BABALON

Adventures in Sex Magick

by Seth Cardorra
Copyright 2017 by Seth Cardorra
 1. Introduction
In the beginning was Babalon.
And then there was Dick.
Once upon a time, I was a simple Dick, not the original Dick, but a very
fine example of Dick. According to the Greek philosopher, if I am Dick,
and Dick is a concept, there must be an Ultimate Dick out there some place
that is the foundation for all other Dicks. I do not claim to be the Ultimate
Dick, but I can tell you I have been one very Big Dick during my years on
Spaceship Earth.
Let us return to Babalon, or Babs if you like pet names, and everyone does
so let's go with that.
Her secret name is Barbara Ann. This is something of great importance and
should not be used unless you are in a place of great turmoil. Such as the
PA Turnpike at 3 PM. Hush! We will speak no more of this name, for it is
filled with terror and bad Internet connections.
And Here I must make the dedication to Babs least she kicketh my butt.
Babs.
She who glistens with oil and is seated on a throne of five football helmets;
whose crown is the full moon, colored silver as the Federal Reserve; who
wears a wreath of Hawaiian flowers about Her heck and has big breasts like
those in the magazines; who is steel-eyed and clad in a tight red dress; who
holds an appointment book and a diamond necklace while displaying the
gestures of Oral Pleasure and Come Hither; I meditate upon the that
Supreme Sister of Hotness, whom all adult books praise.
Hail Babs.
Babs, I praise your 69 names and forms. I strive to master each position you
have bestowed upon me, even if my leg went to sleep when I tried number
56. Babs, who finds me hot dates for a Saturday night and protects those
who are pale and burn easy in the sun. Babs, who rides a golden SUV and
tosses silver dollars to those close enough to avoid the military escort. Babs,
whom I make offering to every morning after the cold shower. Babs, who is
my key holder when I am overcome by temptations of the flesh. Babs,
whose gaze of love pierces my left nipple like a silver ring and shield from
the Sailor Dick’s in Atlantic City. Babs, whose nail polish glistens it the
moonlight and whose red hair flows in the face of Her consort while the
universe is engulfed by Her soft thighs of love.
Hail Babs again.
Babs, who is surrounded by fiery attendants with fuel-injected engines.
Babs, who spanks the rear of those who disappoint Her. Babs, who thrusts
Her oiled fist of justice into the open orifice of hate all the way to Her
elbow of righteousness. Babs, I wear your barcode on my left buttocks and
hide it each day from those who would stare in disbelief. Teach me your
ways, Babs, and please put that oak paddle down because I promise to be
good boy the next time.
Babs. Babs. Bada-Bing-Babs.
How did I find Babs? Or did she find me? The Prophet knowest not as he is
Dick. And he knows Dick because Dick is who he is and shall ever be. Babs
knows Dick but she does not know Jack who is in possession of great
knowledge. The greatest awareness is of the Shite Nation and Dick does
know Jack Shite. Although it is by Bab’s Will alone and someday he may
lose Her grace and then it will be Jack Off.
Note the power of the numerical significance of Jack and Dick. They are 13
and 13 the sum of which is 26 which is the feminine form of Jack and as he
become Jackie O. But only with size 13 pumps at the bar down by the
canal, which we knowest not to admit in public. Let us speak no more of
Jackie, least the Sacred Merkin show disfavor.
Prophet Dick encountered Babs in the back of a public house one night
during a deep and profound meditation. The governor of the public house
told him to go forth that evening and leave the unescorted women alone as
they wished to imbibe their refreshments in peace. After five potent potions
of John Barleycorn, Dick was true to his name and earned the designation
“Creeper” from two and five maidens. And then Dick offered to relieve
them of their maidenhood burdens. Dick was seized by Four Holy Hands of
St. Bounce and propelled into a higher level of awareness until he met with
the pavement.
As Dick meditated on the cool hard surface of the concrete, he became
aware of a bright light that shone from the back of the public house. He
traveled to the back entrance of the public house and spied a brilliant
mercury arc lamp that illuminated the refuse. There, Dick sat down and
began to reflect on his own karma and dharma choices in this incarnation.
Thus, did Dick realize he was the receiver of The Divine Shaft and all that
it plunged. His mind was seized by the realization borne of hard contact
with a stone surface. Dick cried out to the Lord of the Universe or anyone
who would take his toll call collect. And then Dick did not receive an
answer or even directory assistance. Dick wept at the utter lack of a
universe who had not one final Jack to give.
Then did Dick hear the sound of sharp stilettos on the rough surface before
him.
“Son of Rich,” the voice called out to him, “why are you such a Dick?”
“I knowest not Dick,” he told the tall woman clothed in the parking lot
lights, “how can I be Dick if I knowest less than Jack?”
A large ledger book fell down from the sky and landed in front of Dick’s
visage. It was followed by a fountain pen made from black ivory. The
inkpot descended next and bounced off the ledger, striking Dick in the nose.
Dick saw that the ink glowed in the bottle and it was good.
Dick looked up at the woman clothed in the parking lot light. “Who art thou
that I may call you, Blessed of Women?” he cried out to Her. By now, Dick
was on his knees.
“I am known by many names,” the voice called down to him. “Some call
me Babalon, some call me Ishtar, some know me as Mildred, but I am
known through the ages as Barbara Ann. You shall call me Babs, because I
like to keep it simple and it fits better at the bottom of a promotion sheet.
Bow, Dick and receive my blessing.”
Dick did place his head down to touch the dust of Her feet, but found Her
gone. As he waited for further instructions, he heard Her behind him.
“Well, done, servant,” she told him. “You know how to assume the position
and keep it. Now, show Babs your full moon.
Dick did raise the moon for Babs to see and waited for more instruction as
he held his pants up to keep them from touching the ground.
“Prepare to receive the Blessing of Babs, Dick,” he heard behind him.
“Babs shall cleave your heart with the long sword of elastomer soon as she
gets the strap adjusted. These things are supposed to be custom fit.”
Babs anointed the moon of Dick with sacred oils distilled from Myrrh and
non-petroleum based sources. She sheathed Her sword in the sacred O-ring
and pierced Dick through the cleft in his moon nine times for each age of
the universe and to make him remember who was in charge. Each time Dick
felt his mind expanded. He felt places he didn’t know that had nerves. He
cried out the sacred words “Ow!” with each thrust.
“Rise, Dick,” Babs told him as she pulled Her flexible sword out his inner
heart. “Pull thy trousers up, least thou are hauled before a magistrate. You
have received the blessing of Babs and took it like a big boy. Back on your
knees and eyes down!”
After he’s adjusted the belt of leatHer, Dick dropped to his knees again and
starred at the shoes of Babs. In front of him was arranged the book, pen and
inkpot.
“Open the book,” Babs thundered at Dick. He did at was instructed.
Dick discovered the book consisted of lined, blank pages. The name of its
manufacturer was printed in gold and it appeared to be any book you might
find at the office supply company. Dick’s heart was full of confusion. He
looked up at Babs and was puzzled.
“I do not understand, Babs,” he said to Her. “I seek wisdom from the book
and find it naught. Its pages are white. Do my eyes see and not
understand?”
Dick’s face then stung from the buffet of Babs. “Thou fool,” she said to
him. “Does thou not get it? Doest thou think Babs has naught to do put peg
drunks in the parking lot at night? You shalt listen and thou shalt write what
Babs does tell you. Now get thy pen filled least Babs decided Her sword
needs to taste thine bum again! From now on, thou art called ‘Prophet
Dick’!”
And thus Prophet Dick of the Sore Cleft was born.
 2. On The Nature Of Babs
Let the wise man learn from Prophet Dick’s lesson least he desire to have
his heart pierced by Bab’s siliconized sword of bright pink. Babs is a
jealous ruler with no desire to wield Her 8-inch long, realistic, and molded
from life, weapon into the soul of a man, even if he should be willing to pay
extra for it. She has inked Her barcode on my left buttocks and made a sling
for me in the presence of biker chicks. My column is locked in Her
polycarbonate cage and she holds the key to the carriage lock. Yea, my balls
will follow Her leash unto the ends of the earth.
For Babs is a fierce Mistress who carries the rawhide tool of severity
attached to the D-ring on Her webbed belt. She walks upon stiletto boots
with high laces and makes Her servants tongue wash the dust of iniquity
from the black polish of the tips. She is truly a fearful Mistress who pierces
the loose flesh of those who displease Her without topical anesthesia. It is
the fool who attempts to pull a fast one upon Babs.
Those who pledge themselves to Babs need to know the tasks that lay
before them. She rewards Her faithful servants, but expects much in return.
He who would follow Babs must weed Her lawn and dust Her pink
flamingoes. Many are the orchards that need pruning and few are able to
climb the ladder of salvation to reach the top fruit. Fewer still are those who
can vacuum the many mansions she has within Her house or wash the trim.
Some are called to plunge Her pipes of sacred water and others to fix the
leaks. For many are called and few know to answer the phone.
To follow Babs gives greater blessing than any lip pierce. Babs wants no
slackers or idle boasters. Babs desires deeds and fortitude. She needs those
who can balance their checkbook and leave the comfort of the basement.
Babs can be demanding. Prophet Dick was slow on the uptake one day and
earned 13 red stripes on his backside, one for each time he said “no” that
week.
Consider the bear. Is it not a strong and powerful animal? Does it not need
plenty of rest every year? Yea, does it not shite in the woods? This is
wisdom, of that Prophet Dick does not know, but he Babs has told him and
the prophet merely writes what he is told to avoid five across the face.
Hear now the words of Babs, whom we shall call by Her designated title
Babs from here on out.
“The universe is endless and without form that can be understood by
anyone, even those who possess STEM degrees from MIT. It is every
changing and flows across the very nature of space and time. Space is the
place and defies the human race. At the heart of the origins of the universe
lies the Supreme Babs who is without form or understanding. Dig it
because thou art coolness.”
The fundamental essence of this form is known as Supremedivanahababs. It
is manifested to us in the form of Supreme Diva Babs because she does not
want to use extra syllables to make this concept sound more impressive
than it already is. Turn down the volume and listen to the vinyl version that
can be purchased for a nominal fee. He who is wise must use the best
turntable and track it with a tone arm of supreme quality. Yeah, those who
do not skippith the groove.
It is from this essence of time and space that springs forth Supreme Diva
Babs. She possesses the ultimate qualities of front, left, right, up, down and
center. Five are the qualities, five are the fingers on a hand; five the number
of counting after the pin on the grenade is pulled. He who has ears, let him
have a beer.
As the Supreme Diva Babs cannot manifest itself in this reality, since all
reality is a part of it, the Supremes need to find a way to make better music.
It was at the beginning of time that the Supreme earned a hit single and
began to find a way to reach out into creation. To do this, the Supreme
manifest its self into twin divine forms with are in an eternal embrace of
pre-orgasmic love. There will be more about this later and pay attention as
it will be on the test.
“Oh gracious, Babs,” Prophet Dick asked. “How can Supreme Diva Babs
become Babs and what is the secrecy of Her success? Enlighten me to the
wisdom of the great ones and will I get overtime for this work?”
“Listen, My Prophet,” Babs told him. “And pay attention as thou hast a
tendency to forget everything I tell thee. Get it right the first time or your
testicles will spend much time in a vice of my design.”
“I strive ever to understand,” the prophet told Her as he scribbled away,
“but I lack the ability read mine own handwriting.”
“Thou hast said that of which concerns me not,” Babs told him. “Perchance
thou need to be garbed in a pink dress and paraded in public?”
“Verily,” Prophet Dick said to Babs, “Thou knowest the motivator and I
shall strive to improve the cuneiform of mine penmanship.”
“The understanding of Supreme Diva Babs is not for mortal man to
question. It is a prime condition for good credit and a score that is pleasing
to the financial institutions. Accept it as given and do not go forth and try to
beat the house.”
“I will now tell you of the mine divine consort,” Babs spoke as she lay on
Her bed of silk and examined Her manicure. “These are a most powerful
knowledge and share it with those who understand I too have needs.”
“Verily,” Prophet Dick said as he wrote, “I too have many qualities which
Babs could find useful and a raging staff in my hand.”
“Hush!” Babs told him. “The only staff I want out of you is that of which
you write. Mention your staff again and it shall be locked up for another
month in the cage of steel. I have a special one with thy name engraved on
it just for the occasion.”
“Yea,” Prophet Dick responded with balls of blue, “please continue to speak
and raise my enlightenment.”
At the beginning of time, Supreme Diva Babs created the HypoBabs to
better approach the universe on its own terms. Within the HypoBabs are
two forms locked in permanent embrace. They are the Babs and the Harri.
Harri is well named, just as Babs likes them, and is represented by the
celestial constellation Ursus. Babs is represented by the constellation
Virgo. Together they are represented by the constellation of the Beast with
Twin Backs. Let the wise man meditate on what this represents.
Harri is represented by the naked cowboy and lies upon his cosmic four-
poster bed. Here is a great secret: his pistol fires and never runs out of
bullets. His bullets strike but never their intended target. Meditate upon this
and the wise man will understand the meaning of the beast with eight limbs
and the mystical union of Christ Rozethathurts.
Harri is also represented by a man with a 10-inch sword that never inflates.
His sword is ever soft and Babs must whisper words in his ear to sharpen
his sword. Harri’s sword never leaves the sleeve and yet is always up for
action. Babs keeps his sword sharp for him and ever does he plunge it into
the eye of Isis.
It is a great mystery how the sword of Harri springs to life when Babs
appears. Some say she knows what makes his heart bounce, some say she
shops in the right adult stores.
Harri has many names also. From the ages before man he was known as
Steed, since the beginning he’s been called The Dudeness, Horus, and
Priapus. We shall call him Harri since he is and this is the name Babs likes
him to use. Harri is Bab’s companion with benefits and Her daily relief
from maintaining the universe. Without Harri, there is an unhappy Babs and
that is not a good thing.
Outside the HypoBabs, they split into Babs and Harri. This is how Harri can
function without a work permit. As Harri, he cooks dinner and takes out the
garbage. How is it that Babs and Harri can separate even when they
generate this reality from their embrace and love play? Prophet Dick strives
to understand, but lacks the mystical key where it will all makes sense.

3. On The Forces of Albert

Although the Supreme can make some beautiful music, it has the sum total
of all reality in itself. And this contains the bad parts too. Just as everything
is beautiful in its own way, it can be ugly as well. Consider two apples on a
tree. One is pecked by a bird. One is ignored. The bird knows which to
avoid. Why not eat both at the same time? Does Babs explain this to me?
Of course not, she has much more important affairs to attend. Let him who
gives a shite continue. Ouch! Babs, I was only kidding.
Which brings us to Albert, who seeks to use the power of Babs for himself.
In the beginning of time when Free Will was handed out to all creatures
with agency, Albert thought he should have it all for himself. Babs
explained there was only so much to go around, but Albert wanted it all to
place in his collection of famous Wills. Babs sent out Debbie to do battle
with Albert. After two long eons of fighting, Debbie found an opening and
floored Albert with one precise sucker punch. Albert was banished into the
body of a brewer in a small town of no significance.
But the brewer did send forth a son whom Albert manifested. Albert
became a pain to the entire cosmic creation, but he did no trouble as he
lacked the financial means to do more than blow what little cash he had on
hand. But his forces multiplied across the land and now the human race has
to deal with him one way or another.
Albert is the reverse of Babs. He finds those with weak wills and exploits
them. He promises great things and knowledge, but delivers it not. Albert is
at the seat of every rotten thing in the fruit. He will multiply and send forth
his force until inflation is out of control and it’s impossible to find a single
issue of the Penthouse with Vanessa Williams. Heed the warning of Albert
and beware his path. Albert makes the apes speak and bury large statues in
the ground for no apparent reason.
So long as Albert is loose upon the land, there will be no harmony with the
Supreme through Babs. Why does Babs permit Albert to push his inequities
across the land? Free Will. It would cost too much Free Will to bind Albert
to the bottomless pit. Besides, the pit is full of politicians and she needs the
room for newscasters.
Only by meditating on the image of Babs can humanity know true freedom.
Albert flees from the vision of Babs as a vegetarian runs from a hamburger
stand. The image of Babs must be deployed whenever there is an infestation
of the forces of Albert. More will be said later, plus the address of where
you can send money to obtain the limited edition image of Babs. Act now,
operators are standing by.
Albert maintains his power in the world by the use of the monolith. What is
the monolith? Can it be explained?
“Can I have a bathroom break, Babs?” Prophet Dick asks She Who Is
Supreme. “It was the Holy Beer.”
“Yes, but don’t waste time, we are just now getting to the monolith. This is
a very secret thing and you need to understand it.”
After Prophet Dick bled the lizard, he returned and took his pen up and
resumed writing. The night was dark, but his ink glowed. Babs warned him
no to tarry again or she would gird Herself with a thicker sword the next
time. Prophet Dick resumed.
The monolith represents everything man longs for and cannot have. It is the
starring TV sitcom role or the starting position on the NFL football lineup.
It is the night with the movie star and the perfect body buffed and tanned. It
is fried chicken without fat and beans without gas. It is how Albert seduces
the innocent and preys on their weakness.
The monolith is an organization so secret even to utter its name without the
protection of Babs will send you into the celestial dish washing detail.
Albert seduces men with promises of wet babes, but rewards them with
massive debt and student loans they cannot pay back.
“What about women, Babs?” Prophet Dick did ask. “Why haven’t you
mentioned the role of women?’
“I will get to that in my own time, Prophet,” Babs told him. “And for
interrupting me, drop your pants and bend over.”
After six of the best were administered with the sacred birch, the lessons
continued.
Fear the minions of Albert, as they promise much and deliver naught. Fear
their signs and whispers. They are organized and in strict commands. Those
below do not know those above and the chain of command runs up to the
15th degree. Those who are bound at the lower levels will never know the
true power of Babs, but will be on the receiving end of Her celestial boot
when the time comes. Do not anger Babs unless you desire to have the sign
of the boot stamped on your back.
To imagine the monolith, visualize a large black rectangle that sits in the
desert and is worshiped by those who are lost in ignorance. The black
rectangle absorbs all light and lets none escape. It shows the way to San
Jose, but why would anyone ever want to go there. Ask the monolith not for
guidance. It will give you knowledge, but not wisdom. The monolith
appears to be a thousand channel TV when first glimpsed, but the truth is
that all channels are tuned to the Albert Broadcasting Network. Once you
are taken in by the broadcasts of Albert, the binge watching begins. The
victim will soon starve to death as he imagines the pictures of delicious
food to be real. They are lies and Albert knows this, uses this, to deceive the
unwary.
Albert and his monolith will continue to propagate through humanity if left
unchecked. Babs decided long ago that she needed to keep Albert on a short
leash. Then Albert learned to chew through his leash and escaped the
kennel. Bab’s solution is to send out the celestial animal control officers to
take him down.
Think of the battle between the forces of Albert and those of Babs as being
one of struggle. On one side are Albert and his Bark Brotherhood who
manipulates the fate of mankind. On the other side are Babs and Her Secret
Chefs who track the progress and infiltration of the Bark Brotherhood. The
bite of the Bark Brotherhood is dangerous, but the Secret Chefs know how
to cook them good.
Look for the sign of the monolith wherever the forces of Albert have
manifested. It can be seen in the most obscure of places, as Albert doesn’t
want to attract too much attention to his activities. He cannot hide from
Babs, but he seeks to conceal himself from humanity. Albert specializes in
selling scurrilous degrees and certifications that do little more than cancel
each other out. He leads the unwary into bogus investing schemes and
spiritual pyramid frauds.
Always at the heart of Albert’s activities is the Monolith. Albert erects
black monoliths everywhere he travels and feeds from their power. The
uninitiated cannot recognize the monoliths or the true nature of their
identity. Whenever someone wants to sow hate and discord among people,
there you will find a monolith functioning. The Secret Chefs track them
down by their slice and dice methods. They destroy each monolith when
they find it. The monolith is a sign Albert or his followers are near. The
Bark Brotherhood gathers to howl at the moon on specific nights. Consult
your local mystical listing and learn when to avoid them.
In the end, Babs will triumph over Albert and bind him into a special cell
for a thousand years. Albert will be set free for a time period known as The
Great Train Station. When the locomotive of Babs arrived on time at The
Great Train Station, Albert and his friends will launch a war to take the high
ground and travel down the tracks. It will do him no good, as Babs will
seize him and his False Profits. Assets of the False Profits will be seized by
Babs and there will be no more Recessions or Depressions.
Seek not the advice of Albert or any of his minions. Such is the way of the
salamander and warthog. Instead, follow the path of Babs and earn green
stamps to place in your divine books which can be traded in for spiritual
prizes. Beware the dog walkers who do not walk real dogs. Some have been
transformed into the servants of Albert.
Albert is to be avoided, treat him like a relative who embarrasses on New
Year’s with bad jokes. Verily, the guest will leave and the house shall return
to normal in due time.

4. Our Friend Entropy

“Tell me of the Great Entropy and the uses of it,” Prophet Dick asked Babs.
“Why is it something we should value and treasure?”
“Once again you interrupt me, Prophet,” Babs spoke. “I can see six of the
best across the bottom was not enough to get your attention. Shall I make
thou count to 25?”
“Pardon my insolence, Great and Blessed Babs.”
“We shall let it go this time, as it was a matter of which I intended to speak.
Do you have your pen ready? Good, you shall continue.”
Entropy is a lack of order or predictability. It is the gradual decline of order
into disorder. Since this universe is finite, there will be a gradual increase of
disorder or chaos as time factor increases. Babs works with entropy to
control the gradual dissolution of the universe that will conclude at the end
of this age. Entropy is the way it is measured. There is a finite amount of
entropy in the universe and she has control of it.
Albert desires entropy, but Babs will not let him have it. Babs is there to
make sure the entropy is ready for all who would need it. Entropy has no
physical reality, but, like greenback dollars, everyone believes in it. So long
as everyone believes in it, entropy will maintain power over the universe.
The Supreme is energy and chaos; entropy is a measure of it.
Entropy is desired by all things, but only those with agency can store it.
There will come a time of great entropy. The fifth horseman of the
apocalypse will ride through the streets with a gravimeter at his side. His
horse is invisible, as the chaos has overwhelmed it. He cries out, “Chaos for
you, energy for me, why don’t you entropy and set us all free!” He is the
second of the final horsemen of the Great Rat Gear.
All power at the beginning of creation rested in the body of Supreme Diva
Babs. The moment of the ProtoBabs, the entropy of the universe fluctuated
wildly. It has been long enough for the entropy effect to take place and the
chaos to become a determine factor. Even to the forces of law and chaos,
fight it out in front of entropy. Entropy would travel home and take a
shower for all of this preening to stop.
Babs channels the entropy bestowed upon humanity by Supreme Diva Babs
to everyone equally. Without Supreme Diva Babs, there is no entropy.
Supreme Diva Babs, there is controlled chaos. With Babs and Harri inside
the ProtoBabs, entropy flows from between them to the current universe so
it can maintain itself.
Two is the number when Babs and Harri are in the embrace of the
ProtoBabs. Creation continues and entropy is blessed to all when Babs
lowers Herself on the column of Harri. Waves of pleasure between the two
cause the universe to maintain itself. A creation that Albert wishes to
disrupt for his own bitter ends.
 5. The Special Purpose of Babs

In the mundane science of chemistry, there exists the concept of the “free
radical”. These are molecules with unpaired valence electrons. Although the
planetary theory of chemistry is a joke, it is useful for any study of chemical
structure and needs to be understood. To continue, the “free radical” or, as I
like to call it, “Fred”, is extremely chemically reactive. The right Fred
injected into an unstable system can cause a runaway reaction that will
continue to completion if it’s not stopped by some inhibitor. It doesn’t
matter how big or small, this will run until it hits that thermodynamic wall.
It doesn’t take many Fred’s to do the job; a minute amount can initiate a
chain reaction that will blow your panties off.
Babs unleashes a cosmic Fred into this world to bring about change. It
doesn’t take an entire army to bring down an empire, as the example of
Russia in 1917 shows us. The right Fred in the correct place can dissolve
too much accumulation of Albert. Albert constantly fights to find ways to
control human destiny, but he must contend with the forces of Babs, who
has several little tricks to keep him under control that he doesn’t know
about. Every time Albert thinks he has things wrapped up neat and in a bow
(Germany, 1940), all it takes is the right application of Freds at the proper
point to bring it all down in a cascade of fire. In July 20, 1944, a few Freds
nearly killed Hitler. They failed, but the results of their plot drove him
insane to the point of stupidity.
As the cosmic jest, Fred can throw a wrench into anything Albert might try
to come up with at this time. Albert cannot conceive of the universal Fred,
so he has to hold it inside. Eventually, Albert will swell and burst, as he
could not release the Fred troubling him. Such is the wisdom of the
universe.
There are more things that exist in this reality than I am allowed to speak
about, but they will manifest in due time.
Consider the coffee shop. Many parts go into a good mug of Joe. Many
people are employed to produce the one good cup of coffee you enjoy at the
local shop. And there are many parts to a cup of coffee. Some are dark in
color, some light. All are brewed together in just the right manner to make a
fresh cup that chases away sleep.
Babs is the great percolator of the present universe. She takes the efforts of
mortal man, brews them clean of impurities, filters out the raw substance,
and recycles it for later use. Then she applies the froth of Her mind to the
cup and makes it creamy. Afterwards, the brew is ready to be consumed
into the great body of the faithful. This is a powerful concept and should be
meditated on daily.
All dissonance is created from Babs. She is the great dystonic generator that
makes the spheres sing praise to the universe. Too much harmony leads to
grey and too much grey makes Prophet Dick a dull boy. It is not good for
there to be dull dicks. Dull dicks are sick and tick. Can you make a tick sick
dick trick? No? Babs didn’t think you could either.
Harmony is overrated by the men who crave it. Do not crave harmony, as it
will vibrate your mind out of its case. Get down and get funky instead.
The funk is sacred to Babs. She desires Her children to be always funk.
Notice the great bands of the past that used the powered of the funk to get
their will accomplished. Babs dispenses funk to Her faithful.
Babs believes in magic and wants you to do the same. Without magic, there
are no wills to work and humanity leaves plenty of wills behind to work.
How could the lawyers spend so much time in court if they have non-wills
to pursue? If Babs can provide for the meanest of attorneys, surely she can
do the same for you. Never doubt the sincerity of Babs.
Once there was a knight who doubted the power of Babs. He’d been faithful
to Her all his life. As he grew older, the knight no longer felt he should
make offerings to Her. He no longer sent Her priests the leather chaps
without the butt that she commanded them to wear. The High Priest showed
up at his castle one day and asked for his allotment of chaps.
“Get them yourself,” the knight, in the middle of a large feast, shouted over
the wall. “Let she who calls Herself Babs take care of the priests. Let Babs
send them the studded codpieces they are commanded to wear. I think they
are a bunch of dilettantes and pretty boys. Let them find their own young
women of legal age to initiate into the mysteries of Priapus. I am tired of
subsidizing these layouts.” And then the knight sent them away.
The priests returned to the temple of Babs with no women of the right age.
They returned bare of ass and hard of heart. There was no joy in the temple
that year and many of the priests were tempted to sins of the flesh with their
right hands.
Six months after they were sent away, the knight awoke in the middle of the
evening to see a hand writing strange words on the wall of his bedchamber.
He summoned his wise men to the court who told him the meaning of the
words.
“Babs has weighed your kingdom in Her great scale,” the first wise man
told the knight, “And she is sick of you putting your thumb on it.”
“This night,” the second wise man told him, “You kingdom will be taken
from you.”
The third wise man was nowhere around as he’d seen the words first and
desired not to be in the king’s chambers when the shite hit the blade. The
other two wise men soon followed him.
That night, as the king tried to find a wise man who was still in the palace, a
plague of locusts descended on it. It was followed by a rain of hell that
killed the locusts. The rain of hell was quenched by a blizzard that buried
the palace. It, in turn, was removed by a heatwave that boiled the pavement.
The next morning, when the trembling king emerged from the dungeon
disguised as a common peasant, Babs waited for him. She grabbed the king
by the scruff of his neck and pulled him up to Her 900 ft. height so he could
stare in Her massive eyes.
“Now do you get it?” she yelled at him, Her voice the sound of thunder.
The king told Her he did.
“Then getest thy ass down the remains of your palace,” Babs said to him.
“And the next time I send my servants to you, fuckest with me not.”
The king was allowed to rebuild his kingdom. He praised Babs every day
and gave his excess jewels to the poor. Never did he refuse Her priests
again.
A few years after he died, his castle was swallowed by an earthquake, and
then his kingdom was destroyed by a tidal wave.
Babs was off doing something else that day.
So what have we learned from this story? Not to mess with Babs or depend
on Her for everything.
Such is the wisdom of Babs.
“Explain to me the means thou ended up in this mess,” Babs asked Prophet
Dick. “You weren’t always found behind sleazy taverns.”
“It is a long story,” Prophet Dick did tell Babs. “If you want to, I can tell
you what happened. I was not always this way.” His head slumped to the
ground in shame.
“Give me the short version,” Babs told Prophet Dick. “I don’t have all
night. There are fallen sparrows I must count.”
“I was a man of wealth and means,” Prophet Dick told Her. “And then one
day a young courtesan showed me some attention. I spent too much money
on Her. My money soon ran out as I spent more time on Her than my
business.”
“These things happen all the time,” Babs told him. “People never learn.”
“And then my wife found out what I didst behind her back,” Prophet Dick
told Her. “Her rage knew no bounds and great was her anger. When she
found out, my wife took a blunt object and proceeded to apply it to my head
in a most liberal manner."
“Happens all the time,” Babs commented. “You damn men can’t keep it in
your pants. And then what happened?”
“After Her legal representative sent me through the wringer,” Prophet Dick
told Her, “There wasn’t much left. And now you see me in the form of
which I am.” He hung his head in shame.
“We have much on which to work,” Babs sighed. “But I have to start
somewhere.”
“Listen and write,” Babs told Dick. “I speak of some very important
matters. I speak of the fundamental force which drives men insane.”
“I speak of sex.”
In the beginning of this age, it was decided that the beings with agency
could not have it too easy. They needed something to scatter their brains
and make it hard to achieve things. For beings which have a good life do
not struggle. They needed a reason to exist. They also needed a reason to
temporary leave their painful existence and merge with the Universal Babs.
It was decided to use an old plan B. This plan was dusted, cleaned and
initiated.
Thus was born the primary sex drive in the hearts of men.
“Women too?” Prophet Dick asked.
“Silence, he who kisses the pavement,” Babs said as she buffeted him with
Her left foot. “We get to that part later. I speak of the reason men lose their
minds and buy printed-paper. I speak of the small booths at the back of
certain bookstores. I speak of scrambled channels on the TV. And I speak of
an industry, which generates more money in the USA than the budget of
most countries. None of this was part of the original plan.”
We knew if men had an illogical motive for their motivations, they would
go to great lengths to find it. We gave them the sex drive of twelve silver
back gorillas. Few are the men who wish to do more than root forty-five
minutes out of the average hour. With such a powerful need, men are force
to build great cities and strive for perfection.
This is the ultimate cosmic jest. Sex. There is no logical reason men do
such foolish things, but we have given him the motivation to get off his
rocks. Man is held in the control of his sword that hangs between his legs.
We’ve made it hard, and it does get rock hard at the worst possible times.
But we have also given man common sense on how to control his urges.
From this comes many sciences of understanding and more that is worth
shite. But ever man strives to come to terms with his need to find the way
into woman’s pants. Laws are created to control it and religions were
formed to combat it. But the sex drive will never go away, because we have
made it permanent. Learn to deal with it, Oh man, and not suppress its
basics. It will always be with you, but triest not to have sex in the streets, in
the public restaurants and crowded beaches. Besides, no one wants to see
that in action up close. Just keep in mind, you will never get rid of it and it
is no curse. And let Hugh Hefner know he hasn’t paid in months; we have
our eyes on him.
 6. The Legal Age of Babs

“So where are we now Babs?" asked Prophet Dick. “I am losing track of
myself."
"Have you written everything down of which I spoke?”
“So far, O Great Onest,” Prophet Dick did tell Her. “I ran out of ink but
switched to the second pot.” He held up the book with the glowing words so
that she could see what he’d written down.
Babs leaned over to have a peek. “Second ink pot?” she asked him. “Where
did you find a second ink pot? I don’t recall giving you more than one.”
“I found it under the rubble last night near the old chemical plant,” he
explained to Her. “It glowed and I thought it might have some value, so I
saved it.” He held up the inkpot for Her to see.
Babs took it from him and had look. Indeed the pot shone, but it was not by
Her actions. Suddenly, she knew why the pot glowed.
“You idiot,” she shouted at him. “This is contaminated waste. The fluid in
this pot contains radium. Do you have any idea of what you’ve picked up?”
“Sorry, I tend to forget a lot of what I should know.”
“I’m removing the curse on it,” she told him. “But you can’t use it when
we’re done as it will kill you from prolonged exposure. Great, that means
the manuscript you write can never be shown to the unprotected.”
“I’d thought you wanted me to engrave it on silver plates or something,”
Prophet Dick told Babs. “Didn’t that work for someone else?”
“No, that was gold. Silver tarnishes too quick. Bonus points for creativity.
Now resume writing and next time ask me before you decided to use
radioactive ink!”
Hear the words of Babs. This age is the age of the cowgirl it will last ten
cycles until the next one commences. The wise man knows when the age
begins and ends, but usually isn’t around to see them both. That privilege
went to Leroy Jones, who had much Fred in him, but we will talk of such
matters later. Or not. I haven’t had enough sleep to make a decision.
During this age Babs rides Harri from the top and their love continues until
Harri achieves lift-off. When Harri clears the launch pad, the age will end.
But this age will not end so long as Babs is on top. She is to remain on top
as she controls Harri’s positions and the angle of his thrust. Harri can’t
manage his thrusting so long as Babs is on top, which forces him to become
creative.
At the beginning of this age, the Age of the Cowgirl, Babs told Harri to lie
on his back and she’d take care of him. Harri was foolish and thought she
had something else in mind. Too late, he discovered the weight of Babs
pushing down on him. He was motionless. Babs isn’t going to let him up
until she’s good and ready. Thus our present reality continues.
The previous age was that of the dog. In this time, Babs is on Her hands and
knees and Harri approaches Her from behind. In this age, Harri is in
control. Thus, the rule of the man continues at the expense of the rule of the
woman. Here Babs waits for Harri’s throbbing tool of reality. Harri pushes
his consciousness deep into Babs until he hears Her tell him that is far
enough. Now Harri is in firm control of the activity, with Babs left to
ponder the father of nations and what is on Her shopping list.
The age of the dog was one of roaming and lack of science. Marauding
tribes ruled in the wasteland and the cruel force of nature reigned supreme.
Tough were those who lived in caves who avoided the large lizards that
preyed on the unwary. This was a time when the big lizards ruled the earth
and cheap visual effects were in place before the modern computer graphic
enhanced ones.
Babs was not in control during this time and the power of the infinite
resided in Harri. All men cared about where gross satisfaction and the
scores of football games. Women were forced to hide in fear and pursue
useless occupations. Darkness ruled the lands and credit card bills went
unpaid. Even TV shows were watched by candlelight.
In due time, the cycle turned and Babs reigned supreme once more. But
reality was forced to pass through a time of poor economic opportunities
and low wages.
It was during this age that humanity was broken into four classes. The first
was the class of the professor, wise men who carried out the sacred peer
review procedures and told the people what truth was and what falsehood
was. They carried out the blessed grading system of all other classes and
determined who would advance to professional school or would drop out
and take factory jobs.
The second class was that of the bosses, the men who were born to trade
make commerce and conduct employment reviews. All classes beneath
them bowed whenever they walked past and begged for salary increase.
However, they seldom granted the requests, as it would look bad for their
own reviews.
The third class was known as the Jodies, men who enforced the will of
other men. They kept the peace in big cities and made war against those
whom they were turned against. There was much spilt blood among them.
The fourth class was the salarymen, who were forced to bow down to the
upper classes. They struggled each day to earn their bread. The salarymen
prayed for a decent retirement fund, but found it gone when they were old
enough to activate it. They filled an important function, that of shuffling
paper.
There was a fifth class known as the vagrants who rejected their role in the
class system and hid far away. Little is known about them.
The age to come is the age of the reverse cowgirl. In this time, after the
universe has destroyed itself, both Babs and Harri will retire to their
celestial hot tub and enjoy margaritas. The universe will reconstitute itself
and Babs will have Harri get back down on the cosmic waterbed for another
go. Before Harri knows what takes place, Babs will be back on him, but this
time she will face away from him. She will still control his movements and
he will still be the static partner in this dance. Once again, Babs will be the
woman in control. She will sit down on him and he’ll be lost in a heavily
post-coital bliss, ready for another go around.
The Age of the Reverse Cowgirl will move into being and creation will
begin anew.
This will be an age where all wants are satisfied and every desire is
supplied, so long as it is between consenting adults. No longer will the
secrets of the universe need to be written in flowery language to get them
past the network censors. Beer will not go sour, nor will wine be spilt. The
celestial alchemy of Babs will reign until the entire cycle is ready to begin
anew.
How long will this cycle take? No one knows and Babs won’t tell. Hush, it
is not for us to know or speculate. We deal with the Here and now and The
Age of the Reverse Cowgirl is in the Life to Come category. Even tattoos
will be removable without laser surgery.
How do we know when this age comes to an end? Consider the ants, they
know when the farmer brings his produce to market and travels along. If the
ants are clever, they know to travel with the produce and end up in a land
more hospitable to their survival. Thus, it is with the faithful of Babs. They
see the signs and know when to pack up. They travel to the desert and wait
for the great cosmic ship to take them to a better place. If it doesn’t show-
up, they go home and watch TV. Sometimes it’s not good to put too much
faith in absurd prophets.
The Age of the Reverse Cowgirl will arrive with a rodeo star on the back of
a horse. She will enthrall everyone in the arena until she is recognized as
the sweetheart of the rodeo. The rodeo star will rope the clowns of the
rodeo and take them back to the bunkhouse at night. The next morning, the
clowns will depart with their makeup smeared and their balloons popped.
The foolish clowns will not be able to enter the bunkhouse once it is locked.
They will be forced to wait outside with their bottles of seltzer water.
Let him who has fingers count on them and understand. The ways of Babs
are mysterious and unknown to the uninitiated. Initiation comes at a price,
but can be paid on the installment plan.
“What time is it Prophet Dick?” Babs asked him who writes these words. “I
have a lot to cover tonight and need to get on with it.”
“It is not yet midnight, Most Beautiful,” Prophet Dick told Her. “You want
me to get you some coffee?”
“I don’t drink that stuff,” Babs told him. “It keeps me awake all night. Now,
to continue.”
The end of the Age of the Cowgirl will come like a rustler in the night. If
the cattle boss knew the rustlers would come, he could alert the sheriff and
have the posse ready. Yea, even the Hanging Judge might be ready by the
time of the first reel. The cattle boss could afford to bring in a singing
cowboy by the time the rustlers were apprehended. But this script will not
play out.
The end of the Age of the Cowgirl will come in the manner of an Italian
Western. No one will know who the stranger is when he rides into town
until it is too late. Even the cattle baron will not be able to stop the divine
power of Babs when she makes Her final thrust down on the four-poster
bed of divine balance and hold Harri down for one final time.
By the time both of the big gangs in town have assembled themselves to
confront the one gunslinger who seeks to destroy them, it will be too late.
Just as the gangs close in, they realize the truth and that the stranger is a
metaphor for everything wrong with society. Albert will no longer have any
Fred he can use to prolong the inevitable.
As Harri squirms under the smooth thighs of Babs, the universe will
explode in one massive end credit and crescendo of orchestral music. Albert
will no longer have any power he can use against the faithful. He will
vanish in a hail of silver bullets from the lone gunman as his own gang
fades into the iris. Evil will not rise in the sequel.
Babs will put on Her Chinese silk robe and leave the exhausted form of
spent Harri on their bed. She arrives in the steam engine of guidance to lead
the faithful away into the sunset of the age. The faithful will take their
places on the train and show the tickets in their hearts which lead to the
Promised Land. Babs will send the Universal Ticketmaster down the aisle
to collect the tickets and ensure their hearts are pure. The train will follow
the sunset as the end credits roll.
Thus will end the great age of the Cowgirl. Harri will sleep content until
Babs comes for the next round and wakes him up. Harri will complain that
he’s not a red bull and Babs will let him know that’s too bad because she’s
ready. Harri will not disappoint Her, but will need a few minutes to get back
into the mood. Babs will get him in the mood fast.
 7. She Who Rides Like a Cowgirl
“And now comes the part where we talk about alchemy,” Babs spoke to
Prophet Dick. “This is another very important part of what I am telling you
this evening, so don’t mess it up. Not like that guy the last time.”
“You’ve done this before?” Prophet Dick spoke to Babs. He was stunned, as
Prophet Dick assumed he was the first one to do this.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” Babs roared. “He did the wrong thing in my
eyes and messed up the transmission. For some reason I am attracted to
soused prophets. Now listen and write, oh man of soil, least the flexible
sword gets another work out.”
Prophet Dick continued to write with his pen.
There is great power in the transmission of the bodily fluids released during
the act of love. Co-mingled they have utmost power and can be used for a
number of sacred rites. However, care should be taken they are not
contaminated by the small demons which breed in the organic matter. It is
important the fluids collected should be isolated and preserved. They may
be mixed with alcohol or any medium that kills the microscopic demon
creatures. In an emergency, they should be burned and the ashes used. The
ash will still contain the precious essence of the lives that were co-mingled.
A perfect medium to dissolve them in is alcohol eggnog. The drink itself
appears to resemble the effluent of Harri and even has the right thickness.
This is the secret of the creation of the alchemical gold that all the prophets
have sought for ages. It is made every time a man and woman mingle in the
proper way. Care must be taken to ensure the effluent does not escape the
crucible so that it can be used later.
Once the alchemical gold is produced it has excellent adhesive properties
and may be use to glue many useful things in the house. One adept used it
to paste stamps into his collection and thus created the first alchemical
stamp collection in history. His collection accumulated in value and he
reaped much rewards when the collection was sold.
However, the wise man keeps the nature of this mixture secret and out of
profane ears. The uninitiated are not to be told of how this can be used. Let
them think it is useless and soils their bed linen. Babs has many such uses
for bodily fluids, but the alchemical gold is the strongest one. The Gold of
Babs has more uses than it is possible to list at the present time.
Collecting the gold should be accomplished in the night under a full moon
out of doors, but watch out for the angels in blue who will smite those who
undertake this operation. The wise man finds a hidden place behind a large
billboard to undertake this process where no one can notice him at night.
“Is this what is meant by ‘The Golden Nectar’?” Prophet Dick asked Babs
as he stopped writing. “I think I read about that someplace.”
“No, that is something else,” Babs told him. “You are reading too many
fetish magazines.”
It was at this point the parking lot illuminated with the bright light of the
sun, although it was yet night. Prophet Dick checked his wristwatch and
found it to be five minutes before the middle of the night. He did not
understand why the parking lot was filled with such light.
Suddenly, the light from the parking lot ceased and Prophet Dick could see
what caused it. The sound of a large engine rumbled as it shifted to idle and
Dick did see a large chariot in the parking lot with a slant V-8 engine. He
admired the workmanship that went into this fine piece of Detroit steel.
The door swung open and out stepped a man in a uniform. Prophet Dick
feared this might be a blue angel of which Babs spoke, but noted the
uniform was not blue, but black.
It was then that Prophet Dick noted the man was not wearing a military
style uniform but that of an ordinary chauffeur. It had not occurred to him
that Babs might have need of such trivial means of getting around. He
watched as the chauffeur approached Babs and bowed.
“Will you have need of the car tonight?” she was asked.
“No,” Babs told him, “you can use it for the fights again.”
The chauffeur bowed and walked away.
“Good help is hard to find and I need to keep him around,” she commented
to Prophet Dick. “What? You think I transported myself all of the time to
my prophets. I get tired as well.”
“Then why do you need me to take down your word to the world?” Prophet
Dick asked Her. He was utmost confused. “Surely, Thou Who Art Chosen
among Deities could afford a marketing campaign.”
“Those dilute the message and I don’t like to use press agents. They cost
too much and do too little. You, on the other hand have potential. Once I
can find a way to get you dried out, we may be able to do something. Do
you have any more questions now that you’ve interrupted me again? I
thought I told you to cut that out!”
“How am I going to promulgate your word once I write it up?” Prophet
Dick asked Her. “I am hardly the kind of man to whom people will listen.”
“I’m working on that angle,” Babs told him. “I’ve got plans, don’t you
worry. With the right amount of diet and motivation, there is much we can
do with you. Anything else? I’m on a tight schedule tonight so we need to
get this moving. Hell, we’re not even at the halfway point.”
“No, I think that is all I have for the moment. Given time, I will have more
questions.”
“I’m sure you will. Just save them up for the end, okay?”
“Wait, I just remembered!"
 8. Raising the Column for Babs
“I do not understand the full meaning of this ‘raising of the column’,”
Prophet Dick said to Babs. “I have puzzled on it and the meaning of the
reverse cowgirl, the full cowgirl and dog style you talked about earlier in
the evening. Is this a form of yoga which goes beyond the union mentioned
in the ancient scriptures?”
“Are you serious?” Babs said to Prophet Dick. “Verily Dick, thou name
does fit the profile! I have to spell it out for you so thou can hast
understanding?”
“Is this something to do with that sword you wielded?” Prophet Dick asked
Her. “My loins still have the memory of it deep inside. Please, do not put
me through it again!”
“It involves a sword,” Babs told him as she pulled Prophet Dick up to Her
level. “Thou pink fool. Now drop those pants and lay down on the
pavement!”
Prophet Dick was overwhelmed by the image of Babs in front of him as his
pants fell down to his ankles. Next, he followed Her instructions and fell to
the ground. The gravel of the pavement was rough on his backside, but he
remained still and awaited the summons of Babs.
The summons came quick as Babs seized his own private column with a
grip that did make his eyes rotate in the skull. Prophet Dick felt his little
prophet swell to a capacity he had not known since ingesting a blue pill
slipped to him by a vengeful former wife. Once it was at full capacity, Babs
descended on top of him and then he knew the true meaning of “Cowgirl
Style”.
Babs rode him for a good hour and made Prophet Dick see the stars,
constellations and outer planets. His consciousness rose and fell at least
four times until Prophet Dick felt he was one with the universe. Babs kept
him going for at least another hour. Then she rose off him and looked down
at the subdued form of Her Prophet.
“You get it now?” she asked him. “I know I did. Now get thy pants up, take
up thy writing instruments and resume your work.” To make the point, she
kicked Prophet Dick into a sitting position with one well-placed high heel
shoe.
“Indeed, thou art a woman of supreme power,” Prophet Dick told Her. “My
understanding of the universe and the power of women were much
heightened by what thou hast shown me. I do not think another hour would
have been endurable. My soul was pumped out through my column and into
thy essence. What the hell did you give me?”
“I gave you nothing, Prophet Dick,” Babs told him. “You always had the
ability to go the distance inside you. Up until now, thou lacked motivation.
By seizing control of your manhood, I have you the motivation you lacked.
It is a great wonder men are so easily led, but such has it been since
creation.”
 9. Babs Barcode
“Babs,” Prophet Dick told Her. “I am sorely vexed and sore in my vexes. Is
there a way we can go somewhere and chill beforest we precede? I could
use a drink right now.”
“You could use many things, Prophet Dick,” Babs told him, “but a drink is
not one of them. You have drunk too damn much this evening already. You
drank too much last evening and the one before that. Prophet Dick, you
need to understand you have a problem with the fruit of the vine and what it
is doing to thou liver!”
“I agree, Babs, I have drunk too much. At first, I thought thou might be a
gin goblin, but I see the truth in what you speak. What needs I do, Babs?”
“The first thing we do is get you dried out. But to do that I need to have you
pledge your virtue to me so that I do not waste good pearls before a swine.
Are you ready to take the mark?”
“What is this mark of what you speak?” Prophet Dick asked Her. “I have
heard you mention it before and I need to understand what it is.
“All of those who pledge loyalty to me will take my mark,” Babs explained.
“It is the mark of Kern, who came up with the basic code that doest run my
tracking programs. I will show you the mark of Kern and you will have a
better chance to understand it. Come let us see it in action. This place is
becoming a bore and we can return to this point in time as needed.”
Babs raised Her hands and Prophet Dick found himself transported to a
large tavern on the out skirts of town. In it, there were many people who did
imbibe in the drinks served at the bar. Prophet Dick felt the desire to
partake, but Babs was with him and he desired not to cross Her. The
memory of the flexible sword was fresh in his mind.
Prophet Dick observed people walk around and avoid himself and Babs. He
found this odd as Babs towered over most of the other people in the room
and was hard not to notice. Prophet Dick couldn’t understand what took
place around him.
“Why do they not pay us attention?” he asked Babs. “They avoid us, but
don’t even look in our direction.”
“We cannot partake of what happens in this place,” Babs told him. “We are
here to observe.”
“I still do not understand.”
“Oh, Jesus Christ! Did you ever see A Christmas Carrol?”
“Well, the one with Mr. McGoo….”
“Okay, numbnuts, the same idea!”
“Oh, now I get it.”
Babs grumbled about clueless prophets and looked the room over. Soon, she
found something that managed to attract Her attention.
“Note the woman who stands by the bar,” she told Prophet Dick. “She is
one of my followers. Note how she refuses the attention of every man who
buys Her drinks.”
Prophet did note the many glasses in front of her. Verily, the woman was
striking and did attract much attention from the men in the tavern with
raging columns. But attention, she paid them not. The bachelors who
followed her were indeed stripped bare by her lack of attention.
“Now watch closely when this next suitor approaches Her,” Babs told
Prophet Dick. “Thou will learn a great truth. As for the rest, see how they
fight like brothers. Yeah!”
Prophet Dick turned and saw a group of men who argued among themselves
throwing punches and striking each other. They seemed to find no relief in
their attempts to attract the woman’s attention.
And then did one man step from the crowd and approach her with a drink
held high. He walked to her at the bar and placed said drink down next to
the haughty woman. She looked at it, picked it up, sipped and drank. She
turned back to him with a look of amused interest, but said nothing. The
man looked at her in return and pulled down the waistline of his pants so
that the woman might see what was below the belt.
The woman’s attitude showed a great transformation as she displayed
interest. She raised her leg up and the man looked down to the split dress
she wore that showed her thigh. He nodded and smiled. She returned the
smile and placed her arm in his.
As Babs and Prophet Dick watched, the couple walked off arm in arm. The
other suitors looked upon their successful rival with rage and ordered many
rounds of the drinks. The settled down to their tables to drown their
sorrows.
“What the hell was that about?” Prophet Dick did ask Babs. “That guy had
the build of an underfed accountant and he scored while the stud muffins in
the back were regulated to the loser club. What did she see in home that let
it happen?”
“They both bore my barcode,” Babs told him. “With this mark, they will
know each other and find time to do the Great Jerk. In a few minutes, the
two will check into a temporary residence that rents rooms by the night.
They will commence to do the Great Jerk nonstop for the next two hours.
And yes, but the Great Jerk I mean what I did to you before we came here.
The difference is that it will be between mortal humans and not between
humans and divine beings. Their alchemical elixir will be strong, but not of
the same quality I produce when Harri and I get down.”
“How does this barcode differ from the others that I see?” Prophet Dick
asked Babs. “They all look the same to me.”
“It would appear to be that way before you were enlightened,” Babs
explained, “but now you will see the symbol inside the code. Come, let us
follow them and you will see what I talk about.”
Prophet Dick followed Her through the walls and streets as Babs had the
“Christmas Ghost” power on full. They entered a small room the couple
rented after their meeting. In a sole bed in the room, the woman rode the
man cowgirl style as Prophet Dick expected. On her thigh was the barcoded
mark that Babs mentioned to Prophet Dick.
Prophet Dick walked over to the woman, who rose and fell with a regular
pattern, and peered at the bouncing barcode. When he was able to focus his
eyes on it, he saw a most miraculous thing emerge from within the pattern
of the barcode.
It was the symbol of a couple in the act of cowgirl riding. It was not
obvious at first, but his eyes brought out the symbol from it as they focus on
the pattern. It was plain and anyone who had the knowledge of Babs could
see it. Prophet Dick was greatly impressed by the barcode.
“Time for you to get one,” Babs told him as she grabbed Prophet Dick by
the shoulder. The room swirled around him and they vanished.
The scene faded into what Prophet Dick thought was a doctor’s office as he
faced a chair before him such as one that might be found in a doctor’s office
or dentist’s. Yet, the room was filled with pictures of skin illustrations on
the walls and ink in a stand next to the chair. Next to the chair stood a man
in a short top who smoked a cigarette.
“Sorry about that,” he apologized. “I have to watch myself or license and
inspection will show up and shut me down.” The man walked over to a sink
and dropped the lit cigarette into it.
“Business is slow,” he said again to them. “Another one? You want him to
get the regular?”
“No,” Babs told him. “I want the super deluxe special. Got plans for this
souse once I dry him out.”
Prophet Dick was tossed on the chair. Babs ordered him to pull down his
trousers. The next thing he knew there was a buzzing sound and the man
placed the sacred barcode upon him. In a half hours’ time, he was finished.
Prophet Dick went to the mirror on the wall and was astonished to see a
barcode mark, which displayed the sign of the cowgirl to those who could
recognize it. However, this sign appeared in red. The one he’d seen before
was in black.
“Good job, Norm,” she told the man. “We need to run.”
“Put it on the usual account?” he asked Her.
“Yes. You know I’m good for it.”
“I know that, Babs. I’m glad you bring them here. With the way my
business has run this month; I needed them to make the bill payments. Any
time you want to get anyone else marked, just bring them here. I have the
flash on file and can pull it up whenever you need it.
 10. The Divine Liturgy of St. Jezebel
And now I speak to you of the The Divine Liturgy of St. Jezebel,” Babs told
Prophet Dick. “Once again, this is a very Holy Thing which I tell you and
which you must write down with great care. For this is the manner in which
my people may achieve Babosis, or the unity of Babs with the faithful. This
is to be done a minimum of every month in the Babs temples and should be
carried out by the most trained among you who have been doing alchemy
for a long time. As you will see, it is good for Bab’s priest and priestess to
carry out their transformations at the same time.”
Each band of believers should have a temple dedicated to Babs and located
in the most disreputable part of town. It should be in an area frequented by
thieves, publicans, politicians and sex workers. The temple will be a holy
place for all the downtrodden who can venture inside it to receive the
blessings of Babs and carry on Her Holy Work.
The temple should be in a storefront or an abandoned warehouse. Its
furnishings should be made of recycled metal and plastic parts so as not to
put undo hardships on the faithful. It should have offices for private
consultations and plenty of access to the Internet, especially the adult
channels. The temple should be named for one of the great saints of the
Babs. In this case, the temple is named for St. Jezebel of the Southern
Wastelands. During whatever holidays the temple wishes to serve, free
condoms and prophylactics will be distributed to the poor and downtrodden.
The temple is in the shape of a large high-heeled pump. If the layout is
visualized as a huge shoe lying on its side, the temple can be thought of as a
curved on one side with the altar where the stiletto heel would be placed.
The congregation is seated where the body of the shoe lies on its side.
The temple should be decorated with 156 images of Babs, as this is Her
sacred number. These images should be painted by the faithful and not
fobbed off to an outside party. The number 156 represents the total ages of
Babs leading up to the current one. Where the heel of the shoes lies is a
plane altar about three feet height that can accommodate the weight of the
priest and priestess.
From here on out the priest will be known as the Babst and the priestess the
Babsa.
There should be an outer door and chamber where the faithful may remove
their clothes and store them in containers. The liturgy is not to proceed
unless there is a naked congregation seated in the shoe body. This is to let
the faithful know there is no hiding their interior motivations from the eyes
of Babs. Also, Babs finds the idea of a naked congregation a hoot.
There are five officers needed for the liturgy. Besides the Babst and the
Babsa, there are to be two attendants of both sex, and a collector, who can
be of either sex. The attendants are there to assist the Babsa and Babst. The
collector is there to make sure everyone has paid their dues and to go
through the pockets of the clothes left in the changing room to see if the
faithful has loose change in their pockets.
The Babsa and Babst will wear plain white lab coats for their part in the
liturgy. The attendants will wear angel costumes that can be purchased at
any local costume shop. The collector will dress all in black and carry a
large ledger book with him to check the names of those who paid dues that
evening. The collector will also carry a large green bag with the symbol “$”
on the side. The Babsa and Babst will wear nothing under their lab coats for
reasons that become obvious later.
The liturgy is to begin with the attendants opening the door to the inner
sanctuary and admitting the congregation, who will have shed their clothes.
The attendants will have ensured the benches are covered with cloth and
cushions. They will have lit the candles and dusted the floor.
The attendants will make sure the faithful are naked as they enter. When the
congregation has entered the sanctuary, the attendants will shut the doors.
At this time, the collector will enter the changing area and look for the loose
change. All change will go into his green bag. When he finishes, the
collector will knock 13 times on the sanctuary doors. One of the attendants
will admit him after he hands them a written statement as to how much cash
he found. The three minor officers will advance to the heel part of the
sanctuary where the altar is located and wait for the high officers to enter.
The high officials enter from the opposites of the front of the sanctuary and
take their places on opposite sides of the altar. When they are in position.
The attendants speak.
Both attendants say to the audience: “Doo-Be-Doo-Wah!” This is an ancient
and secret name of the Babs.
The congregation chants the response: “Doolang-Doolang-Do-Do-Do!” (A
secret name of Harri).
At this moment, the attendants join hands and circle the area in front of the
altar eleven times. The congregation claps each time a circle in completed.
This is to represent the eleven ages of man.
Both the Babsa and Babst clap their hands and recite the Holy Credentials:
“I believe in one almighty Babs whose local version is Babs. I believe there
is one supreme reality of which we don’t know a thing. I believe all divine
beings are cool, but some have bad attitudes. I believe Babs has the best
line on what will happen after we check out and that she is cool. I believe in
the consensual relations of adults, no matter what the sexual preference. I
believe in the communion of Babs to help us get what we need even if it’s
not what we want. And I believe that this is very rad. I believe in the divine
feminine and she is awesome. Hail Babs!”
The congregation shouts: “Babs-Ba-Bing”.
Note that this last term is also a Holy sound made by Babs when the
universe was created this time. At this point, Babs became the ultimate
Babs that are not the same as the local Babs. The local Babs, which rest in
the hearts of the faithful, were manifest and thrived inside the soul. This is
the inner Babs that can log into the Ultimate Babs at any moment. The
congregation should reflect on the inner meaning of these words after they
have been recited.
One attendant holds up the holy book of the Babsonian Saints and lets the
faithful see it. They clap and cheer when the book is held high. The
attendant lowers the book and begins to read from a random chapter or
verse. Depends on what is happening at the period. This book is known as
the Babsarium and can be obtained in a limited edition from your better
New Age and Occult shops.
Here is an example from the reading of the Babsarium:
“On this day we celebrate Patsy Kline, the great singer and example of
musical ability. It was she that led a revolution in country music that spread
across the land. Her legacy continues to this day in all cheap beer joints
south of the Mason-Dixon line. Blessed be Saint Patsy.”
The other attendant then reads a list of names of that are held up as great
examples of Babsonian martyr saints:
“All praise these Holy Women Saints: Leah, Rose, Mary, Jeannie, Roody,
Bertha and Mary. There are many more but this is what we have time for
today. Consult the bookstore online for a detailed biography of each. More
information can be found in the latest Babsarium edition, which can be
purchased for a small fee.”
To conclude the readings, the Babst picks up a copy of the 1965 Sears
Christmas Catalogue and reads a random page. He closes the catalogue and
hands it to one of the attendants. The attendant kisses the front cover of it
and places it with the other books on a small card table set off to one side of
the temple for this purpose.
The reading part of the service closes with a lecture from the Babsa. She
steps forward and gives a small talk on whatever subject might interest her
at the moment. The only requirement for this part is that the talk not is a
question and answer format and that it is interesting. Boredom in sermons
will not be tolerated by Babs.
Once the reading part is concluded, the congregation sits back down and
waits for the final part. The collector trolls through the faithful for any
money they might have brought in with them in their hands our otherwise.
Once he’s sure there is no more cash to be had, the collector makes a final
note in his ledger and takes it and the green bag up to the card table, where
he deposits both on it. The attendants each count the cash and make sure the
count agrees with each other. The collector makes a note in his book and
takes the green bag to a safe in the corner where he deposits the money. He
will stand watch over the money for the rest of the service and not
participate. Later that week, an armed security guard will appear and take
the cash with the appropriate paper work to the bank.
After the money is counted, the two attendants retire to the back of the
sanctuary where a curtain on a frame rests. The move the frame around the
altar and close the curtain. The Babs and Babst retire behind the curtain
while the attendants read from an appropriate book to sustain the audience
and provide for the proper mood. Suggests books are The Yoni Tantra, Story
of O, Venus in Furs and Lady Chatterley’s Lover. All of these books can be
found online at the local temple supply store. Shipping is available
overnight for groups that need them in a hurry.
Once within the curtained area, both the Babsa and Babst remove their lab
coats and toss them over the side of the curtain so the congregation will
know what takes place on the inside. The congregation will hum the divine
vowel “Oh” while the next part of the liturgy takes place.
Once disrobed, the Babst lays back on the cushion on the altar. The Babsa
ensures he is suitably aroused and makes certain his column is straight and
no less than 90 degrees from the level of the ground. The Babsa ensures the
column is properly lubricated by a careful application of Abramelin silicone
oil (also purchased from the temple supply store). When she is satisfied to
the level of the column hardness, she mounts the Babst cowgirl style and
begins to generate the sacred alchemical reaction until both participants
have fired their cosmic guns.
While this takes place, the two attendants set a small pedestal up in front of
the curtained area and place a small metal bowl on it. Hot charcoal is placed
into the bowl and touched with a frankincense crystal, just enough to
generate a good scent, not so much to set off the fire alarm.
At the moment of completion, both Babsa and Babst will signal their
readiness by proclaiming the word “Wahooo” from behind the screen. This
is the key for both attendants to collect the result of their alchemical
operation. If both Babsa and Babst are taking too long, the attendants are
permitted to go behind the screen and stimulate them to the point where
they can finish what they’re supposed to do.
A sample of the alchemical metal collected, the two attendants then takes it
out to the small pedestal where the censer is burning. The pedestal is then
used to burn the alchemical metal collected from the Babsa and Babst.
When it is totally reduced to ash, the remains of the alchemical metal is
then mixed with a small amount of sandalwood paste the attendants took
the time to purchase earlier in the day. There should only be a small part of
the alchemical metal that remains to be burned and placed into the paste.
While the attendant is doing this, the attendant who is not involved in the
mixing product chants the words “Babs, Babs, Babs, Babs,” over and over.
The chant helps bring in the divine presence of Babs.
Meanwhile, the Babst and Babsa are reclining on the cushioned altar. They
will need a moment to come to the normal world and need to adjust to the
present reality. However, they should not smoke cigarettes during the
adjustment period.
When adjusted to the post-alchemical reality, the Babs and Babst will place
their lab coats back on and emerge from the curtained off area. This will
take place when the Babsa announces their desire to do the Great Jerk. The
attendant not concerned with mixing the paste and alchemical blend will
open the curtains to reveal the satiated Babsa and Babst.
The Babsa will step forward and take the mixture from the attendant who
will step back from Her. The Babsa will hold the mixture overhead and
announce it is the “Essence of Babs”. She will then invite the faithful to
come forth and receive the blessing. The Babst will asset Her, but he has a
subservient role at this point.
The faithful will rise from their benches and form a line. The first faithful
will approach the Babsa who will touch his or Her head with a dab of
alchemical sandalwood paste. Every time it happens, they will say “Babs be
with you. The blessings of Babs go with you.” The anointed congregant
will bow and say, “Hail Babs!” as they receive the mark. They will then
proceed to the changing area and put their clothes back on their body. This
will continue until every member of the congregation is clothed and in the
changing area.
When the Babsa has decided all the faithful were blessed, she will indicate
Her pleasure to one of the attendants. The attendant will proceed to the
sanctuary door and open it. The attendant will ensure all the congregants are
clothed, then pronounce, “Bab’s blessing be with you.” Then the attendant
will close the door and secure it.
The faithful will file out the door of the changing area to the street with the
last one of the faithful locking it as he or she leaves. They will melt into the
streets, their relationship with Babs secure.
The attendants and greater officers will disrobe and place their street clothes
upon their bodies. The leftover alchemical sandalwood will go out with
them when they leave. It will be buried next to a tree so that the cycle of life
may regenerate at a later date.
Thus ends the Divine Liturgy of St. Jezebel.
 11. Massaging Babs
Of the many aspects of Babs, the most important is that of tease and denial.
Babs is the master of this mystical force and she uses it to achieve many
things that would normally be beyond mortal knowledge. Babs knows the
power of Tease and Denial. She knows how to apply it to the best of any
abilities.
“I don’t get this one either,” Prophet Dick said to Babs as he placed his pen
down. “If you are all-powerful, why do you need to control men in such a
manner?”
“Because they like it, thou fool,” Babs told him as she once again buffeted
Prophet Dick. “What use is it to take away their free Will? You want these
horndogs to think they get something for nothing? Nay, they must think
they have the ability to choose. Without this ability, the fools will gladly do
what I tell them, but they won’t think about what it is that they do. It is
crucial they assume this happens because they want it to. Elsewise, Albert
will grow ever stronger and I can’t have that happen.”
It is a great power that Babs bestows on some of her women disciples when
she teaches them the sublime arts of Tease and Denial. Through this great
practice, they learn it is possible to control the pillar as it rises in their men.
Men will do anything to achieve completion. If women can hold this out to
them, they will follow their women around like unto sad puppies.
“Now are you happy, Prophet Dick?” Babs spoke to him. “I have mentioned
women and how they can use the power of Babs. Satisfied?”
“Wondered when you would get to it,” Prophet Dick grumbled. “Ow! Babs
that hurts!”
“You just wait, little man.”
The secret is to secure a man on his back and make sure his column is
raised. Then bind him in such a way that he cannot move. Show attention to
the column until it begins to move on its own accord. Then remove the
stimulation. When it rises to the occasion again, return the stimulation, but
do not let if fire. Continue this for five cycles. At the end of such time, the
man will be ready to scream for relief. By now, you will have him in your
power.
In such a matter does the universe continue. So long as Babs keeps Harri on
his back and in control of his column, the creation of the next era will not
take place.
“Do you get it now?” Babs spoke to Prophet Dick. “Once the little head is
under control, the rest of the initiate will follow. This is not so hard to
understand and you’ve had several examples already. I see no further need
to explain it to you if you do understand.”
“I think I’m getting it now, Babs, Oh Great Lady,” Prophet Dick told Her.
“At last,” Babs told him. “I was starting to lose hope. Oh, well, on to the
next part of what I have to say.”
Now we shall talk about how the essence of Harri can be used by those who
are adept in the Great Jerk of Babs. Harri is very powerful, although he is
pinned down by the body of Babs so long as this universe exists. At the
beginning of this age, before Babs put Her full cosmic weight on his
celestial pelvis, Harri was a young man full of vigor. He did follow the
other deities around and try to find out how it was possible to love so many
maidens in one day. He interviewed the great Hercules and tried to find out
how his success was obtained with the daughters of King Thespius. But
Harri was unsuccessful and was forced to spend many a night at the cosmic
Drive-in eating popcorn alone on top of the celestial 1965 Mercury Sedan
(with air conditioning).
It wasn’t until Babs had him down on the four-poster bed with a foam
mattress that he understood his full power and ability. Ten thousand years
are as nothing to the divine, but never less, we have to wait through the age
before Harri unloads his essence and the world ends. How then, does the
wise man take advantage of that which Harri can unleash in full? Right
now, it can only be extracted in its basic alchemical form from the wet spot
on the heavenly sheets.
The power of Harri is accessed by using the fundamental forces of time. If
one could reverse the direction of time and travel backward to the end of
the previous age, that of “The Dog”, it would be possible to extract Harri’s
effluent at the moment the universe ended as was recreated. This can be
done by a special series of invocations and rites. These can be performed at
a minimal cost and need only to be accomplished by a registered Babsa who
has the right diploma.
The product of Harri’s issuance and use of it is known as Spunknik. This
material can be used for many things, from adhering together mystical
documents to anointing the sick. A Babsa of high confidence and in tune
with the universal Babs current can use an equally skilled Babst to generate
the material needed for the operation. Note that this is not the same as the
alchemical metal created from the cowgirl union of both Babsa and Babst.
This material is generating in a wholly different way.
The Babsa takes a Holy Chalice, specially consecrated for the Great Jerk
and places it over a cloth of pure silk, also dedicate for the operation. The
silk should be black in color to contrast the color of the effluent. The Babst
stands in front of the chalice, opens his lab coat and exposes the lesser
column, which should be parallel to the ground by now. The Babsa adores it
in Her best fashion until the column gushes forth into the chalice. Wine is
mixed into the chalice, which dissolves, and can be used later.
The Spunknik operation can now begin at any point. The wine/gold mixture
can be regenerated whenever it is low by the same process used in the
paragraph above.
The process whereby the Babsa generates the gold is a very secret and
meaningful alchemical operation. Traces of it can be found in the book
Wonders of the Visible Spurt by the great medieval German philosopher,
Perastrokus. In this book, he recounts his forty-year effort to purify the
essence of a thousand loads from a thousand men. The author kept great
and detailed information on the nature of the effluent, the thickness of it, the
length of each discharge, and how much the combined discharges weighed.
Much of his work was lost to the centuries, but another document exists
which shows how he was forced to employ women with incredible manual
dexterity for his research.
I mention this book to show how many men have thrived to discover the
secrets of the Babs for thousands of years. There are many libraries with
restricted areas where a wise man can learn the arts of Spunknik without
understanding the inner meaning of them. If a man wishes to carry out
alchemical processes with the gold of Harri, he should first spend ten
moons under a Babsa who is consecrated and dedicated to the teaching of
Babs. A proper diet is also essential, especially one with leafy green foods.
The alchemical silver is generated between a dedicated Babsa and Babst. In
this case, a Babst takes a consecrated chalice and places it between the legs
of a Babsa, who is not difficult to stimulate. He should bless the area
between Her legs with his mouth until she begins to reach the point of no
return. Then he is to make the “come hither” sign with two fingers with one
hand and directs her over the chalice with the other. At the proper moment,
the Babsa will release her blessings into the chalice and it can be collected
for further use.
As with the alchemical gold from a Babst, the alchemical silver needs to be
dissolved with wine, preferably white, and mixed. It too can be stored in a
sealed flask until used later. When the supply of the silver runs low, it too
can be regenerated in the matter of the previous paragraph.
The gold and silver can be mixed and used for a variety of alchemical
operations. There will be more talked about them later, but for the next
section, I shall talk about the ways these operations can be used for personal
enrichment. In the next section, wit will be shown how this can be carried
out in a way that can benefit both the adept and his life in particular.
 12. Money Makes the World Go Woo
Money is something everyone wants, yet few have enough of it. Money
may not make the world go round, but is sure causes it to bob in the water
of the universe. It is often said that the person who claims money doesn’t
bring you happiness is the person who lacks it. There is some truth to this
statement, but a greater truth can be found in the human desire for that cash,
Benjamin’s, or just loot. What does money represent? It represents
confidence.
Consider the small, green rectangles that people kill over in the USA. What
are these rectangles made out of? They are made from paper and ink. That
is it. Some may have dye on them, others electronic trackers. But what are
they really? Take one out and look at it. What is on it? It has writing and
pictures. Very fine pictures. In the USA, the very printing process used to
make money cannot be employed without careful consideration by the
angels of the federal government. Just try to get a color matched to the
“money green” and see what demons you summon. Don’t even try to
negotiate with them. Signs of power will make these demonic beings laugh
and chortle as they slap steel binding rings of power on your wrists and haul
you away in a special chariot.
Don’t believe me? Test the spirits yourself and write me in fifteen to
twenty-five years, time off for good behavior.
With the importance of money out of the way, we will now employ the
means to get more of it. I warn you against using your Babsian powers to
duplicate the green rectangles, especially the ones that have serial numbers
on them. The demonic creatures summoned wait like a celestial goon squad
at the gate of madness for those so foolish. Even Babs cannot bring them
back from the maximum-security hell they will be sent. Tread lightly in this
territory.
However, one can adjust the conditions around them with the help of Babs
to favor the creation of money. Not only can it go woo it can go weird. Very
weird. So let us find a quick way to bring forth some of the almighty cash
while we summon the power of Babs to do our bidding.
Okay, first of all, Babs won’t do a thing for you if she doesn’t like you. The
wise man must put on a suit and tie after taking a hot shower. And then
remove the stench of the mundane world from him. Cologne that isn’t too
powerful in smell helps as well.
Babs will tease you with great riches and it is your duty to try to ignore Her
summons. Don’t be fooled by those who say it’s easy to get what you want
from Her. Place a dollar bill, fresh from the bank, on a green table in the
middle of December and look up at the heavens. Tell Babs in your heart
how much you need more and wait for a response. If you’re lucky, she’ll
send some your way. If not, go to plan B.
Plan B involves the power of Spunknicking to get what you need from
Babs. Always remember, you can’t always get what you want and Babs will
give you what she thinks you need. The two may not be the same thing. And
be specific. Remember the story of the man who wanted his penis to touch
the ground and was transformed into a dachshund. If Babs thinks you need
to be taught a lesson, you are going to get one and hard. She might not even
use the silicone-based Holy Oil before shoving it up your tunnel.
The best way to use the power of Spunknicking is to find a way to freshly
generate the gold from a nearby sacred column. Most men don’t have this
trouble, but if one isn’t readily available, the reserve alchemical gold may
be used. Keep in mind it loses its power as the small demons, which swim
inside it, are consumed quickly by the spirits of the air.
For a man who works solo, the easiest way to work a Spunknik ritual is to
arrange a display of green money on a black table and aim the column at it.
Chant or think an invocation to the Babs current while you visualize an
image of Babs in your mind. The late model Bettie Page works for many
men, but your excitable image may vary. Imagine Her before you directing
the motion of your hand. At the time of release, imagine Her down below
you where the money pile is located. As the gold flows over the money,
chant the phrase, “Hail, Babs!” Allow a few minutes for you to regain your
senses and then sit down.
As the gold dries on the money, meditate on the image of Babs. Hopefully,
Babs will hear your plea and send some of that green your way. Once again,
be specific on how you want it because if you don’t know, Babs may give it
to you in a way you didn’t anticipate. There is the story of the man who
wished for a million dollars and then received it the next day in the mail. As
he counted the money, a man from the post office appeared with an angel
from the Internal Revenue Service and they took it all pending further
review. He never saw another dime of it.
It’s best to make small requests for money. Meditating on the lack of it will
make you aware of how little you have, unless you have an absurd amount
of it in which case why the hell are you reading this book? Spread some
quarters out on the table and anoint them with a reserve bottle of alchemical
gold in white wine or sprinkle a few drops of spunkadelic on them. See if
the results you get are the ones you want.
Finally, we come to the alchemy of money. Yes, cold hard cash has its own
alchemical process. I would caution you against taking a $100.00 bill and
trying to get it to multiply, as you would waste a lot of money in the
process. If you want to experiment with such sums, please send them to the
local Temple of Babs where the faithful will find all manner of ways to put
them to work. They will even send you a receipt for your purchase.
To get your money to multiply, you need a joint alchemical process. The
easiest way to do this is to take a sum of money and spread the combined
alchemical gold and alchemical silver on it. In the absence of any
alchemical gold or silver, you can do it the traditional way.
The traditional way involved placing a small sum of money in an envelope
with the words “Babs, I need some of this” on the top of the envelope or
some such statement. Whatever works for you, no need to get too elaborate.
Once the envelope is prepared, place it between couples as their bodies
writhe in the passion of love. Place it far enough up so the envelope isn’t
too messy. While in the process of physical love, imagine all the money you
need and why you need it. Imagine Babs driving a fast car on Her way to
the bank to get it for you.
Once again, and this is important, do negotiate repayment terms with Babs
because she doesn’t hand out money unless you plan to pay it back. If she
checks your credit score, and Babs has many ways to do this, you will know
right away. She has a tendency to cause things to happen in the physical
realm if she thinks you are hiding assets. Once again, I need to point out she
has Her ways of finding these things out.
If she thinks you are a good prospective client and will pay Her back with
interest, she might approve the loan. She has ways to see into the future, so
if you don’t get the loan from Her, don’t worry, she might have seen a
future where you’d be better off without the loan.
If, on the other hand, she approves your loan, it will go through quickly
enough. It’s hard to say what form it will appear, she doesn’t like to use
hard cash as that is too easy to trace. More likely, help will come in the way
of a traffic ticket canceled or some bill voided out that you didn’t have the
money to pay. She has Her ways to get things done.
Money work is very difficult to do properly where Babs is involved, but it
can happen. It doesn’t have to be an elaborate method to get Her attention,
just make sure your intent is the right one. Don’t ask Her to make you rich
if you aren’t willing to do anything for yourself.
 13. Welcome to Their Nightmare
The power of nightmares cannot be underestimated by any practitioner of
the Babs current. The rich and powerful have levels of security the normal
person will never understand. Babs, on the other hand, has access to the
dream realm. This is a perilous realm that no one can escape. Just as you
need to be careful what you ask for when it comes to money, you need to be
careful what you ask Babs to do when it comes to the nightmare realm.
It is very possible to tease what you want out of someone by entering their
dream world and then denying them what they wanted from you. However,
it should be remembered this transaction could work in both directions.
Tease too much and you will be denied the same. The question is, how can
Babs become involved and what’s in it for Her?
Babs can transport the adept into the nightmare world of an opponent where
you can create all manner of nightmare images to tease him or her with. It is
often said that the right outcome can be created with the right thumbscrew.
This is a variation of the old “Grab them by the balls, their heart will
follow” maximum. With the right invocation of Babs, you can request she
create an image in your opponent’s dreamtime that will lure him in a
favorable direction. You can deny him or Her final payoff when they get
there and use the tease again to bring them in the same direction later.
Babs can take you there, but the tease will be one you and you alone will
have to accomplish. And be careful that you don’t tease your opponent too
much or they will figure out who’s using Babs to get what they want. Babs
can help, but she won’t be held responsible for whatever mess you create.
Create an erotic image in their nightmare world; most men will follow it
over a cliff. However, when the image fades they do not suddenly notice the
image is gone and fall down. Instead, they wake up and look forward to the
dream on the following night. This can be useful to distract them if you are
planning an operation where it’s useful to have their sense of edge dulled.
Keeping mind that eventually they will figure out someone is working
against them on the astral plane. They may not go insane, which would put
the burden of the act on you anyway, but they may find a way to build a
wall around their dreamtime. And what happens if they employ a mystic
who also has connections to Babs? In this case, you had better pray your
reasons are just and theirs are not. So be sure they are done for the right
reasons. You can only tease so much before your opponent demands a
payoff. These are very important matters that should not be treaded on
lightly.
So now, the question is how we apply the Spunknik work to the creation of
nightmares. This is not as complex as it might sound. For instance, all one
has to do is to tell an opponent that they’ve just touched alchemical gold to
provoke a repulsion in some cultures. Given the horror shown by possible
disease contamination, one should never do this for real. Not only might it
release a level of horror impossible to control in an opponent, it might also
cause you great distress by the summoning of the demons of the legal code.
Babs likes to talk about the adept she once had who tried to create a
nightmare this way in a former employer. When the man found out, he
summoned the demons of the triple legal sphere that proceeded to beat the
adept senselessly and bind him with court rulings. These three demons are
known collectively as the forces of the triple hell. Individually, they are
known as Duahe, Cheatumh, and Howe and are very dangerous thought
forms. They can destroy anyone who lacks a high enough level of skill to
combat them. Approach these fiends and anyone who employees them with
extreme prejudice.
A less direct method would be to take a photograph of the opponent in
question and soak it in the alchemical gold you have previously stored for
just the occasion. Alchemical gold can be diluted to a fine mixture and still
not lose its potential abilities. One the photograph is thoroughly
impregnated with the alchemical gold; you may invoke the power of Babs
and hope she comes to your assistance. If you have led a good and just life,
never forgetting to make your annual contribution to the local Babs Temple,
your wishes will rise to the top of Her request list. Keep in mind that Babs
has quite a few requests every day and is forced to get to them one at a
time. Even over an eternity, she has to allocate Her resources to where they
do best.
The process also works if you find a way to spunkate the photo manually.
Always be careful not to overdo this, as a man will reduce his potency over
time. The average male body will continue to produce until he nears
retirement age, but the quality of the gold will diminish over time. So save
those bullets for the targets you really need.
One possible way to use Spunknik powers is to take a photograph or
common object of the person who’s wronged you to a place of public
alchemical gold workings. These places are usually found near large
transportation centers and are boarded up on the side that faces the road.
They always have the word “Adult” in their titles and consist of small
booths in the back of the establishment for the purposes of individual gold
production. As they produce a Fort Knox level of gold on a daily basis, it is
possible to leave the photograph in an area where it will not be seen.
Ideally, you’d leave it out in the open, but the guardians of such
establishment remove any such talismans as soon as they are noticed. In this
case, after the image or marker is placed, you would make a plea for the
forces of Albert to help. As all reality is under the control of Babs, even
Albert must respond to an invocation of his name, even if it’s done under
the guidance of Babs. However, the forces of Albert are very dangerous and
this should only be done in the extreme conditions, least your divine car
license is written down by a demon working for the other side.
Nightmare alchemy works much the same way with a picture or symbol of
the enemy pushed between two adepts in the art of lovemaking. Once again,
the quick way involves a special preparation of the alchemical gold mixed
with silver and held in reserve. With this, you can anoint the picture and
make your intentions clear to Babs. Specify you want to attack the dream
state and she will give you a key to beyond the walls of sleep. However, the
key needs to be kept on a chain, which is always close to you. You don’t
want that key falling into the wrong hands. Horrible catastrophes have
awaited those who were foolhardy with this key. Also, Babs will eventually
want it back, so don’t go losing the key. She gets very angry if you do that.
The ultimate way to infiltrate the nightmares of an opponent is to put the
image of your opponent on a condom or some other device that sheaths the
column. The operation then can be taken to a great length and the image
will be in place when the alchemical gold and silver merge and become the
orange mercury spoken about in the ancient texts. Once again, this is a very
dangerous operation and care should be taken to ensure the organic
alchemical mercury does not contaminate your lingam and Her yoni. The
results can be catastrophic if this is allowed to take place.
Once beyond the wall of sleep, it is possible to do many things to an
opponent’s self-image, but this change has to be accomplished according to
Bill. What is Bill? Bill is the fundamental force of the age of the Reversed
Cowgirl. One must always love under Bill and consult him whenever a
mystical operation of his magnitude is about to be accomplished.
Remember: You should love the law too. Love being the law, always love
under Bill. One cannot accomplish much without the knowledge of their
True Bill, since Bill takes many forms and appears different to each person.
It is equally important to do what thou built, since you can build many bad
influences on the astral plane if not careful.
So keep this in mind. Love can be a law, but you should also do it while you
built. Love what you built.
 14. Getting Lucky Tonight!
Some people are born under a lucky star. Some people are just born lucky
period. The Prophet Dick was born without much in the way of good luck.
He accumulated his fair share of bad luck while reaching his age of
maturity. As the man says, if it wasn’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all.
Here is where Babs can help. Since all reality is the function of the Babs
and since Babs in this reality is the manifestation of the Babsian current, it
follows that Babs has control over fate. Since fate is the result of the action
of luck vs unluck, Babs can toss some of that luck your way if you treat Her
right. Be nice to Babs when she wants you to be lucky. Be mean to Babs
and she can summon plagues of locusts the likes of which you cannot
imagine.
Babs is the ultimate source of Tease and Denial when it comes to luck. You
see the young woman at the bar who smiles at you, although you are twice
her age. Is this a factor of luck or is she looking at the buffed 25-year-old
weightlifter behind you? Wait, perhaps she finds it amusing someone wears
colors that don’t match. There is very little to tell what is going on insider
her mind. This is an example of Babs teasing you with luck. It is up to you
to take the initiative and go for it.
However, Babs can then deny you any luck at all. Not only will the young
woman refuse to give you her phone number, she is liable to have the
bouncer kick you out of the celestial bar and you will slam your head
against the concrete reality on your way out the door. It’s not nice to fool
with Babs. She can make you regret your choice of words.
As Babs is the great denialist, one has to be aware of the tease when it
occurs. She will grant you an excess of luck if you truly need it, but only
Babs will make that call. Only she has the power to do this and you need to
understand when she’s teasing you with great promises of riches and when
she is testing the waters for what you would do with it. Too many people
are granted the winning lottery ticket only to blow it all.
Babs finds games of chance distasteful as they presume to usurp Her rule
over fate in this age. However, she also finds them amusing and useful, as
they tend to weed out the quick buck artists from those who are really
committed. The true adept will try to figure out the purpose of Babs from
the game board, whereas the fool will never get the joke. This is very
important to understand, although few people will achieve this level of
awareness.
“I think this is starting to make a little sense,” Prophet Dick told Babs, “I
still have a little bit of trouble with the basics, but my comprehension has
improved.”
“At last,” Babs spoke. “A breakthrough and you had enough sense to STFU
while I was catching my breath. So what have we learned tonight, little
man?” Babs felt tired and Her feet were killing Her in the pumps she wore.
“I’ve learned you are the fundamental power behind the age of this
universe,” Prophet Dick told Her. “But I still don’t understand why you
permit evil in this world. I can’t make sense of the power of luck that you
talk about. I thought people made their own luck, or is that something you
have the final call about?”
“I have the final call on everything,” Babs explained to the Prophet Dick.
“But, as I have said, humans are not robots running around with their own
programming. They need free will or, in your case, Free Bill. Elsewise they
will soon run out of options. There are people in this world who want
nothing but total freedom and don’t understand that their freedom may be
someone else’s misfortune.
There are people who cherish their good fortune and feel ashamed of it at
the same time. Not that they’ll ever give up their creature comforts, heavens
no! No, they use their disdain for gold as a way to exalt themselves over
others who haven’t had such good fortune. Usually, these are people much
like themselves whom they secretly hate. We hate those who are closest to
us because there is no way to conceptualize someone you see on a daily
basis. The worst hatreds are those born inside a family. This is why I hand
out luck so little at time. Now get back to your writing before I get real
angry!”
Luck is something that is doled out with extreme care by Babs. She’s had
too many instances in the past where Her luck was used for the wrong
purposes. Albert has managed to accumulate a lot of it and he thinks it will
help him at the final end of time, but it won’t. Harri doesn’t care because
Babs is on top of him and all he wants to do is blow. The universe began
when Harri became very lucky and Babs jumped on top of him. Now he’s
connected to Her and she won’t let him stop. Some people may question
this luck, but Harri doesn’t. At least until the current age ends and that
won’t happen for a long time.
So the lesson here is be careful when you ask Babs to improve your luck,
because she’s likely to give you a streak of luck that won’t have the same
results you wanted. And don’t ask for too much least she send some bad
luck your way to compensate for the good. Why? Because you didn’t thank
her for it at the time. Babs keeps a list and knows who gave Her a hard time
and who was grateful.
Luck has its own way of appearing, with or without the help of Babs. The
wise man can create his own by using the merging of the alchemical gold
and silver to harness the power of the stars to improve his chances of
success. This can be done by pouring a mixture of the two substances on a
four-leaf clover or another symbol of good fortune. Many Chinese
restaurants carry the image of Ho-Fi, the god of good fortune in the lobby.
These can be purchased at many Chinese restaurant supply stores or found
for sale in the Asian neighborhoods of large American cities. If you can’t
locate the one you need, you can always ask the owner to help you out in
making the selection.
If you go with a lucky symbol you don’t want to douse with the alchemical
mixture, a symbol good fortune can be kept near you own personal
bedroom. This is provided you use the bed for alchemical operations on a
regular basis. Sometimes it can help to increase your chances of success by
using a little number theory. You could place 7 lucky dice combinations
around your bed and do the alchemical boogie 7 times in 7 hours on the 7th
day of the 7th month. To increase your chances of luck, you could make sure
you used a seventh sister or, if you have the resources and stamina, do each
operation with seven different women. However, if you can find those kinds
of resources, you probably don’t have much need for luck.
We now return to the woman at the bar who’s just smiled at you. Does she
seem a gift sent from Babs, or is she a servant of Albert? Babs will tease
and test Her followers, but she won’t be unnecessarily cruel to them. If you
attempt to get her phone number and she tells you to go to hell, this is
probably the work of Albert. If, on the other hand, she tells you that she
needs to get to know you better before you are allowed such information,
you are likely in the presence of a servant of Babs. If she gives you the
number right away, she is definitely from Babs. If she wants to go to your
hotel room and engage in an extended alchemical operation, you had better
thank Babs right then.
It is always important to remember that all luck is a product of the operation
of the Babs current in the present reality. It is up to you to maintain your
frame and work with it. Babs can help, but the final effort must be made by
the adept. She won’t lend a hand to someone who can’t or won’t help
themselves.
Another way to improve you luck and get Babs to intervene is too check for
anyone in the audience with the sign of Babs on their body. Tattoos are a lot
more popular than they used to be.
 15. The Art of Attack
Now it is time to talk about how to employ Bab’s power to go on the attack.
We are not talking about underhanded and subtitle means when we use the
word “Attack!” This is the result of a carefully planned and coordinated
assault. It is said that all good defenses start as offenses. It is also said that
every offensive move must have a defensive one planned. We will go one-
step further and say that all attacks on an opponent must involve the power
of Babs in this reality as she controls the final outcome.
As Babs is the mistress of Tease and Denial, she has a way to employ it in
Her workings. The best way an adept can employ this is to meditate on how
Babs seduces men with Her image, and then casually tosses them aside
once she’d done with them. The seduction is a flanking attack. Her
opponent possess what she wants, so long as it’s big enough, and she must
find a way to get him to show it without violating any society standards.
Babs can be invoked to force an opponent to pay the Universal Bill. There
is a lot of cash owed in the celestial charge accounts and one person may
owe more than the next. At the end of time, the bill must be paid. However,
a person can assume part of the debt in the Here and Now so that the bill
won’t be so bad come check-out time. An opponent can be made to pay part
of that Universal Bill right away.
While working through Babs, a wise man can invoke Babs and use Her
power to make his opponent pay up right away. The payment can take a lot
of energy out of an opponent and leave them weak. You can then use your
part of the Universal Bill to be paid and increase your ability in the current
age. However, you must pay Babs a certain amount of interest on whatever
she loans you.
It is possible to use the power of Babs in the form of a medallion to open up
a frontal assault on a who gets in your way. I have personally seen rips in
the space-time continuum that resulted from these operations. They are not
very easy to see, but can be viewed through stereopsis equipment if you
need proof.
Spiritual attacks need to be coordinated with whatever angels or demons are
operating in your part of the astral plane. A qualified adept can put himself
into a trance and venture forth in the astral realm to find allies among these
creatures with the help of Babs. Often times, the astral plane may be already
busy with a major magickal assault. In such cases, it is a good idea to wait
and marshal your forces until a better window of opportunity presents itself.
Fortune favors the bold, but success favors the servant of Babs.
Once again, we turn to the concept of Spunknik in its use as an attack
medium against the forces of Albert. As always, it is best to store the
alchemical gold in a safe place and use it to go after an opponent. However,
this may not always be the best way to go about hurling invectives against
the enemy. In such cases, it is perfectly reasonable to find a Babsa and have
her provide the necessary stimulation to make the sacred column rise and
deploy its charge against the forces of Albert. Remember, the divine column
is the sacred repository of all that Harri can provide and represents a potent
weapon in its own right. If the power of the column is aimed in the general
direction of something that represents the forces of Albert, you should have
no trouble summoning up the ectoplasm of the body of Babs.
A wise man can focus on any image of Babs and bring forth the power of
the Babs current. It will rise through his feet from the ground, through his
legs and merge in the region of his column. Once it has surged through the
eggs that dangle below the column, it combines at the column base and aids
the force of exportation as it sends for one splurge after another against the
demonic creatures Albert uses to further his pointless cause. At the end of
time, Albert will drown in the combined ectoplasmic force sent out by the
followers of Babs. The ectoplasm will cause him and his minions to
dissolve into the river of time until the next cycle is ready to begin.
It is possible to mix the ectoplasm with clay from the ground and make an
image of the object of wrath. The wise man will then meditate before it
after he anoints himself with sandalwood paste prepared at the local Babs
temple. If the object of his meditations is successful, Babs will appear
before him and listen to his request. Should Babs decide his opponent is
worthy of Her time, she will smite the opponent from one side and down
the other.
Still, if you have the reserve alchemical gold, this can be used to anoint the
statue or mixed with clay to make a suitable image. The advantage is that
the alchemical gold may be stored for long periods of time. Do not let it
become frozen; however, as frozen alchemical gold is useless for any
operation. The spirits, which swim in it, are rapidly depleted over time and
all destroyed by any freeze operation.
It should also be mentioned that the proper way to handle alchemical gold
is with surgical gloves. If you are the generator of it, this may not be such a
problem. However, the gold will rapidly decompose if not stored in a safe
sealed container and mixed with wine or some other alcohol based liquid.
Care should always be taken whenever you have contact with alchemical
products.
“So, Great Lady,” Prophet Dick asked Babs, “how much longer are you
going into these practical applications? I mean, shouldn’t they be the
subject for a later series of books? Ouch!”
Grabbing Prophet Dick’s ear, Babs pushed him to the ground and held his
head in place. Prophet Dick feared he was dangerously close to pushing Her
button. Or perhaps he’d already done it.
“Why can’t you keep your damn mouth shut?” she asked him again. “Do
you not get it? I speak, you write. Feel blessed I don’t want to go out and
get some tape for thy lips. I’d pull a ball gag out of my handbag, but I think
you would like it too much.” She released Her hold on Prophet Dick’s ear
and he stood up straight.
“Since you, once again, saw fit to interrupt me,” she told him, “I will
answer your important question. I will warn you, Prophet, one more time
and you’ll be wearing that flexible sword in your cleft for the next week!”
She inhaled and tried to concentrate.
“I want to get my basic philosophy out unhindered so that it will be used
across the lands,” Babs explained. “To do that, I need to get you to write
this down in the plainest way possible. I don’t do burning bushes, so you
had the privilege of listening to me in person. I could publish this all in a
series of lectures, but those don’t sell very well. As long as I‘ve decided to
make my presence known, I might as well do it the hard way and give it to
someone in one setting. Are you writing this down? Good.”
“To continue, this is not something I do all the time. I noticed that Smith
guy had a lot of success with the tablet story, so I felt it would be a good
way to get my word out. I almost went and put some diamond tablets in a
coalmine, but I didn’t think anyone would buy the story. You can’t push you
boundaries too much, and then people start to question the message more
than the messenger. So you get to be the one who writes it all down. And
no, you don’t get partial credit.”
“So, to wrap this up, I have to get the word out in a concise volume and not
some massive tome no one will ever buy or read. Make it brief and people
will respond. Men these days have the attention span of a carpenter ant and
I have to work with what I have. There’s also the issue of competition. I
have to get this out to a market flooded with cheap imitations. Yes, I could
do a few things and the market will turn any way I want, but I still believe
free will is the best way to accomplish this. Free Bill is another problem,
but we’ll wait until I get to that one. In the meantime, keep writing in case
you’ll have to correct this later.”
 16. A Little Protection Goes a Long Way
With all this offensive working, it is a smart thing that we should talk about
defensive capabilities. Here, we discuss the prophylactic nature of spiritual
forces. Every time we launch a strike against an opponent, the astral plane
is alerted to our presence. We run up a huge debt with our True Bill and that
is one thing we can’t afford to do very long. Should the forces of Albert
discover you have left a large unpaid Bill, they will contact him and have
you tossed out of the cosmic tavern on your mundane ear. Bill is not to be
trifled with and he has many powerful allies in the higher levels. Likewise,
you don’t need to have Albert and his minions sniffing around the cosmic
walkway for an intruder.
Babs can help you here, but, as she is quite busy, it’s a good idea to see
what you can do on your own before she needs to get involved. To do this,
consult your local shaman, hoodoo man or High Priestess. They often know
the special unlisted number for the places that supply the adept with cosmic
protection. Also, a Babsa or Babst can help, unless they are busy
performing alchemical operations.
Always be specific on the kind of protection you need and how long you
want it to last. For the casual intrusion into an opponent’s dream state, you
can find a special ectoplasmic membrane floating around the realm between
sleep and non-sleep. Although it resembles many other discorporate
entities, this one, known as a Fred Teaser, has a special appendage on the
front that promotes the eternal tease-and-denial aspect of Babs. It will
create all manner of images in the dreamer and cause them to deflect their
investigation until you’ve left by the back astral door.
Do not return one of these things to their natural state once you’ve used it.
It contains your spiritual essence and that should be washed off in the
nearest vat of holy water. Once cleansed, the teaser can be folded up and
placed in a pocket for further use. These are very popular with experienced
adapts and everyone has them. There is even talk of special vending
machines for them in the astral realm, but I doubt we will see these anytime
soon.
Also, make sure the Fred Teaser you locate fits your own ego. Just because
it’s listed as ‘small”, shouldn’t mean it is less of an embarrassment.
Sometimes the smaller ones wrap around the user’s ego in a snug fit, which
allows for better protection and sensitivity to the negative energy that flows
around us.
Do make sure the Teaser is from a reputable source. There are many mutant
ones floating around the realm and, should you grab one of these, you may
end up hurting your own head more than damaging the person you are
acting against. Keep this in mind.
The alchemical gold has strong powers which, when done in accordance
with Bill, can keep the forces of Albert away and out of your hair. It’s
simply enough in some cases to coat a shirt with an alchemical gold
solution and use it to keep away the lesser demonic creatures who will
make your life miserable if they have the chance. However, the problem
with this method is that it uses a lot of the alchemical gold solution.
A better method is to generate some of the alchemical gold onto the shirt
with an available Holy Column. Since every man has his own column ready
and (for the most part) available to make gold, it is a simple matter to
meditate on the face of Babs and summon the ectoplasm up for immediate
use. This can be accomplished by gently rubbing the column with the
garment until the proper response is achieved. The garment then absorbs
any extra and it is ready for use the next day against the power of Albert.
It should be mentioned that to use a garment in this fashion means it still
needs to be washed later. The power of the alchemical gold loses its power
with time and the garment will need to be cleaned. Likewise, the color of
the garment should be chosen well for the operation. Alchemical gold can
leave stains on most garment material and contrasts with darker colors.
Once the garment is soaked in the alchemical gold and dried, it should be
“charged” by the invocation of Babs. This can be accomplished by placing
a set of high heels or pumps on the garment and burning the right incense to
Her. Chanting the Babs-Babs-Ba-Ba-Ba-Babs mantra to get Her to notice
the garment helps as well.
Should the garment be worn and the wearer is safe against astral attack, it
will be assumed the operation was successful. If the attack continues with
no discernible effect from the garment, it must be assumed the garment has
not had enough time to build up a repulsive charge from Babs. Should the
astral attack intensify, it can be assumed the operation to charge the garment
was a failure and the process should be repeated.
The same operation can be used on many other garments, not just a shirt.
For instance, since Babs loves fancy shoes, the initial anointment can be
made on a pair of fancy dress shoes a woman might wear out for the
evening. She can have a man use his reserve alchemical gold to anoint the
shoes or she can have him do it on the spot with his column. However, this
process needs to be done with precession as the alchemical fluid may miss
the intended target and end up on the floor or ground where it will be
wasted. Wasted alchemical fluid represents a failure of opportunity and it
cannot be recovered. This is something to always keep in mind.
It was at this point that Babs decided they’d gone on long enough. She
looked down at Prophet Dick and asked him what the best late night diner
could be found. Prophet Dick thought for a few minutes and remembered.
“I’d take the Silk Road Diner this time of night, Great One,” He told Her
after consulting his watch. “It’s still open at this hour and most of the bars
are closed. We can get over there and enjoy a plate of sweet potato fries if
that is your pleasure. Most of the idiots are gone by now or sleeping off
their drunk in the city jails.”
“Is it very far?” she asked him, shrinking down to a manageable size. “I
don’t like to walk far in these heels as my feet are already killing me. If it’s
too far, I can teleport us, but that takes longer than I care to admit. How is
the taxi service around Here?”
“Not too bad, but they tend to rip you off on the mileage. The diner is only
a few blocks away; we can easily reach it on foot.”
“Rise, Prophet Dick,” Babs told him. “You lead the way and I’ll follow. I
don’t sense anyone with hostile intent around here. This is good as I don’t
like frying anyone unless I am forced to do it.”
Away they went the short form of Prophet Dick with Babs behind him in
Her human form. He left the parking lot and turned east on the sidewalk as
they moved in the direction of the diner. The sign was still illuminated and
Prophet Dick made sure he could see the “Open” as it flashed in the night.
He heard the heels of Babs as the Divine One clicked them on the concrete.
She followed in his wake.
Prophet Dick was happy that it was very late. He could feel the energy
given off by Babs in the air. The few drunks and sanitation workers who
were still up this hour turned in Her direction as she went by. It was as if
Babs sent out a radio wave to which they were all tuned. Even the few cars
at the traffic lights didn’t move when the lights turned green as she strolled
past. It was obvious to Prophet Dick that Babs was in complete control of
the environment. Truly, this was all Her creation and they were part of Her
reality.
The bored waitress found a place for them near the window. Prophet Dick
stared across at Babs and saw the flaming red hair flow down Her back as
she perused the menu. This struck Prophet Dick as odd. He placed his
notebooks and writing utensils to one side as the waitress gave him a tall
coffee.
“I’ll come back for your order later,” she told them and walked away. There
were a few other customers in the diner this late in the evening.
The waitress stopped and turned back in their direction.
“I remember you!” she said to Babs. “You’ve been in here before!”
 17. MahaBabs has the Power to Heal You!
“I remember the time you brought that guy here in handcuffs!” the waitress
said to Babs. “You made him pay for the food, even though his hands were
behind him!”
“I think you may have me confused with another person,” Babs said to the
waitress. She took a sip off Her coffee.
“Really?” the waitress said to Her. “I was sure it was you. Guess I was
thinking about someone else.” She wondered off in search of another
customer.
“Sometimes I forget the signals I send off whenever I’m inside this realm,”
Babs said to Prophet Dick. “She might have seen me. I don’t know. This
place doesn’t seem familiar. After a while, they all look the same. What’s
on the menu?”
“Why doest thou need to look at the menu?” Prophet Dick said to Her.
“Doest thou not have all knowledge of human affairs.” He lowered his eyes.
“Would you knock off the King James speak?” she snapped at him. “Do
you have any idea how much energy I have expend to find that
information? Why would I want to when I have the damn menu right Here?
Greek omelet looks good, have you tried it?”
“It’s great with the sweet potatoes sides. Make sure you tell her to put the
feta cheese on the side.”
“Good. I’ll order that when she comes back. Now let me tell you about
healing.”
The alchemical gold and silver are very useful to promote healing. When
each is isolated from its original source, it must be kept in some wine or
other alcoholic drink, but they can be combined to help cure a variety of
illnesses. All disease and the causes thereof are part of his reality and
therefore enthralled to Babs. If Babs chooses to intervene, she can cure the
sick and heal the afflicted.
The quick method for creating a healing instrument is to soak a wand in a
mixture of alchemical gold and silver, then let it dry in the air. It can be
consecrated to Babs and used to cure many illnesses. However, it should
never come into direct contact with the afflicted area. The wand can be held
at a distance and focused on the area in question. All the adept has to do is
concentrate on the image of Babs. If you need a visual that helps the best,
imagine Babs in a short, naughty nurse outfit.
The visual image of Babs is very effective at curing impotency in men. One
consecrated of Babs in a leather skirt is worth twelve dosages of medicine
and doesn’t cause headaches. Exposure to the famous Plato’s Retreat icon
cured hundreds of men of this troublesome affliction and brought about the
birth of many children 9 months later. This is a famous painting of Babs in
Her fierce form where she has four arms. Th Different ones carry a whip,
handcuffs, vibrator and lubrication tube. Sometimes even a skull mask.
However, the image of Babs alone cannot have the full healing power. To
this end, there are Babs sanctuaries established in remote parts of the world.
These are secret places where the sick can find help among the faithful who
are trained in the healing arts. These places are very hard to find and take a
lot of meditation to locate. The only way a person can find one is to know
about it through the clandestine network or have a friend involved who is
already on the staff.
They are located near hot springs sacred to Babs and Harri. Each of these
sacred spaces consists of a cave in a hillside that is near a hot springs.
Inside the cave, which can only be opened by the right passwords, are
places where the sick may come to be healed. The sanctuary is dominated
by a large statue of Babs as she rides Harri. The force of emotion from the
statue flows out and into the inner chamber where special healers who wear
white muslin cloth care for the sick.
If one cannot reach one of these places, the alternative method is to use the
alchemical gold or silver that is stored in a glass jar in your domicile. Since
illness comes from a disruption of humors, these extractions can be rubbed
on the afflicted parts of the body. They will work their way around into the
system and help the body’s own natural healing process. Always consult a
qualified healer if you decide to go this route.
“You know this omelet is pretty good,” Babs said to Prophet Dick as she
finished Her late night meal. “You chose a good spot. Make sure you tip her
at least 20 percent.”
“Oh, you aren’t picking up the bill?” Prophet Dick said in return. “I thought
that, since you are a divine being, it wouldn’t be a big deal….” He lowered
his head again.
“Christ I know how to pick them,” Babs grumbled as she went through Her
purse for some current change. “Good thing I had to take care of something
this century already. Sucks to be stuck in a place if the currency is four
hundred years out of date.”
She pulled out a few credit cards, and then frowned when she noted the
expiration dates were a mess. Next, she ruffled through Her purse a few
more times and pulled out some gold coins.
“Can’t use these,” she told Prophet Dick. “Damn shame too as they’re
worth quite a bit in this time. Oh, let me see what else I have.”
She ran Her manicured hands through the purse and extracted several
twenties. Just to be sure, Babs held them up to the light to make sure they’d
pass. “These will fly. I could fix some of the others, but I’m tired and don’t
want to bend reality right now.” She dropped two 20’s on the table and
stood up.
“Okay,” she said to Prophet Dick as he left the chair too, “time to get back
to work. They’ll take this money and it’s not so much to attract the wrong
kind of attention.”
Prophet Dick and Babs made their way out of the diner as a party of late
night customers entered it. The new party consisted of two men and two
women who were dressed in expensive clothes. It was obvious to Prophet
Dick that they were out slumming for the evening and winding down after a
night of hard partying. He almost went past them and didn’t say a word
until one of their number stopped and starred at him. It was a young woman
of not more than 25 years of age.
“That’s the old perv who tried to hit on me in the bar,” she said to him as he
walked past. The young woman didn’t even try to hide her disgust.
Unfortunately for her, the words were heard by Babs.
Babs had the door to the street opened when she stopped. Prophet Dick was
right behind Her. He halted instantly as he’d already leaned to anticipate
Babs. He watched as Babs turned very slowly and looked at the other party
of four who were still inside the vestibule.
“Clarice St. Simons,” she said to the young women as their eyes locked.
“Not too bad for a young woman who has never done at thing in her life
that didn’t involve a party. So how goes the latest designer drug,
sweetheart? Coming down from your latest high?” Babs let the words sink
in as the woman froze in her steps.
Her eyes were dilated, but she could understand what Babs said. She was
transfixed by fear. This was not some ordinary later night sex worker, this
woman knew her. Somehow.
“Who are you?” she said to Babs. By now, the rest of her party knew that
something was wrong.
“I am the mother of fortitude, baby,” Babs said to her. “And your luck is
about to run out. Not feeling our usual self these days, are we? A little week
after the usual cock carousel, perhaps? Do you even know the name of the
last four men who were in you? I do and you better get your pretty little ass
to Dr. Hinkle this week before it gets worse.” Babs turned and walked out
the door with Prophet Dick behind Her.
“You put the fear in her,” he said in a low voice as they walked away.
“I may have saved her life,” she said in return. “I can’t do much else, she’ll
deny it to her friends, but they’ll notice her attitude change. If she’s smart,
she’ll go to the doctor tomorrow and get it taken care of in time. She’s not
the type to ask for my intercession, but she got it just the same.”
 18. The Babs You Cannot Know is the True Babs
And now we come to the link of the individual Babs to the universal or
Supreme MahaBabs. The Supreme Babs is the sum total of all reality. It can
be thought of as a giant hot tub. Bubbling in the water of the hot tub are five
people. They may interact and encounter each other, but they are distinct. In
much the same matter, each person has a bit of Babs inside them. This part
of the Universal Babs is known as the Babsie. It interacts with the Universal
Babs, but is not of the same quality as the Universal Babs.
In such a manner, it is impossible to know the True Babs from the
standpoint of any one in this reality. You must stand outside an object to
have a true appreciation. Should the adept own a 1970 Impala with a four-
barrel header, he can open the door, step outside of the car and admire the
beauty of the engine Detroit produced many years ago. He can monitor its
speed, fuel intake and oil pressure from the inside. But to truly appreciate
the car, he must step out of it, walk to the curb and look at it.
This reality is the same thing. We are in it and can monitor the progress by
looking at the sky for rain or smelling a septic tank overflow. But we are
still inside the vehicle. We cannot truly know what it’s about unless we open
the door and walk out to see it. Inside the car, we can slam the accelerator
down and feel the power as it pushes the driver into the seat. But we cannot
see the headlights illuminate, nor can we observe the paint job on the fender
until we leave the car and look at it.
Thus, we have no objective perception of the universe until we leave it.
However, once we leave the universe, there is no way to return. How then,
do we connect with Babs?
We make the connection by the access of the Babsie that lies in our hearts.
It is of the same quality, but not essence, of the Universal Babs, so it gives
us a way to objectify the truth and understand the Universal Babs from the
inside. Just as a lady friend might give you a picture of her naked on the
beach, Babs allows for Her image to be held dear in our hearts so we do not
forget Her.
Having a risqué picture of a woman she has told you not to show to anyone
else causes a problem. Do you keep it to yourself, or do you show it to one
of your drinking friends and pray they never meet? The wise man keeps the
picture and holds it dear to him for special occasions. Likewise, we keep the
image of Babs in our heart and do not summon Her to us unless it’s been a
long week and there isn’t much happening down at the bar. Then he
meditates on Her image and it brings him much needed relief.
Most adepts cannot afford the kind of temple where Babs would be praised.
It is difficult to make the pilgrimages to the Holy Babs Places, such as the
Port Authority Bus Terminal in New York City or the locations in Florida
where Deep Throat was filmed. In such a case, it is perfectly reasonable to
put a small altar or sacred spot in your dwelling place to invoke Babs.
The Standard Babs shrine is built around the fierce form of Babs where she
rides Her consort Harri cowgirl style. This can be as elaborate as a large
statue that takes up an entire room or simply two action figures purchased at
the local thrift store and modified to give them sexual appendages. These
need not be too elaborate, just large enough to get the concept across. Care
must be taken not to give the Harri statue too big of a column, as often
happens with home shrines.
The shrine should have a number of red candles around it. Six candles can
be placed on the right of the images and nine on the left to represent the
give and take of the eternal energy flow that sustains the universe. Small
photographs of lingerie and shoes can be placed around the shrine to
summon the essence of Babs. If there is space, DVD’s of leathersex movies
can be placed around it too, but only ones where the woman is on top.
Prayers can be offered up to Babs every morning by the adept after he’s
risen and cleaned himself for the day. First, he should remember his
commitments to send money to the nearest Babs temple. Then he can anoint
the statue with a small amount of alchemical gold. If no alchemical gold or
silver can be found, the adept can generate his own and use it to anoint the
statue. A mixture of algae and hot water can be used to make a close
symbolic version if there is no one who can generate the ectoplasm.
The same prayers can be offered up at the end of the day too. It’s also a
good idea to offer them up before an adept has relations with a woman.
Better yet, have the fierce form of Babs in the chamber where the act will
take place to watch over you. Some women may object to a large statue
with red teeth and a bloody mouth staring at her in bed, but the proper adept
will have a good answer. Showing Her any Babs tattoos or comic book
collections is not something you should do for the operation to be a success.
Remember to treat your devotional Babs statues as if she was a guest in
your home. Make sure Her image has the right tone of make-up and
perfume on it. Do find some quality undergarments for the image if it is
large enough. In the summer, she can wear a bikini, or go topless if the
statue is in a secure area. If she has any body pierces, take them out before
you close the sanctuary up at night so she doesn’t scratch or hurt Harri
while she’s riding him.
“So is there a chant or hymns to Babs?” Prophet Dick asked Her. He had
enough sense by now to ask Her questions when she paused to catch Her
breath or take a drink out of the water bottle she materialized out of
nowhere.
“Seriously?” she asked him after putting Her bottle away. “What kind of
hymns would you think I find pleasing?”
“I don’t know, Great One,” he answered. “I’m thinking something on the
order of Ave Maria or like that. I was raised protestant. We don’t have many
feminine hymns. I’m told the Roman Catholics have a lot.”
“You can always chant something,” she told him. “I’ve like the chants those
people in India came up with. Works good for putting you in the mood.
Same for the Chinese ones too. I’m starting to wonder why I didn’t go there
to find a prophet, but you work with what you have.”
“As for chants,” she continued, “most women make repetitive sounds when
they’re aroused. Listen closely for a change and you’ll hear her breathe in
waves over and over. You could even encourage Her to recite my name
when she’s on top of you. Try “Babs, Babs, Babs” instead of “Oh, Baby, Oh
Baby, Oh Baby”. It comes from the same place, but the long-term effect
works much better. As a matter of fact, I could use many women who recite
that over and over on any given Saturday night. Makes me feel I’m getting
some acknowledgement for all the work I do. And one other thing.”
“What, Dear Goddess?”
“Knock it off with the titles!”
“Ok.”
“Better!”
“Learn to find the pleasure zone inside a woman. Christ, you guys hunt
days at a time for deer during hunting season, you can spend some hours
between your women’s legs finding out what makes her clock tick. Trust
me, she’ll be a lot happier in the end and I will get positive vibes sent up
my way. Do you have any idea how many frustrated women are out there?
Do you even guess how many women don’t even know what the Big O is
all about? No, I guess you wouldn’t, too concerned with your own tool.”
“Men will never develop any form of sexual chanting on their own. All men
usually say is “Aieee!” when they pop and that’s it. One and done. You
need someone who experiences orgasmic pleasure in pulses to develop this.
I can’t have temples of people going “Owwww!” every hour or so. I need
group chants, which is why I need to have monasteries established for
women. Did you write that down?”
“Yes, Ma’am.”
“Better answer. Make sure you get down the part apart chants that resemble
orgasms. I need to hear those more often. Makes Saturday night less
dreadful.”
 19. More Babs for You!
“So what about holidays?” Prophet Dick asked as watched Babs smoke a
cigarette. “There has to be some important holidays we should celebrate in
your honor.”
‘You just want time off to go party,” Babs said to him as she puffed on Her
cigarette. “Can’t get these thing unfiltered anymore. They don’t make the
good ones these days. I could summon them up, but it takes too much time.
Maybe I’ll try vaping one of these days; the kids seem to like to do that for
some reason.”
“At least give us an even 10,” Prophet Dick said to Her. “Less than that and
people will start to wonder why they should bother. It’s not the partying;
people like to have an excuse to hand out presents other than birthdays.
Makes for good income for any temple you want set-up.”
She turned Her head and looked at Prophet Dick. “What day is it?”
“April the first,” he said.
Babs took another drag off Her cigarette and blew the smoke in his
direction. “How appropriate! Okay, we’ll make April 1st my supreme
holiday. You can declare it my proclamation day. It will give the artists
something to paint so they can sell images to the home market. Just make
sure you get it copyrighted. Don’t want just any rube taking advantage of
the day.”
“Any other days?” Prophet Dick asked.
“Let’s see,” she said to him, “let’s have a day for the first meeting of the
Prophet Dick and Babs. A day for the three days of the writing of The Book
of Babs. A day for the Prophet being boned by Babs. A day for the first
Liturgy of St. Jezebel, so get the first one on the agenda. A day for Harri
and my ride. A day for life and a day to party. A day for every time you
realize the Babsie in your loins, you naughty men. A day every night, you
are ridden by your own personal Babs. How many is that including the first
one?”
“I think we’re over ten, I didn’t get the opportunity to count them all. Are
there are any days you left out?”
“I’m sure there are, give me some centuries and I’ll think of a few more.
I’m leaving up to you, Prophet Dick to make sure all my men are ridden
cowgirl style each week. Did you get that? I want them on their backs and
taking their own personal Babs on top every week. I’ll leave it to you to
come up with the right date. I don’t want to hear any crap about time and
mood, goddamit. I want my people to be doing it all the time. As a matter of
fact, write down penalties for infractions. Every time they miss temple they
have to do it an extra night. Yeah, that one’s a good place to start.
“A lot of them won’t see that as an infraction.”
“All the better. Sick of these puritans out there.”
Recent manifestations of Babs have included the small shrines that
immigrants from the Darhsawu Republic have set up on the streets of
Philadelphia and Boston. These are small shrines with Babs in Her red
form. Up until last year, no one knew much about the Babsonian deities and
they tended to be a private matter in the homes of Darhsawian people from
the larger part of the Eurasian land mass. Since last year, there were a
larger number of refugees who entered the country after the recent war with
the Zabroskian rebels that led many of the small sects who venerate Babs to
leave their native land.
This caused some concern in older neighborhoods where the shrines to
Babs began appearing in back alleys and under bushes in the local park. A
few abandoned drive-ins became small temples to Babs when the new
immigrants lacked a place to perform their services.
The new Darhsawian immigrants brought the rare Babs riding Harri statues
with them that had Harri lying prone beneath his consort, although he was
face down. It is not possible in most of these depictions to see what the
figure of Babs does to the prone Harri as there is a cloth wrapped around
the icon. However, she has a something belted on Her waist and the casual
observer can usually figure it out.
When these shrines began to pop-up in the two cities there was a public
outcry. Even though they were placed far away from the average person and
in small sacred spaces forbidden to those under the age of 18, it was
inevitable people would encounter them who had no idea what took place.
Both cities were forced to hire cultural experts to explain to the people who
lived in these parts of the city what the statues represented and the higher
concepts behind them.
“Dunno,” said one older resident who stared at one such statue. “Looks like
a woman doing a guy up the butt.” He failed to see the higher truths
represented by the carving until a caseworker came and visited him.
Recently, several natives of Philadelphia were initiated into the Babsonian
secrets of the Darhsawian immigrants. It is hoped the acceptance of this
new group will proceed without issue as more people come to accept their
diverse practices. Few people have been allowed to attend their ceremonies,
but this might be due to the reluctance of the locals to remove all their
clothes during the services.
The Darhsawian community is growing. Some people have noted there is a
birth cycle that can be traced to the nights of their High Holy Days. One
investigator into the Babs cult discovered that the number 9 is sacred to the
deity Babs and Darhsawian men are expected to perform their duties nine
times to the satisfaction of their consorts on certain nights. With this
knowledge, the maternity wards at city hospitals have allocated resources to
better anticipate the influx of obstetrics 9 months after their holidays.
While Babs lit another cigarette, Prophet Dick asked Her about the family
pantheon of Babs. He waited until she’d lit it to be on the safe side as this
worked out for the best the last time he needed to ask a question.
“I have a little trouble understanding all your manifestations,” Prophet Dick
asked Her. “I see from this card you just handed me that you have 12
different versions, yet, you are one of those twelve. How can you be a
different version, yet also be included in the pantheon? Am I missing
something here?”
“What do you mean?” she asked him while snuffing out the cigarette. Babs
didn’t need it as much as she thought.
“According to this card,” he spoke to Her. “You have 12 manifestations.
One of them is “Babs”. Another one is “Rhonda”. But Rhonda has eight
different versions as well. I don’t get it. Does every other version of you
have its own expansion pack? Where does it end?”
“It will end when I want it to,” Babs told him. “You’re thinking too hard
again. I don’t care how many different forms people come up with for me.
What matters is that they give me veneration. They can create a St. Dildo
the Spongy for all I care, so long as the veneration passes up to me. What I
don’t want is that creep Albert taking credit. I’ll put my heel down on that
shit in a hurry. He needs to get it through his thick skull that I’m the one
who is in charge in this reality. The only reason he’s allowed to function is
because I let him.”
“So what you are saying is that it doesn’t matter so long as the vibes pass to
you?” Prophet Dick asked Her.
“You got it, Spunky,” I have too much to do to worry about how deep the
rabbit hole runs. I am not the least bit concerned what color they paint my
image or what needs to be mixed in with the clay used to make it. If the
faithful want to debate these things, then go at it. Just don't expect me to
intervene or care. On the other hand, if they start knocking each other
around on how many times they have to do it every night, I will get
involved. “
“You sound like a deity that gets along with most of Her followers.”
“I don’t see the reason to make it hard,” She explained. “People have it hard
enough all day long without bashing each other over the skull when they
argue religion. Nothing good ever comes out of religious battles, but they
never get it. I always have to intervene in these things and it pisses me off.
Make sure you get this down for the book because I am not wasting any
more time on these things. I’ve got better uses for my people.”
 20. Final Words on Babs
Babs can work in a group or she can work individually. It does not matter
with Babs. She is self-generated and existed before time. When Babs
divides Herself into Her individual parts, it becomes much easier for them
to work with the separate believers. Babs is one who gives in many parts.
All of these parts go togetHer to make a unified whole. The whole is much
greater than the sum of the parts as far as Babs is concerned.
Once there was a man who smashed his statue of Babs and tried to put it
back together. He could not find all the pieces, so he took it to the wise
woman down the street to see if she knew how to reassemble the parts. She
was able to mix the clay she had in her studio with the broken statue and get
it back into one piece. Later, when the man examined his statue, he was
astounded to see no seam or break in it.
“How did you get my statue of Babs back together with such skill?” he
asked the wise woman who repaired it. “I do not see one break, crack, or as
much as a seam in it.”
“When you broke your heart,” the woman asked him, “did anyone see a
break seam or crack?”
“Of course not,” the man said to Her. “That was my heart not a mere
representative of something higher.”
“You heart was but a representative of something greater than you,” She
told him. “Just as it gives honor to your life, so does this statue give honor
to the one it represents.” He touched the statue and the eyes stared out at
him with greater vividness than he remembered before.
The man looked at the wise woman and recognized Her for MahaBabs, the
primal creator of the universe. He fell on his knees and put his head to the
ground while he trembled.
“Rise, man of the soil,” Babs told him, “your heart is pure as denatured
alcohol. You alone have been allowed to see me up close in the morning
before my makeup was in place. Now go forth and honor your
representative of the Divine. Because Divine is no longer with us, but your
statue had cleaned the soil from Her stones.”
The man took his statue and walked down the street. As he reached the
corner, he turned and looked back at the repair shop where he’d been. It was
gone, now replaced by a vacant lot. He lived for many years and never
failed to make an offering in front of his Babs image, nor did he forget his
vow to repair the G-strings and thongs at the local dance club for all the
performers. Babs did smile upon him and his progeny and, yea, unto the
sixth generation did they live in peace in prosperity.
But the barbarians stormed down from the hills and slaughtered most of the
seventh. This is a tale for another day.
As Babs took a sip from Her hip flask, Prophet Dick decided to ask Her
about something else that had troubled him. When he noticed Her bask in
the glow of the warm fluid intake, he approached Her knowledge again.
“You have spoken of the secret chefs,” he began. “Who are these secret
chefs which you mentioned somewhat earlier and what do I need to know
about them?”
“It is most unlikely you will ever encounter the secret chefs,” Babs did say
to Prophet Dick, “but since you have asked, I shall enlighten you with a bit
of wisdom.” She uncorked Her flask and took another deep swig from the
small bottle.
“I created the secret chefs at the beginning of the universe to keep the world
functioning,” she told him. “They are the master cooks from the beginning
of time. As you may know, alchemists were at one time known as cooks.
These secret chefs are great cooks in their own right, but they do not make
pies, cookies, soups or anything else you might consume. No, these secret
chefs do my work and that is the work of keeping the universe baked.”
“The secret chefs are very important to the functioning of the universe,”
Babs continued. “Without them, we could not have many things cooked that
need to be slow roasted with their special care. Oil, coal, and many rocks
that are important to the way the universe functions, are carefully prepared
by the secret chefs and percolated over time. They are also responsible for
many of the ideas that come from the hearts of men. The secret chefs see
that they are prepared according to the recipe of ideas before they are
released to the general public. As you can see, the world cannot function
unless my secret chefs are in operation.
“How would I know your secret chiefs if I ever saw them?” Prophet Dick
asked Babs. “Do they wear distinctive clothing? Large, white hats
perhaps?”
“You will never know them as they work in secret,” Babs told him. “They
are the hidden ones who work and serve in silence. The secret chefs guide
the destiny of humanity when I’m out getting a manicure. They are my
special servants who cook history in the sauce of destiny.”
“How many secret chefs do you have?” Prophet Dick asked Babs. “They
must be great in number to do such work.”
“They are few in number. Although yes, their work is of great importance,
they do not have to be great in number to accomplish the tasks. The secret
chefs confer whenever they need to do so. If a problem is great, they bring
me in to look at what is cooking in the pan of time. Most of the time I just
let it simmer. Sometimes I add a little seasoning, but this is something I
don’t have to do very often. It is best to let those I’ve chosen do the job that
needs to be accomplished.
Prophet Dick found himself empowered by the might of Babs. He stood in
place and was awestruck by the brightness of Her force. She was truly a
woman of great beauty and he didn’t know what to do other than write
things down as she talked to him. Prophet Dick had found his destiny
finally. This was a moment he’d waited for all his life and, although his
bum was still sore, he was in love with the great woman in front of him. It
was a sublime moment, one of which he always knew would arrive
someday.
“The evening grows to an end,” Babs sighed to Prophet Dick as she saw the
long rays of sunshine begin to creep over the horizon. “I don’t know about
you, but I am beat. I need to get home and get some rest. You are going to
need a ride home?”
“I think I should be okay, Ma’am,” he said to Her. “The booze wore off
some time ago and I don’t feel the effects like I did earlier. You’ve had me
writing all night and I think I have what matters in the book. I wrote down
everything you told me to write down. This book will take me a long time
to get into printed form, but, with you help, I shall manage to do it.”
“Well said, Prophet Dick,” Babs responded. “I’m waiting for my car. The
big limo should be here in a few minutes. My driver knows it’s time to get
me, he knows I was to be picked up close to sunrise. He better have his ass
here soon because if I have to use personal energy to transport myself back
home, I will be looking for a new driver!” She pulled another cigarette out
of Her purse and lit it without using a match. For Her, it was easy, Babs
held the cigarette out in the air and it flamed up.
There was the sound of a rumble and Prophet Dick turned to see a long car
pull into the parking lot. It was the same one that drove up earlier in the
evening, but this one did not have its lights blazing away. The car rolled
into the space next to Babs and Prophet Dick, as the lights, still dim, swept
a much smaller scale of the lot in front of them. The car came to a stop,
although the engine still rumbled. Prophet Dick watched as the driver’s
door opened and the chauffeur stepped out of the car. He walked slowly
over to the other side of the limo, opened it with a click of his heels, and
allowed the door to swing free with one gesture. He stood there in attention.
“And not a moment too soon,” Babs grumbled as she picked up Her purse.
With the other hand, she flung the cigarette into the air and watched as it
vanished in a puff of smoke.
“I want to see that book made ready by next year, Prophet Dick!” she yelled
at him as Babs stepped into the car. “No excuses! I wasted enough time
already!”
“Where will I get the money to do this?” he asked Her. “I haven’t worked in
6 months.” He held the book and writing utensils next to him.
“I’ll mail you a check next week,” Babs cried out as she slid into the seat.
“And we need to get those temples up and running. Keep a watch out for
Albert!”
“But how…” he began to say, but the door was already closed. Prophet
Dick heard it slam shut.
He stood in the parking lot and watched as the big car soared out onto the
street. Prophet Dick couldn’t understand why she hadn’t used the limo
when Babs made Her first appearance. But it had been a long night and he
needed to start transcribing these notes. So much she wanted done, but how
could he refuse a divine being?
Prophet Dick turned and began to walk in the direction of the nearest
breakfast bar. They should be opening soon. It wasn’t too early for one to
serve coffee and doughnuts. He opened up the book and looked at his
handwriting. It was a good thing he could read it because those notes were
messed up. Prophet Dick closed the book and saw the “open” sign
illuminate in the distance.
The air smelled different in the morning, but it always did. The grease
smells of the city weren’t as bad and he could actually stand walking on the
sidewalks if he knew the hustlers were gone. He felt renewed and wondered
what he should do next.
Prophet Dick remembered he was short of cash. With no job, it was hard to
afford much. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a wad of cash. He
stopped and starred down. There were at least five 20-dollar bills in that
wad.
“That’s strange,” he said aloud. “I don’t recall having so much money in my
pocket before.” He had another thought and pulled out his wallet.
The wallet contained 10 crisp 20-dollar bills. He was sure they weren’t
there earlier in the evening. He returned his wallet to the back pocket and
watched a bus roll past him.
“I guess she did choose me,” Prophet Dick spoke as he walked into the
diner.
And thus began the end to the Age of the Cowgirl. Prophet Dick would go
on to publish his book of wisdom, as dictated by Babs, and run the temple
associations, as she’d wanted him to do so. And when in due time, Prophet
Dick was found to have his hand in the temple’s collection jar, Babs would
smite him with a rolled up magazine. But he still remained Her beloved
Prophet Dick, if even on a tight leash.
Hail Babs. Glory art she among women and long may Her stockings run.