SHIT BLOWS UP

by
Kirk Shimano

(Prologue)
 BEA (V.O.)
So this is the version of the story
you probably heard on the 11
o’clock news.

EXT. ROOFTOP - NIGHT

GUY MANN, six feet four inches of sweat and muscle, scrambles
to tie an emergency fire hose around his waist. He secures
the knot and jumps off the side of the roof, the hose
unspooling behind him.

A HUGE ASS EXPLOSION ignites the space behind him. Guy

grimaces as he watches the hose continue to unspool then lets
out a satisfied GRUNT when it finally catches, leaving him
suspended in mid air.

The firehose begins to stretch ominously, on the edge of

breaking.

INT. ABANDONED CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Guy swings back and forth, gaining momentum until he CRASHES

through a nearby window, sending shards of glass everywhere.
He lands on an armed MINION dressed all in black.

GUY
Hi. Just thought I’d drop in.

He smirks as he takes a rifle from the guard. He edges to the

side of the room and tries the door. It’s locked. Guy KICKS
at the door. It doesn’t budge. He aims the firearm at the
lock and fires. It swings open slowly.

INT. STAIRWELL - CONTINUOUS

Two more MINIONS are standing behind the door. Guy dispatches
them before they can pull their weapons. He barrels down the
stairs and bursts into...

INT. FANCY FOYER - CONTINUOUS

A multi-billion dollar showroom. The lights dim and a single

spot light illuminates CRISPIN STRIKER on the opposite end of
the room. Striker is dressed in a million dollar suit with a
smile to match. His age is movie star indeterminate.
 2.

STRIKER
Well well well. Mr. Mann, it really
is some enchanted evening, isn’t
it?

Guy cocks his rifle and aims it at Striker’s head.

GUY
YOU!

STRIKER
Ever the conversationalist, are we
Mr. Mann? Well perhaps you should
take this counter-argument into
consideration.

He retreats back into a shadow and emerges with CAROLINA, 33,

in tow. The gag around her mouth only partially obscures her
strikingly androgenous features.

GUY
YOU!

STRIKER
Yes, me. Well, Carolina and I are
going to take a moment to get
reacquainted. It’s that great come-
and-get-it day, Mr. Mann, so go to
it!

He claps his hands and a mob of identically suited minions

drop from the ceiling. At the far end of the room, a BLACK
BELT with a star-shaped scar can be seen twirling a sword
menacingly.

THE MOB
(emotionless)
Hopelessly devoted to you...so
hopelessly devoted...

Striker exits, humming.

Suddenly, everything is fists and feet. Guy ROARS as he

flails wildly, sending minions flying into minions, bones
breaking all the way. He uproots a tree and swings it around
him. The momentum leaves him dizzy. He stops to catch his
breath then looks around him - the minions now all neatly
dispatched.

The Black Belt comes charging at Guy. Guy reaches for his gun
but the Black Belt kicks it into the air. The Black Belt
swings with his sword but Guy ducks at the last instant,
causing the sword to stick into a tree.
 3.

Guy tries to bum rush the Black Belt but is hit with a
powerful KICK then sends him sprawling back across the room.
Guy flails his arm wildly and finds that he has landed right
next to his gun. He picks it up and fires. The Black Belt
drops to the ground, motionless.

Guy stumbles towards the door where Striker exited. A final

minion jumps to his feet and rushes at Guy, but Guy plugs him
with a shot to the chest.

GUY
Guess you just had to give it a
shot.

INT. AWESOME-ITORIUM - CONTINUOUS

Guy enters a large intimidating room with a faux night sky.

The center of the room is dominated by a GIANT DOOMSDAY
DEVICE which breathes fire and emits bolts of lightning.
Striker stands at the control panel, frantically entering
numbers. Carolina is tied to a pole a few feet away.

GUY
YOU!

Striker doesn’t stop to look up. The ceiling of the building

begins to open up to reveal the actual night sky.

STRIKER
It’s too late Mr. Mann! Once this
device is armed I’ll unleash the
Plastic Fantastic and nothing will
be able to stop me! Light the
candles. Get the ice out. Roll the
rug up. It’s today!

Guy pulls his gun and shoots at Striker. The bullet hits a
support wire, causing a large beam to swing at Striker’s
head. Striker steps lightly to the side.

STRIKER (CONT’D)
Hah! You missed!

Guy takes another shot, causing Striker to take another step

back, taking him directly next to Carolina. Guy pulls his
trigger again but finds he is out of ammo.

Striker laughs gloatingly but Carolina kicks him in the back

of the shin then grinds her heel into his foot. Guy comes
running over to them. He pistol whips Striker and pulls the
gag out of Carolina’s mouth.
 4.

CAROLINA
I’m sorry, but your services are no
longer needed.

She rolls him onto his side and then stomps on his groin,
causing a sickening CRUNCHING sound. Carolina and Guy embrace
with a long deep, kiss. They’re interrupted when the console
begins beeping.

CAROLINA (CONT’D)
Oh no! I think it’s too late to use
the deactivation code, but we might
just be able to get it to self
destruct.

GUY
NO! You should run.

CAROLINA
Oh don’t worry, there will be
plenty of running. Just need to
enter these three more keys
and...okay, we have exactly thirty
seconds.

GUY
From when?

CAROLINA
From about fifteen seconds ago. Now
RUN!

They hold hands and scramble for the door. Just as they get
to the entrance, an even HUGER ASS EXPLOSION begins to build
behind them. They make it to the foyer and dive into a small
pond, a giant fireball passing above them.

FADE OUT.

BEA (V.O.)
So that’s probably the version you
heard. And it’s mostly true. But it
leaves out all the important parts.
Or, more specifically, the
important parts that involve me.
Oh, I’m there all right, like...

Time rewinds backwards. The explosion unexplodes, the minions

get un-beat up, Guy runs back up the stairs and jumps back
through the unbreaking window.

BEA (V.O.) (CONT’D)

Oh, wait, wait. Too far.
 5.

Guy comes crashing through the window, landing on a minion.

GUY
Just thought I’d drop in.

BEA (V.O.)
Yep! There I am! That’s me, right
under his foot. And then later...

Fast forward through Guy breaking down the door and running
down the stairs. Striker delivers his monologue and a horde
of minions descend.

BEA (V.O.) (CONT’D)

Stop! Freeze!

A small red circle is drawn around a minion way in the back,

football commentator style

BEA (V.O.) (CONT’D)

Yep, me again. But here’s the best
part...

Guy fights the Black Belt at triple speed. Guy runs for the
door when a lone minion rushes him and is shot in the chest.

BEA (V.O.) (CONT’D)

Yes, there. I know, I know. You’re
all thinking “So what?” I don’t
blame you.

EXT. OUTSIDE THE BUILDING - EVENING

Guy Mann and Carolina stand in front of the burned rubble of

the office building. The empty hull of the exploded Doomsday
Device looms in the background. Cameras flash.

BEA (V.O.)
I mean, the media got their heroes -
and believe me, these two deserved
it. And the city wasn’t decimated,
which is always a plus.

FADE TO:

EXT. OUTSIDE THE BUILDING - THE NEXT DAY

The same location except now clean-up crews are slowly

sifting through the rubble. A man rolls a wheelbarrow with
two minion corpses.
 6.

BEA (V.O.)
And if a few corpses stacked up
along the way, well, gotta break
some eggs to make an egg-salad
sandwich, right?

The wheelbarrow reaches a mound of dead bodies, all stacked

upon each other. The man dumps his two bodies on the stack.
The jarring causes one of the stacked bodies to come loose.
Her mask falls slightly, allowing a long ponytail of black
hair to fall lose from the costume. A circular hair clip
falls off the ponytail and rolls along the floor.

BEA (V.O.) (CONT’D)

Still, I think you might find the
full story of what happened here a
rather interesting. I know I do. I
mean, it’s not just every day that
I get to save the world.