How to Distinguish ADHD Warning

Signs from Typical Toddler and

Preschooler Behavior Webinar:
Supplemental Guide
 The Power of Connection
Kids with ADHD are often engaging and a lot of fun.
However, emotional and/or behavior difficulties can make it
hard for us, as parents, to maintain our connection with
them. Nonetheless, our relationship with our kids are critical
for their long-term well-being and promotes their:

Physical, emotional, and social development

Language development and reasoning skills
Academic success
Healthy life choices and positive behavior
Happy future relationships
Ability to regulate emotions and cope with stress
Positive outlook
Confidence and motivation
Problem-solving abilities

Here are a few things to keep doing to strengthen your

relationship with your kids:
Be warm and loving (e.g., smile and get down to their
eye level) in every interaction.
Create consistent boundaries and rules.
Listen with empathy. Show them you understand their
thoughts and feelings.
Be on their side. No matter what. Work through whatever
mistake together.
Problem solve together (vs. control and direct).
Help them feel accepted (they gotta feel it).
Take time to get to know them. See how they are doing.
Be available, no distractions, when they come to you.

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 Slivers of Connection
Brainstorm as many ways you can to create wedges of
opportunities to connect with kids. Slivers of moments here
and there will make all the difference in the long run.
Experiment and see which ones promote connection.

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 Power of Listening
If all you did was listen, even without saying a word, you would
make all the difference in the world for kids. Listen without
distraction. Be open. Be genuinely interested and curious in
what they have to say. Allow whatever comes up to unfold. No
matter how absurd of comments kids might make. Listen. And
listen some more. 

Once you can listen without jumping in with your side of things,
work on listening reflectively by mirroring what you hear.
Mirroring shows kids you are  willing to get out of your own
thoughts to try and  understand them from their point of view.
When your kids share their thoughts and feelings, repeat or
paraphrase what you heard until they agree you have
interpreted what is going on for them accurately (sometimes
we assume we know but get it all wrong). Doing so improves
mutual understanding, trust, respect, and cooperation. Most
important, kids feel they are important, which helps strengthen
your connection.

When you listen reflectively, you can offer words of

acknowledgement like "oh wow!" or even "mmhmm" to let your
kids know you are fully engaged.

When you mirror, you can paraphrase or even repeat back

what kids say. Sometimes it is helpful to use prompts, like:

Let me see if I’ve got you. I heard you say… 

You said… Did I get that?

Once they agree you understood them, ask them if there is

more. And then, leave it as is. The goal is to master the art of
listening for now (before jumping in to problem solve or
rationalize or lecture).

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 VALIDATING KIDS
Kids do good when they can. So, when they have an emotional
outburst or engage in problem behaviors, they are struggling.
Validating helps disarm any conflict situation situation so we
can best support kids.

Even more, validation is critical because it:

Lets kids know you understand and accept their perspective
and their feelings
Tells kids they are important to you and you accept them no
matter what
Shows you understand them. (If they don’t think you
understand, they are going to engage in behaviours to try
to make you understand.)
Helps kids acknowledge and express their emotions
Promotes kids' secure sense of self and confidence
Builds connection

Validation is not the same as fixing, comforting, reassuring,

correcting, or encouraging. Validation is about acknowledging
the truth of their experience, even if you see it differently. 

You don't have to agree with them and, you definitely do not
let them do whatever they want. You can acknowledge they
do not want to go to school, for example, though we know not
going is not an option. Of course it makes sense that they are
angry, but we know it is not okay to punch their peer to show
that anger. You can work on those separately - in the heat of
the moment, validate their struggle.

Validation is a critical skill to learn. Practicing is essential so

that it becomes automatic for you in heated moments when
kids misbehave and/or we are stressed out. For now, it is
about validating their feelings in the moment. (Behaviors can
only be addressed later on when every one is calm).

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 VALIDATING KIDS
Validation is one of the most important things you can do
when interacting with kids. By validating kids, you
recognize and accept their thoughts and feelings, even if
they do not make sense to you. We need to give kids
space to openly share without fear of being judged or
criticized.

Here are general steps you can take to validate kids:

Step 1: Stop and reflect on the situation

Be sure you are calm first
Decide what your goal is in this situation
Respond calmly

Step 2: Consider the situation differently

How could I respond differently from usual?
Remember kids do good when they can
How is this child feeling? How come?
What is this child going throug right now?

 
Step 3: Think about what might be getting in the way
Has something triggered you?
What are your thoughts and feelings about the
situation?
Are you judging yourself or the child?

 
Step 4: Validate
Practice validating statements (e.g., No wonder
you are frustrated - this is really tricky!)
Show you understand and accept the child (e.g.,
It's alright that you are frustrated, I get it)

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 Validating Kids
Use this worksheet to review a tricky situation a child was in to
practice validation. Better yet, use this to practice validating
kids in as many tricky situations as possible until it becomes
natural for you.

This is what the child was doing (describe the situation and the
child's reactions):

What outcome do I want in this situation (e.g., to stay

connected with the child and maintain harmony or disrupt the
connection and fuel the fire to try to teach a lesson)?

These are my thoughts and feelings about the situation (and the
child's behaviors):

I know kids do the best they can. I could let the child know I
understand by saying:

The outcome of the situation is:

I feel:

The child responds by:

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 EFFECTIVE
COMMUNICATION
Communicating effectively is critical to strengthen our
connections and managing any situation. Kids are willing to talk
to us when they know we will listen and not lecture, nag, or
berate.

Kids are most successful (e.g., better grades and less problem
behaviors) when they can communicate openly and effectively
with their parents. Parents are the most influential in their kids's
lives (even teens!) when it comes to things like family values
and behavior choices when they communicate effectively.

Effective communication involves being fully present,

maintaining a respectful and caring attitude, and
acknowledging kids' thoughts and feelings. Unhelpful
communication involves being distracted, uncaring, and
ignoring kids thoughts and feelings.

Although adults try to be helpful in their interactions with their

kids, there are several common communication traps they fall
into.

A common communication trap is talking too much. I therefore

often challenge adults to talk less. Going on and on only shuts
kids' brains down and comes across as nag, nag, nag.
Therefore, listening is the best approach.

Sometimes we try to push our agenda on our kids. We pretend

to listen but then jump in with our big "but," which only tells our
kids we were not actually listening, we were just waiting to say
our piece. It is therefore important to watch and see what
communication mistakes me make.

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 Effective Communication
After you have a conversation with a child, take note of
exactly what they said and exactly what you said.  Was your
response helpful? Did you make any communication errors?
Did your response make the situation better or worse?

What the child said:

My response:

They said:

Was my response an example of helpful, validating

communication (e.g., acknowledge the child's feelings) or
unhelpful communication (e.g., ignore their feelings)?

Did my response make the situation better or worse? Why?

What could I do differently next time?

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 EFFECTIVE
COMMUNICATION
Using scripts can be helpful in guiding effective
communication. Be sure to use I statements to avoid blame
and share what you need from your point of view.

I feel (am feeling) _________________________

When (describe the behavior – don’t blame) _____

Because ________________________________

Get your kids' perspectives by asking what is going on for

them and then brainstorm a plan everyone can agree to!

For example:
I worry when homework isn't done because it is easy to fall
behind and my job as a parent is to help you be successful.

I am wondering what is getting in the way of chores getting

done and how I can help? Let's see if we can work together
and come up with a plan.

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 Analyzing Behaviors
To identify the best behavior strategies, it is important to
understand why behaviors happen in the first place. Use this
data sheet to make sense of notable behaviors.

Consider the ABCs: 

Antecedent: Time, place, people, or events that are present
before the problem behavior happens.

Behavior: Specific, objective behaviors observed by others

(e.g., she pushed her sister and ran to her room). Include
frequency, intensity, and duration of the behavior. 

Consequences: The events that occur directly after the

behavior. There are two different types of consequences:

Natural Consequence/function of behavior (i.e., what the

child ‘got out of’ the behavior.  Common consequences
are:  to gain attention, to avoid a task, to communicate a
want or need, to self-regulate, to release tension, or habit.

Imposed Consequence:  adult directed consequences (e.g.,

time-out). 

It is useful to describe how effective your actions were

perceived to be (e.g., “She was calm for the rest of the day
afterwards”).

Use the following ABC sheet to record any time your child
displays notable behaviors. Be sure to also include positive
behaviors and times when your child is successful so everyone
can keep doing more of what is working!!!

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Analyzing Behaviours

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 Analyzing Behaviours
Remember: there is no such thing as bad kids. Kids want to
be and do good. And when they feel good, they do good.
When behaviors happen, that means kids are struggling and
need help. 

Behaviors are therefore clues about what is going on for

kids and what they need. Therefore, we don't want to try to
get rid of them right away. We need to first understand
them.
 
Kids have lots of needs, from basic shelter and safety needs
to feeling loved and belonging. They need to express
themselves without judgment. They need to feel confident
and in control. They need to be heard. They need to know
they matter and they make a difference.
 
When these needs are fulfilled, kids feel secure, they thrive,
and do not need to engage in problem behaviors. Behaviors
happen when they have tried but their needs are left unmet.
Behaviors might start as aggression but may later seem like
laziness as kids withdraw so they don't keep disappointing
everyone.

When we look for clues about why a behavior is happening,

we need to not only understand what happened right
before the behavior, but also how we felt as a result of the
behaviors because how we feel (frustrated vs. hurt) and how
our kids react to our reactions can tell us a lot about the
behaviors.
 

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Analyzing Behaviours
 Response Workability
Rather than thinking about our responses to kids' behaviors
(and consequences we may impose) as good or bad, think
about their workability - how effective are they in the long-
term? Below, list all the ways you interact with and respond to
kids' behaviors. Then, rate each from 1 (not at all effective; i.e.,
the behavior does not stop) to 10 (very effective; i.e., the
behavior never occurred again). As you try new challenges,
add and rate them here as well.

What strategies have you tried to Workability

reduce, control, avoid, or (1-10)
change problem behaviors?

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 Response Workability
Now start to identify effective strategies to replace ineffective
ones you may have used in the past.

What ineffective strategies What new responses and

have you tried to reduce, strategies could you do
control, avoid, or change instead?
problem behaviors?

e.g., instead of this: e.g., try that:

Yelling Whispering
Punishing Collaborating

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 Effective Consequences
Consequences are wonderful ways to teach kids about their
behavioral choices. Kids learn best from natural consequences -
we do not need to be involved at all and they will learn the
direct outcome of their behavior all on their own.

Natural consequences do not always happen, so there are times

we need to use logical consequences to show them that, with
privileges comes responsibility. Logical consequences can also
teach kids about the cause-and-effect of their behaviors, but
only if applied and used correctly. Consequences should  not be
punitive. They are teaching tools.

Here are a few tips to help you implement logical consequences

effectively.
 
Collaborate. Kids are empowered and more likely to follow
through if they are part of the rule making process and choosing
the most appropriate consequences. Kids usually have some
great ideas that are meaningful for them.

Positive expectations. Kids need to know exactly what

behavior you DO want to see but we usually tell them what we
don't want to see. We will say things like “no hitting!” but
ironically, that’s what their brain will focus on (so hitting will
likely to occur). And, we are not teaching what they should do
instead in those situations. Always state the rules in the positive
of what you do want to see happen.

Be explicit! Explain exactly what behaviors you do want to see

are. What does being nice mean? Or being respectful? Being
good? Playing nicely?

Transparent. Kids need to know what consequence will happen

before a behavior occurs.
 

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 Effective Consequences
Logical. If consequences do not relate to the problem
behaviors, they do not help teach kids about their behaviors.
It also takes away kids’ accountability for their actions –
something we already struggle with!

Swift. If too long of a delay happens between their behavior

and the imposed consequence, kids have a harder time
learning from their behavior.

Consistent. Once kids know the expectations and what will

happen depending on their behavior, follow through
immediately every time. Do not keep nagging or threatening
(e.g., to warn kids) - they know the consequences, they made
the choice, so we need to take action as well. Even if they
say, "okay, okay, okay, I'll do it!" you need to follow through.
They can try again next time.

In this way, they can take accountability for their actions

because they know exactly what will happen every time they
behave a certain way. Otherwise, the behavior is maintained.
If we give in once in a while because they screamed a little
louder or a little longer, we randomly reinforce their problem
behavior. This randomness is the strongest type of
reinforcement there is, which will only strengthen those
problem behaviors (now that kids know they just need to be a
little louder or persistent).

Non-judgmental. Remember, consequences are meant to

teach, not to hurt. Avoid any digging comments that
unintentionally hurt kids (e.g., "I told you so" or "Now you've
done it" or "Good work losing your iPad").

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 Video Modelling
Kids are typically unaware of their own behavior and do not
always realize, for example, if they are being disrespectful
and unappreciative. Therefore, we need to a) teach them
the behavior we expect and b) help them develop self-
awareness.

Video models help kids learn how to actively interpret

information and make meaning from our rules and
expectations.

We first teach kids to discriminate between the problem vs.

expected behaviors and ensure they understand what
behaviors we are wanting (e.g., respect and appreciation).
This can take some time to have a firm understanding of
what is, for example, appreciative behaviors.

You can first video the target and unwanted behaviors using
yourself or your kids as actors. Then practice. Take live
videos over time to capture when kids are interacting with
you. Sit down at a schedule time and watch the videos
together and have kids rate their behaviors (e.g.,
appreciative or unappreciative). In these initial stages, they
are reinforced for being RIGHT about their evaluation, not
whether or not they were being appreciative (otherwise they
will always just say they are appreciative).

Keep practicing and setting up opportunities for kids to

show the expected behaviors. Also model the behaviors
yourself. For instance, show lots of different ways to
appreciate kids and be specific about what you appreciate.
Even thank them for when they are thanking you for
something!

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Video Modelling
 Getting Tasks Done!
It can be tricky engaging kids in getting tasks done.
However, there are things we can do to get them engaged
and increase their independence while doing it.

Workstations are helpful, as shown below. Kids can have

baskets, each with one task they need to complete, from
top to bottom on their left hand side. They will pull each task
to the center to work on it and then to the finished basket to
the right once done. This set up helps them see what they
need to do from start to finish.

The fourth basket can have a transition object to tell them

what to do next, such as a note to see the teacher to check
their work or a picture of an apple to indicate snack.

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 Getting Tasks Done!
You can also use workstations for daily routines and chores.
You can use pictures for younger kids or just sticky notes for
older kids with one task on each sticky note.

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 Getting Tasks Done!
Workstations help promote independence because kids can
visually see the sequence of activities. Here, they can
predict what they need to do next and have a consistent
strategy for figuring out what they need to do during this
independent work time.

The concrete and visual information helps them get started

because the expectations are very clear. Therefore, there is
less time wasted and they can get more things done.

There are also minimal distractions. Within these work

systems, the most important information is emphasized,
which helps reduce difficulties processing lots of different
pieces of information and keeps kids on-task.

The key to setting up successful workstations is making sure

the tasks are all things kids have already mastered. We want
them to experience success on their own to help reduce
their dependency on needing an adult all the time. And the
only way they can experience that success is if they can get
through the tasks on their own.

Repeated practice also helps build automaticity in which

students can complete tasks fast and independently.
Automaticity  is important because then they can use their
brain power to new learning tasks.

Have kids help choose which activities to include. Be sure to

start with short, easy, engaging tasks to maximize their
success! Once they get more comfortable with workstations,
you can slowly add more challenging tasks (to one basket).

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