SEX OUTSIDE MARRIAGE

From Proverbs 9:17, "stolen water is sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant"

Extramarital affairs are caused by vast and gender-varied motivations. Women are less likely to have
affairs than men; men are the ones who often seek more sex or attention.

Causes and Risk Factors

1. Early Marriage

People who marry in their early 20s would most likely have achieved success when they are
already in their mid-30s. This leads to a point where they feel that they did not really have time to enjoy
life in their 20s. To them, indulging in an extramarital affair is exciting and thrilling. To them, it is a way
to experience the thrill and excitement that comes from dating.

2. Married for The Wrong Reasons

Some reasons may be pressures from family and society. Marrying someone may be done
without even getting to know their life partner. They are attracted to someone whom they think is a
better match than their spouse. Extramarital sex/affairs may be due to having second thoughts about
getting married in the first place.

3. Inability to Deal with Changes

Bigger changes are tough to deal with. These may be death, a serious illness in the family,
financial loss, loss of employment, etc. Some turn to people apart from their spouses to deal with these
life challenges. In the arms of someone new, someone who is not connected to their tough
circumstances in any way, they find more comfort during upheaval.

4. Becoming Parents

Priorities change. The time for either the husband or wife is reduced, and the immediate living
environment drastically changes. Several men may suddenly feel lost and unimportant at home. Thus,
they engage into extramarital affairs when their wives dedicate their time as mothers to their children.

5. Physical Dissatisfaction

The spark and sex may be gone. Sex becomes an important path to connection and intimacy. If
either of the parties is not sexually satisfied (e.g., their spouse declines sex often), it can easily make him
or her feel "unloved." Some cheat in the hopes of improving their sex lives because they feel that their
spouse is lacking between the sheets. Sexless marriage may be one of the reasons for engaging into sex
outside the marriage.

6. Emotional Disconnection

This is caused by a lack of time and lack of communication with each other. There is no time for
sharing, talking, expressing, listening, caring and showing that you care, and laughter. This may result in
getting emotionally connected with someone else. Hence, an extramarital affair may happen. If a spouse
cannot get the attention and affection that he or she needs from his or her partner, he or she would look
for it outside the confines of their marriage. If the spouse feels lonely, not connected, not close to his or
her partner, uncherished, unappreciated, and taken for granted, this may lead to having an extramarital
affair.

LOW COMPATIBILITY (7-9)

7. Disagreements on Core Values

Tough situations in life test your core values. The husband and wife may have different opinions
and mindsets and irreconcilable differences.

8. Differing Life Priorities

These may lead to irreconcilable differences, too, and may cause couples to clash repeatedly. It
becomes tough to live together and even agree on things that are basic.

9. No Common Interests

This may lead to couples pursuing their own divergent interests and not spending enough time
together. This allows them to have opportunities of interacting with other people and establishing a
bond with whom they share interest, leading to an extramarital affair.

10. Need for Excitement

Sometimes, couples feel sheer boredom. They feel the need to break the monotony and
drudgery of everyday life. This, to them, is just for fun, for some excitement, or for a change. A lack of
excitement in a marriage may result from a disappointing, lonely, sexless marriage. They feel
disenchantment and the loss of spark. Having an extramarital affair, especially sex, renews their vitality
and excitement.

11. Personal Finances/ Financial Pressures

This, especially when couples have lack of agreement on financial management, can lead to
constant bickering within the four walls. When someone gives a hearing to their woes or some financial
support, it can lead to an extramarital affair.

12. Career Advancement

Some people believe that getting into a relationship outside their marriage can advance their
career.

13. Cry for Help in The Marriage or An Exit Strategy

For some couples, an affair is a way to force themselves to finally face the problems that both
parties are aware of but are not addressing. The cheater partner tries to get caught as a way of bringing
the issue to the table. Other partners see infidelity as an exit strategy to end an unhappy marriage.

14. Insecurity or Inferiority Complex

Either the husband or wife feels insecure because either one of them is extremely successful or
has a high social standing, has a stronger personality, or a higher salary. Poor self-esteem and insecurity
can also lead to an affair as a way to prove worthiness. The insecure husband or wife may look for
attention, appreciation, and validation of their worth from someone who is not their spouse. There is
the feeling of being undervalued, neglected, or underestimated. These may be related to unrealistic
expectations of a partner.

15. Frustration in The Marriage

This is a common trigger. The cheater may make several attempts to solve problems to no avail.

16. Lack of Communication

Some couples lack the skills to communicate their feelings and issues. This happens when
marital partners are not mind-readers. They do not address the problems in their marriage directly or
run away from problems rather than staying to protect and preserve their marriage.

17. Childhood Baggage

Neglect, abuse, or having a parent who cheated may interfere with the ability to maintain a
committed relationship. “Having a history of childhood trauma (such as physical, sexual, or emotional
abuse or neglect) is associated with a higher chance that a person will cheat (if he or she has not
addressed the trauma and has unresolved issues).”

18. Lack of Respect

The husband or wife does not treat the other as important or may not really love the other
partner.

19. Addiction

Some risk factors are substance abuse issues (an addiction to alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc.)
Alcoholics, even when they would not commit adultery, may cross the line if they are drunk and have a
desire to have sex. People who are addicted to sex will look for sex outside their marriage for they will
always be unsatisfied with their partners.

20. Mental Illness

Some mental illnesses, such as bipolar disorder, are a risk factor for cheating in marriage.

21. Psychological Issues

Narcissistic traits or personality disorders are associated with cheating. An affair may take place
due to ego and a sense of entitlement. Cheaters may be self-centered and lack empathy. With this, they
do not understand and foresee the impact of their actions on their spouse.

22. Domestic Violence and Emotional Abuse

The cheating spouse may have an affair with someone who can defend, protect, and make him
or her feel safe.

23. Body Image/Aging

Many middle-aged men or women have an affair with people who are the age of their children
because they believe that cheating is also a way for them to prove that they still "have it." The cheating
spouse may also cast blame on his or her partner, claiming that their partner has let him or her go. The
spouse may cheat because he or she is no longer physically attracted to his or her aging partner. Aging
may also lead to having less desire and fire in marriage. Younger ones are fresher and riper in
comparison to his or her old partner.

25. Revenge

The offended partner who feels damaged and excruciatingly hurt may feel a need for revenge,
and this results in an affair.

26. Opportunity

Periods of absence, (e.g. traveling for work, serving in the military, working abroad) provide
many opportunities for affairs to happen. An affair may happen due to loneliness, resentment, and the
longing for sex. This allows a spouse to have an affair without a high risk of being discovered.

Effects of Sex Outside Marriage

Extramarital affairs may bring intense feelings of guilt and shame. The extramarital affair can
also result in a permanent injury or destruction of the marriage. Damage is not only done to the ones
who are cheated on, but also between other family members and friends. “Some couples can put their
marriages back together when one mate has had an affair, yet the infidelity inflicts a wound that is
difficult if not impossible to heal.” Scars can remain. The wife or husband who is betrayed will likely
never feel completely secure again. Trust has been violated. Hence, the marriage will suffer. The married
couple may proceed to filing for divorce or annulment. Even without divorce or annulment, their
marriage could lead to a paperless separation. Sexual betrayal creates bitterness and resentment which
may never heal. When parents who have a child or children are separated, “the two parties' lives remain
interlocked because of visitation rights.” These cases may make them continue having hard feelings.
Children may also get emotionally scarred especially when children sense the tensions and animosities.

1. Damage to Self-Esteem- Many victims of an affair respond to cheating by putting the blame
on themselves.
2. Loss of Trust in the Cheating Spouse or Future Partner/s- It will be difficult for the victim to
trust the spouse again or future partner/s. Even if this relationship ends, and another begins, the
baggage of infidelity can follow.

3. Children are negatively affected or traumatized.

Children feel and experience fear, turmoil, anger, and uncertainty. The tears,
withdrawal, distraction, accusations, and the fighting of the parents affect everyone in the
family, especially children who are very sensitive and dependent upon their parents for
emotional and physical stability and safety. Children suffer when their parents have extramarital
affairs, be it when the parents successfully keep the affairs a secret, or not. They may feel a
sense of rejection and feel they have done something wrong. They are also prone to having
affairs when they marry. Older children may respond through rebellion. Cheating may also be
passed onto the son if the father boasts about his relationships to his teenage son; a girl who is
aware of her father’s behavior may grow to be angry at men and uncertain of her relationships
with them. Children can academically, socially, and emotionally fail.
4. Emotional Injuries
Many things can trigger and bring back painful memories. They can lead to emotional
volatility and extreme reactions. This may fuel anger and being unforgiving as well. This
emotional tension from infidelity affects and impacts everyone in the couple’s lives, especially
their sensitive children.