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SHIT BLOWS UP by Kirk Shimano


BEA (V.O.) So this is the version of the story you probably heard on the 11 o’clock news. EXT. ROOFTOP - NIGHT GUY MANN, six feet four inches of sweat and muscle, scrambles to tie an emergency fire hose around his waist. He secures the knot and jumps off the side of the roof, the hose unspooling behind him. A HUGE ASS EXPLOSION ignites the space behind him. Guy grimaces as he watches the hose continue to unspool then lets out a satisfied GRUNT when it finally catches, leaving him suspended in mid air. The firehose begins to stretch ominously, on the edge of breaking. INT. ABANDONED CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS Guy swings back and forth, gaining momentum until he CRASHES through a nearby window, sending shards of glass everywhere. He lands on an armed MINION dressed all in black. GUY Hi. Just thought I’d drop in. He smirks as he takes a rifle from the guard. He edges to the side of the room and tries the door. It’s locked. Guy KICKS at the door. It doesn’t budge. He aims the firearm at the lock and fires. It swings open slowly. INT. STAIRWELL - CONTINUOUS Two more MINIONS are standing behind the door. Guy dispatches them before they can pull their weapons. He barrels down the stairs and bursts into... INT. FANCY FOYER - CONTINUOUS A multi-billion dollar showroom. The lights dim and a single spot light illuminates CRISPIN STRIKER on the opposite end of the room. Striker is dressed in a million dollar suit with a smile to match. His age is movie star indeterminate.


STRIKER Well well well. Mr. Mann, it really is some enchanted evening, isn’t it? Guy cocks his rifle and aims it at Striker’s head. YOU! GUY

STRIKER Ever the conversationalist, are we Mr. Mann? Well perhaps you should take this counter-argument into consideration. He retreats back into a shadow and emerges with CAROLINA, 33, in tow. The gag around her mouth only partially obscures her strikingly androgenous features. YOU! GUY

STRIKER Yes, me. Well, Carolina and I are going to take a moment to get reacquainted. It’s that great comeand-get-it day, Mr. Mann, so go to it! He claps his hands and a mob of identically suited minions drop from the ceiling. At the far end of the room, a BLACK BELT with a star-shaped scar can be seen twirling a sword menacingly. THE MOB (emotionless) Hopelessly devoted to hopelessly devoted... Striker exits, humming. Suddenly, everything is fists and feet. Guy ROARS as he flails wildly, sending minions flying into minions, bones breaking all the way. He uproots a tree and swings it around him. The momentum leaves him dizzy. He stops to catch his breath then looks around him - the minions now all neatly dispatched. The Black Belt comes charging at Guy. Guy reaches for his gun but the Black Belt kicks it into the air. The Black Belt swings with his sword but Guy ducks at the last instant, causing the sword to stick into a tree.


Guy tries to bum rush the Black Belt but is hit with a powerful KICK then sends him sprawling back across the room. Guy flails his arm wildly and finds that he has landed right next to his gun. He picks it up and fires. The Black Belt drops to the ground, motionless. Guy stumbles towards the door where Striker exited. A final minion jumps to his feet and rushes at Guy, but Guy plugs him with a shot to the chest. GUY Guess you just had to give it a shot. INT. AWESOME-ITORIUM - CONTINUOUS Guy enters a large intimidating room with a faux night sky. The center of the room is dominated by a GIANT DOOMSDAY DEVICE which breathes fire and emits bolts of lightning. Striker stands at the control panel, frantically entering numbers. Carolina is tied to a pole a few feet away. YOU! GUY

Striker doesn’t stop to look up. The ceiling of the building begins to open up to reveal the actual night sky. STRIKER It’s too late Mr. Mann! Once this device is armed I’ll unleash the Plastic Fantastic and nothing will be able to stop me! Light the candles. Get the ice out. Roll the rug up. It’s today! Guy pulls his gun and shoots at Striker. The bullet hits a support wire, causing a large beam to swing at Striker’s head. Striker steps lightly to the side. STRIKER (CONT’D) Hah! You missed! Guy takes another shot, causing Striker to take another step back, taking him directly next to Carolina. Guy pulls his trigger again but finds he is out of ammo. Striker laughs gloatingly but Carolina kicks him in the back of the shin then grinds her heel into his foot. Guy comes running over to them. He pistol whips Striker and pulls the gag out of Carolina’s mouth.


CAROLINA I’m sorry, but your services are no longer needed. She rolls him onto his side and then stomps on his groin, causing a sickening CRUNCHING sound. Carolina and Guy embrace with a long deep, kiss. They’re interrupted when the console begins beeping. CAROLINA (CONT’D) Oh no! I think it’s too late to use the deactivation code, but we might just be able to get it to self destruct. GUY NO! You should run. CAROLINA Oh don’t worry, there will be plenty of running. Just need to enter these three more keys and...okay, we have exactly thirty seconds. From when? GUY

CAROLINA From about fifteen seconds ago. Now RUN! They hold hands and scramble for the door. Just as they get to the entrance, an even HUGER ASS EXPLOSION begins to build behind them. They make it to the foyer and dive into a small pond, a giant fireball passing above them. FADE OUT. BEA (V.O.) So that’s probably the version you heard. And it’s mostly true. But it leaves out all the important parts. Or, more specifically, the important parts that involve me. Oh, I’m there all right, like... Time rewinds backwards. The explosion unexplodes, the minions get un-beat up, Guy runs back up the stairs and jumps back through the unbreaking window. BEA (V.O.) (CONT’D) Oh, wait, wait. Too far.


Guy comes crashing through the window, landing on a minion. GUY Just thought I’d drop in. BEA (V.O.) Yep! There I am! That’s me, right under his foot. And then later... Fast forward through Guy breaking down the door and running down the stairs. Striker delivers his monologue and a horde of minions descend. BEA (V.O.) (CONT’D) Stop! Freeze! A small red circle is drawn around a minion way in the back, football commentator style BEA (V.O.) (CONT’D) Yep, me again. But here’s the best part... Guy fights the Black Belt at triple speed. Guy runs for the door when a lone minion rushes him and is shot in the chest. BEA (V.O.) (CONT’D) Yes, there. I know, I know. You’re all thinking “So what?” I don’t blame you. EXT. OUTSIDE THE BUILDING - EVENING Guy Mann and Carolina stand in front of the burned rubble of the office building. The empty hull of the exploded Doomsday Device looms in the background. Cameras flash. BEA (V.O.) I mean, the media got their heroes and believe me, these two deserved it. And the city wasn’t decimated, which is always a plus. FADE TO: EXT. OUTSIDE THE BUILDING - THE NEXT DAY The same location except now clean-up crews are slowly sifting through the rubble. A man rolls a wheelbarrow with two minion corpses.


BEA (V.O.) And if a few corpses stacked up along the way, well, gotta break some eggs to make an egg-salad sandwich, right? The wheelbarrow reaches a mound of dead bodies, all stacked upon each other. The man dumps his two bodies on the stack. The jarring causes one of the stacked bodies to come loose. Her mask falls slightly, allowing a long ponytail of black hair to fall lose from the costume. A circular hair clip falls off the ponytail and rolls along the floor. BEA (V.O.) (CONT’D) Still, I think you might find the full story of what happened here a rather interesting. I know I do. I mean, it’s not just every day that I get to save the world.

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