sex Starved
STN
Leterme ood
September 2020
magazine cover
Maren 2020
magazine cover
Owe
xywav"Co
(cldun, magnesium potassium,
‘and sodium axybates} oral solution @
Important Satetyntormaton an
@ xx rrarncaniats
Pane se torino Beton te]
Most Popular
=
Does Similarity Matter in
Relationships?
6 Negative Mindsets That
Increase Your Anxiety
Why Everyone Thinks
Psychology is @ Bad Career
' Choice
Doomscrolling Is a Global
Pastime. How Can You
Stop?
5 Visualizations to Help
Lessen Anxiety
The One That Got
Muu
Heartbreak and Home Runs: The
Power of First Experiences
Coping After Loss
Dumped, But Not Down
Nostalgia: Sweet Remembrance
a
CARIUMA® Sneakers
GO RCs
Get the help you need from a
therapist near you-a FREE
service from Psychology Today.
canna
y oF Zi Q
Cities:
Allanta, GA Minneapolis, MN
Austin, TX Nashua, TN
Batimore, MD New York, NY
Brooklys, NY Omaha, NE
Charlotte, NC Philadelphia, PA
Columbus, OH Pittsburgh, PA
Dallas, 1. Portland, OR
Denver, CO Raleigh, NC
Detroit Secramento, CA
Houston, TX Saint Louis, MO
Indianapols. IN San Antonio, TX
Jacksonville, FL San Diego, CA
Las Vegas, NV San Francisco, CA
Los Angeles, CA San.Jose, CA
Louisvile, KY Seattle, WA
Memphis, IN Tucson, AZ
Mion, FL Washington, DC
Mikvaukee, WI
Are you a Therapist?
Get Listed Today
Dx
rack
January 2020
magazine cover
cacy